Talking Flirty vs. Talking Dirty

In college, I picked up a copy of Lady Chatterley’s Lover by D. H. Lawrence.  Was it as steamy as they say?  Oh yeah.  (Although perhaps today’s Harlequins could cause Mr. Lawrence to blush.)  What bothered me most, however, was the author’s presumption that Mrs. Chatterley would be turned on by some guy talking about her (so sorry to type this) “c*nt.”

Seriously, how on earth is that a turn-on?!!

I’ve talked to a few women who have engaged in sex with a guy who wants to talk dirty.  There are people who think it is sexy to use crass language to refer to body parts or sexual activities.  For the women I spoke with, it was the total opposite, but how could they convince their guy?  Some husbands think it’s simple prudishness if a wife doesn’t want to engage in talking dirty.

But there is a big difference between talking flirty and talking dirty.  Giving each other’s body parts cute little names is flirty.  Talking in descriptive imagery about what you want to do with each other — also flirty.  Using language you learned from a porn film your friend showed you back in your frat days, not flirty.

Just imagine if one turned to Song of Songs and read the Lover exclaiming to his Beloved, “Hey baby!  Come over here so I squeeze your melons!”  “Wrap those gams around me and let’s do the nasty!”  Ick!

He didn’t say anything approaching that.  He did, however, speak candidly about her body parts and his desire for her.  Try out this one instead:  Your stature is like that of the palm, and your breasts like clusters of fruit. I said, ‘I will climb the palm tree; I will take hold of its fruit'” (Song of Songs 7:7-8).  He also says, “Your graceful legs are like jewels, the work of an artist’s hands.”  Uh, hello! So much nicer.

And that approach worked pretty well, considering that the Beloved recounts, “My beloved has gone down to his garden, to the beds of spices, to browse in the gardens and to gather lilies” (Song of Songs 6:2).  Those of you who think her hubby came back actually holding a bouquet of lilies have completely missed the imagery.

God-honoring sex is not dirty.  But it is flirty!  Using descriptive language to describe how beautiful your mate is or how much you enjoy sex together communicates value and anticipation of intimate time.

Make sure your words honor your spouse and your God.  Use words, of course!  Flirt with your mate!  Use poetic prose to tell him what a hottie he is.  Encourage him to gush about your salacious sexiness.

And then act on that flirting.  Let him touch those clusters of fruit.  Let him browse among the lilies.  God wants you both to enjoy the beautiful gift He has given to marriage.

And that approach worked pretty well, considering that the Beloved recounts, “My beloved has gone down to his garden, to the beds of spices, to browse in the gardens and to gather lilies” (Song of Songs 6:2).

13 thoughts on “Talking Flirty vs. Talking Dirty

  1. Mandy

    I agree that woman don’t usually like “dirty” talk, however like you said our men usually do. And I believe, like with most things in the bedroom, that it is up to the couple to determine what they are comfortable with. And, that maybe as wives it might not be such a bad idea to get out of our comfort zones a little to put a smile on the hubby’s face. I just don’t think couples should feel guilty if that is what they do like. 🙂

  2. Thrifty Wealth

    Here’s a different thought…I get the overwhelmingly overt dirty talk…and why it’s not the ideal.

    Yet…those comments in the bedroom directed just to a wife..they are not a movie role…they’re not in a chat room…they’re from your male directed to you, his female.

    Slap all us males up the side of the head if and when we say something rude. Yet, it is passion from us to you.

    If we can all just get past who is guilty of what by saying whatever…and recognize we’re in bed…together. Men might say crude things, but their bodies, their minds and their actions are right there…in the marriage bed.

    Sometimes I think we really go outide the rhelm of real…to try to define what men should be with women. Sometimes…when we honor you and be with you and we say something smutty…maybe that’s just it.

    A ton of crime statistics and barges of divorce petitions are over things much more serious than talking dirty.

    We go to tremendous lengths to describe the differences in the sexes and sometimes never fail to pound items that we all know exist…and wonder in amazement why we don’t all just get along.

    OK…men can be dirty. Women can be dirty too. It’s our beds. Let us deal with it. If we can talk about it or through it, so be it.

    Maybe being dirty is the ultimate hot Christian love when it’s agreeable and towards one another?

  3. J

    I get what you’re saying, Thrifty Wealth, but two points here. One, Ephesians 5:3-4 says, “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving.” Verses that apply to fellow Christians should apply as well to your spouse. I don’t think coarse joking is okay with God even if two married people are okay with it. Two, most women aren’t okay with it. So I was trying to address what women do consider sexy – being flirted with using creative and cute language rather than dirty words. Ultimately, these things need to be discussed and resolved between husband and wife. Thanks so much for your comment!

  4. Anonymous

    Yeah, I don’t really consider dirty talk between two married people to be obscene, foolish, or coarse. See, it really depends what your definition of those words is. If a couple is turned on and has a great sex life because of dirty talk, then who cares? I really really really don’t think my wife is going to be turned on by telling her that her breasts are like clusters of fruit. I know you were not suggesting that we necessarily use biblical language as “flirty talk”, but if each person in the relationship feels respected by the talk, then let them give themselves to each other in that way.

  5. Jessi

    I know this is an older post that I’m commenting on, but this cracked me up.
    In my marriage, I’m the one who likes to talk dirty, and it drives my husband crazy! This is a guy who won’t even say the word “crap”, so any reference to his nether region other than “penis” is dirty. 🙂

  6. Sara with an H

    I agree with Anonymous. I think if husband and wife are ok with dirty talk, then let them go with it. That being said, my husband and I have had those dirty moments during sex, and while neither of us were offended by it, we both felt weird using certain words, so we have stopped. Now, my husband doesn’t come up behind me and talk all flirty in the middle of the kitchen while I’m cooking dinner (we save that for the bedroom (or after the kids are in bed)), but I think that if dirty talk does it for a married couple and both parties are ok with it (which means constant honest communication about your sex life), then I say go for it!

  7. Anonymous

    I agree totally with this article. I want flirty – not dirty. Dirty is degrading to me. BUT with that being said, my H likes dirty. We have learned, he talks flirty to me, I talk dirty to him. Marriage is 50/50 with the hopes of each partner getting 100%.

  8. Anonymous

    You’re saying that flirty is okay, and dirty is not.

    But here’s my question… What makes something dirty?

    What is dirty about a man being so overcome by desire for his wife that he says something like, “Baby… Come over here so I can squeeze your melons!”?? (I mean, that’s not even remotely “dirty,” as far as I’m concerned. Dropping the F bomb is dirty.)

    As a wife, statements like that (the melon one…) make me feel SEXUALLY DESIRED by my husband. No, comments like those are not Austen-esque romance; I get that– and there’s a place for such “gentle” and eloquent romance. But dear Lord… The raw, rough, passionate drives within us were placed there by God.

    I see nothing wrong, and many things right, with being able to let go and express oneself, in simple honesty of excitement, within the privacy and holiness of the marriage bed.

    1. J Post author

      Honestly, the melons example was my PG-rated version of the crass language some people use in the bedroom. I agree with you that dropping the F-bomb or using extremely crass language of body parts is more like what I’d consider “dirty.” Thanks for your comment!

        1. J Post author

          There’s some subjectivity, but we all know certain words that don’t appear on prime-time TV…and the reason is that society largely agrees they’re crass. And in the same vein, porn makers certainly know what words they want to use in their films…because society largely agrees they’re crass. So yeah, the line itself is arguable, but I suspect most people agree on more than they think. Thanks so much for your comment!

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