Where Should I Look during Sex?

Eye

Photo credit: Microsoft Word Clip Art

It’s a simple question, right? Where should I focus my eyes during lovemaking with my spouse?

Okay, guys, stop snickering. You don’t really have this issue of where to look because you are ogling your gal’s body from top to bottom. I think it’s hard-wired into you.

However, as a member of the more complicated female gender, I have wondered at times where I should look during The Act. All too often, I have opted for the eyes-closed version of sexual activity.

Now eyes-closed has its place in the bedroom, of course. Sometimes closing one’s eyes allows a wife to block out external distractions and focus on her body’s sensations – one of the keys, in my opinion, to having an orgasm.

Yet, there is something to be said for taking in the lovemaking with all five senses fully engaged. You can’t really block smell, so that’s already happening. (Sniffing to get a fuller whiff will probably make your spouse worry that you are transforming into a werewolf, so don’t go there.) Touch is an automatic feature of physical intimacy. And unless you have earphones on (why would you?), you can hear what’s happening. Adding a little background music as a soundtrack can be a good idea too. Kissing and licking means you also taste the experience.

But sight? We can choose to engage that sense or not. Here are a few places you might want to try looking. See what you think.

His eyes. This assumes, of course, that you are facing one another. So when you are, take some time to look into your hubby’s eyes. Most of us find one another’s eyes to be engaging and soulful. Eye contact communicates caring and attention. As you look into his eyes, you can also see the expressions on your husband’s face – which will most likely be happy – thus increasing your own pleasure and sense of connection in the moment.

His body lines. Husbands and wives have very different body lines. Women curve in different places. It can be erotic to watch the edge of your husband’s body, even tracing it with your finger, hand, lips, or tongue. Be aware of how your lover’s body is different from yours and how curious and exciting his form is. Appreciate how God created him.

His pleasure areas. I did a post some time ago about how women are not typically as turned on by the sight of male genitalia as men are turned on by female genitalia. I still think that’s true. However, it can be thrilling to watch the changes occur in your spouse as he becomes aroused. It is also a fascinating area of the body in terms of what it does. Take time to admire that.

Your body lines. As your hubby touches you, pay attention to your own form. As he strokes and kisses your arms, legs, stomach, or other parts, you can watch him touching your skin and see how your body is shaped in a way that arouses your husband.

Your pleasure areas. How many of you gals are willing to admit, “I like to watch”? — as in you like to watch your pleasure points as your husband stimulates them. There can be something doubly arousing about feeling and watching your lover touch and excite your private areas.

A mirror. If you have a large mirror available, give it a shot. You might enjoy looking over his shoulder and seeing your bodies melding together. You might peek at your wild and excited expression as you climax. If you really want to go out on a limb, get a magnifying mirror and be really impressed with your husband’s size. (Just kidding. At some point, I couldn’t play it straight anymore. Anyway.) Some couples enjoy viewing a reflection of themselves making love.

So where do you usually look? Have you thought about mixing it up and looking somewhere else? How well do you focus on your body, his body, and your togetherness during sexual activity? Any other suggestions for using sight in the bedroom?

16 thoughts on “Where Should I Look during Sex?

  1. Anonymous

    “Be aware of how your lover’s body is different from yours and how curious and exciting his form is. Appreciate how God created him.”

    Yes, if you’re able to, please do! Frankly, some of us men fear ridicule of our male anatomy; we appreciate any genuine affirmation–not for pride or ego, but simple self-esteem.

  2. J

    Anonymous #2 (in case you check back here): As someone who doesn’t own the equipment, I wonder what men fear with regard to ridicule. Size? Shape? Aesthetics? What would be effective affirmation in that realm? I hope the question isn’t too personal. But I really am curious.

    I appreciate my hubby, but I don’t think those parts are pretty as much as impressive. Does that make sense?

  3. Anonymous

    (from Anonymous #2):

    All three; I believe how a wife truly sees and feels about her husband’s anatomy can either “make or break” him. I say that, because I think most people would agree that God didn’t create mens’ anatomy with the artistic and visual beauty and allure that He blessed women with. When that part of us is viewed as “functional” rather than genuinely desirable and sensual, that reminder of the truth hurts.

    Shaunti Feldhahn noted this in her book “For Women Only” (p. 100), when one husband told her: “She doesn’t understand how even her occasional dismissals make me feel less desirable. I can’t resist her. I wish that I, too, were irresistible. She says I am. But her ability to say no so easily makes it hard to believe.”

    Female anatomy is a part of the body, rather than an appendage. It blends together well, is visually modest, and very sensual. Not so for men. Our anatomy lends itself to being “tacked on,” “out of place,” and needing to be covered up so it doesn’t offend.

    I realize not every man feels this way about his anatomy, but for some of us, it’s a real struggle.

  4. UK Fred

    J said, “You might peek at your wild and excited expression as you climax.”

    As a male, I would dearly love my wife to do something like this, but when the most enthusiasm I can get from her is “I don’t need to have an O to enjoy sex. Anyway, it’s too much work and trouble to have an O” I wonder whether it is worthwhile even bothering to make love at times. How can I or someone else explain to her what she is missing.

  5. Rachael Younger

    UK Fred — As a woman who enjoys sex whether she has an O or not, focus on making it feel good for her. She’s got to change her mind, but you might give her a taste of it. Who knows?

    Well, I am visual enough that I’m so thankful for that full length mirror in our first apartment. I enjoy looking at Hubby and the action going on, but I might close my eyes to focus my mind.

    Luckily, if Hubby wants eye-to-eye contact, he will ask, which I’m so thankful for.

    Loving the straight forward talk, J.

  6. Sarah

    Very interesting (and touching) responses from the guys on this one. MANY times I have to close my eyes to block out the rest of the world: the clothes I should have put away, the glass that is forming a ring on my nightstand, etc. And a mirror? Uh… NO. That just invites my own criticism. I can watch him taking pleasure in my body — which makes me feel WAY better about my body than a mirror ever will. Yes, I do like his body, but I’m going to have to agree with Anon #2 — God didn’t create males as physically alluring to women as women are to men. I will say, though, that I think women’s anatomy should be covered up, too, so as not to offend. 🙂

  7. J

    UK Fred – In answer to your question about your wife’s indifference to orgasm, I’m a practical gal. So I’m going to brainstorm some possible ideas of what you can do to maybe interest her. Remember, however, that ultimately she’s in charge of her own brain. She must make the decision to engage.

    Anyway…I wonder if she might be more interested if you made the focus of the evening all about her. That is, pick a night when you have some time to devote to it and explain that you want to bring her sexual pleasure without insisting on intercourse. Some women are tense about the penetration part, so they don’t relax enough to tune into their arousal and experience full pleasure. You could make the evening (or a series of evenings) all about finding out what stimulation she enjoys and how she best derives pleasure. Encourage her to tell you how she’s feeling and what she likes. Take your time.

    Foreplay is key. It typically takes longer for a wife to get aroused than men. Moreover, most women do not have an orgasm through penetration and thrusting alone; clitoral stimulation is needed, and that is easier to achieve through manual or oral means. Go slow. Be gentle.

    Talk to her at a neutral place where lovemaking isn’t going to happen (in the car, at a restaurant) about your desire for her to have full pleasure in the bedroom. Explain that it isn’t about meeting some goal, but rather that you want her to have the best experience possible and that it arouses you to arouse her. Some women think men just want sex; they don’t understand how much men want meaningful sex, how much they want their wives to desire and be satisfied by them. Avoid complaining or dwelling in the past. Talk about what you want for your marriage and how sex fosters a sense of connectedness for you (not to mention that it’s super-fun. I digress).

    Ask your wife for more information. It’s too much work doesn’t tell you much. What would help you is knowing what you could do to help her get in the mood. Does she need a clean bedroom? (Yes, this helps some women focus.) Does she need more time? Does she need to feel wooed with a few minutes of flirting or quality time before you yank off her lingerie and say, “Let’s get to it, babe”? Ask how you could create an environment that would make achieving orgasm less work and more play.

    Gracious, that was like a blog post right there. Sorry about my wordiness. I kept going and going like that stupid Energizer bunny. Best wishes to you. Saying a prayer.

  8. J

    Rachael – Good for you. These are simply ideas, but whatever is working for you!

    Sarah – I have to close my eyes for that reason sometimes too! I swear my husband could block out a pink elephant in the room while having sex, but I can get distracted if I don’t focus on him and what’s happening right then.

    This statement did make me wonder, though: “I will say, though, that I think women’s anatomy should be covered up, too, so as not to offend.” You’re not talking about with your husband, are you? A husband and wife should feel comfortable about sharing their bodies with one another – including the visual. I don’t want to see my naked body jiggling in a mirror either, but my husband likes watching it go. And I’m pretty sure husbands in general feel the same way about their wives.

  9. UK Fred

    We’ll have been married 29 years in less than six months. I feel that I have tried all of these. We are up every morning at 6:30 but it is rare she gets to bed before 10:45 because she always has things “to do” connected with her work.

    I have come to the conclusion that John Piper’s position on remarriage after divorce (it’s sinful, no matter the reason for the divorce) is the correct one theologically, and I do not want to live a life as a lonely old embittered bachelor, but I know there is so much more available within this relationship if we both gave to and received from the other. I feel that my gifts are being returned unused.

  10. Ed

    My wife seems to prefer to close her eyes because she says it makes it easier to block out distractions and focus on enjoying herself. However, she does like to watch herself in the mirror if there is one around.

    Probably our most used position is “doggy-style”. This works out well for us, because my wife can close her eyes without my having to see it. I keep my eyes open, but to notice her eyes close might make it feel “less mutual”

    It also allows me a chance to see her butt and her “pleasure parts”, so we both are happy all around

  11. kris

    mostly eyes looking into each others, he “likes to watch me” during the big O’s, he says. I like to watch it all, it’s a turn on. I do close eyes some to focus on what I’m feeling too, so I guess my answer is we look all over the place! Interesting post! Love this place!

  12. edameen

    IN MY OPINION it should be in the Pre-Nup that wives are not allowed to say “The ceiling needs painting” durring traditional intercourse.

    Great article.
    EDA

  13. Anonymous

    We don’t have this concern at my house because my wife will only have sex with all the lights out… Neither of us can tell whether our partner’s eyes are open or closed!

  14. Lisa

    I know this is an old post but I just have to say: I don’t know how I would ever watch myself climax in a mirror. I’m pretty sure my eyes fall out of my head at that moment!

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