Do Your Friends Support Your Sex Life?

I have an uncanny ability to find myself in conversations about sexuality with girlfriends. I’m not always the one to introduce the topic, but I am comfortable discussing it. God blessed marriages with physical intimacy, and I want to encourage couples to fully enjoy this gift and make it an integral part of their relationship.

However, many Christian women speak out against sex rather than for it. Sometimes it’s a comment made with presumed jest: “I told my husband he couldn’t touch my girly stuff until after he touched up the paint job.” Or a complaint: “I can’t walk through the room in a nightgown without him attacking me.” A statement of indifference: “I don’t care for sex, but we have it a couple of times a month.” Or even a negative declaration: “I hate sex, and I would be happy if we never had it again.”

To be honest, most of my friends think I’m as rare as an albino alligator — a Christian wife who loves sex. Good gracious! I should be put on display and tour the country. In fact, I recall a specific conversation with close girlfriends that turned to the topic of marital intimacy. I put in my two cents and was dismissed by another lady who joked, “We can’t ask you; you like sex.”

Standing up for rockin’ sex in marriage can be a lonely endeavor. At times, it has felt futile. No matter what I say, some gals seem determined to treat sex like an obligation or a bartering tool in marriage.

Speaking of “futile,” sometimes I wish I could set myself up as the Borg Queen of Marital Intimacy. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated. We could just suck in the naysayers one by one and make them realize how terrific physical intimacy can be in a marriage when it’s working as God intended. But alas, I don’t think I could pull off the hairdo.

Queen of the Borg from Star Trek

Queen of the Borg
Star Trek

Thank goodness that I do have beautiful women of God in my life who, like me, are on God’s plan for sexuality in their marriage. For instance, my best friend lets me bounce blog post ideas off her and has offered some terrific wisdom. She and her husband have their own story of challenges, but she has pursued healthy sexuality in her marriage as part of God’s blessing from Day One and reaped the benefits. There are fellow female bloggers who speak well of sex in marriage (Kate Aldrich, Lori Byerly, Sheila Gregoire, and Gina Parris among them). In particular, I thank God for my growing friendship with Julie Sibert of Intimacy in Marriage, a woman whom I respect and who can put me in stitches with her brand of humor.

I think every Christian woman needs others in her life willing to speak out in favor of marital intimacy. Too often, we can find ourselves in conversations with people who intentionally or unwittingly diminish the importance of great sex with our husbands. It is not biblical to refuse your spouse. It is not biblical to make your husband drag you to the bedroom (symbolically, of course). It is not biblical to participate in intercourse like it’s your child’s first band concert (You’re only there for them, and you hope it’s over quickly). It is not biblical to discourage your friends from having what God designed for them — a healthy sex life with their mate.

Instead, I want to hang out with some gals who find sex in marriage to be hot, holy, and humorous — like I do. It is indeed all of those things. I am blessed to have girlfriends who encourage me to make it hotter, holier, and humorouser. Oh wait, not that last one. I do that on my own.

Do you have friends like that? Do your friends encourage you to have the right attitude? Do they give you tips when you need them? Have they suggested you seek help or get answers when there are problems? Do your friends support your sex life? And are you that kind of friend?

By the way, Sheila Gregoire of To Love, Honor and Vacuum did a recent post about the oddity of finding herself being a “sexpert” after she wrote and talked about intimacy. Great read: How Do I Get Myself into These Things.

16 thoughts on “Do Your Friends Support Your Sex Life?

  1. Sarah

    I am in agreement with you! I am usually the friend who says she loves sex. I feel so bad for my friends who talk bad about it. I wish the church and women’s ministries would address this more often! I was just telling my husband how much I love your blog!

    1. J

      “I wish the church and women’s ministries would address this more often!” I give a hearty Amen to that! One of my personal rants is that in our discomfort with discussing sexuality in the church, we have allowed the world around us to define sexuality. Thank goodness some people are putting God back into the conversation about intimacy. Blessings, Sarah! Thanks so much for the compliment too.

  2. Greg

    “However, many Christian women speak out against sex rather than for it.”

    It’s that twisted mindset that makes Satan’s day; which, in turn, makes me so grateful that you and many other women are countering the lies and speaking the truth about biblical sexuality. So “preach it!” 🙂 and may you not grow weary in well-doing!

    1. J

      Thanks! Surrounding ourselves with like-minded people is so true. The Bible is clear that we live our lives of faith in community. I appreciate your comment.

  3. Anonymous

    Interesting… I don’t have a single Christian friend with whom I would ever talk about sex. We all have children, so we know that marriages have been consummated, but I always thought good Christian ladies wouldn’t ever discuss such a scandalous topic. 😉

  4. Christy

    I love encouraging my friends to be intimate with their spouses and if they complain things are rough between them I encourage em’ even more to jump in the sack! Ha! When my marriage was struggling I had a Godly friend do the same for me and I just want to pass that kind of love on. Thanks for the great post.

  5. Sheila

    Awesome, J. And thanks for the links! I copied one of your paragraphs already and it’ll be in the 2012 edition of the Top 50 Marriage Quotes! It’s wonderful.

    1. J

      My pleasure, Sheila. Love your blog! Which paragraph did you copy, I wonder. It must have been the Borg Queen of Marital Intimacy section. 😉

      Have a lovely week!

  6. tstanley2

    My closest friends both have rough marriages. One’s husband had (possibly is still having?) an affair for years, so he never wanted sex. The other does, but their marriage isn’t very fulfilling. I am so grateful for my hubby and how loving he is in sex. Also grateful that he’s middle aged now and not so focused on it as he was when we were first married. Don’t get me wrong. We’ve grown into a healthy sex life, enough for both of us.

  7. David Patrick

    It’s actually pretty sad that Christian women would be so turned off by sex, although I can understand the history and misinformation that could have contributed to such a problem. By thank God for blogs like this one that seek to re-educate and re-introduce sex as something exciting, something to be desired and fun! Has anyone not read Song of Songs in the Bible? It’s full of sex – all kinds of sex, and told from both the male and female perspective about how they can’t wait to see each other again so they can “knock boots!” Thanks for all you do

  8. Kate @Onefleshmarriage

    Hey J! Was just stopping over to see what you were posting lately (wish I got to sit and glean from my fav’s more often-sigh), and I saw myself tagged at the bottom, before I read the article. LOL! Was honestly like, huh? Can you say brain fried from the day of schoolwork with the kids! 🙂 Anyways, thanks for the shout out, you are awesome! We grealy appreciate you! And I have to give another shout out for Julie @ Intimacy in Marriage-I too am so blessed by her! Both of you are so funny and have such a wonderful way of talking about these very much needed discussions! God has truly gifted you as communicators of His desire for marriage and sex along with an ability to make me laugh so hard! Haven’t had soda come out of my nose yet like @thegenerouswife, but I have been warned and will keep all drinks out of reach while reading! 🙂

    On your post . . . I often find myself in conversations discussing sex as well with my girlfriends or ladies in our community. I often think, “how did I get myself into THIS?” Then I say, Oh yea, we right on marriage and specifically sex-ALOT! Honestly I love that woman will open up and talk about it. That they will be real and share where they are at. Sometimes it is raw, but it is real. I am also blessed to be able to see healing in some of those relationships! All Glory and Honor and Praise to our God! He is the God of love and restoration. He has great plans for sex in marriage and I am thankful that people talk to me about it, even if my heart breaks for them often.

    Love this post! Thanks for all that you are doing for marriages and sex! Truly a blessing to so many! Blessings to you and your hubby! Kate

  9. Do Not Disturb Blog

    A bit late to the comments here but I find myself in a similar position. My husband and I just started a blog about sex in marriage and though many people knew beforehand that this is a passion of ours they are still shocked at our willingness to speak so openly about it. To me it doesn’t matter that he is a pastor and I am a pastor’s wife, God has given married couples a wonderful gift through sex and we want others to come to greater understanding of that gift. Thanks for your site.

  10. Melissa B.

    I love to talk about sex both positively and with honesty. Because I think that more people out there need to know. And sex in marriage needs to get a good rep.

  11. Lisa

    All I can say is I wish we knew each other in “real” life. I bet we could have some GREAT conversations! I only had one Christian friend who liked to talk with me about such things but her husband has left her so not exactly a great topic anymore!

    Interestingly, my hubby and I took a couple’s Bible class at church and they SKIPPED the chapter on Song of Songs!

  12. Mrs. Right

    Way back when I was 20 and engaged, at one of my best friend’s bridal shower, the subject of “how many days until the wedding” came up. When I commented on “how many nights until the honeymoon” they all kind of gasped and looked at me in horror. I was honestly looking forward to it, though I was terribly naive at the time, and I could have used a lot more information beforehand. After many years of not-so-great sex, I finally, hesitatingly, started talking with my sister, but still in very vague terms, about my issues. I have always been a very private person, so talking about sex has never been easy for me. I wish I had had more close friends back in those early years of my marriage who would have been open with me! Or some older women in our church group who would have shared how to love my husband in “that way”. My first marriage ended after 15 years and 6 children due to some very bad sexual decisions on his part. Yes, his actions were the straw that broke the marriage up for good, but I have always readily admitted that I had made plenty of mistakes that led to a breakdown in the relationship long before.
    I am now married to My Mr. Right. We are both quiet personal people, but we have made the effort to discuss embarrassing things, and I’m happy to say that our sex life is amazing and just keeps getting better. I do have a small group of friends where we feel free to share our questions and hilarious stories about all aspects of life, and I can say it is a blessing to know them.

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