Yada, Yada, Yada…Talking During Sex

Chat bubbles

Benjamin D. Esham via Wikimedia Commons

A woman recently told me that her husband talks the whole time they are having sex. “Really?” I asked. “The whole time? What does he say?” I immediately followed with “Never mind” because I do not need to know what her husband says to her in the throes of passion.

Yet, I have read several sex books which encourage talking during marital intimacy as a way to be romantic, to connect with one another, and to communicate what you do and don’t like in lovemaking.

I relate to saying sweet nothings to one another, making suggestive and playful comments during foreplay, and speaking up if body parts need to be adjusted for comfort or pleasure. However, talking during lovemaking does not come naturally for a lot of us. It can feel contrived.

Let’s see, you wonder, do I comment on his manhood? His technique? How much I like to run my fingers through the tufts of hair on his chest? (But not the hair on his tush.) Is now the time to introduce a new nickname, like SuperLover or Mr. Spectacular?

Beyond uttering your spouse’s name, an “ooh, baby” here and there, what is there to say?

Moreover, as loquacious as I am at all other times, there are climactic moments in sex with my husband during which I can’t come up with my own name much less a full sentence in the English language. I’m lucky to get “Yes! Yes!” out of my mouth. Am I the only one?

Interestingly enough, the husband and wife in Song of Songs talked . . . a lot. They jabbered about one another’s bodies, how they felt, and what they wanted to do.

An example of what She says from Song of Songs 4:16:

Awake, north wind,
and come, south wind!
Blow on my garden,
that its fragrance may spread abroad.
Let my lover come into his garden
and taste its choice fruits.

Or what He says from Song of Songs 7:6-9:

How beautiful you are, and how pleasing
O love, with your delights!
Your stature is like that of the palm,
and your breasts like clusters of fruit.
I said, “I will climb the palm tree;
I will take hold of its fruit.”
May your breasts be like the clusters of the vine,
the fragrance of your breath like apples,
and your mouth like the best wine.

Frankly, I’m trying to practice this more. While groaning and gasping are far more second-nature to me than citing poetic passages, I admit that those lines are pretty sexy. I have also been told that husbands can be very turned on by their wives saying aloud what they want. Now I’m not in favor of talking dirty (see my Talking Dirty vs. Talking Flirty), but I believe that husbands would love to hear such lines like:

“The way you touch me makes me wet.”
“Can we do that thing again that made me so hot the other night?”
“You are so manly, I can’t get enough of your body.”
“I want you inside me.”
“You are an amazing lover.”
“I love being connected like this. I really feel that one flesh.”

I will confess to having a few times when a word like “ride” has made an appearance. Before you judge my linguistic prowess, may I remind you that the Lover in Song of Songs says the following of his wife: “I liken you, my darling, to a mare harnessed to one of the chariots of Pharaoh” (1:9). Not exactly Robert Browning, in my opinion, but she seemed to like it.

So whatever works for you. Yet some verbal description, compliments, invitations, and commentary may turn up the heat a little for you in the bedroom. You can even ask your hubby what kinds of comments he likes to hear during your sexual activity. I discovered a little more myself when my husband and I discussed this post.

Give it a try! Chat a little during sex. You might be surprised what you each have to say.

16 thoughts on “Yada, Yada, Yada…Talking During Sex

  1. Jen

    One of my favorite way’s to turn on my husband (exspecially if I’m trying to get him away from the T.V.) is to whisper in his ear in detail what I want to do in the bedroom. Do this with just the slightest touch and you can drive him crazy. 😉 Don’t think I could keep it up during sex but as foreplay works for us. 🙂

  2. Anonymous

    This is not to do with this post in particular, but I wanted to share with you the consternation caused in my life when I discovered your blog yesterday. I browsed around from post to post and eventually came across a phrase that so captivated my curiosity that I immediately launched a Google search in an effort to learn more. The term was “vajazzle.” I must admit, I was fascinated not only because of the absurdity of the term and the idea, but because… well… shiny things fascinate me no matter what they are decorating. A little while later, curiosity satisfied, I closed out my Google tab and logged into Facebook, where I was horrified to discover a notification that my daughter-in-law had commented on “an article I read…” Fighting the gnawing dread in the pit of my stomach… it simply could not BE…. I clicked the notification to see, to my utter horror, that my daughter-in-law had commented, “you DO REALIZE THIS IS ON FACEBOOK” under the blaring declaration that I had read an article on Yahoo entitled…. Should you Vajazzle your Vajayjay?!?!?! I could not have been more embarrassed had I absentmindedly wandered out in public… and that’s exactly how I felt… utterly EXPOSED! Frantically, I began to try to delete the post, but I just continued to get an error that the post had “failed to hide.” By this point, I wished I could hide! The situation escalated when one friend, in response to whether one should indeed vajazze a vajayay, commented, “what would Jesus do?” Now there’s a question forever seared into my brain. My daughter-in-law, by this point, was in hysterical laughter, as I furiously posted comments asking how to get this post off of here, knowing full well that I am having some impact on the entire Facebook population… entertaining those who would find this funny, and probably irrevocably staining my reputation with those who would not. And then… my husband arrived home. Clearly he could see that I was distressed, despite my efforts to hide what was going on. Reading over my shoulder, he discovered the source of my angst. AS he was rolling around on the floor, holding his belly laughing at me, I noticed the first little gleam in his eye as the idea of vajazzling took hold and I knew that this would not be an episode that would slip quietly into the recesses of a forgetful mind.
    At LAST… I was able to mark the post so that only I could see it, but not before it had been on Facebook for at least a half hour. I did post a note attempting to give some explanation to those who might have seen the post (not referencing what was in it, of course but just vaguely referring to an embarrassing post) and didn’t comment and have already had several express regret that they missed it and one who admitted that she did but was too bewildered to comment. My face is still burning. My entire family is reveling in the hilarity. I have no doubt whatsoever that my mother-in-law saw the post, not to mention my pastor’s wife. But the worst is not really knowing WHO saw it. I guess when friends start to snicker on sight of me, that will give me some indication of how widespread the loss of my dignity may be. I have shared a private message with my friends that I thought might enjoy this tale, and I thought you might too. For now, let’s just say that nothing around here is getting vajazzled!!

    1. J

      You certainly entertained me as well! Oh my. I’m anonymous for now, but I take the perspective that someday all may be revealed. I will likely blush some on that day, though I don’t think anything I’ve written here is ungodly. In fact, I like to believe that Jesus would have chuckled at your story too. God created sex, and He has a great sense of humor. 😉

      Beware the next holiday, though. You might find yourself opening a vajazzling kit or two from a funny family member or friend.

  3. Anonymous

    Enjoy your anonymity… and know that in the day it’s revealed you may blush, but really what can you do but laugh? I totally agree that God created sex AND our senses of humor and sometimes the two certainly intertwine. I would prefer they not intertwine on Facebook where I don’t have the option to carefully choose to share with those who can receive, but these things happen. I wrote my daughter a note at her lingerie shower before getting married, encouraging her to have fun with sex… sometimes it will move you to tears with its profound intimacy, sometimes it will be wildly passionate, sometimes it will feel like a chore… and sometimes it will just make you laugh hysterically. That must be why I enjoy your blog… I find myself in agreement with you on those things! Be blessed! And as for that holiday suggestion, that is EXACTLY something my family would do! A.

  4. Britney

    We talk all the time about lots of things! We talk about what we like about each other, a date we enjoyed (past or present), or anything that is on my mind. Brandon is more receptive to sharing feelings in these moments than anywhere else. However, there are nights that are difficult to put 3 words together let alone a paragraph 😉

    1. J

      I like your statement about these moments being better for sharing feelings. There is an openness with physical intimacy that can encourage emotional intimacy as well. Great stuff, Britney!

  5. Christy

    Oh I don’t know about full on chatting it up; I mean my poor husband has a house full of girls so the poor guy has to get some quiet somewhere. I will say however, me getting the giggles about something is NOT good because my husband says and I quote,”Umm…stop laughing your making “him” mad!” LOL!

  6. Ed

    I don’t know where flirty crosses the line into dirty, but if “The way you touch me makes me wet.” and “I want you inside me.” are within safe territory, I don’t know what isn’t!

    In case, I think that anything a couple says to each other is acceptable so long as they don’t find it offensive.

    My tip to women on the topic of talking during sex would be, instead of just commenting on your husband’s body, ask him what he likes about yours, or even mention that you enjoy having such a body that turns him on. It creates a sort of feedback loop.

    1. J

      Well, maybe my examples are too much for some. I consider talking dirty to include more of the cuss or crass words for body parts and sexual activities. Anyway…

      Thanks for the tip, Ed!

    2. Ed

      Oh, I wouldn’t consider those examples as too extreme myself. Frankly, I do not know what would qualify, as I think the words would be acceptable based on what the couple in question is comfortable with. In fact, some activities probably can’t be described in words that are exactly delicate!

      Also, it might even be a good idea for a woman to forgo asking what a guy likes sometimes, and merely comment “You like my…, don’t you”. It’s nice for men to see their wives confident about their bodies. It can be frustrating for a guy to see a woman down on herself about her body, especially when it’s about a part that he likes it just the way it is. I think instead of looking for reassurance by asking asking a man “Does my such and such look fat in this outfit?”, a woman would get a more enthusiastic and honest response if she asked her husband what he thinks about it during the middle of intimacy; she’d find out exactly what he thinks about (and would probably be very happy with the response).

      I think it might also help to not worry too much about complimenting his looks (though those are appreciated). If a woman wants to compliment him, he would probably be more pleased to hear about his technique and/or his “manhood”.

      Just my thoughts on the matter…not everyone is the same, but I think those ideas would be worth a try for most couples.

  7. rachel

    I wish I could remember the book — and I know there are lots of opinions in books everywhere and not to agree with everything — but I remember a few items from one library book in particular: 1) close the door when you use the restroom; keeping certain things private is important even if you share everything else 2) don’t EVER talk down to your man because it’s actually emasculating even if they don’t say anything (“baby” “honey” and other pet names were mentioned) 3) strategic use of slightly vulgar body part terms within foreplay and the sex act can be a real turn on, especially if you are normally a mild-mannered goody two shoes 🙂

    Again, I don’t 100% agree with it but it was good food for thought and a reminder to reconsider some of the habits I had started and reset to see if it would aid our intimacy. It did!

  8. Johnb Wilder

    I say that during hot sex or foreplay getting down and talking dirty to each other can be a real turn on and there is nothing about it forbidden in the bible.

    John Wilder

  9. John Wilder

    Most men love to hear their women talk dirty and according to Hebrews 13:4 it says that “the marriage bed is undefiled in all” which means that nothing that you and your husband do in the privacy of your bedroom is sinful.

    John Wilder

    1. J

      John, I don’t believe that the scripture you quoted indicates that “nothing that you and your husband do in the privacy of your bedroom is sinful.” Of course, third parties in your bedroom are not okay. Injuring your partner is not okay. There are limits. Since God designed sexuality, everything that happens in the marriage bedroom should honor Him.

      Moreover, the verse from my Bible reads, “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled.” The word translated “undefiled” is the NT Greek word “amiantos” — which means “has nothing in it which defiles; unpolluted.” Thus, I think it is possible to pollute the marriage bedroom, which is why there is an admonition not to do so.

      Thanks for your comment. I know some people disagree with me on this post. I simply hope people will think about it.

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