Get Off Our Marriage Bed, Fido!

The other night, my husband and I were engaged in intimate activity when a loud scratching sound started. We attempted to ignore it, but there is only so long that such noise can go on before you sigh, get up, and open the stupid door for the cat.

Want some humor in the marital bedroom? Introduce a pet into your family. Dogs and cats especially can be masters of your coitus interruptus.

Dogs on bed

By Iibao123 via Wikimedia Commons

I had a friend who said that her dog stood at the end of their bed and watched them copulate every time. It’s as if he thought the show was for him. Maybe he was rating their performance or considering tips he could give. “Use your paws more. Pant. That’s it, that’s it.”

Others have reported their dog howling throughout their sexual interlude. Now when you think about background music, you probably don’t imagine Fido’s rendition of “Who Let the Dogs Out?”

Some dogs attempt to jump into the action themselves. After all, why can’t they join in with the wrestling match? And cats may traipse through at the most inopportune moments looking for a little of that affection for themselves. Since you made your husband groan, surely you can take some time to make your dog growl or your cat purr? Really, how dare your leave your pet out of the fun!

Other pets are downright offended that you would engage in such physical activity. I have another cat who escapes when we make love. The second anything starts, the cat bolts off the bed, leaves the room if possible, or hides in a corner until we’re done. It’s as if the snooty little cat cannot abide such rollicking activity when he was planning to take a nap on that very bed.

Pets can interfere in varying degrees, and some couples face a genuine problem in having sex with their pet around. What’s a couple to do when the dog won’t stop barking or pawing at them when they’re making love? How do you explain to a cat that it isn’t her time and she needs to take that persistent clawing elsewhere, thank you very much?

Like children, the best option can be to lock them out of the bedroom until you’re done. But as my first example indicates, you may find yourself interrupted anyway if they claw, whimper, or bark at the door.

Instead of consulting sex experts on this question, I researched what pet experts have to say. The truth is that your pet likely makes no connection between their own mating instincts and what you and your husband are doing in the bed. As far as they are concerned, you’re tangled in those sheets doing whatever humans do. They don’t understand the TV watching, book reading, or laptop working either. The only activities in the bed they relate to are lying around and sleeping.

Thus a WebMD article suggested that if the pet is interrupting your intimacy, you should get them off the bed altogether. Train your dog to sleep in his own bed next to yours, or get the cat a new spot with stimuli to distract him away from you. There are plenty of resources available for how to train your dog or cat — through books, websites, classes, and/or your veterinarian.

This may take some effort and time on your part, but if the disruptions are ongoing or severe, take action. Remember that as adorable as your pet is, he/she isn’t your husband. Your marriage takes precedence over your duty to give Fido or Fluffy an ear or tummy rub.

Then again, I know a family who has a python as the family pet. If that thing interrupted my sexy time, I think the appropriate response would be screaming. (“Snakes, why did it have to be snakes!”)

How does your cat, dog, or other animal impact your sex life? Have you and your spouse had to deal with a persistent pet? What advice do you have in this area?

20 thoughts on “Get Off Our Marriage Bed, Fido!

    1. J

      Great idea! I’ve also heard that water spray bottles work well with cats. Water doesn’t hurt the pet, just deters them. Thanks, John.

  1. Anonymous

    I’ve been married 27 years. On my wedding night I discovered that my husband slept with his Springer Spaniel UNDER the covers so the dog could lick his toes. The dog bit me on day 3 of wedded life, but wasn’t put down until a year and half later after biting the vet. We now have another dog who sleeps with my husband. We sleep in separate beds because dog hair makes me itch. My husband also put a TV in our bedroom, and watches until midnight every night, another reason that I sleep on a pallet of couch cushions in another room. Why am I married? Seven children and economics.

    1. J

      Indeed, the pet thing is humorous when you go through it together. But when a husband/wife chooses a pet over the wife/husband, it’s NOT funny; it’s sad and wrong. My heart goes out to you.

      I wonder if your husband would entertain you training the dog to sleep on the floor so that you can get off those couch cushions and go back to your own bed. (As to TV, headphones maybe? I don’t know.) I’m a believer that it’s usually worth a shot to bring up a problem area to see if you can find a win-win; just do so away from the problem place and time.

  2. Sara with an H

    We have a 8 year old beagle mix named Luna who sleeps in her own bed in a corner of our bedroom (next to the air vent). When she was a puppy, we started training her to sleep there as soon as she was crate trained. We had no problem with her sleeping in our room…just not in our bed. Anytime we have sexy time, she lays over there in her bed silent…until we’re finished. Then we hear a very audible, very obvious *SIGH* from her as if she’s saying “Seriously? Again? Can’t we go to sleep now?” It always makes us giggle, and she usually gets a belly rub for being so patient 🙂

    1. Sara with an H

      Yup! She sighs! At first we thought it was just a coincidence, but then we noticed she does it EVERY time, and we’re pretty sure its her way of telling us “Here we go again” 😀

  3. Anonymous

    Our dog thinks she is part human and should sleep on the bed. But! she doesn’t like being shoved off, kicked off or rolled on when she is comfy, so she usually gives up. We have also had one of our cats come and purr in my ear (before we chucked him off the bed). Mostly it just adds humor to experience and then we can go back to focusing on each other.

  4. Becky

    Thanks to posts from bloggers such as yourself, we’ve recently added some spice to our love making sessions such as candles, massage oil, nice music and taking it ssllooww. The first time we did this, our 7 year old rat terrier was in his crate in the corner of our bedroom (where he sleeps every night) and whined most of the way through. During each subsequent session, his whining has gotten less and less and now we don’t hear a peep from him. I guess he realized we weren’t going to stop so he may as well get hunkered down for the night and ignore us.

  5. Christy

    We used to have this boxer who would lay and whine when we were having sex. I mean really dog? Now our tow cats just stick their paws under the door trying to get in. But alas you learn to ignore the distractions or you would never get any am I right?

    1. J

      I wonder what the whining is about. Was the dog just annoyed that he was being ignored? I don’t know. Best wishes, Christy!

  6. Rachael Younger

    had to chuckle. I just can’t stand the idea of of Hank (the cat) watching. So, he gets tossed out of the room when its that time. He has a spot in the bedroom that is his and a spot in the living room that is his, so he goes to the appropriate spot. Yes, he sleeps on the bed at night, but if I want him off, off he goes!

  7. kris

    Too funny, but true! We have 2 BIG dogs, one doesn’t bother to come in our room, but the baby, he’ll come and bang on the door at the most inopportune time! He won’t stop until we let him in either….but he is clueless as to what is going on, although, we have heard him let out a big sigh when it finally gets quiet! LOL! He has never slept in our bed and never will! Great post as usual, J!

  8. Heather L.

    Haha! This post is hilariously true! We have 3 cats, and they love to sleep on our bed at any time of the day, especially if it is made (weird, huh?) They don’t seem to care wether we are sleeping, making out, or what-have-you… they just lay there… and DON’T MOVE. We have to push them out of the way to change positions. The other hilarity is when they come up and try to rub their faces on us to be pet. Hello?!?! We are BUSY. Love it.

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