Q&A with J at HHH

Q&AWhile I have several drafted posts in my queue, none of them is exactly where I want it to be to publish. I figured that this would be a great time to set up a microphone and let the audience ask questions. A few rules for the Q&A session here:

1. Ask anything about marriage and sexuality. That’s my focus. Yes, I am 100% certain that other factors impact marital health (finances, communication, etc.) However, my focus is physical intimacy in marriage. Anything within that realm is fair game.

2. Please do not ask: “How do I fix my marriage’s disastrous sex life?” By that, I mean that I am not a doctor, a therapist, a theologian, a psychic, a swami, a genie, a wizard, or Dr. Phil. I am a marriage and sexuality advocate, an intimacy blogger, a wife, a mom, and most importantly a Christian. I am happy to answer specific questions based on my experience, my understanding of Scripture, my academic background, and research I have done. However, I cannot in one paragraph give you the quick fix to all of your marriage’s problems. No one can. Your marriage can be healed, but it is a process. So rather than share your entire history, think of specific questions you want to ask that would help to address the biggest or most solvable issues in your relationship.

3. I will not answer any questions about my identity. I am J. I’m kind of like “M” or “Q” in the James Bond films; Agent K and Agent J in Men in Black; or X in algebra: I am cloaked in mystery. Well, for now.

4. No protesters will be allowed the microphone. Yes, that means you in the back there with the big sign that says, “SEX IS FOR BUNNIES ONLY.” I am tired of your Rabbit-Centered Group harassing me day and night. Security will now be escorting you out of the building. Thank you very much.

Otherwise, leave a comment below and ask whatever you wish. As you may know, I am willing to discuss almost anything on my blog which impacts marriage and sexuality. I come from a biblical point of view and use common sense, research, and experience to address issues as well.

Here are a few answers to questions you may have already had swirling around in your genius brains that relate to moi:

Does my husband strut sometimes since I write a sex blog? Why yes, yes he does. But not because I write about how much I love sex with my husband. He was already doing the manly strut because our intimate life is a satisfying one. We both feel blessed to have this gift from our Heavenly Father and enjoy one another physically, emotionally, and spiritually in the act of sex.

Do I make money from writing my blog? No. I have only featured one affiliate link, from Gina Parris of Winning at Romance. The link was for her Sexy Summit, in which she invited 10 marvelous experts to talk about marriage and sex. I have not received any money from promoting that product at this point. In the future, I may have more affiliates, but I will only promote those products that I believe in regardless. However, I will clearly disclose any affiliate products, and I am not doing this blog to make money.

Does your mother know? This question was asked by a commenter: “Does your mother know you write this blog?” Certain circumstances prompted me to tell her; so yes, my mother knows. Does she read it? No! While we may want our parents and children to have quality physical intimacy in their marriages, we do not want to hear about it.

What’s my day job? As explained in my bio, I am a wife, a mother, and a writer. What do I write besides a Christian sex blog? Fiction. No need to say more at this point.

Is my bedroom a sex haven? For instance, do I have a bear rug, a heart-shaped bed, and a disco ball in my bedroom? No, but I would be willing to try that out. According to our house plans, however, the original builder (an engineer) did install additional soundproofing to the master bedroom. I thank him for that.

Now it’s your turn. Fire away! This is the time for the Q’s in the comments section. I will be interested to see what you ask. Then I’ll be on my knees praying about my response. My A (Answer) part will come in a future post or posts.

Blessings to all!

Comments closed at the end of October 2012.

90 thoughts on “Q&A with J at HHH

  1. Anonymous

    My husband and I (married since last May) have what I would consider a healthy sex life. We are expecting our first child any day now, and I’m worried about that month after the birth of our child. How do we keep the spark while we are both dead tired and unable to have intercourse? I have always had a fairly high sex drive, so because I know I’ll be able to satisfy my husband in other ways I’m quite worried mainly for myself. Any post-birth coping tips for that first month? It makes me sad to miss out on a month of sex before we even have our one year anniversary.

  2. Gina Parris

    hahaha I just read all your guidelines and feel kind of bad that you “haven’t made any money as of yet” from the Sexy Summit! I think it’s because I just don’t have the heart to create a hard sell on that sweet product. I’m not making many affiliates rich. I do adore your blog though, and I’m comforted to know you make your living as a writer because you write SO WELL!

    1. J

      Thanks, Gina! Don’t feel bad. I was only trying to make the point that I’m promoting the Sexy Summit because it’s a great resource, not to make money. (Although I won’t say no to a little somethin’. LOL.)

      I should pitch it more often. OKAY, PEOPLE, GET THAT SEXY SUMMIT NOW! How was that? Yeah, I need to work on it. 🙂

    1. J

      Ooh, interesting one. I may need to do extensive prepatory research on this topic. (My husband is jumping up and down to volunteer as the guinea pig. LOL.)

    2. Anonymous

      I know they are questions for J , but I am a multiple orgasimer and it’s no myth. [slight edit here] simulation in different areas work for me. Also trying to keep V tight during intercourse does it for me.

  3. Crawfordfam

    Hi J! I have been following your blog for roughly 6 months now and truly enjoy it! I have been wonderfully married for 6 months and our sex life is great and we are still learning 🙂 We recently had to move back in with my parents-the house we are moving into wont be ready until August. My parents were more than okay with this, and my husband and I were as well. We get along great with them and it’s going to be a huge blessing! However, our bedroom is right above theirs. I would be more than happy to make love but my husband is more skeptical, which I totally understand! Any creative thoughts on how we can adjust? Of course, we will make most of every chance that we are alone 🙂 I am kinda afraid to google anything with “parents and sex” in the same sentence so when I read this blog, it wash such a blessing!

  4. Anonymous

    My husband thinks I am crazy cause I have a much higher sex drive than him!! What can I do to help him be more relaxed about sex and to get his sex drive up?

    1. J

      You are crazy. But thankfully, there are a lot of us crazies. Just kidding. You’re fine — even normal, I’d dare say. I’ll be addressing this topic very soon.

  5. Anonymous

    So does mine. My sex drive is up the wall compared to him. He’s a diabetic and sometimes suffers from cuts on his member because of high blood sugars. I understand it hurts and I will not attempt to have any type of sexual activities with him. It frustrates me that he won’t go to the doctor or watch what he eats which in turn affect his mood, body and our sexual life. He thinks I’m sex crazed and most times I think there’s something wrong with me. He doesn’t have erectile dysfunction because he’s up easily with simulation but he just doesn’t feel like it. I could sleep naked or wall right in front of him and get no reaction at all. I love my husband and I know he loves me. Any tips on boosting sex drives?

    1. Anonymous

      you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink.
      Or as we say in the South, “you can’t fix stupid!!”
      seriously, as a man with low testosterone, I would suggest he go to see his doctor. Sounds like he needs a good physical, he needs to get in shape and for sure, really watch what he eats. He really may suffer from low-T and the solutions really do help. He may also be battling depression (frequent in low-T) men. Sounds like he has “retreated” from life to some degree and your sex life for sure. Ultimately at the end of the day because (not if) he loves you, he’ll go see his doctor and commit to changing some things in his life. If he feels better and feels better about himself and gets his mojo back, he’ll be all over you.

    2. Anonymous

      Oh my gosh! You just wrote about my life! What a blessing to know I”m not alone. I would love to hear the answer to this one, too.

    3. J

      To the 2nd Anonymous (from the South), I agree that the man should see his doctor and take positive actions to remedy the problem. Some hubbies are indeed experiencing depression or low testosterone that affects their sex drive. HOWEVER, I totally disagree that a husband who does not take immediate action does not care about his wife. All too often, our own personal issues get in the way of doing what’s best for the relationship. I will be back next week or the following with some suggestions. It’s a great question posed here.

    4. Anonymous

      South Man here again – I was not suggesting that he take immediate action and if he doesn’t it means he does not care about his wife. I certaily did not mean to imply that.

      However as men we shoulder enormous responsibilities for our homes – as the spiritual head, etc. (and of course women carry huge loads too but I’m talking to/about men here) Ultimately most of what a man does should be for the benefit of his family – he should assume the spiritual lead, he should not dish that off to his wife and say, “I’m just not spiritual”…not the right answer – he should own that responsibility. He is to maintain sexual purity…for his wife. He made a vow and a commitment to her father and to God to remain pure and to love her as Christ loved the Church putting her needs ahead of his own. So I maintain my sexual purity by avoiding other women and staying away from porn for the sake of my own soul…of course, but ultimately…for her. I love my daughters with all my heart and I think back to them when they were little girls, their beauty and innocence and how I’d kill for them to protect them. I think of my wife in many respects as an innocent little girl. As her husband, I should cherish her and protect her just as her father should have when she was a little girl.

      A man should keep himself healthy – for his own body of course, but ultimately for her. I don’t like going to see a urologist and getting “probed” anymore than a lady likes going to an OB-GYN – but I go. I don’t stick my head in the sand and hope I don’t have anything go wrong with me because…ultimately…I go for her. At the end of the day, because I love my wife and my daughters (not “if” I’m not questioning “if” he loves her), I take care of myself….so I can be here for them. I make sure our finances are in order and that I have ample life insurance…because…I am ultimately taking care of them.

      The list goes on and on. In this lady’s case her husband won’t go to the doctor and won’t watch what he eats. He has no interest in sex with her. So while it doesn’t mean (because he won’t take immediate action) that he doesn’t care about her, it does mean he is being selfish. He is putting his needs ahead of her’s or his family’s. It is doing damage to his marriage and ultimately to his soul. Time to put away the “me first” thinking and get his butt off the sofa and into the doctor’s office and to take responsibility for his health.

    5. J

      Thank you so much for clarifying, South Man! I totally agree with this comment.

      As you could likely tell from my earlier response, I am super-sensitive about making sure readers maintain an optimistic viewpoint of their situation, as much as possible. I agree that a lot of spouses are selfish in their marriages but often don’t recognize their actions as such. It’s a shame.

      Your example of the probe was rather apt. (It’s how I feel about the mammo too.) But we sacrifice for the sake of our loved ones and for the glory of God. Paradoxically, we end up being far happier ourselves when we do things for others. Big blessings to you!

  6. Anonymous

    Yes Yes, please help us wives who are the higher drive partner.

    It is nice to know I am not a sex crazed woman, but I feel bad because I wonder if this makes my husband feel even less motivated to initiate for me.
    Makes him feel less of a man because his wife wants more than he does.

    I would love some tips on how to be more relaxed about it, and yet also how can I help him feel more secure and confident and boost his drive?

    1. J

      It’s hard to bring this up in a group of women because you do get looked at like a freak of nature for wanting sex more than a man. But sometimes the higher drive partner is the wife. I’ll tackle this topic soon. Clearly, there are quite a few women out there with this issue.

    2. Anonymous

      Diabetic’s wife here : Try boosting his ego a bit while you are at “it.” Whenever we’re in “session” I try to make him feel like a champ in hopes that he will feel like Da Man! (although he is in my opinion) tell him how big he is, facial expressions, or noises u make that insinuate his awesomeness. Ego boosting might make him more confident.

  7. J

    And to all the husbands out there reading the comments and wishing their wives had the sex drive of some of these women above, *sigh*. I feel for you, man. For four years, my husband was right there with you. I pray all the time that it will turn around for those struggling couples and both spouses will desire and enjoy the gift of intimacy that God gave us.

  8. Happy

    Aloha, J!

    You had mentioned earlier that you told your mother about your blog – how about people from church? If so, what sort of response have you received?

  9. Anonymous

    Difficulty finding zest to kiss my dh since he has habit of using tobacco (chew). When goes to kiss all i can see in my head is all that crap in his mouth, although he’d never attempt to do it with it in his mouth. Just seriously grosses me out. And I really like to kiss.

  10. Anonymous

    Sorry if you’ve already discussed this I may have missed it. Due to husbands indescretions (while maybe tame to some, significant to me) recently having a difficult time with trust and the role in plays in marriage bed. Partnered with an increased libido for myself in last year, its makes a really twisted logic for my brain to process. I wanna but i dont wanna. Really need to overcome quickly so we can heal and i dont go crazy being unsatisfied/needs met in the bed. (for clarification he is all for my increased libido it just makes my heart hurt sometimes when i start thinking about it)..thanks for your advice.

  11. Greg Donner

    I also mentioned this to Julie, but I would be interested in your take on how we as believers can (and should) be doing to boldly speak the truth about biblical sexuality in the church. It’s something I’m very passionate (and frankly, very concerned about).

  12. Anonymous

    This may have been discussed in the past (I’ve been subscribing to your blog for about 6 months), but my husband and I waited until we were married to have sex (been married about 3 years) and because we never had sex with each other or anyone else prior to marriage, we came into our marriage not knowing ‘how’ to have good sex or, for me, how to enjoy it. He is all for sex and enjoys it, but I’ve struggled so much the past few years trying to learn how to enjoy sex and desire it. I sort of feel like I could go without it and be fine, which I know is wrong. It’s not that I don’t want it, but I don’t have much of a desire for it either. It seems of more like a chore to me. Which I know is not how it should be, we are in our prime and should be all for it! Is there anyone else out there struggling with this issue?

    1. J

      I’ll get to this topic soon! I do really like Sheila’s 29 Days to Great Sex; she addresses the topic both emotionally and practically.

      Heather – I read Intended for Pleasure, but I’m trying to remember which one that was. It apparently didn’t stick with me. I have read Sheet Music by Kevin Leman: It’s good, and others have recommended it too. You’re reminding me to do a post one of these days are books about Christian sexuality that I like.

    2. Anonymous

      Intended for Please by Dr. Ed Wheat was the book given to me by my mother and my pastor independently. My husband and I waited until the alter to share our first kiss and it was each of our’s very first kiss ever. We both had gone through Intended before our big day and it was a lifesaver!!! Highly recommend it.

    3. Anonymous

      Thanks Heather! So are you guys doing better after reading and working on your intimacy life? Sometimes, I feel so, what’s the word?, lazy about investing time/energy into our sex life. Again, wrong I know, but it just feels like such a HUGE mountain ahead of me when I think of where our sex life is, and where it should (optimally) be.

  13. Greg

    *** Personal note: This isn’t a hint about the article I sent earlier; in fact, you were wise not to publish it because it’s admittedly rather too intimate ***

    May I throw in a personal challenge in light of your December 26, 2011 post “The Wonderful Male Body”? In it, you shared candidly that:

    “I still think it’s kind of odd the way God created both male and female genitalia. (For the record, I don’t think the gal parts are especially gorgeous either.)”

    How about a post that helps YOU and your female readers recognize and appreciate the anatomical beauty that God designed and blessed them with? It seems to me there are many women who need to be encouraged that their feminine beauty lies in their amazing differences from men, not in unrealistic expectations and airbrushed magazine covers.

    1. J

      First on personal note, Greg: I still have the article in my inbox and have thought about it often. If you don’t mind me quoting from it, I may use parts. But you wouldn’t believe how long some things sit on my draft box until I feel a push to finish, polish, and publish. So, sorry for the delay.

      As to the other, great idea. I’ll put that one in my thinking cap and answer it soon.

  14. Anonymous

    I’d love a post on the fact that an overly “beta” husband is a real libido killer in most wives (or at least this one!!!). Our society, and especially the church, seems to groom men to be so sensitive and attentive and egalitarian in their approach with us. Don’t get me wrong–I love all the kitchen help and back rubs and love I get from my honey. But I want to feel like he is stronger than I am, that I can have a bad day and be bossy and he will stop me, he will push back when I go too far, he will be tough enough to stand up to me without backing down.
    I’ don’t know if this makes sense, but I guess I’m asking if I’m crazy for wishing my husband didn’t cater so much to me? That he would aggressively tease me during the day, and that night say, “Take your clothes off, because I am not sleeping till we have made love…and I want you to Xxxx…” rather than try to be snuggly and pet on me and hint around and be all hesitant. Am I weird? I’m so grateful Im not married to a brick who doesn’t care what I feel, but I’m so eager and willing to follow, if he would just be more…manly?? about it.
    And don’t get me wrong. We have a great marriage and lots of sex, prob 4-5 times a week. He leads in lots of areas, and I just can’t understand why he gets so hesitant when I haven’t turned him down for sex in years and enjoy it a lot.
    Am I unwittingly doing or saying something to cause this?

    1. J

      I must say that this is a fascinating question! I doubt you’re alone. I would be happy to tackle this one. There is quite a bit to say about it. Thanks!

    2. Anonymous

      Oh, yes I agree about this hinting around stuff and being all hesitant. Come on, be a man. If you want it then just say it and tell me how you want it and how much you want it. That is what makes part of it so appealing and attractive. How can I encourage my honey that it’s ok to do that and is part of what makes him “hot”…?

  15. Anonymous

    Can you give some thoughts or advice on taking pics or vids of you & your spouse for you two to enjoy?

  16. Heather L.

    I have a husband who desperately desires sex more (we are going through 29 days to great sex currently and it is fantastic!) The problem we seem to be encountering is that unlike me, he has a hard time climaxing sometimes. Mostly when he is tired, but I almost always am ready before he is. Sometimes its ok, and I can go twice, but sometimes it’s just been too long and my lady parts can’t take it anymore :-/ It’s not an issue of being aroused.. he describes it like he doesn’t have enough control to be able to make it happen. Any suggestions??

  17. Anonymous

    I just found this post and hope it’s not too late to post a question! What do you do when you have your period??? I get that there are pretty easy ways to keep your husband sexually satisfied when you can’t have intercourse, but what about yourself? I find myself getting pretty sex crazed at the end of my week long period (totally sucks) and my husband is itching for it as well. Is there a way to have sex during your period? Should we just manually stimulate each other during that week? Help!

    1. J

      Nope. Not too late. I’m just adding questions as they come into my queue. I’ll put this one on my list. (The quick answer is yes, but I’ll go into it more later.) Best wishes!

  18. Anonymous

    I’m so happy for the chance to ask this question b/c I have no idea who else to ask and I love your blog so much! Please talk to me about au natural/nude beaches. My dh and I are both strong Christians, but when he’s in Jamaica at a resort, he loves the au natural beach – he’s private about it and doesn’t look at other women, but loves the warm sun and sea on his skin. I’m much more modest, and I haven’t found any biblical grounds for nudity in a public place like that. This is a real problem, ’cause I want to bless him with what makes him relaxed and happy, but I don’t have the conviction that this is o.k. as a Christian. How can we resolve this? Thanks!!!

    1. J

      I can do a whole post on this, but my quick answer is no, it’s not okay biblically. 1 Corinthians 7:4 says, “The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.” Our bodies are not for public viewing, but belong to ourselves and our spouses. Some parts are indeed private. Moreover, 1 Corinthians 10:23-24: “’Everything is permissible’—but not everything is beneficial. ‘Everything is permissible’—but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others.” I can’t see how traipsing around on a nudist beach is beneficial, constructive, and for the good of others. It sounds like your husband is pursuing his own interest. And I’m sorry to say, his claim that he isn’t looking at other women if he sees them on the nude beach is at the very least questionable.

      Personally, I really enjoy skinny-dipping. I can understand the pleasure of warm sun and sea (or river or pool water, etc.) on your skin. However, there are ways to accomplish this WITHOUT visiting nude beaches where you see others naked or expose yourself to others.

      Somehow you need to let him know this is not okay with you. Of course, attacking him with anger and scripture isn’t likely to get you the results you want. Try approaching him with your concerns and questions about why he does this and how you and he might do it far more privately and biblically. My thoughts and prayers are with you!

    2. Anonymous

      It’s such a blessing to be able to talk about this – thank you! You say there are ways to accomplish this experience without going to that type of beach – I would be tremendously thankful if you could give some suggestions. Thanks so much!

    3. Anonymous

      There are private cabins who ask there hot tub users to not wear anything into thee tub. On such place is http://www.vrbo.com#73588 We have been there and will admit it is very sensual and freeing to be nude in water. There also places where they have private ponds or lakes that you could do most anything nude in your own private place. Tell your hubby you will enjoy that if he finds the right spot

    4. J

      Just a note from J: I’m usually reluctant to post comments that include information about specific products. However, I did check out the link. I can’t say anything about that place, but I did know that such destinations exist. Thanks!

  19. Gray

    I came across this on twitter and is just in time! I am getting married in 12 days and me and my fiance are both virgins and have only “pop kissed.” I am really not nervous at all and am so excited for Gods gift of intimacy to us! I was just wondering if you could give me some tips or things I should know going into this so I can make it the best possible experience for my future wife and I. I am a blank slate 🙂 Thank you so much!

  20. Anonymous

    Hi J, let me start by saying I am sixteen and not married. I know that I do not really fit your qualifications for questions, but hear me out. First let me start out by saying that I am a victim of incest from my childhood. Which (I think) was the root emotional cause of a lot of sexual mistakes in the past few years, mainly in masturbation and pornography. It has been a bumpy road. But tonight I have been reading a lot of your posts about the sanctity of sex and how fun and wonderful it is for marriage- which I have always agreed with, but not always listened too. (Before I forget, thank you for being honest about good marital sex.) As I was saying, I know what I like- what works to get myself to orgasm. I have found redemption and forgiveness from God (PRAISE THE LORD) but I am concerned for my wedding night. Granted, that is a long way away considering no boyfriend and I am sixteen, but it is a concern. I am afraid that my wedding night won’t be as pleasurable for me, and in turn for him, because I will be impatient or that he isn’t doing it right. All of that already on top of the awkward/I don’t know what I am doing sex. I guess I don’t have my question in question format, but can you just help with… that stuff above?

    1. J

      If you’ve been tracking, you know that it took me a long time to post this comment. I have been contemplating this question for a while. I will answer the full question in a future post.

      It breaks my heart that you were a victim of incest. That should never happen to a child! God obviously has a different story to write for you.

      My blog is indeed primarily for married couples, and thus some of my posts are rather blunt for a 16 year old to be reading. However, if my own kid stumbled across such a blog someday, I would hope that she would glean that sex is beautiful and blessed by God in marriage and that staying pure beforehand will enhance that experience later. Moreover, I’d much rather she get perspective from a biblical blogger than the advice column of a Seventeen magazine.

      So stay tuned. I will answer your question. Also, so that you don’t have to follow each and every post (some of which may not be best for a teenager to read), I’ll come back here and notify you when it’s up.

      Thanks for your question. Blessings. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    2. Anonymous

      I have been tracking them. Thank you for responding. And as for me being to young to read this stuff, you said it yourself – “I’d much rather she get perspective from a biblical blogger than the advice column of a Seventeen magazine.”

  21. Anonymous

    I just recently found your blog and it is great! I realize this post was published a while ago, but I figured I’d still submit a question….

    My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years. We were great friends for years before, have known each other since we were kids, and have lots of fun together. We did not have sex until we were married (he had before me though). I have always heard about great sex lives, and how much people love it, and how amazing it is, but honestly, I just dont get it.

    I have practically no sex drive to begin with (we have sex maybe a couple times a month, and we are in our 20s)–I know this hurts him. So when we do have sex, it often feels like it’s a chore for me. I have been told many times by other Christians that it is my wifely duty and I have to…I can’t always be turning him down just because I dont want to. When we do, he is willing to take his time, etc., but I just want to get it over with as soon as possible so I can go to sleep. I rarely enjoy it. Honestly, I only enjoy sex if I have had a few drinks, and I dont do that often. I dont want my sex life to be based on alcohol making it better.

    I feel like I could go forever without sex and be just fine. I just dont want it and when we have it, it’s nothing great. I have wondered several times what the big deal is. Add to all this that I just feel AWKWARD and so uncomfortable. My husband likes to play around and grab me, etc., but I hate it. I feel like I am being groped by someone who is just a good friend, not my husband. And when we have sex, I am uncomfortable–it just feels awkward to me. It doesn’t feel intimate and loving–it just feels like sex. Nothing more. And afterwards, I usually feel so strange about it too.

    Im sorry this is so long. We have struggled with this for years. I have told my husband I just have no sex drive (it actually broke up my parent’s marriage bc of my father being that way, so maybe it’s genetic?) but I know he wants more. I always feel guilty or used when it comes to sex, and only satisfied if tipsy. Any help??

    1. J

      I am definitely putting this question in the queue. A couple of things before I answer fully in a post: 1) you are not alone in feeling this way; and 2) yes, there are things you can do to make it better.

      I have made the case that wives are obligated to have sex with their husbands (it’s in the Bible: 1 Corinthians 7), but God’s desire is not for either spouse to schlep into the bedroom out of duty. He designed it to be an enjoyable, intimate act! So I’ll get to this question, and maybe we can address how to learn to love it. If you really like sex with your husband, you’ll want to have it.

      In the meantime, saying a prayer for you both!

  22. Anonymous

    What about masturbation in a Christian marriage? Is it ok? Is it a good way for the spouse with the higher sex drive to deal with the times when their spouse isn’t in the mood and doesn’t want to be sexual? What about for husbands after their wife has a baby, is it serving her to not impose on her with his sexual needs?

  23. Anonymous

    Hi, J! I found your blog recently and enjoy reading your thoughts/opinions! I have a problem that I would love to get your advice on, if you’re able to answer.

    My hubby and I have been married for 4 years and just recently had our first child. Neither of us waited for sex until marriage, although it is something we regret. Before we were married and early on in our marriage, we had a great sex life. But over the last couple of years, it’s…dwindled a bit. More often lately, my husband complains that sex is boring for him, mostly because of a lack of variety in the bedroom. While I understand his issue, I also have one of my own: new positions often hurt and sometimes make me feel like I’m being used. Some positions hurt before pregnancy and childbirth, but even more do now that my body has been changed by having a baby. Our daughter is 4 months old and I’m breastfeeding, so I’m sure hormones play a part in this. I was also molested by my stepfather as a child (though he never forced intercourse) and my first sexual partner was very emotionally absent. I’m sure these play some sort of part in my issue as well, at least emotionally. I WANT things to get better, but I’m truly at a loss. Any advice?

  24. Anonymous

    Hey J,

    My husband and I have been married just short of a year and a half and we have already had some pretty big struggles that God has really helped us work through. To make a long story short, the day after our wedding, I found out my husband still had an addiction to porn that just devastated me. Although we had both had sex before marriage, we had repented and chosen to wait till marriage for the two of us to have sex together. So when I found out he was still having an issue with porn after he had told me several times that he didn’t I was heart broken. Thankfully, we still had sex during our honeymoon but most of the time was spent with me crying and feeling uncomfortable. Fast forward through some extremely rocky times and I can finally say that I have started to move past it. Anyways, that is a whole different story but I do feel like it is important to know to understand what I am struggling with now. Thankfully we have been able to maintain a pretty healthy sex life where we have it quite a few times a week unless our schedule doesn’t permit and even then we try to make it work.

    The thing I am struggling with the most is my chest size. I have struggled with it my whole life due to unkind remarks from friends, boys, past boyfriends etc, but I felt pretty confident about myself until I found out about my husbands issue and its like it resurfaced worse than ever. I suddenly felt that I would never be sexy enough or as well endowed as them. I was so hurt because I felt like I wasn’t special enough to wait for when it came to his sexual desires. Thankfully, since then, my husband has gone above and beyond to set up boundaries in his life and to help me work through our previous issue so now I know this is mainly my insecurity. Although, I do see him occasionally look at other women, I know in my heart that he isn’t “checking them out” and he will admit that he notices other attractive women but that he is not lusting after them like before. I struggle because when I see him look and if it happens to be another “chesty” woman I just want to cry or hide in a hole. I don’t even want to go to the beach with him and I just downright feel uncomfortable with myself. I am a small petite girl and it wouldn’t even be right if I had larger boobs but I still feel like I will never compare to these women or feel attractive enough to catch my husbands eye like they do. He tells me that I am the most beautiful woman to him and it’s like it doesn’t even register in my head because I don’t feel this way. I don’t want to be ungrateful for the body God has given me and I don’t want to diminish the encouragement that my husband is giving me, but I just feel hurt and feel stuck. With posters of women and scantily clad women everywhere, I just want to be able to feel comfortable in my own skin and be able to accept my husbands compliments and actually feel like he means it. My husband and I have thought that maybe I need professional help, but I don’t even know where to start to find someone to help me with body image. Any advice?

    1. J

      Bless your heart. I can hear your pain. Been there, done that. I will address this one for sure!

      One quick thought: Almost all of the women on posters and magazine covers these days are airbrushed, including giving the gals bigger breasts in the pic. Stupid, right? And plenty who aren’t are wearing implants. So we have a pretty skewed perception of what’s “normal” these days. Comparisons are thus pointless. But I know that won’t stop your feeling this way, so I’ll get back to this…

  25. Anonymous

    Thank you. I do want to clarify that God has helped me tremendously with getting past the first issue but I had to learn to let go and I’m imagining that this is the same thing. Unfortunately, I’m obviously having a harder time letting go because this roots much deeper than my marriage. I honestly know about not comparing, but I feel so defeated and hopeless knowing that I just don’t look like that. Ugh. It’s a vicious cycle that I really am praying to learn how to feel confident. I don’t even know exactly what or how to pray because I just feel so guilty about feeling bad about my body when I know God calls me beautiful. Thank you for addressing this. I really do appreciate it and all you do.

  26. Anonymous

    Can you do a post specifically for women who are going to get married in the near future? All the things they need to know, all the things they will WANT to know, or how to be prepared for the wedding night. How to talk about expectations and preferences (meaning anything from candles to music or shaved to un-shaved). I could go on and on. I know sex for the first is supposed to be awkward and never “movie moment” perfect but I want everything to be the absolute best it can be. That awkwardness and stumbling around is what makes the first time together special and perfect. I just want to not do anything bad. I want me and my fiance to be on the same page. I think it could be the best for us. Can you help?

  27. Anonymous

    J – My wife and I have been married for three years now. During that time I have given her various gifts of Lingerie around holidays, birthdays, random days… I love it when my wife gets dressed up in anticipation of sex. To me, a very visual man, it’s her way of inviting me to be intimate with her, kind of my version of foreplay. Just like when I bring her flowers, prepare a romantic dinner date, spend time holding her and kissing the nape of her neck. When she get’s “dressed up” she’s telling me she’s interested in pleasing me (she knows I’m visual), wants to look her best and have me devour her with my eyes (because my eyes are only for her), she wants to seduce/pursue me (and I want to be seduced/pursued).

    This last weekend I was gone on a men’s retreat. When I got home I was looking forward to reconnecting with my wife. As she went to take her shower I asked if she was going to put on anything special for the evening.

    She got angry.

    For the first time my wife revealed her thoughts on lingerie. She hates it. Wishes no one ever invented such things. She had a few reasons why: it’s uncomfortable at times, difficult to put on at times, she feels ridiculous in all that lace and silk. All of these seem like good reasons, and I think they can be remedied: buy things that fit better, are easier to don, things you actually like the look and feel of.
    However, the most significant reason for her distaste, and the most troubling, is that she equates lingerie with the culture of porn, strippers, and unrealistic expectations of female beauty. She feels that by wearing such things she’s trying to reach some unattainable standard of perverted beauty that plays in the fantasies of men.

    To say the least, I was abashed. I had never viewed lingerie in that manner, and my wife had never mentioned it herself. I view it in much the same way as when a woman does her makeup, or puts on an evening gown for a night out. You’re accentuating your assets, revealing some but concealing enough, and putting your best foot forward.

    So here are my questions: Am I completely wrong? Is my wife correct that lingerie comes from the world of pornography? Is my desire to see her get dressed up from some perverted male fantasy of what a woman should look like? Do many other women share the views of my wife? If I’m not out in left field, how do I address her concerns and still let her know that I feel loved when she puts on something pretty for a night in bed?

    1. J

      Huh. Interesting situation. I will put this question in the queue. For now, let her be. It’s not worth arguing until you figure out how to address it well.

      And yeah, I think most husbands like to see their wives in sexy lingerie, or the ever-popular just plain naked.

  28. Anonymous

    Hi! I asked this somewhere on the blog before, but I don’t think I asked in the right place. I basically wondered what you thought about bridal boudoir photography. In some senses, I think it’s a really cute and special thing to do for my husband-to-be (I’m getting married in December), because I won’t always have the body I have right now, and I’d like him to remember our wedding day from those pictures, so maybe bridal boudoir is kind of a way to remember our wedding night in pictures (except we definitely won’t have pictures that night, because I hear it will be messy and awkward.)

    On the other hand, I feel really weird about a photographer seeing me in that state of undress, but maybe it’s kind of like a gynecologist, where it’s their job, so it’s not a big deal. And also, I feel a little bit weird about him getting the pictures the morning of the wedding, because (and this is way legalistic of me) then we’re not officially “married” yet. I don’t know. I guess I just wonder if I’m overthinking this and if it would actually be a fun, cute thing to do for him.

  29. Anonymous

    I have a question about the masturbation talk. My husband has told me he does not find me attractive, does not believe he will be able to find me attractive and has refused to have sex with me for over 10 years. I am devastated and heartbroken. I long for all forms of intimacy with my husband. Would masturbation for me be wrong?

    1. J

      Get thee to a counselor! You do not have sex problems. You have MARRIAGE problems. If he won’t go, go without him. That’s definitely something you can do alone to help yourself. I’m of the camp that believe that withholding sex entirely for this length of time in a marriage is unfaithful. We are commanded to meet each other’s sexual needs (1 Cor 7:5). Of course you are devastated and heartbroken. Who wouldn’t be? You need to help to figure out how to handle this–far more than I am qualified to give on this blog. Ask around for a good counselor; some churches offer inexpensive counseling services as well.

      As to whether you can masturbate in the meantime, I’m not going to say it’s wrong. Be careful that it doesn’t replace your desire for the real thing. Don’t make this a regular activity. However, if it helps you stay focused on this marriage and not seek sexual activity elsewhere, I could make a case for it.

      The most important activity you should be doing, though, is reaching out to figure out how to help your marriage.

  30. Mother of a Sea Monkey!

    I almost hate to leave a comment since this post is currently at 69…seems fitting. Lol!

    Can you please do a post speaking to young married couples (a.k.a. inexperienced) with very young kids (1 or 2 under 2 years; wife possibly also pregnant)? Primary topics being expectations regarding frequency, duration, etc.

    I have to add that my particular DH is VERY understanding regarding the current state of our sex life, but every time I read blogs such as yours and Intimacy in Marriage (since these posts seem to be aimed at a crowd with kids who are at least somewhat self-sufficient), I feel guilty. Guilty when I just have to say no; guilty that I’m not able to satisfy his libido, even though that is my responsibility as his wife. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE having sex with him! Just not quite as frequently as he would like.

    Do we need to change my perspective and just say yes? Or do we take what you and Julie say and alter it slightly for our circumstances?

  31. Anonymous

    My husband has been begging me to use a toy on him anally (like a strap on) is this wrong J? Should I do it? I mean I’m open & as weird as it sounds, it kinda sound fun but idk.

    1. J

      That’s fairly odd for a heterosexual married man to request that. I’d be reluctant. However, I’m considering this question further and will write a response post soon. Blessings!

  32. Jessica

    Here is my question….My husband and I just had our first baby 3 weeks ago. While we are delighting in our little girl, I am missing being intimate with my husband. I know we need to wait until my doctor clears me (I had a 3rd degree tear…ouch!:)) but hoping by 6 weeks we will be able to relish in each other again. Do you have any tips for those first few times after having a baby? I’ve heard that it can be quite painful and that things aren’t always in the correct places at first…I would love any tips!!

  33. mommaof3

    My husband and I have been married for 5 years, and in the past year or so I have been having some troubling dreams. I try thinking good things before bed, since everyone says that you dream what you’re thinking…that doesn’t help at all. I keep dreaming about cheating on my husband with 2 different people (who i know in real life). I’m not asking for an interpretation or anything like that. lol Just do you have any advice on how to deal with these dreams? My husband thinks that it is funny because one of the people I dream about is his brother, so he likes to tease me and say that I married the wrong brother. However, it really bothers me to have these dreams about these 2 guys, because then it kind of changes how I think of these people in real life. So I guess I would like to know if you can suggest any ways to stop the dreams, and also how to deal with them (or forget them!) once I wake up in the mornings. (these dreams happen like once every week or so. So not every day, but not just occasionally.) Thank you for speaking so openly about marital sex and all that goes with it! 🙂

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