Beyond the Single Orgasm

Q&A

On Mondays, I have been answering questions I received from my Q&A with J at HHH post. If you have another one to pose, head over there and leave a comment. I will eventually get around to all of the inquiries.

Today’s questions are to-the-point and were asked by anonymous commenters.

1. The multiple orgasm myth – busted? true? Tips?

2. Any tips on how to arrive at orgasm at the same time?

Since both questions deal with orgasm, I’ll answer them in one post.

Now some of you wives may be asking yourself, “Multiple orgasm? Simultaneous orgasm? Good gracious, I’ll settle for ONE Big O!” If you have difficulty reaching climax, then I suggest you pop right over to my post on If Only I Could O.

I also recommend posts from To Love, Honor and Vacuum (Sheila Gregoire) – The Pleasure Center, Intimacy in Marriage (Julie Sibert) – Your Orgasm is Your Responsibility, Mostly, and Generous Husband (Paul Byerly) – Orgasmic Massage. There are other great resources, but I recall these in particular.

If you currently have orgasms and want to increase the intensity even more, multiples and simultaneous orgasm certainly do that. In particular, having multiple orgasms is enjoyable and delights your husband, while achieving climax together can be a breathtaking, intimate moment for the two of you. But the question is HOW?

Lest you think such a thing is impossible, I have heard several orgasm statistics for which I cannot find a legitimate source. For instance, presumably the world record for the most number of orgasms in an hour is 134. This “stat” makes me wonder several things: How was this measured? Why would any woman want to do this? Was she still alive at the end? The longest orgasm is purported to be 22 hours. Again, Who? Why? What is wrong with people? And there is a couple who wrote a book suggesting that you can have a one-hour orgasmReally? Is this necessary? Is it even wise? Who has the time?

Yet getting back to the real world where 2-4 orgasms per sexual experience are quite enough, thank you very much, and achieving a sexual high together would be a nice thing to do sometimes…here are some tips.

MULTIPLE ORGASMS

First of all, it isn’t a myth. Quite a few women experience multiple orgasms in a single sexual encounter.

The easiest orgasm to achieve is purely clitoral — meaning that your husband stimulates your clitoris to the point of intense pleasure and eventually that tension releases as a physical wave of spasms and a mental holy-shivers-that-feels-good recognition. You know you have had an orgasm when you feel your vagina squeeze and release and your eyes roll to the back of your head and fall onto your pillow. (You can pick them up and return them to your sockets later.) As you can see, I’m rather happy with God giving woman a clitoris, as it has no purpose whatsoever but to provide pleasure for the wife during sex. What a generous God we have!

But wives can also have a vaginal orgasm, which typically occurs with penetration. How can I describe that one? It feels less frenetic and deeper and may last longer. Some experts believe that the key factor for a vaginal orgasm is contact with the G-spot; I’m not sure that’s a must. The clitoris is still involved in this orgasm, however, because it receives indirect pressure through thrusting.

Given that not all orgasms are the same, not all multiple orgasms feel the same either. You may have more than one clitoral, a clitoral and a vaginal, more than one vaginal, or whatever. And they will feel different. In fact, clitoral orgasms range as well in their intensity, contractions, feeling of sparks or waves, etc. Which is awesome, ladies! We wives can experience a variety of orgasmic experiences; meanwhile, husbands report that their climaxes are fabulous but pretty straightforward.

As to HOW TO, here are my tips:

Slow, fast, climax, slow, fast, climax, etc. This is particularly true with clitoral orgasms. You can make it a loop. Typically, wives wants husbands to go slow for a while and then quicken the pace and increase the pressure. Once a wife has reached the pinnacle of pleasure and achieved orgasm, hubby needs to back down on the pace and pressure. He doesn’t need to start over, but since the wife has fallen down the hump in excitement level, she needs to be built up again to reach climax.

Think of it like a roller coaster. The ride inches slowly up to that first peak and then you go careening down the hill with a huge grin and a scream, and then the next hill comes. You have to get up that hill again, and you lose a little speed doing so. But then when you go down that second hill, you’re screaming again (Yippee! This is fun). It’s slow, fast, slow, fast — or, if you prefer, up, down, up, down.

Roller coaster

See? Doesn’t that look fun?! By Mazku at fi.wikipedia [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Clitoral stimulation, then vaginal. Even though a wife can have more than one vaginal orgasm, the clitoral is easier for most women to get to. So I suggest focusing on getting there first, and then having the husband enter. To get that second (or ninth, whatever your goal) orgasm, you can do a few things:

  • Play with sexual positioning. I’m not talking about some contortionist act — just tilt your hips, raise your legs, try woman-on-top, use the edge of the bed get into an angle that arouses you more or provides deeper penetration, etc.
  • Have him stimulate other areas of your body. If your breasts are erogenous zones or having him kiss your neck makes you go crazy, add that extra attention to see if that gets you over the brink.
  • Continue to stimulate the clitoris while hubby is inside. He can do this with his fingers or, if you are comfortable, you can do it yourself. In fact, most husbands are highly aroused to watch their wives touch themselves. However, you and hubby may wish for him to take charge of this as well. Whatever works for you.

You could also go for a succession of clitoral orgasms and wait on the intercourse longer. Make that decision together to see what you want to do.

If at first you don’t succeed… Seriously, don’t sweat this. Sex can be very enjoyable for a woman without an orgasm (a brownie). Sex with an orgasm is even better (dollop of ice cream). Sex with multiple orgasms is unnecessary, but rather nice (chocolate sauce). Believe me, if you don’t have Hershey’s syrup in your cabinet and offer me a brownie and ice cream, I’m still eating and enjoying every bite. You can enjoy it too.

Brownie w/ice cream & chocolate sauce

I know, I know. What’s with me and brownies?

If you don’t get wave after wave of awesome orgasm on your first (or fifth) try, keep making love! Try something a little different. Communicate. Experiment. Have fun with it. Ultimately, the best way to know what turns you on the most is not for me to draw a diagram or write an instruction manual, but for you and your husband to explore one another’s bodies and sexual responses.

SIMULTANEOUS ORGASM

Timing. It’s ALL about mastering the timing. If you can each reach climax, then you simply have to figure out who needs to hold off until the other spouse gets there. One spouse must come very close and then have patience while the other spouse gets very close, and then knock yourselves out. The ideal simultaneous orgasm is with penetration. It may be easier for some women to have a clitoral orgasm beforehand and then have their husband enter and bring them to climax again. Unlike the guys, we gals can handle a twofer and the first orgasm may in fact help get a wife to a sexual plateau where it isn’t that hard to shoot her up again into orgasmic pleasure.

Indeed, once you both get very close, one of you having an orgasm will likely help the other get there. That’s because the spasms of a wife’s orgasm provide pressure on her husband’s penis to bring about ejaculation; while the husband’s ejaculation will likely cause him to thrust deeper, thus contacting sensitive spots inside a woman that may respond with orgasm.

Luck. You can do some planning with this, but it’s my opinion that there is a bit of luck with simultaneous orgasm. Getting the two of you to climax together is a bit like trying to get two runners to cross the finish line at the exact same moment. You can do your best to match another’s stride, but breaking that finish line tape together would be difficult to achieve consistently. So take it when it happens, but as a friend of mine said, “This isn’t synchronized swimming.”

Synchronized swimmers

Marital intimacy is NOT synchronized swimming! By Pierre-Yves Beaudouin via Wikimedia Commons

Experience. Couples are better able to climax together when they are older and have been together longer. This is because is it relatively difficult for a young man to postpone climax while an older man can often control his climax better. Additionally, over time married, sexually active couples learn to gauge one another’s physical responses and adjust accordingly. At this point in my marriage, no one has to say, “I’m almost there,” because the other spouse can tell; we’ve just been there enough to know. Thus, simultaneous orgasm is actually easier to achieve with age and time together. That doesn’t mean the young-ins can’t get it, but it does mean that if you haven’t experienced it yet, you may in the future.

HAVE FUN TRYING

I think most women can achieve multiple and simultaneous orgasms at some point in their marriage. However, from a biblical perspective, my experience, and talking with other wives who have had multiples and simultaneous orgasm, the most enjoyable sex comes not from meeting such goals but from having physical, emotional, and spiritual intimacy in the bedroom. Seeking these goals in turn helps you reach the physical ones. Feeling comfortable and confident sexually with your husband, being able to explore and communicate with one another during sex, and each having the attitude of pleasuring the other will go a long way toward experiencing multiples and simultaneous orgasm.

So learn about your body, take these tips, and apply them. But focus on one another. Take your time. Make these goals something fun to go for, but not the be-all-end-all. Remember that if it was about just multiple orgasms, you could get that with your hand or a toy. Ultimately, sex is about connecting with your spouse.

20 thoughts on “Beyond the Single Orgasm

  1. Anonymous

    1 – my wife is able to experience multiple orgasms, and for many years, that was my goal for her. Within the past year, we discovered that she will have one hella intense orgasm via the practice of edging, i. e., taking her to the edge of an orgasm and backing off. There are times when she will moan with the letdown of not completing, but when it finally comes, it may take her a few minutes to recover the power of speech. After edging, she’s pretty much reduced to communicating through grunts, snorts and howls.

    2 – If you look up “clitoris” on wikipedia, there is a diagram that shows that the entire clitoris is an organ about 4 inches long, with ‘legs’ that run down either side of the vaginal opening (in the labia) and into the vagina. The article says that what we call G-spot orgasms are really clitoral orgasms, from stimulating the part of the clitoris that is within the vagina walls.

    1. J

      Thanks for the tip about “edging.” I’m familiar with that as well, and it can bring about waves for some wives that leave their knees weak and make those eyeballs fall all the way to the ground. LOL! Good for you two. 😉

      On your second point, I’ve read SO MUCH about lady parts that I do know about the clitoris and its role in “G-spot,” or vaginal, orgasms. From the female perspective, though, they FEEL different so the distinction seems useful for conversation’s sake. Thanks for the clarification, though. The anatomy info may help couples imagine what’s happening.

      Best wishes!

  2. Grace Pamer

    Timing, as with everything in life, is the magic sauce! Excellent post J. I know a couple who need to read this. I’ll tweet it out to my followers to as I’m sure there are many out there in need of a little fine tuning! 😉

    Thanks
    Grace

  3. Dave

    The one thing I really enjoy about our sex life is that about 75% of the time, my wife and I are able to climax together (or at least within 5 seconds of each other). As you mention J, this came about as a result of knowing each other and understanding who needs to get to what point so that we can share in this pleasure. Its such a beautiful and rewarding thing! When it doesn’t happen, we are ok with that as well and ensure that we enjoy our intimacy as much.

  4. Sara with an H

    Another great post, J!

    I’ve only experienced multiple orgasms once or twice in the 7 years we’ve been married, but to be honest, the orgasms I do have are so intense that I joke I probably couldn’t survive another on 🙂 My husband is very good at listening to my clues and will also practice an interesting sort of edging that I think makes my orgasms intense – he’ll bring me almost there before he ever penetrates, then he’ll back off, let me come down a bit, and then that’s when he penetrates. Since I was already almost there, the thrusting, combined with the clitoral stimulation makes my orgasms crazy good and very long (think 30-60 seconds plus), sometimes to the point where it takes me minutes afterwards to loosen my grip and/or catch my breath. It definitely makes making love LOTS of fun 🙂

  5. Megan@DoNotDisturb

    Thanks for another great post J. I love how you approach your “how-to” posts with such practical information but do it in such a way as to not isolate people who just aren’t there yet. Taking it slowly, learning your spouse’s body and cues, fully developing a skill before getting ahead of yourself are all part of the lifelong goal of great intimacy. With sex, we have the luxury of learning, progressing and getting better over time.

    Megan

  6. Anonymous

    I feel extremely blessed to have a wife who can orgasm easily, often, sometimes multiples, etc. She is usually the first one to climax when we make love, often to the point that she is able to get a second by the time I reach my first (and usually only). And there is little better in life than a simultaneous orgasm. 🙂

  7. Anonymous

    My wife is amazing and easily orgasms with me inside her (usually before I do). Also, multiple orgasms almost always happen (last time, by my count, 11). However, it wasn’t always that way! I wasn’t always an attentive husband and she often just laid there or had to be begged into having sex with me. By God’s grace, I saw the error of my ways…and has it ever paid off! Definitely going to try the “edging”! Always looking to add to our repertoire!

  8. Anonymous

    And I am one of those lucky wives whose husband delights in her orgasms! What a marvelous gift!

  9. happywife

    Hi! I found your blog about a week ago, and have been reading, reading, reading. I never thought I could have multiples… having him touch me after one orgasm was always too much and I would have to cry uncle. But after finding this post yesterday, I decided that I was going to achieve a multiple orgasm if it killed me. So last night I decided would be the night 🙂 After we both had our first orgasm and were laying there cuddling for a minute, I told him I wanted to experience another one. He happily obliged with his fingers. It took me a while to get there, and a few times I thought about giving up, but once I broke through… holy hotness it was hands down the best orgasm I’ve experienced in 24 years of sex. I realize the key was to relax for a minute after the first one and then to be willing to give him feedback (which I’m always a bit shy to do). But saying things like, “go a bit deeper, hold back a bit, oh yea.. that’s it” really helped. Also to completely relax and breathe deeply when I felt like I wasn’t going to be able to take any more.
    Thank you, thank you, thank you for being willing to share such intimate advice on this blog! I feel like I am gleaning the information I needed to help our sex life go to new levels.

    1. J

      Wow. How absolutely wonderful for you! I bet your hubby’s strutting a little today too. 😉 Most husbands report feeling really great when they can give their wives such pleasure.

      I appreciate you sharing your experience. Blessings to you and hubby!

    2. happywife

      Oh yes, he is strutting 🙂 It’s so cute. He has texted me several times today telling me how much he loves me. I am seeing how by being completely unashamed and vunerable with him, he is left feeling trusted and very much the man of the house. This then allows him to fully receive my love for him… and then of course he wants to love me in return. It’s a beautiful cycle in which everyone wins.

  10. Christy

    I just found your blog this week (among others – I didn’t know you ladies existed, but I am glad you do!), and I’ve enjoyed it so much. I’ll be back often 🙂
    I am one of those women who is blessed to have a generous husband who works to make sex pleasurable for me, and being married 13 years now, I can honestly say we get better at it ALL the time. I did not always have “the big O” very often (practically never for the first 5-6 years of our marriage), but now I get there nearly every time, often more than once! (Practice does make perfect! hehe) But what I’ve been hoping for is to get there at the same time as him – and that doesn’t happen very often.
    Yesterday after reading your blog, I anticipated my husband all day and spent the day aroused (I mean Aroused, with a capital A – tmi??) and WOW. Earth shaking, complete with tremors and fire works. And simultaneous!!! I don’t remember if you mentioned the importance of the anticipation, but for me, it works very well. (VERY well). If I look forward and plan ahead, the pleasure for me sends my eyeballs rolling under the door and down the stairs! Whew. Now I can hardly wait for tonight!
    Thanks for a great blog! We Christian wives need to be encouraged to enjoy sex with our husbands – it really is a great gift.

    1. J

      Woo-hoo! I bet your husband enjoyed it too–seeing you at that height of pleasure. I agree that sex can get better over time when you learn more about sex and your spouse and work together to become aroused and intimate.

      Congratulations. 🙂 So glad I could help a little and thrilled that there are other Christian wives writing about the value and joy of God’s gift of sex as well.

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