I admit to being puzzled at times by various research findings regarding sexuality in America, but this one has me downright flummoxed. A survey by Meredith Parent Network (who publishes Parents and American Baby magazines) of 1,014 moms between the ages of 18 and 35 shows that 12% of them use their phone during sex.
The report was unclear what exactly they are doing with their phones in the middle of intercourse. Are they texting? Tweeting? Playing Angry Birds? I can’t imagine pulling out my cell phone to check it while in the throes of marital passion. In fact, I’m rather good at ignoring any attempts to contact me by phone when the heat in my bedroom starts to rise. You people can wait! I am the middle of something important.
But in an effort to be more forward-thinking and open to the digital age, I would like to suggest actual uses for your cell phone during sex. Surely there’s a way to incorporate all of that fabulous technology into your love life, right? So here’s my list of Top 10 Things to Do with Your Cell Phone During Sex:
10. Text the guy who never asked you out in high school, “Getting it on with hubby now — 6th time this week. You should’ve courted me when you had the chance!”
9. Play your ringtone over and over for mood music.
8. Download a Sexual Positions app and then show the screen to your spouse several times with comments like, “No, not like that! See how this stick figure has his leg over there. Like that!”
7. Use the stopwatch function on your smart phone to see how long you both can last. Later, calculate how much fat you burned by inputting the minutes in your calorie counter app.
6. Set the ringer to vibrate when you find out that your normal toy is out of batteries … again. Surely it will do in a pinch.
5. Update your Facebook status to read At Bedroom with Adam G. Hubby. See how many likes you get.
4. Use the camera on your phone to snap a photo of your face mid-orgasm. You know you’ve always wondered what you really look like in that moment.
3. Surreptitiously call your husband’s phone and see how many times it rings before he finally stops and reaches over to the night table to answer.
2. Tweet the highlights: “Hubby getting undressed. Love the heart-decorated boxers. #boxersrule” “He’s trying a new move tonight. I think I like it. #sextonight” “Yelled SHOW ME THE HONEY in the middle of orgasm. #lovemyhubby”
1. Call your pastor and thank him personally for his recent sermon series on the Song of Solomon.
Obviously, I’m having fun with this. For a serious moment here, I cannot imagine what anyone is doing with a phone in hand in the middle of marital intimacy. If someone wishes to enlighten me, go right ahead.
However, anything that distracts you from your marital lovemaking may keep you from fully enjoying the experience at best and could be seen as an insult to your spouse. Your Words with Friends turn can wait a few minutes longer while you take some time to unplug from the world and plug into your spouse. (I swear that was an unintentional pun, but I’m chuckling anyway.)
What do you think? Had you seen this study?
“I only have eyes for you.”
lyrics by Al Dubin