How Do You Like to Be Touched?

Since I saw this video from Amanda Gore, I’ve been wanting to feature it here. Be sure to watch all the way through.

Ah, how true!

Many of you wives know how it feels to be lying there in bed at night, reading a book, thumbing through a magazine, or even starting to doze off, and suddenly BOOM! your husband’s hand has clamped down on your breast or butt cheek like a claw from one of those toy grabber machines. Hey, buddy! You did not insert a token and I am not a stuffed animal!

This is one of the biggest complaints about sex from wives — that their husbands don’t know how to touch them.

Guess what? That means you have to teach him. Yes, almost every husband is teachable. And he will like a lesson that involves this hands-on learning far better than any high school course he ever had.

Start the introduction outside the bedroom. One of my children is taking Spanish, and the teacher’s lesson plan on the first day included the objective, “Discuss why it’s important to learn Spanish.” In the same manner, you need to explain to your husband that it’s important to you that he learn how to touch you in a way that makes you feel cherished and that awakens your desire. Find someplace away from the bedroom to start the conversation in a neutral way, without immediate pressure to perform.

Tell him what benefits he will reap from this plan — that you expect to be more open to his advances if you first feel that he loves ALL of you, not just the “good parts.” Talk about how touching one another in the way that you each want to be touched will increase your feelings of intimacy. Then announce that you want to practice, and even that you will need to practice a lot.

Show him in the bedroom. It’s lab time, and you will be graded on a curve — a woman’s curve, that is. Take your time to talk about how and where you like to be touched. Show your husband by moving his hand or demonstrating with your own hand for him if you wish. Ask hubby if he’s willing to keep touching you in the way that you instruct until you get to the point of saying, “Touch the bits!”

He might be surprised to find that you are a willing participant in sexual intimacy if you have received the full-body touches that you desire and require to heat up sufficiently. Women can take 15-20 minutes of foreplay to be ready for penetration. Sheila Wray Gregoire has made the wonderful point over and over that wives often think they are not interested in sex because they aren’t . . . at first. Typically, females get interested in sex after they spend some time being attended to and aroused.

It’s like men are sexual morning people — you know, those people who wake up with a bolt at the first sign of sunlight through the window and then they’re ready for the day. Women are more like groggy morning people when it comes to sex — taking their time to rouse slowly and stretch and yawn and get the blood flowing where it needs to go to have the energy for the day. But the blood can get flowing with the right touch.

Now touch him the way he wants. As uncomfortable as it can feel the first time, try grabbing your husband’s crotch when he isn’t expecting it. Not too hard, of course; you don’t want to damage the goods. The next time you embrace, move your hands down and squeeze his behind. When you go to bed, roll over and start fondling his testicles. Do you think you might get a positive response?

An ongoing message I hear from hubbies is that they want their wives to desire them sexually. While we ladies want to be desired non-sexually a lot of times, your man may very well be longing for you to show interest in his sexuality — in those external parts that make him a sexual being.

Now plenty of husbands are still quite interested in holding hands, hugging, kissing, and making out, but now and then you might focus on that midsection and see what reaction you draw.

Also, men typically want greater pressure applied in touch. You can be pretty firm with touching their bodies and their penis (although be very gentle with their tender testicles). Ask your hubby what amount of pressure feels good. These are gender generalities, but you need to talk with your specific husband to see what he likes.

Now what you think? How do you like to be touched? Have you and your spouse communicated about how you like to be touched? What differences do you see between men and women regarding sexual or non-sexual touch?

15 thoughts on “How Do You Like to Be Touched?

  1. mamarachael

    I usually do a lot of blog reading during Doctor Destructo’s nap (he’s 15 1/2 mo). I had to work hard not to laugh too loud at that video. That was great!

    We’ve talked some about this. As Hubby declares occasionally “Women are weird”, and, luckily, it means he makes few assumptions. I think, though, that I should be more assertive about touching. I do tend to go for the shoulder rub or back scratch, when I think I know what he really wants.

  2. Anonymous

    Sigh, I’d take ANY kind of touch. Like you said before, sex isn’t everything in a marriage until you’re not getting any. How powerful is a simple touch when your skin yearns for it. To be frank I wish my husband would interrupt me.

    1. Anonymous

      I hear you! You have to ask, train, and ask some more. Then tell him, “When you come up behind me and hug me, I love it! I feel so sexy!: something like that.
      Our marriage is getting better and better, with there always being room for improvement, of course!

  3. Beth

    What a great post! I’ve been married 4 months, and I think I need to ‘teach’ hubby how to touch me. 😉 That said, I could be a bit more assertive with him…I tend to go for holding his hand or arm, and I think he would love it if I went straight for the package…I’ve had a bad past experience that will make that a bit difficult, but I love to make him happy, so I’ll try it. Thank you, J!

  4. Chrissi

    I feel SO BLESSED to have a husband that a. has most of this stuff figured out, and b. is oh-so-willing to work on areas that need improvement. This is not the first marriage for either of us, and we have both experienced some cruelty concerning our physical appearances/attributes. We are both more than happy to help each other heal with love, kindness, patience, and really hot sex. We are enjoying the closeness and bonding that is supposed to go along with our private time. It is wonderful. God is so good!

  5. ND (Naomi)

    Oi!!! Very funny, indeed! I never thought my problem was lack of touch related… but now that I think about it, it’s so true. After 14 years of marriage my husband still thinks that a flick or a “honk honk” or a tickle kind of touch (I H.A.T.E. tickling) amounts to foreplay! I’m going to have to give him a schooling!!!

  6. Anonymous

    I enjoyed this article, and fully agree that communication is important. My husband and I are lucky to have entered our marriage as such good friends for such a long time that we’ve talked about almost everything anyway, so it’s natural to do so when it comes to sex. I would add that the types of touch we each enjoy can vary a lot from day to day (especially based on where I am in my cycle, but he also fluctuates from time to time)…all the more reason to communicate! Also, amazing video: love seeing so many women laughing understandingly about sex. Especially women diverse in age and appearance (apparently not just young and limber couples have sex…wow! Who knew?).

  7. Anonymous

    This is so true…and something I realize I have been very frustrated with my husband about lately! We had some friends visit recently who were very sweet and openly affectionate with each other–not too much, but they held hands, would hug, little kisses here and there. When I tried to go in and be affectionate with my husband? He gave be the one-arm pat on the back like he would if I was his younger brother. I swear, he gives his mom better hugs than me! It was kind of funny at the time, but I realized that it is like that a lot. He only gets really touchy feely when he is grabbing “my bits” as she said! Lol…and I HATE that. I tend to get very annoyed with him when he keeps just groping at me. And I think its because that’s the only kind of touching I get from him! So I may have to have a nice little chat with him about how I am feeling…because maybe he just doesnt know 🙂 Thanks for sharing!

  8. Jenny

    Hm, I love when my husband squeezes my boobs and my bum, my hips and my legs, etc! I have a need for him to desire me sexually. I also grab his “junk” a lot too! We do a lot of other touching – he’ll tickle-scratch me all over, I’ll scratch and massage him all over, we’ll cuddle and hold hands and so on. We sleep naked every night. But I like that he can’t keep his hands off of me – why would I discourage that? I’m his wife. My body belongs to him, just as his body belongs to me! Granted, he has also taken the time over the years to learn what feels good to me, and to touch me in those special ways. I have put special effort into learning what feels good to him as well. But even though it doesn’t necessarily turn me on when he grabs my boobs or my butt, it makes me smile and makes me feel closer to him because I know he’s taking joy in my body.

  9. Anonymous

    My husband has sooooooooo greatly improved in this area. I really appreciate how when I tell him I like certain things how quickly he picks up on them now, especially when I give him auditory confirmation. I really like it when he massages the back of my head and meshes his fingers into my hair. I also really enjoy when he plays with my neck with his fingertips and when he cups my face when he kisses me. Lately, we’ve been having heavy makeout sessions that leave me so hot, I want him for sex! I really appreciate too when we take our time getting worked up instead of jumping right in all hot and passionate… it’s more like lovemaking and less like just plain sex because I know we’re both working to please each other and bring joy to one another.

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