How Kinky Can You Get?

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You want to do WHAT?!
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Today’s Q&A is a grouping of three short questions, which ultimately hit at how kinky can you get in the bedroom? Warning: This post will not be gratuitously graphic, but I will explain some possibly uncomfortable sex acts. Just so you know.

All three questions were submitted by anonymous readers. I’ll take them in turn.

1. J, do you have an advice or opinions on rim jobs? Hubby wants to give me one but I’m unsure.

In case you don’t know, readers, a “rim job” is a oral-anal sex which involves stimulating the “rim” of the partner’s anus with the mouth.

I know of no scriptural statement against this practice. However, something need not be specifically forbidden to be off-limits for a Christian. God gave us principles and common sense that we can apply. So let’s apply them.

God created sex for procreation, intimacy, and pleasure. Obviously, oral sex of any kind does not produce children. So then the question is whether it increases intimacy and pleasure. If it only produces pleasure, I’d suggest that something is missing; sex without connection is not God’s design.

So is oral-anal sex wrong? Well, it is disconcerting, mainly because of cleanliness concerns. God did not design the anal opening like the vaginal or urinary openings, which are rather clean. Instead, the rectum carries harmful bacteria which you don’t want to ingest. Therefore, anyone engaging in this practice needs to ensure that the rectum is emptied and the area is extremely clean. Moreover, you can’t switch back and forth between any form of anal sex and vaginal sex because the wife risks rectal bacteria entering the vagina and/or urethra and thus causing infection.

Then there is the question of why someone would want to engage in this practice. Is this really an erogenous zone for you? Some couples do indeed report pleasure from this act. (But I would caution that you can find couples out there who report pleasure from all kind of acts which are suspect at best.)

Before engaging in any sexual behavior that strikes me as different, I would want to know what compels this interest. Is it fueled by porn? Of course, not every sexual act shown in porn is bad; intercourse in marriage is fine and intercourse is shown in porn. But is this where the idea came from? Is it mere curiosity? What would this feel like? Would we like it? Is it a genuine desire to touch and caress different areas of your partner’s body?

I am not going to say this is wrong. I am going to say be careful. If you choose to engage in a rim job, make sure the area is very clean and that the giver doesn’t move from the anus to another easily-infected area. And recognize that you can choose. I’m opposed to any spouse demanding or forcing a sexual act on their partner. God has given us great freedom in the sexual arena, and if you are uncomfortable with a particular act (outside of biblically-commanded intercourse with your spouse), find another activity that provides you both pleasure.

2. My husband has been begging me to use a toy on him anally (like a strap on) is this wrong J? Should I do it? I mean I’m open & as weird as it sounds, it kinda sound fun but idk.

A strap-on sex toy is somewhat like a jock-strap with a “dildo” in front. In this case, the wife would put on the fake penis and enter her husband’s anus from behind.

Some of you may be asking why any man would want to do this. Is it an indication that he is gay? Anal sex is connected with gay males, but it is not limited to homosexual activity. Some straight men desire to be penetrated in this way, particularly since some have recently contended that the male G-spot is the prostate found inside the rectum toward the bladder. This claim is not conclusive, and a large number of men have no desire to have their prostate stimulated. In fact, it is this area that is touched in the notorious glove exam performed by doctors on men over 50.

So is it okay to use an anal toy on your husband?

I admit that I have concerns. First, I have all the issues about the anus’s cleanliness and lack of elasticity mentioned above. Second, this is an atypical request. It does make me wonder what appeals to the husband about this practice. Is he curious about a potential G-spot? Did he see this practice in porn (the practice of straight anal sex has increased since appearing more frequently in pornography)? Does he have any homosexual fantasies? Third, will this indeed increase your pleasure and intimacy as a couple? Fourth, what next? Would this become part of your repertoire? What if he liked it a lot? Would you want to continue to do it?

I cannot find a Bible verse that says, “Thou Shalt Not . . .” to anal penetration. It isn’t there. However, when we consider whether to add an activity to our sex lives, we can ask some questions. Also, we may find that something is not allowable, that it is allowable and beneficial, or that it is allowable but not beneficial. If it is not both allowed in marriage and benefiting your marriage, I suggest you pass. There are plenty of fabulous activities that God does desire us to partake in that will still spice up your sex lives and give you a sense of intimacy and fun.

3. You just did a lingerie post: me & hubby love heels in the bedroom any thoughts, ideas or advice.

Knock yourself out. But don’t hurt yourself. It can be really tricky removing a thong over a pair of stilettos.

I joked in my lingerie post about going too far with a Catwoman costume or a schoolgirl look, but I really think you can be pretty playful here. I agree with Julie Sibert of Intimacy in Marriage who has said that you can dress up in the bedroom as long as you are still you. No pretending to be someone who isn’t there. Marital intimacy is supposed to be about connecting the real you and your real spouse. But if you it’s fun for you to put on a pair of sexy heels or for your guy to wear his cowboy boots while making love, I don’t see any issue with it.

Now if your hubby is in the stilettos . . .

Never mind.

I hope my answers here help. Blessing to all of you!

24 thoughts on “How Kinky Can You Get?

  1. Brandon

    Thank you for a good treatment of the questions, especially the first two. When I get faced with questions like this (I’m a family pastor, so it happens once in a while), the first question that always springs to my lips is, “Where did this idea come from?” I just don’t think that a godly couple who only wants to deepen intimacy comes up with ideas like that on their own. Now, I’ll concede I may just be reflecting my own bias, as there is not a single part of me that finds anal play attractive. But that’s just the point – what makes it attractive? That’s not saying it’s necessarily wrong, but it is saying that we don’t usually view the anus as a sexual part of the body without someone suggesting to us that it might be. After all, among his plant and animal creations, God made it so that foul smells act as a warning, “You might not want to go there.” I think that should give all couples caution, and make them ask the question, “If I hadn’t been told about this/seen it in a porn movie, would I want to do it?”

    1. J

      No, not really. But some women do feel like it’s a little “out there.” I grouped these questions, gave them a title, and there you go.

  2. John Wilder

    You need to be VERY CAREFUL suggesting to people to add their own view of morality to the Bible. There are numerous citations in the Bible from the Old Testament to the New Testament NOT TO ADD TO OR TAKE AWAY FROM THE WORD!

    Sin came into the world by way of a rebellious woman whom Satan tempted to think for herself instead of just following God’s commands. This is the nuclear weapon against Christians, using their own mind instead of researching what the Bible says.

    The Bible is VERY EXPLICIT in what is and what is not sexual sin. Anal sex is only forbidden to gay men and not to heterosexual couples.

    A rim job is highly pleaqurable and anal sex when done properly is also very pleasurable for both the husband and the wife. Hebrews 13:4 is the guiding principle here where it says that the marriage bed is undefiled in all, meaning as long as you are married there is no sexual sin between the two of you. It also releases us from ceremonial law and ceremonial sins. For example, it says that if you have sex with your partner before going to church, you had to wash three times as well as your sheets 3 times before you go to church in the OT.

    Specifically what the Bible defines as sexual sin are the following:
    Adultery, sex with prositutes, incest, sex with animals for both men and women, homosexuality, promiscuity, note here that masturbation is also not listed as a sexual sin and if God told us not to have sex with animals don’t you think that He would have forbidden masturbation if it were a sin, just as He did not forbid anal sex between husband and wife, only for gays.

    I am publishing a book on these subjects in January.
    I am a former Baptist minister and now a marriage, relationship and sexual coach

    1. J

      John,

      I am NOT adding to or taking away from the Word. I talked about biblical principles. Surely, the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23) and love and respect in marriage (Ephesians 5:33) can be used to determine what is not only permissible but beneficial (1 Corinthians 6:12).

      So since I can’t find a specific scripture banning the practice of erotic asphyxiation, it’s okay? Surely not! There is nothing loving and respectful about that.

      I have also addressed Hebrews 13:4 in particular with you. That one verse does not give a spouse license to do anything and everything in marriage that they happen to find pleasurable. Moreover, your interpretation does not agree with any I have seen from biblical scholars or my own exegesis of the passage.

      Clearly, I do not agree with your approach, since I believe that God allows us to apply specific commands, biblical principles, and common sense to daily decisions that we make. We will have to agree to disagree.

    2. Kitty

      There are reasons why many doctors caution women in particular (because their anuses are smaller) not to practise anal sex. In addition to the usual pain and infection risk, hands up who fancies a dose of the following: anal tears (leading to risk of abscess and serious infection from faeces entering the wound), anal fissures (potentially requiring surgery), haemorrhoids, damage to rectal tissues (which are less likely to heal due to the non-kerotinized nature of internal tissue), weakening of the anal sphincter leading to faecal incontinence… Need I go on? If you care about your partner at all, why would you dream of putting them at risk of these horrible injuries? I trust, John, that you will be including this information in your book – unless, of course, you have no concern for the health and wellbeing of your readers. And since you don’t sound medically qualified to hand out such advice, you might want to line up a media lawyer, just in case.

    3. Brandon

      John said: “Hebrews 13:4 is the guiding principle here where it says that the marriage bed is undefiled in all, meaning as long as you are married there is no sexual sin between the two of you.”

      John, quite frankly, this doesn’t make sense, and is poor hermeneutics (not to mention, I believe, poor exegesis). By your interpretation here, a husband who has sex with his wife without her consent would not be sinning. A husband who treats his wife roughly, unlovingly, and harms her in the process would not be sinning. A couple who fantasizes that they are completely different people engaging in elicit sex outside of marriage would not be sinning. But in the wider scope of Scripture, with God’s call to holiness and his design for marriage being about intimacy and deep love, how can you defend any of those activities?

      I want to urge you to be very cautious here, John. You risk doing terrible damage to souls if you are guiding them to have an “anything goes” attitude as long as they’re married. Handing people an excuse to sin is a serious matter.

    4. Anonymous

      @Kitty,

      Been to his site and read some of his writings and advice. My opinion, he writes a pretty direct (crass) blog which makes be wonder where his degree came from. You are right about his need to put a media lawyer on retainer I think. I noticed he did postgraduate studies but did not mention it resulting in a degree. I just didn’t perceive much balance in his writings. Dave 2.

    5. J

      Oh no! Should I be giving my credentials?!! I have some, but I figure that people will decide for themselves whether I seem to know what I’m talking about. Thanks, Dave!

  3. Anonymous

    I read from other Christians that AS is ok and then I read about all the preparation and the possible pain and the need to accomodate and lubricate far more than what is normal for vaginal penetration and I’m like…okaaayyyy….that just totally sounds like trying to put a square peg in a round hole…not supposed to happen!

  4. Kristi

    I agree with J that these things should be determined by the husband and wife involved. Since the Bible doesn’t explicitly state that anal sex is wrong between a man and a wife, then I can only conclude that He allows us the choice. But… 🙂

    But, I think the true question, as J said, is where is the motivation for such desires? Where did the motivation to try this kind of pleasure come from? Do these desires stem from the heart or from a desire that stems from something that is ungodly? Frankly, I can’t imagine my husband asking me to penetrate him with a piece of plastic and then trying to convince me that it’s for us or for our sexual intimacy. He has an outie and I have an innie by God’s design. Sex that is ordained by God stems from Love and intimacy for the husband and wife. It is about a physical reflection of your emotional connection, trust and love. No strap on plastic penis has ever said, “I love you, trust you and want you”, in my world.

    I’d like to add that I’m sure my opinion doesn’t cover everyone and I do believe that everyone’s bedroom is their own with NO judgement, if their hearts are true. Do I think that some couples could participate in any of these things and still be within the bounds of marital sex? Sure. I just thinks it should be prayed about carefully and with BOTH spouses full consent, trust and willingness to say NO if it’s not working for them.

    As a side note: We LOVE lingerie and have great fun with it. However, neither of us feel the need to play with it often. It’s just a fun side thing that we surprise one another with if the occasion fits. I think kinky is fine, but I think there’s a line that goes from kinky to unhealthy pretty quickly. Sex is a great tool of Satan because it is so pleasurable and us humans are essentially hedonistic creatures. It behooves all married couples to be diligent in determining what is fun, kinky and playful as opposed to what could quickly become perverted and dangerous territory.

    Good stuff, J. You seriously rock, girl.

    1. Anonymous

      I agree totally here. Why not instead of searching popular opinion or even good sources, you talk to your spouse if they are ok with the act search the scriptures, if it’s ok with the act, pray & let the Holy Spirit lead you, this process will take a couple of days but once you get those 3 ok’s who gives a hoot what others think just enjoy.

  5. Anonymous

    Thanks so much for answering these questions. I hadn’t heard of the 1st. I knew what I thought about the 2nd, and I pretty much agree with you completely (good job at really tying it back to the Word!), and #3 sounds like me and my husband. 🙂

    I didn’t see an email for you, but I do have a question. For my husband and I, we have an interesting situation. My husband struggled with porn growing up and so learned to look at sex in a negative light. We are struggling with learning how to overcome that. Because he saw it as bad, he has a hard time now flirting, saying sexual things to each other in person or by text, and even being very comfortable with my body. Do you have any recommendations for me as a wife, how to serve him best and help him become comfortable and see sex as a beautiful thing by God in marriage. To understand playful talk in marriage isn’t vulgar? I’m very playful and open like this with him and it’s tough when he’s completely shut off to it because he still (after 2.5 years of marriage) struggles with views of thinking it is wrong.

    1. Anonymous

      Sounds like my husband and I. I was raised with what I think is a healthy view of sex, totally awesome and amazing and desirable, but absolutely only within marriage between one man and one woman.

      My hubby came from a Christian home but they did not talk about sex at all, then his parents divorced and he wound up in public school at 12 years old and had been homeschooled up to that point. In high school he had a time of porn use. He put it behind him, and had been “clean” for about a year and a half when we met.

      We were each other’s only relationship and first for every thing. Our first kiss was that the altar.

      We seriously just came to a new place of him being able to put that behind him and enjoy sex, and sexual talk with me 4.5 years in our marriage. We have three kids under the age of four, it isn’t like we weren’t having sex, but he wasn’t free to enjoy it much, and he always was frustrated because it seemed I was the higher drive spouse because I wanted it all the time. He was frustrated that it seemed I enjoyed sex more than he did, which didn’t help his manly confidence. I had no idea this was how he was feeling until just about 6 months ago. Obviously I knew things were difficult but he hadn’t been able to articulate it until very recently.

      I share all this to encourage you to hang in there, be very patient with him, give him time, lots of it. Be gentle in your encouragement of his accepting sex as a good thing. Like I said, we have just turned a corner where my husband just the other day told me he feels he is healing from his porn use and being able to finally exchange pictures of me in his brain for the other crap that was there before. For the first time in almost five years of marriage he is seeking me out, being playful, flirting and grabbing at me like what I read is more the “normal man” He was never that way before.

      Porn scars are not easily overcome, but they can heal. Don’t bring it up, cry out to God when you feel alone, ignored and not enough for your husband(yes I struggled with all these thing) Take courage, if he is like my husband you are half way there(timewise)
      I am sorry, I know it is hard, I will be praying for you.

    1. J

      This saddens me. I don’t know why you’re leaving, but I respect your decision. I hope that this blog has blessed you in some way. My prayers for a wonderful, godly marriage go with you.

    2. Anonymous

      @Post-it Note,

      The fact that someone asked those questions on this blog is evidence that people are curious about sexual expressiveness within their marriage. The topics may have been distasteful too you, but J was right in addressing them. That is the mission of her blog. It is apparent she researched the topics and her response with the information given was accurate, even if she didn’t personally find the topics her sexual cup of tea. Sometims we can’t just stick our collective fingers in our ears and hum hoping the question or questioner will go away. No answer can do more damage than and edifying one. Dave 2

    3. J

      Thanks, Dave. Of course I respect the decision of people to choose where they want to spend their blog-reading time. I don’t know Post-It’s reason for leaving; it may not be as you assume. However, I will continue to address all kinds of sexuality issues here because my stated mission is to provide a place where people can discuss biblically and bluntly what God’s Word has to say about this topic.

  6. Anonymous

    As a critical care nurse, I would caution anyone regarding anal sex. You did a great job siting those concerns. I have seen terrible infections related to cross-contimation from anus to oral areas. Including a “dental” infection that resulted in months in ICU, on a vent, trach, etc… and still more than 2 years later…. trying to recover. No possible pleasure that could be derived from the act (and I personally can’t imagine pleasure from that) could be worth the possible consequences. That is speaking strictly from a health perspective not spiritual one. Although, the Bible does say our bodies are God’s temple and to treat it as such. Thank you for such an objective, thoughtful response on the subject.

  7. Anonymous

    What are your thoughts on “queening”? That’s when a wife sits on her husbands face (carefully, of course, so as not to smother him LOL). I suppose it’s a fancier form of oral sex. Should Christian couples engage in this act? Are there any concerns?

    1. J

      As it often is with a particular sexual practice, there is a wide range of behavior even with “queening,” or “facesitting.” The practice is often associated with BDSM, which I generally think does not show respect for you partner or honor for God in the sexual marital relationship.

      However, I don’t see anything wrong with putting yourself in a good position for access with cunnilingus (oral sex to the wife). And here I go being VERY direct: Spreading eagle over your husband’s face certainly provides him a close view and access to your genitalia.

      As far as concerns for Christians, I’d suggest not pairing it with questionable BDSM acts (such as equipment for queening that is restrictive) and being careful to make sure it’s what you both want and that he can adequately breathe. Sexual acts in marriage should be mutually agreed upon, not cause injury (physical or emotional) to the other, and increase trust and intimacy. I hope that helps!

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