A Wife’s Insecurities, A Husband’s Response

Justin

I’m thrilled to welcome another male marriage blogger to my site. Justin is the husband-half of the Do Not Disturb blog. I love how he and Megan address biblical aspects of sexuality and God’s blessing of intimacy for marriage. If you haven’t been over to their blog, check it out.

Without further ado, here’s Justin!

When J wrote and asked me what husbands would like wives to know about sexuality in marriage, the first thing that came to mind was . . .

Insecurities.

My guess is, just about every woman on the planet wrestles through insecurities at some level. When not dealt with, these insecurities have the ability to cause tremendous emotional pain. They cause doubts. Frustration. Self-pity. They may even cause financial ruin by trying to ‘cover them up.’ Give an insecurity time to root itself deep enough, and it has the potential to cause a great deal of harm within a marriage relationship.

What is it your husband wants you, his bride, to know? He wants you to know you don’t need to be insecure. He wants you to believe him when he tells you you’re beautiful. Most specifically, he wants you to know that even if he doesn’t always communicate it well, he loves everything about you!

While there may be dozens of insecurities women experience throughout their lifetime, my experience in marriage has led me to believe that there are three specific areas in which women struggle the most.

1)       Insecurities about personality

In my own marriage, I’ve discovered that women are . . . how do I say this nicely . . . emotional beings. By that, I mean women have different sensitivities than men. I distinctly remember an evening years ago where Megan came to me sometime after dinner and said, “I’m going to go into our room and cry for a while.”

“Have I done anything wrong?”
“No, no, I just need to cry.”
“Has anybody else hurt you in some way?”
“No. I just need some time alone. Some time to cry.”

I was confused. Maybe even a little distressed. It didn’t make any sense, whatsoever. Ten minutes later, I walked in to check on her. She asked for a few more minutes to be by herself. Suddenly, just like that, she was finished and back to ‘normal.’

This situation isn’t typical in our household. It only happened one time in twelve years. But that situation, as well as others, has shown me that women express their emotions much differently than men. When experiencing those moments, you may ask yourself questions such as:

“Does my husband really love me for who I am?”
“Can he really stand to be with me?”
“What in the world does he find attractive about me? I’m a mess!”

Well, your husband wants you to know that yes, he truly loves you despite how you feel about your personality. He may not always understand your emotions. He may not know how to respond or communicate in every situation. But he completely loves and accepts you for who you are. You can be the person God created you to be. Be yourself, and don’t second-guess your husband’s love.

Another area of insecurities women struggle with are . . .

2)     Insecurities about appearance

Make up. Diet. Exercise. Hair Color. Smooth legs. Maybe even Botox. And the ultimate clothing question: “Does this outfit make me look fat?”

You care a great deal about your appearance. And as you get a little bit older, you find that no matter how hard you exercise or how well you diet, some lines, wrinkles and other areas of personal image just don’t look the way they used to. You begin to wonder if your husband truly finds you beautiful. You see other women and think to yourself:

“I wish I could be as beautiful as her, she’s gorgeous.”
“Maybe this new make-up will help me look and feel young again.”
“No chance I’m ever wearing that outfit again. It definitely makes me look fat.”

If your husband could put it to words, he would respond to each of these statements by saying:

“You’ve grown more beautiful the longer we’ve been together.”
“Some of my favorite moments with you are when you’re not wearing any make-up.”
“I don’t care what you wear. I just like looking at and being with you.”

In short, your husband wishes to tell you that you don’t need to question your appearance. You don’t need to doubt your beauty. You don’t need to compare yourself to others. He loves you and he doesn’t ever want you to be insecure about how you look. Even more than this, your husband desires you to rid yourself of any . . .

3)     Insecurities about sex

Remember your first sexual experience with your husband? My guess is you were a bit anxious. Maybe even terrified. You were completely naked, 100% vulnerable for the very first time. You were going to avail everything about your body to him.

Due to some insecurities about your body and how well you may ‘perform,’ you may have asked for some ground rules. You wanted the lights out, or at least very dim. You didn’t want to be too adventurous, because you didn’t want him to truly ‘see’ everything.

In time, he grew in his desire to know you even more intimately. He wasn’t afraid to have more light. He wasn’t afraid to shed the covers and see all of you. He may have grown in his desire to see (maybe even taste!) your body in the most intimate ways. Suddenly, you’re left having to make a decision:

“Am I really ready to avail all of myself?”
“Am I ready to trust that I am not just pleasing my husband, but that I myself am pleasing to him?”
“Am I really ready to be fully known in this way?”

For those who don’t know me, the tagline on our blog is, “Freedom may be found behind closed doors.” Think about that for just a minute. Freedom-may-be-found-behind-closed-doors.

Are there any insecurities, any at all that are preventing you from full freedom in the bedroom?

If so, it’s your husband’s desire that you let them go. He wants to be free to love and embrace and know you in the deepest possible way between two human beings. And even though he may not say it, he wants to be loved, embraced and known in the deepest possible way as well.

It’s difficult to fully let-go of all insecurities. I know it is. But when you throw off any insecurities you have about how well you may ‘perform’ and just take the opportunity to know him and let yourself be fully known, the result is something no sex blog, book, or counselor can describe in words. It’s more than pleasure. More than orgasm. It’s intimacy in its purest form. It’s the closest thing to relational perfection you’ll ever experience this side of heaven.

This week, make the decision to let-go of any insecurities you may have. Trust that your husband loves you and your personality. Trust that he finds you breathtakingly beautiful. Trust that he wants to know and experience sheer intimacy with you. As a result, take the opportunity this week to know him and to be fully known.

Be friends.
Be fun.
Be aroused.
Be spontaneous.
Be secure.
Be hot.
Be holy.
Be humorous.
Be intimate.
Be free.

Do Not Disturb logo

Justin and his wife Megan write about marriage and intimacy over at Do Not Disturb. Outside of writing, Justin co-pastors a growing church in North-Central West Virginia. His doctor tells him not to eat cheese, chocolate, sugar, or anything else that tastes good. But he’s still allowed to drink coffee. And that’s wonderful.

My heartfelt thanks to Justin for speaking to wives today!

16 thoughts on “A Wife’s Insecurities, A Husband’s Response

  1. workinprogress

    As I’ve been going about my morning pondering this post, I’ve been thinking about how this is how Christ loves us. HE loves us just as we are. HE doesn’t see our faults and failures. We are beautiful and faultless in HIS sight. Now, while my husband doesn’t do this perfectly (he has been known to get annoyed with me at times, he really does love me unconditionally and sees me as beautiful and desirable. He doesn’t keep a list of my physical imperfections and personality quirks. Aren’t we blessed, dear ladies, that God has given our husbands the capacity to love us like this? To see our beauty and desire to have us just as we are? To see us as worthy of their love? When I think of how my husband loves me so unconditionally, it humbles me and spurs me to want to love him in the same way. I need to receive this love and not reject it or shy away from it. I need to see myself as he sees me. I need to allow him to demonstrate this love toward me… and return the demonstration of love. The more ponder these things, the more I really do see lovemaking as a picture of our worship of God.

  2. Anonymous

    My husband and I have a great relationship. We are each others’ best friends and really enjoy being around each other. But one thing he cannot answer is why, if he finds me so beautiful, doesn’t he SAY it? He used to! When we were dating and in the first 5-7 years of our marriage he said it all the time, so it’s not like he’s incapable of saying it. All I’m left with is maybe after 16 years of marriage and seven kids he really doesn’t find me all that beautiful anymore. I mean, things are not in the same places on my body as they used to be, but I’m no troll. I’m actually rather young looking and cute (I hate saying that), but I don’t feel like it because even though I’ve asked him why he stopped saying it, he had no good reason and has not restarted. I thought maybe asking another man would give me some insight.

    1. Justin @ DoNotDisturb

      Hmmmmm…a very good question, Anonymous.

      I will say it’s difficult to give this type of question a proper response via the comments, as I don’t know your (and your husband’s) personality well. That said, I’ll take a shot.

      Some things to consider are:
      Instead of asking him why he doesn’t say it, have you directly told him you *need* him to say it? If you have and he’s not serving you in that way, then you may want to consider the next question:

      Is it possible your husband has an emotional need that’s not being met that he makes him more reserved than he used to be? Oftentimes, it’s quite difficult for us men to say exactly what we’re *feeling* at any given time, but when I’m able to tell Megan exactly what she can do for me – exactly how she can better uphold my love language – things are often better for us. Not only that, but it’s a lot more natural for me to meet her needs as well.

      Also, always consider how you’re asking the question. Sometimes it’s much better to ask a question differently, but still do so in a way that will help get the answer you’re looking for. For example, consider asking your husband, “What are 3 things about me you find beautiful?” Or maybe, “What gets you most excited when we’re in bed together.” Men are generally more visually drawn than anything, so he may say it’s a certain position or even your silhouette on the wall. Even if it’s not visual, it could be a certain scent or something else. Whatever it may be, it will be something he loves specifically about YOU, and it’s something he finds remarkably beautiful! And if your hubby truly is your best friend, trust me, he finds you beautiful.

    2. Anonymous

      Justin I appreciate your response. I do pay a lot of attention to his acts of service love language (he likes a clean house. With seven kids I do a lot of cleaning to help my hubby feel loved and respected). But you have some other points about how to approach the subject with him for me to consider. Thank you!

  3. Anonymous

    “In short, your husband wishes to tell you that you don’t need to question your appearance. You don’t need to doubt your beauty. You don’t need to compare yourself to others. He loves you and he doesn’t ever want you to be insecure about how you look. Even more than this, your husband desires you to rid yourself of any…”

    Really? REally??? So, what encouragment can i take from this when my husband has told me, “Oh yea, I think you are attractive, but i don’t think many people would agree with me.” Or, pointing out the attractiveness/beauty in other women who are the exact opposite of me.

    The only comfort that i take is knowing that God has made fearfully and wonderfully and He thinks I’m beautiful. But for me, and for more women out there, i think the answer lies in not looking to your husband for affirmation of your beauty….they are men, human, and wanting to look at exciting/new/younger/blonder/whatever and not the same old, same old, boring wife.

    1. Anonymous

      Just wanted to say that my husband saw his parents relationship fall apart because of lack of caring love and criticism. He has always considered complimenting me one of his duties, but genuinely. God used his persistance to heal my insecurity. It seems there are many gruff men who do not understand to be careful with comparison, and I think they could use a man to teach them valuable relationship skills. Many men do forget that we take the things they say very seriously and personally. I like the artle on to love honor and vacuum about thing sheila would tell men if she could…

  4. Justin @ DoNotDisturb

    Hi Anonymous,

    As I wrote this post, my greatest concern was that somebody would write, “That’s great and all, but apparently you don’t know MY husband very well.” Therefore, I somewhat anticipated this. Truth is, it’s impossible to cover “all” men in one post.

    That said, I remember reading Sheet Music by Kevin Leman a couple of years ago. In his Q & A, he included a situation about how a wife should respond to a husband who doesn’t help with the house, kids, or anything else in marriage, but expects her to be ready for sex whenever *he* feels like it. Dr. Leman’s response was something like this: “There’s a clinical diagnosis for people like your husband…he’s an idiot.”

    Now, I’m certainly not one to say your husband is an idiot. However, if your husband is saying, “Yea, I think you’re attractive, but I don’t think others would agree with me” or he’s pointing out other more attractive women, he’s got some very serious problems. He’s living very, very, very far from an Ephesians 5 view of marriage where a husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church.

    I take great comfort in reading that you know God has made you fearfully and wonderfully made. That shows that your marriage is at the very least firing on 50% of it’s cylinders…which quite honestly is much higher than many marriages! But your husband needs to do his part, too. Therefore, I would recommend some good Christian marriage mentoring or counseling in your situation. Spending time with others who have a high value of a “one flesh” view of marriage will reap dividends for you both in the long haul.

    1. Anonymous

      Thank you for responding! I ended up reading this to DH last night, and it sparked a *long* night of tense conversation. This morning, though, he told me he was willing to go to counselling. The problem is there really are no Christian counselors in our area….there is a recommended one, but they are 1.5 hours away (we live in rural New England) and with 2 small children, driving that far is not feasible. Do you have any resources for online Christian marriage counselling that come with a high recommendation? Again, thank you for taking the time to respond!

    2. Justin@DoNotDisturbBlog

      Hi again,

      It’s great that you’re having that conversation. And don’t worry, even Megan and I have the occasional ‘tense’ conversation. 🙂

      When it comes to marriage counseling, there are a few different options I can present. These are in no particular order, so it’s best that you and your DH decide what would be best for you all. Some suggestions would include:

      1) Weekend to Remember – If you could find a way to make it to a Weekend to Remember conference sometime, it would be great for you. I know some couples who say this weekend saved their marriage. You have to get child care, travel, etc…but it’s worth it! http://www.familylife.com/events/featured-events/weekend-to-remember

      2) Local pastor – You probably have a local pastor who can walk through some good counseling with you. Just be sure to find one with a good, strong marriage (as we have 3 divorced pastors in my home town!)

      3) A long-married couple. If you know anybody who has been married for a long time (20-30 years+) you could meet with them once every couple of weeks. Chances are, they’ve been there and done that. Simply asking one good question every meeting could go a long way. Questions could be anything like: 1. What is the greatest lesson you’ve learned in marriage? 2. What kind of ‘work’ do you put into your marriage to keep it strong? 3. How did you make time to focus on you and not just the kids? etc. Simply give them the opportunity to mentor you and learn from their experience.

      4) We have a study on Timothy Keller’s book, “The Meaning of Marriage” posted on our blog. Buy the book (it’s fantastic) and read it along with the study. Discussing some of those questions with your spouse will make for good conversation.

      5) Mark Gungor is another marriage speaker but he has some good resources on his website that are probably worth checking out: http://markgungor.com/

      6) Listen to some marriage podcasts/messages or read some marriag books and just discuss them together. Outside of Tim Keller’s book, we could recommend Intimacy Ignited – a study on the Song of Songs, as well as Intimate Issues (for women). Just discussing these things together will reap dividends as well.

      I sure hope this helps in some way! 🙂

    3. Anonymous

      Awesome List! Thank you for it, and we will thoughtfully/prayerfully go through each suggestion. THANK YOU!

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