I’m thrilled to welcome another male marriage blogger to my site. Justin is the husband-half of the Do Not Disturb blog. I love how he and Megan address biblical aspects of sexuality and God’s blessing of intimacy for marriage. If you haven’t been over to their blog, check it out.
Without further ado, here’s Justin!
When J wrote and asked me what husbands would like wives to know about sexuality in marriage, the first thing that came to mind was . . .
My guess is, just about every woman on the planet wrestles through insecurities at some level. When not dealt with, these insecurities have the ability to cause tremendous emotional pain. They cause doubts. Frustration. Self-pity. They may even cause financial ruin by trying to ‘cover them up.’ Give an insecurity time to root itself deep enough, and it has the potential to cause a great deal of harm within a marriage relationship.
What is it your husband wants you, his bride, to know? He wants you to know you don’t need to be insecure. He wants you to believe him when he tells you you’re beautiful. Most specifically, he wants you to know that even if he doesn’t always communicate it well, he loves everything about you!
While there may be dozens of insecurities women experience throughout their lifetime, my experience in marriage has led me to believe that there are three specific areas in which women struggle the most.
1) Insecurities about personality
In my own marriage, I’ve discovered that women are . . . how do I say this nicely . . . emotional beings. By that, I mean women have different sensitivities than men. I distinctly remember an evening years ago where Megan came to me sometime after dinner and said, “I’m going to go into our room and cry for a while.”
“Have I done anything wrong?”
“No, no, I just need to cry.”
“Has anybody else hurt you in some way?”
“No. I just need some time alone. Some time to cry.”
I was confused. Maybe even a little distressed. It didn’t make any sense, whatsoever. Ten minutes later, I walked in to check on her. She asked for a few more minutes to be by herself. Suddenly, just like that, she was finished and back to ‘normal.’
This situation isn’t typical in our household. It only happened one time in twelve years. But that situation, as well as others, has shown me that women express their emotions much differently than men. When experiencing those moments, you may ask yourself questions such as:
“Does my husband really love me for who I am?”
“Can he really stand to be with me?”
“What in the world does he find attractive about me? I’m a mess!”
Well, your husband wants you to know that yes, he truly loves you despite how you feel about your personality. He may not always understand your emotions. He may not know how to respond or communicate in every situation. But he completely loves and accepts you for who you are. You can be the person God created you to be. Be yourself, and don’t second-guess your husband’s love.
Another area of insecurities women struggle with are . . .
2) Insecurities about appearance
Make up. Diet. Exercise. Hair Color. Smooth legs. Maybe even Botox. And the ultimate clothing question: “Does this outfit make me look fat?”
You care a great deal about your appearance. And as you get a little bit older, you find that no matter how hard you exercise or how well you diet, some lines, wrinkles and other areas of personal image just don’t look the way they used to. You begin to wonder if your husband truly finds you beautiful. You see other women and think to yourself:
“I wish I could be as beautiful as her, she’s gorgeous.”
“Maybe this new make-up will help me look and feel young again.”
“No chance I’m ever wearing that outfit again. It definitely makes me look fat.”
If your husband could put it to words, he would respond to each of these statements by saying:
“You’ve grown more beautiful the longer we’ve been together.”
“Some of my favorite moments with you are when you’re not wearing any make-up.”
“I don’t care what you wear. I just like looking at and being with you.”
In short, your husband wishes to tell you that you don’t need to question your appearance. You don’t need to doubt your beauty. You don’t need to compare yourself to others. He loves you and he doesn’t ever want you to be insecure about how you look. Even more than this, your husband desires you to rid yourself of any . . .
3) Insecurities about sex
Remember your first sexual experience with your husband? My guess is you were a bit anxious. Maybe even terrified. You were completely naked, 100% vulnerable for the very first time. You were going to avail everything about your body to him.
Due to some insecurities about your body and how well you may ‘perform,’ you may have asked for some ground rules. You wanted the lights out, or at least very dim. You didn’t want to be too adventurous, because you didn’t want him to truly ‘see’ everything.
In time, he grew in his desire to know you even more intimately. He wasn’t afraid to have more light. He wasn’t afraid to shed the covers and see all of you. He may have grown in his desire to see (maybe even taste!) your body in the most intimate ways. Suddenly, you’re left having to make a decision:
“Am I really ready to avail all of myself?”
“Am I ready to trust that I am not just pleasing my husband, but that I myself am pleasing to him?”
“Am I really ready to be fully known in this way?”
For those who don’t know me, the tagline on our blog is, “Freedom may be found behind closed doors.” Think about that for just a minute. Freedom-may-be-found-behind-closed-doors.
Are there any insecurities, any at all that are preventing you from full freedom in the bedroom?
If so, it’s your husband’s desire that you let them go. He wants to be free to love and embrace and know you in the deepest possible way between two human beings. And even though he may not say it, he wants to be loved, embraced and known in the deepest possible way as well.
It’s difficult to fully let-go of all insecurities. I know it is. But when you throw off any insecurities you have about how well you may ‘perform’ and just take the opportunity to know him and let yourself be fully known, the result is something no sex blog, book, or counselor can describe in words. It’s more than pleasure. More than orgasm. It’s intimacy in its purest form. It’s the closest thing to relational perfection you’ll ever experience this side of heaven.
This week, make the decision to let-go of any insecurities you may have. Trust that your husband loves you and your personality. Trust that he finds you breathtakingly beautiful. Trust that he wants to know and experience sheer intimacy with you. As a result, take the opportunity this week to know him and to be fully known.
Justin and his wife Megan write about marriage and intimacy over at Do Not Disturb. Outside of writing, Justin co-pastors a growing church in North-Central West Virginia. His doctor tells him not to eat cheese, chocolate, sugar, or anything else that tastes good. But he’s still allowed to drink coffee. And that’s wonderful.
My heartfelt thanks to Justin for speaking to wives today!