Wives, Should You Initiate Sex?

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Two blog posts sometime ago brought this subject to my mind. Mission: Wife shared the results of a sexual satisfaction survey, specifically the replies to the question “If you could get across one thing to your wife about sex, and know that you could say it in a way she would totally understand it, what would it be?” The word “initiate” showed up 10 times in the husbands’ responses. Then Sex Within Marriage had a post on whether husbands really want their wives to take the lead in sex.

Should we wives indeed initiate sex more (or rather any, if you’re not doing so now)?

I considered my own marriage specifically because my husband and I each initiate about half the time. He used to initiate more than I did, but my confidence and higher drive (with the kids a bit older and less physically demanding now) tipped the scale back a little.

However, I wonder whether husbands really want us wives to be sexually aggressive or simply more receptive to their lead. Do they desire us to knock on that door, or simply leave a key for them to know they can come in when they want? Is it best to initiate or flirt with your husband to have sex?

So I asked. I posted the following on Twitter and Facebook:

HUSBANDS: Please answer this question: Do you prefer your wife to initiate sex or just to be enthusiastic when you initiate?

Here are some of the answers I got:

YES and YES does it really have to be an either/or question? 🙂

I like it when she initiates and I wouldn’t want to say that I prefer her to do so. We should pursue each other sexually and not have only one initiating. I know that I jump for joy when she initiates and it makes me feel great if I see and feel her enthusiasm when I initiate. It makes us both feel loved when the other is just as excited about making love, whoever started it.

I agree with [1st answer]. I love it to be initiated. Lets me know she needs me as much as I need her. But, if I do initiate and it’s enthusiastically received, it’s a real turn on! Makes we want to do more. Doesn’t have to be that way every time, just like I do not have to be Mr. Romance novel every time.

I guess if I had to have a preference, I would say that I would prefer that she would be enthusiastic (not fake) rather than her initiating. Just knowing that she is really interested sends me over the top!

I asked my hubby . . . he said “Both!” 🙂:-) He has no preference . . . he loves when I initiate and when I enthusiastically respond. What he prefers at a certain time depends on his mood.

I’d prefer some initiation.

Both. What’s not to like?

Do I have to choose? Both are great. when I suggest it there is always a chance of a negative response but if she asks . . .

I think every marriage is different in that regard, but across the board, I would say both, just depends on the situation.

A happy & healthy blending of the two.

either, anything, something!

What struck me about these answers is the reciprocity of sexual enthusiasm these husbands desire. They want to know that their wives desire them sexually. This is something my own husband mentioned in Monday’s post.

In truth, we wives want to feel desired as well. Some wives don’t always understand it in sexual terms, but being pursued and focused on is a demonstration of love. When one of you in the marriage is always the one to initiate sex, it can feel like your spouse doesn’t care . . . not just about desiring sex, but about desiring you.

Of course, this isn’t a scientific study. But I was a little surprised by how open men were to experiencing both being the lead and being the follower to the marriage bed.

The one comment that intimated it would be better for the wife to initiate was “when I suggest it there is always a chance of a negative response but if she asks . . .” This plays into my post about being your husband’s “sure thing.”

Of course, some of you higher-drive wives would like to know that your husband is your “sure thing” and desire that he initiate sex more often!

The point here is that reciprocity matters. Can you imagine a friendship in which one of you was always the one to initiate contact or conversation? Would you feel valued if you always had to be the one to set up the lunches or tennis dates or girls’ weekends or whatever? What if you stopped pursuing that friendship and chose to wait on the other person? If that person never initiated, your friendship would likely fade into oblivion.

You certainly don’t want that to happen to your marital intimacy.

I don’t think it has to be a 50/50 proposition. One of you (in friendship or in marriage) may be the natural starter, the go-getter in personality or desire to stay in touch. The other may be happy to engage but more comfortable in a receptive role. That’s okay. But sometimes it’s worth shaking that up. Sometimes, the non-starter should initiate and let his/her spouse know that the desire is mutual.

What do you think? Should wives (or lower-libido hubbies) initiate? What do you prefer in your own marriage?

47 thoughts on “Wives, Should You Initiate Sex?

  1. Anonymous

    My husband rarely initiates but when he does I am ALWAYS his sure thing. The fact that he rarely initiates (not sure if it low T or what)causes me great anxiety and makes me feel so undesirable that I am afraid to initiate myself. I have always been an enthusiastic partner and I am not sure in the 20 years of our marriage if I have ever turned him down. We have talked about low T but he does not seem interested in taking care of this. I just feel unloved, undesired and unwanted most of the time and when I am in the mood I struggle in bed ,in my mind, with a real fear that he will reject me if I initiate so I often don’t go through with my thoughts. It is a vicious circle I am on. We are on. It never changes even after we talk about it. I am beyond frustrated and do not know what to do. I love my husband and find him extremely attractive and desire him but his lack of interest in sex makes me less secure. When we have sex it is almost always good sex and loving sex and he is very caring during sex. I just don’t get it.

    1. happywife

      Does he say that he doesn’t actually want to have sex very often? Has he been in a pattern of turning you down, or have you even ever initiated? Is he willing to commit to not rejecting you if you let him know you’re wanting sex? I’m wondering if you need to push through your fear of rejection and start initiating sex when you’re wanting it (perhaps with a bit of forewarning for him… rather than just jumping him as he’s rolling over to go to sleep) For instance, early in the evening say “Hon, it would really mean alot to me if we could plan to make love tonight” That way, if he’s going to turn you down, it’s not after you’ve stripped naked and started kissing him, and it gives him a chance to mentally prepare himself to meet your needs.

    2. Anonymous

      he has turned me down a couple of times. In a joking manner and then just says he was joking. but the damage is done. If sex with women begins in the head and you have this fear of being undesirable or of being rejected then….. I am sure he would commit to not rejecting me but I want him to want me. There is a difference.

    3. happywife

      You know, my husband has done the same thing…jokingly turned me down or said something like “what are all the candles for?” It hurts and leaves me feeling foolish. I finally was able to express to him how that sort of thing does not make me feel loved or desired, and he has since stopped doing that. We both know that if we need to opt out of sex, it needs to be communicated tactfully and honestly… “You know, I’d love to but I really feel like crap right now/I’m too tired to think straight”
      But back to you… I think you may just need to give it a try and see what happens. You need to get over the wanting him to want you and be content with allowing him to meet your need. If he wants to meet your need, he is showing you his love, right? And it is possible that as he begins to feel confident in himself for meeting your need, his desire might begin to grow… who knows. You said that when you do make love, it is always tender and loving, so perhaps that will feed him in a way that he doesn’t realize he needs to be fed.

    4. Anonymous

      You may be right. I definitely don’t want an unsolvable problem here. I guess I just feel like most men want it and want it often. My man may go a very long and be perfectly fine. (and without a doubt he is not into porn he is a godly loving man and father) Then all of a sudden he wants it, we have it and then that will be it for him noticing me or touching me in any kind of passionate or even non-passionate way. Then I wait until the next time he feels amorous unless I get the guts up to initiate in between. The message he sends me is very confusing and hurtful and I just never tell anyone cuz all my other friends are having a grand time. We finally have big kids and should be having a good time but alas we are not.

    5. Anonymous

      My wife always initiates, not because I don’t want to, but because I’ve stopped trying. Wife is not a sure thing, but does say yes more often then not. The real issue is that I don’t try when I expect her to say no, which is often since she works a crazy amount of hours.
      Like me, your husband might just be dealing with not having sex until he can’t take it anymore, then after you have sex just go back to dealing with it. If I don’t think sex is an option, especially for a few days due to her schedule, I will try not to be physical with my wife in any way, since it just makes me hornier and more frustrated.
      I obviously don’t know the issue with your husband, but I’ve already stopped trying after only a year, I can only imagine after 20 years.
      Something you might try to get him to initiate is to give him a very low pressure situation. In a very sexy way, tell him how you really appreciate him initiating at some point over the weekend, whenever he wants. This will be a lot easier for him if the kids aren’t around and you guys are hanging out at home.

  2. K.

    I definitely agree that mutual initiation is best. Like you mentioned, it says “I desire you”. I used to initiate very little because I needed my husband to make me feel desired and waited till he would do it. The problem was, he was likely thinking the same thing and was hoping I’d desire him and neither of us did it much.

    Once I learned how important my initiating was to him I am more than happy to do it now so long as he reciprocates. And he does! Now we both are initiators and it’s fantastic!

  3. Angel

    I think that it’s probably good for wives to initiate as well. I know often when I do my hubby seems to really like that.

    However…my biggest hangup for not doing so more often – is the fear of rejection. I’m sure that it sucks just as much for men, but there have been a few occasions when I’ve made it a point to go out of my way to be available, and excited, and then he just doesn’t feel like it, or w/e… That’s the worst. It makes me feel SO very undesirable, and starts a crazy spiral of doubt – like what if he’s unhappy? Why doesn’t he want to be with me? etc etc – I’m a huge worrier anyway, and it doesn’t make for a pretty picture. And sadly it takes me quite a while to shake the doubt and feeling unattractive. So more often than not, I wait for him. I’ve been trying to get back into feeling more confident, especially now that our youngest baby has been weaned a while, and is sleeping all night, so we have a little more time together. But that rejection – hurts. I can imagine how it would make them feel if that happened often!

    1. Anonymous

      You and me both. If the whole thing needs to begin in my head then when fear is there it is very hard to get past. I wrote the first comment above.

  4. Sara with an H

    My husband usually initiates more than I do, and I always (ok, MOST of the time) engage enthusiastically. While he does get turned down every now and then, its not often enough that he feels rejected. In fact, it happens so rarely, I don’t remember the last time I turned him down. Now that I’m pregnant, the tables have turned, and I’m initiating pretty much all the time. While my second trimester was the trimester of love, the third has taken a different turn (I’ll be 32 weeks on Saturday). I still desire him, and still want him, but the growing belly and discomfort from being pregnant is starting to take its toll. Thankfully, my husband is super awesome and understanding about this, knowing that it doesn’t mean anything and I’m just tired/sore/uncomfortable/moody/anyotherpregnancyissue. I’m sure once my body has recovered from childbirth, the tables will turn again, and he’ll start initiating more again.

  5. Megan@DoNotDisturb

    I would say we are slightly unique in that neither of us really initiate, we just sort of expect we will have sex regularly. What I find myself doing is letting my husband know that I am thinking about him sexually. He does the same for me. Considering the fact that we regularly connect sexually (I recognize that is NOT everyone’s situation) for me it is the expressed thoughts about how sexy I am that help me feel desired. I know and expect we will have sex so I enjoy the feeling of being desired at other points throughout the day.

    Megan

    1. happywife

      It is the same with us. Even though we don’t have sex every night, there are several nights per week that sex is on the unwritten schedule. We text back and forth suggestive messages, and make inuendos all the time, so neither of us is every caught off guard when the other starts making the moves or suggests that it is time to head to bed to “read” (our kids think we do an awful lot of reading… LOL)

    2. Rebekah

      Same here. It works pretty nicely. We almost just assume that we have to get together at least every other day, regardless of drive, and we also continually drop suggestive comments. I can rarly tell who omade the first mve, we just do this now out of learned habit.

    3. Lisa

      …or suggests that it is time to head to bed to “read” (our kids think we do an awful lot of reading… LOL) …

      This made me laugh out loud!!

  6. R.

    I’m “K”s husband, and I agree that either should initiate. I believe men are designed to be the pursuer, and women the pursued, but that doesn’t mean we can’t switch things around sometimes, to keep it fun – I like it either way. I think the main thing is that, as my wife described, each needs to know that they’re desired by their spouse. It’s so thrilling for me to know that I can approach my wife at any time and in any way and I’ll be received and welcomed. Since we had a “renaissance” in our marriage about 3 months ago (we’re the couple who commented this post recently-http://www.hotholyhumorous.com/2013/02/quantity-vs-quality-what-do-hubbies-want.html), she has NEVER refused me, nor I her. Knowing just how much we want each other has had a sort of snowball effect: I want her, so I pursue her, she wants me, she pursues me, and on it goes. Her desire for me has awakened a level of desire in me I didn’t even know existed!

    1. R.

      After reading Megan’s comment, I need to amend this to say that much of the time, we just “initiate” mutually. It’s pretty much a given that we’re going to have sex every night AND every morning (I’m not kidding here!), so the question of who initiates is often not relevant.

    2. R.

      I never would have thought it, either! What happened in our case was that each of us was praying, unbeknownst to each other – I that we could have sex more often than once every 3 weeks or so, and she that she would be able to submit and meet my need for sex, which she did not often “feel” like, but knew it was a God-ordained responsibility. Well, He answered our prayers in a huge way, opening up the floodgates. Not only was she more receptive in meeting my needs, we soon found that we both had a huge desire for each other on a regular and frequent basis. We began sleeping naked together, something we had almost never done, and when we got into bed, we just sort of came alive and realized how much we wanted each other. On many occasions, one or both of us would be tired, or otherwise just “not in the mood”, but it didn’t matter. We got undressed, crawled under the covers, and almost without fail, sparks flew! I was quite surprised that I could even sustain this level of activity for more than a couple of days, but I did, and so did she. We’re going on 4 months of this now, with no letup except for sickness or me being out of town a few times.

      All this activity got us to talking a LOT more, emailing each other frequently throughout the day, grabbing each other here and there during the day and evening, planning little surprises for each other, etc. We’ve both decided that we are, in no uncertain terms, each other’s best friend, and we love doing all kinds of things together, not just sex.

      Now, my wife suggested I caution any eager guys out there that one of the best ways to turn off and alienate your wife is to insist that it’s her “God-ordained” responsibility to submit to you sexually. Wrong attitude, dude! The two of you need to pray, either individually, or together (which may be harder), or both, and you need to be willing to just give it a try, sort of “step out in faith”.

      And speaking for myself, I think you need to have an attitude toward your wife that you love her, REALLY love her, and want to protect her, serve her, help her, provide for her, and just really minister to her physically, emotionally and spiritually. Two things helped me to become more focused and determined in this attitude: The movie “Fireproof”, and the book pair: “For Women Only” and “For Men Only” by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn. So even prior to our “marriage renaissance”, I had already resolved to be a better husband to her (that was also one of my regular prayers), and it seems the sex part was the last pin to click in and opened the door to what now is an amazing, beautiful and unbelievably fulfilling relationship. And this, after 30 years of marriage!

    3. K.

      Please forgive us for going on a bit on J’s blog about our newfound passion. We’ve had many years of very little sex (maybe once every 3 weeks), so we can totally relate to both sides of the issue of not enough sex.

      I, as the wife, lost interest in sex over the last 5 or so years of our 30-year marriage, probably due to feeling unattractive in my “old age” and losing my attraction to my husband. When he would approach me (very gingerly) I would dread it because I had NO desire whatsoever. But I knew that it was not right to deny him, as Scripture says. So I would pray, telling God the truth – I had no desire, and to help me to please my husband because I know I am supposed to. Interestingly, when I would pray that way we would almost always have an amazing orgasm together, but the sex was over pretty quickly, probably because we hadn’t done it in awhile. Then we would go back to the platonic relationship we had the rest of the time. The only times I really felt like having sex were when we couldn’t – when I was ovulating and when I was on my period. Total bummer!! We did total abstinence during those times, which means almost 2 weeks out of the month that my husband got nothing. This was because of some teachings that I had bought into, but now don’t, about oral sex and hand jobs. IOW, I wasn’t willing to give my husband a hand job or oral sex during those times, so we both suffered together. That’s not the case now thanks to some insight into the Song of Solomon and the steamy picture it paints of marital love!

      So anyway, we were both praying – husband about us being in sync and more frequent and me to please him despite my lack of desire. I think we were both crying out to God for something better. I hated having little desire for my husband! I wanted to change. But being uncomfortable with initiating and not seeing much interest from my husband (turns out he was just being a gentleman), I wondered if it would ever get better.

      Then by “chance” I saw that a Pinterest friend had subscribed to Sheila Gregoire’s account and I had no clue who she was. So I checked her out and found her blog, To Love, Honor and Vacuum and saw her 29 Days to Great Sex series (done in Feb. of 2012) which is excellent, and this post got me rolling. This line especially spoke to me:

      So much of a man’s self-esteem especially is tied into whether or not his wife desires him sexually.

      I had no idea! I’m afraid I bought the notion that men just want one thing and for selfish reasons. Sheila showed me a deeper side to my man. I kept reading her 29 Days posts and saw that I could effect a change in my marriage. It really does start in the mind for us women. I applied what I was learning and our marriage blossomed. The old passion was back, but even better! I realized that, just like faith is required first before God gives us what we have faith for, if I want to feel any desire or passion toward my husband I need to do something and give myself to him and the desire will come. And it does! That’s the amazing part!

      So please don’t lose heart if your marriage is like ours was. With God all things are possible! Only pray and believe! Who knows what amazing things He will do? But put it all in His Hands and don’t try to change your spouse yourself. It won’t work! Only God can change a heart, and He can make it willing, too. I am living proof! Praise His Holy Name!

    4. J

      I’m thinking of renaming this post “Wives, Should You Initiate Sex? or The Post I Happily Let R & K Take Over.” LOVE hearing your story!!! Thanks so much for sharing. Praise God indeed!

    5. K.

      Yes, that is what we want to convey! GOD did it, not us. He makes dead things alive again! He is our Redeemer and Resurrector! There’s always hope when God is in the picture. Don’t ever give up! Pray and trust. His timing is always, ALWAYS perfect. Wait on the Lord and let Him deal with you in whatever way He needs to to prepare you for what you are standing in faith to receive.

  7. K.

    Babe, we’ve been this way going on 4 months now! And it only gets better. I hope it never ends! We’re both better spouses for it!

  8. Paul Byerly

    Something about initiating – you get the upper hand in setting the rules of engagement. For the lower drive spouse this should be a huge plus.

    If the lower drive spouse says “I’m going to rock your world. This time it’s all about you, all for you, and my pleasure will come from watching you enjoy it.” they have a good chance of being well received and being able to give their spouse what is needed while at the same time not feeling expected to go beyond what they feel at the moment.

  9. Anonymous

    Really wishing my wife would read this article AND TAKE IT TO HEART. I have flat out told her before that when she NEVER initiates it makes me feel unwanted and lonely. All I got from that conversation was “I didn’t do that in the past, why would you expect me to do it now?” Yet at the same time she tells me how much she NEEDS me to pursue her, to make her feel like she is still sexy and wanted. How could she ask that, yet not understand the same need when it is put back on her? I am lost…

  10. Anonymous

    I’m always my wife’s sure thing on the rare occasion she initiates. Unfortunately I’ve given up on initiating as well. Too many rejections that I can’t take the pain of the “no” anymore.

  11. Anonymous

    I’ve also read many cases where the wives think they’re initiating, but the husband is “clueless” – here’s a tip ladies: If you’re generally the low drive spouse and/or have rejected your husband’s advances in the past, he simply WILL NOT recognize anything less than walking in naked, grabbing his crotch and growling “TAKE ME NOW” in his ear, lest he get his hopes up to be dashed once again.

    Unless you’re normally hot to trot 24/7, wearing a low cut blouse is not initiation. Giving him a fully clothed backrub is not initiation. Meeting him at the door to give him a kiss is not initiation. You must be blatantly overt.

  12. becominghiseve

    My husband loves it when I initiate, and he’s always pleasantly surprised. He also appreciates it when I respond enthusiastically every time he initiates… that part I’m still working on since I’m not always in the mood when he is. But we have a healthy balance I believe.

  13. Anonymous

    I too believe it should be initiated by both, BUT when the woman initiates, she needs to be very clear on her intentions or her husband may miss the message completely. I am the higher drive wife, it hurts to be rejected. I had to take the matter into my own hands and research this issue. What I learned was enough to go to my husband and ask if and when he knew I was coming on to him. The fact was, he did not! So, if you are the wife with the higher sex drive, you need to be very sexually direct for him to receive the message. Husbands, it may take you paying a bit more attention to your wife’s subtle clues and flat out asking if she is initiating sex as well.

    1. Anonymous

      You know, there are times I wonder about this. The very few times I can bring myself to initiate anymore, I will caress suggestively with my husband at night, and many times I am eventually met with snoring. So it makes me think “am I that boring? Unattractive?” But lately I’ve been wondering “am I just too subtle?” Cause I don’t like the “grab his crotch” approach to sex. I mean, there are times I will play with him like that, but if I had to initiate like that all the time, I just wouldn’t enjoy it.
      My hubby is just one of those who likes sex about once a week. He’s not into porn, no into other women, is a big, strong, manly man/guy’s guy, but is very affected by stress, distracted by the kids (we have seven), and has always really liked his sleep. I’m not sex crazed, but would like it more like 2-3 times a week. It’s been a source of frustration in our marriage–pretty much the only one as we have a great marriage–and is just something I would LOVE to gt passed, once and for all.

    2. Anonymous

      My husband is the same way, once a week is enough for him. After talking with him, he is willing to have sex more often because he now understands what it truly means to me to share in that way. I would like sex every day, but knowing he is ok with once a week, we came to an agreement that twice a week would be best for us. Bend and flow, give and take, that is what is required for a marriage. I know I am not being overly demanding by requesting twice a week intimacy with him. We shall see how it plays out. Our marriage is a bit different, as we face cultural issues as well. He is new to America and the adjustment stress and not being able to find work plays a big factor into our marital bed. I waited 5 long years to finally live our married life together, I would love to be able to enjoy all aspects of being married now. I understand, after researching, that it may never get any better, and I will come to terms with that as time goes on. Really, we have a loving marriage outside of the bedroom, and I am thrilled to finally have him home with us.

  14. Anonymous

    I just found your Website lastweek, And wanted to let you know how much I appreciate it. It is nice to have found a Cristian site that a couple can go to and be encouraged by the topics and the posts. P.S I also thank is very nice when my wife is agressive towards me. But most of the time I am doing the chasing.

  15. Dogwood

    1) Initiate frequently and enthusiastically. Don’t be subtle. We men don’t do subtle. Personally, I find sexual boldness quite exciting.

    2) Respond with enthusiasm when he initiates.

    In short, pursue each other frequently, enthusiastically and with a dash or two of adventurousness.

  16. Anonymous

    I recently came across your site and have stayed up late many many nights to catch up on all your posts. I’ve been having a lot of marriage problems lately. Not worth going into it all, but one of my issues is just a lack of attraction to my husband. We are in our 7th year and I’m pregnant with #3….. I’m trying my best but things are really hard right now and I just don’t care about and am not interested in sex. Which is causing even more problems for us. I haven’t seen any posts about this type of topic, but did I miss something? If you have talked about it before can you point me in the right direction? Or maybe this will be a topic you can post about in the near future… thank you for this blog!!

    -L

    1. J

      You would think I would have a single post I could point you to, but I don’t know that I do. I’ve had a general theme of dealing with sexual issues and drive as a whole, but not one post that goes through the whys of not desiring sex.

      I will say a couple of things on this point and then point you to some resources.

      1) Since you’re pregnant, I’d suggest mentioning this to your doctor and see if hormonal changes in your body are affecting your level of desire.

      2) Many wives don’t get interested in sex until they begin. Sometimes we think that because we don’t have a drive to engage, we shouldn’t bother. But if you jump in, you might become aroused and enjoy the process a great deal.

      Resources:

      This blog: Young Kids Can Kill Your Sex Life…If You Let Them

      Intimacy in Marriage: 3 Ways to Turn Around a Sexual Slump

      To Love, Honor and Vacuum: Women Are Not Like Slow-Cookers

      Pearl’s Oyster Bed (entire site for lower drive wives): Best Kept Secret to Lift Low Female Libido

  17. Larry B

    Thanks J for another relevant and helpful essay.

    It’s probably about 2/3 of the time for me to initiate and one third for my wife to initiate. In most marriages, it may never be 50-50, but it ought not be 90-10 or 100-0. Wives should initiate sexual foreplay when they want to make love.

    Let me just add another comment. It is really encouraging that married, Christian women are reclaiming their sexuality. The Christian Church has suffered for 16 centuries because of (St.) Augustine’s extreme sexual pessimism. Keep up the great work!

  18. Anonymous

    We have been married for 19 years and have always had great sex. I think sex is the only thing that had kept our marriage going for many years. My husband now has been diagnosed with hemochromatosis and has been very sick for 18 months now. I can not iniate sex at all anymore cause most of the time he is just too sick and when he can’t do it it leaves him with a feeling of being totally useless so I try to keep to my side of the bed which leaves him with a feeling of why don’t you like me? I really like him but having him in the house 24/7 leaves me with no time for myself which makes me resent him which leaves him with the feeling I don’t like him. Having sex with a sick person when you know that he will have awful stomach pains afterward is heartbreaking and I just can’t stand to see that I feel so sorry for him but he thinks he doesn’t need my pity and he will take the pain for sex. I have become cold towards him because cuddling makes us want sex. We are in a trying time in our marriage and that is what made me seal out your website. Love it!!! Keep it up!!! All those healthy people enjoy your sex!! You never know how long it will last. I still have my husband but I’m watching everything else go, sex, business, health, traveling, but there are good things too. A better walk with The Lord is one:)

    1. J

      Oh, my heart goes out to you. What a struggle you two face!

      I will say a couple of things: Most of the husbands I talk to you would agree with yours that they would rather have sex and take the pain. I can’t imagine how difficult that would be. Haven’t been there. But you may want to think about that. Being connected to you may simply be worth that to him.

      Also, you might try being more creative with your sexuality. He might even enjoy the cuddling and helping you climax, even if he can’t.

      Saying a prayer for you. Thanks for adding your voice here!

    2. K.

      Hi, Anon, just wanted to let you know that while looking up what your hubby has (I was curious), I ran across a cookbook for his health issue. It looks very promising in helping reduce iron stores. Just thought I’d share.

    3. Anonymous

      Thanks for the info on the cookbook. I will buy it! We have done every thing we could for his health, lots and lots of pills, liquids, diets, until his dad found out he had hemochromatosis and then the drs found my husbands. We went to Mexico for chelation but that only helped for a while and it did not bring his iron levels down, it just brought his pain down a bit and helped a bit to get his strength back. He is 43. We think his liver has gotten too much damage. We have 7 kids the oldest being 20 years and the youngest 20 months. Thanks again for the link!!

    4. Paul Byerly

      I would agree with J that most men would feel better if some sex were continued. Sex does not have to mean what you have always done, and there are plenty of ways to be sexual, with climax for one or both of you, that will be easier on his body. He will feel a lot better about himself as a man if he can pleasure you, and you will both feel closer.

      As I understand it, regular blood donations can bring iron levels down, and then keep them where they should be. This does not reverse all the damage done, but it stops further problems and can reverse some problems. I assume he is doing this and there is a good possibility he will become more able?

  19. Anonymous

    Hi thanks for taking the time to answer my questions! He was diagnosed in August of 2012 with ferritin at 3600 and as of march 2013 it is sitting at 341 with weekly phlebotomies (giving blood, about 3 cups per week) 341 is actually in normal range again but with the iron disorder the drs want it to come down to 50. We where really hoping he would get better and have been disappointed that not much has changed. His organs started shutting down in October 2012 and he ended up in the hospital for 2 weeks and it came from high iron levels. He has all the symptoms of a stomach cancer of some sort but haven’t found out yet if he has it or if it comes from high iron. I read the book “the bronze killer” and to me it sounds like its from high iron but the specialist think he has a cancer as well. In 2 days he has another ct scan and he’s had ultrasounds, pet scans, X-rays, MRI of his head. My husband is a medical mystery and I remember what I once read ” believe me you don’t want to be the person that the drs can’t figure out! Lol”

  20. Anonymous

    I have been divorced now for almost three years. During the nine years, we were married. It started out great; until she found started to hang out with friends more and partying. Anytime we had plans whether it was just being together or intimate. The plans would change by either friends or she would be passed out most of the time. I stop initiating sex because that was I ever wanted she say. Anytime that we did it was her way only which was short and simple. I feel could never compete for her. I feel like if I ever met someone new. I want the relationship to work. I want to make her happy and even fulfill her desires. But I feel that I should never tell her my desires or ever imitate either. I hate being a single father. I love my son. I want him to know what a family is suppose to be.

    1. J

      This breaks my heart.

      I do believe you can still teach your son what a family is supposed to be by talking honestly about what a good marriage takes, by admitting that it requires effort and communication, by demonstrating to him how to treat women generally. If you are blessed to find a wife someday, work on the relationship and the friendship so that you have genuine trust and love for each other. When you are married to someone of solid character and you foster your relationship, it’s much easier to show your vulnerabilities and initiate intimacy with your spouse.

      Blessings!

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