Sex Initiation Lines: The Good, the Bad, and the Funny

The Cosby Show ranks as one of my favorite family sitcoms of all time. In one episode, Cliff and Clair Huxtable finally get a night away from the stresses of parenthood when they book a room at a local hotel. All these years later, I remember Cliff’s terrible effort at initiating lovemaking with his beautiful wife.

This strikes a chord with me even now because my get-to-the-point husband often skips the romantic words and lets me know in a more direct way when he is interested in physical intimacy. I started to think that I should write these bad sex initiation lines down. I did. Here are a few on my list:

In the bathroom as I’m putting on my moisturizer: “Do you want to copulate this morning or wait until this evening?”

As I’m putting on my clothes in the morning: “I thought we were going to mate.”

In the afternoon after I promised in the morning that we’d make love that day: “I think you owe me a good time.”

Lying on our bed as he’s watching a game and I’m reading: “Do you want a real-quick quickie?”

“You’ve got to service me later.” Albeit we had agreed on lovemaking that day, so he was attempting to redeem a promise.

Taking off all his clothes and lying on the bed: “You can have your way with me now.”

Thankfully, my husband is married to a gal who looks for opportunities to laugh. If he’d been serious in any of those approaches, he’d have been shot down faster than a North Korean missile over California.

In fact, when I shared with my husband that I’d been collecting his bad sex initiation lines, he responded, “That’s funny. I’ve been record-keeping, and in my book those were successful lines.”

Wow. Have I really set the bar that low? *grin*

This exercise did get me to thinking about how husbands and wives likely view the words used for sex initiation a bit differently. We generally sense that men are visual, women are verbal. The temptation for men is porn; for women, erotica. A “guy flick” is filled with action, while a “chick flick” is filled with conversation. A 20-month-old girl typically has twice the vocabulary of a 20-month-old boy.

However, the stereotypes aren’t true for everyone, and the assumption that women speak a whole lot more than men isn’t supported by research. Yes, Tim the Tool Man, hubbies can use their words.

But what words do we wives wish our hubbies would use to initiate sex? Well, Cliff Huxtable eventually masters it. He expresses how he feels about his wife, letting her know that his desire for physical intimacy is connected to the intimacy they have in other areas of their married life.

My husband has also said some of the most beautiful things I’ve ever heard. Those are moments that I treasure and that awaken my desire to be physically intimate with him. I’m not going to share those because they feel so perfect and personal.

But generally, the best sex initiation lines involve one or more of the following:

  • Affirming her beauty
  • Explaining what makes her special
  • Expressing appreciation for what she does
  • Describing what sexual intimacy means to you on a deeper level
  • Proclaiming committed love
  • Thanking God for His gift of marital intimacy

Of course, not every encounter must be worthy of Cyrano de Bergerac. And sometimes, those bad sex initiation lines are funny enough that they work.

But when you read Song of Songs, it’s clear that the Lover totally knows how to use words to make his bride feel beautiful, loved, and desired . . . before he announces his sexual intent.

How beautiful you are and how pleasing,
my love, with your delights!
Your stature is like that of the palm,
and your breasts like clusters of fruit.
I said, “I will climb the palm tree;
I will take hold of its fruit.”

Song of Solomon 7:6-8

Not bad, huh?

So how do you handle sex initiation in your marriage? Are the words important to you? Do you have any of your own less-than-spectacular sex initiation lines to share?

Sources: Sex Linked Lexical Budgets; Cognitive Gender DifferencesBible Gateway

25 thoughts on “Sex Initiation Lines: The Good, the Bad, and the Funny

  1. Tammy

    Thank you for sharing the Cosby video…I had forgotten what a wonderful show that was. Usually with us, if it has been more than 36 hrs or so since the last love making session, any little “look” or hint of intimacy, is welcomed with little comments or flirting. So, when it’s bedtime, the words are not usually the catalyst…usually it is the touches, a hand that starts out scratching a back or caressing an arm usually finds other more sensitive areas. Or a foot that starts out on a foot or calf, starts to rub more seductively…you get the idea. For us, it’s just understood or realized that if we go for more than 2 days with out touching base with each other intimately, then we start to not feel/act our best.

  2. LadyK

    J,

    This is great! My experience is almost identical to yours. It ranges from funny to something like the book of Song of Solomon.

    Thank you for your blog. It really inspires me.

  3. Teresa

    My favorite less-than-spectacular sex initiation line is “I thought we were going back for playtime”

  4. mamarachael

    Goodness, I haven’t laughed that hard in a while.

    I’m married to a Spock, as well. But I’m rather Spockish also, so it works out! Neither of us gets hints or likes them, so we are quite upfront about what it is we want.

  5. Cristi

    Thank you for the post and Cosby video. I laughed so hard!! I too am married to a Spock and his list of bad come ons is endless! And I adore him for it! I wish I would have written them down like you did. I think I’ll start doing that!

  6. Jeni

    I dunno. I’m not sure “I will climb the palm tree and take hold of its fruit” is any better than the other ones!! ROFLOL I’d probably fall on the floor in a fit of laughter if my dh tried that line on me.

    We are much like you guys and my husband has the most awesome way of turning words around to relate to intimacy. I almost can’t say anything without him being able to use those same words to “suggest” something else. He cracks me up!!
    Great post 🙂

    1. Anonymous

      That sounds like my husband! I tell him all the time, “You really can make ANYTHING sound dirty,can’t you?” 🙂

  7. Greg

    Thankfully, when it comes to romance and creative conversation, not all men are Uncle Fester-like inept. After all, even Gomez Addams never had a problem:

    Gomez (passionately kissing Morticia’s arm): “Querida–you spoke French!”

    Morticia (with sly, seductive smile): “Gomez, darling…work now; ooh la la later…”

    I suspect Mr. Spock is more like Cousin Itt; underneath that hairy exterior is an eloquent, methodical, and intelligent creature. It’s just the expression that may be a little hard to understand.

    1. J

      Ha! Maybe not so much like Cousin Itt (and I’m impressed you spelled it correctly) as Lurch. 😉

      Thanks, Greg.

  8. Anonymous

    My husband’s go-to’s are:

    “So, you wanna do it?”
    “I have a chubby”
    “Do you want to have sex tonight?”
    Or just cuddling up ever-so-right to let me know he is ready to go and wants me to wake up

    Seriously…that’s it. No romantic words, no sweetness…he does sometime’s stand like Capt. Morgan while naked as a proposition though!

    1. J

      Oh my goodness, I nearly fell off my chair laughing at that “chubby” one. And I can just imagine a guy doing the Capt Morgan pose. I hope you have a good sense of humor. 🙂

      Thanks for sharing!

  9. Anonymous

    I can only remember my husband actually asking me for sex once in our married life. Otherwise, he just grabs and goes (when he initiates). I ask, but in round about ways and through hints, which usually leaves me hanging or he doesn’t get what I truly want. For example, I may want him to bring me to climax a certain way and then enjoy intercourse together, but it doesn’t happen that way. I am still trying to successfully communicate to him that I need climaxes more often than once in a while.

  10. Anonymous

    Ok, what stood out to me most was 1. Claire’s graceful and gentle way about telling Cliff what she needed. and 2. Cliff saying, “I don’t need any help.” Hubby “doesn’t need any help” either, according to him, but he totally misses the mark so many times and gets frustrated with me when I am left unhappy and unsatisfied. I try to tell him as gracefully as possible what I need, but he only hears criticism. Is there any sexy, right way to “talk about sex” and “give sexual direction” without losing those sexy feelings?

  11. Anonymous

    Love, Love, LOVE the Cosby show! It’s one of our favorites. My hubby and I are working through some things right now, trying to “start fresh.” It’s nice to feel hopeful about the future of our relationship, both inside and outside the bedroom.

  12. Anonymous

    Those are so funny! My husband is a funny guy, and will turn anything I say into a come-on line or a dirty phrase. Coitus is used sometimes in our house, actually! In a joking manner, of course. Most of the time, it is referred to as “talking.” “Hey, Mommy, how about we go back to the bedroom and talk for a few minutes?” *Wink Wink* Or, “I think we need to have a good, long talk.” 🙂

  13. upwithmarriage

    This was a great reminder! I love how Claire uses a beautiful blend of girlish whining mixed with coquettishness. Even though she’s stating her point she does it with such femininity and the humour of repeating Cliff’s words in her mock male voice to remove the sting that Cliff might’ve otherwise felt. Something that I noticed after the clip was finished was that he didn’t really do anything that was that different – he kissed her arm a few times; but she responded to it by moving closer to him.

  14. Anonymous

    This is too funny. For us its referred to as “naptime” – On occasion, when one of really does just want to take a nap, it can get confusing and hilarious!

    Although not perfect, my husband is learning how to say things, and I am learning how to speak more directly at what I want/need. I really struggle with this as its embarrassing for me, but he loves it, and says if embarrassed is what it takes, then keep being embarrassed cause I love it!

  15. Anonymous

    My wife’s pick up line is “We haven’t had sex for 4 months, and I don’t think I’m busy this weekend, so if the planets align, maybe we could have sex.”

    1. J

      I’d draw a planets-aligning space scene and put it right outside the bedroom window. Look, they’re aligned!!! 😉

  16. Dave1

    J: I don’t know if you check on comments to some of these older posts. Recently came across a reference to the bead method as a means of sex initiation. The basic idea is, when one spouse is ‘in the mood’ he/she places a bead in a bowl. The other spouse has 24 hours to make good on the request. I expect there are plenty of other variations on this theme out there (coupons, maybe, or something other than beads in a jar).

    Comments I’ve seen around ranged from “how lame must the state of communication be in a marriage that needs a gimmick like this to initiate sex” to “what a great idea.” I was wondering what you thought of these kinds of gimmicky, non-verbal techniques for initiating/requesting sex?

    1. J

      Hey, Dave1! I’ve heard of that method as well. If this practice is mutually agreed upon and done playfully, I think it’s great. Why not?!

      Initiation can occur in many ways: everything from a verbal, straight-up request to a nonverbal wink across a room. If a certain verbal or nonverbal method works for the marriage, I’m not going to question it. And I suggest they enjoy it!

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