You are planning or he is hoping to have sex soon. But right now, you’re in that take-or-leave-it mood. Or maybe even a leave-it-or-leave-it mood. *sigh*
If you waited to be perfectly “in the mood” every single time to have sex, some of your marriages wouldn’t experience another sexual encounter until Labor Day. Some of you would get lucky this weekend, but you are supposed to be having sex tonight.
Photo from Microsoft Clip Art
Thankfully, it’s not about being in the mood, as if you stand around and suddenly get hit by the lightning bolt of lovemaking. You can create some electricity yourself. You can get in the mood. So wives, here are some tips on how to prepare yourself for sex. You can try one or more and see what works for you.
(Not to leave you out, husbands, but I don’t know how you prepare, other than your wife walking through the room naked.)
Build anticipation. We tend to enjoy what we anticipate. Got a vacation coming up? A birthday? A massage? We think ahead about what that will be like and plan how much we will enjoy its arrival. Try doing the same thing with sexual intimacy in your marriage. Think ahead about when you’ll make love later.
If you’re planning a night of hot-and-heavy, let the images of that come to mind throughout the day. Think about the attractiveness of your husband, the way you felt the last time he kissed you or when you last climaxed, the joy of becoming physically one flesh, and the gift that God has given us of sex in marriage. Pray that your evening will go well, and that you’ll both find pleasure and connection with one another. Let the anticipation build, and your body may respond by feeling more ready when the moment arrives.
Remove distraction. One of the greatest difficulties for wives is distraction. Female brains are typically able to juggle more balls than a Las Vegas act. We have so much else going on in our lives and around our houses that asking us to focus on sex is like asking that juggler to toss a single ball. We get antsy.
But you won’t be able to relax and enjoy the pleasure of sex with your husband unless you focus. Do your best to remove distractions. This can include getting the kids to bed early, straightening up the bedroom, putting away your to-do list–whatever you need to do to put down those balls and get into The Act.
Prepare location. Atmosphere matters. We instinctively know this when we enter restaurants and get an immediate feel for the food based on the surroundings. Likewise, we can create a mood by preparing the location of our lovemaking. That might mean taking the time to refurbish your bedroom to make it a pleasant place, adding ambiance enhancers like candlelight and music, or creating an inviting space for the two of you to feel as randy as a pair of mating-season rabbits. It could even be a simple as getting the Legos and the Barbies out of your bedroom.
Consider what environment would evoke your romantic and sexy side. Then make the effort to have your bedroom reflect that environment.
Awaken sensation. We have five senses — sight, smell, hearing, touch, and taste. Sexual intimacy is particularly focused on sight and touch but can involve all five senses. To get in the mood, try to awaken those senses. You can light a scented candle and inhale deeply; turn on a sexual intimacy playlist and close your eyes to listen; take a bubble bath and feel the hot water and foam stroke your skin; replace your regular sheets with satin ones; bring chocolate-covered strawberries or champagne into the bedroom.
Think of things that are not specifically sexual, but rather sensual. Find ways to awaken your senses, so that you’ll be ready when your senses are engaged in lovemaking.
Ask for affection. Wives often need more affectionate foreplay before feeling ready to make love. Let’s be honest here, ladies: Holding off a horny husband from going straight to the erogenous zones can be like defending your kingdom with a Nerf sword. At some point, you want to yell, “Hey! Hold hands first, handle hooha later!”
Yet, one of the sexiest things evah is your husband stroking you gently with his broad, manly hands. Or that soft-lipped, melting-into-each-other kiss that lingers until the tingle runs all the way down to your pinkie toe. Ask for the affection you need. Explain that you might get in the mood if you could spend some time touching, kissing, snuggling, or getting a massage. Ten to fifteen minutes of that, and you might find yourself very eager to make love when you didn’t think you were in the mood before.
Use communication. Here are two things you should remember: Most husbands love to turn us wives on, and most husbands cannot read their wives’ minds.
So tell him what feels good. You can use words, moans, shrieks, whatever, but communicate clearly what you enjoy in the bedroom. It can feel awkward at first to say things like, “Over here is better” or “I love it when you ___,” but the initial discomfort passes and most spouses are receptive to positively-phrased suggestions.
Pay attention. Whatever preparation you’ve done before, you still need to pay attention to what’s happening in the moment. Once you come together with your husband, think about what’s happening to your body and to his body. You can open your eyes and watch your bodies melding or gaze at his facial expressions. Or you can close your eyes and focus on the nerves of your skin as they awaken with the touch of your husband. Hone in on your erogenous zones and focus your mental energy on their arousal.
If your mind wanders, just bring it back to the moment at hand. You might need to do this a few times before your mind is fully engaged. But do your best to give that time of sexual intimacy your full, undivided attention.
Using these tips to prepare yourself for sex, you might find yourself more in the mood for lovemaking than you originally felt. Hopefully, you can get turned on as you progress into this sexual encounter with your husband. And if you want tips on how to reach orgasm, you can check out that post HERE.
This couldn’t have come at a better time for me. I could, however, use a bit more advice. I just had a baby 9 weeks ago and I’m not sure I’m ready for sex again with my husband. Honestly, I just don’t feel… I guess, sexy any more. My husband is always telling me he thinks I’m sexy or commenting on how good I look and I just don’t feel it. We’ve tried foreplay before hand but I just can’t seem to get into it. He says that it’s fine and he’s willing to wait however long he needs to. I’m just not sure what to do any more. I love my husband very much and want to be able to make love with him again. Help.
Been there! When our daughter was born, we waited the proverbial 6 weeks to not have sex, and when we were given the go ahead, I could have cared less. We tried that evening and it was painful. Are you breastfeeding? From my experience, breastfeeding dries your entire body out (hence the reason you get so thirsty), so I recommend lots and lots of lubricant. Does baby sleep in your room? I had a hard time getting in the mood while my daughter was in the bassinet in our room. Try moving her into the bathroom or hallway just for the moment. It may help you to turn off mommy-mode. Remember, you have TONS of hormones that have just left your system, and it may take you some time to readjust. I got to the point where I really didn’t care if we never had sex again. I read a book called “Sheet Music” that helped me to rethink the whole sex thing. We started off small and slow. Things like sitting on the couch cuddling go a long way. Then, we would make out on the couch. Then we would make out before bed. Then things would progress. So take it slow and make sure you communicate with him exactly how you’re feeling so he doesn’t think it has something to do with him. I too have a very understanding husband, so I know how lucky you are. Just give it time. Your body just did something amazing, and it needs time to readjust.
Thank you so much! Everything you’ve said is exactly what I’m going through. I was breastfeeding but am not now. Like I said I think it’s just how I feel. I’ve talked to my husband and he reassured me his feelings haven’t changed. I really am blessed with an amazing husband. I will try some of the things you have suggested. Hopefully it will get things going again.
Anonymous – It can be quite difficult to get back in that groove, especially when parts of your body look like a Cubist painter got a hold of it. It takes a while for your body to bounce back, but I bet your husbands is telling the truth–you look awesome to him!
I have written about the difficulties of post-partum sex in: When My Sex Life Sucked and When My Sex Life Sucked – Part 2. Congrats on the baby! Best wishes to you both!
J: Great article! Thanks. It took me a long time to learn this before. I wished I had your blog 10 yrs ago. But, it’s here now… I’ve learned loads of stuff from your posts since I started following you, a couple months ago or so. I look forward to your posts. I’m linking to a profile I use for an online presence in a virtual world. It’s very much me… just a virtual version. Happy Thursday!
Thanks, Lady K!
You’re close, J… this husband prepares merely by THINKING about his wife walking through the room naked. I’m SO there!
Thanks for this post – GOOD stuff!
Walking through clothed will do too. 🙂
Such a simple gender. As I’ve heard before, a man is satisfied if she shows up naked…and brings food. All needs satisfied. 😉
What can I say… I married a BABE! Over 25 years married (over 27 together), and she still revs my motor!
I’ve been married to my wife 20yrs next month. I am more turned on by my wife now than I was when we were first married. I am fascinated with her body even tho it has changed a bit in 20yrs. Amazing… I try to explain that to her she does not understand how it is that I find her so attractive. I can’t explain it other than it’s the “Lord” and the way he designed it. just gets better as time goes on. We just get closer in our relationship altogether, and that makes intamcy GREAT… “ALWAYS READY”
I love hearing from husbands who have been married a long time and still think their wife is smokin’ hot! We gals look at our bodies and are well aware that they are not 20-ish anymore, but you men see it differently (thank God).
I hope your wife believes you soon. I’m sure she is absolutely beautiful, and lucky to have a husband who sees that.
Been married 29 years & she is still very desirable. Ladies, don’t get stuck on not looking 20-ish. What matters most is confidently using your your whole being to express your love for your hubby. Big turn on!!
“Hey! Hold hands first, handle hooha later!”
Best Line EVER!
^^ THIS!!! 😀 😀 😀
I nearly fell off my chair laughing. This is so stinkin true.. but how to explain to hubby who is running around just hoping I’ll randomly grab his junk? 🙂
Well, are you? I see so many women who are frustrated that their husband won’t respect their desires/wishes in this department, but they won’t reciprocate and respect their husbands wishes/desires in this department.
Maybe make a deal. “Look, I’ll start grabbing your junk randomly more often, but you have to try and grab mine less often.”
I don’t think many women understand that while we’re laying in bed beside you with your head on our shoulder and your hand on our stomach, all we’re thinking is “touchittouchittouchittouchittouchittouchittouchittouchittouchittouchittouchittouchittouchittouchittouchittouchittouchittouchittouchittouchittouchittouchittouchitWHY WON’T SHE TOUCH IT!!!”
We can’t help it. We’re that attracted to you (physically, emotionally, intellectually, everything). And this (sex) is our primary means of expressing all aspects our relationship balled into one act. So, being the unperceptive males that we are, if you don’t think about it 100% of the time, we feel you must not feel the same way about us as we do about you. I know it’s stupid, but it’s the way we are. Most of us are trying to filter some of that so we can see your perspective, but I doubt it will ever truly go away.
Sorry, that turned into a bit of a rant.
I was planning to respond to Anonymous’s “grab his junk” comment, and then I read Jay Dee’s comment in my inbox and nearly died laughing. So there’s the hubby’s perspective, ladies!
My comment is in a similar vein, although worded differently. Essentially, you should “grab his junk” and he should affectionately stroke you. That’s “doing to others what you would have them do to you” (Matthew 7:12)–aka The Golden Rule. I don’t know a better way to explain it to hubbies, though, than to just reiterate that action A turns me on, action B turns me off. Then ask him to experiment and see what the results are with A and B. Like Pavlov’s dog, maybe he’ll get the message when he’s rewarded with your arousal from affection, not grabbing.
Seriously, guys, do you hear this? Don’t grab our butt or “honk” our breasts out of nowhere, unless you have that playful understanding already from her. We don’t like it today, and we won’t like it tomorrow. (This has been a public service announcement from the ladies commenting at HHH.)
Message received….will try to implement….no promises other than to try.
Hehe I am a new wife and growing up all I could remember was when we’d rough house with Dad, Mom would constantly caution us to be careful with Dad…so I’ve got this long built instinct to avoid the whole vicinity AT ALL COST. So it is such a paradigm shift to me to INTENTIONALLY grab hubby there. However I’ve noticed how much he requests it in bed (which makes me feel bad because I actually enjoy it and usually have been subconsciously avoiding it). TRYING to learn, IT IS OKAY TO GRAB HUBBY. No, IT MAKES HUBBY HAPPY IF I GRAB IT. I am apparently in the minority of women because I find it terribly cute and amusing when hubby grabs my butt or boobs randomly. He doesn’t really do this very much (we grew up in a conservative background and we are still working on remembering it’s okay to be sexy now!) but it doesn’t bother me. Maybe I should step up the game and randomly grab him more and he will reciprocate? 😉
Original Anonymous- love Jay Dee’s comment. LOL. And yes, I am. 😉 We are in yr 7 of marriage and currently working on what actually makes me feel good, as up until now instead taking the time to think about what I actually like physically/intimately I just assumed I disliked it all and reacted negatively a lot. Turns out- when I specifically ask for a more subtle approach, whether in the bedroom or in the kitchen- I actually like being touched! Hubby is actively working on this, but it appears to be really really really hard for him to just take it back a few notches and touch my hair or kiss my neck while I am getting breakfast ready (versus grinding up against me). He’s trying. 🙂 And I am loving his attempts at understanding and trying hard to reciprocate in a way that he appreciates. 😉
My wife tries these, but often (more days than not I’d say) she still can’t get into that frame of mind. She often says “Well, I think you’re just going to have to jump me.” By that she means just jump into sex, skip the foreplay. She knows that once we get started, her mind will catch up. It seems her libido is much more re-active than pro-active most of the time.
I’m a if-it-works gal, so go with that flow! Wives do tend to be reactive more than proactive, but really my list includes activities that can awaken that reaction in women ahead of time.
And you’re right, sometimes even when my husband and I start, I’m kind of “meh” about it…but pretty soon, that’s replaced by YES!
I couldn’t resist posting, because there *are* women out there like myself who love the playful “honks and grabs” from our husbands. I guess it just depends on your spouse and their personality. No matter what, learning what your spouse likes is most important, and I agree with doing anything to help get into the mood. Intimacy is SO important in marriage.
My hubby right now is spending weeks working out of town…so far it’s only been 4 day weeks but soon will be 5 day weeks. By the time he gets home on Friday night, boy howdy we are BOTH in the mood. I think it’s because I’ve been thinking all week long about it. :-/ It sucks having him out of town but lemme tell ya, the first night he’s back home is typically CRAZY awesome…and typically the moment he comes through the door we beeline for the bedroom hahaha. It really helps having all the thinking ahead and building up! Last week when he came home, he got to the apartment before I was off work, and so I came in the front door and there was a trail of hubby’s clothes and rose petals leading to the bathroom…where he was waiting for me in a bubble bath with candles and more rose petals. Let’s just say we weren’t in the tub for long. I even remember commenting to him I was surprised to find him there, I was expecting the trail to lead to the bed. 😉
“Pay attention. Whatever preparation you’ve done before, you still need to pay attention to what’s happening in the moment.” Excelent point! Be in the moment. And, remember wives, it is about mutual pleasure. Be sure to please him during the lovemaking as well.
I’m cool with the grabbing too. It’s more silly than sexual. I do t think we’re supposed to be turned on and they know that.