Pic from THE LADY EVE (1941)
Some of you have them . . . sexual fantasies. Perhaps you’ve heard something, read something, or merely imagined something that arouses your sexual senses and gets your engine humming. In your dream world, you’d do that very thing and it would be mind-blowing pleasure.
Should you share that sexual fantasy with your spouse?
Now I’m all for honesty in marriage, but I don’t think that honesty involves sharing every single thing that crosses your mind. Husbands often figure this out before wives do, when they learn how to answer the question, “Does this make me look fat?” Indeed, the Bible tells us not to lie, but also to be careful what we say and how we say it. “Watch your tongue and keep your mouth shut, and you will stay out of trouble” (Proverbs 21:23 NLT); “Speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people” (Titus 3:2 ESV).
We have a choice whether to volunteer to our mate the sexual thoughts that creep into our minds. So what should be the standard for whether we tell our spouse our sexual fantasy? Here are some things to consider.
Does it involve third persons? Your sexual energy should be focused on your spouse — both in practice and, as much as possible, in thought. Jesus said that looking at a woman lustfully rises the level of adultery (Matthew 5:28).
Of course we notice attractive people in our midst. As many have said before me, “I’m married, not dead.” But dwelling on the appearance of, or our desire for, another person becomes infidelity. We are focusing our sexual energy away from our mate and onto another.
Thus if your sexual fantasy involves a third person, it’s not one you want to share. In fact, it’s a fantasy you should shove out of your mind when it crops up. Come up with another fantasy — one that involves you and your mate exclusively.
Does it violate other commands about sexuality? Obviously, no beasts, right? (Exodus 22:19). But also no injury or degradation. These are not in keeping with the biblical commands for husbands to “love their wives as their own bodies” or for a wife to “respect her husband” (see Ephesians 5:25-33).
Consider whether you’d be asking for something that does not honor your husband and God. If so, it’s not a fantasy you want to share or act out. God is in favor of sexuality, including adventurous activities (read the Song of Songs for confirmation), but even in the bedroom, we should be treating one another with love and care.
Is it based on something you did with someone else? If you were sexually active with someone before, there will be some repeat activities. But comparisons are a no-no, as are efforts to recreate a special memory from a previous sexual relationship. So what if you liked the way that Mr. X did that one little thing eight years ago, and you wish you could do that again? Let it go.
Don’t try to make your spouse be like someone you knew before. Create new memories. Think of how your spouse can delight you in new and meaningful ways. Focus your sexual energy on your here-and-now hubby.
Are you demanding that your mate fulfill your fantasy? You might desire something that’s fine — like an unusual location or a particular sexy outfit or a new sexual activity. However, if you’re expecting to share your fantasy and demand on the spot that he meet it, take a step back. This is your sexual fantasy, not his.
You don’t have a right to demand something outside of his comfort zone and throw a fit if he doesn’t line up with your imagination. Indeed you have a right to expect sexual intimacy (1 Corinthians 7:3-5), but “extra” stuff is up for discussion, not demand. Your attitude, even in the bedroom, should be like that of Christ Jesus: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others” (Philippians 2:3).
If you take a loving attitude, and your request is not something sinful, you might find that over time, your spouse comes around and is willing to give it a try. If so, then your fantasy fulfilled will be even better because he’ll be “all in” and excited about the experience as well.
Are you ready to hear his fantasy? If you want him to listen to yours, you have to be willing to listen to his. You might absolutely love whatever idea he throws out, or you might cringe and think, “Holy heart-palpitations, I could never do that!!!”
But it’s only fair that you hear each other out. You don’t have to kowtow to his fantasy, but you also shouldn’t insult him for thinking of it. The idea that — for example — he wants to lay you out on your parents’ kitchen table and make you scream until the ceiling chandelier breaks shouldn’t result in you declaring that you can’t believe he would think that, and how are you supposed to go to Thanksgiving meal with your parents knowing that he wants to do that to you, and how can you ever sit at their table while thinking about how he’d like to move that basted turkey out of the way and baste you with sex juices instead!
You’re not required to do whatever his fantasy is, but listen to it, think what about it might appeal to him, and consider whether it’s something you would be willing to do or to suggest a tweaked version.
Have I shared my sexual fantasy with Spock (Mr. Hot, Holy & Humorous)? After many years of keeping it to myself, I did. In keeping with my advice about the best way to approach sexual issues, I brought up the subject away from our bedroom, while driving home after a good date. I first asked about his sexual fantasy, then shared mine.
I confess that I was nervous. But he was actually very receptive. Spock appreciated that I was thinking about our physical intimacy that way.
So what do you think? Have you shared your sexual fantasy with your spouse? Has your spouse shared one with you? How did that go? What other guidelines would you suggest for whether to share your sexual fantasies with your spouse?
Yes and yes. It was weird and awkward at first, but I made sure to make sure that what I was asking was also something God would approve of. My husband was more than happy to oblige. He then later told me some of his fantasies. There were some things I was not ready to try (may not ever be) but was open enough with him to talk about why and what else we could try instead. Because our conversation, as you said yours was, away from the bedroom it was easier because the sexual tension was not there. I think as long as you have an open and honest relationship full of respect and love for one another you should go for it. My husband was more than happy to spice up our sex life (as was I). Now we have certain things to look forward to when our kids are at Grandma’s! 🙂
Woo-hoo! Sounds like you two did a great job of respectfully sharing your fantasies and experimenting where you were both comfortable. 🙂
Yeah, I agree with your points. I would highly suggest sharing them if none of the reasons above prohibit sharing.
Have I? Yes, but I’ve noticed something between my wife and I. Our idea of a “fantasy” is very different.
Her’s seems to be an entire scene. There is back story (or a lead-up), there is a mood, lighting is specific, location is specific, and the action is less specific. It is the feeling that is important to her. It takes her like a paragraph or two to describe it.
Mine tend to be phrases. Barely a sentence. It’s just not that involved. And it’s all basically revolving around the same theme: A willing, active partner. (Which she is).
I love your take of the female fantasy! We wives often can see the whole scene in our heads, like a story played out. Thanks, Jay Dee.
This is so true! My husband and I went to Wichita one weekend to visit his grandma in the hospital. After we left the hospital Saturday night we decided to find something to eat and see what we could find to do. It wasn’t planned to be anything extravagant but it ended up being one of those “you feel like your in a romance movie” dates. Seems that everything just fell into place on accident, I don’t think it was (it was the big mans doing) because it really gave us the re-connection we needed at the time. Anyway I often think of that and having another experience like that is more than enough “fantasy” for me, plus that night had an even “happier” ending 🙂
J – I agree with everything you said. However, I think our goal should be to be able to share our fantasies. Doing that requires:
â–º Building a high level of trust.
â–º Making sure your spouse knows you would not put your fantasy ahead of their emotional, physcial and sexual comfort.
â–º Dealing with your own thoughts and desires so that you do not have sinful fantasies.
Granted that is a lot to accomplish, and many will never get there, but it is still a good goal.
You know, I agree with you too, Paul. How about that?
We’ve always been pretty open about this kind of stuff, but recently we found a cool app that strengthened things a bit.
It’s called Kindu. There a list of items that you rate as yes, no or maybe. Then your spouse goes through and rates them under their profile (both are PIN protected). Then it gives you a list of what was yes matches and what matched up as either a yes/maybe or maybe/maybe so you know what you can discuss as possible. Things that either one of you put “no” on don’t come up on the list so you don’t know what your spouse answered and they don’t know what you answered.
There weren’t a lot of surprises, if any, on ours, but it was nice to start discussions. And we loaded the category lists as Matches and Discussions into our Avocado app that we can take a look through for ideas if we need some inspiration.
Yay, technology! 🙂
I wanted to check this app out and see what it involved. I certainly don’t want to send readers to some terrible app or to overlook a fabulous resource. But I admit it: I’m just too cheap to spend the $1.99 to test it out. Maybe others can chime in. It sounds like an interesting concept.
Thanks for the comment!
I likely wouldn’t have paid the $2 if I hadn’t had a gift card.
There are some non-Biblical based stuff (there’s over 600 items, so there’s going to be) but it’s all text based, there’s nothing graphic.
And it produced some laughs as we were going through it, “wait, is that a real thing? People do that?”
But, the point of it is to find the common ground so all of those can be marked no and forgotten.
Finally revealing my hidden fantasies has made a world of difference in my marriage, which had become nearly devoid of intimacy over 20 years. I owned up to what I wanted in our love-making and by extention in our marriage. At first he didn’t “believe” me, because it involved submission, in a very, very biblical sense. We both grew up in the 70s and had been brainwashed that everything was “equal” and that submission was a dirty word, both in day-to-day living and in the bedroom. I specifically and respectfully told him my “fantasy” and told him I was giving him full “power” and control in our marriage. He didn’t believe it and thought it was just a game or phase. Knowing that I could only change me, I began submitting to him and recognizing him as my head of household. I began to honor him and respect him, even when there were times I normally would have rushed in and tried to take over as in the past. Through my actions and continued reminders that I sought his dominance, he saw a new relationship, and became much more amenable to the bedroom fantasies. It has literally saved our marriage. He now can see what connects me to him, and he is growing to want that too. We are very happy… So, I say communication is crucial, but then actions speak louder than words. When my husband understood that giving me this “fantasy/lifestyle” would draw me closer to him and make me feel more loved and protected, he was more willing to listen and give it a try.
As I’ve stated before, DesiringDiscipline, I don’t agree with your concept of “submission, in a very, very biblical sense.” I don’t think sexual submission in the bedroom (of the BDSM sense) is biblical; there is no indication that this type of relationship is part of God’s plan for marital intimacy.
However, I do appreciate your comment about talking with your spouse openly and seeing what you can do to improve your sexual intimacy. May God bless your marriage!
I come up with like 3 new ones a month and tell my husband. I’m the wilder one, but he’s always happy he tried my ideas!
3 new ones a month? Quite the imagination, huh? 🙂
I like your list of things to think through. My own process is slightly different, and has to do with the way my husband and I talk about … well, most things. We are still working out out ways of talking and acting on our fantasies, and what has been really helpful is sharing and working through these points together. I’ve had trouble figuring out just in my head whether something is helpful to our marriage, kind, building up, etc. And talking through these things with my husband has helped us both to work through it and figure it out. So I guess what I’m saying is that we work through similar points, but tend to do so together, which works really well for me, as I have had trouble coming to conclusions on my own.
Good for you! I think that being able to discuss it with your spouse is great, as long as it’s mutual and respectful.
Very good post. The thing I liked most about it was the use of the pronouns “he” and “him.” Almost the entire post was written from the perspective of a wife telling her husband of her fantasies. One big things was accomplished, whether by intent or accident. You gave women permission to have sexual fantasies and told them it was normal and okay under particular restrictions. Then you encouraged them to share them. You also told them to ask about and listen to the fantasies of their husband. Both sides are to do so with an open mind and compassionate heart and consider entertaining those fantasies to whatever extent possible. It was good to see a post acknowledging that women could have fantasies, shouldn’t be ashamed of having them, and should be willing to pursue them. Doing the same isn’t particularly easy for men either. No one wants to be disrespected or considered not normal, whatever that is deemed to be by whomever. Thanks for removing some of the unnecessary stigma.
Song of Songs 7:1-10 is my fantasy to give to my wife. How anyone interprets it is up to them and thr rest of the Word. 2:1-6 and 4:8-5:1 is great too. Lovely Yummy!
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