I’m so thrilled today to have Julie Sibert of Intimacy in Marriage on my blog! Julie is one of my favorite marriage bloggers and a fabulous friend. Let me tell you, folks: In real life, she’s just as wise, sincere, and funny as you see on the page.
And she’s writing about orgasm. I’m ready to read. How about you?
Okay, this one is for the ladies. (Feel free to tag along husbands. You might learn a few things too.)
I write about sexual intimacy in marriage, so obviously great orgasms are fairly high on my list of “All Things Married Couples Should Be Experiencing.” (The list exists only in my head, BUT if I ever wrote it out, “great orgasms” would be on it. No doubt.)
If you want a great orgasm, here are three tips:
1. Let the Clitoris Fulfill Its Purpose!
Sounds like a motivational seminar, doesn’t it?! Can you picture the marketing materials for that?
Seriously, though, I think it would do marriages a world of good if married folks would remember the purpose of the clitoris. I will give you an analogy that might help with this point.
Imagine that someone handed you the keys to a brand new race car, took you out to racetrack and said, “Take her for a spin.”
Would you hop in that driver’s seat, start the engine and let loose at a top speed of 45 mph? Or would you drop that gas pedal and feel what it’s like to drive over 100 mph?
Yes, powerful pleasure of that sort is scary and exhilarating and intense — all at the same time! That’s true about sexual pleasure too. If you are apprehensive about it, it’s good to keep in mind that sexual pleasure for a wife is the clitoris’s one job description, bestowed on it from our Creator.
Try to skirt around this as much as we may, the truth is sexual pleasure is a beautiful gift from God for married couples. Appreciating intense sexual pleasure is kind of like appreciating that driving a race car at more than 100 mph feels different and better than driving it at 45 mph.
Even if you are not a car person, my guess is you still recognize that when race car creators envision a car, they never see it just hanging out at 45 mph. Oh, the tragedy of poor little race cars that never get to fulfill their purpose.
Poor little clitoris. Waiting to drench you in waves of sexual pleasure. Will you let it?
2. Get to Know Your Body.
Appreciating the general purpose of the clitoris is a good start, but not nearly as fabulous as understanding specifically what you personally need to feel sexually aroused. Tip number 2 is “get to know your body.”
I think most wives would agree that it can take our bodies a while to warm up to the idea of sex. For many of you, this means foreplay that involves plenty of caressing, kissing and connecting with your husband emotionally and physically as you lead up to making love.
Don’t assume your husband knows what turns you on. Show him. Tell him. Teach him.
And for that matter, don’t assume you even know what turns you on. I always find it ironic when people think that newlyweds have the best sex right from the start. You know who more likely is experiencing remarkable sexual pleasure? Married couples who have intentionally spent time learning each other’s bodies.
It’s okay to explore your body and to allow your husband to explore it. Intentional exploration and communication are bound to lead to somewhere profound. If there were road signs for this journey, “Great Orgasm Up Ahead” would be flashing in neon.
3. Lean into the Pleasure.
What. In. The. World. Does. That. Mean? Lean into the pleasure.
In simplest terms, when sexual pleasure builds, let your body feel it. Fall into it. Don’t shy away from it.
Honestly, I think this is one of the biggest stumbling blocks, especially for Christian wives. For some reason, we often associate intense sexual pleasure with sin. No wonder so many wives resist it or are scared of it.
Strive to walk in the truth, though. When you are enjoying sexual pleasure in an exclusive God-honoring sexual relationship with your husband, you are pleasing God, not disappointing Him.
So when you feel that sexual sensation that really can’t be put into words, focus on it and lean into it. Receive it for what it is and be grateful for it.
Not only is this good for you, but it’s good for your husband too. If he is like most husbands, he wants to see his wife in the grips of intense sexual pleasure. It turns him on to turn you on.
So, there you have it. 3 Tips on Having a Great Orgasm. You didn’t even need to go to a motivational seminar. Or buy a race car.
Julie Sibert writes and speaks about sexual intimacy in marriage. You can follow her blog at www.IntimacyInMarriage.com. She lives in Omaha, Nebraska, with her husband, their two boys and one rambunctious German Shorthair Pointer dog who refuses to stay in the fence.
I experience orgasms easily and regularly, but they really just aren’t as spectacular as everyone says they are. What am I missing? Any suggestions? My husband is willing ro work to make them better, as am I, but I’m fairly new on the journey of really seeing why sex is so important to our marriage. This is a big road block to me, becuase I still am not convinced that taking the time for sex is worth it just to enjoy feeling good together. I get building a marriage, but I’m not getting the pleasure part. Does anyone else have this issue?
Just wondering, but are you sure it’s orgasm you’re experiencing? You can get lots of pleasant tingly sensations without going over into orgasm. When you have an orgasm, it’s like a wild ride and leaves you gasping and breathless at the end. At least it is for me.
Of course, it may be that your orgasms are just shorter and less intense. If that is the case, it could be because you’re getting there too soon. Try building and backing off a few times to build anticipation before you let yourself go over. Tease your senses until you really, really want release. It seems to me that the times when it’s been the hardest and taken the longest to get there, that it’s the most rewarding.
I’m curious how long you’ve been married?
To speak to the “is it worth it just to feel good together”… For me it’s not as much the “pleasure” as the intimacy that makes sex so important to me in my marriage. Yes, finding pleasure together is part of that intimacy, but remove the unabashed nakedness and intimacy and it’s just a cheap thrill. And to be honest, there have been sexual experiences with my husband that have been more about the orgasm than the intimacy and those always leave me feeling unfulfilled and empty.
As far as less than spectacular orgasms, I’ve been there and am still there at times. Kindof like a dud firework. Lots of pleasure in the foreplay, lots of build up and then just a quick weak pop of pleasure. One thing I learned was to have my husband keep me going if that happens and often there is a stronger orgasm waiting around the corner. I have to come down a bit so things are not quite so sensitive, but then he can usually get me going again and then the fireworks explode. But not always.. it’s never a guarantee. The other thing I’ve noticed is that I’m able to have a much better orgasm if I’m able to really let loose vocally. With teenagers in the house though, that isn’t always possible, so when the O is coming I tend to back off to keep from screaming out. I’m trying to figure out how to not back off, but it seems instinctual when I’m trying to keep quiet. Therefore we take full advantage of an empty house when it works out that everyone is gone. That is when I experience my best orgasms for the most part.
I hope I’ve helped a bit 🙂
Sounds like we just need to keep plugging away! Intimacy is aways good here, and sex IS worth it for that reason. I think I probably need to relax, let go of a few old habits, and keep working on feeling good. We been married 7 years, and I’m definitely having orgasms. It was better when we were younger, and I think I’ve just let things kind of slip over time, probably during the years when I used my easy orgasm as an excuse to wrap things up quickly. I get fr0ustrated with how much time it takes to repair a few years worth of damage to my marriage becuase of gate-keeping.
Thanks for the advice! We have been married for several years, have always had sex regularly (except when medically a “no no”), and I just don’t orgasm. We finally bought a vibrator, and the one time I/we used it I did get to orgasm…wow! However, shortly thereafter I found out I was pregnant and we don’t feel comfortable using the vibrator for the baby’s sake. This difficulty to climax for me is a frustrating part of our sex lives, and any additional tips would be appreciated!
The vibrator will NOT hurt the baby AT ALL. Neither will the orgasms. Enjoy yourselves.
As for your frustration, you’re obviously getting some sort of stimulation from the vibration that you’re not ordinarily. That can be a fun area for exploration.
Perhaps one of the most powerful aids to orgasm is a positive mindset. Relax, let go of your inhibitions, and enjoy. As well, tell your husband what helps you to get there. He wants you to orgasm, too.
All the suggestions are good, but it’s frustrating when I just cannot O during intercourse and it takes me FOREVER through OS or other stimulation to get there. I would give anything to be able to O easily and every time without all the work…I often think too if that were the case my husband would want to make love more often. I worry that the decline in our lovemaking is because I take too long and although my husband is always willing to pleasure me first and says that is the best foreplay for him, I think he may sometimes just want a quickie w/o taking care of me, but feels obligated because he knows how important having an O is for me.
I often feel that if we made love more often I wouldn’t feel the need to have an O every time, but when I know it could very well be six days before we make love again I really want to. Is that being selfish?
I’m definitely the higher drive spouse and my husband was once of the mindset that most women just don’t need to O to enjoy sex and one time even said to me that having an O is not what it’s all about…coming from a man that has no problem with it. 😉 I did explain to him that I too enjoy that intense pleasure and I may not be a man, but even I feel the need for a release, so to speak, more than once a week.
Is it selfish on my part to be so intent on having an O each time, even if it takes up to 30 minutes? How do I just let that expectation go, especially knowing it will be a week until next time? I hate feeling like all I think about is getting to an O, but it makes me feel much more connected with my husband, helps me sleep and just puts me in a better mood overall. And I notice too that on the rare occasion we make love several times a week we are more content and playful with each other.
Sitting here yearning for my husband… 🙁
BTW, his work hours make it hard to have time during the week to make love, but we have tried on occasion to make it happen. By Friday I’m beyond frustrated with no sex for five days or more.
Speaking as a guy:
No, it’s NOT selfish for you to want an O every time. Most husbands LIKE pleasuring their wives. If your husband doesn’t, there’s something wrong with HIM, not you. So when he says that pleasuring you the best foreplay for him, he’s probably telling the truth.
It seems like you want more sex. Ask him for it. Talk about this. Make it easy for him to say “yes”. If he’s coming home late from work, be ready for him. (And I mean READY for him, if you catch my drift.) “Sext” him before he gets off work to know what’s waiting for him.
You both seem to like more sex, but you’re going to have to work to make it happen. It’s worth the effort.
Oh, and the more you O, the easier it gets. (For men, it’s the opposite.)
It boils down to communication. Your husband is not a mind reader, and frankly many men do not pick up on subtlety. We have been married 23 years and from time to time I need to gently remind my dear wife I am a bit more obtuse than she is.
You may need to modify the way you have intercourse, there are some positions that work very fast for my wife and some that do not work at all.
Try a different time of day, maybe your husband is exhausted after a long day of work, thus the desire for it to be over quickly. If he works an odd hours for work, consider changing your schedule to his. Making love before work is a great way to begin a day!
Thank you both for your replies. It is nice to hear a man’s perspective on this too.
I do believe my husband when he says I don’t take too long…he often says, “you take just the right amount of time.” But still, there is always that little voice in the back of my head telling me it’s taking too long, I think that’s just a woman thing.
My husband is up at 3am and home by 4pm, but with two teenagers in the house (my two boys from my first marriage) it makes jumping into bed late afternoon a little hard. We have been trying at least once during the week to have me come in when he goes to bed at 7pm and “take my evening shower”. 😉 One time I told my youngest son I was going to take a quick shower and about 30 min later he sent me a text asking if I had gone to bed! Well, sorta… LOL
I have talked to my husband about wanting to make love more often and he has been very understanding, and tried. But honestly, I think part of it is his age (58) and dealing with ED because of blood pressure meds that makes his desire less than it was. I try not to take it personally, but hey, as we all know it’s hard not to wonder why our spouse does not desire us like they once did.
Last Friday afternoon was special since he got home earlier than usual last Friday and both the boys were gone until that night. He said he knew of a good way to spend the afternoon and led me to the bedroom.
My husband is a wonderful man and so loving and caring towards me. So I shouldn’t complain about not enough sex, but it’s just so much fun with him I crave more of it! 🙂
This is an embarassing problem for me but I am wondering if there is something wrong. My husband stimulates my clitoris with his hand and I have good orgasms with it but when I do go into orgasm, I’m pretty sure that some pee comes with it. What am I to do? Its very embarassing for me.
No need to be embarrassed! Check out my post on Female Ejaculation: Is It Real?
I often have an ejaculation with manual stimulation, and for the most part it is indeed not urine, BUT, there are also times when I know that it is a mix of urine and fluid. I try to always empty my bladder before sex, but if I’ve had a lot of liquid beforehand is when it is more likely that I pee along with ejaculating. It bothers me a little bit, but my husband tells me to just enjoy and not let it bother me. If he doesn’t care, I guess I won’t either.
Thank you for all the replies. Since this happens to me we have designated one of our blankets just for sex purposes so that our bed doesn’t get wet. I admit to getting embarassed about it but I can’t complain about the orgasms, they feel great :).
So I’m finally here! Some great suggestions from commenters for getting into that heart-thumping, body-curling experience we call orgasm.
Here’s my quick take: Be willing to help a guy out. If your husband is willing to spend time and help you reach orgasm (and he should be, by the way), then you need to help him out by communicating what feels good, teaching him what you like, and even perhaps being willing to reach down and add your own hand to the mix. You might be able to reach orgasm sooner or more intensely if you also stimulate your clitoris while he’s working on your vagina or what-have-you. Is this weird the first time? Um, yeah. Will he mind? Probably not, since a lot of hubbies report that it’s even a turn-on for them to see how into the experience you are. Will it help? It could, especially if you’re close but can’t quite get there.
One more thing: Frankie Says Relax. (Just kidding. Channeling my 80s tunes there.) But do RELAX. If you’re on the way and tense up, your body can resist the final Woo-hoo! Relax your body, focus on the physical sensations, and let them wash over your body.
Best wishes with the Big O!!!
I used to be able to “O” multiple times pretty easily. However since having kids that is no longer the case. I can honestly say, though, that I am generally satisfied. I’m the opposite of most women and cannot achieve orgasm with clitoral stimulation- it is the rare occasion I actually like any stimulation there. Usually it is so intense my body interprets it as pain. I am a G-spot girl I can’t help with that. My hubs is always willing to get me there but because I’m so used to not having one that getting close is SO intense I almost don’t like it!
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Talking about patient, loving husbands. Mine does everything he can, on a regular basis, but I’ve never been able to ‘o’ at all. I think my body just doesn’t work that way. Married for one and a half years. Sometimes I get so tense, I hate what I feel like when we’re done (because he’s exhausted after an hour or more) I don’t even want it for me anymore, just for him, because he tries so hard.