So what’s the most embarrassing moment you’ve had during a sexual encounter with your spouse? Here are a few that many married couples will experience at one time or another.
The clothes won’t come off.
Did anyone else watch “Happy Days”? I remember Richie Cunningham being worried about how to unhook a bra. (Thankfully, it was a family comedy, and to my knowledge he was too good a guy to actually do that.) But as his best friend “Potsie” proclaimed, “You don’t just say ‘open sesame,’ and it unhooks!”
It can be awkward trying to remove clothing: He goes for the bra hook in the back, and it’s actually in the front. His boxers gets stuck in the zipper, and you can’t get the pants off. He pulls your shirt over your head, and your earring catches (“Ow! Stop!”). In the passionate rush to get naked, the last thing you expect is a wardrobe malfunction. It’s like driving down the highway at 65 mph and suddenly hitting a parking-lot-style traffic jam.
Just pause and deal with the issue at hand. No one has ever been entirely unable to remove clothing and had to walk around with his boxers stuck in his pants zipper for days. You’ll get it worked out, and then the fun can continue.
You wore those panties today.
You know the ones. That pair of underwear that sits in the back of your undies drawer and comes out only on days when you’re feeling crampy or forgot to do laundry . . . or you just felt like being lazy and super-comfortable. Suddenly, he proposes a little recreational activity, and you’re game. Why not? Until . . .
Oh no! You realize a little too late that you’re wearing those panties — the ones that remind him of his frumpy and grumpy grandmother with that one blackened tooth. Hardly the image you want him to have for your lovemaking moment.
You can ignore it and see if he even notices (He might not if he’s focused on getting those panties off you). You can brush it off with a joke: “Hey, you said I looked sexy in anything I wore. Just testing that theory.” Or you can excuse yourself briefly before he catches sight of the granny panties: “Hold that thought. I’ll be right back.” Then you can return and let him discover you not wearing undies (always a hit).
Fumbling, stumbling, and tumbling.
I’m putting all of these in one category, because it’s essentially about physical awkwardness and possible injury as a result. Examples? He lies on top to kiss you and yanks your hair. You trip on your way to the bed. You reach over to stroke him . . . and rack his balls. He starts to thrust and your head begins to whack the headboard. You fall off the bed.
When you imagine the perfect sex, just remember that movie sex is choreographed. Real sex is two independent people joining their bodies together in intimacy and pleasure. Sometimes it looks like a contest-winning ballroom dance . . . and sometimes it looks like your first attempt to do the Macarena (“Where do my hands go?”).
If you injure your partner, apologize, readjust, and move on. Be willing to laugh at the ridiculousness of the moment, because this is just one more memory that the two of you alone will share and smile about later. And ladies, be gentle with his testicles. From what I can tell, it’s like being shocked in the nether regions when a husband gets racked during sex.
Gaseous moments.
Has one of you ever farted in your bed? No? (Oh, that was from the couple married just one week. Just wait, newlyweds, it will eventually happen.)
“Hey, I think I’ll eat a pot of beans and fart right as we’re beginning sex tonight!” said no one ever. If your beloved farts before, during, or after a sexual encounter, it wasn’t intentional. They couldn’t help it. Your response may depend on whether it’s a flatulence noise, sound + stink, or what my husband calls an SBD (silent but deadly). But whether you stay put or create a little distance until things settle down, try not to act like it’s a huge deal or like your husband just couldn’t wait to drop that bomb in the bedroom. And if you did the farting, smile and say “oops,” then move on. Of course, you could also do what I’ve done: Blame the cat.
Another gas-related moment is the queef. What is a “queef”? A queef is a vaginal fart. It’s not uncommon for sexual thrusting to plug up some air into the vaginal passage that then gets released in a farting noise . . . right from the ol’ hooha.
When this happens, what’s a proper lady to say? (Really. I have no idea what a proper lady would say.)
Most men are aware that this happens, and that it isn’t the same as a stink-bomb from the other place. It can be a tiny sound or a rather big one, but either way it’s your body’s natural way of expelling extra air. It shouldn’t change anything you do sexually. Just think of it like sound effects. Laugh a little and keep going.
Somebody walks in.
That “somebody” can be your child, your house guest, your parent, your in-law — anyone who’s in the same location with you and can work a door knob. It’s likely the most embarrassing moment of all, because it’s no longer just between you and the hubster. Your private moment has been invaded! (Let’s hope they at least didn’t see those panties.)
How does this happen when you’re very careful? I’ve heard of couples who locked the door, but the door didn’t shut all the way, so it didn’t take. Others are in locations where locking the door isn’t an option. Perhaps they were supposed to be alone all night, but their kid unexpectedly stopped by to grab something he forgot. Maybe the in-laws came for a surprise visit. (“Surprise!…Oh. My.”). Also, I have one child who could pick a basic lock at age three. You never know what could happen.
If it’s a young child and you can gloss over the moment easily, go ahead. They do not need to be privy to your sexual life. They will eventually figure out that Mom and Dad play a different version of Twister, but they don’t need the details . . . especially at a young age.
If the young child sees quite a bit, you may need to explain in simple terms, like “Mom and Dad are having special married couple time” or “Sometimes mommies and daddies like to get naked and touch. God made that a special thing for marriage.” Use your own words and gauge what information is right for your child. But don’t feel compelled to make this an hour-long birds-and-bees talk just because they saw their parents having sex.
But if it’s an older kid, teenager, or adult, and they could tell what was happening (no matter what stage you were at), they don’t need explanations. They knew what was happening and now want to bleach their brains (the teenagers, twice). Send them out and/or cover up quickly, then trade apologies — them for barging in, you perhaps for not barring their entrance. Suggest ways to avoid something like that happening in the future. And if it takes a while before you can make eye contact with them, yeah, that’s understandable. It is rather embarrassing.
But all of these embarrassing moments can be survived. In fact, these moments can become the stories you tell each other that get you laughing. Eventually, you can compile The Varied Adventures of Marital Sex. (Hey, I’m already on Volume 2 in my marriage.)
So what’s been your most embarrassing moment during sex? What other embarrassing things can happen while making love with your spouse?
once while our children were at grandma’s for the night, I did in fact fall off of the bed. I ended up pinching a nerve in my back-that was interesting to explain to doctors and friends and family who had to help take care of my toddler…
I am so thankful that my husband and I find the clothing, fumbling, and gas as funny and entertaining moments. We have always responded to these with laughter. I love not having to worry about embarrassing moments with him. It makes it easier to relax and enjoy our time together.
One time my husband and I (only married for a year at that point) hadn’t seen each other for 2 weeks and met up at his family reunion, where we stayed in a rental house with his parents. That night we thought they were asleep and I ended up getting preeeetty LOUD and afterwards we realized his mom was still up and right outside our room. It has obviously never been mentioned but I think about it every time we go visit them!! My husband could have cared less, he was just really proud of himself…
Oh my word…this had me laughing so hard! By the way, it was just recently announced that there is a new bra out there that will unstrap itself at the clap of a hand. Sort of like a clap on clap off mechanism…for all the guys out there that fumble with this 🙂
I saw that! It was hilarious, and I wondered who on earth would buy it? 😀
I think this would be a REALLY bad idea… you’d have guys walking around in public clapping their hands just to see who “busted out”.
Nope, bad idea.
For the queef, a southern lady might say, “Well, bless MY heart!” 🙂
LOL! Exactly!
Oh, WHERE to start?!? Hahahahaha!!!
That whole section on tumbling, fumbling, and stumbling? Yeah, that’s us! Over our 26 years of marriage, I have pulled her hair (accidentally of course!), we’ve banged our heads on headboards (is THAT why they’re called HEAD boards???), weird noises have been made… oh yeah!
This entire post had me rolling! LOL
Thanks for the Monday morning crackup, J! Loved it!
Major Queefs…that went on and on as we laughed more and more!
Thinking the condo was sound proof only to have his friends staying dowbstairs smiling knowingly at as and snickering the next morning. Otherwise,I hate queefs….they kill the mood. Hubby told me that they’re funny, but unsexy. I’ve accidentally dug hubby with my nails while self stimming during intercourse. I farted on him during OS. I…ahem….showered him with female ejaculation during OS. He’s burped in my mouth while kissing. He’s darted, too. Slipped, fumbled, bumped, banged, tripped while removing underwear….
During an attempt at ‘reverse cowgirl’ my wife queefed badly numerous times. Kinda ended ever trying that again. (Kinda off topic, but do those feel uncomfortable to you ladies? My wife says they hurt. Kinda like trying to compress air in there.)
During a nature hike we decided to do a quickee off the trail. What to do about clean up? One of my socks did the trick! Walking out, someone saw us and noticed I only had 1 sock on (they gave me a strange look). But hey, it was a memory we snicker about to this day.
Not so humorous, but happens, the occasional jagged fingernail or rough calous on the shaft, sack, nipple or labia. Not good! (We are country folk. We don’t have pampered hands.)
I love this post! At almost 2 years of marriage, my husband and I are far enough in to have experienced our fair share of embarrassing moments in/out of bed. Honestly, I kind of like them. Like you said in the post, it’s something to laugh about between us only and no one else! The fact that my husband still loves me, finds me sexy, and wants to be with me even AFTER I accidentally threw up (just a little) on him while giving him oral sex (omg I wanted to die), makes me KNOW I picked the right guy and feel even more confident in his love! I mean, if he still finds me sexy after that, he must REALLY love me!:) I wouldn’t want every sexual experience we have to be filled with laughter, but having them sprinkled in throughout definitely isn’t bad.
We just recently spent the night at a fancy old hotel, and I thought we were alone on our floor (it’s in a very small town in the off season). In the midst of our passion we heard a bed creak next door, right on the wall next to our bed that sounded like they were right there! I was so embarrassed, but Husband kept going and could’ve cared less! And our bed squeaked, at that! Everything was old in this place (but nice). I was just hoping no children were in that room to hear us!
Another time, my husband was performing oral sex on me head down and I accidentally passed gas. Oh. my. Poor guy! But we laughed a lot over that one after I apologized profusely! It didn’t deter him!
Yikes! lol
As to other embarrassing or unexpected things that can happen during sex . . . There was one time when I (much younger than now) was so aroused even prior to my wife starting oral sex on me, that very quickly after she started, I climaxed. She was surprised and said “Well, that didn’t take long.” I apologized, and we both laughed.
Another thing that can and does happen now and then, is for a husband to be thrusting vigorously during doggy style and then, on his out-stroke, retreats too far and thus ends up completely outside his wife’s vagina. Unexpected, but not the end of the world, although it does interrupt the stimulation for his wife.
I AM newly wed, and I think we’ve done all of these except for someone walking in on us. My FAVORITE one though was when he spilled an ENTIRE bottle of lube on our bed! The sheets are still stained, the mattress is stained and we still laugh about it. We just changed the sheets and then…carried on! 🙂 It was pretty funny. And for the record, his farts are the WORST (one literally woke me up this morning…) so I tell him if he feels the need during sex to just pause and go to another room and he just laughs and actually does it! 🙂 We like to laugh at ourselves…we don’t take those things seriously and I love it!!!
Muscle cramps at the most inopportune time sometimes are embarrassing.
The first real time we experienced the farting thing, we were in the normal missionary position. She let a huge one go. We laughed. I just happened to then do the same, and we laughed so hard (still engaged in said position) that she started to urinate all over me. I jumped off and she just laid in the bed, laughing, and peeing all over the bed. We still chuckle over it to this day.
I was very pregnant and on iron pills, so all the women know what happens to the GI tract at that point….lots of constipation! Little firm pellets sometimes…well, being pregnant and very big around the belly, I was the one on top. Just as I start to orgasm, I of course have legs spread apart pretty far and I went down pretty hard and I feel my husband jump and start to move me over to the side. I am in a daze, wondering what the heck he is doing and he says to me, something like “I think you just pooped on me!” We turn on the lights and there is a little pea size rabbit pellet looking thing on the bed. Ugh. Talk about embarrassing!
One time my husband was on top and our faces were very close. When he pulled his head up he got this strange look on his face. I asked him if something was wrong and then realized there was liquid on my face. He had gotten a bloody nose (just because of dry air, not an injury thankfully) and most of the blood was on my face! I had been so focused on pleasure that I didn’t even notice! The only unfortunate part was that we had to stop so he could get kleenex for his nose and so I could wipe his blood off my face. Other than that, we’ve been walked in on or overheard, and we’ve giggled through farts and fumbling.
I like this past. I love that sex is not always perfect and that two people who love each other and are committed to each other can laugh about mishaps.
Such a funny post! Many of these things have happened to us, and we just laugh and keep going. Although it is embarrassing for the person who commits the faux pas.
Dh trying to hands free enter me and he was way off. I was like, “what are you doing?” He’s like, “trying to get in you.” I say, “honey, wrong hole!” (We are both not into anal.)
One of my worst was creating a costume for the bedroom only to have him laugh at me and not have sex. I felt so silly and vulnerable and embarrassed. He later told me that it was funny, but he appreciated it.
Of course you know we’re all wondering now what the costume was. 😉
Yes, it’s usually a good idea to guide him in.
It was a nurse costume. Bra, white silk string bikini panties, sheer tiny skirt, white thigh highs. He had been ill, was still in recovery, but our sex life had resumed.
We’re proficient enough now to do hands free entering in missionary.
Most embarrassing moment easy lol. We had a bottle of heating lube & massage oil by the same maker side by side. I grabbed the oil insteead of lube & can you say FIRE!!!! That’s what it felt like we both screamed & ran to wash off. This is not advised for recreation lol
All the usual have happen in our bedroom. The one that sticks out was when we were the heated session rear entry and she swung back and elbowed me in the nose. I immediately began bleeding. I was okay but we laughed for days about that
We broke the bed. Yep. Thank goodness it was our own bed, but still very funny. We were pretty hot and heavy, then all of a sudden, BOOM! The support boards holding the bed together came apart and one corner of the bed hit the floor. My husband and I are runners, so we are fairly fit, so it wasn’t just that we had too much weight on the poor bed.Â
Worse part of the whole ordeal was our poor dogs sleep under our bed. They were all kind of shaken up.
Fear not, no dogs or humans were injured! We still laugh about it now.Â
One time my wife and I stayed at her parents for a bit and of course we had sex. We were using condoms at the time and one time we just could not find the condom wrapper after and eventually gave up looking for it. A month later my MIL found it and thought one of her younger daughters was up to no good in the guest room. My wife had to fess up that it was ours.
Great post – I’ve considered writing down all the funny things that have happened in our sex-life and we’ve only been married for 6 months.
The funniest so far would have to be one time when we had just finished ‘doggy-style’ and hubby grabbed a cloth to clean-up (I was still in position…) and a giant queef went off in his face – gave him the shock of his life! Just thinking about it makes us both giggle!
One time my wife and I were coming home from a great date night and kids were not home. Things were getting steamy on the car ride home (verbally) and when we pulled in the garage she decided she couldn’t wait to get inside the house, so we spend the next 20 minutes in the car steaming up the windows. Only problem was we forgot to close the garage door and the neighbors were having a party. So as we finished up we saw a number of people walking to there cars past our house. We got some smirks from our neighbors every time we talked to them for a while after that.
Ha! So funny. I’m surprised you didn’t receive at least thumbs-up from the men (“Good job, dude.”). LOL.
Me too… Think they were a bit jealous! I was equal amounts proud and embarrassed!
We broke a bed too! It was in a German hotel, we were newlyweds, and one of the boards supporting the mattress snapped under our passion… SUPER embarrassing to report that to the front desk!!! But they said it happens all the time. 🙂
Well, now I just feel left out. Wonder if we can break the bed tonight… 😉
One time, I was pulling his undies off by the waistband, and it accidentally slipped and snapped back on a very sensitive area. Ooops. Poor guy – he recovered quickly and we went on, but I am extra careful now.
Glad to know I am not the only one who have such moment in sex.
Our 1 1/2-year-old walked in on us as we were doing it one time so we told him several times “Go to your room and play with your turtle!” After a confused look he finally went to his room then came running back in and shoved it on the bed next to us, pushing the button that turned on the music and lights just as my husband was climaxing. He almost died laughing. :^)
We’ve been married for nearly 10 months and have had all sorts of similar accidents but the funniest things tend to happen when my husband gets creative. Last week he thought that he would make oral sex more fun by adding a little flavour to his private parts, unfortunately he didn’t realise how much toothpaste can burn sensitive areas and when I tasted what he had done I couldn’t stop laughing. Apparently he went for toothpaste because he knows how much I like mint, but I don’t think he’ll be trying it again any time soon. I’ve now ordered a bottle of flavoured lubricant to say thank you and to prevent further injury.
This made me laugh! After 16 years we’ve had our share of mishaps. One early on we were on the bed missionary style… Suddenly my husband starts batting behind him and eventually rolls off. It’s then that I see our pug had climbed on him and was sniffing his naked butt. We still laugh about it (and always make sure doors are securely shut!).
Oh man, I just read this post and all the comments and just spent the last 15 minutes laughing my head off! Hysterical! It’s so nice to know that the funny stuff happens to everyone! We’ve had everything happen except getting walked in on (no kids yet). One of my favorite memories is when we were staying at my grandma’s (with my parents and siblings). My grandma had us in her room, she stayed in the den (adjoining wall w/ her room) and my parents were in the guest room (also had an adjoining wall w/ my grandma’s room). We had problems with having sex the first few months of our marriage because I had to have my hymen removed, so this was just when we were finally getting the hang of things. We had to be really careful to not bang the headboard against the wall, and I about bit my tongue to keep quiet, but it was SO much fun. 😀
We were at my parents house and we thought they had left for an event, came upstairs after some super hot and heavy, talking about how good it was and when we wanted to do it again, and heard something. Turns out my dad was having a nap and leaving later… Poor man.