What I Wish I’d Known before the Wedding Night

On Monday, Eric and Heather Viets from Preengaged.com were here advising How Much Should You Learn about Sex before the Wedding Night? With their background in engagement and pre-engagement counseling and their godly wisdom, the Vietses were the perfect couple to address that issue.

But their post got me thinking. If I could go back and give my pre-sex self a few pointers, what would I say?

Pic from Microsoft Word Clip Art

Pic from Microsoft Word Clip Art

Now we’re going to pretend that my wedding night is the first time I have sex. Because that’s what I should have done; that’s when my godly sex life began; and that’s how I believe God sees me now, having extended to me His forgiveness and redemption. Anyway . . . here’s what I wish I’d known right before my wedding night.

Awkward and clumsy are natural in the bedroom. Listen, honey, you aren’t filming a love scene for a movie featured at the Sundance Film Festival. Don’t worry about how you look, getting it “right,” or even falling off the bed. If you fall, laugh and get back up. Your hubby will laugh with you (not at you) and help you get back up.

You’re there to grow closer to one another and have a good time. So let go and enjoy! Indeed, some of your awkward/clumsy moments will become cherished memories that demonstrate how comfortable and authentic you can be in this marriage.

Yes, it’s big, but it will fit. The first time I saw a flaccid penis, I figured, “I can see how that would work.” The first time I saw an erect penis, I thought, “OH. MY. GOD.” Seriously, I wondered what God was thinking and how something that size would ever fit in the space that once freaked at the thought of a slim tampon.

But God knew exactly what He was thinking and creating. (He always does.) Yeah, your husband’s penis is not small, but your vagina has superpowers — like Elastigirl from The Incredibles. God made it stretchy and able to adapt to his size. With lubricant and acclimation, hubby’s manhood will slide right in . . . and feel superpower good.

Pee before and after. If I was less blunt, I would have nicely said, “Eliminate your bladder before and after sexual intercourse” — just like my gynecologist said it. About ten years after I got married. *eye roll*

I could have saved myself a few urinary tract infections and the accompanying discomfort if only I’d simply taken the time to use the toilet both before and after having sex. Admittedly, it’s not always possible to get to a potty before you and the hubster start going at it, but after is pretty much a given. You can “afterglow” later, right after you empty your bladder. There’s no guarantee that you’ll never get an infection with this practice, but it does help.

He won’t think you’re a crazy nympho if you really, really participate. Making noise, making faces, making motions, making like you’re having the time of your life: Yeah, none of that will make your husband think you’re a sex-crazed freak who should be contained in a straitjacket and only let out on Wednesdays to do laundry. In fact — brace yourself — he’ll like it.

One of the biggest turn-ons for a husband is knowing that his wife is enjoying their sexual intimacy. Watching you “get into it” is, well, awesome in his book. Release your inhibitions and surrender to the experience. Your husband will seek your pleasure and revel in it. Moreover, that’s what God intended — for you both to seek one another’s good and become one flesh, even in the bedroom.

Take your time. Once you begin the actual intercourse, things may be over pretty quickly. On the wedding night. At least for him. Finally being inside you may well send him over the hump like a racing roller coaster over that first hill.

So take your timeย beforehand. And not only to draw out the sexual experience, but to get to know one another’s bodies and to savor all the delights of foreplay. Lovemaking is the whole kit-and-caboodle — not merely penetration, but kissing and stroking and fondling and pleasuring one another. So slow down and enjoy the entire thing.

You will be sore, just like you were after your first aerobics class. Hey, you’re using muscles you haven’t used before. What do you expect? But just like exercise, you shouldn’t respond by deciding it hurts too much that you have to stop doing it.

Be gentle, be careful, but keep up the “exercise.” Your body will get used to it, and sex will no longer hurt. Your husband can also help you acclimate by massaging your opening with his fingers, by helping to make sure you are fully lubricated before he enters, and by adjusting the angle at which he penetrates to avoid over-stretching or tearing.

Of course, “sore” isn’t the same as “excruciating.” So if it hurts like a hot poker, press pause on the intercourse and call your doctor. (You can check out my post about painful sex here.)

So those are some practical tips I’d give myself before the wedding night? What would you tell your pre-wed, pre-sex self to prepare her for sexual intimacy?

62 thoughts on “What I Wish I’d Known before the Wedding Night

  1. Gods Daughter

    Thanks for this! i’m not yet married, neither have had sex before in my life!!! i deeded to know this things!

    Thanks

    1. J Post author

      Good for you maintaining your virginity! Keep it up. Purity b4 marriage + intimacy after marriage = godly sexuality! ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. philia

    Hi J. I stumbled on ur blog and I’ve been following each post ever since. I’m about getting married and I’m soo excited to read this! My fiance and I are both saved. I’m a virgin and my fiance is not. We’ve discussed sex before and he told me he loves sex. I’m a bit scared cos I don’t know how it’ll turn out or if I’ll be clumsy or something, but equipped with this knowledge,I now know what to expect and what to do too…God bless u 4 ur sincerity. I used to feel odd because I love the topic of sex though a godly woman.I felt I was abnormal..but now,I know God wants me to enjoy this precious gift at the right time which is soon!!!

    1. J Post author

      Thanks! And kudos to you for remaining a virgin before marriage. Just take time to get to know each other. Blessings!

  3. Bethany Turner

    What I would add to your “Yes, its big. But it will fit section” is to ask your doctor for some stretching exercises before your wedding night. It may seem a little awkward to stretch yourself, but trust me, it will help tremendously the night of.

    1. Lauren

      Along with the “yes it’s big” part: when I was engaged, someone told me about the size and I was terrified to the point of dreading sex instead of being excited, but then a sweet married woman finally put my mind at ease with this advice: it will fit, EVENTUALLY. It may not fit on the wedding night, and that’s OK! You have a lifetime to work on it. He loves you and he doesn’t want to hurt you, so if it hurts, say so! He doesn’t have to put it in any farther. It’s OK to take your time. He’ll still enjoy it ๐Ÿ˜‰

      1. Rachel

        I was going to comment on the “yes, it’s big!” point – I also couldn’t believe it when I first got married! Tampons had given me much grief and pain, and I couldn’t believe how he could EVER fit into me!! On the wedding night we didn’t have intercourse, but in the next couple of days (after some gentle stretching and playing) it worked! I think I was just so shocked in the moment that “it fit!”

      2. Anon

        I have to agree with this. The first few times my husband and I tried to have sex, well – no, it didn’t fit and it hurt like hell. Even with a lot of lube and foreplay, it didn’t work out. For the first few months of our marriage, this was a major struggle. I went to the doc and was told everything was normal and darn! how I’d hoped something was wrong with my anatomy. Continue to take things slowly, thank your husband for being patient and loving, express how you wish it was going more easily, and take heart that God is with you.

    2. Bethany A.

      Bethany Turner- I just HAD to reply. I usully notice when I share the same name as someone else.. I was scrolling through, reading the comments when I saw you. I thought “oh cool! It’s another Bethany” but then I noticed your last name is my maiden name. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of another Bethany Turner so that’s pretty awesome!

      Great advice from all the ladies on here. I think if I could have gone back and given myself advice before my wedding night, it would be- try not to have any expectations because it causes stress. Being a virgin, I assumed that my wedding night would just be this wonderful thing that would go smooth and be enjoyable… Not quite! It was as painful as could be trying to make it work! I was driven to tears because I thought my husband would be disappointed. He reassured me that it didn’t bother or upset him… So thankful for his understanding and gentleness. Possibly if we had spent more time “warming up” that would have helped. It was a struggle to have sex for the next few months as it was extremely painful. It wasn’t until I went off of birth control that sex actually felt good.

      Our premarital counselors (our pastor and his wife) offered a lot of great advice with good humor to make the conversation more comfortable. I’m postive they told us to just take it slow that night and enjoy each other.

      At least I can offer some words of wisdom to my sister when she gets married. A little gift basket filled with goodies (especially lube- wish I had known that would have helped sooo much) for her wedding night. It seems sex is something that is looked at in such a negative light by Christian women. It’s wonderful to see such sex positive attitudes.

  4. L

    I would have told myself so much!!
    Don’t be shy! Let him look at you! Don’t be afraid to touch! Do it with the lights on! (One comment he made to me was I really wish I could see your face.That should have been my cue to get the lights)
    But there is one thing I would have really would have told myself. Not all virgins bleed!! I had worked myself up about this one thing all girls and boys are told. But it’s not the case with all. I am an older virgin in her 30’s and so was my husband. When I seen no blood on the sheets my first thought was he’s not going to think I was a virgin. I went to the washroom after and there was a little blood and I almost went out to grab him to prove my virginity!! His first thought he told me the next day was he must have done something wrong. I think it is important for men and women to know this because we are all told differently! I went online recently to investigate this and found a stat that said about 62% of women do not bleed! If this is the case why are we told differently!

    1. J Post author

      “Let him look at you! ” What a terrific one, L!

      As to the bleeding advice, that’s interesting. I never expected to bleed, so I wasn’t surprised when I didn’t. I think someone had told me that doing gymnastics, riding a horse, and other such exercises could break the hymen. I assumed that’s what had happened. But your advice is great for those who expect it.

      1. T

        I had the opposite experience. Was not expecting to bleed– or if I did, for it to be very little based on all the advice I’d read– and ended up bleeding a LOT. When it kept going and going, I got pretty scared. (Admittedly, I am a bit of a hypochondriac, but even with pretty heavy periods, I had not experienced anything like this.) Thankfully hubby has medical training (albeit with animals) and was able to assure me that I would be okay, but I continued to have some bleeding for the next few days. I’ve since learned that another woman I know who also got married in her thirties had a similar experience. Apparently if the tissue doesn’t get broken doing gymnastics, horseback-riding, etc., it gets tougher as you get older, so breaking it is a little more traumatic. I wish I’d known that beforehand, though I do now treasure the memory of my husband comforting me, and the rest we look back at and laugh about now.

  5. newlywedded

    First, for this virgin who couldn’t even wear a tampon (still doesn’t โ€” my gyn told me she couldn’t get them comfortably in there until after her first child was born… O_O …might be a while), even though we’d been urged to use lots of lube, it was still much more of a challenge than we’d expected! we tried four different positions before we gave up on one being comfortable. And I think I actually whimpered and asked, “Is it all the way in?” (I wince at that memory.) (Some people have the luxury of “taking your time” for a few days, but my hubby is active-duty military and had to fly back to his unit the very next day โ€” we were determined to git ‘er done.)

    Secondly, everyone joked about how my also-virgin husband wouldn’t be able to last long, and while we weren’t timing it, it felt like FOREVER (and mostly uncomfortable) at the time! We both were surprised. (Him, perhaps slightly more pleasantly, though I know he felt bad that I wasn’t finding my experience quite the same…)

    Thirdly, I bled lightly pretty much every time we had sex for almost a month after we were finally able to live together. I hadn’t expected that (I think the aforementioned tampon problem might be partly to blame in my case), but I was determined to power through, because I knew sex was supposed to feel awesome…at some point. And now, it sure does. (: (: (:

    1. J Post author

      Glad to know you worked through it all! Unfortunately, I think some wives have an iffy experience and then just assume that sex isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. But communicating, figuring out what works, and finding solutions to obstacles is part of marriage in so many areas; why wouldn’t it apply to sex too?

      Congrats, newlywedded! I’m glad that it feels awesome now!

      And please thank your husband for his service.

  6. Kelly

    Hey J this is awesome! You pretty much nailed it! On my wedding night I wish I had been prepared for the rush of emotions that hit me after we were finished. The combined excitement and stress and exhaustion and relief all combined to make me one hot mess of tears. My husband was horrified that he made me cry and thought he had done something very wrong. We laugh about it now but it was pretty shocking for both of us – I was the very last person either of us would have expected to burst into tears. Anyways, I’m sure I’m not the only bride who has cried on her wedding night – I wish I could have prepared myself and my new husband for that!!

    1. J Post author

      You are not the only one who has cried after sex! I’ve heard that from others. It’s a powerful experience, and we ladies sometimes cry for other reasons than sorrow. (Think about Miss America and how she weeps like an open fire hydrant; it’s all the emotion and hormones.)

      Thanks for sharing that, Kelly!

  7. M

    On our wedding night I had scoured your site and a few others, read “The Good Girl’s Guide to Sex”…I was PREPARED. As much as one CAN be before the first time. I totally had the same freak-out reaction in my head to the size that you mentioned haha!! All I’ve ever seen is little baby boys when I changed diapers, I hadn’t seen the ADULT size. Hubby was so sweet and amazing and knew to be slow and gentle but of course it was his first too. I was prepared for discomfort on entry but BOY howdy it felt like a knife when we tried, and I just knew it was because it was the first time and I was gonna have to suck it up, brace myself, and let’s get this DONE (because everyone said it gets better). To this day I’m not totally sure all the physical factors at work but after a good ten or fifteen minutes of him trying and me squeezing him and crying (I was trying to do my dead level best to be a trooper and make this happen no matter if it hurt) he called a timeout and we got in the jacuzzi tub to try to relax me and comfort my sore self (which was VERY nice and helpful, I highly recommend to all honeymooners!). Upon our second attempt an hour or so later he somehow managed to realize there was a tilt issue at play and upon rotating his hips ever so slightly suddenly it WORKED. I was so grateful he thought to try it!! Throughout the rest of the honeymoon we had several attempts where he started and I gasped and he stopped, changed his position ever so slightly and et voila.

    Also I know it’s been said how vital lube is but let me say the TYPE of lube is JUST as important as using it at all!! Silicone/thicker types are NOT so nice for us, choose one that’s more liquidy and similar to your body’s natural lube or use coconut oil (my personal favorite as it seems to coat better and is much cheaper than the tiny $7 bottle of KY that only lasted us about three or four months). And don’t be shy about using it and using ENOUGH. Some days are better than others thanks to hormones and whatnot, I can need lube one day just to make it work and the next day my body makes more than enough on it’s own.

    1. J Post author

      Good point about the lube. In fact, if I was sending someone on her honeymoon, I might just give her a hodge-podge of lubricant options so they can try different ones and see what works best. (Lately, I’ve been rather enamored with Sliquid products, especially the Silver. Anyway…)

      Thanks, M!

  8. Susan

    Great pointers! Thankfully, I had a cousin who sat me down a week or so before my wedding and shared much of the same info with me…esp about the urinating before and after. I still got a UTI on our honeymoon, but thankfully a call to a doctor friend for a prescription helped that. I’d almost encourage ladies who can to get a prescription for antibiotics filled BEFORE the honeymoon, just in case – esp if they are going to be on a cruise or elsewhere away from doctors.

    Another thing my cousin shared was that it really was a fair bit of semen – she told me an approximate measurement. That felt like a lot of info for me at the time, but it helped me be realistic.

    I’d also worked to stretch myself out a bit prior to our wedding night, and I think that helped too.

    1. J Post author

      I never thought about the amount of semen being information a new wife would want to know. But you’re right. It’s good info. Plus, wives need to be aware that semen can leak out later. You can get up minutes or hours after intercourse, and fwoomp! there it is, coming right out of you. That can be a shocker the first time.

      Thanks, Susan!

  9. Mike

    We had the similar “too big to fit” story as several on here. Fortunately, as I posted in the previous post, we’d talked about things beforehand and were prepared for that eventuality. It took a while (6 weeks of trying!) but we finally got there (though things didn’t get easy until after our first baby was born). Praise God that we were both prepped and chill about the whole thing and were willing to be generous with each other. All that laid some great foundations for our married life that have reaped benefits in trust and love even 17 years later.

    1. J Post author

      So beautifully put! We get it in our heads sometimes that the first time we have sex must be confetti and fireworks, but with a lifetime of covenant marriage ahead, it’s okay to ease into it and figure things out slowly. Couples still have plenty of time to raise the rafters in their many years together. Indeed, studies show that the best sex happens after you’ve been married for a while and know each other even better. Thanks, Mike!

  10. L

    It is messy. Being very, very uninformed my first time, I was clueless. People should know this! “Good Girl’s Guide…” would have been helpful some 34 years ago!

    1. J Post author

      The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex by Sheila Gregoire is a marvelous resource! I definitely recommend it for engaged ladies and married wives! Thanks.

    1. J Post author

      STRETCHING YOUR V: You can start a few months or weeks before your wedding night. The easiest way to do this is to get a good personal lubricant (K-Y jelly, Astroglide, and Wet are common ones; there’s also coconut oil and some great products from Sliquid) and use your fingers. You can start by lubing up your lady parts and your smallest finger and insert the finger into your vagina. Move the finger around, massaging the inner lips, and stretching the space a little. Over time (days/weeks), you can move up to a larger finger, and then two fingers. It’s just a matter of getting the muscles working and used to being stretched a little. You don’t have to stretch the area to the size that your husband’s erect penis will be; that can happen later as you come together sexually.

      (There are also products you can purchase to stretch your vagina. I am aware of them, but not familiar with them. They are most often used with women who suffer from vaginismus, but can be used for virgins preparing for wedding night.)

        1. J Post author

          God’s Daughter, stretching your muscles there is not sexual activity, nor will it harm your hymen (if that is still intact, which it might or might not be–as comments before indicated, some women bleed and some don’t). My BF whose doctor advised her pre-wedding about these exercises said it well: “You’re not breaking your virginity; you’re preparing yourself for your groom.” You can slowly insert your finger, press downward against the muscle, and rub in a U-shape back and forth. You don’t need to penetrate far, just enough to feel the musculature that closes around your finger. If you have more concerns, please speak with your doctor, who can likely instruct you further and address your questions.

          Blessings!

          1. Gods Daughter

            WOW! Thanks ๐Ÿ™‚ sorry if any question was kind of silly, but i had to ask since i haven’t have sexual intercourse before!

            God bless!

  11. Susi

    Great post! If only my husband and I had known all this before we were married! I was shocked my best friend didn’t give me a heads up about the importance of lubricant & how messy sex can be! Thankfully my also virgin husband knew to touch me a lot! I can’t imagine how painful it would have been without ask his touch to get me ready and no lube. It took us a couple months to realize lube would be very useful to have on hand when needed.

    1. J Post author

      Yeah, sex is messy. I don’t remember being bothered by that, but it’s good to know ahead of time. (It’s also good to have a washcloth on hand at times.)

      I love that you point out the importance of touch! That’s part of the whole experience, and physical touch releases Oxytocin–the “bonding chemical” in our bodies (which is released even more in climax).

  12. J Post author

    I’m so caught on time right now. (I’ll come back by tomorrow. Promise.) But based on the comments, I had to pop in and say to the hubbies: “SEE! No need to worry so much about penis size. We were all like ‘WOW’ when we first saw IT.” ๐Ÿ˜€

  13. Tam

    I wish I had told my pre-wedding self not to kiss like I had wanted, beccause that opened a whole new realm. I was a virgin in some senses and in others, not.
    This next comment isn’t necessarily about the post.I am now receiving two feeds through email. One where it is simply the post of the day and another where it is every post you have ever written. I tried to unsubscribe to the every post today, so we’ll see.

    1. J Post author

      I’m confused about the two feeds. I did return to my old blog, posted an “I Have Moved!” announcement, and then resumed over here. I wonder if that caused the glitch. (I am SO NOT tech-savvy.) If you keep getting weird stuff, Tam, please use the contact form and let me know…and then I’ll talk to my website designer. Thanks!!!

  14. James

    Great advice.

    I would add that don’t think you have to start out with missionary. You don’t line up that well and it takes practice for the man to have good control that way. You both may have an easier time starting with a position where she is able to control the speed and depth of penetration, such as some variation of woman on top.

    Additionally, hormones matter. Many new brides go on some form of hormonal BC before the wedding without realizing how this can negatively impact libido and response. There are many other non-hormonal options for preventing pregnancy that don’t have these problems. If you are interested in fertility awareness (natural family planning), the engagement period (or sooner) is a great time to learn so you can get used to the method before you have to “put it into practice” after the wedding.

    1. J Post author

      Now that you said that about birth control, I think I would have told my pre-sex self to research birth control options. I did use oral contraceptives, but after some other issues, I ended up with another approach (diaphragm) which I loved and wish I’d done from the beginning. Very good point, James! Thanks.

    2. Jeannie K

      Good points. However. I feel that most virgin women would have trouble doing woman-on-top for their first sexual experience. It takes a little more confidence and being comfortable. But, you are right about the lining up part.

  15. Shondra

    My wedding night was petfect. I would tell pre-wedded me to calm down. On my wedding day every woman in my life, including my old baby sitter wanted me to know that I couldnt deny my Husband sex. Well he was a virgin and all his friends were laughing at him bc they thought that he wouldn’t last long. As my reception came to an end, ppl came up to me and started singing sexual songs about what was going to happen to me. At some point in their song they realized I was terrified and that was funny to them. My church family r a bunch of sex starved virgins…its a thrill when one of us can finally say we r getting it good lol. My m.o.h told me recently that when she walked into my home on the wedding night that I looked terrified. She said I had a look on my face that pleaded for her not to leave me with “this man”. My Husband realized that I was scared on our drive home and decided to try and calm me down. A bunch of family stopped by and my sister commented that I was still dressed lol. Eventually, I slipped into a might gown that I’d purchased for that night and walked into the room. We talked 3hours. I thought ge forgot about sex. He used that tactic to calm me down because I was so terrified. The next day, he woke up with bragging rights. Idk if he ever told his friends that he wasn’t a quick fix but he was so proud when he was talking to me. I on the other hand was very sore. I knew it would hurt but ur article expressed how I felt. Just as another lady, once he saw that night gown, I turned off the lights and hopped in the bed but there were times that he asked to see my face and I felt weird. I thought it was so he could laugh at the faces I made but now I know its because he wanted to see his wife. I would tell me to just remain calm bc I married a gentlemen and not a self centered person. Two yrs later, we still trying to figure things out but its fun and we love each other so its ok to not have done everything under the sun ๐Ÿ™‚

  16. T.C.

    J,

    I have recently come across your site, and I think it is excellent, especially for someone who is naive about sex in general. I know this is an article written in general more towards a woman’s thoughts, but is there any way that you could write an article about what guys need to know before the wedding night?

    I’m a guy who is a virgin, and I am looking to honor the Lord and wait for my 1st time with my wedding night. That will have to be in the future, though. But I am wondering if you have any way tips for guys who are virgins and looking to learn what to do? If you could give some articles or perhaps even write 1 yourself, I would be greatly appreciative. Either way, I will say this, God Bless You and your marriage J. Thank you for the work for the kingdom.

    1. J Post author

      You got it! I’ll put that in my queue.

      It’s a great question, T.C. And blessings for maintaining your purity and holding out for the really awesome experience God intended sex to be in marriage. (And yeah, I’ll say it, blessings that you find a wife who honors God and who enjoys His gift of sexual intimacy with her husband.)

      1. T.C.

        Thank you, J! I guess I have a bit of nervousness when I think of it all. I’m not saying that I am not rejoicing at all when I think of it all, but I mean there is a sense of fear and nervousness too. I will be for the first time giving myself and being naked with another person, I mean. In every way, I will be nervous about it. In my case, the next girl who kisses me will be the first. So the jump from kissing to making love is a huge one. It will be scary for me, honestly. So for everyone with advice, I could use it all. Thank you so much.

        1. J Post author

          It is unnerving. I’m not going to beat around the bush about that. This notion that men enter the bedroom all swashbuckling and in-charge seems to me a myth. Most men are excited about it and eager to get going (once they have that green light with the marriage vows), but there is both vulnerability and learning involved. The good news is that when you find the person you want to spend the rest of your life tethered to, that person should make you feel comfortable and confident already…and then you two figure out the rest together. (And if you’re a really good student, you’ll become a master!)

          Blessings!

          1. T.C.

            Yeah, I honestly did not know where to begin. There are a lot of things I’m ignorant about when it comes to sex (relationships too),obviously since I’m asking questions. So having a site like this rocks! I have a few friends in church family I could talk to about this, but I don’t know if it is the time to talk about it. I am hoping to wait until the day I am in a relationship to start doing so. But my mind is still so curious about wanting to learn about sex, with a body that is wanting to experience love-making too (not just sex, but kissing, hugging, & intimacy too). So having this site really helps. Grateful to find it!

            Grateful too that I’m not alone with feeling scared about having sex for the first time! Although I did read on another site like this that said to not expect fireworks the “first time” because it probably won’t last too long. That does in a sense hurt the expectations and dream I had about it. Oh, well, whatever. I’ll get over it.

    2. Lauren

      My husband was given great advice for our wedding night from his older brothers. He is not naturally incredibly vocal, so something they told him that was really great for us was to tell me out loud how excited he was and how much he likes what was happening and what was seeing. I know he felt like he was being awkwardly vocal and overly excited, but it really helped me to take away the nerves. Marriage is awesome though. You love each other, you’re staying together forever, and you know you have a lifetime to get better at sex.

      1. T.C.

        Thank you for the advice Lauren. I’ll have to take that advice and go with it. I could use every bit of advice & Godly counsel. It’s like I have a ton of question I’m ready to ask. It’s a new experience, and I find myself excited for it. But I do have to say: it’s like a foreign language for me too. It’s something foreign to me. So the nerves are there. I’m not even close to the wedding night, and I’m getting nervous about it! So I am pretty unnerved. Getting advice like this really helps without a doubt!

    3. Gods Daughter

      God bless you TC! i pray that God will bless you as you decide to wait till the right time!!

      ๐Ÿ™‚

  17. Jojopure

    I’m a virgin and can’t wait for my honeymoon. I love your site it has help me largely. What put me at ease for my first sexual with my future husband is that I pray and lift up my future initamcy life a lot, so its a trust and leave it in the hands of God situation.

  18. Happy Husband and Wife

    Doing a bit of writing and counseling for newlyweds I would very much backup what Bethany said about stretching before the wedding if you are tight. This could change your wedding night to be a good memo instead of drama. If you are not tight do lots of kegels as this is a thriller for a husband to experience when the wife has a strong muscle, to give him love squeezes plus it will help a new wife have more powerful sensations, orgasm quicker and have less pain.
    Flaunt your beauty and trust him when he says you look incredible as there is nothing quite so beautiful to me as my naked smiling wife. Hate to be so straight up but I cannot get enough of seeing and touching her willing nakedness and we’ve been married 35 years! We have sex 3-4 times a week or more!
    Very much agree about the rightness of preparing for him by using your fingers to stretch yourself and do not feel in the least bit guilty if that feels good to you. Pleasure is a gift and pain is a gift but you will not become a slave to pleasure by preparing yourself for hubby entering into the holy of holy’s with you! Pray often about those first times in each other arms. Pray that God would give you freedom to express your gladness about sexuality to your new spouse.
    Do not plan much travel for at least a week after the wedding. Rent a cottage enjoy the journey to sexual experience and relationship. Know that it will not be without some stretching, literally and figuratively. It may be messy even bloody at first so plan for that by having a towel under you two the first time and possibly every time. We do honeymooners at our cottage and wish sometimes they would understand a bit more about the mess it makes if they are not careful. Lovestains are a wonderful thing perhaps but should not be left behind for others to see and deal with. Couples should possibly invest in a liberator Throe and use it especially at first because it liberates from the worry and mess of stains.
    Have coconut oil on hand and possibly other lubes and use them liberally at first till you know what you need. Some need it every time, some almost never do but the first times you will save some pain by having it on hand and using it. Also read Julie Seiberts blog Intimacy in marriage “What A New Wife Must Know About Sex” and refer to Christian Nymphos article on “Wedding night sex” so you are a bit familiar with the issues of virgins getting it together and the whole thing of positions that work for newbies. Enjoy the newness and the journey but a bit of prep will help lots!

  19. Newlywed

    Thanks for the article! I’ve been reading your blog off and on for a few years now. I got married a couple months ago and am still freaking out about his penis size lol. We couldn’t get his penis in the first night (a lot of pain plus exhaustion from the day), and after attempting several more times on our honeymoon, my fear of the pain just shut down the desire to do it. I never saw this coming, because we were (still are lol) virgins eagerly awaiting sex with each other. But for several months this has been looming over us… How can I get past the fear of pain?

    Note: no past sexual abuse is rooted in this fear, and yes, I do fulfill my husband in other ways since actual intercourse hasn’t been possible :p

    1. J Post author

      Have you checked with your doctor? A small percentage of women have physical issues that prevent the space from expanding properly. That’s where I’d start. If the doctor clears you, then I’d suggest lots of lubricant and stretching exercises. Which your husband can help you with. It may take time, but it will be worth it.

      In the meantime, I’d suggest you and your husband aren’t really virgins. I mean technically you are, but you’ve obviously shared your bodies and sexual encounters. Sexual intimacy is compromised of various sexual encounters, and these are something special and exclusive to your marriage. Keep enjoying one another’s bodies and the pleasure you can give and receive, while addressing the main issue of working toward intercourse.

      Blessings! Big, big newlywed blessings to you both!

  20. The Man

    I wish I’d known that sex would be come infrequent, one sided, lame and soul sucking before I said “I do.”

  21. blessed

    am glad i found what godly people have to say about sex.and most of you seem to have been the good boys n girls who were or are gonna be virgins on the wedding day and that made the day really memorable.am not one but i look forward to enjoying too

    1. J Post author

      Well, blessed, not this girl. But I believe in the redemptive power of Christ, and God has blessed me with wonderful intimacy with my husband in spite of my mistakes in the past. I pray that you discover and hold onto that deep connection with a husband someday as well!

  22. Pingback: How to Prepare for Marriage--Not Just the Wedding

  23. Christin

    Thank you for this post and for everyone who commented! I’m engaged and a virgin and I vascilate between being really excited about the wedding night and feeling totally unprepared and even inadequate. It frustrates me that most women find it painful, and even difficult, the first time. I confess that I wonder why God made it that way. It seems like the first time a husband and wife become “one flesh” should be an amazing experience, not scary or painful. But God is God and I am not and He knows what He’s doing. I’m also a little extra anxious because I will be 28 when I get married, and that’s not all that young. I hope my age doesn’t make things harder.

  24. Nessa

    I love this. I read every single comment and am very glad I am not the only one who is in the V club. I hope I can remember all of this before my wedding night. Thanks for sharing. Its nerve wrecking but I know it will some day be so special. Also glad to know that sex isn’t something “wrong” to talk or think about! Looking forward to more of your post.

  25. I.N

    Hi, very interesting and educative article. I didn’t know about the whole peeing before and after sex till I read this article. I’m just 24, not exactly a virgin, I mean I haven’t had sex before (my hymen is still intact), but I did things to my ex-bf since I wasn’t going all the way. At the time I was happy that I was pleasing him, but looking back now, I wish I hadn’t done those things. Anyway, I asked God for forgiveness and decided to be celibate, no form of sexual activity till marriage. Reading some of the comments have me kinda nervous wondering how it’ll be for me when the time comes, but I’ll leave everything in God’s hands, when the time is right, I’ll be sure to educate myself fully. Love your blog.

  26. Danny

    This article is awesome, I usually don’t get any questions I have at heart answered I usually base my info what I believe sex will be and on how the media portrays it. The friends I have Im cool talkin about sex but its just that im usually the older one so im not getting much from them. Im really impressed that these folks wanted purity before marriage, as do I, and the affirmation that anything goes in the bedroom ( 1 flesh style is sweet from LORD) the marriage is first though. I am not seeing anyone but GOd already told me that I can marry this woman (Jessica) and so, I realize marriage could be about me me me give me my name is jimmy(my pastor always said that) but I actually have feelings for this one special person and truly am gonna learn what giving and working in a relationship really mean under GOd. SO yea that’s my heart, also all you read this, the one thing I learned is that don’t take what one person says about sex, in fact many people look down at it, because the way the world abuses this gift and also even I sometimes crave it more than I ought, you know, but like read this whole page I read everyones comment, so its almost like take many peoples experiences and wrap your mind from that, in any case just persist with GOd and one day he’ll give you a story on the topic of sex husband and wife style. Alright peace. dan.

  27. LEA

    I really enjoyed this article as well as many of the comments made. It is great! Just what I needed to prepare my virgin-counsellees (pre-wedding class).

    God bless you for impacting christian marriages for good.

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