The One Sex Tip I Give Husbands Over and Over

I was thinking about advice I’ve given to husbands over the course of this blog. I seem to give one particular sex tip over and over and over . . .

What is that tip? What is the one practical idea that would help a husband engage his wife more fully in the bedroom? It’s simple really. Two words. Here they are.

slow down.

Admittedly, this isn’t the end-all-be-all advice for satisfying sexual intimacy in your marriage. But men, it’s a good start. And it covers a lot of bases.

Slow down the start-up. Romance isn’t something that only happened way back when you had a full head of hair and your wife was maybe a size smaller. Women want to be pursued and wooed throughout your relationship.

A husband would be wise to take his time and expend a good amount of effort on shared activities, romantic gestures, embraces and cuddles, lovey-dovey talk, and kissing. Write your wife a love note. Ask her to slow dance with you in the living room. Yes, bring her flowers — if she likes that kind of thing. Sure, we wise women know you eventually want to make it to the bedroom, but we also want to know that you still enjoy the other mushy-gushy stuff. So slow down when it comes to the start-up.

Slow down the build-up. Typically a man can go from ho-ho-hum to hey-baby-I’m-ready! in about three seconds flat. Just have his wife walk by naked, maybe even jiggle a little, and his body screams YES! But God, perhaps in an effort to stretch and grow us, created men and women to be different.

Most wives need a while to heat up. Your wife may need time to plant the notion of sex in her brain, check off those items on her to-do list that absolutely must get done (like tucking kids in bed), and even prepare herself physically and/or mentally for sexual intimacy. She needs time to switch gears from overwhelmed mommy to hot mama. Just because she isn’t in the mood right this very second doesn’t mean she can’t get in the mood, but she may require a slower build-up.

Slow down the work-up. (Hey, I’m sticking with the “up” theme.) Foreplay. I’ll say it again: Foreplay. Yeah, it’s important for most women. It’s not that we don’t enjoy the sex itself, but our brains have to be aroused and our bodies stimulated to readiness. And that may take a while. Or at least longer than it takes the average husband.

We ladies can shortcut some of this with personal lubricant or jumping right to our favorite moves or positions, but if we can draw it out…well, why not? Why rush? So hubbies should move slow, spending ample time kissing, touching, stroking, and stimulating their wives. Take time to get her worked up.

Slow down the “sex-me-up.” You know what rocks? Slow sex. (Okay, fine, I like fast sex too, but still . . . ) The point is that a husband can draw out his wife’s pleasure by thrusting into his wife at increasing speed . . . and then slowing down for a while. Plus, slowing down intercourse helps the husband to hold off on his climax for a while in hopes that his wife can get there too.

If you’re interested in trying to reach simultaneous orgasm, slowing down may be needed to coordinate that timing. Also, if you finish first, you don’t have to stop! Keep the sexual encounter going until your wife is satisfied with her experience. Regardless, she may want you to slow down the sex, so that she can fully appreciate the sensations.

Slow down the clean-up. When the party’s over, there’s the clean-up, right? I recently wrote about the importance of afterglow, and it does matter. After you’re both sated, you may feel just done, ready to shut off the lights, and — let’s face it — fall asleep. She may even want to shift gears quickly to cleaning up the sheets and herself. But wait…slow down.

Whether it’s immediately, or after a trip to the bathroom, take some time to savor one another. Gather your wife into your arms and let her know how much she and your physical intimacy mean to you. In Song of Songs 5:1, the Lover (husband) expresses his post-sex satisfaction: “I have come into my garden, my sister, my bride; I have gathered my myrrh with my spice. I have eaten my honeycomb and my honey; I have drunk my wine and my milk.” You can dispense with references to myrrh and honeycomb, but expressing a similar delight is not a bad idea — you know, something like “I’ve come into our messy bedroom, my bride. I’ve gathered sugar and spice. I’ve eaten apple pie and ice cream; I’ve drunk my Red Bull and sweet tea.” Yep, slow things down afterward too and keep those feelings of intimacy going. That somethin’ extra-extra also makes an investment for the next time you come together sexually.

So that’s the one practical sex tip for husbands I come back to again and again: Slow. Down.

Now, ladies, what do you think? In what way do you wish your hubby would slow things down? And men, of course you’re welcome to pipe up! Share what you think.

41 thoughts on “The One Sex Tip I Give Husbands Over and Over

  1. Tam

    I would absolutely LOVE for my husband to pursue me the way he used to. He used to get me all hot and bothered just because I knew he was pursuing me. Now, it seems that he goes straight for penetration and I’m not ready usually. Also, I love enjoying kisses and caressing from my husband. Oh, if only he would SLOW DOWN.

    1. frustrated husband

      So what happens after the husband has put on the brakes? Love notes and emails have been written, small kisses, big hugs, whispering how much I want her, to do list complete, back massages given(without expecting anything in return), expressing how incredibly beautiful she is, laughs shared, and of course tons of “I love yous” (All of which she wants and enjoys)…but she just doesn’t seem interested. It would be great if my wife “wanted” me. Not just in her mind or heart(dont get me wrong, Id take that over sex any day) but wanted me physically. When does some of the effort fall on the woman? When does she need to put forth effort to adore her husband, to excite her husband, to show that she desires her husband? What else does a guy do to get his wife excited and interested? I have read this blog and a couple other blogs and have found some very insightful information. I know she is tired, stressed, several to do lists in her multitasking mind, but what else can I do? I feel appreciated but undesired, and I’m getting exhausted trying. I know this will pass and maybe I’m over reacting. I guess a discussion needs to be had, even though I have expressed my feelings and desires to her a few times before. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

      1. J Post author

        So many good questions. First of all, I’ll state the obvious: You can’t make your spouse change. You have influence, but not control. Of course, we all know that at some level, but we often think that if we just say something enough times or say it louder or make him/her read something or position our spouse right underneath a serendipitous bolt of lightning…suddenly, everything will change and be beautiful! There’s always hope, and I hear of turnarounds all the time! But usually, it’s a process. So the refused, starving, longing spouse should set out to be patient, loving, and prayerful from the get-go.

        Now for your questions…

        “When does some of the effort fall on the woman?” It’s always her turn. And it’s always your turn. If your spouse isn’t doing what she should, you don’t get relieved of doing what you should. God expects each of us to do our part, regardless. The beauty is that full-fledged, sold-out love on one spouse’s part often awakens the other.

        “When does she need to put forth effort to adore her husband, to excite her husband, to show that she desires her husband?” She should be doing it now, tomorrow, and for the rest of your marriage. But…see answer above.

        “What else does a guy do to get his wife excited and interested?” And here’s the $64,000 question. Complicating matters is that men are quite different from women; each woman has her own preferences and history; and your relationship is also an individual thing. So while blogs say do this, do that as suggestions for how to get your wife interested, any individual tip may or may not work with your particular wife. Thus, ultimately I suggest trial and error (which will hopefully result in trial and success!). Find out what makes your wife feel valued, cherished, relaxed, open, secure, aroused, loved. You can ask her directly, try out different approaches, consider her schedule and daily demands, adjust according to her responses, pray for wisdom. If helping her clean the house frees up her stress levels and schedule so that she’s more willing to make love, then by all means grab a vacuum and a toilet bowl brush. But if that doesn’t really matter much to her, and she feels beloved with heaps of romance, then buy the flowers, get the dinner reservation, line up the babysitting, and woo her socks (and whatever else) off. If she has zero drive because she was told in her past or experienced firsthand that sex is a negative thing, be her shoulder to cry on, her ear to listen, her hand to guide her into something better. Figure out your own wife. (Yeah, I know. Easier said than done.) It’s a challenge, but I know husbands who have absolutely done this and are happy they went the extra mile.

        One caveat: Don’t do it all as a “now that I helped you, you owe me sex” kind of thing. Do it out of love. There are no guarantees, but wives who feel genuinely loved are more likely to engage sexually.

        “I know she is tired, stressed, several to do lists in her multitasking mind, but what else can I do?” Sit down with her and explain that you see how much she’s juggling. Help her sort through that list and see which items you or other can take on, which items are challenging but there only for a season, and which items should be let go. We ladies often take on too much and feel bad for saying no. For myself, it can be a relief sometimes when my husband suggests I refuse an offer for one more ministry or one more professional task or one more activity for the kids. He reminds me how much I’m already doing, what my schedule looks like, and reminds me it’s okay to pass some things up. Talk through your priorities and help her make time for your marriage and your intimacy. And then pray. Just pray for her wisdom and your wisdom and the relationship.

        I sincerely hope this helps. I’ll definitely pray for you as well!

        1. frustrated husband

          Thank you for your advice. It always helps to hear from another perspective. I guess it boils down to me wanting to be noticed/desired et al. I dont expect sex in return for loving her and doing things for her. I just feel like I notice/desire her everyday (and not just in a sexual manner) where as she doesn’t notice/desire me everyday (again, not just in a sexual way). I definitely need to pray more about it and continue to love her like I have and hopefully make her feel loved/needed/desired like she deserves. I will keep your advice and thoughts close by in case I become discouraged again. And thank you for your prayers. God bless.

  2. Jerry Stumpf

    Great article to help us guys understand what excites our wife! It is almost an oxymoron as it is in the slowing down that we “heat” her up! The other part of this is to touch more lightly is to increase her pleasure. For guys this is not the typical action. We tend to like it with greater pressure. So going slow and lighter is better, right?

    Hope it is OK, I am going to put this link on my blog in the next couple of days?

    1. J Post author

      Hey, Jerry! You’re welcome to link to my posts. There’s a copyright notice off in the right sidebar with the whole “Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given…” language. But yeah, I’m happy when people link here and I like linking to other helpful posts. Thanks!

      1. Jerry

        Thank you. I was holding off running the specific article entitled “Foreplay mistakes to avoid” as I wanted to be sure it was OK to run this particular article from your blog.

        I hope your readers will gain insights from the guys side of the issues.

        Check it out later today.

  3. Bonnie @ Love, Marriage and Sex

    Yes, yes and yes. Men often time assume that our bodies work like theirs. Popular culture has encouraged the myth that “quickies” are satisfying when in fact, very few women can climax on demand. For me, extended build-up is the ONLY way I’m going to be able to finish. A boob grab and thrusting just isn’t enough!

  4. Amanda

    It takes me some time to get turned on with romance and thinking about my husband but after that I don’t need that much foreplay. I don’t prefer cuddling afterwards either. My husband teases me that I am the opposite of what he learned about what women want.

    1. Eric

      Ha! I’m not the only one! I want to take my time, while she is more of a ‘wham bamm’ type. And when we are done, SHE rolls over while I want to cuddle.

      1. Amanda

        Yes, you are not alone! My husband loves foreplay and would rather take his time during sex and then cuddle. I get frustrated sometimes because it is taking too long. Lol!

        1. Eric

          I have tried to explain that foreplay can be so much more varied. To be blunt, thrusting is thrusting. Sure you can change positions to provide different points of contact from genital to genital, but that action is still limited. Foreplay can be much more creative and is much easier to make last. (As a guy I only can go so long before I reach that ‘point of no return’.) With foreplay we can use hands, fingers, hair, breasts, buttocks, feet, toys, locations, ……. the options are limitless. That is why I want to slow down and take some time. I want to explore her body and for her to explore mine. Anticipation and buildup is AWESOME! (At least I hear, I may never know.) And realize I’m not asking for this every time, but once and awhile it would be nice to devote time to ‘making love’, not just ‘having sex’. I am a guy who wants intimacy too!

          1. J Post author

            I think most guys want intimacy! But they feel it in different ways. Task-oriented and faster-than-a-woman is the typical for men, but typical may only be 75-80% of men. There are plenty of marriages where this flip-flopped.

            So communication and adapting messages to your unique marriage are key! Thanks for this comment thread. Very interesting, Amanda and Eric. 😉

  5. Annette

    Well written. Love hearing this. It is so true. And the foreplay thing – I heard a pastor once say that “foreplay begins with washing the dishes”. If the husband wants to have fun later on in the evening help out with that to do list and you may get there a little quicker.

  6. S. D.

    Good words. I love going slow, and prefer it really.

    Wives just need to understand though, if your hubs has been waiting for a while, slowing down is extremely difficult! Like stopping a freight train. If you want slow, you gotta think ‘often’ to help out. Otherwise…it ain’t happenin’. Just my 2cents.

    1. J Post author

      (Yeah, between you and me — and all of these other people eavesdropping 😉 — if I had the wives off to the side, I’d probably advise they might need to speed it up a bit for their husband’s sake. A little give-and-take here is a good idea.) Thanks!!!

  7. John

    Afterglow? Nothing like the wife jumping out of bed, water running as if she had just engaged in some disgusting activity a capable of spreading the plague…..hold and caress and savor the moment? Oh please, just give me one minute to hold you?

    1. J Post author

      That does sound nice. However, if she really wants to clean up first, maybe she will come back to bed and cuddle. Also are you reading her need to wash up correctly? “…as if she had just engaged in some disgusting activity…” To her, it may just be a matter of feeling sticky or something. Best wishes!

      1. Jonnie

        My husband is the one who gets up, gets the rag warm, cleans himself then comes back to clean me up. It’s been like that from the very day we married…24 years on Dec. 30. It’s very sweet!

  8. Happy Husband

    “Slow down” its easy and good advice to give if you are woman but harder to live out if you are man with average drive. Have a wife who at times would like me to speed up. About the time you go slow enough it will not be fast enough! So stay tuned to “your wife.” Wives if you give cues, moans, groans, pleasure stretches with arms over your head and breasts long for attention, instead of letting him do it all, it will speed you up and make it more fun for him. Also never forget that an orgasm is only icing on the cake most times… if you let it catch you unawares. If you have to work to hard for it you need to relax and just caress and suck and not make the destination such a big deal. The journey can take hours and be pure pleasure and If it does it makes the destination (orgasm) a poor trade off. Remember its the oxytocin not just the orgasm that makes for fulfilling and healthy sex. No amount of kink will ever trump ” real gentle lovin!” Hot sex is the law of diminishing returns at its best. Real slow sex is truly sustainable but not always orgasmic! Quantity never come close to quality if you know what your doing, so yes slow way down!

    1. Aimee

      “Also never forget that an orgasm is only icing on the cake most times…”
      I have to respectively disagree. 😉
      Is an orgasm necessary for me to enjoy the experience of making love with my husband? No, but I still want to reach that point 99.9% of the time, because it makes the experience for both of us so much better.
      I would say an orgasm is an ingredient in the cake. It could be left out, but the cake might be as tasty. 😉

    2. Paul H. Byerly

      “Remember its the oxytocin not just the orgasm that makes for fulfilling and healthy sex.”

      But orgasm results in the greatest release of oxytocin.

      Yes some women, and a few men, can SOMETIMES enjoy sex without orgasm, but often it will result in frustration. If she wants it, be there for her; if she does not, accept that.

      1. Aimee

        Exactly!
        If we said to men, “remember, it’s not the orgasm that matters…all the oxytocin your body is releasing should be pleasure enough!”, I wonder what the response would be. LOL

    1. libl

      Maybe we need an indicator light or pop up timer like on a turkey. No intercourse until the green light comes on. LOL! Yellow means still warming up and red means you’ve done something wrong and are doing the opposite of turning her on.

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  10. libl

    Hubby stinks at all of this except afterglow. We have great afterglow. I’ve asked him to slow down, but he says he doesn’t want sex to be too long, like more than 20 minutes. He’s happy with grab, grab, mount, thrust, climax, snuggle. He even told me that I need to figure out how to climax faster and that God made women wrong somehow to need slower sex. Hey, if he wants women to work sexually like men, he should have been gay!

    I wish wish wish he’d understand and slow down at least.some of the time. Hard and fast quickies are hot, too, but not every time!

    I guess that’s what sex is when it is about the genitals and not the person you are having it with. He once said, “you keep talking about making love! I just want sex!”

    *sigh*

    1. J Post author

      Hmmm, I think I’d sit down with hubby outside of the bedroom, maybe on a date or something, and ask some general questions like “What does sex mean to you?” “How do you feel most loved in the bedroom?” Etc. And then gently explain your answers to those questions.

      You may have to negotiate a little here too — like sometimes it’s slow and easy the way you like it, and other times you promise to slather on the lubricant and go for a quickie. Ideally, you want to be finding ways to pleasure one another anyway and this may be one of those areas to live that out. If the sexual relationship improves, then maybe that reinforcement will help hubby see what you mean.

      Blessings!

  11. loracfray

    Variety is nice, sometimes I like it fast and hard and sometimes slow and gentle. Slow and gentle does not seem to happen a lot though! I think I will frame these words and put them above our bed! hhmm Come to think of it maybe I should just make several signs and switch them as necessary! Wonder if he would notice? lol

  12. Happy Husband and Wife

    Totally understand where you are “cumming from” been there, done that and would never trade the most voluptuous orgasm for sustained gentle sexual contact maybe twice a day if we have time for it. I have done both, but each to his own. I do not have to be right.
    Paul research has shown that Oxytocin is high right at orgasm but drops way down afterward… whereas if you forgo the orgasm it stays higher and gives you energy to boot instead of draining it. Calms your whole experience and day and makes everything flow better.
    When i was young I had what I called sexual electricity that in an of it self was major turn on to my wife. Want that energy back? Turn each other inside out and completely on… then slowly subside and you will be ready without foreplay anytime later! Lube and toys will not be needed or wanted. The high will be intimacy you could only dream about while you pursue hot sex!
    Its a perfect beginning and ending to any day! You will not need to slow down because slow savoring love is delicious and FYI anytime we want we can go back to the the old way… but it will be a while. Sex with orgasm as the goal, misses out on the intimate journey and deep satisfaction of sustained arousal that builds then wanes and builds again! Quickies have there place in a too busy lifestyle but slowing down life is important for good sexual function. J you said it right “slow down.” And I would add make it the norm to foster savoring quiet exchange. I know satisfaction without orgasm seems like an impossibility but do not knock it till you tried it!

    1. J Post author

      Steve, et al.

      It’s interesting to consider how orgasm plays into all of this. Personally, I’m in favor of variety! Maybe sometimes the goal is orgasm. Sometimes we have a quickie. Sometimes we go super-slow. Sometimes we ignore the whole orgasm thing and just revel in each other’s flesh. But typically, men can feel finished with lovemaking quicker than women, so SLOW DOWN is a worthwhile consideration for most hubbies.

      I know there’s a whole movement out there to kick climax pretty much out the door, with the idea that giving that up as a goal somehow improves sex. And even that God intended it that way. But female orgasm isn’t necessary to reproduction, so I have to wonder why God gave it to us if it shouldn’t be a reasonable destination at times. Or even most of the time. Still, I suspect most spouses would reach orgasm if they didn’t worry about reaching orgasm but rather focused on extreme pleasure and intimacy.

      But if orgasm comes…ain’t no way I’m stopping it! That would be like turning down the Academy Award and swearing that I’m completely content with just being nominated. Hello, gimme the gold statue now! LOL.

  13. Dougm

    I love when my wife gets there but often she seems to hold back and not let go. 26 years of love making and still trying. Best project i have ever had always something new to learn.

  14. Happy Husband and Wife

    Yes they do sneak up on us and are more wonderful to boot but if an orgasm is the goal slowing down is not an option but satisfaction maybe not that great. All i want to say is that if climax makes sex good your missing out on a whole bunch of super benefits!

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  17. Different Perspective

    I appreciate where you’re coming from, but as a female, I actually come from a different perspective.

    While I don’t necessarily advocate for a quickie, I actually dislike foreplay and find it irritating. I bought into it for a while, believing that it was somehow a prerequisite to quality sex, but I found it to like one of those annoying Super Bowl pregame shows that goes on forever and ever, when at some point it’s time to play the game.

    That’s not to say a little bit of “warm up” isn’t justified, but the notion of slowing down the “start up, build up and work up” is just painstakingly tiring for both my husband and myself. Mushy gushy stuff? No thank you. Foreplay? Meh. I’m your wife, I want to know you want me *now*, I don’t mind some “feeling” but let’s get our clothes off and get it going on. I do concur with being “mentally ready” — but once I am, I want to actually HAVE SEX!

    Now, when it starts, yes, we like to prolong it — not by going slow, necessarily, but through sustained thrusting, different positions, etc. We prefer to work harder and harder (pardon the pun) at actually keeping a steady, intenser pace of thrusting as that’s more enjoyable than slow. Takes skill — but that’s what practice is for.

    So, this isn’t to throw water on your theory or advice, but just to say not all women are the same.

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