It’s hard for many husbands to believe that wives can enjoy sex without the orgasm. I’m not speaking for all women here (some wives want it every time); however, there are a good number of us who can be okay with forgoing the peak of all peaks.
So why would a wife sometimes pass up the orgasm?
She gets it almost every time. Orgasm isn’t an issue with her, because she enjoys it on a frequent basis. Perhaps she even has multiple orgasms frequently. Both she and her husband make this a regular priority, so she has no doubt she can achieve orgasm the next time. Thus, skipping an orgasm now and then isn’t a big deal.
She wants to focus on her husband’s pleasure. She likes putting her husband first and foremost at times. Most of their lovemaking is equally satisfying for both spouses, but she sees the value in concentrating on one spouse sometimes (Philippians 2:4). And this time, she wants to put her whole focus on his fulfillment, not worrying too much about her own. If she climaxes, fine. If not, she can go without this time.
Her body isn’t cooperating. For reasons known or unknown, her body simply isn’t responding the way it usually does. Maybe it’s an off-kilter time of the month or recovering from an illness or piled-up stress or physical fatigue. Whatever the cause, she’s happy to engage in physical intimacy, but reaching orgasm requires more effort than she wants to give at that moment. It’s enough to simply enjoy the closeness with her husband.
She is concentrating on other sensations. Climax is amazing. Really, really amazing. But other sensations in sex are pleasurable as well. Maybe she’s simply enjoying the loving caresses from her husband’s hands or the tenderness of his lips as he kisses her all over. Perhaps she is reveling in the gentle friction and pressure of her husband’s manhood inside her, astounded at how well their bodies fit together to create that one-flesh experience (Genesis 2:24). Whatever it is that feels so good, this time it feels like enough — climax optional.
She doesn’t have time. Wife and hubby have squeezed a sexual encounter into an already full schedule or sneaked away from the children for what they know will be a short-lived opportunity. It’s quickie time. While she might want an orgasm, it’s not necessarily achievable in the time they have. So she can take it or leave it, still feeling good that she and her husband engaged in sexual intimacy — be it ever so hurried.
It’s possible to enjoy sex with your hubby, yet not feel like a trip to the peak of pleasure is required every time.
However, if a wife never desires an orgasm or if she never has one (no matter how much she desires it), some red flags should go up. Husbands almost always climax through sex, but wives often require a more gentle and more guided touch. Orgasm is not the end-all-be-all, but it’s a worthwhile goal for the vast majority of sexual encounters. God designed women to orgasm throughout clitoral and vaginal stimulation, and that beautiful sexual symphony should be heard often in marriage.
Yet, if you don’t desire the orgasm every now and then, you’re not weird or broken or anything. Sometimes we wives can pass this time around.
What’s your experience? Do you sometimes feel like skipping the “big O”? What are your reasons for being willing to forgo that pleasure peak?
My body has ‘not cooperated’ for 4.5 years. I’m quite certain I’ve never orgasmed with my husband (alone…sort of? There’s a climax, but if that’s an orgasm then I’m a little disappointed). I have given up for now. Trying for it was becoming exhausting and felt defeating for both of us. It was putting a huge damper on our sex life. It was still really pleasurable until about a year ago when my body more or less stopped responding to clitoral stimulation. Perhaps something to do with the two kids we’ve had in the last three years? So for the last year or so I just skip attempting it and work to enjoy the rest of the experience. It’s still nice, but I definitely think I’d want to do it more if I orgasmed occasionally!
I think after saying all this that it might be time to see a doctor. The only reason I haven’t bothered is because I read Sheila’s book and it said it was common for women to not experience orgasm in up to the first five years of marriage, although that certainly isn’t what I’ve heard from friends. I try not to mention it to many people though because they automatically assume it’s my husband’s fault, and I’m pretty sure it’s not.
I have been up and down the last 10 months since we got married with hormones, at first due to my cycle and now due to pregnancy. I went recently through a few weeks of feeling caught between WANTING to want my husband the way I used to and feeling like it required so much work and effort and wasn’t always successful. It frustrated me to no end and I felt like I would send the signal to him that I was not attracted to him, but it wasn’t his fault. He is so sweet though and hung in there with me and it’s gotten better again. Right now I’m very excited about getting baby out of the way so he isn’t in between us anymore. 🙂 But the biggest thing I’ve found that makes the difference between working and not (when there IS something that can be fixed, sometimes dadgum it the hormones DO NOT WORK!) is the use of lubricant. We have used KY, Astroglide, coconut oil, and most recently I bought some Sliquid based on J and other marriage blogger’s advice (got a flavored kind and put it in hubby’s stocking, he loved it). I haven’t done the whole nursing/postpartum hormone thing yet but I’ve heard that can really create difficulty. I really really hope that you are able to find something that is the key for you and opens up a new amazing world with your husband.
Hey Amy, what you are describing may be similar to what I have been dealing with for the past 12 years or so…not sure with out more details. But, I am pretty sure my issues are autoimmune at the core, since after the year from Hades (1999-2000) where we had one tragedy/stressful life event after anther, ending with the birth of my surprise baby, my body began to develop one AI disease after another (vitiligo, pernicious anemia-which is low b12, hashimoto’s). I started out just thinking it was peri menopause, but after testing everything-nope, nowhere near menopause. I kept thinking it was just a hormonal thing, and it would swing back the other way. Never did. My body just didn’t tingle or transmit signals to my brain that what touch I was receiving felt good, therefore, there was NO clitoral engorgement, which makes orgasm very difficult for me. I likened it to a man that couldn’t have an erection, but could have an orgasm (different feeling than before, but an orgasm, nonetheless). With all the “white noise sensations” gone, I definitely figured out that the Gspot was real and we could find it, thank goodness. I have been diagnosed with Hashimoto’s thyroid disease in the past year. I am praying that once we get a handle on this that maybe some of the nerve endings will start to transmit signals again. Have things checked out by a good doctor that will listen to you and not just poo poo the symptoms away. Yes, 2 babies will tire you out, but your sex life and all that entails, is very important to your well being and the root cause should be looked for.
Yes, indeed. Talk to your doctor. Maybe there’s nothing physically wrong, but what if there is and you could have felt great and you didn’t address it? Sometimes we’re reluctant to discuss sex with our doctor, but if you could chat with them casually, you’d find out what I now know: They hear it all. And, for the most part, they want to help. So go ahead and mention what your experience is and see if there could be a physical or hormonal aspect.
If not, you may simply need to slow down and explore what works yet again. Our bodies are not all the same, and they change. What caused adequate stimulation before may not do the trick now. But that’s an issue you and your husband can find ways to tackle together…and perhaps even make it fun.
In the meantime, many blessings for enjoying your intimacy. And hang in there: I think my marriage’s biggest challenge for quality intimacy was the first few years with young kids and exhaustion hovering like fog over us at all times. That part gets better, I assure you.
Great post J.
I prefer to orgasm during our sexual encounters if possible, especially since we are currently only having sex twice a week. The only time I’m really willing to not is if I’m offering him a quickie, otherwise, I know I’m capable so I want it. I will say though that not all orgasms are created equal, and sometimes the foreplay is more enjoyable than the “less than earth moving” orgasm and I’m good with that.
Hey, I prefer it too! And it’s true that not all orgasms are equally fantastic. They vary in how much the earth shakes underneath us, right?
I — and based on these comments, other wives too — are willing to forgo sometimes, though, and still enjoy the sex. Thanks for your comment, happywife! 🙂
This is an interesting post. I am one of those women who wants/needs to experience an orgasm each time my husband and I make love. Why? Well, by accident I discovered why this past week.
My husband works really long, odd hours, so for us, lovemaking typically only happens on the weekends, once, maybe twice. For me being a higher drive spouse, I wish for more frequency, but have tried to be content with the handful of times monthly we will have sex.
Having said that, my hubby had this past week off of work, and needless to say we made up for lost time! 😉 And although I normally would be upset if I didn’t orgasm each and every time we made love, in this past week of a high frequency of sex, I was actually content one morning when I didn’t reach an orgasm. My husband felt bad, but I told him how many times I’d had one in the past few days, so I was really okay not getting there. Any other time where I might not be able to achieve one and then had to wait a week or more to try again, I would be very upset and feeling empty.
So, through this accidental ‘experiment’, I discovered that the reason I want to orgasm every single time, is because sex for us can be so infrequent and I’m not always sure when the next time will be for me, while my hubby can get there every time.
And at my age, as I feel menopause creeping in, my body doesn’t always want to cooperate either, but honestly, it makes me feel more frustrated when I cannot quite get there…and again, I think I’d be more content with that if the frequency were higher.
Great post!
Well-stated! I agree that the frequency of orgasm plays into whether we wives might be willing to forgo one now and again. If I rarely achieved orgasm, I’d likely feel differently. Thanks for sharing your discovery! Many happy O’s, Amy! 😉
I really don’t care if I orgasm every time or not. Sometimes I get so close and them boom! for whatever reason it’s gone. I know that next time I will and I don’t worry about it.
Hey, Nancy! That is a little annoying, though, when you’re SO CLOSE and then whoosh it’s gone. But yeah, if you know you can get there later, it’s not that big a deal to pass sometimes. Thanks for your comment!
If it is drier time in my cycle it is harder to get aroused and so while I enjoy the intimacy, I am not aroused enough (or it takes much more work) to want to orgasm. Other times in my cycle an orgasm is highly desirable. 🙂
Also, in the past couple of weeks with having family visit, we have been squeezing our times together into the morning. And honestly I’m just not awake enough to put in that energy to think about having an orgasm. Let me bethinking about it until afternoon siesta time and I might be ready though!
Ah, morning! Not my favorite time to do…well, anything. Also, those squeezing-it-in times can be especially hard to commit to that orgasm. Sometimes it happens, sometimes not so much. It sounds like you’re doing what you can to enjoy what you can. Best wishes with your marital intimacy! Blessings, berjiboo!
Thanks so much for this post, and for the comments from other women. When I try to explain this to men they think I am making it up!
I do write fiction, but this isn’t part of my pretend world. 😉 I’m loving that the comments confirm this point, Paul. I am not alone!
But don’t tell those husbands to stop trying to pleasure us wives. By no means! But if we say we don’t need the O this time, we’re not lying. Sometimes we just don’t.
I tell them to give her what she wants. Do whatever it takes when she wants to climax, but don’t push her to climax when she says she does not want to.
We’ve heard from women who say no when they don’t think they could climax easily because the know he will not give up. So both of them are missing out on sex because he wants to give her something she does not want!
So true, J! While I definitely prefer to have that big O most of the time, there are days that I just don’t feel like it, or I just want to bless him with nothing in return, or like you said, my body is just off. the longer we have been married, the more Ok I feel when it doesn’t happen sometimes. When we were first married I felt like I was broken, but now I realize there are just some days it won’t happen and that’s ok! I love to feel the freedom to tell him I don’t need it today and to never fake it and not be real. Especially with something so intimate!
Wonderfully said, Erin. I definitely encourage wives to NOT FAKE one if they don’t have an orgasm and don’t particularly feel the need this time around to have done. We need to open and honest with our husbands and just explain how our sexuality differs from theirs. I’m so glad you pointed that out.
I’ve been married to the same beautiful woman for 26+ years, and I only learned that she is content without an orgasm (sometimes) in the past couple years. I can’t believe I spent over 2 decades with her, always thinking there was something wrong with ME if she didn’t make it. I am SO grateful for women like you speaking out and teaching Christians about this sort of thing!
Man, the lies I have believed… It just blows my mind!
Sometimes it feels like we couples just aren’t open about these things, especially early in our marriage. We have all these thoughts and expectations about sexual intimacy — based on our history, what we were taught, how our own bodies work — and we don’t iron out the misassumptions. I bet you’re not alone, Jason, in learning more about your wife’s body well into marriage; maybe with so many years and experiences under our belts, we’re finally willing to open up and share more deeply about our sexual pleasure.
(That’s been true in my own marriage, too. About other things than orgasm, but still…) 🙂
This is SOOO true! If I were to sit down and write an article about how I feel and why, its exactly what I would say! I could hardly believe it! As I read, I would think, “Well, ‘this’ too” only to keep reading and the next line or paragraph to cover that ‘this’. Thinking I should have my husband read it as well… just in case its something he doesn’t know yet…
Well, hello, fellow “J”! Guess we share more than an initial; we share the same thinking on this topic. 🙂 Thanks for commenting.
My orgasm is so finicky that I would be beyond frustrated if I thought I needed one every time. All of the reasons you list have been at play at different times for me.
Sometimes, my need for emotional connection is so much greater than my need for a physical release. While I would like an orgasm, it’s no biggie if one doesn’t happen. Other times, I just can’t get my mind or body in the zone and I know it isn’t going to happen. And as my husband and I get older, there are times HE is the one who can’t get there–so I would rather do what he needs us to do sexually, even if it means that I will need to wait until next time. (There are also times when it doesn’t happen for either one of us. It’s like “if tree falls in a forest and no one is there to listen, does it really make a sound?” Only it’s, if neither person finishes, did they really have sex?”)
Good point that as husbands get older, sometimes they don’t orgasm. I know some see this is a horrendous problem, but I don’t believe an occasional just-didn’t-happen is worth getting rankled over. As you say, the sexual encounter still has real merit and pleasure, even if climax isn’t reached.
Of course, we’d all rather reach the peak, hopefully more often than not, but now and again if it doesn’t happen, just enjoy what you can and anticipate when it will happen the next time. Thanks, Chris!
Speaking for my wife, she does not really care if she has an orgasm (she has told me this). In fact, she has had only 1 or 2 in 30+ years of marriage due to health conditions. She simply enjoys the time with me. I too wished that I knew this early in my marriage. I only discovered this last year!
1 or 2? Hmm…that seems a little odd. I believe most wives can achieve orgasm frequently if there are no physical or emotional obstacles and the couple pursues that as a worthy goal. But you did mention her health problems. Regardless, I’m thrilled that she enjoys that time with you.
Indeed, I suspect that if I never orgasmed again, I’d still want that deep connection with my husband. Many, many blessings, Seeker!
This post honestly makes me a bit relieved! On those days I “just don’t feel like it” I try to focus on my husband and just enjoy being with him. It keeps me from being disappointed if I don’t climax and also helps me to say yes, even when we are in a time crunch. On the (more frequent) days I do want to reach climax we make plenty of time and my husband is happy to oblige.
Hey, Melissa! Gotta love those happily-obliging husbands. 😀 Honestly, I think the attitude from husbands willing to focus on their wives’ pleasure makes it feel even more a-okay to skip the O now and then.
Thanks for sharing this. What you have described is almost exactly how I feel. My husband understands it intellectually, but I think he still finds it a bit hard to believe!
Yeah, I think plenty of husbands are confounded by this truth. Buh-lieve it, guys!
Thanks, Gaye!
For me skipping the big O will leave me in that state to always be ready for my husband, the next time he wants to have sex. The big O can leave me satisfied for days. So skipping it willl leave me in a state to satisfy my husband. What women won’t do for a man.
Interesting. Physically, wives don’t need much recovery time between orgasms — making us able to experience even multiple ones in a single sexual encounter. But with stimulation and no orgasm, surely the tension would build toward the next encounter. Thanks for your comment, Patty!
I don’t achieve orgasm very easily at all. The easiest is when we can have foreplay part of our time together but ever since having kids sensations are different and very rarely do I actually enjoy that. But overall I am satisfied with our times together. I know once growing/birthing/and nursing babies is over then we can better figure out what works and what doesn’t when my hormones are just mine and not trying to also maintain the life of a little person.
Yeah, those hormones will do a number on your body. Over the course of a long marriage, I think wives vary in what works and feels good and brings about climax — because our bodies shift with the seasons. Enjoy the closeness, orgasm when you can, and hang in there knowing that you have a lifetime together to climb that peak over and over. Blessings, Leah!
Perfectly expressed exactly how I feel. I love to orgasm and do so frequently, but there are just those times, just as you described, where I just want to please my husband and allow him to be the center of the universe. I think he likes that pretty well too. 😉
In the long course of a covenant marriage, it’s beautiful to me that, with so many sexual encounters, it’s no big deal to focus on one or the other at times. So while the wife skips O this time and makes her husband, as you say, “the center of the universe”…there may well be another time when hubby focuses on her and she feels like the sweet spot in the galaxy. Ooh la la!
Thanks, Barb!
My wife will skip the O sometimes when time doesn’t permit or its getting late. But we always try to satisfy her needs. It always a turn on to me when I know she has climaxed. However she has those times, like other posters who have the O, but its not quite earth shattering. She says that it gets to the top and then just disappears. Not sure why, but her body doesn’t seem to ever “explode”. She does enjoy it, but I want to experience that “explosion”. Anyway, I just found your blog and I hope to explore it more with my wife. Thanks for your words and insights.
I just put up a survey on this – svy.mk/1mxNz73
My husband I have been married just over 2 years, and I still have difficulties achieving the big O. In fact, I’m not really sure I’ve ever had one. Yes, there are times in sex that feel really good to me, and I’ve definitely had the sensation that a few have mentioned of “getting to the top and it just disappearing”. This may be a silly question, but at what point during sex do most women orgasm or try to orgasm? Before, after, or at the same time as their husband?
I’m thankful for the mentors and resources we were given in our premarital counseling that helped me realize there anything necessarily wrong with me. Having difficulties made it essential that I be alright with not reaching orgasm every time. I love sex with my husband, and the connection it gives us. It can be hard to find a balance between simply enjoying his pleasure and the pleasure of oneness, and wondering if your giving up on your own pleasure to quickly.
I’m thankful for resources like your website for Christian women to talk about these issues, and wonder where else you would recommend one should seek advice and counsel. I find that it is harder to find someone to be able to ask questions and get help from face-to-face as it seems like a random thing to bring up at your annual gynecologist check up (especially if she/he isn’t a Christian)!
At first, most wives climax before their husbands. Digital manipulation and oral stimulation are often the best ways for a couple to learn where and how she needs/likes to be touched to reach orgasm. Once a woman has experienced that peak, she better knows how to get there again. An orgasm during intercourse also feels a little different (although still in the category of Awesome). It’s a little more difficult to achieve orgasm from intercourse alone, and I suspect more likely to happen once you and hubby have been together for a while. Simultaneous orgasm is a lovely experience, which doesn’t happen consistently (it’s a bit of tricky timing, you know?), but it’s also more likely to happen later down the road when you know each others’ bodies and movements so very well. I do believe almost every woman can achieve orgasm, but learning how to get there is a short trip for some and a longer journey for others.
I wrote more about orgasm in my Sex Savvy book, but I hope this bit helps! Best wishes with the Big O!
I feel like I “need” to orgasm every time. I hear often about how sex is a need for men. But I feel as a woman it is a need for me. I honestly don’t feel satisfied if I don’t orgasm. Sometimes when I am feeling down or upset I ask my husband for an orgasm because I know it will give me a natural high. In fact I usually have 2-3 orgasms during sex (sometimes more) and we have sex multiple times a week. In my own head I feel like it’s not fair if men can come every time but it’s OK if women don’t. I mean once in a while I won’t care if I don’t orgasm, like if I’m tired. But I have a higher sex drive than my husband at this stage of our lives, so this doesn’t happen often. I think Orgasms are important for women and can help with boosting moods. But then again I understand what it’s like for your body not work the way you want it to and not be able to orgasm. I have experienced both ends of the spectrum in our 10 years of marriage.
I also desire to experience orgasms every time. Our longing for sexual intimacy is among our deepest desires and strongest passions. God has placed in us these wonderful, natural desires, which we feel are fulfilled in Him through the act of marriage. Several decades ago, I was fortunate to marry a man who has been a good loving husband, an excellent, loving father to our five children and now our grandchildren. I have sex with my husband because I love him, and it’s good for my marriage. For my husband, the real “joy of sex” is giving pleasure to me: “It is by giving that we receive.” My husband has always given priority to my pleasure. I often experience successive, rapturous orgasms (often more than a handful) that we feel exemplify a mutual, self-giving of grace. Yet I do not feel fully fulfilled until my husband ejaculates. I’ve made his pleasure a necessary aspect of my pleasure as well, so even if I’ve already technically attained my “many,” I am not fulfilled until he has his “only.”