Daily Archives: April 24, 2014

Special Occasion Sex: Do You Have It?

It’s a special day in my house. I’m not sharing which one, but you know how it is — it could be a birthday, a wedding anniversary, a milestone for your marriage, or a day to remember something special from your past.

And it seems right somehow to have sex on that day. Because you want to celebrate in every way possible, including one of your favorite, and/or his favorite, activities. You want to experience the height of physical pleasure and the special bonding of your flesh. You may even want to step it up a notch and do something “extra” or different for a little spice on your special day. Whatever else happens, one or both of you won’t feel your day’s everything it could be unless some good sex is included.

Is that a good approach? Should you expect sex on your special occasion? How can you make it happen? Here are a few thoughts on special occasion sex.

Couple in bed sharing present

Don’t get bogged down by the schedule. It’s absolutely wonderful to plan for sexual intimacy on your special occasion day. However, we can get too pushy or freaked out about making it happen sometimes. Make it a priority, set aside time, plan for your special interlude. But if your kid unexpectedly throws up or your husband has to stay late for work or you start your cycle, don’t get bogged down into thinking your day is ruined. Be adaptable.

Declare it a birthweek instead of birthday and reschedule. Or go for a quickie or a hand job now and hold off on the other stuff until later. Focus on affection and romance instead. Be thankful that you have that kid, that job, that period (okay, maybe not as much that last one). Both your special occasion and sex should be blessings. If they can’t come together that way, see if you can renegotiate a little and find another way to achieve your goals. And if today doesn’t work out, you can have great sex tomorrow.

Prioritize it with your actions. We often talk a good game about what we want to happen: “Hey, honey, tonight’s the night!” But then we live the rest of our day without consideration for how to create the atmosphere and timing to be intimate. If you focus entirely on throwing the most incredible birthday party for your husband and every minute of the day is taken up by related tasks, how are you going to have the desire and energy to make love when the party’s over? If you’ve planned wonderful meals, sight-seeing, and romance for your anniversary trip but you didn’t bother to pack a cute nightie or necessary lube, what do your actions say about your attitude toward sex?

A lot of life happens seems to happen on auto-pilot: You work your job, do the laundry, make meals, drive to places, bathe the children, etc., and then you wake up and do it all over again. In those hours or minutes that are truly ours, however, we have choices about what we do. If you or your husband wants sex for that special occasion, you need to spend that precious time preparing. That could mean preparing the bed, preparing yourself mentally or with supplies (lingerie, lube, game, etc.), preparing childcare so you and hubby can have alone time, preparing by carving out time for a restive nap so you can stay awake that night, and so on. Make it a priority — not just on your lips, but in your choices on that special occasion day.

Make it special. Special occasions deserve special sex, right? If you can execute it, absolutely! But what constitutes “special sex”? Many wives would define “special sex” as slow, romantic, meaningful…while many husbands would hear “special sex” and think out-of-the-box, spicy, exciting. These aren’t mutually exclusive by any means, but consider both of you when deciding what will make your special occasion sex even more special.

Ideally, both husband and wife are attending to one another’s needs and interests (Philippians 2:3-4) — making sure the other is aroused and satisfied with the lovemaking. But you can also build into your day whatever will help you feel special and intimate. So this is the time to break out the candles and flower petals, the marital intimacy playlist, the gift certificates, the sexy lingerie, or whatever gets you more attuned to your sexual arousal and to your mate. Be willing to try something a little different — maybe a special location or position or activity. Go a bit above and beyond, because yeah, it’s a special day. Worthy of some special lovemaking.

Keep it going. Unfortunately, sometimes I hear a husband say he gets birthday sex and then he doesn’t get anything for a Very. Long. Time. That doesn’t make the sex feel special, but rather obligatory. And duty sex is not what anyone really wants. If your sexual intimacy has been sagging, maybe this special occasion is an opportunity to launch a better, more intimate sex life for your marriage. Whatever sex you had that was fabulous on your special occasion, add it your regular repertoire! Keep it going.

Nothing says that special must only happen on special occasions. Husbands reading this, yes, that means you can give your wife flowers anytime — not just on Valentine’s. And wives, you can prioritize sex or give it added oomph anytime — not just on your anniversary or his birthday. When you make sex special in your marriage all the time, having it on a special occasion is an outgrowth of your deep physical intimacy. It’s still extra and wonderful and meaningful, but it’s also simply part of who you are as a married couple. As it should be.

So what special occasions are you celebrating soon? How do you include sex as part of your marital celebration of the event?