A hearty welcome to the inimitable Sheila Gregoire of To Love, Honor and Vacuum! Sheila has long been a strong, biblical voice for healthy sexual intimacy in marriage. Today she’s sharing an idea for awakening sexual desire.
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I’ve been thinking for a while about the verse in Song of Solomon which says, “Do not awaken love until it is ready.”
I think some of us have let our love be awakened too early, or too abruptly, and so it never really woke at all.
Several routes to this disastrous awakening exist. The first is obvious: perhaps you had sex with several guys before you were married, and it was an empty experience. Most teenage girls who sleep around, for instance, don’t experience orgasm, and often don’t really experience much arousal at all. The guys aren’t really into giving the girls pleasure; they’re too young and immature. So your body doesn’t necessarily learn how to become aroused, and sex isn’t that exciting.
The other route is the exact opposite. You did everything right. You waited until you were married to make love, but your husband was so into it that everything happened very fast. And he liked it so much that he wanted to all the time. So it became a chore. You never really “awakened” love.
And I think many women are in this situation. They just don’t see what all the fuss with sex is about. It seems like everyone is lying to them. The whole culture is trying to con women into thinking it’s something great, so that you’ll want to make love all the time, but the truth is it’s not that great at all. It was designed for men, and it’s a big rip off.
Your love was awakened too early, and in the wrong way.
And chances are you’ve become a little bitter about sex. It’s just something else on your to-do list. And then you read on blogs like this one and others that Christian women are supposed to understand how much their husbands need sex, and you’re supposed to put out. Oh, great. That’s really fun now, isn’t it?
And I understand. Believe me, I do. But I also think that there’s a way past this, and I want to share it with you today to offer some hope.
Maybe what you need to do is to awaken love again. Talk to your husband about it, and if he will agree, take a sexual hiatus for two or three weeks, or longer if you have to. During that time you agree not to make love. That way the pressure is off. You’re not working towards some goal anymore. And so instead, take that time to explore. Lie naked together and just touch each other. Let him touch you and figure out what actually feels good. Have baths together.
It may kill him, and so I really don’t recommend that this last very long for his sake. But I think some women need to be reminded that they do, actually, have a sex drive. It’s just buried and never really woke up for a whole variety of reasons. And we need to figure out what feels good, and he needs to figure out what to do to make you feel good. And you can also have fun with his body, too, when you realize that your performance isn’t the point of the evening.
I don’t recommend this for everyone (though it is fun for a night every now and then in almost any marriage), but if you talk with your husband and explain it, I think it can revolutionize many marriages.
Now, do you have any tips on how to “awaken love”? What has worked for you?
For more wonderful tips on sexual love in your marriage, be sure to check out Sheila’s 31 Days to Great Sex. It’s biblical, practical, and effective in helping your marriage experience godly intimacy.
Sheila Wray Gregoire is a popular speaker, marriage blogger, and the author of seven books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. She loves encouraging women in their relationships, both with God and with their husbands, children, and friends. Her passion is for marriage, and she and her husband Keith speak together at marriage outreaches and at FamilyLife Canada marriage conferences. Sheila believes in authenticity, and gives real solutions to the very real and messy problems women, and couples, can face. You can usually find her in Belleville, Ontario, where she homeschools her two teenage daughters and knits. Preferably simultaneously.
If I may, so often it’s talked about men being denied sex by the wife. Where in my case, I so often ask and beg of my husband to make love to me and he simply refuses. I caught him once having Internet sex with other woman. And he no longer does that, but still he refuses. He says that we’ll have sex soon, and that means a week from when he says it it whenever he feels like it. I can’t get it through his head that I need it. He says he’s working on it but I see soo little effort. How do u awaken love to a man who sees sex as he could take it or leave it. He hates even just sleeping in his boxers at night if it’s too hot. I’ve told him it’s ok and he simply says no. I so often wonder if it’s me. Am I too fat? Am I too picky? Am I too this or that? Am I not pretty enough? He says I’m perfect the way I am but I rarely get marital sexual affection on a regular basis. We will be married a year in Sept. we have made love maybe 10 times. In all of this time. He tells me he loves me and shows me he loves me in ways that are appreciated but not necessary, but when it comes to this, I don’t know how much more I can take. I’ve tried talking to him about it and he just gets angry. Or he laughs or says something to sidestep the conversation. Or uses his need to go to his parent’s house as a reason he’s too busy. What am I suppose to do now? He also says he wants a child someday, but yet he is not giving me a reason to say I am ready yet and everything will be ok. Granted too it’s been less than a year and a new married couple should take their time, but it’s getting to that point where maybe we should start talking about Children but I don’t feel either of us are ready. Also there is lacking passion in our love making and I don’t know how to make that happen too when like I said. He could take sex or leave it.
I have recently started to work through 31 Days to Great Sex, and I’m loving it so far!
I also am on the opposite end of this stereotype. I am the high drive spouse, my hubby the low/er drive spouse. I wonder what the answer is to awaken love for men?
I am one of those husbands who was awakened to the fact that our love life isn’t as great as I thought it was. We are working on it, neither at a snails pace. In your above post you said that we should take a break from sex for two-three weeks or more. My question is, just how often is the average marriage having sex? We have been married for almost twelve years and no matter what I have done in the past we average maybe once a month. I would love to have some direction to where we stack up against other married Christian couples.
Thanks
When I hear frequency numbers bandied about, the typical statement is that healthy, settled marriages have sex 2-3 times a week. I don’t know how well studies do in measuring that actual information. On my blog, I’ve suggested at least once a week. https://hotholyhumorous.com/2012/10/how-often-should-you-have-sex/ Of course, desire and circumstances can drive a couple to higher frequency or less at different seasons in marriage.
But I hope that helps generally.
In my marriage the average is twice/ week or every 5 days–funny how it seems to never be less frequent than 5 days. My husband would be fine with 1-2/wk. I’d be happy with 3-5/wk. Marriage is definitely a work in progress, and is worth the effort and communication