If I Wrote the Sex Scenes

It’s too bad Hollywood won’t hire me to write a few sex scenes. I’d like to change a few misguided myths of the screen. Albeit, I don’t know if anyone would pay the ticket price to see the nitty-gritty of real sex in real marriages.

While sexual intimacy in marriage outranks mythical Hollywood sex by a long shot, it may not look so visually appealing from the sidelines. Indeed, I’ve never personally had a desire to videotape a sexual encounter with my husband to watch later — because I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t titillate me, but rather make me incredibly self-conscious about every body motion and facial expression I made from then on.

I’ll take blissful ignorance and unbridled passion instead.

Film clapboardSo what if I could write the sex scenes? How would I infuse a bit of truth onto the screen — while not repelling the audience?

1. No perfect-passion-night-becomes-long-lasting-romance. That happens all the time in movies: A couple barely knows each other, has a wild night of passionate lovemaking, and then realizes this is the person they want to live with, clean up after, and make little people with. In real life, that happens to maybe 0.0003% of the population. More often, a couple who has an amazing night of sex and decides to jump in with both feet find themselves months down the road screaming at each other and divvying up the furniture. Why? Because one night of hot sex does not a lifetime of happiness make.

Instead, my sex scene will occur at the end of the movie — as the culmination of a building of a relationship, learnings the ins and outs of this person, finding out if this is someone they want to be with for a lifetime, saying some much-needed I Do’s, and then tumbling into bed for a wild night of passionate lovemaking. Which now means so much more because the foundation is solid.

2. Her bra and underwear don’t always match. Am I the only one this annoys? So there will be some actress who had no idea she’d be making love that night, and she slips off her dress to reveal perfectly matched, gorgeous lingerie.

While I’m all in favor of wearing something nice to bed or under your clothes, there are puh-lenty of nights I wear something perfectly matched and sex doesn’t happen . . . and then I dig down to the bottom of the drawer for something to wear one day, and bam! hubby’s in the mood that night. And he doesn’t care if my bra is beige and my panties are green.

Instead, my sex scene would involve the wife pulling her last pair of underwear from the drawer, promising herself to do laundry, and then apologizing to her husband for the hole in her left cheek’s fabric. And hubby would say, “Don’t worry, sweetheart. You’d be sexy wearing a paper sack.” And then — be still, my heart — he’d offer to do the laundry.

3. They have to talk out the positioning. Somehow movie couples seem to move in tandem, in well-choreographed rhythm, like a Dancing with the Stars 10-out-of-10 performance. Whether they’ve made love once or a thousand times, the man and woman intuitively understand one another’s moves.

However, one recent moment of lovemaking in my house included this moment. “Hair! Hair! Hair!” I yelled. And my husband moved his arm and freed my hair from its painful entrapment. I don’t care how good a lover he is, yanking my hair follicles is not a turn-on.

Like it or not, quality sex can sometimes require communicating about how to move around and get everything lined up just so. It can also involve a few oopses from time to time, when unexpected entanglements happen. Or even falls. Like off the bed.

So maybe the married couple should stumble or fall now and then or say unsexy things like, “Can you move? You’re hurting my arm.” When you have that level of comfort in marriage that you can say such things, you’re likely to experience better intimate moments. That sex scene is well-coordinated, because it’s well-communicated.

4. Orgasms involve turn-taking as much as simultaneity. Movie couples tend to climax at the exact same moment, falling back onto the sheets in breathless fits of exhaustion and satisfaction. Every. Single. Time.

Sure, simultaneous orgasm is possible, even common in some marriages. But as a good friend of mine expressed so well, “This ain’t synchronized swimming.” Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn’t. Quite often in many marriages, one climaxes, then it takes a while to get the other there. Or maybe one climaxes this time, and the other doesn’t. It can vary. And not climaxing doesn’t make sex a failure. The closeness and intimacy still matter.

In my sex scenes, the couple would generously take time and help one another to figure out how to climax. If one achieved orgasm first, the other would receive additional attention until they reached the peak or decided to pass this time. Regardless, the deep physical connection and exciting sensations would be a satisfying part of the lovemaking.

Actually, if Hollywood let me write the sex scenes, very little sex would occur on the screen. I’d opt for the approach of many classic movies in which lovemaking was implied but not shown. After all, sexual intimacy in marriage is the sort of thing that should happen behind closed doors.

How would you rewrite the stereotypical sex scenes into something more like real married life?

41 thoughts on “If I Wrote the Sex Scenes

  1. Kate

    LOL!! I love this J! And you had me that, “hair, hair, hair!” There is always a moment of, “can I endure it?” And then the , “nope, I can’t seem to think of anything but my hair being pulled!” 🙂 This is so so true and something young couples who get their “romance theology” from movies need to definitely read! Love it!!

    1. M

      Ditto, lol! I always hate to say something and ruin the moment but sometimes it’s too much! It is becoming a problem as I’ve been growing my hair out per hubby’s request. Sometimes I put it up in a pony tail and that helps and sometimes the pony tail annoys me. 😛

        1. M

          Ahhhh great idea! Guess that works for the more intentionally planned rendezvous heh. “Hang on hubby gotta braid my hair.” Is that why back in the day they always braided their hair before bed??

          1. alchemist

            I almost always have a braid until like minutes before I go to sleep. I can’t stand hair in my face so it’s almost always up. And I often do yoga after dinner/ before bed. Braids are more comfy than ponytails for that.

          2. Anon

            Chair sex is also a way to avoid hair issues. There’s also other positions that are well suited for preventing (unintentional lol) hair pulling when your hair is down.

  2. Jessica

    That was awesome!! I needed a good laugh this morning! All of it, so true. Hollywood doesn’t have a clue 🙂

  3. Allison

    Okay, I laughed out loud at the “Hair!” part. What about the inevitable injuries? Noses being banged, you mentioned falling off the bed, a black eye from an elbow? Explain THOSE the next day. LOL Oh, or rug burns. Yeah, those are fun. LOL Loved this post!

  4. Scott

    Our sex scene would happen at the end of a drama. That drama would be about a couple that were married only after two months of dating. The marriage throughout the drama would be on the brink of divorce for 7 years. Showing lots of arguments, separations and contempt. The sex scene would be a complete surprise and only happen after the husband and wife finally figure out the only person they can change is them self. It would also be a drama that would include one finding God and gaining a new lifelong friend. As for the squel it is a romantic comedy. One where the husband and wife finally enjoy each other, are glad to be a part of each other’s life. The rating might have to be different than the previous drama since there will be numerous sex scenes often initiated by the wife…my beautiful wife!!

  5. Amanda

    The scenes would involve laughter, like a comedy. For instance, after a particularly tight embrace the couple might realize that it wasn’t sweat rolling down their sides … it was breast milk.

    The scenes would involve tears, too. Perhaps after an emotionally stressed day that caused deep hurts, the climax of orgasm would result in deep sobs, having finally opened the heart to heal.

    Sex in marriage is SO MUCH MORE than Hollywood wants to portray. Maybe because if they did it would reveal how much damage can happen if sex is outside of a covenant marriage relationship. Not to mention the selflessness that is often required.

  6. happywife

    This is great. It’s been a sexually lean summer around here for one reason after another. My sex scene would begin with a kiss and a promise to play around later as he leaves for work. As bedtime approaches, it is quite apparent that the houseful of their teenage sons’ friends aren’t planning to leave anytime soon, so as they climb into bed, decide that it would just be a bit too awkward to do the deed with a half-dozen 18 year old boys just 20 feet away. Kiss, kiss, cuddle… end of scene 🙂 That is real life folks at times!

      1. happywife

        Sounds good to me! Actually, schools are starting up again, said 18 year old will be leaving in a few weeks, so it won’t be long before things are back to normal and we can resume our “regularly scheduled sexual programming” 😉
        Sexcapade Sundays, we’ve missed you! ;-(

    1. libl

      I say make a lot of Hollywood like sex noises and those boys’ll disappear FAST leaving you two to do it for real. LOL!

  7. Amy

    I just laughed out loud at the “Hair, hair, hair!” comment!! Yep, been there many times! Or the time I whacked hubby in the nose when trying to change positions…fortunately, it didn’t kill the mood too much! 😉

  8. Alicia

    I liked the comment about matching underwear…. I don’t even think that I have a matching set of bra and panties….. 🙂

    1. Kelly

      I KNOW I don’t! When your boobs are a G cup…you aren’t buying your bras at Victoria’s Secret.

  9. Lori

    Oh, SO-o-o-o-o good, J! I read this one out loud to my hubby – we both couldn’t stop laughing! Then he said, “What guy would every notice matching bra & underwear – even in a movie?” LOL

  10. Shel

    The hair thing I think happens to everyone!!! I know I can definitely relate. Especially since I’ve grown my hair out. And we’ve had the occasional injuries to the nose when switching positions as well.
    But the worst thing that I think has ever happened (to me at least), the other day hubby was wearing his watch and when we went to switch positions he scratched my nipple with his watch. I literally thought he cut it off. I kept asking “is it still there?”
    Oddly enough…didn’t really kill the mood. Took a while to get over the pain, but we were able to stay in the zone!!!
    In my opinion, real, married people sex doesn’t even compare to movie sex. (:

  11. alchemist

    I like your idea of just fading out.
    Why and how did it become acceptable to have sex scenes in movies anyway? Why do people want to watch that? Focus Hollywood. Less is more.

  12. Alex

    Too funny. We often talk about how unrealistic sex scenes are. The one thing hubby and I agree that Hollywood needs to show (maybe it’ll turn some teens off) is the cleanup afterwards. Seriously the only time I’ve even seen it implied a tissue is used. We use towels or t-shirts around here. When we first married I thought something was wrong with me that I leaked afterwards. Not to mention the struggle to make sure we don’t leak on the bed, because neither of us wants to sleep on the wet spot. Sorry if that was TMI.
    Someone else mentioned the breast milk during sex issues. Yes, I remember those days well.

    1. j

      I am dying laughing at this. The wet spot on the sheets–HAHAHA yes. And I usually do an awkward waddle to the bathroom after to avoid dripping. Bet that’s attractive. 😉

      oh man, Hollywood is anything but realistic… lol

  13. libl

    There would be a toddler banging on the door screaming, “mama!!” while cartoons play loudly in the other room.

  14. Caitlin

    I almost spit my coffee out when I got to #3 and read the, “Hair! Hair!” Oh I laughed so hard because it happens so often!! Glad I’m not the only one! And those smooth, seemingly weightless transitions from one person on top to the other? I mean, come on. Your man has to spend more time in the gym than at work to be able to lift and maneuver you like that. And inevitably, your feet get caught and tangled in the sheets and you end up with the top half of your body facing one way and your legs the other.
    We should cook up a “Chicken Soup for the Passionate Soul: Tales of Lovemaking Gone Awry.” That would cheer me up. 🙂

    1. M

      Lol yes! When the hubby rolls over to his back and pulls me with him there’s nothing sexy about the grunting and groaning as I try to follow. Then of course when you’re pregnant any position changes are such a laugh. Oh wait! Hollywood doesn’t ever show a pregnant woman having sex do they??

  15. Kelly

    I laughed at the Hair comment too! Sorry J 😀 I have a similar story…in certain positions, my left hip gets disjointed and hurts like heck!! And so we gotta change positions. Not pretty or romantic but pain is NOT my friend.

  16. Keelie Reason

    Hahaha! Yes, I totally agree with you about this. I must tell you, that when my husband and I were first married, it was hard for him that we had very few spontaneous encounters. I’d certainly add to your sex scene list that at least one of us feels the urge to go to the bathroom right before. Oh, and I love how no one has to clean up after sex. They immediately get up and start getting dressed. Seriously, that isn’t real life.

    Thanks so much for this article. It made me laugh out loud and think about how ridiculous hollywood really is.

    1. MickeyLover43

      Oh my goodness……
      You are totally right- Hollywood doesn’t have a clue what real married sex is like!

      Like when one of you farts and you both laugh about it an “Carry On!”

  17. Pingback: Have Stories Damaged Your View of Sex? | Hot, Holy & Humorous

  18. Sarah

    Yeah, I would write a scene in which the first time together as a married couple was absolutely amazing even though the sex was bad. A flop actually. Uh hum. Then I would go on to show that it would take time and perfecting over the months and years following. I scoff at the scenes (as they are being fast forwarded) where first time is awesome. Um, no. The first time is awesome bc it is two lovers coming together as one before God, not because it is perfectly choreographed. Sex is then perfected as two people who love each other learn what the other person likes.
    However, I do agree that I would not actually film it. That is meant to be kept between the couple and not to be aired before the world.

  19. Anne

    If I wrote the sex scenes for Hollywood they would definitely include some interruptions by the kids coming to the bedroom door and a few re-starts. Hubby and wife trying to get each other back on track and whispering sweet nothings about how those babies came to be…and how fascinating mommy was to daddy while her body was growing those precious babies…always a win! This is real life.

  20. Denise

    Bedroom door slowly creeks open and 4 year old asks,”Mommy, why do you have candles lighted?”. “Daddy had gas and candles make it smell better.”
    “Oh”, says little voice, “Goodnight.”
    Little one returns to her own bed.
    Door is then securely closed. LOL
    Passion resumes.

  21. tiffany

    Oh my word!!LOVED this,so glad I found you.A real life Christian in a real marriage,with real struggles,who sugar coats nothing.I think I am your sista-from-anotha -motha!I never had the sexual past as you,but relate to you through all other instances.Life is not all butterflies and rainbows,we know-but we find those in life and can appreciate them.My scene has little or no foreplay-the husband says,”hey,you want to take your panties off or what?”It also has humor with both laughing when our hot kissing scene is interrupted by teeth clinking,etc.This is witty,informative,honest,and,sincere-thank you!

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