Daily Archives: September 11, 2014

What’s the Aim of His Sex Drive?

I can still conjure up memories of when I was a single woman and a man would look me up and down in a flash and then give some presumably-sexy line. Frankly, I hated that.

Most women I know have those memories and that same visceral ick reaction. We felt like slabs of meat at the butcher’s window, there to be look at, salivated over, and eaten up. We might as well have been staring into the mouth of the Big Bad Wolf.

Soooo . . . then we get married. And while being looked at with desire and hearing a hey-baby-you-wanna line from our husband should be a wonderful thing, maybe at times we hearken back to the Wolf and experience an uneasy feeling that maybe we aren’t being appreciated quite as much as we’d like.Dart hitting sketched target

I believe the ultimate issue is what is the aim of his sex drive? Let’s face it, ladies, a lot of those guys pre-marriage wanted sex. Just sex. And we were a means to an end. Sure, we might have been preferable to another and valued in some respect for what we uniquely offered. But we felt that underlying message that it was really about the sex, that we were the method through which he got what he wanted.

But most husbands I hear from (though, admittedly, not all) see it in the opposite way. Whereas the jerk who sleeps around is looking for women to satisfy his aim of experiencing sex, a committed husband is looking for sex to satisfy his aim of experiencing his wife.

That husband’s aim isn’t just the sex. In fact, as I’ve said many times before, if it was merely about the sexual climax, he could get that elsewhere or on his own. Instead, I hear from husbands who yearn deeply for sex in their marriage because in that moment they feel closest to their wives. The sex is the method, the aim is intimacy with your spouse.

So do we believe it?

Because I also hear from wives who equate their husband’s flirtations, touches, advances, and sexual expressions with what they experienced from Jerk Guy at the bar when they were twenty years younger. But is that fair? Have we allowed that bad experience to mistakenly color our interpretation of what’s happening with hubby?

I don’t know about you, but never in a million years would I have married Creepy Guy Scanning My Body Like I’m Meat, but I did marry my husband. He was one of the good guys. He fell in love with me, not just my body or what I could offer him. So why put him in the category with Creepy Guy now?

Maybe we wives need to ask what’s the aim of our husband’s sex drive? Is it only about the sex? Or do we believe it’s more — that he really, truly wants to be united with his wife?

And if it’s the latter, let that loving man check out your you’ve-still-got-it beauty. Go ahead and let him be enthralled (Psalm 45:11). Engage playfully and sexually. Trust that his aim is not the sex, it’s you. He desires you. And sex is one of his ways of experiencing that.

Do you struggle with bad memories that affect your interpretation of your husband’s advances now? How is your husband’s sex drive truly aimed at you and not just the sex?