5 Tips for Reaching Climax

On Monday, I compared various sensations of orgasm to an amusement park. (Because my brain works strangely like that.) But I know some wives still haven’t achieved orgasm, and others have been on that ride but not as often as they’d like.

So here are five tips for reaching climax:

Woman's hand counting to five

1. Empty your brain. Okay, okay, I know some of you women are clutching your sides with laughter. The notion of a wife, mom, household manager, worker, and task-master shoving everything out of her brain is like me suggesting you lasso a hurricane. But get your rope ready, girlfriend, because I believe in you!

As long as you have other things running through your brain besides your arousal and love and connection, it will be hard to climax. So how do you “empty your brain”? Start by preparing for sex, doing what you need to do to focus on the marriage bed. Then shift your mind away from stray thoughts that try to pull you away and onto what’s happening in your body and with your husband; this is a process you’ll likely have to practice. Meditate on the sensations in your body and lean into your pleasure.

By the way, one of those distractions you don’t want running through your brain is concern about whether or not you’ll climax. Thinking about pleasure and thinking about climax aren’t the same thing. Focus on your feelings, and then let the excitement happen.

2. Get to know your body. In one sense, female orgasm is pretty straightforward in that stimulation of the clitoris, direct or indirect, is what leads to that Squeee! moment. But how your clitoris likes to be stimulated is specific to you.

Which means that achieving orgasm means you need to experiment and explore how you like to be touched. Some wives like to try a bit of this on their own first, as personal education, so they can better instruct their husbands later. Or a husband can simply try a bunch of different touches — varying pressure, stroke, angle, location, etc. You can also work together, with you touching yourself and then letting him mimic the motions.

But it could be well-worth your time to take a lovemaking session, or two or three, and find out what really gets you revved up. Many husbands are very willing to give this a go, if you let them know you want to increase your excitement in the bedroom. During this time, don’t focus so much on climax as learning what gives you extreme pleasure. Extreme pleasure should eventually lead to climax.

3. Ask for what you want. Raise your hand if it feels awkward to speak up for something you want during sex! I see all of you out there, and years ago I would have raised my hand too. But honestly, how’s a guy to know what feels bad or good to you unless you tell him?

If you really want him to stop that good-heavens-doesn’t-he-know-I-hate-that move, you have to speak up. Of course, you should use your nice words — something like, “That’s a little too much pressure for me. Could you touch me more gently? I think that would really turn me on.”

Then when your husband really hits the sweet spot, let him know. As if that man just shot a nothing-but-net basket, you should cheer him on. (You go, husband! Well done.) You can leave out your pom-poms (or not), but tell him with words, moans, happy noises, or a little mutual pleasuring when he’s doing something that arouses you.

4. Change it up. The next challenge is that even when something feels totally awesome at the moment, you may need something else a minute later to keep you rising toward that peak. I feel for husbands, because some of them treat our woman parts like a genie lamp — thinking that once they find the right place and way to rub, they can just keep doing it and the magic will be released.

It’s more like rub a little here, rub a little there, harder here, softer there — yeah, like a moving target at times. But hey, your fabulous hubby is up to the challenge, and you can let him know what your body is craving for. Help him vary his approach and keep you on the path toward the peak.

As your excitement increases, you’ll likely want greater pressure, faster stroking, and maybe additional stimulation elsewhere — such as touching or kissing your breasts or digital penetration. If your arousal reaches a plateau, change something up and see if that gets you climbing again.

5. Fogettaboutit! As I said before, one of the climax-killing things you can do is worry too much about reaching orgasm. Do you want to get there? Sure. But worry tenses your body and makes you less responsive to arousal.

So once you’re in the midst of sexual pleasure, just enjoy it. Get as much pleasure as you can from the experience, and be sure to pleasure your husband as well. Your ultimate goal is intimacy, and climax is only one thing that contributes to that one-flesh experience.

If you don’t get there today, you might get there tomorrow. Or next week. Or while at the in-laws’ house during the holidays (Wouldn’t that be a hoot?). But focus on your lovemaking feeling fabulous, and you may find the orgasm comes on its own.

So there are some of my tips.

Now what suggestions do you have for achieving orgasm? What have you found that works? Or doesn’t work?

17 thoughts on “5 Tips for Reaching Climax

  1. S

    These things worked for me, personally, without knowing all the dos and don’ts. It was slowly over a course of probably 2 years that I learned to focus and relax, and now my body knows just what to do – no trying! Of course, I have an amazing husband that makes the bedroom a safe and sexy place to be! =)
    J, I am so thankful for you and your website and the blessing it has been and continues to be for me and my husband. Thank you and God bless the work you do for Him!

      1. S

        Like all married couples, my husband and I have had our difficulties and fair share of struggles. We’ve been married close to 15 years, and have had both “feast” and “famine” as far as our sex life goes. I would say that he makes the bedroom a safe place mainly by showing me respect in and out of the bedroom. He does not make fun of me or mock me, and even though I struggle (like most women) with body image, and he does not often say I am pretty or beautiful, I know I can trust him, and he has made huge effort in making our marriage a priority, and he has also put a lot of effort in making my pleasure a priority in our sex life (no worries, it’s not one-sided!) Reading this blog (about a year, now), has also helped both of us in both relaxing and opening up to each other in the bedroom, making it feel more safe. We both read it regularly, and have learned a lot from both the posts, and from what is commented. I feel like I understand him sexually on a very different level now, and it has helped me a lot!

  2. Gaye @ CalmHealthySexy

    J, this is great advice, as always. I think that speaking up to say what you like (or worse, don’t like) is one of the hardest things to learn to do. It requires a bit courage and a fair amount of practice.

  3. S

    Champagne! My sweetheart and I usually split a bottle. It’s just enough that it helps her to let the rest of the world go… and the result is that there are only the two of us and the world drops off at the edge of the blanket. Totally worth it. Nowadays you can have a champagne taste -AND- a champagne budget… it’s pretty cheap (especially compared to the alternatives).

  4. DD

    You are in my head here! I related so much to this piece–the genie in the bottle, the moving target. As a woman in her mid-50s I’m having some issues and it’s been very disheartening. I appreciate your thoughts, and I’ve “reblogged” (copied with credit to you) on my own blog. Unfortunately as I was in the midst of reading this to my dear husband… he fell asleep in the middle. Sigh. We have a lot to work on, but thanks for giving me something I wanted to read to him. I’ll try again.

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  6. K

    Fortunately climaxing usually isn’t an issue with me as long as I can clear my head and “get into the mood”. However, my problem occurs after climax – once I have climaxed my body is ‘done’. Nothing really feels good anymore afterwards. Usually not a problem but when my husband does last longer than I do, my brain and body turns into just get this over with mood which I don’t like feeling and I’m sure my husband senses as well. My husband enjoys giving me oral sex but I usually refuse since it gets me there fast and then afterwards I’m done. Just looking to see if others experience this and if so, how do you stay in the mood for more?

    1. Kat

      I’m the same way, and have been for years –not so much in the early years.

      Have thought about trying to find out why this is, but not sure if it’s something ya bring up with the doc, ya know? :/

    2. Jenn

      Orgasms can take so much out of a woman similar to a man. Even though the woman’s body is designed to have multiple orgasms, our minds will tell us a lot of times that we got what we were needing and therefore starts to shut down and move on to other things. I think just as much as we had to work to shut our minds down and relax so we could have an orgasm, we have to keep our minds focused on our husbands and how to please him next.
      I try to find little things that keep me in that mindset. Think about what it is that turns you on. Maybe it’s the simple thing of turning him on or his touch. Whatever it is, try to put your mind there and see if that helps. It has helped me over the years. The other thing that helps me is to have him continue to touch me but not necessarily bring me to an orgasm but it helps keep me in the mood.
      You could even go as far as switching it up and start with him next time and see if that helps. I have never tried that but it is a different way to approach it.

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  8. Keelie Reason

    For women that are having a hard time orgasming, I would suggest that she work with her husband to reach climax through other means. If you are ok with your husband giving you oral sex, using a vibrator, or using his fingers, then you might consider going that route. It is important for your husband to use lubricant when using a vibrator or hand stimulation. For a woman that have never achieved orgasm, this is a good way to help her understand what has to be done so that she can orgasm. When you are going with direct stimulation, you can get a better feel for what is good and what isn’t. I don’t know if there is a science behind this, but I know that the more frequently I orgasm, the more I need and can orgasm.

  9. B

    Is it “normal” that I can never reach climax during intercourse? My husband is always wiling to provide manual stimulation afterward that can get me there, but it’s never happened during the act.

    1. J Post author

      No, that’s not abnormal. It is typically more difficult to reach climax during intercourse, because that requires more indirect stimulation of the clitoris. Manual stimulation is direct.

      If you’re both happy with what you’re doing, just keep it up. If you want to try to climax during intercourse (which, I won’t lie, is a pretty awesome feeling), you might try different positions or angling during sex to see if he can increase the pressure against your clitoris as he thrusts, OR he/you could provide that manual stimulation during intercourse to see if it will push you over to orgasm. Just a couple of tips.

      But as I said, if you’re both enjoying your sexual encounters (sounds like you are 🙂 ) and you’re reaching orgasm, you’re not abnormal…you’re doing great. Blessings!

  10. Curious

    I *think* I have had one this way, but I am not sure. Sometimes I still feel like there should have been more??

    1. J Post author

      A commenter recommended this course of action. I’m a little less eager to suggest vibrators generally, because I believe most wives can achieve orgasm without them and the experience will be more fulfilling to both husband and wife if they know they can reach climax without aids. I don’t think sex toys are sinful, but they can be unwise when used too often or as a substitute for physical touch and intimacy between spouses.

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