Are Christian Sex Authors Unconventional?

woman working on laptopYou might think the automatic answer to that question is yes. After all, it’s a rather recent phenomenon to have so many Christian voices speaking openly and boldly about sexuality. It’s true that a blog like mine, primarily devoted to sexual intimacy and from a biblical perspective, isn’t common. However, I’m hardly alone. There’s been an upsurge in Christian writers and speakers focusing on marriage and intimacy.

But some recent events have reminded that we still look odd to a lot of people. After all, many of us come from religious traditions that were at best nervous and at worst condemning of sexual activity — yes, even in marriage. Certainly, many churches have a history of poor or nonexistent teaching on godly intimacy.

And now, there are a bunch of us not only willing to say the word sex publicly, but to espouse that God has stuff to say about it and we can get into some nitty-gritty ideas for married couples to spice things up. Surely, that makes Christian sex authors unconventional?

Actually, while the means of delivering our message has changed, I think biblically based Christian sex authors are the truly conventional ones. Let’s take Merriam-Webster’s definition:

conventional adjective
: used and accepted by most people : usual or traditional
: of a kind that has been around for a long time and is considered to be usual or typical
: common and ordinary : not unusual

The overwhelming message from the Bible is that God created sex for marriage and wants His people to enjoy it to the fullest. It starts in Genesis, runs through the Old Testament, and gets reinforced in the New Testament. The exhortation to have frequent, intimate, pleasurable sex within marriage has been around a long time, is typical for the Bible, and was widely accepted among God’s people for centuries.

Although God’s people have strayed in preaching and practice many times, the core message remains the same: God gave marriage the gift of sex, and we should treasure His gift.

Of course, the means by which we deliver the message has certainly changed. Rather than chatting with other women at our Mikveh and trading truths about sex in marriage, I’m typing on this keyboard and sending out my two cents to women across the world through the Internet. That part is unconventional (although I suspect it will seem conventional at some point).

Regardless, what I say here is what I’d say if we chatted it up over coffee . . . or way-back-when at the community well where we drew water. And it’s based on what God’s been saying for millennia — sex in marriage is, and should feel, good. I’m hardly breaking new ground — just finding new ways to say it.

And soon, I’ll have two more ways to communicate God’s age-old truth about sexual intimacy in marriage. I’m hoping and praying my next two books will be released before the end of the year.

One will be a weekly devotional book with 52 devotions to enhance sex in your marriage. And the second is a book of fiction, Behind Closed Doors, with five short stories about marriage and intimacy. Are these typical ways to deliver a message of truth and hope about sex? Probably not. But in everything I do, I return to the well-established foundation of God Himself and His Word.

What has struck you as conventional or unconventional about Christian sex authors? What ways have you seen for modern-day Christians to express ancient biblical truths?

14 thoughts on “Are Christian Sex Authors Unconventional?

  1. John

    On the flip side, we’ve seen a huge up-tick in people seeking information about sex in their marriage over the past few years. On behalf of all of them, thank you for openly and boldly speaking about sexuality.

  2. Frank Walker LMFT

    Yes the topic of sex needs to be discussed.
    Yes it is rather unconventional for us Christians to talk about it.
    Yes I have blushed at a few of the topics raised on your blog.
    But keep at it.
    There is a need for this conversation among Christians.

  3. Amy

    I think it’s a very important topic to address since it is not a common topic within the church pews or pulpit. Your site has helped me through some rough patches in my marriage and it’s nice to know there are Christian voices saying that sex is good and important within marriage.

    On a side note, I have recently noticed a few Christian marriage blogs which seem to pushing the envelope if you will when expressing sexual how-to’s perhaps a little too erotically. I’m not a prude by any means and am a higher drive wife who loves reading about ways to spice up and keep the sexual intimacy in my marriage alive and well, but how much information into another couple’s sex life is too much. There is all this talk about how detrimental books like 50 Shades of Grey are and porn, then a post pops up on a Christian marriage site (not yours) with very graphic specifics on sex acts and I wonder how that differs from someone reading erotica. As a Christian where is the line between providing informational sexual encouragement/instruction without it becoming too erotic? I’ve actually had to stop reading a post again, not yours J) because I felt like I was looking through a peephole into another couple’s bedroom.

    Just some thoughts, not necessarily looking for an answer — but I do wonder if I’m the only one who has noticed this.

    1. J Post author

      Thanks, Amy. Yes, I’ve seen that too — Christians who seem to over-share on the details.

      Whenever I talk about something specific in our sex life, I double-check with my husband to make sure I’m not revealing too much. And while I think readers can figure out some stuff we do, I talk about stuff here we don’t do (because it wouldn’t work for us) and also hold some things back that are our own special activities. Where to draw the line, however, is a good question. For us, it’s been a matter of “Could someone picture this and feel like they’re in our private marriage bed?” I don’t think I’ve ever described that in detail. That is, I still don’t believe everyone knows what my marital bedroom is like. It’s still our private space.

      1. Amy

        I agree, J, that you have never too much detail about your own private life. You share in a way which gives your reader’s food for thought but never too explicitly so we feel like we know what you and your husband do in private.
        But there a couple sites which have bothered me when I found them unexpectedly especially because they claim to Christian sites promoting healthy sex in marriage, yet bring such graphic details to their posts that it feels like voyeurism when you’re reading it.

        Anyway, thank you for your outreach to couples and their marriages.

    2. Ruth Buezis

      Amy,
      I believe you may be talking about my site christiansexclass.org. If that is the case, I wish you had commented directly to me.
      You are absolutely right that I went too far in my last post, as far as taking people into my bedroom. I apologize and have since removed what I believe you found offensive and what I should not have printed.
      I am rather new at this, and as you might imagine, it is not an easy thing to do. Please allow me to explain where I got off course, not as an excuse, but just so that you will know my heart. I have been camping out in John 13:2-5 where Jesus is preparing to serve his disciples by washing their feet. Before Jesus washed their feet, he got up and took off his clothes and wrapped a towel around His waste.
      I’ve just been thinking that before I can serve people, I need to get naked, meaning, I need to be real myself and share my own stories.
      Where I got way off base, is going into the narrative, and again I apologize. I can share my story without going into the narrative and taking you into my bed.
      My goal on my blog is to share what I have learned, to point women towards the kind of sex that God intends – real connection, being present, “knowing each other”, and to educate couples in a respectful way.
      Thanks,
      Ruth

      1. Amy

        Ruth, I’m sorry but I do not know of your site. I was talking in general not about any one site in particular.

        For me — and I realize not everyone feels the way I do — as a Christian and a high drive wife who absolutely LOVES sex with her husband, I still do not like to read something which takes me into another couple’s bedroom or which goes into such explicit detail on how to perform certain sex acts. I believe it crosses that line of being educational/informational into erotica. I guess I can see it on a secular site, but not one where it is represented as a Christian, kwim? I believe those type of posts could be more detrimental to a relationship especially if one or both spouses struggle with porn or erotica use.

        And therefore, I just stick with J’s site and a few others that I feel offer good information on sexual intimacy within a Christian marriage with taste and tact.

        Again, these are just my humble thoughts and not meant towards anyone in particular. 🙂

        1. Ruth Buezis

          Amy,
          Thanks for your reply. It must have been a God thing, because I knew that I had crossed that line and God was looking after me, by sending your admonition, and your extra caution to be careful in what I write.
          Thanks, Ruth

  4. Elizabeth@Warrior Wives

    So you’re part of the “Warrior Wives of Evangelical Christianity” speaking forcefully about sex and transforming terms of empowerment skewed by feminism, huh? I don’t know, I might find the tone of your advice unconventional and yet “troubling”. (wink, wink…you know I’m kidding, right?)

    I wonder if some of those who find Christian sex authors to be unconventional realize that the church has been so evasive about sex and that many of us find your writing a breath of fresh air in a subculture that has often turned to euphemisms. I know I really appreciate it!

  5. Dakotah Gumm

    J,

    Thank you so much for all your work toward removing the taboo on sex in marriage! I’m studying Family Life Ministry, and the things you teach are exactly what I’d like to teach in the ministry I am doing and will do in the future. The Church certainly needs to take a big step back from the negative views it’s been teaching on sex and start to teach what God’s Word says about the goodness of it in the marriage bed. You have such good content, I took the liberty of linking to your site from my blog. I hope you don’t mind. I can’t wait to read the new books!
    God’s blessings!

  6. Jason

    Don’t forget that a lot of husbands are attending this convention, too. There is a great deal that we can learn by eavesdropping on your conversations with other ladies. 🙂 Thanks for being a voice that so many people need to hear.

  7. Melissa

    I believe blogs like this are a modern answer to the Titus 2 instructions for more experienced women to teach the younger women “to love their husbands”. The mandate itself is ancient.
    As for the husbands visiting in an attempt to understand their wives, may God bless your efforts for trying to live with your wife in an understanding way.

  8. Paul Byerly

    When there is a backlash for speaking out, one must be unconventional or totally out of touch to take on the challenge.

    So thankful a growing number are willing to speak out!

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