Manual Play for Her

Most wives enjoy their husbands touching them with deep embraces and gentle caresses, but what about something more titillating? How can a husband use his hands to stir up his wife’s desire and give her oodles of pleasure?

Manual Play for Her

Manual play refers to your hubby using his hands on your genitalia to arouse and satisfy you sexually. There’s quite a bit he can do down there with his talented, God-given hands. Let’s talk about a few approaches. (I do get pretty detailed, by the way.) If something here intrigues you, invite your husband to give it a try.

Rub-a-dub-dub. Hubby can use his fingers or whole hand to simply rub your privates. This might feel best away from the most sensitive areas, like the clitoris, instead focusing on either side of your vulva or the “mound,” or mons pubis, above the genitals. The right pressure is important, and he should probably approach it like a massage stroke.

Tease and please. Speaking of pressure, his fingers can be used with soft strokes to tease and please all of the areas of your pleasure places. One tip most men need is to go slow. Sometimes a husband can get antsy wanting to rev things up quickly and get you to that powerful peak. However, women usually respond better by warming up slowly and enjoying all the lovely sensations along the way. Let him know this is a tease-fest, and you want him to stay with it until you beg for more.

Round and round he goes. I’m talking circles. Why am I giving circles its own section? Because it’s very easy to explain to hubby and can feel very good to wifey. Where can he circle his hand or fingers? How about around your vulva? The perimeter of your vaginal opening? Your clitoris? All of those places would likely respond to circular motion with his hands.

Slip-’n-slide. Let him come inside. Have hubby slip his finger into your vagina, called “digital penetration.” Usually, the finger that works best is the middle one, because of its flexibility and the rest of the hand stabilizing it. Using that finger also allows him to have other fingers free to stroke or rub the area outside as well. If you’d like, he can add another finger or two, increasing the friction and sense of fullness. He can simply caress your vagina, thrust in and out to mimic intercourse, or hook his finger toward the front and try to locate your G-spot. If he can find it (no guarantee, but worth a shot), your pleasure will likely build even more with direct contact to that sensitive site.

What’s the goal of manual play? Primarily, it’s foreplay. It should be a huge turn-on to you and to him for you to be touched. In this way, your husband can explore your tender places and get to know your body more fully. Meanwhile, you can experience the pleasurable sensations of being lovingly touched in your most private area.

Manual play is also a fabulous way to get your lubrication going. In order to have intercourse, you need to be “wet.” If he can stimulate you first with his hands, then he can reach in a bit, draw out your natural lubrication, and spread it over your vulva. Don’t worry if you’re not producing much on your own, though. You can always grab some personal lubricant and use it during manual play, or introduce it before intercourse. Your manual play might actually feel better with some added wetness to get things moving.

Note that manual play is a great method of reaching climax. Many wives respond well to their husband’s hands stimulating them down below. Quite frankly, a hand can be more precise and adaptive than a penis. Thus, if you need a certain level of pressure or for him to hit that right spot, having him “finger” you might be the best way to nudge you up that climax cliff and send you over the edge. This position can also be very enjoyable for a husband, because he gets to watch the entire thing. Most hubbies love seeing their wives experience that wave of excitement, and knowing he did it all with his hand is a pretty awesome attaboy he can give himself.

A few last-minute tips for manual play, to make sure things go smoothly.

Give him access. For years, I didn’t think our girly parts were all that pretty, so I wasn’t super-willing to show them off to the hubby. He doesn’t see it that way. Regardless of how we feel about ourselves down there, we need to embrace our husband’s fascination with our goodies. Hubby likely thinks it’s an amusement park down there, and he’s itching to pay his ticket and see the sights. So let him. Share your feminine beauty by breathing easily, opening up, and letting him see and touch this special part of your God-woven body.

Use lubricant. Your own natural juices or purchased personal lubricant or coconut oil will help your husband’s hands glide across your private places and the contact will feel much better to you. After a bit of stimulation, you can invite your husband to swirl his finger into your opening and draw out the wetness there to share with the rest of your area.

Go slow. Make sure he knows this isn’t a race. You want to enjoy his hands and fingers fondling you, so ask him to give you time to bask in his talents and your sensations. Your arousal will be heightened if he can start slow and build the speed, pressure, and intensity as your body responds to his touch.

Remember the clitoris. The clitoris is a particularly sensitive area of your privates. It’s a knobby bit of flesh at the top of your vagina that swells when highly aroused. Climaxes occur when the clitoris is directly or indirectly stimulated, and manual play can take real advantage of that. Your husband can see directly when he’s hitting that spot and lean into that pleasure for you. Show him exactly where you want to be touched, pointing out the location of your clitoris and the type of strokes that feel best.

Manual play can be an excited part of your lovemaking. Add it to your foreplay, use it to explore and experience orgasm, and let your husband be hands-on with his wife. Pay attention to the beautiful sensations that emerge, and thank God for the fabulous skill of hands.

58 thoughts on “Manual Play for Her

  1. BC

    I want to say a hearty AMEN!! to the following comment you made.
    “Regardless of how we feel about ourselves down there, we need to embrace our husband’s fascination with our goodies. Hubby likely thinks it’s an amusement park down there, and he’s itching to pay his ticket and see the sights. So let him.”

    This is so true that I can’t say “AMEN!” loud enough. It is frequently the unconscious shame that a woman feels regarding her body that can prevent her willingness to open up fully. With some couples, the woman may not realize the pain this can cause the hubby as his hunger and desire to see the God-given beauty of his spouse is hindered by her fear almost unknowingly.

    As a man, I can say that the willingness of the wife to joyfully and playfully reveal herself visually to her man can be a turn-on that is immensely unifying and bonding to his wife. This freedom of childlike playfulness and exploration of different sensations of pleasure with his hands will lead to a real joy and a happy marriage.
    There are appointed times when a woman can lay down her modesty and celebrate both verbally and physically the joy of being in a beautiful body, woven and knit together by God himself!
    Most men would agree we enjoy the playtime down there whenever possible 🙂
    Thanks J for bringing up the cool pleasures of fingers and hands on the vaginal area.
    Your open discussions are such a welcome and needed contribution to the Christian community!

    1. J Post author

      Thanks! I appreciate your hearty AMEN. I try to represent male thinking as best I can, but it’s always great when a husband chimes in and says, “Yes, that’s it!” 🙂

    2. Stuart

      Well said BC. That one came from the heart sir.

      As a husband, I agree that most men really do love quality time in their wives sacred place. 🙂 Not just as a hurry up to the next step but one in which we take pleasure in.

      Thanks for sharing your heart. If more men like us would speak up unashamedly and in a loving manner about this maybe, with God’s help, more women will “open” up to their husband.

  2. G

    Here’s a biggie: Recognizing that husbands find their wife’s God-given form beautiful and, gulp, desirable. Yes, sisters. We dig it. You might think it’s your everyday, run-of-the-mill body that never looked as good as Marsha in gym (see Brady Bunch for more Marsha references). For your husbands, you are not the Jan. You are the Marsha. As J so aptly puts it, relax and open up — and may I add, that’s almost more important figuratively than it is literally. Our brains have very simple wiring. Yours are a lot more complex; being open to an experience like manual stimulation will mean the world to your husband. And, chances are likely, it will make the it wonderful for you as well.

    1. J Post author

      I always related best to Cindy Brady. LOL. 🙂 But I love the analogies. Thanks, G!

  3. BC

    I also wanted to thank you for the recommendation of the book “Lovemaking”! I started reading it and agree it is wonderful! I want to pray for God’s richest blessings on ALL those who are willing to bring up the unspoken, but needed, discussion of freedom and healing in the sexual arena of life. I myself have been transformed and changed to a new level of freedom in my sexuality as a result of the new wave of bold individuals who can say “Why don’t we talk about that?”. Keep up the good work!
    For those of you who are considering getting the book “Lovemaking” Its truly worth every penny!

    1. J Post author

      Fabulous to know. My (signed) copy is sitting on my night table, since I was planning to share it with my hubby. 🙂

      1. lynn

        I left mine on the kitchen counter, and my husband called me up at work later that day to read parts of it to me. Seriously – I can’t recommend this book enough.

    2. Betsy

      Hubby and I bought the Lovemaking book too. We’ve read several of the books J recommends.

  4. G

    J, could you provide a link to the Lovemaking book? The title is a little general for Amazon and well, let’s say there’s quite a bit of material out there within that nomenclature. And, most of it is silently authored counterfeit by the guy who would like to see us continue the confusion between Godly and worldly sexual relations.

  5. IntimacySeeker

    I appreciate that you wrote this in a frank and delicate manner. Your choice of words (“caress” and “God-woven) made me sit up and feel beautiful! This post also reminds me of when my husband said, “I love ALL of you!” Kudos. And thank you!

  6. Mrs. Robbins

    Excellent article! Good for you for writing it! I bet you had fun doing your “homework” for it! 😉 My hubby TOTALLY rocks my world this way! We’ve been married 18 years. I FINALLY loosened up and totally let go of my inhibitions a couple of years ago. Wish I had at the beginning of our marriage! He definitley enjoys the “amusement park” more these days! And, of course, I do too! 😉 It’s kind of funny, now I am in the worst shape physically/weight wise (working on that) of our marriage and NOW we are having the hottest sex ever! Just a word to the ladies out there … relax, let go and enjoy … it’s your husband … he loves you … “flaws” and all! 🙂

    1. J Post author

      Yeah, I looked better 20 years ago, but we have better — and more giving — sexual intimacy now. Well-said, Mrs. Robbins!

    2. anonymous

      Married many years a still love giving this manual stimulation to my wife. It is the best amusement park ever and even more so at my age (72). I have not been successful in my wife giving me access. The legs remain very tight for quite some time well into foreplay. Manual entry slowly becomes available after quite some time into foreplay where she begins to get quite aroused. At this point, some opening up is available just enough to get one or two fingers in but then the legs close up not allowing much movement of my hand or fingers, but just enough for her to reach orgasm. Once this happens, It’s all over with manual play.
      Continuation on my part is desired but I respect her wishes. This is and always been my most favorite part – a guy thing I guess. Needless to say, oral on her part is not desired also. Any suggestions please?

      1. J Post author

        You say what’s happening, but I don’t get the feeling that y’all have talked about this. Do you know why she is resistant? Technique and tips don’t seem to be the way to proceed. You need to know why she feels so uncomfortable giving you access.

        1. Anonymous-M

          J,
          I think it is the way we were raised. Sex was never talked about but always assumed a no-no. It was ignored in conversation but downplayed if the subject ever came up. Inhibition I believe is the result at least for my wife. Our Catholic faith has also had an impact on rigidity but I believe that is loosening up some. For me, pretty much raised the same way but opposite in prowling sexuality and wanting to experient more and more even though I am somewhat an introvert. It’s all good in what do and have sexually, but just looking to “open a few more doors”. Thanks for the release of your inhibitions in writing so explicitly and well. You kept my attention.

          1. J Post author

            I’ve heard good things about the Theology of the Body classes in the Catholic faith, which talk more openly about sex in marriage. I’m evangelical, so this is secondhand information, but I have Catholic friends who say that it’s good stuff. Do you know anything about it? If it’s worthwhile, maybe your wife would be willing to look into that.

          2. Anonymous-M

            J,
            Yes I am aware of Christopher West Theology of the Body. It is a great read as is Holy Sex by G. K. Popcak on Catholic marital sexuality. Talk about Hot sex, the write ups are exceptional and as about as detailed anyone would want (too much tmi for some I’m sure). These books have opened up many doors liberating sexuality for Catholics. The freedom to perform along with its limits are well laid out. Of course with all of these doors now opened, male ejaculation must still be deposited in the vagina for all marital sexual activities. There is no open ejaculation allowed without penalty of mortal sin, even in the loving/pleasuring moments of self giving. The woman is allowed to openly reach orgasm before, during or after a sexual intercourse session only as well.

            My wife has been encouraged to read these books, but after a few years has not opted to. I have filled her ears with the contents and this has not moved her either.
            Now J, if I may ask, are Evangilical males allowed to ejaculate freely outside the vagina during any love session ? And are females allowed to orgasm freely during any love session? Thanks.

          3. J Post author

            I suspect you know the answer. Evangelicals do not agree with the Catholic conclusion that male ejaculate cannot be “spilled” outside the wife. I’ve actually covered this with a discussions on masturbation, if you want to read that: http://intimacyinmarriage.com/2011/10/19/more-masturbation-talk-from-a-couple-of-wive/ and http://hotholyhumorous.com/2012/09/masturbation-hands-on-or-hands-off/ That said, I haven’t made a point of dissuading Catholics from their viewpoint. We should each study what the Bible says and act in good conscience before God (see Romans 14:22-23).

  7. Ham

    “An amusement park.” Reminiscent of Song of Solomon 4:12, where he speaks of his lover as being a private garden. Wives, if you get nothing else from this thread, please know that your man loves your body. He loves how it looks, he loves its fragrance, and he loves its taste. And that’s precisely how God made it to be: cherished and adored.

    1. J Post author

      Thank you! I hope that all husbands hear how important it is to build their wife up this way. Way to set an example, Ham!

  8. libl

    Sadly, my own husband doesn’t fall into the “most husbands love to spend time there” category. He doesn’t seem at all fascinated by or interested in playing with my “sacred place”.

    Regardless of my own marriage bed problems, I know this post is about manual play for the vulva, but men, please don’t ignore other erogenous zones. I have told hubby that often my entire body is erogenous and lightly carressing an arm, or feeling the curves of her waist…light tender touches all over that grow increasingly stronger as her arousal builds can really be amazing. Don’t forget inner thighs, the navel all while doing manual. If you have two hands, use them!

    1. IntimacySeeker

      I agree. The manual play described in this post would be most awesome after 20 minutes or so of non-genital touch. I often ask my hubby to caress all the parts of my body he usually ignores. He’s a bit anxious to get down to business.

      1. J Post author

        I agree with what y’all are saying. I didn’t include that in this post, because I was focused on this one specific activity. But yes, hubbies, don’t just grab the goodies…take your time. Thanks, ladies!

        1. B

          I regularly remind my hubby that I want him to take his time getting there, and then once he’s there he needs to act like he means business and not take so much time lol.

  9. Teresa R

    great article, J. I have a wonderful husband who knows how to touch me intimately. He made a suggestion a few years ago about me “squirting”. Within a few tries, he got me to squirt and now I have a hard time trying not to squirt. He can vary his touches slightly and I have multiple orgasms, He is truly a treasure from God.

    1. J Post author

      Yes, I’ve talked about this “female ejaculation” thing. (I do wish there was another quick word besides “squirt.” :/) It seems to be related to contact with a specific area. If that’s something you two enjoy, good for you. And multiples? 😀

      Blessings!

  10. anonymous

    My dear man lets his fingernails get long and sharp, and has fingers the size of kielbasa, so – not usually a fun time for me 🙁
    Also (I see there are a lot of men commenting on this, so let me give a woman’s view): do not treat the clitoris like a doorbell. Maybe your stuff works that way, but mine doesn’t. I love my husband but in our first intimacy after marriage, I thought he was trying to send a telegraph message. Also, if you have had another lady in your life before, do not assume that Lady B will like what Lady A liked.

    1. J Post author

      Some good advice here. And honestly, I nearly spit up my smoothie laughing at your turns of phrase: “fingers the size of kielbasa”? “do not treat the clitoris like a doorbell”? Oh my!

      I hope you can talk to your hubby and give him a few of your own tips, maybe a bit more gently. 😉

  11. Mary

    So very interesting! It’s true “my womanly gateway to intimate heaven my husband would say” we have become a no shame couple. After 30 years of marrige our sex live is best now👼 We began our marrage both thinking of sex was like meat sacrificed to idols. We don’t live in a world that treats women very well but because of our freedom in Christ our sex lives are very exciting. I know what he loves to do and one is adoring my vagina. So I keep mine clean and available and let his fingers do the talking and what ever other body part of his he decides to use. It’s fun it’s pure its respectful and ends up being really messy👳👼😘

  12. Mrs C

    J,
    Hubby and I have been married a year and I haven’t been able to get him to do much manually besides the occasional clitoral stimulation. I’m very diligent to keep my lady parts well groomed and clean, but he thinks the whole region is “disgusting” and says he “doesn’t want to look at that.” I, on the other hand, would love to get more attention down there!

    Besides this facet, we have a great, frequent sex. He’s just very squeamish and I don’t want him to be uncomfortable in the bedroom, but at the same time, this desire isn’t exactly kinky and if I don’t talk to him, he’ll never know. Do you have any suggestions?

    1. J Post author

      Honestly, my knee-jerk to emails like this are wanting to walk up to your husband and say, “What’s up, dude? ALL of her is lovely! God said it. It’s true!”

      Since you’ve only been married a year, there’s a lot of time for this to turn around. I’d be asking some questions when you’re not in the bedroom, trying to figure out why he feels this way. Because it’s not typical. So I wonder if he received from wrong messages from his past that you could address with listening and scripture and encouragement. If he doesn’t respond, maybe you could tell him this is an unusual response and you’d like to seek answers or counseling for his aversion. Explain how being rejected in that area makes you feel rejected overall, and that you want all of you to be pleasing to him.

      As always, when discussing problems about sex, the tough thing is to remain positive, hopeful, and encouraging. With your heart so deeply involved, and hurt, it’s difficult not to fall into whining or pleading or crying. But try to push toward something better, step by step, bit by bit. You probably won’t get it all done in one conversation; it may require several interactions. And a practical tip: Most men do far better with shoulder-to-shoulder communication about emotional topics than face-to-face. So take a walk or a drive or engage in an activity when addressing this issue. Putting it another way, it’s kind of amazing what some guys will reveal while fishing or golfing. 😉

      Blessings! Hang in there, Mrs. C.

      1. Anonymous

        I have a bit of this problem too. He’s a lot more positive than that verbally, but in the moment he just doesn’t seem very excited about exploring me. He just wants to do whatever works for me (which we don’t know what that is yet anyway) and be done with it (but you gotta explore to find what’s good, right?). But then the bigger problem is that his fingers get too tired to actually do that. Usually about the time that something starts feeling good and I want him to just keep doing it (even if I say something like “oh that’s good, keep that up”), he says, “my fingers hurt” and stops, or changes angles. Between that and the lack of enthusiasm, I’m never satisfied.

        It’s not all his fault; vibrators haven’t helped either, but I do wish he could be more consistent for longer, as when he’s on target (which is rare), it’s better than a vibrator, at least for a short time. One of the generally suggested exercises is to set a timer for one-sided exploration, but he hasn’t been interested in that when I’ve suggested it; he gets bored and constantly asks me, “what do you want me to do?”. I don’t understand this, given the enthusiastic comments I’ve read from guys on posts like this. He wants enthusiasm from me but doesn’t show me much himself and doesn’t want me to explore him either. How is that supposed to work?

        Vanilla is good enough for him but doesn’t do it for me. We may have tried French vanilla, or vanilla-lemon, but it’s still vanilla. I want cookies and cream, or chocolate chunk, or something! I don’t know what I want, actually. Maybe I want pie? Er, let’s not take this too far… (Married eight years now. I’m clean, not overweight, no known medical issues, one child under two. Getting pretty discouraged. It’s a vicious cycle.)

        1. J Post author

          Could you spend more time in other foreplay before you get to that area? Sometimes that can help, so you’re more aroused when he begins and he doesn’t get so tired during manual play. You could also have the caveat that he mix it up a little, moving to another erogenous zones with his hand or mouth when he feels weary, and then returning to manual play later. Another option is adding your own hand to get yourself started or to help when he tires, as long as you two are both okay with that.

          But the heart of what you’re saying seems to be his attitude. You want him to be more willing and engaged. Totally understandable. Consider how you two go about this: Does he feel inept in some way, so it’s not a pleasant experience for him? Is there something you could do to encourage his playful side? I don’t know what that is, but I simply wonder if you could tap into the underlying reasons or find a way to get him to lighten up and enjoy it more himself.

          I’ll be thinking about this more. Blessings!

          1. Anonymous

            Thanks for the response. Yeah, we both feel pretty inept, honestly, and I think we both want the other to be more engaged and enthusiastic now. Have to say that I did the best I could, clueless as I was, from the beginning of our marriage, even though I felt like I was overdoing the enthusiasm a bit, as in, acting more enthusiastic than I really felt (never faked a climax though, because I never had one, so I didn’t know what it should look like anyway).

            The difference is that an enthusiastic but inept act for him is perfectly satisfying (tab A in slot B is all he needs, apparently), whereas it’s totally not for me. It took a long time for me to realize that while it was fun for him, it ended up being depressing and unsatisfying for me. Things spiraled downward from there when he realized that too. He kept saying things like “we’ll figure it out at some point” but the years went on and we haven’t figured it out yet.

            To address your other points, we’ve tried massages and stuff (I do love massages in general), but it doesn’t seem to make a difference. I pretty much don’t seem to get aroused without penetration of some kind. I’ve tried self-manipulation (solo and with him) but that never does anything for me, or sometimes it hurts at the wrong angle. We’ve tried oral a couple times (but he doesn’t like hair and I’m not a fan of trying to shave completely), and that felt nice, but not much more than a massage. (Nice doesn’t cut it.)

            Hate to be so negative about the suggestions, but thought it would help to know what we’ve tried and what happened. I’ve been reading your blog and several of the related ones for years, hoping for insight on these issues, so I’m familiar with most of the usual suggestions. Something about this post prompted me to actually comment for once. I appreciate any help.

          2. J Post author

            I think you should talk to your doctor about your body’s responses. At least, that’s where I’d start. I am not a medical professional, but some of what you describe sounds like what I’ve heard with estrogen deficiency or oral contraception side effects (not sure what, if anything, you use). I’d just make sure your body is cooperating the way it should. Be clear, straightforward, and persistent about wanting to thoroughly check things out.

            Blessings!

          3. Anonymous

            I don’t know if you’ll see this later response, but I’ve been thinking about what you said. I agree with you that I need to get another doctor’s take on the situation. I’m only 31 and have never taken any medications or hormones or anything that might normally have this kind of effect. The only contraception I’ve ever used is condoms on him. It’s certainly possible there’s a hormone deficiency at work, and I’ve got an appointment to do blood tests, so we’ll see.

            With manual play, I feel like the instant he stops or switches what he’s doing, I go back nearly to square one, whereas with penetration, the more I get, the more I want. Neither is satisfying. I’ve tried suggesting different activities and variations that sparked my interest, but nothing ever feels as good as I imagined it would (it’s usually either just nice (insufficient) or painful).

            There has been a time or two where we found just the right angle or something, and for a few minutes, I totally loved what he was doing and thought I was making progress. Then his hand slipped or he decided to vary it up, and I lost it. I did communicate that at the time, too. There was never any doubt for either of us that for a short time, he made me feel really good, but we never knew what was different about that time and could never recreate it purposely. So I think I know what it should feel like to enjoy clitoral stimulation, but I just don’t 99% of the time, and I don’t know why. If it felt good like that most of the time, I think I’d reach a climax (or at least have fun trying), but it doesn’t.

        2. anonymous

          Anonymous, I have been married for 9 months and have had similar issues as you. My body would shut down if just one little thing was off. I bought an essential oil called Shutran (testosterone) Can I just say…WOW. I used a drop in the morning and by evening I was totally into it. Nothing could stop me from getting to where I wanted to be! Its not fun when the body doesnt do what you want it to do. Pray you guys were able to figure some things out 🙂 :*

  13. Anonymous

    Thank you for writing this, J! It seems that much of the info about manual play is geared toward the woman pleasing the man. So it’s refreshing to read this post. Especially because it’s clean, honest, and well written.
    As a woman, I feel everything you wrote is spot-on. I also agree with a previous commenter: husbands- pay attention to your wife’s whole body, not just the “hot spots.”
    Manual play is something my husband and I have done from the start and it is so wonderful. It is a gift from him to me (and I to him when it’s his turn ;)) and he treats it as so. At first I was a little timid, but when I really realized and accepted the fact that my husband LOVES every single part of me/my body I was able to just let go and enjoy his gift. And, boy, it sure is amazing. It’s something we regularly do, whether foreplay, after sex to help me climax, or as the main act, so to speak. I know he truly loves and enjoys giving to me in this way. He has gotten even better at it as time has passed and he learns more about my body. 🙂
    Ladies! If you aren’t yet comfortable with this type of touch, I really encourage you to talk with your husbands and try it. It is such a beautiful gift that your husband can give you.

  14. Rachel

    This is a very good post. In fact, manual stimulation is the only way I get to orgasm since I never am able to much with intercourse (it feels good but I just don’t get there). I am concerned about the squirting issue because I wonder if it’s more than just that (I hope it’s not other fluids). As for as my husband, God bless him, he does stimulate me before intercourse and after but it’s usually just the clitoris. I’d like him to touch me in other places around it. One of the problems is that he’s a bass and guitar player so his fingers tend to be a little callused so sometimes it doesn’t feel good :(. He tries though and we are in a much better place than we were at the start of our marriage.

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  21. ana

    Could you do a post on how to get there and from what position? I feel we are in a rut and need more options. Thanks

  22. K.

    Any advice on what to do when hubby rejects any form of “instruction”– even hints, or “oh, baby, I love it when you ____________”? He’s not shy about asking me to do specific things to him, but if I even hint that I would like a certain thing (like kissing, or touch, whether specific or general), he gets mad and says “I don’t need instructions”. Yet he doesn’t usually “do the foreplay thing” either… I tried using the “slow cooker” analogy, and he just says, “well, you need to get yourself going earlier then– and you might as well touch me while you’re at it.” He’s tried manual stimulation once, but because he only does things in bed “on his own terms” (in other words, if I mention wanting a certain thing, it’s probably not gonna happen, at least not that night… it only happens if he thinks of it on his own…) and he seems to take any feedback from me as “teaching” (even in the moment… I’ll say, “oooh, that feels good! I love it when you do that!” then he’ll change to something else), it made it kind of hard for me to enjoy (as much as I did try), so he ended up switching to intercourse… and because he never got that “achievement” of actually getting me to orgasm from it, I’m pretty sure he’s not going to want to try again. :/
    Generally our “sex pattern” goes something like this: We go to bed. He says, “Are you going to keep me up all night?” (This does not mean “are you going to have sex with me? wink wink”, it means, “Don’t keep me waiting.”) So I’ll start touching him, and it will either end in a hand job for him, or he’ll roll over and we’ll have intercourse. Sometimes I’m able to mentally “get into the game” enough to be able to orgasm during intercourse before he finishes. If I don’t, then he just rolls over and it’s over– or sometimes, if I’m clearly close to climaxing, he’ll tell me to “finish myself”.
    I’ve tried waiting for him to initiate, but then he just gets mad and says I don’t want to have sex with him. Lately I’ve been trying to give little hints that I’d really love some foreplay beforehand, but again, he seems to just get annoyed by the whole concept. The other night we were laying in bed together, and I could sense he wanted sex, so while I wasn’t really in the mood yet, I started touching him, hoping he’d start touching back. After a while I said, “I love touching you… and I love it when you touch me!” No answer… so after a bit, I went to gently lift his hand (from where it was laying by his side) and put it on me, and he blew up and rolled away from me, saying, “I don’t need told how to do it. I’m going to sleep.” :'(
    We’ve been married for nearly 10 years, and throughout the whole time I’ve done my best to be the responsive, sexually aggressive wife that I’ve read that husbands long for, but I’m starting to feel like I’ve “created a monster” :/ Help! (Any male perspective is welcome too, because he won’t talk to me about it… so this might be something simple, but I don’t know how to read his mind)

    1. J Post author

      In your situation, I wouldn’t hint anymore. I’d flat-out to say, “I’m not having sex with you if it’s only for you.” That’s not depriving him of sex, because you’re obviously willing and available to engage in sexual intimacy. You’re just setting boundaries and refusing to be treated like his sex toy.

      This post might help too: Your Pleasure & Orgasm Matter.

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