It’s the season of joy, peace, and love! Except that some couples are not getting much of that in their marriage bed. Instead, one or both spouses are Scrooge-like this time of year — withholding sex or enthusiasm. Here are 10 ways to stop being so stingy and enjoy a little more holiday cheer in your bedroom!
1. Remind yourself of the Reason for the Season. Look, I’m a Grinch by nature. I think the Christmas season gets way too much focus, and I struggle every year to get into the holiday spirit. So if you’re struggling with your mood too, I completely get where you’re coming from.
But you know why we celebrate Christmas at all? It’s not because Mary and Joseph marked December 25 on a calendar as Jesus’ birthday. It’s because we’ve set aside this time to celebrate our Savior taking on flesh and beginning His earthly mission to save us — out of His amazing love. Whenever you feel annoyed by something during the holidays, including your spouse, remind yourself it’s about love.
Keep that forefront in your mind, and commit to displaying Jesus’ love to your spouse this holiday season. Your attitude is where your holiday spirit can begin.
2. Get something for each other before Christmas arrives. Since this is the time of year for extra generosity, start with your spouse. While hunting down Christmas gifts, find little love reminders to trade ahead of time.
Bring her home some flowers or a pretty nightgown. Give him some silk boxers or a picture of yourself in that pretty nightgown. Write a holiday-themed love poem for your beloved, like:
Poinsettias are red
Garlands are green
But you’re the best Christmas gift
I’ve ever seen
3. Decorate your bedroom. We decorate the living room and other places around the house. Why not spruce up the bedroom with some holiday touches? Maybe a garland around your bed frame, a holiday-scented candle for the nightstand, a small lighted tree in the corner, or cozy Christmas bedding.
In my home, when the cold weather comes, we slip on our flannel sheets, and both of us are more eager to slide under the covers and cuddle up together. Take a little extra time to make your bedroom an inviting place.
4. Play sexy Christmas music. Get yourself in the lovemaking mood with some holiday-themed music that makes your heart and your libido grow three sizes. Try my Christmas intimacy playlist or create your own.
Extra points for slow-dancing with your beloved to the music. Clothes optional.
5. Make time for lovemaking. Yes, we know you’re busy and stressed. There are 1,572 things left to do before December 25. How can you possibly add “sex” as item #1573?!
Find. A. Way.
Do more shopping online. Bake fewer cookies. Buy cupcakes for the holiday party instead of making them. Even skip that party you didn’t want to go to anyway. Find somewhere, somehow to cut back and make time for the two of you to make love. It will refresh you both and maybe even give you a little more pep to get things done this holiday season.
6. Send the kids to Grandma’s. She wants to see them anyway. Or look for other opportunities for your children to engage in holiday fun with family or friends that leaves you and your spouse open for private time together.
One church I attended put together a babysitting night for children run by teenagers in the congregation. Couples dropped off their kids and went to do holiday shopping. Well, sometimes we went holiday shopping, and sometimes we just went home and enjoyed other pleasures. But feel free to find someplace for the kids to go so you can hang onto your couple time and keep the bedroom fire burning.
7. Buy holiday-themed lingerie. I’m not saying you have to dress like a Sexy Santa or Erotic Elf, but there are some fun Christmas underthings and sleepwear. Keep your marriage bed festive by adding some red and green to your only-for-my-lover attire.
Or simply wrap a Christmas bow around whatever you’re wearing and let your honey unwrap you tonight.
8. Hang mistletoe, right above your bed. Does anyone else remember teenage guys pulling out mistletoe and trying to get kissed? Mistletoe seemed to be everywhere. And now that I have a man I daily want to kiss, I don’t seem to see it anywhere.
Why not grab a bunch of mistletoe and hang it in your bedroom? You can put it right over your bed or another strategic location and invite your own little Kiss-mases.
9. Do something extra for your low-libido spouse. If your spouse is already low on the sex drive scale, he/she is likely more overwhelmed during the holidays. Offer to relieve that stress in whatever way truly helps your spouse.
That could mean taking care of the kids to let her have a little time for herself, giving him a massage at the end of a long workday, offering to bring food home to avoid having to cook dinner. It could be more quality time, affection, or words of affirmation. Whatever it is that helps your particular beloved feel re-energized, do it. It’s the loving thing to do, but it might have the added benefit of allowing him/her to refresh enough for bedroom activities.
10. Play hooky one day. With the busy days, bustling crowds, and holiday stress, taking some hours off work or from other obligations may be exactly what you need. Take off a morning or afternoon to spend time together. Grab a long lunch, and make it a “nooner.”
Devote specific time to be intimate together, even clearing your calendar for a few hours to make it happen.
With all the tension of the holidays, it can be easy to shove aside your sex life. But ban the Scrooge from your bedroom, and enjoy the goodwill of sexual intimacy together this season!
I am feeling Scroogy in the bedroom not because of the holidays but because his sexual selfishness has peaked again. I can’t remember the last time I got to climax. Every time I try, he finishes and that’s that. He makes no effort to give me a climax, except for pounding me, which I have repeatedly told him.doesn’t work. I have to make myself orgasm, but if I am taking too long (more than 5 minutes), he just goes for his, thanks me, and the end.
When I talk to him about it, he either gets defensive or looks confused. I have tried getting a third party in, pastors, but no one wants to touch our sex life. Too intimate, could cause someone to stumble, blahblahblah…..
So, please give me the gift of praying for the Holy Spirit to knock hubby with a clue. Because even with the strength to speak up it falls on deaf ears, and boundaries or ultimatums are seen as a challenge to the nth degree in which he will fight dirty to see to it that he “wins.”
There are many Chriatian counselors that can help. I have been a marriage and family counselor for years and the topic of having a healthy biblical sex life is a topic I deal with often. I suggest finding a Christian counselor that can speak to the what God intended sex to be in marriage and that is awesome for both spouses!!! God bless.
Kevin, do you have any suggestions on how to FIND such a counselor? I’m the wife, and my drive is higher than my husbands. How do I find a good counselor to deal with that? One who won’t make both of us feel like weirdos?
Thanks!
B, google your city with something like “Christian, marriage, sexual issues, sexual intimacy issues.” Psychology Today offers listings of counselors in different areas, even Christian Counselors. If you can’t find anyone who seems suitable by googling, make a call to any counselor in your area and ask them if they know of Christian counselors who specialize in marriage. Most counselors are happy to help with suggestions (at least the ones I know.)
I would also suggest asking around, but I know your situation is personal and delicate.
Once finding a counselor, you will have to gauge whether they are a good fit for you and your husband. Plus, you want to make sure that they aren’t divorce minded at all. I know it doesn’t make sense, but some Christian counselors are. AND, if hubby won’t go, go by yourself!!!
Great advice, as always. We don’t get too caught up in the whole commercialism of the season. But our work is always busier this time of year. Hubby and I work together spraying weeds, and as it is summer here the weeds are growing. But when we get home after a day of walking up and down hills we just want to collapse. So making time/scheduling time for intimacy is a priority. Thankfully we have just become empty nesters which does make this easier. I know you do this, I just want to help stress it. MAkE THE TIME. In our marriage it also helps if I grab him and start.
One other time saving advice is do the grocery shopping online. We live out of town so I do this regularly. It saves so much stress.
I am in for #9!i I already do a lot around the house due to my wife’s health so I give out of love, expecting nothing in return. I do know from the past, sex will not happen until sometime in January due to the holiday stress.
I actually have some time off this coming week, and it’s amazing the difference in how relaxed I feel, knowing that I don’t have to get everything done on Saturday. We spent 2 and a half hours in the bedroom this morning, showering together, and just staying in bed snuggling and chatting. It was heaven! Wishing everyone a few hours of stress-free enjoyment of their spouses during this season, of which a woman I once knew used to say, “Tis the season to be tired.”
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I’m the wife and is in no mood for intimacy.Been like this for a long time now. I just don’t feel like it. I love my husband but everything..I mean the whole marriage thing seems overwhelming…the responsibility is enormous..kids.. work.. school …husband.. etc . I had no idea it was like and it kind of depresses me..
Makes me feel like my life is kinda over
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