7 Things You Should Say to Your Spouse on Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day is three days away! If gifts mean a lot to your mate, you’d better have a plan or be working on one right now. In case you need help, I have several past posts you can peruse for ideas:

What to Get Your Husband for V-Day
13 Sexy Valentine’s Gifts from Your Grocery Store
7 Sexy Valentine’s Gifts You Can Make
“Go Big” Valentine’s Gifts for Your Spouse
8 Cool Valentine’s Gifts for Your Hot Hubby
8 Sweet Valentine’s Gifts for Your Spicy Wife
Valentine’s Day for the Rest of Us

But whether your marriage involves exchanging gifts or blowing off the whole holiday, I’ve got seven romantic things you should say to your husband (or wife) on Valentine’s Day. Or some day soon. Here they are.

7 Things You Should Say to Your Spouse on Valentine's Day

1. You are attractive to me. It’s uncommon that one spouse has no attraction whatsoever to the person they married. So I’d guess that 99% of you can say this one without reserve. (And if you can’t, read this post.) Tell your sweetheart that you find him handsome, sexy, desirable, and overall your brand of catnip, so to speak. If there’s something you especially appreciate, name that feature. Make sure your honey knows he’s still your hot honey.

2. I like you being my friend. Some of you will happily insert the word best in there: “You are my best friend.” I don’t tend to think of my husband that way, and I’m not alone, but I do think it’s important to let your guy know that he’s not just your provider, garbage-dumper, father to your children, spider-killer, roommate, and lover — he’s your genuine friend. He’s the guy you love to hang out with, laugh with, share stories with, do life with.

3. I’m sorry. You know there’s something you should apologize for. Even if it’s not understanding how important something is to your husband. You might be waiting for him to fess up to all of his wrongs and beg for mercy. But one of the most loving things you can do in your marriage is to humbly take responsibility for your own sins and ask for forgiveness. We’re just not perfect people, and we let each other down. Say I’m sorry.

4. I admire the person you are. Romans 12:10 says, “Outdo one another in showing honor” (ESV). Do you let your husband know that you respect, honor, and admire him? Men in particular respond to these expressions, although many of us ladies cherish such encouragement too. Go ahead and tell your husband outright that he is admiration-worthy in your eyes. If you can, tell him exactly why — that you admire the way he handles your kids, works his job, leads Bible classes, etc. Let your hubster know he’s got someone in his corner.

5. I’d choose you again. No matter how easy-breezy or rough your marriage has been, you picked this guy out of all the others and said I do in front of God and witnesses. For some reason, you thought you couldn’t live without him. Confirm that commitment by saying you’d do it again. You were willing to go through the hardships to have the happy marriage you have now, or you are willing to keep swimming through difficult waters to reach a better destination. Either way, you’re happy with the person you picked, and you’d choose him again.

6. I want to make love to you. For those with lower-drive hubbies, be sure to emphasize that it’s about lovemaking with him. It’s not meeting some physical need, but bonding together in intimacy. Offer to pleasure your husband in a way that he particularly enjoys. Show affection and honor in how you initiate. But make it clear that you long to be one flesh, in your lives and in your marriage bed. If you’re the lower-drive spouse, your hubby will be thrilled to have you express interest and desire for him.

7. I love you _______. Likely you’ve said those three words to each other many times over, but say them again . . . with something extra added on. How you fill in the blank is up to you! It could be: “I love you more than ever.” “I love you and all that you do for our family.” “I love you so much my heart feels like it’s bursting.” “I love you to infinity and beyond!” In my marriage, we have a phrase that’s meaningful to the two of us that I’d add to the words I love you. (No, I’m not sharing them here. Just between me and “Spock.”) Maybe you have a pet phrase too. But get extra close to your husband, linger in his arms, and express your love in a memorable way.

Of course, you can change the wording of any of these seven items to fit your marriage. But these are areas in which we should speak directly and lovingly to our husbands. (And wives. Yes, I know I have faithful male readers. Thanks, guys!)

Valentine’s Day is the perfect time to tell your hubby how much he means to you.

What other phrases would you add to my list? What would you like to say to your husband or wife? And what would you like to hear?

14 thoughts on “7 Things You Should Say to Your Spouse on Valentine’s Day

  1. Mike Steele

    Good Morning J.
    First, I would like to thank you for what is obviously a sincere and honest effort to address issues that most in the Church, regardless of faith, are unwilling to talk about. If noting else, you have courage.
    As the husband in a relationship with challenges in the sex department I was so glad to find a site that spoke openly about Christianity and sex. I was eager to find resources that might help our relationship.
    We have been married for over 33 years. Not to sound like a broken record, but the sex all but dried up within the first year. I knew my wife was a Christian first. That is one of the things I admired about her and still do. She walks her faith daily. As a Christian myself, a son, a father of a daughter and a husband, I want her to be all she can be. I do however “feel” as if we are missing a significant part of “us”. I won’t go into the usual diatribe of bonding and emotion. It has been written and talked about too often across the multimedia spectrum. I do have a question for you though, and it is timely given that Valentines Day is upon us.
    What does a husband do whose wife is so conservative she won’t even talk about not talking about sex? That was the last conversation we ever had, and that was two years ago. We agreed not to talk about not talking about it. She did not actually say that, she just shook her head no. That does not leave a lot of wiggle room for a demonstrative, outgoing person.
    Today, we are effectively sexless, and to be frank, we are better off for it. We have not had an argument or cross word in months. There is some tension to be sure, but she will not cross that boundary. She is articulate, bright and outgoing; just not about us or to me. I have just given up on that part of our relationship. I don’t press it anymore. I don’t bring it up at all, I don’t make passes or initiate in any way. It does make for a bit of a dull existence, and yes, it does not feel complete. But the tension, frustration, anger and resentment is all but gone and that offers me quite a bit of solace. We are the best of friends in nearly every way and I am resigned to the fact that “best of friends” will just have to do.
    I read this post on Valentines. Do people actually live like this? I don’t think most do. We tell each other “I love you” every day”, I try and find ways to show her how much I admire her, we communicate in every other way, peacefully and meaningfully, just no sex – at all.
    I ask myself from time to time, would I do this again? Would I remarry if ever? Frankly no I would not. And it is not about the sex per se. It is about claiming myself; not being angry, not living a dream that really is for the most part, just a fantasy.
    I don’t mean to get off on a tirade. I am finished going down that road to nowhere. I just want to congratulate someone, anyone that has the courage to honestly and openly integrate the sexual component of a marriage into living a full, rich and Christian life.
    Peace be with you,
    Mike

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      Oh, I wish I could talk to your wife. This is what too often happens: The person who wants change comes to my blog (or another marriage blog), and the person who really needs to hear the message wouldn’t visit my blog for anything. As you well know, you are missing something in your marriage — a level of intimacy God intended you both to have. Your wife clearly has some baggage hanging on in how she views sex, but I can’t say what it is that makes her unwilling to even discuss the topic. I think you’re right to continue to love her in every other way. I pray, however, that her walls will come down.

      Let me address your “would I do this again?” question. Because during the bad times of my marriage, I thought I wouldn’t marry my husband if I had to do it all over again. (By the way, I’m not saying anything here he doesn’t know, because we’ve discussed this openly and he’s admitted feeling the same at times in the past.) BUT when I reminded myself why I chose my husband and committed to expressing “I’d choose you again,” it solidified my commitment. I no longer have those feelings at all. Our marriage improved to the point that I’m absolutely sure I’d marry him again. But we don’t get a do-over regardless, and I think it’s important not to hang onto “what ifs.”

      But maybe a spouse can’t say that one. That’s okay. They can say all, or some, of the others.

      Thanks so much for your comment, Mike. It was heartfelt, authentic, and insightful. May God bless you and your marriage!

      Reply
    2. Kevin

      Hi Mike,

      I think it’s good that you are able to express the pain and damage in your life this situation has caused. I can’t imagine going through what you have. But I do want to lovingly challenge the resignation you express.

      Ephesians 5 tells husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church. This example includes giving himself for her and also working to sanctify and cleanse her and make her holy. You say that your wife is a Christian first and walks her faith daily. I am not questioning that, but at the same time she is living in blatant sin in disobeying God’s commands for her marriage – See 1 Corinthians 7:4-5. Also see the descriptions of marriage in Proverbs 5 and Song of Solomon. Do you love your wife enough to confront her sin? Part of her being all she can be involves living in obedience to God in this area of her life and having a full, rich marriage relationship that matches God’s design.

      Loving your wife this way will mean giving yourself for her. You will have to sacrifice your peaceful, dull life without difficult conversations. And you will probably have to accept some impact to the other aspects of your friendship and relationship during the process. And it will require you to pursue God desperately yourself every day. Following Galatians 6:1 means you need to examine yourself before seeking to restore her. Frankly, I would suggest that this includes asking her forgiveness for your lack of love in allowing this sin in your relationship to go unaddressed so long. You will certainly need gentleness. Her past may include much shame, painful sexual experiences, and/or unbiblical teaching about sex.

      Perhaps she will still refuse to talk about it. If that is the case you can follow Jesus’ commands in Matthew 18 for dealing with a sinning brother. Are you willing to obey Him even if it involves giving her an ultimatum that if she does not change you will go to your church leadership and other believers who are important in her life for help in confronting her about her sin? This could include older women who are to teach others about loving their husbands – Titus 2:4.

      Only you can decide if you are willing to face the risks and accept the cost. Do you trust God enough to follow Him in this and believe He will use it for good?

      Praying for you,
      Kevin

      Reply
      1. e2

        Kevin,

        On paper, it’s hard to argue against your advice as you’ve supported it well with scripture. But, I can’t imagine any woman responding with sexual desire to such an approach.

        Reply
        1. Kevin

          Hi e2,

          I can appreciate your perspective. What would your recommend someone should do in Mike’s position? There could certainly be enough suggested steps, caveats and balancing truths added to what I wrote to fill a book. I’m sure there are many wiser than I who could write it better. It is very easy to become sinful ourselves when we try to confront sin, especially when it has deeply hurt us.

          For example, as a husband examining himself it would be good to repent and ask forgiveness for any past sins against his wife that have not been dealt with. Before broaching this subject it could even be a good to have a separate conversation to ask her if there are any ways he has hurt her or past offenses that he has not made right.

          And we must all seek to live out Philippians 2:3-4 in our relationships – “Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.”

          I certainly would not recommend giving an ultimatum or asking others to confront her sin easily or quickly. But I do think there is a point where it becomes appropriate, and I think resisting all efforts to address the problem for years would qualify.

          Now all that said, even the most loving, gentle, unselfish approach does not guarantee a positive approach. But the hope and prayer would be that when a group of loving Christians approaches her she would be convinced from the Scriptures that she needs to change and desire to do so. Even at that point much love, patience and understanding would be needed by all.

          Mike, if you are still reading, I suggest you also check out http://forgivenwife.com/new-to-this-blog-start-here/
          You may find her story and testimony helpful.

          Kevin

          Reply
          1. e2

            In once sense, we humans are pretty simple creatures. We repeat behaviors that bring us pleasure and avoid behaviors that do not. For whatever reason, talking about sex is unpleasant, perhaps painful, to Mike’s wife. Being told she’s living in blatant sin would only increase her pain, and I can’t imagine any loving, gentle way to say that to a wife. Peter tells us to live with our wives in an understanding way in honor. I believe he meant that we need to read our wives and their hearts to know the best way to speak to them. I can say things to a brother in Christ that I would never say to my wife. I might kick him in the butt and tell him to stop his blatant sinning, knowing that he would receive it as iron sharpening iron in love. But, my wife would never receive such an exhortation as an expression of love. Emotional, romantic, Eros requires a different approach than the selfless, but dispassionate, Agape.

  2. Mike

    To Mike from another Mike: My wife and I had a sexless marriage for 25 years. One day I decided to take the “bull by the horns” and talk to her about how much I miss that part of our life. She was shocked, but we have had a very satisfying sex life ever sense. That was 5 months ago. There is hope!! “Sex Lives Matter,”

    Reply
    1. Mike2

      I am glad it worked out for you both Mike. We have talked it to death. I am well past blaming. There is no blame at this point. I accept matters as they are. You can’t have a conversation with someone that refuses to talk about why we don’t talk about it. Conversation sort of dries up.
      Yesterday I was doing some thinking and reading about Valentines activities. We are looking at some wicked weather for the next few days so outdoor activities are out. I feel I have to be careful not to plan something that might suggest romance in some way. Going to the movies is always safe.

      Reply
      1. Karen R.

        Mike, I have compassion for the situation you are in and that you have “talked it to death.” I encourage you to take the actions Kevin suggested and I would strongly encourage you to go to therapy with your wife. That will be a huge step and I don’t advise it lightly. I hear you say she refuses to talk, but I am wondering if a therapist was involved the therapist could perhaps get to the root of her refusal to have sex and even talk about it. My first thought was to question if sexual abuse or trauma is a part of your wife’s history? I encourage you to set the appointment and invite her to join you.

        I applaud your patience and your heart to continue to show love to your wife. That is incredible. I echo the sentiments of Kevin who encouraged you to take your love a step further and lovingly confront your wife. I am sure you have prayed about this situation and I hope you take feet to your prayers and act. So much more is available to both you and your wife in marriage and I sincerely pray that you come to experience that people do in fact “live like this.”
        I know it won’t be easy and I pray that you have people to encourage you and hold you accoutable in this. It’s not something to do alone. Blessings to you.

        Reply
  3. Lynn

    I often tell my husband how our marriage has made me a better person: more confident, more focused on faith, etc. This is in addition to all the others. Great suggestions, J!

    Reply
  4. Jo M

    Wow Kevin – you are one scary husband. “Confronting her about her sin”, threatening to consult church leaders…. e2, I’m with you, if my husband spoke to me in this way, frigidity would descend.
    In Great Britain many Christians are wary of the evangelising nature of our U.S. brothers and sisters but J is so amazing in her honesty she has often filled me with Holy Spirit and courage to become a better follower of the Bibles marriage teachings.
    Prayer is my answer – to most things actually – when my marriage is feeling pressure.
    Mike, we have been married for 27 years, the sex has ebbed and flowed but we are now in a wonderful, in fact, a mind-blowing stage- thanks be. I pray you and wife may arrive at a similar place with love not threats.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      I think “confronting” sounds like “accosting.” And that’s not at all what the Bible is talking about. We’re talking about loving intervention in an effort to heal someone’s hurts and help them onto the right path. You’re right, though, that this can easily be mishandled — which is why we absolutely have to check ourselves and not go casting stones where we have no business to do so. I wholeheartedly believe in prayer, but many times in Scripture we are also told to engage with our brothers and sisters in Christ to keep each other accountable. No threats, but truth and love.

      I love that y’all are in a “mind-blowing stage” after 27 years of marriage. What a beautiful testimony!

      Reply

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