Q&A with J: “He Wants It Every Night…Several Times”

Today’s question is a doozy. It’s from a wife whose husband is rather insistent about his especially high sex drive:

What do you recommend for wives who do not become aroused during love making? My husband has a very high sex drive. He wants it every night and would like it several times a night not just once. We have been married almost 40 years. I [used] to enjoy sex but in the last 10 years I have found it impossible to become aroused. We still have sex even though he knows I get nothing out of it. I am just going through the motions. I try to keep him happy. I spoke with my Doctor but he didn’t have any suggestions as to why this happened. I am beginning to feel used because my husband doesn’t seem to care as long as his needs are met and on his days off hounds me for sex all day long even if we had sex the night before. If I give in, he then starts in a couple of hours later wanting sex again. It seems the more sex he has the more he wants. I am at the end of my rope. I want him to be happy but I don’t know how much more I can take.

Q&A with J: "He Wants Sex Every Night...Several Times"

Honestly, my first reaction was: Of course, you’re not aroused during lovemaking! You’re exhausted, honey. And he’s not considering your needs and desires.

Upon further thought, my second reaction was the same. But let’s break this down further. Because that thought — true as it may be — doesn’t lead to solutions.

His extra-high sex drive. One of the tough things when you’re dealing with an issue that feels off in your sexual intimacy is knowing what’s normal. You think to yourself, Is this how it should be? If you get your information from media (please, don’t), you’d think that everyone is either having sex constantly or that they experience a complete death of their sex lives upon saying “I do.” Neither of those scenarios is anywhere close to true. But you’re hardly going to take up your own research study and ask around about everyone else’s sex lives until you have a statistically significant sample and then draw conclusions about what’s healthy and normal.

But I’d read a lot on this subject, so let me assure you that a husband at his age who expects several times a day is atypical. Yes, men can continue with high libidos well into their elder years. But by this time, the desire is not usually as frequent and urgent. I wouldn’t be asking simply why your body isn’t aroused, I’d want to know why his body is on overdrive. For instance, is he on testosterone supplements and needs his medication adjusted?

It may not have a physical/hormonal cause, but I’d sit down with my hubby and explain that, while I respect his desire for frequent sexual intimacy, several times a day is just more than you can handle and more than men of his age typically want. Ask why he thinks his sex drive is so strong, and talk about ways he can release some of that pent-up feeling that doesn’t involve more sex than your body can take. I’m not talking about masturbation, but rather physical activity or meditation or a hobby that gives him something to do. If you think there could be a physical component, ask him to see a doctor and request to go with him for support and understanding.

You’re his wife, not his sex service. You say, “I am beginning to feel used.” I immediately wondered why you’d only just begun to feel that way. It sounds like he’s treating you as his sex service, more than his wife. Healthy sexual intimacy in marriage isn’t about either one of you being at the other’s beck-and-call. It isn’t about relieving pent-up stress with a “fix.” It isn’t about one person’s pleasure to the neglect of the other person’s pleasure.

While you have an obligation in marriage to have sex with each other (1 Corinthians 7:3-5), you also have the right to set boundaries. I can’t remember who said this first, but that scripture has been explained something like this: Yes, your body belongs to him, but his body belongs to you. Thus, he might expect your body to be up for grabs one night, but you could turn around and say, “Fine, but your body will treat my body in this way.” Bluntly put, he has part ownership of your vagina, but you have part ownership of his penis. He doesn’t get free rein with his body parts to subjugate your body parts.

Now I believe that if he only wanted a physical release, he knows he could take care of that on his own. He does want you, because he’s not simply pursuing sex, but sex with you. However, he may think that you’re not supposed to be as into this as he is, and thus it’s okay to treat your body the way he’s treating you. And it’s just not okay.

I hope you’ve explained calmly but firmly how his constant advances make you feel. If not, sit him down and talk about the kind of intimacy you desire for your marriage. Talk about that verse in the Bible and what it should mean in your marriage. Open up the Song of Songs and read together — seeing how mutual the sexual pleasure was for this married couple.

If he responds, great! If he doesn’t get it, set some boundaries. You don’t have to say yes every single time he proposes sex. And you can make suggestions back to him, like “I need time to mentally and physically prepare” or “Can we reschedule until the morning when I’m feeling better?” If he starts treating you like your his personal love doll, you can stop things right there and say, “I want to cooperate and enjoy this, but you have to respect me as a person and how I feel.” Be aware that when you set boundaries with someone, you will likely get some pushback — because you’re changing how things work — but if you can calmly stick with it, you can get the point across over time and alter the pattern of behavior.

Your arousal and satisfaction matters.Twice you said how you want him to be happy, and that’s great. Oftentimes that’s where we need to start with improving our sexual intimacy — a desire to give our spouse delight. But sex in marriage isn’t about one spouse being happy. God intended sexual intimacy to be a mutually satisfying experience.

You say: “We still have sex even though he knows I get nothing out of it. I am just going through the motions.” And your initial question was: “What do you recommend for wives who do not become aroused during love making?” I recommend you speak up and ask for what you need in the marital bedroom.

You say that you used to enjoy sex, so you know what arousal and enjoyment feel like. But you’ve lost that lovin’ feeling because your arousal and enjoyment has not been prioritized in your marriage. Your husband obviously has no problem requesting (again and again) for what he wants in the bedroom. There’s nothing wrong with you advocating for your sexual pleasure.

Want examples?

“Honey, I’m open to making love tonight, but I cannot just go through the motions. I want to feel pleasure in your arms. I need you to slow down tonight and help me feel truly aroused before we begin intercourse.”

“I remember enjoying sex so much in the past, and I want to enjoy it again with you. Can we please work on helping me climax? I think that would increase my enjoyment a lot.”

“I want you to be happy with our sex life together, but I’m not happy with the lack of pleasure I feel. I need your help to get my body back in the game. I promise we can make love later, but for now, can we focus on what makes my body aroused enough to crave sex with you?”

You should also feel free to speak up in the moment with comments on what feels good, where you’d prefer he move his hand, what sexual position you’d like to try, etc. Take charge sometimes so you can learn what you like and he can see that you’re trying to get involved but you won’t settle anymore for sex not feeling good.

Get your own body checked out. Usually, I start with this one. But given your story, I think the more likely cause of your lack of sexual responsiveness is the dynamics in your marriage. However, it’s worth asking your doctor again if everything’s going the way it should. We ladies can have issues as we age, especially with dryness. Make sure your hormones are balanced and your vaginal walls are secreting properly. If your doctor waves it aside, be a little more insistent. Tell him this is causing issues in your marriage, and you want to know without a doubt that everything is fully functional.

As you can see, a lot of what I say here equates to being your own advocate. I believe God intended you to have a beautiful experience in the bedroom as well. While we should absolutely serve one another in our marriage beds, sometimes the balance shifts so drastically, the neglected spouse needs to speak up. I think that’s where you are in your marriage, and I pray that you find the godly wisdom, the right words, and the loving actions needed to make healthy changes in your sexual intimacy.

33 thoughts on “Q&A with J: “He Wants It Every Night…Several Times”

  1. Keelie Reason

    Kudus to an older gentleman that’s getting it up that many times a day. We’re in our mid 30’s and there’s no way we are getting to it a few times a day. It’s physically not going to happen for my husband that often. Let’s not even talk about how dried out I would be from being with him that much. We both felt exhausted after having sex 7 days in a row. I’d definitely wonder what he’s taking that is causing this for him.

    I hope she can have these discussions with him and they work through it together. It sounds like a long road for them both.

    Reply
    1. libl

      Yeah….I am thinking this kind of behavior is bordering on sexual abuse or addiction, or some major hormone imbalance or mental issue. I can understand seasons or spurts, like honeymoons, where frequency is far above average, but this is disturbing-mostly because he doesn’t seem to be taking her into consideration and is driven by his own drive.

      Reply
      1. J Post author

        I agree with your point. But I think there’s a group of men out there that also received the message that women don’t like sex and balk about having it, so they don’t really expect her to like it all that much. Unfortunately, they were taught to pursue their own needs and that’s just how it is. I’m not saying this husband is in that group, but I really believe that some men have had terrible teaching that needs to be corrected.

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      2. alchemist

        We didn’t get anywhere near this frequency on our honeymoon. My husband is in his late thirties (we married very recently) and more than once a day just isn’t going to happen for us. Even if we both want it to. Even daily is a bit of a strain on my husband. I really wonder how this guy manages it. If they’ve been married 40 years he must be in his late 50’s at the least? I was led to believe this kind of thing could be expected from teenagers, maybe guys in their early 20’s. This certainly seems really strange.

        Reply
  2. Lynn

    I assumed, when reading, that this woman’s husband has always had a high sex drive. If not, then I’d be worried that this could be something organic going wrong in his brain – loss of inhibitions may signal dementia or organic brain syndrome. Or, he could have gotten his hands on thos little blue pills. God bless you, though, for going ahead for 10 years just doing it for his pleasure.

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  3. Anonymous

    My first gut reaction is that the husband has a “sex addition” issue. I put this in quotes because many mental health professionals do not agree with the existence of this type of addiction. Nevertheless, it is affecting the wife’s marriage and I would recommend that she established a boundary in her sex life. J, I think many of your recommendations for this wife is excellent. I would add professional counseling for the husband.

    Reply
  4. Justme

    Reading this made me cringe. First due to his selfish me-me-me attitude. I cant help but think, what is he trying to prove. Maybe he’s looking at porn. He needs help if he thinks abusing his wife’s generosity and kind heart is normal. Second due to the wife feeling used. Frankly I don’t think I would have lasted with his behavior. Third, after 40 years she has a good handle on how he’ll react to the suggested conversations and I can’t help but think if it were as easy as talking to him and he adjusting his expectations, then she’d have opened up her heart and told him by now which makes me sad that she hasn’t. I really like the suggested comments; I’m sure she’ll also find them valuable. I know it’s hard in the midst of the stress to come up with solutions without outside help. I pray for this precious woman. May the Lord intervene and cause her husband’s eyes and heart to be open to His truth in this situation.

    Reply
      1. D

        As someone who has broken a 15 yr sex addiction this is not necessarily true. Porn feeds the sexual desire making you want it more. In a ‘Christian’ orientated marriage this is then handled by yourself or your wife. So it can cause massive issues, especially if you do not have as willing a wife as this one is. I can identify with the husband (although 20 yrs younger) as previously I could easily have sex 3-4 times a day (or in a row) if my wife let me.

        Thankfully about 5 yrs ago my wife accused me of being a sex addict and after a lot of research I agreed and sorted it out. Both my wife and I have noticed a massive change in behaviour now my sex drive is no longer constantly being fed with porn. We still have sex issues in our marriage but at least the sex addiction isnt the excuse any more.

        Reply
  5. Curious

    The grass really is greener. My first thought when reading this was “boy do I WISH my husband had a high sex drive!” Several times a night? Some would be lucky to get it in a year 🙁
    I dont blame her for being exhausted though

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      Yeah, but there’s a balance here. If BOTH of you wanted it that often, okay. But the expectation of that is something else. The sexual frequency should be mutually satisfying. Let’s hope your hubby’s drive increases, though! I know it’s tough being the higher drive wife. Blessings!

      Reply
  6. MCARLINE

    My heart goes out to this woman. I can’t imagine what she has been through. But I can say that as as 56 year old married for 36 years my sex drive has dwindled to nothing. I have seen 2 doctors, neither one could help. My ob/gyn said everything is working properly. My yearly is coming up soon and I plan on talking to her AGAIN. It’s frustrating that men can get a little blue pill but they can’t do anything for women.😩😩👺👺 👹👹👺👺😳😳😡😡😞😞😔😔👎🏻👎🏻😢😢😢😢. I just started looking into Essential Oils to see if that can help and begun mental overhaul in the afternoons. Anyone have suggestions or answers I would appreciate it.

    Reply
    1. a. nony

      I’d say if you’re not getting the answers you want, keep on pitching — go to another doctor. Be insistent and persistent! And think outside the box — try a midwife in your OB/GYN’s practice, or an endocrinologist, or a functional medicine practitioner, or a naturopath. Find someone who isn’t just listening and nodding patronizingly, but who is eager and excited to help! It could be a complex issue, but it could also be as simple as progesterone cream and some supplements to support your thyroid or something. And do your own research too. Even if you’re technically within the range of hormone levels considered “normal,” it might not be normal for YOU! A good practitioner is going to LISTEN to you and how YOU feel rather than just glancing at a chart and telling you you’re crazy for feeling the way you do because “everything is working” within those ranges on the chart.

      I’d also say, there might not be anything wrong. The concept of a sex drive is so flawed, as though it’s just a thing that exists that we have a lot of or don’t. Emily Nagoski’s “Dual Control Model” and the concept of “Responsive Desire” are really helpful to me. Most women experience a different style of desire than the culture tells us we should, and that’s not wrong or a flaw, it’s just a feature that runs contrary to our porn-saturated society’s view of how sexual desire ought to be. Nagoski isn’t a Christian and some of the stuff on her site is pretty risque but it’s worth looking up Dual Control Model and Responsive Desire just to see if that resonates.

      Also, I prayed for you just now. Your good Father cares about your intimacy with your husband. 🙂

      Reply
      1. MCARLINE

        THANKYOU so very much a.nony! For your info and but especially for your prayers. And to everyone who has been so encouraging! It’s amazing to me how God continually works in my life to strengthen me day by day through His people. Even ones I don’t know. So THANKYOU and bless you each and every one.
        It’s a long story and an even longer road my husband and I have travelled in our sex life. He has been patient, kind and supportive. I shall continue to search out how to improve our sex life hopefully till the day I die! Sign me,
        Always content but will never stop seeking to improve our sex life!

        Reply
    2. Eric Wiggin

      If it were the husband asking, like, “I want it three to five times a day, and we’ve been married 40 years,” I’d have some answers. It seems to me that HE’S the one most needing advice. Having said that, this couple needs to see a godly, experienced marriage counselor ASAP. But it’s going to take some gentle persuasion on her part to get him there.

      I’m going to suggest several possible issues from what has (and has not) been said. 40 years? That would put them both in their 60s, more or less. I’ve been with the same wife more than 52 years. At 55, we could make love every night, if we had a relaxing situation, like a hotel room while attending a convention, with no pressures. By about age 68 I was starting to slow down, and DW was happy with that, since she had less desire.

      This wife’s lessened desire may be mostly physical. Weight gain, for instance, is an issue most couples face (both male and female). But if he’s still athletic and she’s overweight, she may be worn out by bedtime. If she’s finding intercourse painful, it could be as simple as needing to use a lube, or seek medical treatment.

      If he’s recently retired–and this is an issue with a lot of older men past 65–he could simply be driving her crazy with his extremely narrow interest in sex, with him trying to make up for time lost during the years they were raising kids, and he had to rise at five or six to go to work. His approach is unrealistic, and possibly selfish. Maybe he could seek a part-time job, or just go out and do nine or even eighteen holes on the golf course, to work off some of that steam. I personally know guys in their 70s who golf five or six days a week.

      Back to my initial suggestion: they do need a counselor–someone who’s dealt with older couples. And BTW, does anyone know how many times a day/night Adam and Eve did it–unhampered by clothing, climate, kids or mosquitoes? What’s “normal” is pretty much what both agree on.
      Eric

      Reply
      1. J Post author

        Thanks for your comment!

        I also think some “normal” parameters based on our biology. For instance, a man’s ability to ejaculate does have some limits, as does a woman’s body to secrete lubricant. Also, anything can be done in gluttony. Although I doubt many marriages are anywhere near that point.

        Reply
    3. Ashley

      MCARLINE, have you tried going to a naturopath? The one I goes to really digs down to the root issue, and has helped me with several things. Just an idea!

      Reply
  7. Scott

    Mcarline, as the husband of a 52 year old who sex drive has dwindled absolutely nothing, I think you need to give yourself a bit more credit. My wife, whose sexual drive is non-existent would never talk to a doctor about the problem nor even think of looking at these blogs and responding. It sounds to me like you have some fire left and I think you should just go with it. Do any of us have the same sex drive we did 20 or 30 years ago, no way. I really question the man in this original story, but it sounds like you have something to build on. I’ve tried and tried to take what little spark is left in my marriage and build it into least what a rookie Cub Scout would call a starter fire. Don’t give up.

    Reply
  8. Sally

    I would recommend that any women with ongoing severe libido issues consider trying the O-shot. Google it and read the book by that name. My hormone doctor which is a very conservative and caring person is doing this for women. Very simple… you take blood and separate out the plasma and re-inject it into that into the clitoris or G spot and some women (about 80%) have terrific results. Id think it would be worth a try if you can afford it. It is pricey about $1200 and lasts more than a year. It is a very simple out patient procedure that takes maybe 30 minutes and is practically painless. We have not needed or tried it yet but think it might be worth consideration. Husband do want participation but sometimes they give up going for that because she does not seem to care. They need to communicate and I suspect a deeper issue but for a woman with just a blah feeling about sex this seems worth a try. It is not talked about much but is fairly common way to address libido issues in women and is fairly proven by now.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      Very interesting. I’ve started doing some research on this. I can’t recommend it yet, but I’m looking into it. Thanks, Sally!

      Reply
  9. Scott

    Mcarline, You are welcome for the encouragement. The fact that you are searching for things to do to improve the intimacy in your marriage puts you WAY ahead of most wifes I have heard of. I know they are out there but virtually every man I know struggles with his wife having little to no desire abd thinks there is no issue with that. I think Shiela at Love Honor and vacuum did a story about sex being the biggest lie in marriage. Women getting married and then falling off the wagon and saying nothing is wrong. Your husband is lucky you are making an effort, most just don’t care. keep pushing, the fact your mind is engaged is 75% of the battle.

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  10. Juli

    In God’s perfect design, man was made to be sexually aroused well before his wife. She is made to be aroused by her husband’s gentle fondling, caresses, soft touches as well as hearing how she is the most endearing woman to him. If coitus is initiated before her vagina is physically ready she can become resentful of the entire act that is meant to bring ultimate bliss to both. God designed martial sex not only for reproduction but for continuing to bond the husband and wife for their entire lives. The love between a husband and his wife is what helps to keep a family together. God is family – the very name of God (Elohim) is uni-plural meaning more than one. An excellent book to read is: “The Missing Dimension In Sex” by Mr. Herbert W. Armstrong. The author goes into the three types of love: agape, eros and philia. There is a certain selfish element in philia love that perhaps this particular husband is (unknowingly) exhibiting to fulfill his desires, and not having out-going concern for the deep satisfaction of his wife. You can read this book online for free under the heading of Publications at: COG-FF.com Many a wife has been virtually “raped” from the time of her wedding night by her husband that did not know this truth as outlined in this book. Grab your Bible and read along and learn about God’s true and beautiful design for sex – in marriage.

    Note from J: I scanned out the resource mentioned, The Mission Dimension in Sex. It appears that there are some issues I disagree with, but overall I didn’t have major problems with what I saw. I do try to check things out before I approve comments with recommended resources.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      Depends on the cause. I’d recommend seeing your doctor first to determine if something’s going on there. For example, you could be low on estrogen, in which case the answer isn’t lubricant so much as estrogen cream or the like. Lubricant can also help, and you should be generous with its use. And take your time warming things up down there. It may take longer to get things primed.

      Reply
  11. DD

    First on what helps: Estrogens have been proven to cause cancers. Most conservative doctors will not put patients on them for more than a couple of years. My hormones were gone by my late 40s but I still had plenty of desire. After 2 years on HRT I started having irregular mammos… biopsies… and that was enough to scare me out of HRT. That all said, lubricants do help a lot. We always use them, it’s my little blue pill to a degree. To keep our sex life alive into my 50s and his 60s (actually, renewing our sex life), it was necessary. Also the longer warm-up time is another important thing. Many men don’t want to face that with every encounter, and because I love my husband there are times that I am happy to allow him a “quickie” for his pleasure. Because his pleasure is mine, it’s my pleasure to submit by body to my husband even when there isn’t an orgasm in the plan for me (although not a steady diet of this!). The bonding that happens with our one-flesh union will always supersede my pleasure, I learned this lesson the hard way.

    Second, this article drew my attention because I have the opposite issue… I’m high-drive and he’s low-drive and needs help from the blue pill. With honest communication we have learned how to pleasure each other as our bodies and desires inevitably change and remain somewhat unmatched, and my engine is definitely a lot slower in starting even though the desire remains. Vibrators and marital aids are helpful for women who may have difficulty with instant arousal. So, while her “plight” seems a dream come true for me… I can get how she feels used because it’s not a mutual thing and he seems not to be concerned with her pleasure (in her eyes… we do only have one side of the story). There does need to be communication and a middle ground for them both… even if she finds other ways than intercourse to pleasure him. Many women “give up” the pleasure because they don’t want to take too long or “burden” their husbands. They train their husbands to stop trying to give pleasure. The number one thing that changed my whole attitude about my marriage bed was telling my husband I’d never say no. Now I happen to be married to the kindest, most selfless man around, who at even a whiff of my discomfort or fatigue would not force his way… but I finally realized that the bonding was often more important than my peel-me-off=the-ceiling pleasure every time. So many wives in their 50s are experiencing empty and platonic marriages because they gave into flagging libidos and didn’t consider their husband’s sexual needs; or, are facing a cheating husband or one searching for a more willing partner. Not nice, I know. But if I were her I’d be searching for ways to get on the same page with her spouse, who still seems to still prefer her, and to express how she wants their bonding to be significant for them both, to ask him to give pleasure, to go outside the box. How long will a man want to be with an unwilling partner who just “takes it?” If as described this man is really so selfish and boorish, I don’t get how they’ve gotten 40 years in… I know change is not impossible but it won’t be easy. I was a wife who needed a new attitude (of submission and respect) to make her marriage better. I wish her the best and I pray she will desire her husband as he does her.

    Reply
  12. j

    To answer a few questions that my story raised.My husband has always had a high sex drive.He is not on any medication that would cause this.We married has teens so we are in our late 50’s.I do have severe arthritis so I am in pain a lot.He has not retired.He is still working 12 hour days.He does hunt and fish.So keeping active does not slow him down.I have talked to him about this and while he thinks this is just my problem because he has always been this way.He has agreed to take no for a answer.We have agreed to once a day.He thinks I just need to concentrate on sex and that will help me out.We are a work in progress. Thank you for all of your advice.

    Reply
  13. Anonymous

    this woman should consider herself lucky that he wants her the bible clearly says that the woman is subject to the man so you either follow it all the way or find another religion.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      I like my religion just fine. It’s the one that says:

      “Do to others as you would have them do to you.” Luke 6:31
      “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Ephesians 5:21
      “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” Philippians 2:3-4
      “Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.” Romans 12:10
      “In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” Ephesians 5:28
      “Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.” Colossians 3:19

      Maybe you should look at the whole Word of God instead of picking out one scripture you like — the one that puts you in charge. (“But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first.” Matthew 19:20)

      Reply

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