Q&A with J: Pegging. Is It Okay?

Today’s question is an interesting one. It involves a practice you may or may not be aware of. This post is also more graphic than normal, so if it makes you highly uncomfortable, please click away and rejoin us for the Saturday post.

Here’s what the husband reader asks:

I got a question topic for you …and would like you to have a topic about it…pegging…where the wife does the husband. …I like woman’s point of view of it….maybe some husbands. …I’ll give ya time to look into study what does it do for the woman maybe letting her [dominate]. The wife giving the love, the husband receiving it.

Q&A with J: Pegging. Is It Okay?

In case you don’t know, pegging involves a woman using a dildo or strap-on penis and providing the man anal sex. What do I think about it?

No.

I could end there, but maybe you’d like some biblical and practical backup for my answer. Let me start with some questions for the reader and others considering this controversial practice.

Why would you want to do this?

Sometimes I think it would be cool to switch bodies just once with my husband, so that each of us could experience what the other feels during sex. But that’s just a curiosity! Genesis 5:2 says, “He created them male and female and blessed them.” We were made different with each gender being blessed in its own way.

Pegging feels like an attempt to switch gender places, with her being the penetrator and him being the receptor. But that’s not how we’re made. I celebrate that I am female and that my experience of sexual intimacy involves my husband penetrating my body, not the other way around. And he appreciates his own male-blessed role in our marriage bed.

If you’re longing for something different from that, maybe you need to rethink how you feel about the body God gave you and its special abilities and blessings.

Why does anal sex appeal to you?

While I am opposed to anal sex for various reasons, I at least understand why the man would want to penetrate the smaller opening that an anus provides. (There are plenty of other ways, however, to achieve additional friction and pressure.) Yet when a man desires being penetrated that way, we have historically viewed that as a homosexual practice.

Romans 1:27 says, “In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed shameful acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their error.” Those “shameful acts” certainly had to include anal sex with one another. Having that same kind of sex with a man-shaped object (dildo or strap-on) appears to be a substitute, even if your wife is the one doing it. And the Bible clearly is opposed.

What about prostate pleasure?

One argument for anal play for men is that having their prostate massaged increases the occurrence and intensity of orgasm. The prostate is a walnut-sized gland between the penis and rectum that’s involved in the production of semen; it secretes a fluid that nourishes and protects the sperm which then flows through the urethra in ejaculation. It’s not surprising, therefore, that stimulation of this organ is often believed to bring about stronger ejaculations.

Given the proximity of the prostate and the rectum, some believe that’s the best route to reach that spot. However, there are other ways to reach that spot that don’t involve the rectum. I think we too often neglect the area between the testicles and the anus. That’s a great place to massage and stroke, thus providing more stimulation to the area that contains the prostate gland. I’ve actually written about this area in Making the Most of His Manhood. You can’t directly touch the prostate, so it’s all indirect stimulation. But the penis extends past the scrotum, and that oft-bypassed area deserves a bit of attention.

Also, sexual positions can provide indirect stimulation of our interior arousal spots. To discover what works for you, try various positions and see what feels good. I suspect you’ll find that some positions provide more intense climaxes than others. This is likely true for both you and your wife, so be willing to use positions that give her the orgasm she enjoys as well.

What about letting her be dominant?

This is one of the arguments the reader gives for pegging — that it’s an opportunity for the woman to dominate in the marriage bed. There can certainly be times while making love that the husband or wife takes charge and directs the activity more than the other. The wife taking charge could be a major turn-on for the husband, or it could facilitate her reaching orgasm more easily, or it could simply be a way to switch things up.

But for the life of me, I can’t imagine how strapping on a dildo and pegging would feel dominant. If anything, it would make me feel like a tool for what my guy wants and that he wants something I don’t have. It doesn’t play into a woman’s natural strengths.

Regardless, that feeling of her in charge can be reached in many other ways — through sexual positions, communication, sexual play (like a blindfold for him?), and more. If you want your wife to take charge, let her take charge. And I bet almost every woman wouldn’t have pegging on their I-want-that list.

Sexuality is in flux in our society. On one hand, there’s more information available now than ever, including in churches. The acceptance of sexuality and our libidos is an improvement on some messages from our history that treated sex like a filthy activity or merely a man’s need. On the other hand, a lot of sex in our culture has been divorced from marriage and even relationship.

When sex becomes about physical pleasure, and especially self-pleasure, people often focus on more and more intense activities to increase physical sensations. “Spicing it up” is no longer defined as introducing greater arousal and fun into your bedroom, but rather kinkier and riskier sexual behaviors. It becomes about pushing the envelope with fringe activities. Pegging falls in that category.

If you want satisfying sexual intimacy, turn your attention and your heart toward the intimacy between husband and wife. Be spicy and exciting, but be loving and respectful too. You have so much freedom in the marriage bed, so explore all those activities that can truly make sex in your marriage something to treasure.

17 thoughts on “Q&A with J: Pegging. Is It Okay?

  1. libl

    EXCELLENT answer, J, and I agree while-heartedly.

    Frankly, I believe sexuality today, by and large, is developed under the umbrella of illicit eroticism rather than the God-intended flow of puberty into marriage. Too many people have “opened themselves up to” their budding sexuality through promiscuity and porn. Even explorative masturbation is seen as wrong in many families and it is the illicit nature of sneaking it that brings on much of the climactic feelings.

    I noticed this in my own life and found married sexuality boring now that it was “allowed”. The illicit sneaking of messing around before marriage, even though intercourse wasn’t performed until after marriage, was still enough to damage how I responded sexually within marriage. I had a hard time getting aroused without the excitement of the illicit.

    I believe I am sexually broken, but not without hope. God can heal and redeem. I am praying I am fully aroused as I ought to be by my husband. I pray “vanilla sex” is fulfilling and satisfying as God intended it to be and I don’t “need” all the extras to get “there.” Then, we can add extra to our repertoire in a healthful way.

    Reply
  2. Carly

    I love everything you said here, J! You said it perfectly. I had never heard of pegging before, and I was disgusted when I read what it was. It’s dysfunctional. This world is full of dysfunction! Thank you for bringing some truth!

    Reply
  3. Mike

    I don’t like anything in my rear. I tried a prostate massage once and it made me feel ill. When the doctor checks my prostrate with a digital exam, it feels uncomfortable. For me there is no pleasure there.

    Reply
  4. Anonymous for my husband's sake

    Well, I learned something today 🙂
    No, I wouldn’t feel positive about that practice at all; it would be like a nurse giving an enema. My husband doesn’t have an anus, due to surgery for bowel disease, so he won’t be asking for that (and wouldn’t, based on his religious views). But may I say (in relation to the link to your ‘manhood’ article), he does like to be stimulated back there. The Awaken Love site is a great source for pointers, too. My husband himself was surprised at how much just my running my hand up and down his lower abdomen adds to our you-know times. I’m grateful for all the advice available on reputable Christian blogs like yours. I came into marriage with no experience and now my husband thinks I am the world’s best *ahem*

    Reply
  5. Louye

    J,

    First off, let me say I love this blog as a whole. This post, however, has me scratching my head a bit. I can clearly see where you are taken aback by the reader’s email. I have concern over the phrase “The wife giving the love, the husband receiving it.” If this means that the reader is not “receiving love” whilst penetrating his wife, there could be a relational problem, or perhaps a situation sex is purely a physical act. I could see where you could read that and think, “something is wrong here.” If, the phrase “the wife giving the love, the husband receiving it” is just an attempt to refer to the act while not being overly graphic, then I would not be as concerned. It’s just hard to tell.

    For me, the head scratching part of this comes from your stating, “but maybe you’d like some biblical and practical backup for my answer.” As far as the practical, you did it. As with anything in life, we have to weigh out the positives and negatives in decisions. This includes other areas of life, such as food choices, clothing choices, which house to buy, etc. It’s all opinions and preferences, and we all have our own leanings. We can get that sort of talk all over the internet. One of the things that puts your blog in a more unique category, and why I (and many many others) keep coming here, is your putting things into a biblical perspective. Great way to go, but within there is dangerous territory. In our attempts to read “right or wrong” from the Bible we can skew things a bit. We all do that, so I am not taking you to task for it, but just wanted to alert you to it, at least in this case. To make the case that pegging is against God’s word, you rely on man’s reasoning. Yes, the Bible speaks against homosexuality in the manner you presented. Therefore, pegging is wrong due to it being a homosexual act. The only problem is, the act as described be the reader, does not include the key component to homosexuality, a member of the same gender. Using the “logic” of the instrument being used is male part shaped ,meaning it really is a male part, is on the level of saying that eating a pickle or a banana as being homosexual, because we all “know” what homosexuals put in their mouths.

    Often, we find “right or wrong” being defined by circumstances than individual acts. For example, it is wrong for me to walk down the street and shoot someone. However, we could be justified in shooting someone if they break into our house and attempt to rape our spouse. The act of pulling a trigger on a weapon pointed at a person is the same, it’s the reason why that matters. In the excerpts from the submitted email, we do not see the “why.” The only indication we have as to why comes from your response. The only “why” given under that heading is gender role switching. We find, reading along further in your post, that that is in fact what the email is referring to. I will agree with you, that is a kind of a situation I am uncomfortable with. Marriage is a relational relationship. Marriage, as defined biblically, is to be a reflected image of Christ and the church (Eph. 5:21-33). I have yet to find a verse to support that sometimes we are Christ and Christ is the church.

    I understand your thinking that closer indirect stimulation of the prostate (the prostate is not directly touched through the rectum) anally is not needed because of other ways to indirectly stimulate it makes sense. It’s kind of like how a man may not stimulate the wife’s vagina while stimulating the clitoris, because you can stimulate that area in other ways.

    Again, love the blog, has been hitting all three of hot, holy, and humorous. In this post however, please do not fall into the trap of using man’s reasoning to say an act is wrong when the Bible does not speak to it. In the case of pegging, I would not be surprised if 95% of the pegging participants are acting outside of God’s word due to the “whys” of the individual situations. An object similar in shape to a male part does not make it a male part by proxy. Good thing too, the time it has taken to write this response has left me with only enough time to eat a banana before getting the kids off to school!

    Thanking Christ for believers who serve other believers like you do,
    Louye

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      Thanks for your kind and thoughtful response. I appreciate having you as a reader!

      I will explain that I’m not among those who believe that only those things strictly and overtly forbidden in the scriptures are no-nos. If we use that standard, then we could not conclude that abortion and cocaine are wrong, yet Christians instinctively know they are against His will. How? We use our God-given reason to interpret biblical principles into modern-day applications. I believe that’s one reason God gave us the minds we have and used the format He used of stories, poetic literature, and more — He invites us to extrapolate, as long as we do so according to His will. Of course this sexual act isn’t like having sex with the same gender, but it is skewed in that direction and I find that to be a problem according to God’s Word.

      Reply
  6. Anonymous

    Honestly, even if there were no biblical considerations against pegging, it’s not advisable from a medical/health perspective. Perhaps if the husband and wife are younger it might not quite as big an issue, but hemorrhoids are not pleasant, and if one is not careful, can happen to anyone. There are also similar problems that can be a concern down the line.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      Yep, that is one of my concerns about anal penetration of any kind. It can easily be physically harmful.

      Reply
    1. J Post author

      Interesting thought. But I think people would be surprised some of the sincere questions we Christian sex bloggers receive. Maybe you’re right, though. I still answered.

      Reply
  7. C

    And, what if the wife wants to experience anal to know what it feels like – as a way to connect with the hubby, who she recently learned had a much more “deviant” sexual history than previously known.

    Basically, hubby wants to try pegging bc misses that act (amongst a few others) from his past. Wife feels more adventurous now, as a wife. Thoughts?

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      Same answers. And how is that a way to connect with hubby if it’s based on his deviant past? Moreover, the rectum is not designed for penetration, while the vagina is elastic. You might also look at what Christian marriage author Joe Beam has said about anal sex.

      Ultimately, it’s not just what we’re willing to entertain in the bedroom, but what honors God. This post on Married, Consenting Adults: Whose Okay Really Matters? might clarify my views on this subject.

      Reply
  8. Cs

    So, even if I’m a bit curious myself and indulge, submit, to varied intimacy endeavors and create shared experiences and finally openly communicate, it’s not honoring God? Slippery slope, of course.

    Yet almost purposeful, in a sense, from where I’m sitting. (Long backstory, recent culmination of several areas of our lives).

    God created everything, including sex. In our inherent nature, one could argue were doomed to fail and will always fall short on our own. I’m not trying to use this as a reason to justify what my husband and I do in our own bed. (We both adamantly feel that it’s between us -& God, and woud only ever be us two, unless he decides he’s gay after all-afore mentioned slope). Think of it as through it to get out of it.

    I do love getting your perspective, to help me figure out how I feel, since I feel most everyone I know is too judgey. Husband included, sadly.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      Yes, it’s ultimately between you and God. I give my biblically based opinions here, but I encourage people to study for themselves, pray about it, and listen to their conscience. Saying a prayer for y’all myself. Blessings!

      Reply

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