Q&A with J: I’m in a Sexless Marriage

Today’s question is heartbreaking. Listen to this husband’s emotional pain as he writes:

It has been 22 months since my wife of 22 years has had sex with me. She has told me she doesn’t feel a desire for sex. She either has an excuse for not doing it or want even answer my requests. I am really struggling with the situation. I’m looking for suggestions on how to discuss the issue further with her. The most hurtful thing to me is that my interpretation of the situation is that she doesn’t care about me enough to do something for me that she knows would make me happy.

Low-drive wives who struggle with high-drive husbands, please read that last sentence. I hear this again and again from husbands who want greater sexual frequency: What hurts isn’t the “blue balls” of not getting any sex; it’s the dismissal of their emotional needs and desire to connect physically. As I’ve often said, if it was just about the sexual release, he could take care of that on his own. Rather, it’s about sexual intimacy with his wife.

Q&A with J: I'm in a Sexless Marriage

Experts define a “sexless marriage” as one in which couples have sex less than 10 times a year. This poor husband has gone completely without for 22 months — almost two years — which isn’t sex-less so much as sex-free. And it’s absolutely not okay.

Of course, I’d love to chat with the wife. Oftentimes, a woman will tell a girlfriend what’s really going on more than she will her husband. Because she’s embarrassed or doesn’t think he’ll understand or gets caught up in her own fears. It’s risky to talk to your spouse about what’s going on in your head and heart regarding this most vulnerable, intimate act. But the wife isn’t available at the moment.

That’s okay. While spouses cannot make one another change, we do have influence. So to this husband . . .

She has told me she doesn’t feel a desire for sex. To me, this is the key line in your email. Because that’s where I’d start.

Did she have desire previously? If she used to desire, or at least enjoy, sex but doesn’t now, what changed? That’s what you need to know. And if you can calmly have that conversation with her, you might discover the underlying cause. Has her sex drive diminished with perimenopause or menopause? Is she under greater stress now than before? Is she discouraged in your relationship in some way? What’s different now from the way things were before the 22-month dry spell began?

Getting her to share such information requires creating a secure space for her talk, and not feel judged. Yes, she might have failings she should own, but this isn’t the time to point fingers or apply blame. As much as possible, make this subject one you can discuss as easily as “What did you do today?” Keep in mind Romans 12:18: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Approach your conversation with the goal of peace and understanding.

Does she have a desire for you? Too often, a lower-drive spouse views sex as an optional component of the relationship. If they feel like it, they’ll engage in sex. But if they don’t feel like it, they’ll just say they don’t want sex. That’s not the ultimate point, though, because it’s not just about sex. You clearly, and understandably, feel her rebuffing of sexual encounters as a personal rejection of you.

When you approach the subject of your sex life together, try to speak in terms of deep intimacy, loving acceptance, and physical expression of love. I understand you feel this as a strong physical need — because the longer you go, the more raging that physical drive can feel — but try to avoid statements like:

  • I want sex.
  • I need a sexual release.
  • I can’t go without for this long.

Dig deeper to what you really feel about this situation, with statements like:

  • I want us to connect physically.
  • I need to feel one flesh with you.
  • I miss you.

Make it clear that it’s not just the sex, but the sexual intimacy you desire with her. You can even liken your desire for sex to activities that make her feel connected to you — perhaps conversations, holding hands, vacations together, etc. Explain your perspective that sex is an important part of feeling uniquely connected to your wife.

The most hurtful thing to me is that my interpretation of the situation is that she doesn’t care about me enough to do something for me that she knows would make me happy. It’s normal and reasonable for you to feel rejected personally since she appears to be making no effort to address the lack of sex in your marriage. However, one thing here hit me as well. Yes, sex would make you happy. And I think you should be happy in that way.

But what about her happiness? What would your wife get from being sexually active with you? What’s the payoff in her world? Yes, of course we should serve one another in our marriages, but God also designed sexual intimacy to be mutually pleasurable. It’s not for one spouse or the other — it benefits you both.

Plenty of Christian wives have heard the erroneous message again and again: Sex is for him. What a pile of cowpattie! It’s for him and for her. God’s biological design of male and female and His Word repeatedly convey that He wants husband and wives to delight in this gift for marriage. What can you do to ensure your wife gets that message from you? That she knows it’s not all about your needs, but about your mutual needs and satisfaction?

Your wife might need to hear how much you want to sexually pleasure her to a mind-blowing climax, or maybe for now she just needs you to offer her a full-body massage with no strings attached. There are many ways you can communicate with your gaze, your words, and your touch that you long to bring her physical happiness that’s meaningful to her. From that place, wives are often more willing to engage sexually over time. Because they feel safe and cherished.

Those are some thoughts specific to your email, but I’ve written many times about related topics. Here are a few other posts you might want to check out:

How to Talk about Sexual Problems with Your Spouse – how-to advice

3 Things Higher-Drive Spouses Long For – perspectives for you

For Wives: When You Don’t Desire Sex – possible reasons for her low-libido

More on Wife’s Low Sex Drive – more resources on low libido

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32 thoughts on “Q&A with J: I’m in a Sexless Marriage

  1. Anonymous

    WOW, NO SEX for 22 months? This put my situation in perspective…at least I have had sex 4 times this year! I am praying for this brother-in-Christ right now…

    Reply
  2. Amanda

    If she cant have sex with him she should be totally honest with him and let him know how she feels. Maybe it has nothing to do with him. I havent had sex with my husband for three years (our marriage is sexless from the beginning) because of my PTSD, depression and anxiety from sexual and emotional abuse. My husband knows everything about the situation and I am also in therapy right now. I cant have sex with him but I am being honest and vulnerable and doing the best I can to heal. The rest is in Gods hands. I understand his feelings of rejection but doing that something that makes him happy is not like a Trip to a baseball game. It is letting him penetrate her body. And letting someone do that when you really cant stand it (for whatever reason) feels abusive. If she really has a problem she should get help and be honest about it. But I dont think she needs to let her body be used for His pleasure.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      I understand what you’re saying. Just to clarify: Not once did I say she should just lay back and let him penetrate her body. Of course not! Yet 2-3 years is an incredibly long time to go without sex in marriage. I pray that your therapy is helping you progress so that you can both embrace the gift of physical intimacy God wants to give you. It’s for him, yes, but for you too. I’m so sorry that someone else damaged your body and your heart with sexual abuse in your past; may God heal you completely!

      Reply
  3. sunny-dee

    I read on one forum, awhile back, that refusing sex was the most effective way that this woman’s husband could convince her that he did not love her. Nothing else he said or did mattered.

    Reply
    1. e2

      I dunno, Sunny. I’m learning that my wife’s low sexual desire has little, if anything, to do with her love for me. I truly believe she loves me all the while she has little interest in touching or being touched. And, I’m learning to stop believing — in self-righteousness — that I am somehow more loving just because i happen to have a stronger libido.

      Reply
      1. sunny-dee

        Yeah … my husband had sex with about 100 women before he met me. When he refuses me for sex (which is pretty much 100% of the time), there is literally nothing he can say that will make me believe it is not a reflection on his feelings for me.

        After time and a lot of reflection, I do truly believe he loves me, and in a way different than he loved all those other women. But I do not believe he is *in* love with me and I never will when his actions don’t match it. I think he married me for stability and companionship and a form of love. I think saying he’s in love with me is a lie he tells himself so marriage seems less lonely or maybe more justifiable.

        Reply
  4. Sexless Marriage Husband

    I feel for any spouse that is in a sexless marriage. I’m a man whose spouse was promiscuous before we met in college, we had great sex before marriage, and then I lived in a sexless marriage for 20 years. I fell to temptations, resorted to pornography, cheated on her, fell out of love with her, and I’ve chosen to divorce her.

    Sorry if I bring my baggage to bear, but this is what I now realize on this topic:
    * In a healthy relationship, the Low Desire Partner (LDP) controls the frequency of sex, just as the LDP would control the amount of communication, etc.
    * I believe the following represents the general belief about sex in today’s Christian community:
    1. People have sexual needs, more than just procreation.
    2. They are restricted from satisfying those needs outside of their relationship.
    3. Their partners have no obligation to satisfy these needs for them within the relationship.
    * Per this code of behaviors, the HDP is trapped if the LDP refuses to acknowledge / work on meeting the HDP needs. For many, not having their needs met will eventually lead to resentments, anger, distance, significant reduction in the quality of the marriage, pornography, and finding sexual partners outside the marriage.

    I believe the following quote from Shelia Gregory best defines the issue of a sexless marriage:
    Satan likes a marriage without sex as much as sex without a marriage.
    Why does the church only condemn one of the two?

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      I agree that we have long taught an improper view of sex in the Church. However, this — “Their partners have no obligation to satisfy these needs for them within the relationship” — is not what I see happening today. I genuinely believe that with voices like Sheila’s, many other marriage authors, and bold pastors, we are reaching a clearer understanding and acceptance of God’s Word on this issue. I think not only of 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 but also James 4:17 (“If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them”). It’s a whole attitude we need to take into our marriage of pursuing the best for one another and for our relationship.

      But marriage is a covenant relationship. And your situation, and others, begs the question of whether the covenant is broken by a sexless marriage. Some Christians say the covenant is never broken (even telling abused spouses to leave but never get divorced); other Christians say that a covenant is broken by sexual unfaithfulness (but there are various interpretations as well on what “sexual unfaithfulness” is); others believe the covenant can be broken by a sinful spouse engaged in abuse, addiction, or adultery; and others that the covenant can be broken by a selfish, unyielding spouse.

      Now if my husband stopped having sex with me tomorrow, I cannot imagine leaving — because there are other benefits to marriage, including for my family and community. That said, I would cry bloody tears and do everything whatsoever in my power to get back intimacy with my husband. My own conscience before God would not allow me to leave, but it also wouldn’t allow me to ignore what God wants us to have.

      Your situation is so tough, and my heart goes out to you. I hope you know that the Church has been changing, and — while many are still not comfortable speaking boldly about it — it’s not the position of the majority of Christians that a no-sex marriage is acceptable. I personally don’t know any pastor or Christian marriage author who believes that. Saying a prayer for you.

      Reply
      1. Eric

        J wrote: it’s not the position of the majority of Christians that a no-sex marriage is acceptable. I personally don’t know any pastor or Christian marriage author who believes that.

        I believe you’re right, J. You and Sheila are doing a great service for married Christians across America, Canada and everywhere God’s people can open a computer and find your blogs. But “majority?” I don’t think we know. Certainly things are changing, as folks discover what Sheila Gregoire says re sexless marriages being used of Satan. As I’ve said previously, pietistic notions about sex in marriage have not come from the church, and certainly not from the Bible, but from Greek Gnosticism, which has permeated Christian thought.

        My parents (born 1916 & 1918) believed in sex, and Mother told me after the Lord took my dad nearly 50 years ago that she missed the orgasms (though it took her several years of marriage to discover that wives should have them).

        As for the low-libido partner controlling things, “Sexless Marriage Husband” needs to re-examine this idea. This is true IF the sexual relation is based mostly on sex as recreation, rather than as a part of a wholesome relationship.

        If a wife (assuming she’s the low-libido partner) truly respects her husband, she will at least wish to cuddle, and perhaps enjoy sleeping naked with him. Though she may seldom orgasm when they have sex, she will happily accommodate him from time to time, though probably not as often as he wishes.

        Of course, there could be other issues, such as illness, pain during intercourse, etc., but these can usually be resolved with the help of a physician.

        So . . . work on the relationship in a selfless way, and the sex will probably take care of itself.
        Eric

        Reply
      2. libl

        There us a rising faction of Christians who do not believe women are obligated to give sex to their husbands no matter what. They believe that this doctrine forces women to be put in non consensual and damned if you do or don’t situations. Some even swing the pendulum far enough to call it marital rape.

        Now, I think this thinking is just as dangerous as the thinking that women owe men sex no matter what. Fact is, there is no yes when no is not allowed. Fact is, if you marry, sex is supposed to happen throughout the marriage except in very extreme circumstances. If you cannot or will not have sex, you have no business getting married unless your spouse 100% agrees to a sexless marriage with you.

        Fact is, “I don’t feel like it” is NOT a valid excuse or reason. What happens if you “don’t feel like” feeding your newborn or changing her diaper anymore? Either she dies or someone else gets the privaledge of raising her. What happens if you “don’t feel like” going to work anymore? You lose your job and all the other things your job pays for. What happens if you “don’t feel like” taking care of yourself? You become smelly, ill, isolated, and possibly institutionalized. We care for our children, our jobs, our health even when we don’t feel like it.

        Sex is very important to a marriage.. So is the individual. Forcing a spouse to have sex under the duress of theology is wrong. Forcing a spouse to go without sex because of personal baggage is wrong, too. There would be resentment whether one is forced or the other gets nothing. The only way to bridge the gap is to allow generosity and the holy spirit work.

        If my husband fails to be a husband to me, I, like J, would likely stay in a sexless marriage. If he is unmoving and unrepentant, I would take up the mantle of unmarried woman in that I would embrace the chastity and turn my focus on serving the Lord (1 Cor. 7:34).

        Sex in marriage is a glorious thing. But chastity in service to Christ is also a glorious thing. So, those are my options, and the latter only if forced by widowhood or abandonment because I chose to marry.

        Reply
        1. Eric Wiggin

          Libl’s remarks took guts–way to go!

          I mentioned in my own post that my mother told me that, after she and Dad married in 1938, it was several years before she had an orgasm, or even knew that wives could have them, too. Someone had to tell her. She tried it and liked it.

          Fast forward to early 1968. I’d been married three years (one child and one on the way); Mother was widowed in December 1967. She and I were talking, and I asked her what she missed about Dad. “Orgasms,” Mother said. I caught my breath, and strangled a “WOW!” Mother was always much easier to talk with about intimate issues than Dad, and she continued to be so until Jesus took her home in the spring, one year ago, after 48 years as a widow.

          Most of the wives who read this blog are mothers, many with teen sons. My advice: DON’T expect your son’s father to tell the boys how to treat a wife in bed. Most fathers are too embarrassed to do this, since their sexual feelings lie much closer to the surface than those of mothers. So, moms, get your son alone a few days before he marries and tell him a thing or two about how to treat a wife. Mention oral sex, how to use his fingers, and what these can do for a bride (his ears will light up like Rudolph’s nose, but he WILL listen). Since 80% of wives don’t orgasm from piv intercourse (tell him this), you may save him a lot of frustration, and give his sweet bride a lot more pleasure on the honeymoon, and for years later.
          Eric

          Reply
          1. J Post author

            Some great ideas, Eric, but even my kids — who are used to what Mom talks about and does — do not want to hear specific instructions from their mom pre-marriage. I would likely talk to them generally about attitudes and then point them toward trusted resources. For which they would thank me (and wouldn’t have to pay for therapy 😉 ).

          2. libl

            Thanks, Eric. And I agree with you. Moms, talk to your kids!! I don’t think generalized specifics are traumatizing. Telling them what their dad does and doesn’t do in bed is disrespectful and traumatizing, but educating them on generic sex facts shouldn’t be.

            All I got was it was going to hurt, to not put off the wedding night because it is shameful to not allow full penetration at once (holy cow, what horrid advice), and it is messy. I can’t say what my husband was told, but most of his sexual education was based around locker room talk and pornography. I would sell a kidney on eBay to have had someone teach my husband and I TRUTH about married sexuality before we even kissed on our first date!

            Bet your boots I am going to have a serious talking to with my children before marriage.

      3. Steve

        Another verse from Paul that I think can apply to this subject is 1 Timothy 5:8 “But if someone does not provide for his own, especially his own family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” This along with the definition of the word interpreted as “deprive” in 1 Cor 7:5 αποστερεο (to despoil:-defraud, destitute, kept back by fraud.) Demonstrate the seriousness of this issue to me. Jesus uses this word in Mark 10:19 You know the commandments: ‘Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony, do not defraud, honor your father and mother.’” In this verse Jesus puts this sin alongside the sins of murder and adultery so it is clear that this behavior ranks up there as a major bad behavior. I have come to think of sexual refusal as negative adultery. I think this is why Jesus uses the term for fornication rather than the term for adultery in Matt 5 and Matt 19.

        Reply
  5. Eric Wiggin

    I haven’t read your book, J (shame on me), but I’ll bet you could gift-wrap a copy as a wedding gift and “accidentally” leave a bookmark in a specific place. Isn’t your book a “trusted resource?”

    Wife and I bought a copy of SEX WITHOUT FEAR before we married, and we read it and discussed it. Back then–1963–they’d sell it to us only with a signed prescription from a medical doctor or an ordained minister. Yet you could purchase a copy of Playboy on any newsstand in 1963.

    Reply
  6. Melanie

    Sex isn’t for everyone. Not everyone enjoys sports, not everyone enjoys sex. Commenters on here relating it to a ‘chore’ are probably worsening the situation. I personally find sex quite vulgar. Many people go months & years without it. Doing something you hate out of duty is going to make things worse. Is the writer of the post involved in pornography that we haven’t been told of? That’s one sure way to kill off a wife’s desire…

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      Sex is for everyone who marries. It’s part of God’s design for a healthy, godly marriage. However, I understand that sex can seem vulgar if it’s been grossly mishandled in someone’s life. Pornography is certainly one terrible perpetrator of a twisted version of sex that God does not desire or condone. And there are plenty of other culprits too, such as childhood abuse or sexual assault. Which is why I speak so strongly against wrong versions of sexuality and for God’s design for sexual intimacy instead.

      What God desires is two people connecting physically and intimately with affection, respect, and love. That’s the sex that should be in marriage. Blessings!

      Reply
  7. Karen R.

    Thank you for your comment ^^^”Sex is for everyone who marries.” I think you wrote a post months ago that made a distinction between those who can’t have sex and those who won’t. I think too a distinction must also be made between those who can’t and won’t with those whose overall desire for sex is lower than their spouses.
    It seems there are many who absolutely won’t whether the reason is tied to emotional trauma, past abuse, current abuse in the marriage, addiction, etc. I think they have a responsibility to themselves and to their spouse to seek healing which can come through therapy, and much prayer. In the “won’t” category a common theme as expressed by their partners is an unwillingness to even talk about the problem, let alone seek help. That is unfair and I would label it as a form of abandonment.
    What is a spouse left to do? The first step would be to seek wise counsel and get into therapy with the spouse or alone if the refusing spouse won’t. Then, lovingly bring the issue out into the light by involving a pastor, etc. I don’t think it’s an issue to just live with without involving outside help.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      I agree with you. I don’t think it’s just “get in that bedroom and get busy!” Rather, for those who really struggle, it’s moving in the right direction — even taking a single baby step can show commitment to work things out. Blessings!

      Reply
      1. *libl

        Sometimes, I think people choose to take a tiny baby steps as possible to slow or avoid change, but still have the ammunition to put off a spouse’s frustrations. Someone who is injured may need months, years of physical therapy to get back on their feet, so I get that healing comes by measures. But even in that token, how many times have you heard an inspiring story of someone determined who recovered far more quickly than doctors predicted? It is about CHOOSING TO BE DETERMINED.

        I see refusers looking for loop holes, expecting to be coddled through. Let’s do counseling for several years are barely get pass a good night kiss. Let’s eat a box of cookies and whine about our body image.

        How about let’s decide to be the change and make it happen!!

        Reply
  8. Robin2014

    Sadly after 28 years my husband who was either LD( I did not even know this term existed then, I just assumed I was not good enough for him) or just not into me in the first 24 years of my marriage has now turned into a HD and is surprised that I his wife who has put up with his lack of interest in me for all these years has very low interest in him now. How could I , does he expect for me to turn the switch on just like that, is he kidding me? I have all this resentment toward him for rejecting me for so many years and now he expect all to be put aside like nothing happened. Whatever went on with him( and I do take my share of 50% of responsibility for really not being able to talk about it, because of feeling so uncomfortable, it was just easier not to) it affected both of us and I am so saddened to see how we both wasted so many years of our lives. And yes, as a neglected spouse in a pretty much sexless marriage I should have left just like so many of the men plan to do when I read these blogs, but I did not. And now I am dealing with a spouse who has not taken any responsibility for his past and thinks I should not hold any resentments towards him. For every action there is reaction, and sadly my reaction is I just don’t feel comfort, trust or love enough to be intimate with him, the memory of the pain and put downs I felt for being rejected for so many years is still too strong.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      I can absolutely understand how you could feel this way. How very frustrating for you! However, I pray that you two don’t waste any more time, but rather talk openly and productively about the intimacy you want to build from here. Maybe you could explain your hurt and get him to see what you need to heal and become more engaged in pursuing sexual intimacy. Take a step in the right direction and see what could happen. Praying for you. Blessings!

      Reply
  9. Melanie

    Karen R, I have sought therapy from various therapists & have tried every other pathway possible that would most likely be suggested on here. Nothing has worked & one therapist did tell me what I am experiencing isn’t uncommon. There are many women who don’t enjoy sex. I’m not a prostitute & do not wish to be made to feel like one. Sux is primarily for men. Some people don’t engage in sex. Its more common than you think.

    Reply
    1. Beth

      I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think a question you need to ask yourself is whether you believe the Bible is God’s infallible truth. If you don’t, then probably a lot of what J. says isn’t going to be helpful for you. If you do believe that all of the Bible is truth then you need to sort out what you “feel” and what is “truth.” According to the Bible sex within a godly marriage is NOT vulgar. It may “feel” vulgar to you for a variety of reasons but that doesn’t actually make the act truly vulgar. According to the Bible Christians in a godly marriage SHOULD be engaging in regular sex and it is NOT just for men to enjoy. There’s no exception clause for “if you don’t feel like it or don’t like it.” I’m NOT saying that someone should just play the prostitute to their spouse. But if someone is at the place that they don’t like it or don’t feel like it then the Scriptures teach that that person should be actively working towards a point where they can reach a mutually satisfying sexual relationship with their spouse. Based on your use of the words “vulgar” and “prostitute” my guess is that there is something still going on that is more than just “I don’t like it.” This may sound like I’m trivializing the situation, but you can learn to like something. Most people do that all the time in their relationships. I’ve learned to enjoy watching pro-soccer with my husband. I am learning to enjoy eating cheese with my friend that grew up in France. My husband has learned to enjoy making conversation around the table after a meal (he used to escape as soon as possible.) Like I said, I think you’re probably dealing with more than just like or dislike.
      One thing that I found very encouraging when I was dealing with anxiety issues was when a counselor told me (paraphrasing), “When the Bible teaches about having peace, it’s not an option. It’s a command, a fruit of the Spirit. But with that comes God’s help – he WANTS you to have peace. He WANTS you to let go of your anxiety. And he PROMISES to help you do that. So look at it as something that CAN be attained.” If you believe what the Scriptures say about sex (even though your emotions/likes/dislikes say otherwise) then be encouraged that God WANTS you to enjoy it, not endure it or skip it altogether. And he will help you get to that point if you let him.

      Reply
      1. mel

        Thanks for your glorious words of wisdom Beth. You seen to have Christianity downpat. Julie does believe in the Bible to a certain degree though is pretty blunt about masturbation being acceptable. A lot of Christian bloggers (to love honor & vacuum being one) talk about the terrible dangers of masturbation in marriages. I do agree with some of what Julie says, but other times find her aggressive & down putting.

        Reply
        1. J Post author

          I can clearly hear the sarcasm in your first couple of sentences. I sympathize with your feelings, Mel. Obviously, sex has not been a good experience for you, so it could be frustrating for others to press the point that you should be having sexual intimacy in marriage.

          But as far as me saying masturbation is acceptable, while others talk about the terrible dangers of masturbation, I don’t think that’s a proper characterization of what I’ve said concerning self-touch. In fact, I’ve said on my blog that, while I don’t believe masturbation is flat-out wrong in all circumstances, about 95% of masturbation is probably a bad idea. To revisit my stance, you might want to read this post: Masturbation: Hands On or Hands Off? And if anyone wants to see Sheila’s take from To Love Honor and Vacuum, I’m happy to share her post: Is Masturbation in Marriage Wrong? I think it’s pretty clear Sheila and I are not far apart.

          Finally, the statements that I “believe in the Bible to a certain degree” is a charge I reject. Two Christians might both put their faith in the Bible as the infallible Word of God, and yet interpret specific verses in different ways. The degree to which I believe in the Bible is wholehearted, complete, total certainty that it is true. About finding me aggressive and down-putting, I will cop to being exactly that if you wake me up in the middle of a deep sleep; short of that, I try to be respectful and encouraging. If I failed you in that regard, I’m sorry. Perhaps you’ll stick around, though, and see if anything on this blog could help your situation. I honestly believe God wants to bless you and your marriage!

          Reply
          1. Mel

            Nope, sorry Julie but you’re out of line. You most definitely said that you are not a blogger who believes masturbation is wrong. Nothing about the % of it.

            I also expressed some deep concerns to you last year and you attacked me on your website. When I emailed you and asked you to take the posts off you quickly wrote “done” in an email to me. Yet later, you sent an email apologising for being so abrupt and that you had been ‘busy’. I have also seen you publish a slanging match on here between yourself and someone else. That then mysteriously disappeared.

            [Comments about another marriage blogger — edited out.]

          2. J Post author

            I do not believe masturbation is flat-out wrong. I stand by that, but my post is very clear that it’s often unwise and can be dangerous in many instances. And that 95% citation from me is in that post I linked to. Maybe you should read my article again.

            I don’t know what “attacked me” means. But yes, I am sometimes extremely busy, so if I sent you a one-word email, that’s why. I work two jobs, maintain a household, volunteer at my church, take care of my family, and foster face-to-face relationships by spending time with friends; it makes for a too-busy life at times.

            As for a slanging match that “mysteriously disappeared,” sometimes I delete a string of comments that someone asks me to remove. I don’t know if that was the instance, but that is by far the most likely explanation.

            Finally, I made an edit to your comment, because — as my comments policy clearly states — I reserve the right to keep my blog a place for productive discussion and will thus not approve comments with personal attacks. If you have extensive problems with someone else who has guested on my blog, the appropriate place to deal with that is in the comments section of that particular post, where the article’s author can respond to your concerns.

            Under no circumstances do I want a contentious interaction with you. I genuinely wish you the best and pray that God blesses you in many ways!

  10. Eric Wiggin

    Thanks, Libl, for your encouraging and supportive comments. I do wish to clarify several issues about which I’m sometimes misunderstood. Meg Meeker, MD, who has counseled thousands of teens and their parents, writes in STRONG FATHERS, STRONG DAUGHTERS, “The most important person in a young girl’s life . . . (is) her father.” I agree, but I’m turning this around. The most important person in a teen boy’s life is his mother.

    But whether it’s the father seeking to influence his daughter, or the mother seeking to influence her son in a proper understanding of female sexuality, it is essential that the parent has a loving, trusting relationship with that child. Before this can occur, the father and mother must have a biblically-balanced relationship with each other.

    Most parents take it for granted that a father, to positively influence his daughter, must in obvious ways show love to their mother (Ephesians 5:25, 33). Less understood, it’s necessary for a mom who would influence her sons, as his wife to obey and respect their father (Ephesians 5:22, 33).

    There was never any question in my mind but what Mother respected Dad. She also had a great relationship with her own father. When she was a small child, he would take her with him to the wholesale warehouse where he bought goods for resale in his country store. There, he would sit her on a pile of crates so the men could admire her. Later, from age 13 to 16, Mother went weekly with Bill, her father, to a dance hall, where he worked as the bouncer on Saturday nights. Woe to the guy who messed with Bill’s pretty daughter. He was also a part-time sheriff, and he was wont to cart troublemakers off to the county jail.

    So, Mother was very tender toward the men in her life. I was the first of five sons. When, in her grief re Dad’s untimely death, she opened up to me about a woman’s sexual needs, presumably to spare my wife the frustrations of her own early married experience, I listened with appreciation. I pray that your sons will listen, too.
    Eric

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      “There, he would sit her on a pile of crates so the men could admire her.” Really? Was that the reason? That one part made me shudder. But I totally get the rest of where you’re coming from. Thanks, Eric!

      Reply

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