Q&A with J: How Will I Know What to Do?

Today’s questioner has not had sex. In fact, she feels completely unprepared to have sex in a future marriage. Here’s her story:

I’m a 22 yrs old mega-virgin and the concept of intimacy is new and kinda scary to me

My mother and I never had the talk, mainly because our family is very conservative when it comes to this stuff and she always tell me to refuse any physical interaction from guys until i got married and that’s it. (also i had found out that she and my grandmother never had the “talk”, figures right?)

o.k so i know what i’m NOT to do…but how do i know what am i SUPPOSE to do?
the only thing i look up on google is what happens to my body physically when aroused in wikipedia (pathetic, i know)

but i don’t know what else to look up, the world is dying to show me what they know but i don’t want to learn from that. i’m against porns!!! where do i start? What should i read? Please i need your advice!!!

Q&A with J: How Will I Know What to Do?

First, let me reiterate how important it is for parents to step up and talk to their children about sex, infusing those conversations with godly values. And notice I said conversations — plural — because one talk ain’t gonna cut it. Here’s more on that:

Talking to Your Kids about Sex: No More One & Done
Is “Don’t Have Sex” Enough for Teens?
Teach Your Kids the Correct Words for Body Parts
How to Talk to a Teen about Sex
Top Ten Things I Want to Teach My Teens About Sex

And now . . . Wikipedia. I wonder just what kind of information you get from there on this subject. It’s likely accurate, but it obviously can’t tell the whole story. And you won’t get the godly viewpoint of sexuality.

Which is why I wrote Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design and keep up with this blog: I believe our world desperately needs the truth about God’s gift of sex to marriages.

Our world desperately needs the truth about God's gift of sex to marriages. Click To Tweet

While I primarily speak to marrieds, specifically wives, let me tackle this question with some ideas of what you should know before marriage.

Your sex drive. Song of Songs, the Bible book about sex in marriage, warns three different times: “Do not awaken love until it so desires” (2:7, 3:5, 8:4). The charge is given to the “daughters of Jerusalem,” presumably unmarried women looking forward to the promise of sexual intimacy. This means we shouldn’t poke and prod sex, thinking it won’t wake up until we say I Do. We shouldn’t awaken it until the time is right — in a covenant marriage.

But have you ever watched babies, or maybe a dog or cat, sleep? They don’t just lie there sleeping like the dead; there are twitches and stirrings, moments when it looks like they might be waking up, but then they quickly return to sleep.

I think that’s where the Church and many Christians have gotten this wrong: We tell premarrieds to not awaken love, to shut down any possibility of sexual contact, and expect their sex drive to lie there completely dormant until they cross the marriage threshold. And then it’s supposed to leap from sleep. But after all that time of shoving their libido down, it can be hard for many wives to flip the switch.

Here’s what I’m going to tell you instead: You will have stirrings.

Your body will be aroused, likely many times over, before it’s the right time to engage sexually. And trying to shove those sexual feelings back in a box and tape it down isn’t the best approach. Rather, recognize those feelings for what they are—reminders that God created you as a beautiful, sexual woman who will one day be ready to fully awaken that love in marriage.

Now if you want to know why you should wait until marriage, and how, check out these posts:

Sex Before Marriage, Part 1 (Guest Post) on Preengaged
Sex Before Marriage, Part 2 (Guest Post) on Preengaged
How Much Should You Learn about Sex before the Wedding Night? from Heather & Eric Viets
The Premarital Sex Felt Great
How Premarital Sex Affects the Marriage (Guest Post) on Preengaged
Q&A with J: What To Do with Sexual Desire Before Marriage

Your anatomy. We don’t all respond the same way, but there are some fairly universal sensations. Let me describe a bit of anatomy and then discuss what happens.

Your privates are comprised of several basic parts: vagina, outer and inner vaginal lips (labia majora and labia minora), and clitoris. (There’s some other stuff like G-spot and Skene’s glands, but you don’t need to know that until you’re having sex. ) When a woman gets aroused, her vagina lubricates, her vaginal lips swell, and the clitoris enlarges. Not all of those have to happen together. Sometimes you’re just “wet,” and usually the clitoris becomes more visible with direct stimulation. But these are things that happen to our bodies when we’re sexually stimulated.

When you start having sex in marriage, the thing to remember is to take it slow and let your body become sufficiently aroused with lubrication and swelling (especially the inner vaginal lips) before engaging in intercourse. But for now, know that if your panties get wet from time to time, that’s normal. It tends to happen more frequently while we’re ovulating, but it can also happen just when we’re attracted to a guy or feeling more sensual in general. Consider it a reminder that God has created your body to engage in sexual intimacy with your husband when the time is right.

Your body image. Having heard from so many wives on this topic, this is something you can work on right now and for the rest of your life. Learn to love your body!

It’s going to be hard someday to bare it all for your husband if you don’t have any confidence in the beauty that God gave you. But He really did make you beautiful! Practice positive self-talk, noticing what your personal assets are and celebrating those. Don’t bat away compliments, but learn to say “thank you.” Take care of your body with a healthy diet and regular exercise. Don’t sweat the stuff you don’t like so much. Cherish those aspects that make you feminine — your softer skin, your curves, your private parts.

If body image is a struggle, mark this verse in your Bible or memorize it and remind yourself:

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

Psalm 139:13-14

Someday your husband is likely to adore seeing your body — your gorgeous, naked body — and it will be easier to engage in sexual intimacy if you believe his assertion that you are a beautiful woman. Not to mention that it’s God’s assertion as well, so believe Him. Remain modest, but appreciate the body you have — the body that will one day be used for sexual intimacy.

Your sexual baggage. You don’t only have sexual baggage if you had premarital sex. Sexual baggage is anything you drag into your marriage that is an obstacle to true physical intimacy. Even a poor theology of sex can be a load that burdens your marriage bed.

Even a poor theology of sex can be a load that burdens your marriage bed. Click To Tweet

What I wish I’d deeply understood before marriage was how pro-sex God was. Just in the right context. I had internalized the prevalent stance that Christianity believed sex to be a carnal activity and women to be the gatekeepers regulating oversexed men. But when I personally had experiences that conflicted somewhat with that teaching, I was confused and I strayed. I basically rejected the whole thing because parts of the theology I’d been taught weren’t true. While I bear all the fault for not seeking the real answers in the Word of God, it would be easier for young people if we told them the real deal: God wants you to have sex and enjoy it immensely, but in His sovereign wisdom He reserved it for marriage.

It’s worth asking yourself what messages about sex you’ve internalized and whether those really comport with what God says about sex. Some well-meaning Christians can present erroneous information, oftentimes because it’s what they were taught. We need to seek real answers from God’s Word.

Develop a healthy theology of sex, so that you understand it as (1) a blessing, (2) intended for reproduction, pleasure, and intimacy, and (3) reserved for the covenant bonds of marriage. By the way, that last one is not because God wants to deny us anything; rather, He wants us to enjoy the full measure of His gift and He knows that sex outside of marriage can easily damage one or both people. As Deuteronomy 10:12-13 says: And now, Israel, what does the Lord your God ask of you but to fear the Lord your God, to walk in obedience to him, to love him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to observe the Lord’s commands and decrees that I am giving you today for your own good?”

Find a godly mate. Finally, my best advice is to find a godly husband. I’m not talking about a perfect husband, that man who doesn’t exist except in romance novels and imaginations. Rather, if you want a great sex life someday, your best bet is to marry someone who also seeks God’s will — in everything.

Listen, whatever challenges you have in the marriage bed — whether it’s just wedding night awkwardness, or medical issues that create obstacles to sexual intimacy, or past sexual encounters that left wounds — having a mate who also understands the importance of sexual intimacy in marriage and who is loving and respectful of you will make everything smoother. Most marriages have ups and downs in the sex department, but being a team to work through those peaks and valleys is a far better situation than being at odds with one another.

The people who write me with major issues typically have one spouse who doesn’t want to tackle the problem head-on or who stubbornly pursues their own selfish ways. If you’ve got a guy, though, who’s committed to 1 Corinthians 13 love, you can weather all kinds of stuff. Of course, you should also be committed to that kind of love as well. I’ve often said that single women should spend less time looking for Mr. Right and more time becoming Mrs. Right.

I haven’t read it, but I understand The Sacred Search by Gary Thomas is an excellent book for singles on finding a godly mate. (I did read Sacred Marriage by the same author, and it was really good.) I’m also rather partial to The Jane Austen Guide to Happily Ever After by Elizabeth Kantor, which is not a Christian book but still a good resource for mate-picking.

One final note: When you do find The Guy, get some premarital counseling. And make sure it covers the topic of sex. Preengaged has some great resources in that regard, and I guarantee Heather and Eric there can talk biblically and honestly about sex.

26 thoughts on “Q&A with J: How Will I Know What to Do?

  1. Kristi

    I was a virgin when I got married 8 weeks before I turned 30. My mom and I only had a brief “what goes where” talk when I was about 12. I read books, blogs and got godly advice from my My Matron of Honor. Our pastor recommended that we read “Intended for Pleasure” by Ed and Gaye Wheat. I 100% recommend it! I’ve let friends borrow it and they enjoyed it as well. I also read Christan blogs such as this one. We addressed sex some in premarital counseling and my hubby and I (at the recommendation of our pastor) talked about it a few weeks before we got married. On your wedding night you figure it out together. That is a hard concept to understand before you have sex for the first time but it is true. You laugh when things don’t go as planned. Relax and enjoy it!

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      Thanks for sharing! What a great testimony to how you can get that info for yourself and enjoy great sexual intimacy in your marriage. Blessings to you both!

      Reply
  2. AnonymousForThisOne

    This is a great post!

    Questions like this are so sweet and wonderful and beautiful to read. Oh I wish I’d been in her shoes. I understand the nervousness, but how precious of a gift to be able to give to your husband. What a blessing. There’s a reason it’s called “sweet innocence.” I think you have a beautiful situation.

    I’m also thankful that young people today have resources like your blog, J.

    My story is much different, and I am so glad to hear that the person who asked the question has chosen NOT to learn from the world. That is a very, very wise choice.

    Quick, painful confession, I didn’t really ever “learn” what to do because it kind of just happened to me. My situation would probably be considered illegal today, but back then you did not tell, and if you did you were just told to “get over it” and “be more careful”. This was before I ever even met my husband.

    When my husband and I met, we didn’t even know premarital counseling was a thing. We both come from families that never really discussed sex. My mom told me about birth control, and in his house, sex was NEVER discussed. So we kind of had to be self taught, I guess you could say. Of course we learned a lot from the world around us, and that is not necessarily a good thing. We were not true believers at the time.

    So, original poster, I admire you! I think your innocence is beautiful, and I pray you will find a wonderful man who will cherish you and be happy to learn along with you. Praying you have a wonderful marriage, filled with many blessings!

    Reply
  3. Eric Wiggin

    Just a thought or two, J. The young lady who wrote you seems rightly concerned, but apparently she’s not engaged and contemplating a wedding right around the corner. Your observation that you were taught that women were the gatekeepers to control oversexed men (or something like that) is almost exactly the opposite of reality and of what the Bible teaches in I Thessalonians 4:4). Wrong, too is the feminist approach: “Just say NO!” (That phrase, BTW, was borrowed from Nancy Reagan, who intended it to mean “no” to taking drugs).

    All men and teen boys are endowed by God with the ability to realize immediately when they become sexually aroused–their erection (and BTW, an erection, while it needs to be kept private, is nothing to be ashamed of–any more than a growling stomach when a guy is hungry for food). Men of moral character will realize their body is responding, and will back off at that point.

    But I do fear for this young woman, because girls often do NOT know what’s happening until they’re in too deep to stop (pun intended). This is why a girl should never go on a date with a guy unless they’ve introduced him to Daddy. I told my daughter (now married) this, and she brought the guy home. I approved, but I warned him gently that he’d have to answer to me if he didn’t protect her chastity with his life.

    So take him home and introduce him to Daddy. Later, on your wedding night, there’ll be a normal bit of embarrassment and fumbling around, but no guilt and shame on either your part or his.
    Eric

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      You know, if I had to do all over a again, I wouldn’t date as a teenager; I’d focus on friendships, which tend to last longer anyway. And by the time I focused on dating, I would have been geographically too far from my father to take the guy home to daddy. (Couldn’t do that with my hubby! But Spock did call my dad to ask for his blessing to marry me.) But I think your overall approach is a good one. Thanks for the input!

      Reply
    2. Ashley

      Eric,

      I love your idea, but how many girls nowadays really have a dad? Or if they have one, how many are on good terms with him?

      Reply
  4. B

    I wish churches and parents would realize how important it is to talk about the benefits and enjoyment of sex in a covenant relationship. When all you have been told is to wait until marriage, and to shield yourself from all intimacy beforehand, it causes baggage later on. My husband and I waited until marriage, but now struggle with being “free” to enjoy those urges or attractions. My husband said that he’s been taught to suppress any sudden attractions all through growing up, that he is so ingrained into avoiding it, he puts away the “lustful thoughts” about me – his own wife. The result is frustration on my part, of almost never being shown more than basic attraction, or him initiating intimacy.

    The church can cause so much damage in their teaching of youth, all while trying to keep us on the straight and narrow.

    Thank you for your blog, and educating people – wed and unwed!

    Reply
    1. a. nony

      I encountered something so similar when I was in seminary, B! It seemed like so many of my guy friends (who were only friends with me because they weren’t attracted to me — they’d NEVER have been friends with a girl they found attractive, for fear of proximity leading them to lust) honestly thought that thinking a girl was beautiful or being drawn to her was itself a sin!! I wish we would talk more about how sexuality can be used in a godly way before marriage, to move a person toward finding a spouse, or to draw closer to Christ in cases where a godly use of that sexuality is impossible for whatever reason.

      I don’t know what those guys were thinking would happen — that they’d meet a girl and get engaged and married before they had a chance to notice her hotness? 😉 It was such a weird view — no personal responsibility for self-control, just trying to manipulate the external circumstances instead.

      Reply
      1. e2

        a.nony

        Your post accurately describes my singlehood as a man. I accepted Christ in my first year in college. Long before my conversion, I considered it ungentlemanly to notice a woman’s hotness. And, yet, my God-given hormones made me notice them. When I came to Christ, I was met with his warning against looking lustfully at a woman. As you suggest, I had a hard time appreciating the difference between acknowledging a woman’s sexuality and lusting after her. Thus, I spent my entire time as a single male living in perpetual guilt for simply noticing that the young ladies in my church or Bible study group had visually pleasing breasts.

        I can’t tell you the number of times I prayed for God to take away my visual attraction to women until I was married. I wanted him to kill my sexual desire until my wedding night and then make it magically appear. I firmly believed I should find no woman physically attractive except my wife, and since I was not married, any notice of a woman’s sexual features was sinful. And, then, after I married, it was equally taboo for me to recognize that other women could be sexually attractive. So, my guilt continued. And it didn’t help when I read in a survey that, when men and women were asked what constitutes “cheating” in marriage, the women said, “looking at another woman.” I felt doomed, and no amount of prayer could save me from it. This battle we men face with our visual natures is often unbearable and I would venture to say that the emotion we feel most often when we consider our sexuality is guilt. It is a constant companion.

        Reply
  5. KRA

    I will be getting married in 3 weeks. I’m 33, and can’t remember EVER talking to anyone (or hearing from anyone) about sex except for “wait for marriage” (but I do honestly think it was stated positively as “wait for” rather than “don’t until”). I don’t think we had sex ed (or even what you might consider basic anatomy classes in school (private Christian schools through college). I also (intentionally or inadvertently) avoided the world’s/media’s discussions and portrayals. So I am definitely like the questioner in terms of ignorance!

    I found your blog when I got engaged and have been reading what I find helpful and bookmarking what will only be appropriate after we’re married. My fiance and I have talked more about it than I’ve ever talked to anyone before (he was not a believer until within the last year, and lived the ways of the world, but we both realize God’s grand design for sex in marriage and great forgiveness for everyone). I am SO THANKFUL for the godly wisdom you share.

    We will be discussing this a little with the couple doing our premarital counseling (but over the course of the 2-hour session it is one of 4-5 topics that need to be covered). I expect to hear nothing else or have no more discussion about it with anyone else I know (two married sisters, two married BFFs, etc.) because it seems so taboo. That makes me even more grateful for your blog and aware that once we’ve been married a little while, there are others in my circle with whom I can talk about God’s way.

    Reply
  6. Amanda

    I can relate; I am also unmarried, mid-20s, and never was given more than the one talk by my mom. Everything I know, I learned from Google, books or friends in the past couple years. I appreciate what you said in this post J, and I thought the analogy of the sleeping child/cat was helpful. Also, that there are multiple sources of sexual baggage, not just premarital sex.

    I have some comments re: anatomy and sex drive.

    I disagree with Eric that women don’t often realize when they’re becoming aroused, as opposed to men, for whom it is more obvious. It’s just that, depending on one’s background, women may not have been given enough information to put words to a physical experience. Hopefully this isn’t TMI, but I masturbated before I ever heard that term, and (naturally) I felt that I was aroused beforehand. While telling people to just not fool around before marriage (and/or don’t masturbate, depending on your view) may be good advice, it does nothing to help you understand what’s going on with your body/arousal in the meantime.

    I think it’s also helpful to become educated about STIs, birth control options, anatomy etc even when you plan to wait until marriage. For one thing, your spouse may not have waited, and you’d want to know what questions to ask before marriage, as this can really impact your future sex life. I’ve also read a book about fertility awareness (skipping the parts that were explicitly about having sex). It helped me understand female anatomy in terms of overall health, which sex and reproduction is just one aspect of. I feel I am more prepared to discuss these things with my future spouse, understand things like why sex might be uncomfortable at times, and make birth control choices that are integrated with my overall health.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      That’s a good point. And I’ve told women who stayed virgins until marriage but married an experienced husband to ask him to be tested for STIs beforehand; that’s a reasonable request. Thanks.

      Reply
    2. Eric Wiggin

      Amanda wrote: I disagree with Eric that women don’t often realize when they’re becoming aroused, as opposed to men, for whom it is more obvious.

      Eric here–I said that “girls often do NOT know what’s happening until they’re in too deep to stop.” That’s “often,” not “always” or even “most girls.” The experiences of both young men and young women vary widely from individual to individual. I’ve been working on a book with a female co-author, in which I wrote several chapters on Leah, from the Bible. In studying the culture of the Middle East of 4,000 years ago I learned that unmarried women who lost their virginity were often strangled and their bodies thrown into the Euphrates River. The result: most girls remained virgins until they married, and the wedding night was often an event resembling rape.

      But this is Century 21 AD, Western civilization. Yet there are some girls who have not made out with a boy until their wedding night. Many, but not most. So I think J’s observation that if she had it to do over, she wouldn’t date in high school is wise advice. A girl who’s used to making out, yet still a virgin, knows what sexual arousal is, certainly. But I really don’t believe that I’d recommend this as sex education for the half dozen of my granddaughters who are now of marriage age. And I’m sure their parents would agree.

      As for getting help from dear old Dad, sadly, millions of American girls don’t have fathers at home, including many young women reading my comments. Another solution could be to ask your grandfather to be a surrogate Daddy (I don’t recommend step-fathers, however). Or your pastor or youth leader, if he’s old enough to be your father. Let him meet with the young man you’re dating.

      And here’s a book I’d recommend: STRONG FATHERS, STRONG DAUGHTERS, by Meg Meeker, M.D. She’s counseled thousands of teen girls, and has some valuable things to say about father-daughter relationships–including her own confession that to her shame she and her college boyfriend disregarded Daddy’s instructions to be home by midnight. Later she found that “the rat” was sleeping with at least two other girls. Much wisdom in her experience.

      Eric Wiggin

      Reply
      1. J Post author

        I suspect girls know and feel more than they let on. Because those sensations run through our body and brain, but it’s not outwardly obvious. Young men at times have to conceal their erection, whereas young women would have reveal their arousal because it’s tucked away, so to speak. I personally felt it more while “making out,” but it came at other times too — just as part of becoming a young woman and in the company of a man I was romantically attracted to. I suspect both genders have to learn to recognize their sexuality and then figure out how to keep it aimed in the right direction.

        Reply
  7. Greg

    J’s advice of “Develop a healthy theology of sex, so that you understand it as (1) a blessing, (2) intended for reproduction, pleasure, and intimacy, and (3) reserved for the covenant bonds of marriage” is right on.

    As a 46-year-old ‘mega-virgin’, I’ve found that focusing on the truth about sex and intimacy (medical facts and biblical truth) to be one of the most helpful things as I find myself still waiting (and deeply yearning) for intimacy. And knowing God may or may not answer those prayers with a “yes”.

    Especially as the world we live in is cramming anything /but/ the truth down our throats, while we struggle with a sex drive that can’t be switched off, and find ourselves questioning our own value and desirability to the opposite sex.

    It’s very difficult, and I applaud this young lady for wanting to do what’s right and taking the time to ensure she honors God as she waits, by asking some heartfelt questions about sexual intimacy.

    Reply
  8. Ngina Otiende

    Love love this article, J. I was just about to answer an email from a reader (bride-to-be) who expressed similar fears. Your article is right on time! I will send her the link and hopefully she will click through all the articles and sign up for your blog too!

    I love what you’ve said about developing a good theology on sex. I don’t think many people realize the importance, esp before marriage.

    Reply
  9. Lynn

    Well done again, J! I think the best advice I got, from ‘The Good Girl’s Guide’, which I read a couple of weeks before my wedding, was, don’t expect everything to be wonderful right away. Just knowing how often that’s the case reassured me, because the first couple of days were awful, frankly, and now, nearly 2 years later, I can joke with my husband about it, because it did get better. (And I hope the young lady’s future husband gets a little instruction, too, and doesn’t just admonish her, ‘Put it in!’ LOL).

    Reply
  10. alchemist

    If you’re not engaged, it really isn’t crucial that you make an in depth study of sex right now. In fact, it might be harmful in terms of keeping your thought life pure.

    If you want to maximize your chance of a happy, lasting marriage there are several things you can do. First, do no harm so 1) don’t co-habit. It significantly increases your chances of divorce 2) don’t have pre-marital sex. This includes manual and oral sex. It decreases your chance of being sexually fulfilled in marriage 3) don’t take in lies, so don’t watch porn, don’t read erotica and don’t watch shows/ movies/ read books that have unrealistic portrayal of relationships and sex. Also, don’t watch shows with disrespectful attitudes towards men. This will only fill your head with rubbish you have to unlearn 4) get rid of the notion of a soul mate. There is no such thing. It’s both unbiblical and counterproductive.

    Now for the positive. My #1 suggestion would be to work on following Christ. Sheila Gregoire likes to say that you should run as hard as you can after Christ. After a while, look around. The guy who keeps up is the guy you want to marry. Life doesn’t start when you are married. Work on being happy, healthy and serving Christ now. If you have addictions, mental illness, rage issues, financial issues, past abuse, besetting sins or anything like that, work on getting healthy now. Go to counseling. Get your finances sorted out. Learn how to cook and take care of a home. Get involved in your church. Work on building deep, good friendships. This will 1) help your future marriage 2) help you choose a better mate and 3) make sure you don’t waste your life if you end up not getting married.

    For books: I found C.S. Lewis’s the Four Loves and The Screwtape Letters to be really helpful. They are not explicitly about marriage, but they are very insightful in terms of love and romance and relationships in general. Marriage books: The Sacred Search is indeed excellent. You should read it. Sacred Marriage and The Meaning of Marriage are probably the best marriage books I’ve ever read (I’ve read a great many). Boundaries, and Love and Respect in marriage are also useful resources. Good blogs to follow is this one, Future Marriage University, To Love Honour and Vacuum, Gary Thomas’s site and any of the ones in J’s side bar.

    We read Good Girl’s guide to great sex and Intended for Pleasure before we got married (3 weeks before my 29th birthday. I was also a virgin and completely inexperienced). Other books I hear recommended is Sheet Music and The act of marriage. And of course J’s book; Sex Savvy republished and upgraded as Hot, Holy and Humorous.

    Just know, that no matter how much of an academic study you make out of it, it will not be 100% what you expect. And that’s perfectly ok. By all means, don’t go in blind. But don’t obsess about it either. It will be ok. If you’re both committed to Christ and each other, and don’t expect everything to be magical and perfect and the heavens to open up right off the bat you’ll be perfectly fine. Sex is both much less and much more important than the world would have you think. Less, because the world does not revolve around it. You will spend less than 1% of your life having sex. And more, because it is so much more meaningful and significant than just bodies using each other for pleasure.

    Reply
  11. April

    Yes, parents, PLEASE talk to your kids about sex and their bodies!!! There is a rampant problem with the lack of conversation both inside and outside of Christian families. I am in college ministry and am appalled by how many girls tell me their parents never talked to them about sex. Many of them were sexually abused as children and didn’t know what was happening because their parents never told them!!!

    Failing to talk to your kids is NOT keeping them from experimenting-it can be detrimental, especially if they become victims of sexual abuse. An acquaintance of mine has a daughter who was molested when she was three-one time. The guy was arrested and charged because the three year old was able to tell her mom and the police exactly what happened with the proper names for body parts. Yes, it is terrible that she was abused, but it could have kept going and continued to damage her if she didn’t know how to tell someone.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      Bless you for speaking up! Yes, that abuse breaks me heart. But that girl saved herself, and others, from continued abuse.

      Reply
  12. Anonymous

    I got married 3 weeks ago, also no experience whatsoever, I’ve never even kissed! I was also worried about what to do. So I prayed about it! God is my father, my best friend, my everything, He knew I’m worried about it, so why not talk to Him about it? We often feel ashamed and embarrassed to talk to God on this topic, but why should we!? He designed sex. After I prayed about it, two weeks before the wedding my fiance sat me down, and asked me about my worries about sex, and he told me his. We talked about what we hope for, and what we’re against. We were clearly on the same page. Praise God!! So my fiance calmed me down and told me how much He loves me, and that figuring it out will be fun!;) after the wedding when we got to our hotel, we kissed, but before we took it forward (as we decided 2 weeks before the wedding) we hugged and prayed for God to bless our intimacy part of marriage. Then my fiance took a shower, then I went and took a shower and put on my wedding night white lingerie, and suddenly I got so nervous!! I opened the door a crack, and whispered to my fiance “Im so nervous”, he quickly hopped off the couch and came in and pulled me out of the bathroom. The lights were dimmed and there was a candle lit, the atmosphere was romantic and cozy. He hugged me tight and told me how beautiful I am and everything else beyond that…well it was all amazing. It was more then worth the wait! Figuring it out is fun and special. Enjoy the ride, and cherish each moment♥

    Reply
  13. Anonymous

    Oh my goodness! Thank you so much for replying to my question!!!
    Wow it looks like i got more reading to do but this is so much better than flying blind. I’m excited to learn more, be smart about it and be prepared! 😀
    I really appreciate the additional advise, cause i’m not very confident with my own body (positive-self talk starts now!)
    Again, thank you so much for taking your time to answer!!!!

    Reply

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