5 Truths for High-Drive Wives

When it comes to sexual intimacy, I’ve had an interesting journey. I’ve been the virgin, the “technical virgin,” the so-not-a-virgin, the redeemed bride, the lots-of-sex newlywed, the no-libido wife, and the higher-drive wife. Sometimes I wonder if God allowed me to be put in all of these scenarios so that I can have compassion for people in different circumstances.

As 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 says: “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”

Although every situation is unique, there’s something about the general been there, done that which makes you understand someone else’s struggle just a bit more.

So believe me when I say that I’m very sensitive to those wives who read, hear, and see the constant message that men are incredibly eager to have sex … yet their experience doesn’t bear that out. As a high-drive wife, I remember falling into conversations with other Christian women and feeling like a penguin in a tropical forest — the only one of my kind and completely out-of-place. Was I the only wife who wanted more sex in her marriage?

5 Truths for High-Drive Wives

On Monday’s post, I responded to a comment thread about a higher-drive wife with the following:

When we’re going through a tough situation, it’s so easy to feel like everyone else is doing okay in that area and you’re alone in your misery. But…this isn’t some freakish thing for a wife to be the higher-drive spouse or for a husband to be less interested in sex. As I read and study this issue more and more, I’ve become convinced it’s maybe 1/4 of marriages. That’s hardly a small number!

Look at it this way: As of 2014, there were over 59 million married women in the United States. If 25% of those are higher-drive wives, that 14.75 million women whose husbands aren’t pawing at them all day long. Even if it’s 10%, that’s still 5.9 million wives. Hey, just imagine I’m completely wrong, and it’s 5% — still almost 3 million women. It just might help to put this into perspective and realize that, while a difference in sex drive can be a challenge that needs addressing, being the higher-drive wife doesn’t make you as rare as a dodo bird — far from it.

Today, I just want that to sink in for all of you higher-drive wives. There are millions of women like you. You are not alone.

I know that doesn’t solve your problem of libido differences with your husband. But sometimes we need start by recognizing some truths about what’s normal. So let me speak five truths to you higher-drive wives wondering a few things about yourself:

1. You are normal. You cannot find me a Bible verse, a biology textbook, or a quality marriage expert that says there’s anything wrong or weird about the female having the higher libido. Frankly, I’m thinking we should move away from talking about what’s typical or normal versus atypical and abnormal, and instead talk about what’s healthy and unhealthy. And desiring your spouse sexually is absolutely healthy.

2. You are not a “nympho.” Well, admittedly, someone out there might be. But overall, wanting sex more than your husband doesn’t make you a crazed sex fiend or a “slut” or any of the other labels that might float through your head from time to time. Would you ever let a friend call herself such awful names? Then why would you let your inner voice call you any of those wrong, hurtful names even one more time? Speak the truth about who you are.

3. You are not ugly. Given the ongoing messages about men being driven to have sex, and women being less interested, when you discover your situation is different, the first question often asked is “What’s wrong with me?” You wonder why he doesn’t want you the way you expected any red-blooded male would dive into the opportunity to have sex. But there are only a handful of times I’ve heard of sexual rejection being appearance-based. And if your husband is rejecting you because you gained a few pounds or whatever, then you’ve got bigger issues than a mismatch in sex drives.

4. You are not alone. It’s not true that no one else in the world understands your heartache. Other women in similar situations need your encouragement, and you need theirs. My hubby and I took the popular Dynamic Marriage course twice, and the first time I was the only woman in our small group who listed Sexual Fulfillment as one of my top marriage needs; the second time around, there was a like-minded wife in the class (bless her!), and it was affirming to have another wife who understood. Thank goodness we were both wiling to speak up!

5. Your sex drive matters. In marriage, both of you matter — his sex drive and yours. Ideally, you work together to find physical intimacy that pleasures and sates you both. If the lower-drive spouse isn’t there yet, it doesn’t mean the higher-drive spouse should squelch their natural desire to be sexually intimate with their beloved. You may have a bigger hill to climb to get to where you want to go, but start walking. Because your sex drive, and your sex life, matters — to you and to your marriage. God wants you to both enjoy satisfying sexual intimacy, and that’s a goal worth pursuing. You will likely need patience, wisdom, and perseverance, but aren’t those qualities we always need when we’re stretched to grow in our lives?

I hope you can hear these truths, and remind yourself of them often. I have a whole chapter in Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design just for higher-drive wives, with specific ideas on how to proceed. But start with knowing who you are — a healthy, desirable wife, who simply has a challenge to be addressed. And then pray to know that next step.

Reminder: Check out details about my fabulous September giveaway by clicking HERE.

Sept 2016 Giveaway 1

46 thoughts on “5 Truths for High-Drive Wives

  1. Nancy

    Glad this has finally been addressed. I am a higher-drive wife that also feels like I am on a ticking time-bomb because I have a chronic disease that will slowly but surely affect my ability to enjoy sex. I go from praying for contentment and being satisfied with the wonderful qualities that my husband has and being resentful. It definitely helps to know I am not alone.

    Reply
  2. Lucy

    I am a very ‘high drive wife’, though have come to the drive later in our marriage of nearly 20 years. I have learnt to love sex in a way I never thought I would and our libidos are now more matched than they ever have been. Interestingly the drive requires ‘work’ in the sense that if we don’t make love often, or if I don’t masturbate, then I lose the drive and interest. In this respect sex toys have been a real eye opener for our sexual relationship, again in a way I didn’t expect.

    Reply
  3. Terry

    What do you recommend for “temporary” situations, in which the husband’s drive is diminished due to stress or other reasons but will likely return at some point? Should he be left alone to “process” and focus on the task at hand, or does he simply need me to encourage him? For the first time in 16 years of marriage it seems that my and my husband’s places are reversed; and although my drive is still not as strong as his has been in the past I would still like to be “appreciated.” We’ve discussed the matter and he’s assured me that he’s not angry/upset with me and still finds me attractive, and while he still likes to cuddle and spend time together, for some unknown reason he just hasn’t been as, well, “driven” lately. I’ve tried initiating a few times, some more overtly than others, but his lackluster reciprocation feels like rejection and I’m not accustomed to throwing myself at him.

    He’s the CEO of a small company and has had work up to his eyeballs (a good problem to have in some respects) for months and months now; and I personally think he’s burned out and emotionally drained (although I would think he would turn to me for diversion and relief). Some time away would definitely be good for him (and us) if I can convince him to take time off (the work is going to be there for some time yet), but it may or may not set things back to “normal”. So again…do I “not push”; or do I try to be his “vacation” in the meantime?

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      Actually, I’d first try to get creative about when and how you try for sexual intimacy time. Sometimes a very stressed spouse will respond better in the morning, before all that work mess begins, or over the weekend. You can even try for a “nooner” if that’s possible in your world. You can also pamper him a bit, like saying, “Just let me give you a massage,” which it a wonderful thing to do anyway, and it might lead to him sleeping better or you both getting sex (either way, a win, no?). Ask for options that would work for him. Would he be more willing to have sex if he knows you’ve the bulk of the “work”? That is, you initiate, drive up the foreplay, go for woman-on-top? Would you like you to join him in the shower? Would mornings or nights be better? As long as you can have these conversations calmly, and not make this another pressure for him, why not give it a shot?

      But ultimately, my answer is this: “Do to others as you would have them do to you” (Luke 6:31). For me, if I’m in a short season where it’s really hard to have sex happen (yes, this has happened — with book deadlines), I’d want my husband to mostly understand and to woo me into something from time to time. Now, that’s me. But really, you should figure out what would show love to him most. Hope this helps! And I pray your CEO hubby can find some respite!

      Reply
      1. Terry

        A massage is a good idea; I’ve thought about asking him directly (and I may still) but he may well not know what would help him feel more relaxed any more than he knows the exact reason for the change. He does compartmentalize enough to shift his mind off work if sufficiently distracted, so it may not take much (and the shower option is and has been on the table :)). And he has reiterated his appreciation for all I do for him – so to @a.nony, he’s pretty transparent and not one to brood or hold grudges – at least not against me. I am trying to approach this from the standpoint of his needs and not just my own; this is just uncharted territory and I don’t want to be constantly putting myself in his face (literally or figuratively) if it’s not helpful. But thanks for the ideas – I really think this is a temporary situation that will ultimately help us to be better friends.

        Reply
    2. a. nony

      “his lackluster reciprocation feels like rejection”

      What did he say when you talked about this?

      My husband and I had to have a difficult conversation similar to this a couple of months ago, but it has been so much better since then. For him, it’s really hard to get “fired up” when he’s frustrated with me or with himself about something, because sex is very emotional and in his head. So it’s important for him to take the time to let it go, or for us to talk things out, so he can be in the mood.

      Reply
  4. Brent

    This is a great post! I, however, am the high drive husband of a lower drive wife. And I would like to see a post similar to this one except titled “5 Truths for wives of high drive husbands”

    1. Your husband is healthy. You cannot find me a Bible verse, a biology textbook, or a quality marriage expert that says there’s anything wrong or weird about the male having high libido. Desiring you sexually is absolutely healthy.

    2. Your husband is not a “pervert.” Well, admittedly, someone out there might be. But overall, wanting sex, or a sexual encounter, more than you doesn’t make your husband a crazed pervert or a “walking hormone” or any of the other labels of negative connotation that might float through your head from time to time. Would you ever want your husband to deprecate himself with such thoughts? Then why would you let your inner voice disrespect your husband with any of those wrong, hurtful labels — ever? Speak the truth about who you he is and learn to work with him as you are the only one he can be himself with!

    3. Your husband is handsome. Given the ongoing messages about women being repulsed by “driven” men and their desire for frequent sexual encounters, and males being chastised for having that drive, you may convince yourself that your husband is a deviant, ugly man. You wonder why he is so immature and doesn’t honor you — he will become ugly to you. But that is a lie, his desire for you is born out of his admiration for your beauty, both inner and outer. Honestly the inner beauty revealed intimately is more alluring than the outer by itself. And, he will not feel loved and cared for, even when you tell him he is, if you choose not to fulfill & seek his needs and desires, when you are the only one who can. That feeling of not being cared for or loved will create an easy path for your husband to have the self esteem of someone who does not feel handsome, he will feel ugly. So — show him he is handsome.

    4. You are not alone in your situation. It’s not true that no one else in the world understands your situation. Other women in similar situations need your encouragement, and you need theirs. Show joy when you speak of how your husband is “insatiable” and be proud that you are the person of his affections! — and how you, despite your lower drive, put confidence in your husbands walk and support the “ora” everyone will see on his face as a man that has the “wow” factor at home because his wife loves him and cares for his needs with joy, purpose, and honor in a way that is only she can.

    5. Your husbands sex drive matters. In marriage, both of you matter — his sex drive and yours. Ideally, you work together to find physical intimacy that pleasures and sates you both. You can show him you care with your actions, whether that be with intercourse or other activities reserved for the marital bond, and he can show you he cares by leading in a Godly manner and humbly accepting and acknowledging blessings you provide, and NOT warping biblical principles to demand activities out of selfish ambition. Your marriage represents a couple as one flesh, so both of you should take care of each other as if you are caring for the needs of your own body — because you really are.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      Perfect! Now I don’t have to write that post. 😉

      Actually, I think that’s great, especially your comments on #2. Thanks, Brent.

      Reply
  5. Amy

    I can relate with much of Terry’s comment above. And this, “his lackluster reciprocation feels like rejection” really says it all for me.

    My husband is not as driven either as I am and it can be very frustrating feeling that I have to try and make him want to make love. Now, having said that, there are definitely circumstances in our lives that make sex virtually impossible more than once or twice a week, even if I do want it more often. My hubby has been working Mon-Fri out of town for the past couple months and only has the weekends right now but now hunting season has started so that’s diminished our time together in those 2 short days. And even when hubby isn’t working out of town his work hours during the week are up at 1 or 2am, home about 3-5pm, and in bed by 6pm. So again, whether he’s out of town or not, weekday sex is pretty much a no go. And I totally understand and do not put pressure on him in anyway for sex during the week.
    But I once said to him how I sometimes at least need to hear that if he weren’t so tired, if there was more time, that he would want to make love. I need to hear once in a while that even through his exhaustion he still desires me and thinks about having sex with me.

    It is very difficult not to take his lack of interest or lack of time personally and start internalizing it as him not desiring me or thinking I’m not attractive enough anymore, etc etc etc.

    This is where communication is so important and in the beginning I was not very good about that. I would stew over him not responding to my advances or him just not initiating and then get more and more upset until when sex did happen I was too upset to really enjoy it and he was the only one getting pleasure from it. Then it was me waiting another week for him to be available. Not a good equation for a healthy sex life. 😉

    I’ve gotten better at letting him know I’m interested, trying to plan a time I know we’ll have available and making him stick to it. That’s the other thing which hurts is us having planned a time to be together sexually and him letting someone else get in the way of that. We’d get invited to dinner or someone would ask to come over and hubby would agree, or his phone would ring and he’d spend 30 minutes talking with a friend. I’ve had to let him know that’s not okay since our time is so limited. And when he does that it feels once again like being rejected because he would rather do something else than have sex.

    It can be very frustrating being a higher drive wife because you wonder at times what’s wrong with either your husband or yourself for him as a man not to crave sex as often as we hear men normally do.

    Reply
  6. B

    If you could see me now, I am about to put my head through a wall and/or stick a pencil in my eye! AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!

    I was REALLY encouraged by this post and was going to comment on how surprised I was that other women were commenting (because yes, I feel like I’m the only one sometimes) and I especially liked what you, J, wrote in numbers 3 and number 5. Because yes, my husband’s lack of interest in me makes me feel ugly, hideous, repulsive. And I absolutely feel like my sex drive is bad, too much, and should be removed if only I could figure out how to do so. So all of that was very uplifting…UNTIL… I read Brent’s comment.

    Which I read as:
    that’s nice for you few loser wives who have husbands that aren’t really that interested in you. BUT, for the rest of you beautiful, worthwhile, wonderful, darling wives that have husbands that actually love them and want to be with them sexually like normal men do, please realize how super great your husband is, how beautiful you are, and how blessed you are to be loved by him. Don’t make him feel badly because he finds you lovely and desires you. Be thankful! (On that point I agree with Brent). Brag about how hot you are, how your husband can’t keep his hands off you, rub it in the faces of the wives who will never know what it’s like to be desired by a man, especially the man they love, and boost your self worth while further crushing theirs. Tell everyone how lucky your husband is to have a woman as beautiful and sexy as you, and to the wives who have husbands who don’t feel that way about them? Well, just laugh in their faces and be glad you are not them.

    REALLY? I am actually shaking as I type this. I mean, COME ON!!!!!! The ONE post, THE ONE POST geared directly towards higher drive wives and their struggles and how they can learn to deal with what they are going through; the one post that actually makes some sense and starts to get through to me (and possibly other higher drive wives, I don’t know) and we have to take it, hijack into a higher drive man thing, just to remind those higher drive wives how the majority of marriages are – once again – as if we did not know this already. I mean, SERIOUSLY??? Couldn’t you let us have this one post? Just this one? Cause if you’re looking for posts that refer to a man’s sex drive being higher, there are MILLIONS.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      THIS IS YOUR POST. That comment WAS NOT for you! Just like other posts that feel like they’re aimed at everyone else, and then a high-drive wife comments in a way about her own situation…that’s what Brent was doing. Cut others some slack, girlfriend!

      Now breathe deeply, say a prayer, and go back and read the post. Seriously. Do it. And then shut the blog and meditate on what God wants you to hear. Blessings!!!

      Reply
    2. Brent

      If you know my heart … which I have revealed a small part of it here … you would realize that I am in no way trying to hijack anything or remove the blessing and encouragement of J’s post. I was encouraged by it, and you were too! We seem to be more alike than you think — our genders are just different! Take the gender out, and I can guarantee that the topic starting post by J was encouragement suited perfectly for many higher drive spouses! I personally have felt (or been made to feel) abnormal, like a nympho (or pervert), ugly, alone, and that my sex drive and needs were not important and were petty, immature, irrational and disgusting.

      My situation, I’m sure, is different than yours — but the emotional loss one feels as the higher drive spouse dealing with all types of rejection is common to all (well a lot) higher drive spouses.

      Please realize that my post was meant for a lower drive reader who may benefit from a perspective on the ‘other side’ using the same basic bullet points J used — I have no intention to encourage animosity or to be insensitive. In truth, I revealed my own wounds as well as a small bit of the thoughts I’ve shared with my lovely wife on the lifelong path of growth in physical intimacy we are on — there have been growing pains! — A LOT of growing pains!

      I truly hope you can read my commentary as from a higher drive spouse reaching out to a lower drive spouse — a complimentary perspective (not a hijack) of J’s amazing post.

      Reply
      1. Amy

        Hmmm, not sure why my other comment was not approved which I left earlier this morning, but I will leave a comment under this one.

        I have to say that in a way, a very small way, I agree with B about Brett’s comment. As I read it I was thinking to myself how almost all other marriage/sex blogs out there address lower drive wives with higher drive husbands. But this post J wrote was specifically about higher drive wives. So although Brett’s rewording of the post to reflect his marriage situation of him being higher drive (which a majority of men are) and his wife the lower drive spouse (which we have concluded is perhaps a majority of women) was well done and probably represents a majority of men, it left me feeling too like J’s post was kind of hijacked by yet another man complaining about his wife not wanting sex enough. Sorry, Brett, but that was initial feeling to your first comment.

        I do understand though how you were just trying to share from a higher drive husband’s point of view, but honestly, most blog posts are written from that angle.
        And after all that B has shared I wasn’t surprised to see her reaction to the comment! LOL

        Reply
        1. J Post author

          Yikes! That lag in approval time was my fault. Feel through the cracks (of my brain) — sorry.

          But yeah, I get what you’re saying. Maybe I should have held Brett’s great comment, and made it a different post. Because yes, this should be about reaching out to higher-drive wives. And I want those wives to hear my message clearly.

          Reply
          1. Terry

            How would it be if a male “guest” blogger were to address this issue from a husband’s point of view? Or are men really too varied for one man to speak for them all?

          2. Terry

            To clarify my previous comment, I meant from the perspective of a lower-drive husband – the idea being that perhaps some light could be shed on how these husbands view their wives. There may be some additional reassurance to be had.

        2. a. nony

          Yeah, I agree, Amy. Like, that’s fair enough, Brent, but you can EASILY find a post about higher-drive husbands to comment on since you’re passionate about it, and leave the space to women here who are higher drive. Let us have something, lol!!

          Reply
  7. Brent

    J.

    I meant no disrespect, and my heart aches that my comment has distracted from your intent. I ask that you remove my post, or edit it down to a simple “thank you, from a higher drive husband who has felt all those emotions.”

    It is way too important for your readers to have a thread they can discuss the issue at hand and absorb the encouragement you have provided, and discuss within that scope.

    Warm regards,
    Brent

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      I’m leaving the thread because I know you intended no harm whatsoever, and perhaps this conversation ended up highlighting the importance of being sensitive to what each gender deals with. Honestly, I wish someone would start a ministry reaching out to low-drive husbands who might well feel like weird ones too, because — as Brent’s comment shows — the general sense is that men are eager to have sex. Maybe those low-drive hubbies wonder what’s wrong with them too?

      I’d love to see the internet branch out in ministry to all these segments who struggle with sexual intimacy in their marriage, just as Jesus reached out to people from all backgrounds and walks of life. When it comes to this post, however, This One’s for the Girls. And just as Martina McBride sang, ladies, “You’re beautiful the way you are.”

      Reply
      1. a. nony

        Maybe those low-drive hubbies wonder what’s wrong with them too?

        I can’t imagine how they wouldn’t!! Being daily bombarded with the message that men are always “up for it” cannot be healthy for the man who needs things to be “just right” in order to be in the mood! That’s why I’m constantly railing against cultural stereotypes of masculinity and femininity — they are actively damaging to everyone.

        Reply
  8. Di

    It is true that this post could be “flipped” to the male perspective for much of what it’s saying, but there is a very basic difference in the experience of a higher-drive wife that Brent and other higher-drive husbands would not get.

    It’s the isolation. It’s wondering if you’re the only one.

    It’s sitting in a group of women who are moaning that they just wish their husbands would leave them alone and aching inside while you think, “I’d do anything for my husband to want to touch me.”

    And if you actually work up the courage to share that sentiment, everyone looks at you blankly, or says incredibly insensitive things about how lucky you are. (Yes, this has happened to me.)

    The internet has been an godsend for women like us. For the first time, many of us have learned we’re not alone. That this is far more common than we ever thought. It’s given me the courage to try and say something in real life, to push back against the “you’re so lucky” comments to get other women to see how painful this is. In the process I have discovered a few others in my community who are in the same boat.

    For guys, this is a time to show empathy. Let us know you understand a *part* of our pain. Let’s not make it about you.

    Reply
  9. Allie

    Twothings. One, thanks for posting this, J. My husband’s and my drives match pretty well, so that’s not so much my problem. But this post speaks to me because I’m a high-drive woman in general, and have felt isolated because of it. Di’s comment spoke to what I’ve experienced as a high-drive woman, sadly whatI’ve experienced mostly in Christian circles. Sometimes when around other female believers, I sit and listen to them talk about how their husbands wont’ leave them alone, why does he need sex, they don’t want to sleep with him and would be happy not to again, etc. I come away feeling like I’m the only Christian woman out there who actually desires her husband! Sadly it’s my secular friends who actually encourage me and seem to be happy that I desire my husband, and feel the same about theirs. What’s up with that? So, thanks for showing me I’m not alone as a Christian woman who likes sex with her man! But that brings me to point number two. Brent, I’m sorry for the backlash you’ve taken for your comment. I thought it was very well-written, and showed your heart. Those women I mentioned a minute ago, at all those Christian women’s ministry gatherings I’ve been a part of, is who Brent’s addressing in his comment. Personally, my heart aches for the men who go through what Brent has described. I imagine husbands who deal with what Brent described feel just as rejected as we do. And just as society (and sometimes the Christian community) tells us high-drive women that we’re abnormal and all manner of other things, it gives men false messages, too. Bottom line: the Enemy attacks both men and women in the sexual arena, in our own ways, and we should be looking to God and His Word for the truth about ourselves and our sex drives.

    Reply
    1. Amy

      Allie,
      I have felt exactly the same way as you when around other Christian women. I had a friend share with me one time how her husband was always wanting sex and she just couldn’t stan it. She said it was too messy and just not for her. But the more we talked I realized she had some hang ups over sex and most of it was because she and her husband had slipped up as she worded it and had sex once before marriage. She was still hung up on having premarital sex 20 years earlier and couldn’t seem to move past that. It’s like she hadn’t forgiven herself. I often wonder if that played a role in her not being able to let go and enjoy the gift of sex in her marriage.

      So why is it that Christian women seem so much more hung up about sex than secular women per se? Is it the wrongful message of how it’s the wife’s ‘duty’ to have sex because it’s for the husband only? Do we push the message of sexual purity so much to our teens in youth group and such that once married it’s much harder to flip that switch?
      The conversation with my friend that day had me wondering if past issues keep some women hung up because they don’t believe they are forgiven or perhaps they enjoyed it so much before marriage they feel guilty for enjoying it now, kwim?
      Or does it have to do with a person’s background and how they were raised? I grew up going to church but did not become a Christian until about 10 years into my first marriage. I remember how I actually struggled more with sex after becoming a believer because somehow I was getting this message from the Christian community that sex was not for the wife but she needed to make sure her husband was taken care of. So I wonder if there is this covert message within many churches that sex is only done for the husband’s sake and it’s just the duty of the wife?

      And as far as Brent taking backlash here for his comment, well honestly I felt as beautiful as his message was, it was rather misplaced on this thread meant for higher drive wives who DO want sex with their husband’s. I know he meant well, but it was another dagger in many of our hearts hearing once again what we hear on so many other blogs, that a man is not getting the sex he desires from his wife. He said in his follow up comment that his original comment was meant for any lower-drive readers to gain perspective from the ‘other’ side, the male side, but see that’s what I think didn’t go over so well, because most of us reading this and commenting are higher drive women and his perspective is found on almost any other blog you go to. It’s more rare to find posts written about the higher drive spouse being the wife. Maybe a different post would have been a better place for his bullet points from a man’s perspective, kwim?

      Reply
      1. a. nony

        “Do we push the message of sexual purity so much to our teens in youth group and such that once married it’s much harder to flip that switch?”

        I think this is a HUGE part of the problem, honestly. I’ve personally spoken to so many women who found it difficult to go from the mindset of “sex is something that damages me, reduces my value, makes me impure, taints me” to “sex is beautiful, important to my marriage, godly, joyous, essential.”

        I think the whole wording is problematic. Purity is something that (the way we teach about it, at least) can be destroyed or ruined — even by sexual assault or rape. CHASTITY is a decision. A person who has been sexually assaulted by has chosen to live a life of godly chastity is far more “pure” than a virgin who lusts or looks at pornography, because that person has failed to live chastely!

        Ugh, I just think of all of those youth group “purity” messages I heard where young women’s sexuality was compared to a glass of water that boys spit in (dirty, disgusting, unwanted), or a piece of duct tape with boys’ arm hair stuck to it (used up, worthless). Funnily enough, it was never the boys who were compared to spit-filled water or hairy duct tape.

        Reply
  10. B

    I’m wondering about something. This “inner voice” or “self talk” that everyone keeps talking about, and saying how we talk to ourselves matters. Okay, I might see your point, but is it really better to lie to yourself? I’m serious. Like telling yourself, “I’m beautiful and my sex drive is healthy”, even when that can’t possibly be true?
    I mean, is it really better to go through life telling yourself happy lies, or facing the cold, hard truth? I can see where it seems dumb to waste your life feeling badly because things aren’t the way you wish they were, but is it really better to go through life with a false sense of happiness that comes from positive “self talk” which could very well be just me deluding myself?
    I’m really wondering about this today, I’m not trying to be difficult.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      I’m telling you right now: Your self-talk isn’t true. You’re not lying to yourself to say, “This sex drive is healthy.” Yet again, can you give me a single Bible verse or biology textbook or quality research study that says it’s not reasonable and healthy for a woman to have a high sex drive. You can’t. Because it’s not out there.

      Deluding yourself is telling yourself something that simply isn’t true. And that’s not what people are encouraging you to do. I’m not saying to tell yourself that the sex-drive difference isn’t an issue or that everything will just work out if you only click your heels, believe, and recite, “I’m pretty, I’m pretty, I’m pretty.” I’m saying you should start with encouraging truth. Think of those two words: ENCOURAGING TRUTH. Because that’s something you can find in a bunch of Bible verses — the principles of using our words to speak truth and to encourage. Why not do that for yourself?

      Reply
      1. B

        Thank you ladies, for your replies. They are quite helpful and I need to reread them and think on them again and again. @J, I must admit all this time I have thought that people were telling me exactly what you say you’re not telling me. The whole just recite “I’m pretty, I’m pretty, I’m pretty” and all my dreams will come true. Basically to tell myself “I’m so special” like some goofy positive self help course or something. And so I’ve been incredibly resistant.
        But the way you’ve explained it here, the “encouraging truth” – backed up by the prayer a. nony typed and the scriptures Amy shared – wow. Whole new meaning. So thank you.

        Reply
    2. a. nony

      The thing is, B, you are right now lying to yourself. You are actively, daily, it seems, telling yourself the lie that you are a freak, that you’re alone, that your sex drive is wrong, and that that makes you ugly and worthless. The TRUTH of the GOSPEL is that your loving Father crafted you and your sex drive to sanctify you, bring him glory and — bonus!! — to give you pleasure. What you say to yourself doesn’t line up with reality. There are millions of women out there like you. MILLIONS. The way you talk about yourself and to yourself isn’t the “cold, hard truth,” it’s a cold, hard, hateful LIE.

      This isn’t about positive self talk. It’s about TRUE self talk. You can look in the mirror and say, “My sex drive is fearfully and wonderfully made. My body, mind, and spirit were beautifully crafted by God for his glory, and I am valuable because I am made in His image and after His likeness.” BECAUSE THOSE ARE TRUE THINGS, not because they’re some kind of pollyanna, anodyne, cutesy, power-of-positive-thinking thing.

      You can ALSO say, “Lord, I am suffering because of this. Help me to believe what is true and have my eyes wide open to how you are working in my marriage. Your word says you will not crush a bruised reed or snuff out a guttering wick, and I am bruised and guttering right now, so I am asking you to be gracious to me as my husband and I walk through this difficult time. Thank you that you are committed to my marriage, even more than I am, and that your word says you know the end from the beginning. Help me to trust you for my marriage and not put my confidence in anything else.”

      That’s what I’m praying for you right now, dear sister.

      Reply
    3. Amy

      “I will praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” -Psalm 139:14
      God made you in His image, therefore you are beautiful. That is no lie.

      “The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace.” – Romans 8:6

      “But who are you, a human being, to talk back to God? “Shall what is formed say to the one who formed it, ‘Why did you make me like this?'” -Romans 9:20

      God made you perfectly, He made you who you are and that is not a lie, that is not a mistake. What we think and say to ourselves does have an adverse affect on how we view ourselves. Start telling yourself how wonderfully made you are in God’s image. You are beautiful! Allow yourself to believe it!

      🙂

      Reply
  11. Anonymous

    Christianity has, for many centuries, has promoted unhealthy and unbiblical views of sexuality. For those with high drives (male or female), this has impacted their marriages greatly. We have felt ashamed, embarrassed and accused of being less spiritual. I am thankful for blogs like J’s, teaching the truths of sexuality for Christian married couples.

    Reply
    1. Nancy

      I have been Christian all of my life, with my husband for almost 20 years, and I only just recently learned God’s design for sex in a marriage. I think more churches need to add lectures to premarital counseling classes to help men and women understand what is truly biblical.

      Reply
  12. Anonymous

    I’m not sure I should speak here and hope I don’t offend anyone but I feel a calling to add my thoughts.

    I am a very low drive wife. I suppose I’m normal. I have hormonal issues that can’t be fixed. I’ve had doctors working on me for years.
    I have very difficult arousal issues and have trouble enjoying sexual touch.
    My problem is Real!
    I feel like a failure to my husband and my marriage even though my problem is physical, my husband still has trouble understanding.

    Why do we as humans always assume the worst when someone isn’t responding to us they way we feel they should? Why do we feel they could respond differently if only they wanted to?
    Why do we always assume the low drive person has an ulterior motive or is being manipulative, uncaring, or they don’t love us?

    I’m so tired of being the bad guy.
    I’m so tired of being told I could turn my body on if only I wanted to.
    I’m so tired of seeing doctors and trying to fix me.
    I’m so tired of being the one that is causing all the riff and angst in my marriage.
    I’m so tired of being told I’m punishing and/or abusing my spouse.
    I’m so broken inside that my body can’t respond in a way my spouse needs to feel loved by me.
    I’m tired of being inadequate.
    I do not deny but even that’s not enough.
    I’m tired of not being enough.

    I am so envious of high drive women like B and Amy. They have something I will never have. They know how it feels to be sensual, sexual, and horny. They know what it feels like to crave sexual intimacy. They can enjoy sexual touch. They can get turned on. They are sexually alive. What a wonderful feeling that must be!

    I’m sorry they have low drive husbands that don’t fit the norm.
    I’m sorry they are taking their husbands lack luster sexuality personally.
    I would love to know if their husbands feel as awful as I do.

    I would give anything to feel sexually alive Even if my husband couldn’t keep up with me.

    Please enjoy your blessed gift.
    You have something many of us will never get to experience.

    Reply
    1. Amy

      I’m sorry for your years of struggle, it must be heart breaking for you and your husband too not to be able to share in the wonderful gift of sex as fully as you want to.

      I am blessed beyond measure to have a husband who loves and cares for me as he does. This is a second marriage for me, my first was 20 years of abuse and living with a man who could care less about my pleasure or me at all.
      I try not to take my husbands lack of desire personally, some days it is hard not to though. But I’ve worked hard in the past couple years to change my thinking and really open my eyes to what causes it for him and how I can be supportive.
      I do believe he feels bad about not meeting my needs as often as I’d liked, so that’s why I try harder these days to love him right where he’s at and not be upset or harsh with him because he doesn’t fit the bill of how we think all men should be like sexually.

      Just as all women are not the same, some struggling with major health issues such as yourself. Now that I’m starting through menopause my body does not respond like it once did, although I still crave sex often. I’ve worked hard over the past several years to balance my hormones and make this change a little easier. I don’t know what you are dealing with, but I’d be happy to chat with you and share some of what has worked for me re: hormones. Feel free to email if you’d like.

      Blessings!

      Reply
    2. B

      @Anonymous – wow.

      I’m not offended by your comment. I am on my way out and would love to write a longer reply later. However, as I read your post I couldn’t help but wonder if my husband feels some of the things you say you feel. It’s so great that you are able to express yourself. My husband will often act sad, or withdrawn, but he never says anything! He just sits there, saying nothing, and his silence confirms every thought in my mind, no matter how right or wrong. I feel if he doesn’t argue with me, he must agree. But I wonder if he ever feels the things you feel but just doesn’t speak out.

      Don’t envy me. I see my high sex drive as a curse, not a blessing. I have always seen low drive (what I usually call “normal” wives – but I’m trying to change my words) wives as blessed. To be able to wait for your husband to pursue you, to have him desire you, long to be with you, that seems like a blessing to me. Although I will admit, I have no idea what it would be like to not be able to get aroused, and for that I am so sorry for you. You’ve given me a new perspective on some things.

      I’ll pray for you and I ask that you’d pray for me. I’ll reply again later and I think perhaps we may be able to help one another understand what our spouses may be thinking at times. I hesitate to speak for your husband, but I certainly know what it feels like to feel constantly rejected and see it as unloving. Maybe you can help me understand why that’s not always the case.

      Thanks for commenting,
      B

      Reply
      1. Nancy

        My husband is does the same thing. He stays quiet, most often, is he says anything, only saying “I don’t agree”. When we are discussing other topics and he doesn’t say anything, I always joke that it means he doesn’t agree but doesn’t want to get into it. I have spent much of my 20 years with him, calming explaining how I feel and what I need so he doesn’t have to guess. I have tried to be the supporting wife, assuming maybe the problem is that I was not showing him enough of what he needs. Now I just pray for contentment and maybe I am being set up to have a husband that doesn’t care about sex when my multiple sclerosis prevents me from being able to participate. At least at that point, I won’t have to worry about him going somewhere else to fulfill a need. I also try to concentrate on what he does well which is a lot.

        Reply
  13. e2

    Terry wrote, “How would it be if a male “guest” blogger were to address this issue from a husband’s point of view?”

    While I’m not a blog writer, I’ll take a stab at your question about how low drive husbands feel. I wasn’t always the higher drive spouse in our marriage. In our early years, my libido was much weaker than my wife’s, although hers was never on the level of, say, a B. The reasons for my weak libido were many, including the following:

    1. Effects of premarital sex. My wife and I were “technical virgins” when we had married. However, we had spent much time orgasmically enjoying third base. Each time I climaxed pre-marriage, my hormones would crash and leave me in a heap of guilt. I developed a pattern of enjoying the arousal of foreplay, but not the crash that followed orgasm. I began to associate orgasm with negative feelings. When we married, I found myself still preferring foreplay to the main event.

    2. Sex is messy. In movies, after experience simultaneous orgasms, the couple roll over and fall asleep in each other’s arms. Seriously? We run to the restroom and clean up the mess. Once again, foreplay is neat and clean; orgasm creates a mess that has to be cleaned up; I found that part icky.

    3. Wanting to prove myself a “good” guy. My wife has always been vocal about the Cosbys, Clintons, Woods, and Weiners who make the news with their sexual misdeeds. I wanted to make sure she knew I wasn’t one of “those” guys. So, I often avoided initiating sex, preferring instead to wait until she gave me a clear indication that she wanted it. I *never* wanted her to feel pressured to have sex if she wasn’t whole-heartedly into it. As a result, our frequency was very sparse. It didn’t help that we never talked about sex.

    4. Stress, stress, and more stress. Job stress was a real mood killer for me. It meant I had to work harder to get in the mood and deliberately pursue sex even when I didn’t feel aroused.

    5. Bad timing. I’ve never understood why sex is usually had at night. That’s when I was (and still am) most exhausted and least in the mood for sex. I’ve always been most aroused in the morning, when my wife is least interested.

    6. Bad communication. Did I mention we never talked about sex?

    7. Other relational issues. Yes, we men (or this man) can have his libido weakened if other areas of the relationship are strained.

    At no time during my time of weak libido was I turned off or repulsed by my wife. I found her body hot and attractive. I generally enjoyed sex when we had it, except for the hormone crash afterwards (I’ve never fully understood the concept of “after-glow”). In short, my weaker interest in sex had nothing to do with how much I loved my wife or was attracted to her.

    Reply
  14. Pingback: 40 Ways to Initiate Sex with Your Husband | Hot, Holy & Humorous

  15. JG

    My husband and I have been married just over 2 years, and I have had to beg him for sex whenever the mood strikes! Even on our honeymoon! He just doesn’t seem interested..
    I discovered porn on his computer about 2 months into our marriage, and I know that plays a part in him not being interested. I have suggested he go for counselling for that issue, and he says he Is not ready to do that yet. He was a single man until his late 30’s, and has had numerous sexual partners in the past. I know that a sexual past can affect a marriage as well. We talk about sex all the time, because I feel like he doesn’t want me. He says he is attracted to me that way, but he just won’t initiate! I feel unattractive and it really bothers me! I want him all the time, and have to hear NOT TONIGHT a lot…almost EVERY time! Its to the point where I want to just throw my hands up and say WHATEVER! but I know that God created sex to be a bond , a special bond, with your spouse., and only your spouse. And I crave that bond, and I want us to share that! When we fight, we don’t have make up sex. When he goes away for a few days, we don’t have sex when he gets home. I want to , he does not. I am so frustrated! Basically we are newly weds, and we have no sex life…
    I pray about it a lot. I hope it will change…

    Reply
    1. Brent

      “God created sex to be a bond , a special bond, with your spouse., and only your spouse. ”

      You are right, God created that bond and intends for you both to be exclusive in fulfilling the physical, emotional, and spiritual aspects of your union.

      I truly hate to sound harsh, but if he is actively viewing porn and has no interest in stopping, getting help, or taking the first step of being accountable to you, then he is not honoring the marriage vow — He is cheating on you. His his hand and third-party images and videos have taken your rightful place. He may love you, but only for what he can’t (or won’t) do on his own. That is a selfish love. His history is no excuse to continue on a destructive path and should not be accepted as one. When we marry, we become one and move from independence to interdependence and a stronghold of independence is a focal point for the evil one. His porn addiction seems to be his stronghold and the evil one will continue to ensnare your husband with it. Along with that, you are starving for the emotional and physical bond that sex creates, thus the evil one will indeed set his sights on that starvation. Satan attacks us by tempting us to be independent from God, spouse, friends, community, and any responsibility. Plus, he attacks us where we are starving — emotionally, physically, and spiritually, so be on your guard with respect to a “comforting friend” who Satan will use to draw you away from your husband.

      I don’t have any fancy credentials — but I have suffered porn addiction and alienated my wife and family because of it. It was a selfish time and Satan convinced me the path of porn and self-gratification was the only way to fill the needs I had. I have grown much since those horrid days. Learning (and accepting) Gods heart, His intent, and His blessing of freedom within the marriage bond brought us out of those days. But some consequences remain, and Satan continues to throw the temptations at me (as well as my wife) — pretty much daily — in some way, and its especially heavy bombardment when the emotional and physical needs of our body are not met. Note that when I say our body, I mean our marriage body — so if either partner in the unity of marriage is starving, or just hungry, the whole body is in need and the partners are directed by God to work together to nurture, and care for, the marriage body. It is in that unity of purpose and attention that we can fend on Satan’s attacks! …

      All this to say … Your husband needs to put away the porn — cast it out of his mind and pursue his fulfillment from you inside the playground (which is amazingly vast) God ordains for us to play in. If your husband has put away the porn in deed and action, then he needs to get it out of his mind! It is a fact that your adoration/appreciation/desire/love increases for what you see or visualize during orgasm. So your husband needs to transition from casting his affections toward a screen and his hand towards REAL emotional affections toward you, his wife. One way to he can begin that transition is to open his eyes during sex and lock on to your eyes (that are open as well) — especially during both of your orgasms.

      Now your part in this is not going to be easy, but first and foremost you need to understand that his choice to pursue porn, or not pursue true intimacy, is his. He may blame his actions on you, and honestly a wifes’ action or responses can increase Satans temptations and attacks, BUT the choice is his and his alone. Also, it won’t be easy because he has objectified sex for so long (porn, multiple partners, or whatever) that you will need to fight the battle of feeling objectified. A real action you can do, which is difficult, is to find out the need he is filling, or the vulnerability he’s protecting, that he feels can only be obtained through porn — not so you can become his “porn star” and allow continued objectification of sex, but so you can help redirect his desires that only you can fulfill — with real, unifying emotional vulnerability and be a safe haven for his insecurities. All this with the caveat that the desires he has are not sinful (ie: NO third person; no physical or mental abuse).

      With those first steps — individually — I encourage you and your husband to work through Intimacy Revealed by this blogs very own J Parker. It is indeed intended for wives, but my wife and I have both learned a great deal on intimacy — from a Godly perspective — for the marriage bond. In addition, I recommend 31 days to great sex by Sheila at tolovehonorandvacuum.com. In all candor, I do like J’s writing style a bit more, however, Sheila is equally amazing at walking through a process of learning. My wife and I are actually working through both books simultaneously [we don’t feel bound by the 31 days or 52 weeks … we are just intentionally working through them] — we have blended them together to make a complete experience. Intimacy Revealed is reflective and thought provoking, so we grow personally and often change our mindset; 31 days has that too, somewhat to a lesser degree, but has exercises on how to enjoy sex as it was intended and put those reflective thoughts into action (which is very good for us). We have not read Hot, Holy, Humorous by J (but I personally want to with my wife!) so I can’t speak to how that could be integrated into the fold of recovery and discovery.

      My commentary is but a rain drop in the sound advice that is out there (here on HHH and the links HHH references), and my thoughts are simply that — my thoughts. Those first steps I mentioned helped us get out of horrid days, and in the ebb and flow of life, we are going back to those basics again (fortunately for different reasons!) in order to re-learn how to fulfill each others needs as one body — the marriage body.

      Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.