Q&A with J: Does He Know How Your Orgasm Works?

Just so y’all know where my Q&As are, my email inbox is full with stories and questions. I read all of them, I pray about you, and I wish I could answer every one of you. But I can’t get to every one. If you have a severe issue in your marriage, keep pursuing answers and find help where you can get it — your personal physician, local pastor, or Christian counselor.

With that in mind, today’s question has been sitting in my inbox for months. But I’m eager to answer today, because this wife’s story illuminates some challenges in many marriage beds:

I have been married almost 8yrs and have never had an orgasm, this is frustrating to both me and my husband because he feels like he isn’t good enough and that he isn’t pleasing me. Even though I tell him time and time again that I do enjoy sex, and I do get a lot of pleasure even though I don’t orgasm. Sometimes I feel such intense pleasure that I think I’m going to and nothing happens, and he finishes, sometimes I feel like if he could last a little longer that maybe I could orgasm, but I don’t know (he wants to get a fleshlight to try some exercise to make him last longer but I don’t feel comfortable with it). I feel like he has given up on me, that he doesn’t even try to please me anymore, that sex is all for him and it makes me want to cry, there is hardly any foreplay anymore. I tried to talk to him, to tell him that I need foreplay to get wet, and I tried to explain that I read that some women need a lot of foreplay and clitoral stimulation to orgasm and that I want to try some new things. He took this as me being selfish and only wanting to do what I want by saying “I need this” that I only care about my pleasure and not his. But he does get pleasure and he does orgasm and I don’t, I just want to try to orgasm. He told me to try masturbating but I just don’t feel comfortable doing that because of how I was raised. I don’t know what to do. I don’t even want to bring it up to him anymore because I don’t want to upset him (he suffers from depression and self esteem issues, no he is not abusive).

Q&A-with-J-Does-He-Know-How-Your-Orgasm-Works with woman's hand grasping edge of bed

Starting with her issues about reaching orgasm, let me first share some of what I’ve written about that topic, and you can read whichever posts seem to apply to your situation:

What’s So Great about an Orgasm?

Why I Sometimes Don’t Care about the Orgasm

But I Still Can’t Orgasm! What Next?

Q&A with J: “I Just Can’t Seem to Orgasm”

Q&A with J: Your Pleasure & Orgasm Matter

Julie Sibert of Intimacy in Marriage also keeps a running list of posts about orgasm on her aptly named The Orgasm Page. It’s a terrific resource.

And the best treatment I have about reaching climax is in my book, Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design, where I walk through attitude, technique, and tips to help you achieve that marvelous peak of pleasure.

Now in this question, there seems to be a core issue that the husband doesn’t really understand how his wife’s orgasm works. And I hear that a lot.

Your spouse’s arousal isn’t like yours. We walk through life with the lens of our own experience coloring everything we see. When it’s relatively easy for you to orgasm, it can be hard to understand why it’s so difficult for your spouse. It takes intentionality and empathy to imagine what someone else is going through and to respond accordingly. But the beauty of God’s design is that you are required to get to know each other better, more intimately, to experience all the pleasure you can have in your marriage bed.

And it sounds to me like hubby just doesn’t know what her orgasm looks like. Because it isn’t like his. Or like he’s heard. Or even experienced with someone else. (I don’t know their history).

Once the wife learns more about how her pleasure and climax work (see resources above), then she can better teach her husband. But ultimately, it requires patience, communication, openness, exploration, and respect. Yep, respect. Respect that the wife’s body is its own beautiful creation and needs to be treated with wonder and, at times, perseverance.

Now I understand the appeal of a sex toy to help things out. That’s what a Fleshlight is, for those who don’t know. It’s a toy that simulates a vagina for a man to “practice” increasing his stamina. But in addition to my objections about the Fleshlight website (don’t go there—the “eye candy” is bad for you), I doubt this will achieve what you want. Because while it might increase his stamina, it still doesn’t help him figure out what works for your body. And your issue doesn’t seem to be him not lasting long enough. (By the way, if stamina is an issue, there are several techniques you can use to increase his time to climax.)

Also, while masturbating might get you there, ideally you want to experience him giving you such pleasure that you reach orgasm. I’m not opposed to adding your hand to the mix during a sexual encounter to finish out strong, but it is a lovely feeling to have your beloved husband get you all the way there.

With all that in mind, here’s what your husband needs to know about your orgasm. (You can even highlight and print the following and then hand it to him as a summary.)

Wanting orgasm isn’t selfish. God intended for both spouses to experience a great deal of physical pleasure and emotional bonding during the sex act. And while neither spouse has to climax every single time, it should be a regular occurrence that both of you complete your pleasure with that exciting peak. What’s selfish is to expect to achieve orgasm after orgasm after orgasm while your spouse pines to have even one.

Women usually don’t know their sexual organs as well as men know theirs. It’s a fact of life that men have easy access to their sexual organ from infancy, and they are intimately familiar with what it looks like, how it feels, and what it does. Women are more mysterious — with their sexual organs tucked in like the interior of a flower that must bloom for you to see and experience the beauty fully. Meaning we’ve got a learning curve to figure out how our bodies best respond sexually, and a husband can help a great deal with exploring and discovering all of her natural wonders.

It takes you a lot longer than it takes him. Typically, that’s true. Not necessarily once you’re both in the throes of passion, but most wives take longer to heat up to that point. We need romance, arousal, foreplay, pleasure. It’s why the number one tip I give husbands over and over is slow down.

Vaginal orgasms are the hardest to reach. Penetration is the best way for a man to climax, but not for a woman. Stimulation of the clitoris is required for a wife to reach orgasm. However, that stimulation is indirect during sexual intercourse, while it can be directly applied with manual play for her or oral sex. If you want a man’s view of how to approach things, Paul Byerly of Generous Husband has a detailed post for husbands on performing orgasmic massage.

Hopefully, that information and all the links in this post will help.

Finally, I know that you “don’t even want to bring it up to him anymore because I don’t want to upset him.” But what’s the alternative? Are you planning to continue the status quo? Because that seems rather unacceptable.

God wants you both to experience pleasure in the marriage bed, including the orgasm. Maybe you could read my post on talking to your spouse about sexual problems and figure out a way to bring up the subject gently, supportively, lovingly.

31 thoughts on “Q&A with J: Does He Know How Your Orgasm Works?

  1. RS

    What a difficult situation!
    I wonder if a man could also chime in here with a suggestion on how to approach the husband in a way he feels respected. The wife states that husband already struggles with self-esteem issues, so along with all the great info J has shared, the way to approach might be just as important in this case.
    My own personal story is that I didn’t even know a woman could have an orgasm when I got married, and so never thought about it. There were many times when we finished and I just didn’t feel satisfied, and couldn’t figure out why. Probably about 2 years after we were married, my husband was “exploring”, and brought me to clitoral climax with his hand. After many, many years, this is still the only way I have ever orgasmed, and honestly, have never felt jipped in any way. It definitely took a long time in the beginning: for hubby to figure out what worked, for me to focus, and for my body to respond without it taking 30 min or longer. We’re pros now, ? but it took a long time to get there.
    Praying for this couple, for good communication, and for their sex life to be strengthened.

    Reply
  2. B

    My husband does and doesn’t have a clue how my orgasm works. When things are going well between us (I.e. He doesn’t make me wait two weeks for sex), I often have an orgasm with no problem. (He always says we have great “chemistry”).

    However, because his sex drive is so much lower than mine, and his desire for me is quite low, I spend a great deal of time suppressing my feelings. So if he flirts with me or wants to just “cuddle”, I work very, very, very hard to basically “turn off”. It’s not easy, but getting turned on and knowing there will be no relief in sight, is much worse. So anyhow, what happens often is, I work for days to squash my desire. And lo and behold, that’s when he will finally decide he wants sex. Then he will move a bit too quickly for me to get myself back to the point of arousal, he finishes, and I am just kinda left with no satisfaction. I mean, I’m happy he was finally able to bring himself to being able to be with me, but I get sad because after waiting so long, I would have enjoyed having an orgasm. Couple that with knowing it will probably be at least a week before I even get another chance. Repressing your sexuality is exhausting work! And it is really an overall mood depresser, if that makes any sense.

    This article got me thinking, and I did a little research. I’m going to have to talk to my doctor. I’m convinced I have WAY too much testosterone and my husband doesn’t have enough. Which is kinda odd, because I’m quite feminine looking, but I am much too tall for a female. My voice is higher pitched, and my husband is very muscular and strong and masculine – but when it comes to sex, we have total role reversal. (Although I think a big part of that is that he is far less attracted to me than I am to him.)

    Whatever. The point is, after reading more online, I’m going to have to go to the doctor. Maybe they can give me some estrogen or something, in order to squash the testosterone? Beyond that I just read that I could also have my ovaries removed to dampen my sexual desire for my husband. I’m Not really into elective surgery, but if it would help me feel less repulsive to him, make me act more like a normal wife regarding sex, and if it would improve my marriage, then maybe it’s worth looking into. Of course if I tell him all this he’ll just act sad or mad, but it’s getting exhausting living this way.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      Gambling aversion aside, I am right now going to bet you one of my books that the doctor will not remove your ovaries just to kill your sex drive. And why would you go against God that way? Who gave you that sex drive? It’s healthy, normal, and good! As for the estrogen/testosterone, go ahead and get your levels checked. I have a feeling you’re in a normal range, but it won’t hurt to find out and see what your doctor says.

      Maybe instead of repressing your sexuality, you could just own it. And own that your husband’s sexuality isn’t like yours, or even like some stereotype of the always-wanting-sex man (which may be a majority, but not most of men by a long shot). Then figure out how you two can create sexual intimacy that gives you both pleasure. By the way, there is zero wrong with saying to him after you make love: “Wow, that was great. But could you stick with me a little longer and help me reach climax?” Then tell him what you’d like and see what happens.

      Reply
    2. Amy

      B,
      On average, women have about a tenth of the testosterone that men do and although women can have very high levels of testosterone it is more rare and can indicate some serious conditions in the body, one of which is not an abnormally high sex drive.
      Yes, your husband could have low testosterone which causes his lower sex drive, but you having a normal, healthy sex drive does not mean you somehow have much more testosterone than he does.

      Stop trying to make your situation out as abnormal. You desire sex with your husband. That’s natural and perfectly normal.
      And just because your husband does not have the same drive as you does not make him abnormal. It could be he has low T, is fatigued from work, or stressed, or quite possibly satisfied with the frequency.
      I agree with J that you two need to talk, really talk about what each of you desires sexually and how to come to a compromise which will satisfy the two of you.

      And of course your husband would be upset if you were to choose surgery in an attempt to lessen your sexual desire. I mean really??? Would we recommend a man have surgery to reduce his drive?

      Perhaps you could actually flirt back with him and cuddle, maybe he actually desires that kind of nonsexual touch and interaction to get his desire going much like a woman often times does. And so what if it doesn’t lead to sex? If you want it to, TELL HIM! While cuddling on the couch tell him how much you want to make love with him. Stop trying to suppress your natural God-given desire and be bold and tell him!
      And if he isn’t interested at that time then lovingly ask for a raincheck for the next day or night.

      Still praying for you!

      Reply
  3. S

    My heart goes out to the woman you responded to, here, J, because I have been that wife. It took me nine years of marriage until I had my first orgasm. Within those nine years, there were many prayers, tears and feelings of hopelessness and feeling like something was wrong with me.

    We finally figured it out. That was several years ago. Now I look back and am thankful for all those years of intimacy-building in the bedroom as we attempted to figure it out. He now makes sure I orgasm every time we have sex. My husband now knows my body VERY well, but he had to put the time in, to patiently study me and learn. And I had to learn to relax and let go, and allow him to lead; to trust him and be willing to be vulnerable and verbal. My encouragement to you is to pray, communicate about what you’re feeling inside and outside the bedroom, and also to encourage your husband and his efforts. It is REALLY hard for a husband not to be able to please his wife this way, and so any words of love and affirmation are a big deal. Also, it is not at all selfish for you to want this. It’s a good, God-given desire.

    Praying for you right now; that God would bless this area of your marriage and help each one of you. Praying particularly that your husband will grow in confidence and in perseverance; that He will be diligent in pursuing you and learning how your body works and responds. Praying that God will give you hope and that your marriage will be strengthened.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      Thank you for being an encouraging testimony! I appreciate you sharing your story. And I’m thrilled that you figured things out and have a wonderful experience now. Blessings!

      Reply
  4. Tom Hillson

    A couple things about women’s sexuality makes me feel God had nothing to do with it:

    (1) “Women usually don’t know their sexual organs as well as men know theirs”. I don’t get this at all. Even though women’s sexual organs are inside and more complex, why wouldn’t they know all about how they work within a couple years of reaching puberty? Guys know all about their plumbing within days of their first wet dream. If they had women’s sexual organs, even if it took them 10 times longer, they would know how they worked very soon. This just puzzles me. How can anyone not know about a part of their body (that’s not entirely internal)?

    (2) “Vaginal orgasms are the hardest to reach. Penetration is the best way for a man to climax, but not for a woman.” How could a God be behind something like this? This fact has caused so many women to be unfulfilled sexually.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      Both of these are answered pretty quickly in my mind.

      (1) Once we’re in puberty, most women recognize the feelings of arousal. Likely many wives learned that touching and making were arousing enough to produce tingly feelings and lubrication. But the specifics are still internal, so we don’t know exactly how to make that happen with direct contact. Being frank here, the clitoris doesn’t make much of a show until she’s getting aroused, and its swelling isn’t obvious to us unless we put our hand down there. The sexual sensations of the vulva and vagina aren’t clear either, until we’re actually aroused enough and then touched down there. Seriously, things feel very different for most women on a day-to-day basis versus when we are sexually aroused. And most girls I knew did not masturbate in their teens. But hey, why not enjoy the exploration with our husbands? Who doesn’t love a good adventure?!

      (2) I hear what you’re saying, but I think it only causes problems if we view penetration as the whole of sexual intimacy. And it’s not. God’s design forces us to spend more time with one another’s bodies, giving and gaining pleasure, and to experience a broader range of affection and sensation. From a woman’s point of view (mine), clitoral orgasms are easier to reach and feel amazing, but the more-challenging vaginal orgasms are incredible. Hard to reach, sure, but it’s quite a feeling standing at the top of Everest. I simply encourage wives to start with the easier, though still difficult for some, clitoral orgasm.

      Reply
      1. Tom Hillson

        Your answer to (1) to me explains why women are not as sexual as men. Their plumbing is so much more mysterious and nuanced that a lot of women don’t even know how to have sexual pleasure.

        Reply
        1. J Post author

          I just don’t think it’s true that “women are not as sexual as men.” Just because our sexuality is different doesn’t mean it isn’t strong and wonderful. We do know how to have sexual pleasure if given the opportunity/encouragement to explore, try different things, and embrace our sensuality. I believe a women’s sexual response can be more intense than a man’s, if properly nurtured.

          The point is, we have more to figure out, but a virtuoso violinist understands that it takes time to master the music. Doesn’t make the violin any less of a pleasure. 😉

          Reply
          1. Tom Hillson

            I say women are less sexual than men because they think about sex less often than men (in general) and they want sex less often than men.

          2. J Post author

            Often true, though not always. And I guess I’m thinking that we get to be sexual in some pretty great ways. Basically, once I worked things out and began to express and enjoy my sexuality in the marriage bed, not only did I not feel cheated; I felt like I had the better deal in some ways (e.g., multiple orgasms). This makes me think about the larger question of what it means to be “sexual.”

  5. Penny Armbruster

    We spent the first several years (8 or so heartbreaking years after waiting for marriage to have sex) in this exact situation as your reader. I finally went to see a doctor who #1 diagnosed me with lichen sclerosis and I found out there was a reason I wasn’t able to orgasm with penetration alone. #2 She sent me to Pelvic Floor Therapy because I again had a physical issue happening so my muscles weren’t working right. #3 She told me to masturbate because I needed to figure out how my body worked to be able to show my husband. With my husbands blessing, I did and figured it out and taught him and now, life is GOOD! We’ve been married 15 years now. I always encourage women to seek out a doctor who specializes in sexual health. There may actually be a reason you aren’t orgasming and may be something that can be corrected. Don’t stop trying.

    Reply
  6. Al

    I can share a bit from a husband’s perspective. I was married in 1986, and have been working out intimacy issues ever since. I don’t know the age of the wife in the letter, I don’t know how old they are, or what they learned growing up, but this couple sounds a lot like us, so maybe what we’ve learned can be of some help.

    The context of our understanding of sex in marriage is important for my wife and me. We were both raised in Christian families and understood that sex was to be saved for marriage. We didn’t quite make it, but it is relevant that our only real sexual experience has been with each other, so everything we know, we learned from each other. (We won’t get into baseball diamonds here… first base, second base…..). Sex was a stress for us almost immediately, and we’ve been working it out ever since. Without going into details, one of the most important things we needed to get past was what Shannon Ethridge calls something like “Good Girls Don’t”, as in Good Girls Don’t Do That. It took a long time.

    I remember learning as I grew up that sex is sinful. The message was: Don’t do it. Stay away. It’s wrong. Sexual sin was defined by a whole list of prohibitions, any of which would sear your soul, make you pregnant, give you VD, cause you to go blind, or worst of all, grow hair on your palms. Parents, schools, and even the church essentially scared the sex out of us. The prohibitions were inflexible and definite, and looked like this:

    1) Don’t do this…..
    2) Don’t do that….
    3) Never…..xx
    4) Never….yy
    5) It is a sin to ……
    6) It is a REALLY BIG sin to ……

    And when you got married, nobody said much about the rules being changed. It was more like….”OK, you can have sex now.” And it was confusing.

    In struggling through this with my wife, I have read a LOT, trying to understand God’s intention for sex in marriage, understand my wife’s sexuality, and understand my own feelings. Early on, this was tough because there wasn’t much written that wasn’t heavily theological or really dry, but in the past 15 years there has been an explosion of Christian authors and bloggers writing about sex in Christian marriage. It is interesting that the vast majority of blog sites are written by and for women, but it is helpful for men to have so much information available. I don’t know that the opposite is true, and so often is left to women bloggers to post information about how men feel.

    This all ties together because after many years, I finally came to the conclusion that defining sex through a list of prohibitions is so damaging to a healthy sex life in Christian marriage that it can destroy it. God did not intend for us to be afraid of sex, or sexuality, or orgasms. It is a gift. If we do not celebrate the joy and freedom of sexuality and intimacy within marriage, people will find it in relationships outside of marriage and eventually we will destroy both the social institution and the holy sacrament.

    So now, circling back, after much reading, talking and praying, I have come to realize the truth about sex, and that is God really has two prohibitions when it comes to sex.

    1) DO NOT commit adultery. Do not have sex, or desire to have sex, with anyone other than your spouse. Although it seems like it’s a singular commandment, this one actually covers a lot of ground, including not just infidelity, but also premarital sex, porn, threesomes, and anything else that outside the union of man and wife.
    2) Sex is intended to bring pleasure to a couple and Paul clearly says, DO NOT withhold sexual pleasure from your spouse. Or looking at it from the other end, God is actually telling us to have good sex.

    Those are the rules. Everything else is manmade. It is a lot of freedom to explore with your spouse. In fact, if you think something is sinful, and it doesn’t break one of those two rules, you really need to pray hard on it, because it’s likely you are holding on to what you were taught, and not what the Bible says. That doesn’t mean everyone has to be completely comfortable with every possible variation in the bedroom (or couch, or back seat, or playhouse, or woods…. ), but don’t let fear keep you from talking and exploring and sharing with your spouse.

    So my perspective on what is happening in the story. What I see is a husband asking his wife to help him figure out how to bring her pleasure, which is exactly what God wants for their marriage. And I see her being afraid that what he is asking is sinful, or that if she responds, she will be sinning. And it is ok for her to be wary of that, as long as it doesn’t paralyze their relationship. This is exactly what happened to us, and it wasn’t until we came to understand that God gives us such unimaginable freedom to explore and bring pleasure to each other that we started to overcome this shadow of guilt and embarrassment.

    When a husband shares with his wife that he can’t hold out long enough to get her to orgasm, that is a BIG deal for a man. He’s asking for help at his most vulnerable place. His manhood is on the line. He can feel like a failure. A speaker at our church recently said that for most husbands, bringing their wife to orgasm is the definition of great sex. So the trick is to figure out a way to work on it together. Maybe a fleshlight isn’t the answer, especially if she isn’t comfortable with it, or if it’s something that one or both of them expect that he would practice alone, but there are a lot of other ways to practice that she can help with. There is a lot written on this subject, and what husband wouldn’t love a helping hand during practice sessions? 🙂

    It is also important that a couple communicate during sex. If a husband feels like he is getting into launch sequence before she’s ready, he can let her know so they can do a changeup. Maybe slow down, or change positions, or stop for a moment. When I tell my wife, she sometimes says “No, no, no! Don’t stop”, but if the alternative is disappointment, as the wife describes, then we need to share our feelings and have a plan.

    Regarding the husbands suggestion that his wife might masturbate if he finishes early, that also seems to me that it may be a suggestion based on love rather than selfishness. When a husband finishes too soon, he feels like he’s failed his wife. It can be frustrating and embarrassing. But that doesn’t mean sex has to be over. I think I’ve read enough to understand that there are some women who will almost never have an orgasm during regular sex, but who can orgasm through manual stimulation, oral sex or vibrators. None of those ideas falls into either of the two prohibitions God laid out for us, but sometimes we are scared that it is sin somehow, especially if that is what we were taught early. It is so important to recognize this gap in what we understand and what God intended. God built our bodies to experience intense pleasure during orgasm. If a husband and wife are lovingly working together to achieve that goal, that has to make Him happy.

    Regarding the question of whether it is ok for a wife to touch herself during sex (or after), frankly, that isn’t on the prohibited list either. In fact, most Christian authors I’ve read encourage a wife to work toward exploring and understanding her own body. We’ve been scared into thinking that masturbation is a mortal sin, but that simply is not supported by the Bible. Unless it includes fantasies of other people or if somehow it is coming between a husband and wife, it is not on the prohibited list. Julie Siebert wrote a nice article on this topic at her site Intimacy in Marriage.

    As a man and a husband, what I’ve learned in my own marriage is that I need to learn to be honest and open with my wife. I need to be gentle and seek to understand her, and I really need her to tell me what she needs in our sex life. I need her to be patient and understanding with me. And we both need to leave our baggage behind and listen to what God says. At times, this feels like work, and it needs to be intentional and purposeful. But it is also so worth it. There is very little room for being judgmental on either side of the conversation. It took my wife and I 25 years to see what was happening and put fear and embarrassment on the back burner so we could approach sex from with the understanding that God invented it and he gave it to us as a gift. A really awesome gift.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      Thanks for your comment. I agree with much of what you said.

      But while I do believe that there are the basic rules, there’s also having a sexually intimate relationship that honors God completely. Which involves Christian principles to guide our choices. Thus, I look toward both rules and principles for Christian living in our lives, including the marriage bed. Together they form a solid biblical viewpoint for making choices.

      Reply
      1. Al

        I totally agree that the principles underpinning marriage, like commitment, unconditional love, forgiveness, humble service, empathy, etc., are what make the marriage work. Certainly wasn’t intending to ignore those. It just took us a long time to learn to communicate honestly, without feeling ashamed or embarrassed about things that we now understand shouldn’t be scary.

        Thanks for a really cool site.

        Reply
  7. Tom Hillson

    J, I’m glad you mentioned multiple orgasms. Help me understand this please: Back rubs feel good. Massages feel even better. I know women love both. Now sex feels a whole lot better than these even. And women can have multiple orgasms – men generally can not. Now sex feels so good to men that they clamor for it a lot. But being able to have multiple orgasms, why aren’t women clamoring for sex even MORE than men, instead of usually LESS than men?

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      My opinion? Because (1) it feels great, but it takes a bit of time and effort, and (2) because many women don’t feel sexual desire until after they’re aroused (it’s typically flipped with men: desire first, then arousal). Try thinking of it this way: A roller coaster is a fabulously exciting adventure, but it’s a whole ordeal to get on one. You don’t just go riding roller coasters all the time, even if you love it. I know this analogy isn’t perfect, but it’s a decent enough explanation, I hope.

      Reply
      1. Tom Hillson

        Women experience arousal first, then sexual desire? How do their private parts get physically aroused (I guess you’re talking about the clitoris or lips swelling?) without sexual desire? By an accidental touch? Does this explain why women don’t get aroused visually when they walk around during their day – that they have no sexual thoughts because they aren’t physically aroused? I’m very confused on this.

        Reply
        1. J Post author

          Okay, I can’t speak for all women everywhere, but for myself and the vast majority of women I’ve talked to, arousal does not happen first through stimulation of the private parts. In fact, this is something men would be wise to understand: grabbing her breasts or hoo-ha is not a turn-on for her. Rather, affection and foreplay are the best ways to get her engine revvin’.

          Let’s just walk through an arousal scenario that could work: Wife’s husband is attentive to her throughout the day and non-sexually affectionate. She feels more attracted and bonded to him. He begins kissing her or offers to give her a massage. They become physically closer and more involved in touch and kissing. He suggests sex, and given her positive feelings toward him, she makes the decision to engage. They begin touching each other more sexually, but he still takes his time to kiss her mouth and skin and to stroke her body. Through these sensations, and her own gazing and touching of him, she becomes sexually aroused with her body responding accordingly. Now she is truly “in the mood” and desires to enjoy and complete the act of lovemaking.

          Now I’m not saying that women don’t get aroused at other times. In fact, one thing I suggest to wives is that they use the power of their minds to start that arousal phrase earlier by thinking about sex, anticipating those sensations, and deciding early to engage. But it’s not uncommon for a women to not feel a high level of physical arousal until she’s in the middle of kissing and touching her husband.

          What makes us gals even more strange mysterious fun is that our menstrual/fertility cycles affect this. So if it’s right around the time an egg is released, a woman might become physically aroused (swollen and lubricated) with little or no stimulation, while other times our bodies take longer to get there.

          Reply
          1. Tom Hillson

            J, I feel this just proves my claim that men are more sexual than women. Women need a lot of stuff to happen for them to get in the mood for sex. Men don’t.

            Take this analogy: Let’s say you have 2 people: person A, who cracks up with laughter all day long, and person B, who cracks up only under special circumstances, which don’t occur every day. But when those circumstances happen, B cracks up even more than A. Who would you say was more of a laugher? A, right?

          2. Amy

            Tom, I think you are talking more about sexual arousal, not just being sexual. Men may be more easily aroused or at least it’s more outwardly obvious, but that doesn’t mean they are more sexual.

            Your analogy of someone laughing all the time compared to someone who only laughs on occasion…just because someone laughs all the time compared to a person who only really laughs on occasion signals more of a sense of humor to me. Someone who laughs all the time doesn’t necessarily have a great sense of humor whereas someone who really laughs when something is funny does.
            🙂

  8. Reiko

    It took me almost nine years of marriage too. But in my case (a year later now), my husband still has not figured any of it out or been the primary cause of any orgasms for me. I had to go figure it out on my own, but when I tried to show him, he gave up too quickly after all those years of failure. There are other issues going on at the same time, too, so it’s going to take a lot longer for us to build any kind of satisfying sex life.

    To the original wife, I would suggest that masturbation may well be what’s necessary to figure out how things work. My husband was simply no help with that. And patience in any given session is crucial. I had to do relaxation and breathing exercises and practice for 20-30 minutes at a time on my own for weeks before I had any confidence in what I was doing, even after I succeeded the first time.

    It’s totally worth it to be able to do it, though. Now I know that even if my husband can’t or won’t meet that need, I can still do it for myself. I initially felt it was uncomfortable too, but now I wish I’d known enough to figure it out years ago. Probably would have saved us both a lot of heartache.

    Reply
  9. Todd

    In my humble opinion I think there is almost too much focus on the act of orgasm. I think what is missing, at least from my marriage, was the lack of walls. What I mean is that, in order to really, truly experience sex/orgasm at its best, the man and the woman both have to break down the walls of vulnerability between each other. When this occurs, the bedroom gets a lot warmer. Unfortunately for us men, this means way more talking and sharing of feelings. As for the women, it means patience with us. In this case, the husband truly needs to understand that the best chance you have for your wife to orgasm, is to start at 7am with compliments, flirting, etc. For women, it takes time. In addition, learn to LOVE the art of foreplay, in my case this was providing oral pleasure almost to the point of no return but you know God made each of us different and the only way you will find out how, is talk to your spouse and break down those walls!

    Blessings to all…
    Todd

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      I agree that there can be too much emphasis on orgasm. But I will say that it’s easy for someone who’s had orgasms to say that, while the person who doesn’t have them obviously wants more emphasis on it. I don’t think orgasm is the ultimate goal as much as intimacy, but orgasm is one part of feeling that intense bonding. Thanks for your comment!

      And yes about the walls!

      Reply
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