Q&A with J: How Do I Express What I Want in Bed?

Last week, we talked some about difficulty reaching orgasm, and we’re back at it again today. But it’s a different issue with this wife, who needs some specific tips. Read on:

Do you have any tips for communicating with your husband during intercourse? Hubby and I have been married less than two years, and with most of that entailing some pretty serious physical issues, let’s just say orgasms for me have been hard to come by. We’re finally getting back on track, but still struggling with getting me “across the finish line.” I know we’re supposed to give our husbands in-the-moment feedback, but I literally can’t even figure out how to use words to describe what I want! And what words I can come up with, just the act of thinking and then speaking completely derails any momentum we had going, so end up either frustrated or bored trying to figure out how quickly I can wrap things up! I have tried guiding hubby’s hands but that ends up being more awkward and cumbersome than trying to speak! We talk outside of the bedroom, and I still have a hard time conveying specifically what I might want. And when I tell DH to try changing things up or experimenting a little, he seems to just go back to exactly what he’s used to doing! i love my husband dearly, but it’s like if I don’t give him point by point (by point by point by point) instructions he will always default to the same non-effective thing. Is it really completely my job to completely figure out and explain everything? (If you say yes I’ll believe you J 🙂 any tips for us?

Fessing up, I think communicating verbally during sex is one of the most awkward things I’ve done. Have you ever watched a lovemaking scene on-screen where someone said, “Hold on, I need you to move your hand a little to the left. Okay, there. Softer”? No. No, you have not. What do the scripts say? “I love you,” “You’re beautiful,” “You’re my soul mate,” etc.

And that’s all great. But sometimes you’re right in the throes of passion and intensity is building, and you know — just know — that if he could touch you differently, just a bit, you’d plunge into the orgasm pool with a great big aaaaah. So how do you help him know what brings you the greatest pleasure?

Let’s start with the last question this reader asked: Is it really completely my job to completely figure out and explain everything? No, it’s not. Ideally, you figure out together what works best for you. For instance, even though I’ve encouraged women to explore their own sexual organs to see what feels good so they can then translate that knowledge into the marriage bed, your hand and his hand feel different. So you still have some discovery to do together.

This is actually pretty cool, the way God designed sex. Rather than viewing it as an obstacle, it’s an opportunity take a guided tour of your spouse’s body and explore this amazing territory. What happens when I touch you like this? Do you like it when I kiss you here? How about here? What are your most sensitive places? How can I stir your sensuality and satisfy your senses? What can I do to take you over the edge?

So how do you do experiment and find out what works? Because that’s the first step. You can’t tell somehow what you like if you’ve had no experience with what you like. And it sounds like you two are doing this in the midst of making love. Maybe you need to step back, put intercourse on the back burner for a bit, and actually have a session of exploration, experimentation, and experience.

When you’re not focused on having intercourse or reaching an orgasm, you can slow down, take your time, and see what feels good. If you can swing it, it might be worth you stripping down but him leaving on his clothes, so that the focus is totally on you and your pleasure. Do this once, twice, or a few times, and it might be rather eye-opening for you both.

But even when you’re in the middle of exploration or foreplay, how do you know what you want? Do you really want more pressure or less? To be touched higher or lower? To have him go slower or faster? This is a mindfulness exercise for us women. We have to be very focused on what’s happening with our bodies. We have to mentally concentrate on the sensations we’re feeling and then think, What might feel even better?

It’s often very intentional at first. You purposefully set out to think about what you’re feeling, what might feel good, ask for that, then adjust — moment by moment, touch by touch. But it’s like learning anything else: after a while, you get better and know more quickly and intuitively what you like. Also, most husbands begin to read their wives better, recognizing certain kinds of tension in her body or sounds she’s making indicate greater pleasure.

But what words do you use? It depends somewhat on your own communication style. But, like you, I’ve found that forming words during lovemaking can be difficult at times. So I think a limited vocabulary can help in getting what you want. Keep it to single words and short phrases you can quickly get out and he can quickly respond to. Like softer, harder, faster, slower, up, down, deeper, etc.

Mind you, you might have to use opposite words in a row. Like if you say harder and he gets too rough, you’ll need to say softer to get him to back off little. By the way, hubbies, this is not a critique of your sexual performance. We’re actually more impressed with your lovemaking when you’re willing to listen to our suggestions and help us figure out how we can experience the most pleasure. Good lovers listen and learn.

Good lovers listen and learn. Click To Tweet

What about your momentum? Yeah, it’s interrupted. Once again … at first. When you start talking during lovemaking, it feels awkward and can disrupt your flow. But trust the process. Just because you’re playing scales now doesn’t mean you won’t be mastering Bach tomorrow. In fact, you have to play the scales first.

So let it be awkward. Even be playful about it. Faster, slower, there — yeah, baby [insert giggle here]. Feeling free enough to be a little off-kilter in the moment with your spouse increases intimacy. Because you’re sharing in this discovery, these private moments, and your eventual success.

One final thought: It’s okay to add yourself to this mix. I have encouraged wives to simply move his hand where you want it (hard to ignore that signal). But you can also put your own hand where you want to be touched and say here. Or even take over the direct stimulation, so that he can do something else that arouses you — and together, you bring yourself to climax. Not only is that okay, some husbands find it exciting to see their wives touch themselves. It shows them how into it she is.

I believe you can make this work and experience intimate lovemaking and amazing climaxes. May God bless your efforts!

12 thoughts on “Q&A with J: How Do I Express What I Want in Bed?

  1. Anonymous

    Yes, I’m with you reader on this! It’s soooo frustrating!!!! It always seems like a bother and takes so much time and some of that time is totally not working so I just move on to sex cause I feel bad for it taking too long. What I have come to realize is sometimes I do take over!! I get it atleast close enough for him to take over. Once you get close it doesn’t take much to more to get you there.
    A great position to try this is him on his back and you on your back on top of him. You have a clear angle to yourself. I’ve asked my husband if it bothers him that I take over sometimes and he’s fine with it. Plus if you haven’t gotten there with him then he’ll finally see and hear what it’s like when you do climax and it might put more of a goal for him. Also lube helps too! If your scared of asking just say during foreplay after a little bit “do you mind if I help you a little bit?” And start taking over, once your close move his hand in to finish. Also i have found right after sex is sometimes a good time to talk about awkward things. Because at that moment you feel the closetest and most open with each other. Good luck! Don’t give up!!

    Reply
  2. Libl

    My problem is I can tell him what I want, but he won’t do it. One time he even sternly said, “I’m not stupid, I know what I am doing.” Or, if he does do it, he does it half-baked, with noticeable displeasure, or not long enough. The only way I can orgasm when we have sex is if I pleasure myself.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      I’d probably answer, “Of course you’re not stupid, but you don’t own the equipment. I do, so I get to write the owner’s manual.” 😉

      Reply
  3. Todd

    This is a tough one for men to be honest. Most of us have giant egos, so ‘telling’ us what to do, especially in the moment of passion, is probably going to end well for either one. The key for me was three fold; I’m a people pleaser by nature so i made it a goal, to make my love making goal, to help her have the best experience ever. So I changed my focus. Secondly, during love making you have to be willing as a couple to try different things, and if you aren’t talkers, as some are, key off of body language, and sounds. i.e. good sounds = continue, she moves away or different sounds = try something else. Finally, men are better at discovering things themselves and women are great at letting us feel like we discovered something ourselves. Makes us heroes..hahaha, my point is give them a link this site or another, and let them read and discover what others are saying, or what others are doing. This way we aren’t being told but we can read something and go home and try it..and hopefully if your brave enough afterward, you can talk about these ‘new’ things you are trying.
    Just my two cents…
    Be blessed..

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      Ooh, I love getting insight from the male point of view. And may I say that when a wife orgasms, she usually does think of her husband as quite the hero! I’d put a cape and an S on my husband if that got the point across. 😉

      Reply
      1. TD

        I’m totally the opposite of the former Todd J… I love the direct, “tell me how you want it” approach! To my way of thinking, there’s just about NOTHING that is sexier to a man, than a confident, invested wife!!??
        It took literally decades for my wife to get there for the first time in her life!! She was just bound and determined that she wasn’t missing anything, and she was dead set on not fixing what to her, “wasn’t broke…”

        I never, ever saw her as “broke” but I can tell you joyfully, by the Grace of our amazing God, that she is so appreciative of my determination, and the results of loving her through the barriers.
        We’ve been married almost 26 years, are both 1 year from turning 50, and are absolutely having the best sex of our lives.

        All that to say, I encourage anyone who may be wondering if it’s even worth the frustration, to continue to grow together, and learn to laugh with each other!!!
        J has some fantastic posts about the awkward nature of sex, and when both of you can approach it in a manner of humor, and playfulness, it’s one of the most rewarding experiences I have ever been blessed enough to have.

        Good luck to the wife who posed the questions, and good for you for speaking up and admitting that you don’t have all of the answers!
        As long as you’re asking questions, you’re ahead of the majority, and your marriage will be blessed for doing so!

        TD

        Reply
  4. Mike

    I remembered a child’s game where an object would be hidden and one of the kids would try to find the object. When he was getting closer to the hidden object we would use a number system to say whether he was hot or cold. Close would be a 10, and farther away would be a one. I began to use that system with my wife. So, when we are making love I would tell my wife “that’s a 7.” When she would move closer to my sweet spot and do what was exceptional I would say, “that’s a 10.” When she would do something over the top I would say, “that’s a 15.” When it could get no better I would say, ” I am in LaLa land.” (That is the ultimate.) Not to much thinking and trying to figure out which words to use. My wife got really good at knowing what I liked and would go there quite often and almost every time. It is wonderful for me!! (My wife does not use the numbering system and I have to figure out what she likes by other means.)

    Reply
  5. PeterT

    My 3c worth, 🙂

    God created the female reproductive system wonderfully well, it has external and internal triggers, some obvious like nipples, breasts, outer vagina etc, but ohh soo many more that are not obvious.

    If the man slows down his testoterone for a bit, and thinks again with his big head, he’ll suddenly realise that if he focused on trying to find all the treasures God has built into his partner’s body, then his 5 minutes of the little brain controlling him, will end up with it being hours of making sure she has been satisfied, totally!!!

    Girls, guys are simple visual beings, so use imagery/spoken words BEFORE the time of passion, and let his mind play out the scenario you’ve just placed there….

    eg. Praise him bigly for having the biggest fastest hotrod, but he’s taking it on a windy, curvy road gymkana, where the prize is getting to all the checkpoints on the way, before he gets the glory of the trophy for having the biggest baddest hotrod. Miss a checkpoint, miss out on a prize, or have to backtrack to the checkpoint before proceeding.

    If you’re trying to tell him deep intimate sweet talk, AFTERWARDS, he will already be thinking about why his motorbike won’t start, having to mow the lawns, etc, and it will just bounce off.

    Reply
  6. Jack

    Tangent (but a useful one, I hope): there’s a ton of wisdom in your post, but in cases where sex is infrequent and/or unpredictable, the higher desire partner can feel intense pressure to check their boxes (especially, to move with certainty and possibly speed to an orgasm) because they’re not sure when (or sometimes even if) they’ll get another chance.

    This is just another part of the unproductive cycle we can so easily and so often get ourselves locked into together. 🙁

    We are trying to resurrect sex in our marriage and I’m specifically trying to pry myself free from attachments to specific goals and outcomes and just let love and affection flow between us, but dang, it’s hard!!! 😐 Worth the effort, but very hard…

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

 characters available