Daily Archives: April 6, 2017

Q&A with J: How Do I Get My Husband to Do What Turns Me On?

I often talk about telling or showing your husband what you enjoy in bed, so that he can arouse and satisfy you. But sometimes, that doesn’t work. Today’s question gets at that issue.

How do I get my husband to be more attentive to my sexual wishes? I have placed his hands where I want him to touch me but he just pushes my hands away. I have told him to kiss my breasts but it worked only one time. I would like my husband to French kiss me, kiss my neck, and touch other areas of my body during sex. How do I tell him, so that he understands, that it’s a turn-on?

Q&A with J How Do I Get My Husband to Do What Turns Me On + light switch

My initial reaction was: C’mon, dude. What’s up with you? Give your woman a great time in bed! But then I snapped out of that and remembered the person who has to convince him is his wife. But if you had that same reaction, just know that I did too. 😉

So what can the wife do? She’s tried subtly moving his hands and verbally requesting what would feel good, but not only does he not listen, “he just pushes my hands away.”

Talk outside the bedroom.

In the midst of sexual initiation or activity, neither of you is likely thinking as clearly and calmly as you would at an alternate location and time. Remove some of the pressure and bring up the subject when you can have a real conversation.

Here’s the post I suggest reading for specifics on how to have that conversation: How to Talk about Sexual Problems with Your Spouse. Quickly though, I’ll give these tips:

  • Choose a neutral location. That could be your dining table or on a walk in your neighborhood; whatever works.
  • Make sure it’s an opportune time to talk. So not at the end of a long, hard day or when he’s trying to watch the game.
  • Be willing to talk shoulder-to-shoulder. Generally speaking, women prefer face-to-face communication, but men prefer speaking about difficult topics without eye contact.
  • Ask questions. Avoid the temptation to spill everything about how you feel and instead ask about what’s going on with him. Like what was he thinking when he moved your hands? Or when you request something in particular?
  • Explain what you’d like your sexual intimacy to look like. Avoid rehashing the issues of the past and take a future focus. Talk about what you’d like for your sexual intimacy to become (e.g., mutually satisfying).

Explain how your body works.

Most men start out believing that our sexual response is like theirs (and that’s what experts erroneously said for too long). Women tend to need more time to get aroused. They also get aroused being touched all over, not just the sexual parts. I’ve shared this before, but since men are perhaps less likely to read a blog post like this, maybe he’d watch a funny video.

Return the favor.

If you want him to listen to what turns you on, be willing to ask what turns him on. Set the example. Demonstrate with your approach, your questions, and your conversation that you believe sexual intimacy should arouse and satisfy you both.

Listen carefully for suggestions you could implement. (If he suggests you’re not sure about, see what I have to say about that here.) If he tells you something you’re not doing but could do, follow through.

You could even come back later and check with him on how he liked it. That positively reinforces listening to one another, and he might see through experience that it’s a good idea to share longings with one another and then meet your spouse’s desires too.

Reinforce positive changes.

Speaking of reinforcement, if he does something you wanted, let him know how great that was! Even if his execution wasn’t perfect, reward steps in the direction with gratitude and encouragement. For heaven’s sake, tell him he’s your personal superhero if that gets the point across! I’m not saying to lie, just recognize progress.

You like being affirmed when you do something good, right? Do the same for him.

Take action in the moment.

What if it all fails? What if he refuses to cooperate with the conversation or dismisses your desires? What if he keeps doing his thing and even pushing you away when you suggest something different?

Hey, I’ve been writing about sex in marriage long enough to know some spouses just don’t respond to reasonable efforts to nurture mutual satisfaction. Expend every avenue before you go here — like initiate the conversation in different ways and different times — but at some point, you can’t keep rewarding behavior that is selfish and, frankly, rude.

That’s when you need to take action in the moment. He pushes your hand away? Stop what you’re doing, get his attention, and speak up: “I really want to make love to you, but I need you to respond to what I’m telling you about making this good for me too.” Even move his hand back where you want it, more than once, until he gets the message. If you stop in the middle of what’s really turning him on to let him know you need to be aroused too, he’ll be frustrated…but he’ll also learn he can’t keep going without considering his wife’s pleasure.

I’m not advocating being rude about it, but rather firm. Make it clear your pleasure matters too.

Let’s hope he gets the message well before that. Most husbands I hear from really do want to arouse and satisfy their wives. They might just get wrapped up in the moment with what feels good to them or don’t really understand how women’s pleasure works. I’m praying you can teach him. Because the best lovers are the ones who respond to their spouse’s deepest longings and pursue their pleasure.

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