Q&A with J: “I Want to Find a Wife Who Can Fulfill My Sexual Needs”

Today’s question is from a young, single man who is wondering about the sexual intimacy he’ll one day have in marriage. His query is filled with issues I want to address, so let’s get started.

I struggle with guilt about wanting regular sex in my future marriage. My sex drive is unfortunately very high to the point where I crave intimacy on a daily basis. I am hoping that if I get married one day, that I will end up married to a wonderful Christian lady who has a higher sex drive like mine and would want it on a daily basis, or at least something close to that like 1-4 days a week (ideally everyday, I REALLY want it everyday). I know there are women out there who would want it on a daily basis, but they seem to be unfortunately very rare as men generally crave sex more than women. I could ask God for someone who would want sex on a daily basis, and I often do, but I kind of feel like why should I expect to get that lucky, considering that most guys don’t? I really want someone who can adequately fulfill my needs. I don’t want to spend a vast majority of my marriage masturbating, I want to be having sex with her. I already masturbate everyday just to get my arousal out, but I still want sex with a real woman and feel that it would be much more fulfilling. Again, when and if I’m married, I want to end up having sex with my wife more often than I masturbate, but I’m afraid that cannot happen. Sometimes I get in really bad moods at the thought of not getting enough sex in my future marriage. I feel that maybe it is due to a porn addiction that I have been (unsuccessfully) trying to quit on and off for two years. I was hoping that marital sex could help me to stop looking at porn. I could use help in that area too. I need help. I’m desperate. Any counsel you could give, regarding what I have written here, would be greatly appreciated. I just ask that you be gentle and understanding about it. Thank you for your time and God bless!

Blog post title + with smiling couple in bed (illustration)

I will certainly aim for “gentle and understanding,” which I try to do on most Q&A days, but sometimes I “tell it like it is.” And as I read your question, I couldn’t help but think that you’ve been sold some malarkey. Believe me, you’re not the only one. But I’d like to correct a few beliefs here, which should give you more hope.

“I struggle with guilt about wanting regular sex in my future marriage.” Of course you should want regular sex in your future marriage. It’s sad to me that there are Christians who feel guilty about having what God wants them to experience in marriage; yet I know it happens.

Unfortunately, sex is sometimes mentioned in the Church, if it’s spoken of at all, only when it involves remaining abstinent outside of marriage and not sexually sinning (like adultery or porn). We leave the impression that sex itself is a problem, rather than Satan’s attempts to twist sex into something God didn’t intend it to be.

Let me be clear: God wants you to have regular sex in your marriage.

Let me be clear: God wants you to have regular sex in your marriage. Click To Tweet

1 Corinthians 7:3-5 says:

The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (NLT)

And He made sure that there’s an entire book in the Bible devoted to marital, sexual love. It’s called Song of Solomon. God is sex-positive! So please don’t feel guilty for wanting to experience the gift He desires you and your wife to someday have. Of course, what He wants right now is that wait for marriage.

I know there are women out there who would want it on a daily basis, but they seem to be unfortunately very rare as men generally crave sex more than women.” Actually, high-drive wives are more common than you think. I don’t know exactly what the numbers are (though I’m researching), but I’ve heard estimates that in 15% to 30% of marriages it’s the wife who has the higher libido. Given my email inbox and comments on this blog, I tend to believe that’s about right. And that doesn’t account for marriages in which the husband has the greater sex drive, but the wife is highly responsive.

I’m not saying that couples don’t have sexual frequency conflicts; plenty do. However, we’re primed by our culture to believe that husbands always want sex and women rarely do. And it’s just not true. So let’s replace the phrase “very rare” with the reality that a majority of husbands desire more frequent sexual intimacy than their wives, but a fair percentage of wives desire more sex and many other wives are certainly willing.

“I really want someone who can adequately fulfill my needs.” Are you equally concerned about meeting her needs? What’s good for the gander is good for the goose, eh? Marriages thrive when you are both concerned about meeting each other’s perceived needs — whether that’s sex, affection, respect, conversation, emotional security, etc. If you want to find Mrs. Right, your focus should be on becoming Mr. Right.

If you want to find Mrs. Right, your focus should be on becoming Mr. Right. Click To Tweet

Also, it’s really hard right now not to view your sex drive as physical tension that demands release. But if you say to your wife, “I want you to meet my sexual needs,” you’re honestly treating her like a means to an end. As I say all the time, your spouse is not your sex toy. She isn’t there to just satisfy your sexual craving. What God wants instead is for you both to pursue intimacy through sexual connection. When you’re both focused on meeting one another’s needs and becoming closer through the exchange of pleasure, that‘s when the sex gets really good.

I already masturbate everyday just to get my arousal out…” I hear ya, but you’re probably making things worse. I don’t believe masturbation is inherently wrong, but it’s unwise to stoke your sexual desire day after day with self-satisfaction. For one thing, the average refractory period for men (time they can easily go between orgasms) is about 72 hours. But if you’re ejaculating daily, your body adapts to anticipating daily release. So you’re basically making your body even more sex-needy.

Also, masturbation involves a feedback loop that you cannot get in marital lovemaking. You are both pleasuring yourself and feeling the pleasure, so you can quickly make adjustments that bring you to climax quickly. Some frequent masturbators then find that having sex with a woman is frustrating, because it takes longer to reach orgasm. Men who masturbate with porn can find that they actually cannot orgasm with intercourse, because their body has been so primed to the hand job.

You really should decrease your self-satisfaction, so you can keep your body’s sexual energy aimed at the ultimate goal — beautiful lovemaking with your someday wife. I have talked about options for when you cannot have sex with Sexual Release Without Sinfulness and What To Do with Sexual Desire Before Marriage.

“I feel that maybe it is due to a porn addiction that I have been (unsuccessfully) trying to quit on and off for two years.” That surely contributes. And to be fair, why should a woman enter marriage with a man who cannot beat this habit? Look, my heart is filled with compassion for men who struggle with this terrible temptation. It’s everywhere, and Satan knows exactly how to target men. (He’s got other ways of targeting us women too.) I’m thrilled you want to quit porn. Thank God you see that it’s both a sin and a terrible habit that can affect your marriage. That’s a terrific first step!

But I wonder what “trying to quit” means to you. Have you taken concrete steps? Installed porn-blocking software? Told a mentor or your pastor about your struggle? Found an accountability partner? Visited the XXXChurch or Fight the New Drug websites for resources on how to successfully quit? Many men have tried to quit on their own and haven’t. Those who succeed set goals, enlist help, and follow through. Believe me, God is on your side on this one — 100%.

“I was hoping that marital sex could help me to stop looking at porn.” While it may help, plenty of married men having regular sex still look at porn. Being happily married is indeed one factor that helps men stay away from porn. According to the General Social Survey of 2000, conducted by the University of Chicago, happily married men were 61% less likely to look at porn. However, in a 2014 survey by The Barna Group, 55% of married men reported watching porn at least once a month, compared to 70% of single men. (See Covenant Eyes Porn Data.) You need to make the decision ahead of time to quit porn. Because while being married can help, it’s no guarantee.

And as gently as I can say this: If a woman contacted me and said she was thinking about marrying a man who’d had a porn addiction for two years and couldn’t seem to quit, I’d tell her to hold off. Neither of you needs that baggage in your marriage. Because porn really can hurt your sex life. But take heart: You can gain victory. Others have done it, and you can too.

What I really want you to walk away with is an understanding that:

  • God wants you to experience amazing lovemaking in your marriage. Sex was His idea, and He knows its best context is marriage. But it is His generous gift to you and your future wife.
  • Great sex awaits you. And it’s not about sexually compatible sex drives, but rather both of you understanding that it sex is a priority and it is worth the effort in your marriage.
  • The best way to make sure you attract a godly, sexy wife is to work on yourself. So focus on sex as a future intimacy-builder and a way to give something beautiful to your wife, not just to meet your needs. And take specific steps to rid your life of porn, so that it won’t damage your future marriage.

What other tips do my readers have? What would you tell singles desiring to have wonderful sexual intimacy in their future marriage?

47 thoughts on “Q&A with J: “I Want to Find a Wife Who Can Fulfill My Sexual Needs”

  1. Kay

    Not a tip, exactly, but just one more realty check. A woman’s sexual drive varies throughout her lifetime; heck, it varies throughout the MONTH! He may find a high drive woman, but perhaps during pregnancy she is horrendously sick and cannot stomach the thought of sex–or she could be put on bedrest and NOT BE ALLOWED to have sex. High drive isn’t the issue; he needs to hopefully find a woman who has a healthy view of married sexuality (heck, HE needs a healthy view too) that will make sexual intimacy a priority even when life gets tough. I hope he will have the grace and maturity to navigate life’s different seasons by the time he gets married or he is going to make a very poor husband indeed.

    Like you, J, I’m also deeply concerned by the level of selfishness this writer exhibits, with absolutely no consideration of his future wife’s needs. But to be fair, I think it is harder when your future spouse is just some vague “some person out there somewhere” and it totally different when she is standing in front of you. For example, my husband was just starting to dabble in porn in college but his dad caught him and told him he was cheating his future wife. He didn’t really care much… until he met me several weeks later and knew pretty quickly I was the one. Now he had to say, “I am sinning against Kay.” Totally different when he knew precisely who he was hurting. Thankfully he never got pulled in as a result! So hopefully meeting just the right woman will help this young man to grow up a bit and learn that a Christ-like marriage is more about what you can GIVE, not what you can get.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      Great points! And I’m glad you covered the issue of the varying sex drive. I thought about that, but sorta ran out of room. And besides, I think you did it better than I would have. 🙂

      Reply
  2. purposeful

    I’m getting married in couple of months, so I think I kinda understand where this man is coming from. I’m also curious and anxious about what my future sex life with my husband would be like. But my biggest misconception was that sex was THE main part of a marriage – as I feel the man asking the question might also think. Of course it is a part, and a wonderful part, I believe. But that’s what it is: a part. There are other parts, numerous others. From what I see in my parents’ marriage, marriage life is an incredibly, beautifully complex ordinary life. I thought too much – and too highly – about sex, and I failed to prepare myself for those many other parts that, together with sex, form a marriage. God does dedicate a special book in the bible about sexual intimacy in marriage life, but it’s just one book, and a short one. I kinda feel that this brother is being too concerned about sex and neglecting himself as a person, which is projected in his wanting to find a wife that will satisfy him, not a woman who is whole as a person. I was there too. Until God gave me understanding that I was made for Him, not for someone on earth; and that my fiancee was made for Him too, not for me. The Truth set me free. Anyway J, your answer is wise and real. You got me at “Are you equally concerned about meeting her needs? . . Marriages thrive when you are both concerned about meeting each other’s perceived needs.” Thank you for this!

    Reply
  3. Tom

    While I agree with everything you said, I think an important undercurrent of this fellow’s message can’t be ignored. As a Christian man, with a strong (i.e. normal) sex drive, you have one chance to get it right. Choose poorly, and you’re in for years, decades, potentially a lifetime of frustration. And the real kicker is that you can’t “test the waters”, at least not without sinning. Or even worse, you do test the waters, things are great, and then her sex drive dries up immediately after the wedding (ask me how I know).

    On another note… While I’m sure there are high-drive wives out there, from all the anecdotal evidence I’ve read and heard from friends and acquaintances, they are the exception not the rule. There’s a reason stereotypes exist – they have a kernel of truth to them. While I’m sure J, you see evidence of lots of higher drive women through your blog, there’s also the issue of self-selection bias. Low drive wives aren’t searching out blogs on how to improve your sex life; due to being the low drive spouse, they’re already in the driver’s seat and already have the sex life they want.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      First, I agree that you have one shot. But there’s a lot you can do to tilt the odds toward you. Getting healthy yourself is a first step for being the right choice for a healthy spouse; premarital counseling has been shown to have a positive effect on marriages; talking about your sexpectations, specifically how you view the role of sex in marriage, before you tie the knot can give you a sense of what you’re in for. As for “testing out the waters,” some wives actually end up shutting down later in marriage in part because they resent their husbands for not protecting their virginity. Maybe that sounds unfair, but those feelings are rarely at a conscious level; they emerge later when she tries to figure out why she isn’t as interested now.

      As for higher drive wives, those aren’t my numbers. I’m not going by my inbox alone. Yes, the stereotype is true in that it’s perhaps 70% or more of marriages that have a higher-drive wife, but it’s not 99% of marriages. I suspect it’s at least 15% of marriages in which the wife is higher-drive. The anecdotes you hear are not good measurements, because low-drive husbands and high-drive wives rarely share in public their issues; men typically feel that they will be viewed as less masculine, and women feel that they will be viewed as nymphos. The best information comes from anonymous sources, where spouses will be more honest about their situation.

      Reply
    2. Marta

      And from all of the wives whom I have spoken to, their fellas became complacent about romance, foreplay, and emotional intimacy after the “I do”. For women, and research backs this up, sex is mostly psychological. When we feel cared for, loved, desired, appreciated we desire sex more. You have to plant the seed of desire, before you can reap the fruit of sexual intimacy. Kiss your wife passionately before you go your separate ways in the morning, call or text her to tell her how sexy she is to you and how badly you want her, help her with running the house and taking care of the kids, send her out to be with her friends, rub her feet, make her a candlelit dinner. Treat her like you did when you were dating. (By you I mean the collective you, not you specifically) My husband calls me his “lifelong girlfriend”, and he treats me that way. Trust me it’s very effective.

      Reply
      1. Mike

        Yep, all good things. And I have put my effort in. But I am in no way perfect and I know my frustration has shown through more than enough. My wife is an RN and works hard hours. One thing she likes and I enjoy giving her are foot rubs and back rubs. Years ago they could lead to other things more intimate. But as I said before she told me we, she is too old and we should just accept that now. She thinks I m obsessed but is a drowning man obsessed with air. Is a starving person on a desert island obsessed with food? I am not obsessed and I have lost hope in everything but the small light of faith I hold onto.

        Reply
        1. J

          As a low-drive spouse I struggle to understand where we have gained the mind set that the low-drive spouse determines how often a married couple have sex. We are told not to ‘defraud one another’. Surely the low-drive spouse should be prepared to make the same kind of sacrifices they expect the high-drive spouse to make.

          Reply
  4. Anonymous

    I’d just like to echo that sexual temptation doesn’t go away with marriage, though I’m sure that’s a relatively common misconception – one I fell prey to before marriage. I thought that marriage/sex would cure my husband’s temptation – if only I was good enough, sexy enough, adventurous enough, or had sex enough. Nothing could be further from the truth. A husband’s temptation to look at other women (in porn or real life) – and his reaction to that temptation – is HIS responsibility, not his wife’s. If a husband is looking at other women, pixilated or not, that isn’t his wife’s fault for not having a high enough sex drive – it’s his own sinful lack of self-control and covenant-keeping integrity. I know this reader asked for gentleness, but I agree that he is certainly deceived if he believes that marriage will cure his porn addiction. That is a lie that too many men buy into to justify their pre-marital porn habit, and too many women feel that they must not be good enough because if they were, their husbands wouldn’t be looking at other women. It’s not fair to a woman to expect that she will fill your every desire and keep you from looking at porn. You need to learn NOW to be self-controlled, because getting married will not automatically grant you the self-control that life WILL require if you are to remain faithful to your wife. J gives great advice here for specific tools you can implement in your fight against pornography addiction and temptation.

    Reply
  5. alchemsit

    This letter just made me think of a post from future marriage university. The title is something like if you just want sex, please don’t get married.

    This man does not seem to be anywhere near mature enough to get married. Marriage is not just about sex. You also shouldn’t approach marriage with the though that your spouse will fix you. It likely won’t work and you are looking for all the wrong things. It will likely lead to disaster and heartache.

    What this young man should be doing is quitting porn. Like J said, masturbating daily probably isn’t helping. But getting married to an addict is a terrible idea. Your wife won’t fix you, marriage won’t fix you and if you keep this long enough you probably will lose the ability to get and keep an erection with a real woman. Not to mention all the heartbreak, insecurity and anguish you will cause your wife when she finds you watching porn when you get stressed or life gets tough. (Sometimes being in love will temporarily mask the porn problem. But if you don’t deal with the underlying issue, it will come back as soon as a life stressor hits you). You are also programming your brain with all sorts of rubbish concerning sexuality. Porn is 100% fake and dangerous. You really need to focus your energy on getting rid of it. The complete self-focus in this letter is probably a result of this porn programming.

    On a different note. You might think you want daily sex now. My husband thought he wanted it daily when we were dating. That’s because he was abstinent and we were in love. After a few weeks of marriage he settled down and is perfectly fine with 3x a week. We’ve tried every day for a week or so, he has a hard time keeping up. Plus, life gets busy. I may actually have the higher drive. He’s also a bit older (turning 40 next year) and he’s said his drive have slowed down a lot. So it probably won’t always be driving you crazy.

    Certainly, look for a godly wife with healthy attitudes towards marriage and sexuality. You probably don’t want a wife that thinks sex is dirty, nasty, an unavoidable part of conceiving children, or a bargaining chip But you won’t attract a healthy, whole, Christ-loving wife with healthy views of sex if you don’t work on getting healthy yourself.

    So my tips would be to 1) really make a serious effort to get rid of the porn. Like cutting off your right hand type of effort (not literally. But be willing to take drastic measures).
    2) Find a hobby or something that you can channel some of your sexual energy into.
    3) Exercise
    4) Really involved cognitive processes, like doing calculus or reading difficult papers or philosophy books tend to suppress my drive pretty effectively. At least while I’m doing it.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      Some good tips. And you’re right: I hear from older husbands whose drive has slowed enough that they still greatly enjoy sex with their wives, but it’s not quite the constant pest it seemed to be when they were younger. So it won’t always be like this.

      Reply
  6. dca

    Sorry for a long post, cause this is long. I have tried to post my story on other blogs and they never seem to accept it. If you dont want to post the comment if you can, please write to my why so i know if i am offending someone or doing something wrong.
    I also really hope that the young man who wrote this will see this.
    I will try to tell my story so he can see how wrong it can go with the mindset and struggles he has now. I always wanted to get married and part of why was to have sex. I am also burdened with a high sex drive. For me its a curse. Something that weighs me down everyday. Just like it seems to be for you(talking to the young man right now). I dont know if you are familiar with Lord of the Ring but if you are then i would compare my sexuality with the ring. Frodo hated the ring but also loved it. And thats how it was and is for me. I hate my sex drive and would like to cast it into the Mountain of Doom but at the same time i want to keep it and enjoy it. The thing is that sex (sadly?) isnt the most important part of marriage. Somehow it becomes that because we are not allowed to have sex before we get married so we just want that. BEcause lets face it. We are allowed to everything else: communicate on a deep level, be romantic, do fun things together but we cant have sex so when we think about marriage the first think many of us (not all) think is sex. And we want it so much. But again, sex is important but its not all that marriage is about and if you have this way of thinking right now you can easily go into a marriage for the wrong reasons. Thats what i did sadly. I wanted to live pure and holy for my marriage and i prayed and waited for the One. And to be honest, it wasnt just for the sex, i wanted someone to serve God with. Sadly i lived in a small village in my country and there werent any girls in my age. Then suddenly a girl moved there , we started to know each other and she was very physical if i may say so. She kissed me, she took my hand and led it to touch her body and i am sad to say that i didnt control myself. We started to date, and altough i doubted much about my feelings it felt so good when we touched each other. The relationship went on and we went further and further. She taught me things she knew from previous relationships (she had only been a christian for a few years, i had been it for many years), and because i didnt control myself we ended up doing everything but.. With my guilt and shame i fell back into a porn addiction i had been free from for some time and so i got into it more and more. I should have broken it all of but i was too afraid. So it continued. She pressured me for us to get married and i was afraid to say no so we got engaged and we tried to not do the bad things and wait for our wedding day. I was still hooked on porn because i didnt want to get married but i was to afraid to break it of because of family and friends and the pressure around me. Many thought she was Gods answer for me. I should have broken it all of but i was thinking like you: When we get married i will quit porn. I wont need it anymore. The guilt will be gone and you know what? It helped… the first few months. After that the temptations came and continued. One reason but absolutely not the only reason but one reason was that she wasnt interested in sex anymore. She said that i wasnt as romantic as before , altough i dont think i was romantic before because i had a lot of doubts about the relatinship. She knew but was sure that i was Gods answer for her. I guess she was tired that everything was about sex for me wich i believe was because of my porn addiction but also as i said before because sex had been the dream, the only reason to live on this planet, the only reason Jesus had to wait to come to earth. So less sex may have been a reason but i believe the main reason was that i hadnt taken care of it before. I confessed to her sometimes but i still couldnt quit. I didnt feel good in my marriage because i had gotten married for all the wrong purposes and i think that was a bigger reason, the anxiety and pressure. I cant say for sure but i think it was one reason. . She wasnt the spiritual person i first had wanted and because of my sexual desires (and my cowardness) i was in a marriage i didnt want to. Some months in our relationship i got burned out, specially spiritualy and thats when my porn addiction took over my life. And now after some years i am still stuck. I havent confessed it to her much because i am afraid that she will divorce me. She says that porn addiction is a reason for divorce and i agree with her and the only reason i dont want to confess so she leaves me(wich would be best for her) is for the sake of my children. I dont want them to suffer. Well its not the only reason, i must say that i do love her and dont want to lose her either. I do sometimes regret getting married but not because she is a bad person or something but mostly because i wanted someone who would be passionate about Jesus as i was, who wanted to burn for Jesus but i didnt wait for that and now i have lost my passion for Jesus. Anyways what has helped me to really take the battle serious after so many years has been coming back to the Lord, little by little altough i fail Him constantly but also because she has wanted to have more sex. When she suddenly wanted more sex i couldnt perform like before. and it made me realise i could almost only be turned on by porn and ejaculate by masturbating. The first time she noticed i felt so devastated and i decided that i have to be free from this. That was some months ago. Have i made progress? Well yeah a little , if i compare with how it was before but i still have a long way to go. So what do i want to say with this?
    1. Dont focus so much on sex. I know its hard to and i dont have a great answer to how to do this. All i can say is try to focus on Jesus. Pray to Him to be passionate about Him. Pray that He will help you find someone who also is passionate for Him. Whose main goal isnt to live for yourself but for Him. If you do that sex wont matter so much. What will matter to you will be, is this woman ready to go all the way with Jesus with me? I sadly turned a girl like that down while i was with my wife(before we got married). She wanted to have Bible studies with me and that really touched my heart and i still feel the ache of not taking the chance to be with this girl(she was in a kind of sort of long distance relationship so thats why i didnt tell her how i felt). I dont want to say bad things about my spouse but she wasnt like that and sadly i was thinking with my penis instead of my spirit. So focus on Jesus and to live for Him.
    2. You must let the porn addiction and masturbation go. I know J has said it but i want you to hear from someone who is struggling with this. Marriage wont help you with your addiction. You will fall into it again. Its not the lack of sex thats the problem but how you handle your sex drive. I know its not easy to hear this because i struggle with it too. As i said before, its like the ring. Its just a burden to have a high sex drive like this but you have to find someway to be free from this before you get married. I dont know where you live but if you live in USA you have all the possiblities. J mentioned that she didnt think it was enough to try because there are a lot of resources and i agree with her, if you live in the States. I live in a country where secularism rules. In this country the churches dont care about God. I have told my pastor about my sin and she said she would pray for me. What more could she do? She is a virgin woman. The elders dont care because people dont want to talk about sin and hell. There are few christian therapists here, there isnt even any christian marriage blogs in my language because sadly marriage isnt a priority in the churches in this country. I have no friends, no mens groups to go to and the peolpe i have confessed this to dont help much. I am alone in this. There are resources on the internet but they dont help me but i still have to fight. I have a filter thats what i have but it barely helps sometimes but i have to fight. And so do you my friend. If you live in the states find help. If you have to move, move! If you need to find a church who preached about this and helps peolpe to get delivered go to that church. The first time i got free before i met my wife i was in another country that is seeing a revival and in this deomon of lust was driven out of me. I dont know if you believe in this and i had never experienced anything like that but i really had an experience where a demon left me. It may sound weird but for me it was a start to be free. If you dont believe it find therapy, go to counseling, do everything you can before you get married. Please! It may sound stupid but i beg you, i know the suffering that comes from not having to deal with this before. I wasnt strong enough to say no to my wifes pressure about getting married altough i knew i struggled with this and had the intentions to deal with it first but you have a chance. Please take it. Please find forgiveness, deliverance and healing in this area first and then get married!! Because marriage aint gonna help you my friend. And as many have said. The focus in marriage isnt you, its your spouse. Dont look for someone to fulfill your needs because Jesus is the only one who can do that for you. What you should find is someone you are willing to give everything for. Who you will want to serve in everyway possible. Thats what you need to be looking for. Not someone to fulfill your needs but a person to whom you can give all your love so you can fulfill her needs. Thats what you need to start looking for my friend.

    im sorry for this long post J but i really hope this can help this young man and someone else.
    God bless you!

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      Thank you for sharing your story with such honesty. You’ve had a difficult road. I certainly believe that you can find freedom and healing. There are online accountability groups through X3 Groups, which can be helpful for those who don’t have local resources to fight against a porn habit.

      I suspect that you also have some resentment toward your wife, which you’ll somehow need to work through and get past. Whatever mistakes came before, God wants to be present in your marriage now. Embrace that fact and build from here. Many blessings, my friend!

      Reply
      1. dca

        Thank you and thank you for posting my comment. I hope this young man will understand and learn Tove Mr Right so that he can find Mrs Right.

        Thank you I will look it up.
        Hadn’t thought about it but yes I do have a lot of resentment. Mostly against me for being stupid. Hate myself everyday for not being as spiritual as before and for not being strong enough to say no before. Thank you God bless you!

        Reply
    2. E

      Thank you for sharing your story, and well done for trying so hard to have a godly marriage in trying circumstances. Praying that you and your wife find freedom and happiness in your marriage, in this lifetime.

      Reply
  7. Wayne

    This is my first comment on this site, so let me say, I appreciate and frequently enjoy your insights. And allow me to give a sympathetic, older man’s point of view, as it sounds like his experience is very similar to mine at his age.

    I would say, don’t underestimate the help God can provide en route to finding your future wife, a beautiful woman inside and out, I’m sure. I’ve seen it in my own life. And I went through such a long, frustrated, single period that I doubted marriage could even happen to me. I became a Christian at 23, and not a committed one for many years after that, which slowed my progress, but that’s a whole ‘nother testimony.

    My “help along the way” story (shortened version) happened like this. During my college years I became friends with a younger co-ed housemate, a real looker of a young woman who everybody loved and for good reason. One morning, I was getting off a night shift, and she gave me a quick hug, a look, and a sassy-friendly comment I’ve never forgotten. It was pure fantasy fulfillment, without one improper thing happening between us, then or ever…I don’t know how to put it without boring others with detail meaningful only to me. But that was God.
    I have now been married 23 years, and we have weathered more hard times than I can count. But it is a GREAT marriage. God put us and kept us together. Our sex life? My wife often repeats that same sassy-friendly-sexy phrase to me, from that long ago college friend, because she knows I love hearing it. That’s God.
    It can happen to you. I believe it will, young brother.
    As for porn, I know help is available, but I can’t speak to that directly. I didn’t grow up with it as so many do today, and I cannot claim deliverance from something I have limited experience with. But I understand the male struggles with it – being male myself.
    By the way, I appreciate what you said about masturbation, not easy I’m sure, as a woman talking to a young man. It’s refreshing, because Christians have debated it ad nauseam. I concur: do it if you can’t stand the tension anymore, but don’t OVER-do it. That’s how I would put it.
    Well done, J. And hang in there, young man.
    All the best.

    Reply
  8. Mike

    My primary advice to this brother is found in 2 Corinthians 10:5 “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”
    You are not married yet, it’s ok to be thinking about what a sexual relationship with your future wife might be like, but it sounds like sex has become an all consuming thought process. You HAVE to start taking these thoughts captive as it says in the verse above. That means, when these thoughts come into your mind, you need to divert your thought process away from them. For a great talk about “Thinking”, James McDonald has an awesome study out there on this.
    https://store.jamesmacdonald.com/p-3349-think-differently-bible-study.aspx
    Coming from a fellow male who’s been married 20 years, I too LOVE sex. I couldn’t wait for my wedding night. In fact, I prayed to the Lord not to come back again before our wedding night. My wife is a “medium drive” wife and I’m a “high drive” husband. Your selection of a wife shouldn’t be wholly based on the drive level of your wife. It’s definitely something that should be discussed in premarital counseling. Find a wife first who loves God, then loves you for who you are and shares your like interests. You’ll need to have other like interests other than sex. As others have said, sex will be just one part. There will be other significant parts of the marriage that you’ll need to share like interests on, one of those being children.

    There will be different seasons of your sex life in marriage. When children come along, she will not be so interested. She will most likely be overwhelmed at first and sex will be the LAST thing on her mind. But there will come about other great sexual “seasons”. Like the one where my wife read somewhere about the 30 day sex challenge. That is, to have sex everyday for 30 days. We only made it 19 days and I had trouble getting it up after that. But it gave us a dose of reality. We’ve also had some great weekends away where we did it 9 times over the course of 3 days. But there will be seasons where you’ll be having sex maybe twice a month as well. That my friend, is the harsh reality.

    I caution you against the porn usage. This can be very damaging to your sex married sex life. Let’s face it, they do some pretty intense stuff in porn. It shows guys literally having intercourse for an average of 20 minutes before he comes. They also portray a lot of unrealistic situations for having sex that just aren’t reality in a normal married sex life. Your brain can rewire itself to expect these things. Your wife will most likely not be able to live up to these expectations. Once again, take these thoughts captive when you’re tempted to turn on the porn!

    I’ll be praying for you!

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      Great advice! Thank you for your thoughts.

      And I don’t usually approve comments with a link to something else I haven’t thoroughly vetted, but I listened to James MacDonald’s podcast for years, so he’s on my through-list. I appreciate his biblical grounding.

      Reply
  9. Happily Married

    I think in some ways marriage makes the struggle with porn worse. Because now you’re hurting more than just yourself when you struggle. For most wives it’s extremely painful to walk through a porn addiction with their husbands. You have the pull from your wife but you still carry the pull from porn that doesn’t *poof* disappear once you’re married because physical release isn’t all you’re seeking when you watch porn. So ultimately it’s about finding your satisfaction, healing, security and comfort in the Lord, not sex. And until that happens nothing (including more porn or marriage with a high drive wife or more masturbating) is going to fix it. As a wife who knows from her husbands experience, take time to get serious about your struggles and your walk with the Lord. Do whatever it takes to get through this! It is 100% worth it on the other side!! And it’s way better than what the world offers. Then get married with the purpose of serving, pleasuring and loving your wife. And remember that yes, sex is a great part, but it’s not the end-all goal of marriage. The best part about sex is the bond, relationship and oneness you have with your spouse and knowing that God is glorified​ in your marriage. The “happy endings” are an awesome gift from God to be enjoyed but its only the tip of the iceberg that just gets better with time as you seek and serve the Lord… 🙂

    Reply
  10. Tom Hillson

    J writes: “[porn] is everywhere, and Satan knows exactly how to target men. (He’s got other ways of targeting us women too.) I’m thrilled you want to quit porn. Thank God you see that it’s … a sin”. How does Satan target women? And what do women do regularly that Christians call out frequently as sin?

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      That’s a whole other post. I can answer that another time, but I simply wanted to make the point that while some women (stats are now saying about 20%) view porn, that’s not really our biggest downfall. But we ladies shouldn’t get too haughty about men having this strong temptation, because we are tempted as well in other ways. I can cover my thoughts on that later, but I want to keep this comment thread about the main points. Thanks, Tom!

      Reply
  11. John

    Its not what you get from the relationship but what you can give to it
    Make sure whoever you marry loves God and serves Him with the same intensity that you do .In the process you will both become each other’s 24 hr /7 day a week service center representatives sensitive to each other’s desires and needs as they almost always change as age and family needs do on a daily basis.God will lead you to that daily adventure and help you conquer those good works He has planned for you both.

    Reply
  12. Unknown

    Hello everyone. I am the writer of that inquiry to J, but I will keep my identity secret. First things first, I want to thank everybody for their comments and concerns about my situation. I did write a couple of followup emails to J, but there are a few things that I would like to say here.

    1. I thank all of you for your insights about porn ruining my sexual desires and pleasure with my future wife. This issue greatly concerns me, and knowing about it is a great motivator for me as I am trying to quit porn. I want my future wife to be able to enjoy me as I enjoy her.

    2. When I said that I wanted a wife who could fulfill my sexual needs, I was merely talking about frequency. I do care about satisfying my future wife’s sexual needs. I am certainly willing to try whatever she wants to try in our intimacy. I am also willing to give her nights off when she needs it due to medical, emotional, or any related problems.

    3. I am also willing to nurture other areas of the marriage such as emotional, spiritual, and social support. There are personality qualities that I would want in a dedicated Christian lady such as sweetness, gentleness, patience, understanding, supporting, similar interests and values, supportive (in all areas, including spiritual), affection, and ability to joke around and have fun (just to sum up the essential character qualities – I could go much more in depth). I realize that, in my anxieties about not getting enough sex in my future marriage, I have lost sight of these things.

    4. I am not planning to put off quitting porn until marriage. I’m trying, I really am. It’s just difficult and sometimes I just get desperate to the point where I hope marital sex and the beauty of my wife will help me to lose interest in it. I do want to quit ahead of time. I really do. I’ve tried on my own too long but failed. So I’ve scheduled an appointment with a pastor next Tuesday morning.

    I am so sorry for coming across as such a selfish jerk everybody. I really did not mean to come across that way at all. I want you to know that I am very remorseful (and depressed) about how selfish I realize I am. I hope my words here have given you a better understanding of who I am and where I was coming from with all this stuff. God bless, and be good to your spouses.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      I have responded separately to the follow-up emails this young gentleman sent me. But I want to add this to his comments: I think it’s actually goodhearted and brave to come forward and ask questions about what you’re thinking and feeling, with the idea that you want a good, godly marriage. The ones I worry about are the men who would never admit that they have issues, wouldn’t visit a blog for biblical advice, and won’t seek help to quit an ingrained porn habit when they clearly need it.

      I’m very hopeful about this young man, but what this question — and my answer — shows is that you have to check your selfish impulses when it comes to sex. All of us, including us marrieds. Because sex can provide so much personal pleasure, it can be tempting to see it as something for your own satisfaction. But the best sex, the sex God desires us to have, happens when husband and wife are both kind, patient, loving, and generous in the bedroom. And when they “give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage” (Hebrews 13:4, NLT).

      Reply
    2. Eric Wiggin

      To Unknown,

      I do understand your dilemma. You have chosen wisely to meet with your pastor.

      First, regarding porn, I believe that Romans 13:14, quoted below (NASV) has a phrase that may be the key to deliverance: to “make no provision for the flesh.” A computer with Internet service is the way that most men get their porn, and since you apparently have one (or easy access to one), this is “provision” for the “flesh”–and in this context the selfish nature is meant by the word “flesh.” Cancel your Internet service, if need be. Or at least put a filter on it. If you do need a computer for college research, you can use one at a college or public library.

      Remember, too, that porn–or viewing photos of naked women even in non-sexual poses–easily becomes idolatry; and behind every idol is a demon, so this is much more than an addiction. It’s a sin from which deliverance must begin with repentance, and it’s not necessary to wallow in guilt each time. Repent at once and be done with it. DON’T make long prayers about this. Satan can use these to get you thinking about your predicament, and the devil wishes you to wallow in shame. Take it to Jesus; leave it with Him–and move on.

      Re: masturbation. The Bible says nothing about it, so I believe it’s not always wrong. Many young men and women are not thinking of pornographic images when they masturbate, and if this is the case with you, you will probably cease to masturbate once married and having regular sex with your wife. As has been pointed out by several, though, any indulgence will make it more difficult to satisfy a wife, or to bring her to a blessed orgasm.

      Don’t let Satan convince you that if you fail a few (or many) times when trying to escape the porn trap, that you might as well give up. You will probably fail a few times, so get up and go on–to victory.
      ” put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh in regard to its lusts” (Rom. 13:14, NASV).
      Eric

      Reply
  13. Four Under Four

    I guess a plain answer to his questions would really be: There is no plan answer. A woman’s sex drive varies so much from day to day, week to week, year to year. How her husband treats her, if she is sick or worried or tired, kids, pregnancy, painful periods, ill parents… And lots of other “real life” stuff can affect her drive positively or negatively. For a woman with a healthy view of sex and a biblical view of her position as a wife, all of these things can and will be worked thru, but it is work. Hard work. And not just the wife’s work. As the leader in the home, the one who is to love his wife like Christ loves the Church, it will be your job to lead and love thru these scenarios, and no woman on earth can give you a guarantee that these scenarios won’t occur and wreak havoc on her sex drive, however “high drive” she may seem to be pre-marriage. You don’t just find a partner with matching sex drive and hit the hay together every time you want. It just doesn’t work that way.

    But find a partner who believes in God’s view of sexuality (and become that kind of person yourself, because His view includes laying down your life for her), and you will (most of the time) have an awesome sex life… And actually, all the rest of life, too!

    And, yes, the porn has to stop. Pre-marriage. As soon as you buy into the lie that marriage will make the porn temptation go away, you set your future marriage up for failure. There will come a day when your wife is 4 weeks into a sexless recovery from child birth, with two+ weeks to go, and you are both sleep deprived, and you think all she cares about is that baby and you fight over silly things because you are both tired and feeling neglected and you will be tempted. If you don’t find an answer to that temptation now, you won’t find one then.

    I’m sorry that you ever got into that struggle in the first place, as I know it is so very hard, but God really is bigger than a sex drive, and can help you both over come a sinful use of sex and give you a beautiful wife who loves to be in bed with you, and I sincerely hope both of those things come to pass in your life.

    Reply
  14. Bobthemusicguy

    My first thought was, How selfish!
    Second thought, He’s so young. Wait until reality hits.
    Then I realized that he is probably in the same situation that most young Christian men are in. I know I was many years ago. This is the lack of good scriptural teaching about sex in marriage.

    The message that came across to me, and I’m sure to this young man, was that sex out side marriage is totally forbidden, and sex in marriage is the great unknown. You just need to wait until marriage, and then you just need to figure it out.

    As a young man, feeling like a testosterone storm all the time, I fell prey to those same misguided ideas. I really think that if some mature godly man had mentored me in what to expect in marriage, including sexually, things would have been very different for me. As it was, I went into marriage with unrealistic expectations, not only for my wife but also for myself.

    As sex with my wife became less frequent (work, kids, getting older), I alternated between feeling cheated and feeling like a total failure as a husband. Then sex just stopped. I was refused for four years. It’s all changed now, through God’s grace, but the healing process may give this young man some insights.

    I went into marriage with an attitude that sex was mainly about physical needs, mine and hers. And if my physical needs weren’t being met, I looked at my wife as denying me my rights. I finally learned that sex is about relational intimacy, expressed through physical means. And it is not the only way to express that intimacy of marriage. The Five Love Languages book taught me a lot.

    My wife went into marriage with the idea that sex is something married people do mainly to have kids and because the man is perpetually horny and needs relief. Sex certainly wasn’t at all “spiritual” and so it is low on the list of priorities for mature Christians. She had to learn that while I do have a physiological sex drive, it’s my primary way of being connected with my wife. And God designed sex for that very purpose, before the Fall.

    Sex in marriage is actually a very spiritual thing to do, and by indulging in regular masturbation, this young man is simply reinforcing the idea that sex is about physical release. God built into men and women, even at the physiological and chemical level, the ability to connect and reconnect in a way so as to cement the relationship. The Hebrew word “to know” was used for sexual intimacy and also for so much more.

    I hope the advice J and other responders have given will help this young man get a handle on this before he gets married. I applaud his honesty, and I don’t think he is really selfish, just misinformed, like most men of all ages, Christian or not. I know I was, and I learned a lot of good lessons the really hard and painful way.

    Reply
    1. Anonymous

      @Bobthemusicguy-
      I’m female and truly appreciate your response.
      You said you went into marriage with unrealistic expectations, not only for you but for your wife as well. How can we not? But, often it’s the expectations that spoil the experience. Especially when some of those expectations were derived from porn.

      I would like to suggest this young man head over to Paul’s “The Generous Husband” and read his post on; “She’s not responsible for your satisfaction”.
      It really hit home for me. I wish more men would heed what he has to say in that post.
      I might just head off some self imposed difficulties.
      Thank you Paul

      Reply
  15. Paul Byerly

    I’m going to mostly echo J here.

    Intimacy is about far more than sex. It’s hard to feel or understanding that when you’re young, single, and horny, but please know it’s true. You should hope for real intimacy more than once a day, with some of that being sexual and some of the sexual intimacy including orgasm.

    I agree masturbating daily is a bad plan, but I would not limit it as much as J suggested. There is growing evidence 4 to 5 ejaculations a week is a healthy level, so I would aim for that. I’d avoid the other days to teach yourself to deal with not always having sex as soon as you want it. Even if you marry a high drive wife life can get in the way of sex. Learning a bit of patience and self-control now will be a big help later.

    My biggers concern is the porn. I’ve talked to a lot of men who thought getting married would end their porn use or help them stop. I’ve not talked to any men who found this to be the case.
    I see your porn use as a huge threat to your future sexual happiness. It’s poisoning your understanding of sex and making it impossible for you to be the husband and lover your future wife needs. If you want a good sex life someday, you MUST get free of porn ASAP. If you won’t or “can’t” do that, you have no hope for a good married sex life.
    I pray you will get serious about dealing with the porn – for yourself, for your future wife, and for your future marriage.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      Thanks, Paul! Some great thoughts. I really appreciate your take.

      I’m still going to disagree with you on the 4-5 times a week masturbation thing. (You’re not surprised, are you? 🙂 ) I’ve also seen studies that frequent ejaculation correlates with avoiding prostate cancer — certainly a great goal. However, most articles on the primary study I found mention over and over about how having orgasms 21 times per month or more resulted in 20% decreased risk, without telling you that it’s compared to men who ejaculated four to seven times a month. There’s plenty of space in between there, and my suggestion falls in that space.

      Moreover, for a 21-year-old who plans to get married, (1) he will hopefully get to 4-5 times per week, and (2) the priority needs to be on retraining his sexual response so that he can have a great marriage…and have those 4-5 times with his wife.

      Reply
  16. Stuart Tutt

    Very well done J. One can definitely tell you prayed over this question before responding.

    This young man’s struggle with porn and masturbating breaks my heart as I was in his shoes for so long. There are plenty of resources available to him to assist him in stopping both, including those you listed. Being accountable to someone he trusts, who has freedom from these two issues, will help tremendously. Someone who will pray for him, with him and be real with him.

    I will be praying for this young man. That he draws closer to God and that God will reveal to him how porn can damage his heart, mind and body. That will help him realize what his triggers are for viewing porn, such as loneliness, boredom, anger issues or even an issue with self-worth. And that he comes to realize that true intimacy is not just about sex but the whole essence of a relationship, as in the points you mentioned…respect, love, emotions, communication, touch, and integrity.

    Reply
  17. ThisDude

    Hello! I have followed your blog for some time, J, and have appreciated many posts you have written. This post is no different.

    As a man, I have walked a similar road as this young man. I have fought with porn, I masturbated to porn, I hated porn… I was enslaved.
    During that fight, I tried many things to no avail to stop looking… But one thing that I refused to do was to talk to someone. I was afraid of judgment. Finally, God convinced me to let my secret out. I talked to a man I trusted, and I told him that I was addicted to porn. That was my first step to freedom. Now, I can’t say that I never looked again. Over the next 6 months, it was still a battle — sometimes I won, sometimes I lost. But, having a godly mentor speak truth (often, painfully honest truth) into my life kept me on the right track.

    One thing he taught me that was absolutely crucial in my life was this: my victory over battles that I face are DIRECTLY linked to the quality of your relationship with God. If you spend time with Him daily, learning about Him, talking to Him as a friend, that will do wonders to those “besetting” sins. You have to prove to yourself and to God that He is your utmost priority. Anything less, and someone (self) or something (sexual temptation) will be your god. It is called “spiritual discipline” for a reason. Not easy.

    I say this, not as judgment… but as something I had to learn. I can say with near certainty that I would still be entangled in porn had I not found a mentor who was willing to tell me what I needed to hear.

    Now, looking back on 3 years of marriage (and no porn for nearly 4 years), I can tell you that I am completely happy with my decision! This is not how it will end for everyone, but God was waiting for me to give up my sinful passions before letting me discover my future spouse.

    (To the young man) As a happily married man, I would offer this advice: Find a mentor whom you trust, set up very specific SMART goals (look up SMART, it’s an acronym), and make one of those goals to be 100% masturbation/porn-free. As long as you are controlled by sexual urges, you won’t make a great husband. I know, I’m married and I get sex. However, the principle remains, either you control sexual desires or they control you. For men (I am a man, so I speak as a man), there is rarely a middle ground. If you MUST have a sexual release every day, you are likely controlled by your sexual desires. When I was masturbating, I went from ~4 times per week to 0 times per month. It wasn’t easy… but it made wedded bliss… well, blissful! And it makes me appreciate every time I get sex with my (now pregnant) wife who is currently in a stage where she’s often too tired by the end of the day.

    I’ve rambled long enough. I feel your struggle, and I am praying for you that God will give you courage to reach out to a man who loves you enough to say the tough things.

    Reply
  18. D. Michael ORourke

    My suggestion is to be as open an forth conning about this with your future bride. Get on the same page with your understanding of what is a healthy and fulfilling sex life blessed by God.

    I just was told by my wife tonight (after almost 25 years of marriage) that she has never been interested much in sex. There are things she was never up for but this was a shock. I should have seen it coming though as the last few years our intimacy has dwindled down to zero. About twice a year and those feel awkwardly imposing on her to me.

    I love and still desire my wife deeply so it was a gut blow. I am deeply hurt as she does not care to discuss ways to increase he sex drive.

    I feel like I have been fooled from the start but that can’t be true..can it? She says she loves me but it is just part of getting old…. but she is not old and i cant convince otherwise.

    It’s 4 am. And I am praying you find a girl that you can both just be fully honest with when it comes to sex. Be willing to learn each others desires but get good knowledge of how those desires translate differently from a husband and a wife…God created us different.

    That lack of understanding is where we went wrong I think.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      How discouraging for you! I hope that you can find out more about why she feels this way about sex. Yes, aging can slow things down, but if desire or responsiveness is just gone, then something needs to be addressed. Praying you can figure it out. Blessings!

      Reply
      1. Anonymouse

        J,
        May I recommend the resource: North American Menopause Society?
        Click the: For Women
        Then find the : sex/health & menopause section in the blue box.

        When I started through menopause my body began doing crazy things.
        Women’s bodies go through many changes during this time of life.
        Once I realized that what was happening to me wasn’t “all in my head” I was
        much more open to addressing my problems and finding help.
        It’s a great site with lots of information for both, women and their partners.

        My prayers to D. Michael ORouke.

        Reply
  19. E

    I have attempted to find the right words to comment on this post several times now…hopefully this time I get it right!

    Ok, I totally agree with Alchemist above, and J’s general advice (J, you have done a great job answering this question in a respectful way). I would like to add a couple of things.

    Before I got married, I was a really high drive young woman (I wasn’t a Christian, and subscribed to the belief that masturbating was part of a ‘healthy’ sexuality). I would masturbate every single day, often with multiple orgasms. However, once married, I soon learnt that sex with a spouse is very different to sex with yourself. While it is a quick, easy release to masturbate when you have had a hard day and are tired, it takes a lot more effort to have a mutually pleasurable sexual encounter with your spouse, one where you are invested physically, emotionally and spiritually. Once you take the ease of masturbation off the table, you might find your sex drive naturally goes down a bit. Of course, I am talking ‘as a woman’, but that has been my experience, going from really high drive and ‘needing’ (read: having formed a habit of) orgasm before going to sleep each night, to roughly 3x a week, although it varies week to week. My point – masturbation is a habit, and does not actually accurately reflect sex drive. Also, just because you feel like doing it, doesn’t mean you ‘need’ it.

    Today, I listened to an awesome podcast bible study on The book of James, specifically about temptation. It is a women’s bible study, but I think it would be beneficial for anyone struggling with temptation such as porn. It is Jen Wilkin’s Flower Mound Bible Study, James Week 3. I highly recommend it.

    I think there is obviously a huge need for teaching a healthy view of sexuality before marriage, as obviously far too many people get taught ‘wait until marriage’ and that sets them up for big expectations of the ‘on tap’ sex in marriage – which of course doesn’t happen exactly like that!

    Reply
  20. AC

    My husband has struggled with porn. Our marriage is in a much better place now, after installing filters and getting some counseling.

    But the years of porn use have really changed the way my husband thinks about sex. Sex is supposed to connect a couple emotionally as well as physically, but for him it’s all physical. It probably always will be.

    Before we got married we talked some about our expectations. He wanted sex 3-4 times a week. But it didn’t take long for him to discover that sex with a real woman is work! You get hot and you sweat. You get leg cramps. Sometimes climax takes forever for a woman to achieve. So he’s decided sex once a week is plenty. And I initiate more often than he does. To be blunt, porn makes a person a lazy lover, not to mention giving them an appetite for really awful stuff in the bedroom, in certain cases.

    Reply
  21. JH

    Unknown might be helped by looking for and joining a Pure Desire group. It will help him overcome the porn problem and also gain a healthy perspective on married sex.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      That’s a ministry I was not familiar with, but I spent a while on their website and it looks good. Thanks!

      Reply
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  23. Amanda

    I disagree that the masturbation needs to slow down. It needs to stop all together. This young man is teaching his body that sexual pleasure is the main point. Masturbation and sex do not fill the same need in a loving marriage and he is training himself to only appreciate pleasure done his own way on his own timetable. I’m disturbed by the idea that if he doesn’t get as much sex as he wants when married, he plans to go masturbate. I can’t say how bad for marital intimacy that would be- leaving a wife feeling inadequate, guilty, and angry. Self-control and lifelong chastity (not celibacy!) have to be chosen now, and worked for forever. Marriage doesn’t let you skip sexual self control.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      I understand your point, but I don’t equate chastity with total absence of masturbation, and I don’t see that reflected in the Bible. My answer does get at self-control and focusing on sexual pleasure as an intimate act between husband and wife.

      Moreover, I understand how a man could brush off his wife by just masturbating whenever she’s not up to having sex with him and that would be bad for their marital intimacy — leaving her feeling “inadequate, guilty, and angry.” But I also hear a lot from the people who aren’t getting enough sex in their marriage, and they also feel “inadequate, guilty, and angry” about their higher sex drive and not having it honored. So these things go both ways.

      Reply
  24. Carlene

    So many have commented I’m hesitant to add. But my husband and my story of healing is somewhat different from others, and I’m compelled to share just in case there’s someone willing to read, JUST ONE MORE. My husband was typically sexually active before he met Christ. As a new believer He prioritized keeping me a virgin, maybe more than I did. I tell people I intended to stay a virgin, my husband made it easy. I vividly saw his struggle with unhealthy sexual urges and patterns he was trying to break while we dated. In innocence I believed once we were married, he would be set free from what plagued his thought patterns. Little did I know how marriage, rather than freeing him of his addiction would draw me into his bondage! Sex quickly became an issue… our issue… his “sexual freedom” drained my energy and depleted my emotions. Five years into marriage, I realized every sexual encounter was searing my heart response, and I was close to emotionally dead! We both genuinely loved the Lord. Nonetheless, I felt used and lonely, and he couldn’t figure out what my problem was. Eventually the Lord caused my husband to apply Ephesians 5:25 to his sex drive. Not that we stopped having sex, but he prioritized understanding me and my needs first. Loving me as Christ loves the church. Gradually God changed many unhealthy patterns. Eventually He caused me to realize that a shallowness remained, and this time I was the one that needed to evaluate my attitude toward sex. Though we’d come a very long way toward better, I’d been thinking, and trying to hide that: “some like peas, and some like carrots. And unfortunately …I don’t!” Sex was something to “do for him,” “tick of my list,” because “it was the right thing to do.” Though I tried to genuinely enjoy sex, there was a sadness from our past that I couldn’t forget as much as I really wanted to. I’m so thankful God didn’t leave us there! Studying through Romans and I was challenged by why I was so offended with God’s choice of circumcision to ID His people. Then God revealed a deep and meaningful truth that I hope can also help others. Whether preparing for marriage, facing your marriage situation or struggling with pornography, God intimately values our sexual health! The truths God showed us created an amazing and freeing change in my heart. This change allowed me to rise above the hurts of the past and renew my mind (As in a Romans 12:1-2 kind of renewal) about the way I think about sex. God caused me to value and enjoy our intimacy because of His own passionate love! The change He created hasn’t faded. Rather even our physical love continues to grow, after 20 years! Truly sex is more meaningful and fulfilling than we could have imagined. The truth He revealed is this: through circumcision (required of Abraham in Genesis 17) God created a definite link between a man’s penis and His righteousness (compare Romans chapter four) AND that the righteousness of Christ (our groom) placed in the Church (His bride) is life-giving! In other words, symbolically and sacramentally for believers wanting to honor God in their sex life, sex is a celebration of the unity of Christ with us! Sex is a celebration of the His righteousness! Sex is a celebration of eternal life created in and through us as we participate in His creative work! To a believer sex should be a sacrament as meaningful as baptism, and as powerful as communion! It shouldn’t be taken lightly. It’s not about me, it’s not even about my husband. It’s not about physical passions that any of us wrestle with. These are distractions aimed at keeping us from understanding God’s intimate plan. Sex is about God, His unity and His passionate love for us! When we realized how intimately God values our sex life, all of Satan’s substitutes paled and became disgusting in comparison to God’s plan! Sex can be a celebration of Him and His great work! Without God’s perspective on sex, marriages will always struggle to find common ground. With God’s perspective on marriage, grace becomes the foundation, and fulfillment its reward!

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