Q&A with J: “A Sexual Stimulant for Women?”

Today’s question is an interesting one, from a husband wanting to help his wife’s sexual desire:

So I hate to ask this as I can see [there] being conflicting opinions on the subject but, do they make a sexual stimulant for women? As well as you know they have been making them for years for the guys but I can’t find anything that looks reliable for the woman’s side of things. My wife and I have talked about this off and on for some time and she is willing to try almost anything to help her with her almost non existent drive in the bedroom.

I write about sex drive differences, but honestly there are resources more dedicated to low libido in wives than I am. Here are just three you could take a look at:

Image result for amazon.com unlock your libido

Bonny’s OysterBed7.

Given the question, I think Bonny’s site is a particularly good resource, because she addresses the science of sex and low libido. Bonny does a great job of giving emotional encouragement, practical tips, and covers studies that show which substances do work or don’t work in lifting your libido. She also has a great book titled Unlock Your Libido: 52-Week Sex Drive Transformation. She’s also one of my podcast partners, and she brings her science knowledge to our Sex Chat for Christian Wives.

Boost Your Libido course.

Sheila Gregoire of To Love, Honor, and Vacuum has a wonderful online course for low-libido wives that walks them through reasons they might not be “feeling it” and what to do about it. She doesn’t talk supplements so much as tips, but they are helpful and might indeed boost your wife’s libido. Click below to find out more.

Dr. Oz’s List.

Confession: I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with Dr. Oz. I think some of his advice is really good, and some of it is, well, opportunistic. But I found this article on his website with natural substances he suggests could boost female libido. Do they work? I’m skeptical how much of this stuff you’d have to actually eat/take to get results enough to notice a difference. But then again, why wouldn’t you just try and see for yourself? Especially when the prescribed substances include innocuous things like pumpkin seeds, walnuts, and chocolate-covered strawberries.

In addition to these resources, I suggest your wife see a doctor and get tested for hormone levels as well as deficiencies that can cause fatigue and low response, like low thyroid and anemia. Tell the doctor what exactly is happening, so she’ll know what to look for. It’s certainly possible that her physiology makes it difficult for your wife to feel desire.

But also remember that many women don’t experience a sex drive the way it’s been primarily described — as a desire for sex followed by engagement. Instead, many wives have a libido that is responsive, in that the drive is there after engagement in affection, foreplay, and sexual activity begin. There’s nothing wrong with having a responsive drive; it’s the way many of us were created. What matters instead is whether she can get into the sexual experience at all.

As for an actual sex stimulant for women? Nope, I don’t really know of anything I’d recommend. There are some shysters who will sell you something that claims to fire up a woman’s libido, but they’re not a magic pill. Stay away from anything that sounds too good to be true, because it probably is.

Like or not, sexual desire can be a delicate dance for many women. So just be patient, investigative, and willing to try various thing to see what works. I wish you all the best!

33 thoughts on “Q&A with J: “A Sexual Stimulant for Women?”

  1. Jaime Boudreaux

    I’d like to leave this gentleman with a few things that worked for me.
    First of all, I’d definitely recommend what J said and see a Dr. It could simply be a hormone issue.
    Secondly, you must remember that 90% of sex for women is in their head. I’m more ‘in the mood’, when the hubs and I connect during the day. When we kiss, when we’re playful, when he smacks my butt,…. things like that.
    Thirdly, I’ve found taking maca root helps. It’s a natural supplement for a woman’s drive, and you can find it almost anywhere. I believe it comes in a tea, but I prefer the tablets.
    I’ve also become more intentional about ‘making’ myself get in the mood. Being that it’s mostly in my head, I remind myself throughout the day how much I love my husband and want to be intimate with him.
    I hope you guys find something that works.
    *Just remember, the more you do “it”, the more you want “it”. 😉

    Reply
      1. SJA

        Honestly? My husband likes to smack my butt and I hate it! There are other ways to make me feel wanted, but that isn’t one of them. I just think every person is different and we need to know our own partner.

        Reply
  2. Kay

    I confess I don’t understand what a libido actually is, and I am happy you ended on the note you did because I wonder if a lot of guys just want their wives to feel spontaneously horny like they do. If I waited to have sex until my body felt sexual arousal, I think I’d have sex with my husband exactly NEVER. I don’t feel desire *until* we’ve started. This is the responsiveness you are talking about. Sometimes I feel like husbands are asking women to be something they physically cannot be. I know that my “libido” or whatever is responsive, however, so my husband and I have sex regularly and often, and I initiate plenty, because I know my body will catch up and that I enjoy sex tremendously. I still have a great sex life despite having no advance desire for sex.

    I agree with getting hormones checked and what not; I’ve needed bioidentical hormone replacement therapy before (and you have too, haven’t you, J?). But I always want to encourage a reality check. Guys (and gals!), we are women. Our sexual experiences and desires are often nothing like men’s, and it isn’t because of you and it isn’t because there is something wrong with us. If you wanted someone to respond like a dude, you should have married a dude. (Joking.) But seriously… Work within the system you have, not the one you wish existed.

    Sorry, end rant! I know I’m preaching to the choir here a little…

    Reply
    1. K J

      My husband said something to me the other week like, “You think about it (reaching O) too much. If you could just not think about it, it would be so much easier.” I said, “Basically, you’re asking me to be a man. I don’t think that would be good for either of us.” He does get it (and me), but he doesn’t understand it 🙂

      Reply
    2. J Post author

      I needed estrogen after having my kids, because I was super-low. That helped with sexual engagement, but I also had post-partum depression that played into my low desire at that time. Which all comes back to what you, and I, said: See a doctor and make sure there are no physiological barriers to sexual desire and/or responsiveness. Thanks for your suggestions!

      Reply
  3. Doug

    Many women are convinced they have a problem with low desire. Yet many of these same women would admit getting turned on by a romantic novel or movie. The problem many (most) times is lack of seductive skill on the part of a husband. I would suggest a man first try reading a few books on the subject before seeking a magic pill. 😉

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      Actually a good point. Some husbands forget those days of really wooing their woman before or early in marriage, and that “seductive skill” really helps most wives get into the head space they need to engage and enjoy sexual intimacy.

      Reply
  4. Sean

    To the man with the question…

    Please have her go to a doctor to have her hormones tested. Bioidentical hormones have been very effective in helping this problem. [Slightly edited to exclude a provider link, that didn’t work when I clicked it anyway.]

    Reply
  5. Anonymous

    I believe that the complex female sex drive will not respond to any drugs and/or herbal treatments that are currently available. I have had a similar experience with locating drugs and/or herbal treatments for reducing the male sex drive. I have now stopped my search after trying various treatments.

    Reply
  6. Dennis Jones

    😃
    1st- i read and enjoy the insight and topics as they always give me something good to take from each post.
    2nd- I have not decided if I should be ashamed or not,
    But I found a small bottle of stimulant for my wife that only requires 1-2 drops on the clitoral area.
    Seriously the difference and effect for her is wonderful. Regardless of if I give her manual stimulation or oral stimulation, she quickly and in a intense manner gets her fulfilment.
    There are 2 versions I know of one is called 6volt and the other is called 12volt. We only have used the 6volt and she says she thinks she couldn’t handle the 12volt version.
    I highly recommend it

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      When I looked this up, the description said it was a “clitoral enhancement gel.” Huh. I wonder if it’s like the tingling lubes I’ve seen, because those can cause an ouch for some women but others like them.

      Reply
  7. Alicia

    Lots of good suggestions here. I’m definitley thinkin about the hormone thing. I don’t know what age this man and his wife are, but I’m learning that age sure plays a part in my drive. In my twenties, my drive was much more like what most men describe: the desire for sex before it ever started, sometimes that urgent desire for it. After I hit 35 or so, I find that changing. Now I have more the responsive drive, the kind J is talking about and that apparently most women have. This actually annoys the crap out of me for myself. I miss my old drive the way it used to be. I don’t like this responsive drive thing. But it’s what I have now, so I’m learning how to live with it. I’ve heard from several other high-drive female friends that this changed in their mid to late thirties too, and was hormone related.

    Reply
  8. Mike S

    I believe Kay is correct about “responsive” libido. She shows great wisdom in this, and many would do their mate a loving favor to carefully consider what she is saying. I think being intentional during the day helps my wife, and she is generally ok with “trying” and especially in connecting for her and pleasing me.

    As far as supplements, we have tried many, but one that I can recommend for sure is called Zestra Feminine Arousal Oil. It doesn’t “create” libido, but it certainly helps my wife with arousal, sensitivity and pleasure. She orgasms much more easily, and although this is male thinking, I believe that it helps her get in the mood ahead of time, knowing that she will feel good, and things might go more easily.

    Zest is natural, but may not be what some would consider a supplement because it is not a pill. It is an oil that is applied before sex. It comes in single-use pouches, or a multi-use pump bottle. That’s what we use. Zestra is not a lubricant per se, that is not what it is for, and it doesn’t take much.

    Some people don’t like the smell, but when you associate it with a great time, it grows on you for sure.

    This may be about as good as can be done today for women, because with my wife, if she is typical, whether she “wants” to, or has an orgasm when we have sex is all up to her, or her head. Sometimes it just isn’t going to work, and we still enjoy ourselves. But Zestra is something you should try. We have tried all the stuff on TV (don’t work), but it actually works like they advertise but don’t deliver.

    By the way, I have no connection to the company whatsoever.

    All that being said, if you even want to get your wife to want to try Zestra or anything else, you need to pay attention to her, compliment her sincerely, ask her every day how you can help her that day, kiss her, hold her hand everywhere, learn to enjoy just making out and “snuggling,” etc.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      I looked up the ingredients, and here’s what Zestra’s website says: “The botanical ingredients in Zestra include PA-free Borage Seed Oil, Evening Primrose Oil, Angelica Extract, Coleus Forskholii Extract, Theobromine, and the Anti-Oxidants Vitamin C and Vitamin E.”

      I also found a review that suggests it’s a pretty steep price for enhanced lube that might or might not have the claimed results, but like I said, it might be worth a try for those struggling.

      Reply
      1. Mike S

        It might be a “high” price, but I can’t gather and mix all this myself, and all I’m saying is it definitely enhances sensitivity and enjoyment for _my wife,_ and she’s definitely the skeptical type. You can find it more cheaply if you look around, and as I mentioned, the pump dispenser lasts a long time. You can also control how much you use each time. Doesn’t take much.

        Reply
      2. Mike S.

        I just wanted to clarify that this will not increase libido directly at all, but could help make sex more pleasurable or “easier.” That might help some people. While some men might be expecting their wife to react like a man, that is certainly not my intention at all. We have found it to help on those nights when she would like to orgasm, but is also feeling distracted, “busy,” tired or whatever. I have come to accept that some nights she just wants to connect, and doesn’t need an orgasm to be very satisfied.

        Sometimes I get the impression, (not from you, J), that if a husband doesn’t care about his wife pleasure or orgasm, has is a beast, and if he does care and try to assist, he’s also bad. 🙂

        Reply
  9. Keelie Reason

    I’ve bought some kind of lube that is supposed to make it feel better down there for women. It had something in it that increased sensations. I can’t remember what it is. But, I think cinnamon essential oils will do the same thing when combined with cinnamon essential oil is mixed with a carrier oil and rubbed on your vagina area. It brings blood flow.

    Reply
  10. Aleisha

    I’m a big advocate for essential oils. I love the stuff! They are definitely not a magic pill, but they do show signs of being useful for many different things. My husband and I have what we consider to be equal drive – both high – and we are very interested in spending intimate time together. However, I have found during certain days in my monthly cycle my drive drops just a fraction. On days like that, I diffuse essential oils that I have found to be helpful in encouraging relaxation and arousal. My two favorites are “Passion” and “Ylang-Ylang” from DoTerra. Another one that I like is “AromaTouch” which is awesome for massage. Essential oils are being used more and more for therapeutic treatment, and I’ve found it to be very helpful. I’d highly recommend looking into it.

    On a side note: I’m a fan of DoTerra because from what I’ve found is that they provide the purest oils, PLUS they employ underprivileged families in the harvesting process. So maybe give that a go?

    Bonny from OysterBed7 writes a post about oils: http://www.oysterbed7.com/loveromanceandessentialoil/

    Gaye from Calm, Healthy, Sexy; on oils:
    https://calmhealthysexy.com/essential-oils-for-sex-and-intimacy/
    (Gaye especially likes the Whisper blend from DoTerra – it’s awesome as a perfume! It smells different on everyone from my experience.)

    Reply
  11. Amy

    I agree that men seem to think that a woman should become sexually aroused like they do and unfortunately, that just isn’t always the case. It’s thought that if a woman isn’t instantaneously aroused she needs to see a doctor, go on supplements to help increase her libido, etc. But there’s nothing usually wrong with a woman just because she isn’t suddenly wet and ready for sex when her husband is.

    I’m a high drive wife and really crave sex often, but even so it doesn’t mean I’m ready at the drop of a hat when my husband suddenly is. What I find helps me to be much more aroused sooner and easier is for there to be a playfulness and flirting going on between my husband and I long before we get to the bedroom. It’s a turn on for me when he kisses my neck while I’m doing dishes, pats me on the butt when I walk past him, kisses me passionately when he gets home from work, or just about any type of touch where I feel a connection with him.
    And feeling desired outside of the bedroom is what really turns me on. Those kisses on my neck, those passionate kisses when he comes home, those little pats on my butt, whatever it is, tell me he desires me and makes me desire him all that much more.

    Now, certainly there can be hormonal issues or medical conditions which decrease libido, but really from the question it sounds more like he wants to figure out how to help her get sexually aroused once in the bedroom. And what I would question, is what’s going on before you get to the bedroom? Flirt, connect, and don’t just assume that because the husband is suddenly aroused and ready that the wife should be the same. Go back to your dating days and find ways to connect outside the bedroom which is where foreplay really begins. 😉

    And on another note, I would be very cautious of putting anything into the vagina for further stimulant, especially essential oils unless you are trained in using them or working with someone who knows about them. I have some experience with using them and they could be very irritating to the delicate lining of the vagina if someone doesn’t know what they are doing.

    Reply
      1. Amy

        Yes, diffusing is great with oils and obviously if it’s going to be used on the skin or in the vagina it should be used in a carrier oil like coconut oil. And not all coconut oils are the same, be sure to buy a virgin, non-refined coconut oil for purity.

        But I still feel that unless someone understands essential oils they may not be the best choice especially for putting in or around the vagina.

        Reply
  12. B

    Sometimes I wish there was a sexual de-stimulant, or I guess I should say a sex-drive suppressant for women. I have a much higher sex drive than my husband, and while I’m learning to deal with it in healthier ways, I’d still like it to go away. I’d love to feel like a normal wife with a normal drive – one who needs to be pursued and wooed by her husband, instead of feeling like a burden.

    I’ve tried praying for my sex drive to go away, drinking oodles of spearmint tea, staying up too late (stupid idea – it just made me crankier), reading (anything just to get my mind off of my desire for intimacy with my husband), exercise, cleaning – I’ve yet to find anything that makes my desire for him less.

    My ideal would be for him to desire me as much as other men desire their wives, or at the least – as much as I desire him. But I have given up on that ever happening.

    The good news is, I’ve stopped feeling sorry for myself and I’ve stopped complaining about it, so he is much happier. I’ve accepted this is just how things are going to be for us, and now I’m trying to learn to be happy with the way things are.

    But a desire suppressant would be a big help! 😊 If someone pushed an essential oil to diminish my sex drive I’d buy it in a second!

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      Unless someone is a sex addict (which you are not), I’m opposed to the idea of a libido suppressant. Instead of diminishing the drive, maybe channel it while working on improving the sexual intimacy in your marriage.

      Reply
      1. B

        Hi J, so I thought about this for a bit, and I went back and reread a couple of your posts for higher drive wives, before writing this reply. I could be stupid, but I’m not sure how you can improve sexual intimacy in your marriage if your husband isn’t interested in you that way.

        I’m not sure why you’d be against a libido suppressant, if it would help the marriage. I think it would help my marriage, and selfishly, it would certainly help me. I guess in some emotional ways I’d still feel unattractive and unloved, and unworthy of my husband’s desire. But at least I wouldn’t have to deal with the physical feelings of desire.
        Also, my husband loves to snuggle. I HATE it! Because I’m a selfish woman who wants to be equally loved and desired the way I desire him. And it’s actually very frustrating. When he wants to cuddle and hold me, it awakens feelings in me that are most likely not going to be dealt with. It awakens my desires to be intimate with him, but if I express that, sometimes he feels badly. So I suffer in silence. I prefer sleeping on the couch so I don’t have to feel these feelings.
        But, my sleeping on the couch sometimes hurts his feelings. I don’t want to hurt his feelings. So a libido suppressant could be a good thing, then he could cuddle me all day long, and I could just feel nothing. Then I wouldn’t feel badly, and he wouldn’t have to act like he felt badly.

        This reply might not sound like it, but we are actually in a much better place right now. But I’d still welcome a suppressant because I think it would make things so much simpler. (But since I don’t drink and won’t take unnecessary meds, nothing exists yet – to my knowledge).

        Reply
        1. J Post author

          So here’s where I continue to think your perspective is off: “…I’m not sure how you can improve sexual intimacy in your marriage if your husband isn’t interested in you that way.” You take his low drive as an indicator that he’s not attracted to you sexually, but that’s not often the case with low drive. Many low libido spouses adore their mates, but for a variety of reasons don’t have a strong sex drive.

          Also, you mention his desire to cuddle, and your response of sleeping on the couch. Turn those tables for a moment: What if his desire to cuddle is as strong as your desire to have sex? Just as it hurts that he’s denying you (and yeah, I think he shouldn’t), can you see how it hurts him that you would deny him the physical affection that makes him feel accepted and loved?

          Look, if your husband was here on the blog, I’d make a lot of points about how he needs to work on his side of the sexual intimacy equation. Of course I think he needs to be more engaged in your marriage bed. But I can only deal with the spouse who comes to my blog (you, in this case), so I’m hoping you can think more deeply about how you personalize his rejection in a way that likely doesn’t reflect how he feels. After all, why would he want to snuggle with you if he wasn’t attracted to you at all? His lower sex drive is probably physiological, not personal.

          Reply
          1. B

            Maybe. I’m at least willing to think on these things.

            Maybe the problem is how I see sex drive. I see my husband. I love him. I am attracted to him. I want to have sex with him. That’s how it goes!

            So if he sees me, and doesn’t want to have sex with me, my logical conclusion is I don’t spark his fire. He might possibly feel love, but certainly not attraction – because he doesn’t want to have sex. (Well, to be fair, only sometimes.) But I think if I were attractive enough (at least to him) then he would be attracted and feel desire for me.

            It hurts, but I think if a woman he were actually attracted to showed up in my place, one that he found truly beautiful (brunette, short – that’s his ideal woman) – then I think he would feel a much stronger desire. I think most of the problems are because I don’t fit the bill. I am willing to admit I could be wrong. But this is what I think the problem is.

            And that’s why it’s hard to feel “good enough” or just be happy with who I am, because I love him and really want to please him, but I cannot – certainly not enough to make him genuinely sexually interested (not just saying it). And that makes me sad.

            So that is why I say it’s hard to work on sexual intimacy, because he doesn’t have those feelings for me.

            On a brighter note, I started retreading your “prayer for higher drive wives” and I’m considering praying it.

          2. J Post author

            It’s been a tough road for you, B. But I do see you making progress. Hang in there and really try to see this in another way. Praying for you.

        2. Amy

          My husband loves to cuddle too and stay connected by hand holding, resting his hand on my leg while we drive in the car, sitting close to me, always kissing me, etc. It’s something he’s always done and continues to do. Unfortunately, he just doesn’t have a strong sexual desire/urge, although he did before we got married and early into our marriage, so it was there at one time.

          Last Sunday I finally broke down and explained to him how frustrating his seemingly lack of desire for me is and how frustrated I get when sex is so infrequent and yet it doesn’t seem to bother him. He thought I was angry or upset with him but I explained I wasn’t mad at him just feeling hurt and sad over what seems like a lack of desire for me and for having sex.
          Did it change things that night? No, but at least I shared my feelings instead of bottling them up inside. So while communicating my feelings and desires may not change anything immediately or possibly ever as far as his sexual desire, at least it opens up the communication and let’s him know where I’m at. When I bottle it up it only makes it worse, especially for me.

          I find it’s hard enough when sex is so infrequent (part of which is caused by his long work hours and him being out of town during the week right now) but what really hurts me the most is him not even acting like he’s disappointed it’s been ages since we’ve made love.
          And it’s that lack of response, not just the lack of sex, which equates in my mind to a lack of desire for ME. When in my mind, all other husbands are constantly horny and climbing all over their wives for sex and mine’s not, then of course I internalize it as ME being the problem…I’m not attractive enough or desirable to him. When in fact, it’s all about him.

          When we sit down on the couch to watch television and he wants to cuddle, I will find myself resistant to it if it’s been a long time since we’ve had sex, even though I want to be near him and connected. And that’s because I feel resentful over the lack of sex and the lack of interest he appears to have for it. But not cuddling with him is no-win situation for either of us. I truly miss it, but am too stubborn to allow myself to cuddle and it hurts my husband who is probably clueless as to why I won’t, and he then interprets it as me being mad at him. So around we go, neither getting what the other wants and not understanding why.

          Trying to suppress your sex drive would do nothing to deal with the issue of your husband’s lower sex drive. I don’t know why your husband doesn’t desire sex more, but I don’t believe it’s because of you. He is probably just as hurt from your actions (sleeping on the couch and not cuddling) as much as you are from him not wanting sex more.

          Just keep talking with him and loving on him. You may never have as much sex as you desire but I can say from experience, when you shut down you only make the situation worse, for both of you.

          Reply
    2. Amy

      B, I completely know your frustration, as you read in my comment on another blog the other day. 😉 But I would never want to diminish my sex drive or change who I am. Yes, it’s difficult to feel sex starved and wonder why our husband’s don’t seem to want sex or feel bothered by a low frequency…that’s actually what bugs me the most! When I’m feeling so frustrated and he doesn’t seem concerned in the least by the fact it’s been almost 2 weeks without sex, I just want to hear him tell me how much he wants me and desires me. But when he doesn’t and seems content with how things are, that almost bothers me more than not having sex.

      Anyway, we can’t change who we are and somehow need to love ourselves and believe we are not abnormal just because we have a high drive and our husband’s don’t.

      Hang in there!

      Reply

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