Q&A with J: “He Won’t Touch My Clitoris”

I’m getting control of my email inbox, slowly but surely. (I’d lost control in 2017.) But this means that I’m re-reading old messages, so some questions I’ll be answering on Thursdays were posed to me months before. However, I considered this one worth addressing, because I suspect it happens in other marriages too. Here’s the reader’s question:

What does a wife do when her husband is afraid or uncomfortable touching her clitoris? I used to feel so resentful and bitter he wouldn’t but I have had more peace about this issue as of late and the last time my husband and I had intercourse, I ended up taking care of myself but he had already gotten up and was in the bathroom and don’t think he noticed me or cared that I took care of my own needs at the end. I don’t know why touching my body below the waist makes him so uncomfortable. I have tried talking to him and he said it’s the way it feels and he seems rather OCD about body fluids… We were making some progress where he felt more comfortable with a glove on even though that felt a bit “clinical’ like I was at the dr or something but I didn’t care that he had a glove on if that was the only way he would touch me but it still felt a bit awkward…. I know I can’t change his feelings about touching me, but I’d sure like him to help me experience orgasm with him. I would like to feel more “mutual” pleasure in our marriage as I know God created it to be a mutually satisfying experience. 

Blog post title + illustrated hand with pointer finger extended, touching heartLet me start with this sentence: “I have tried talking to him and he said it’s the way it feels and he seems rather OCD about body fluids…” Yeah, that might well be it.

I hear from spouses now and then who wonder why sex has to be so, well, messy. I mean, usually it’s a bad sign when something is leaking or oozing out of your body, so it’s a strange twist for some minds to embrace that fluids coming out are a good thing in the case of sexual intimacy.

Then there’s the texture of the fluids themselves. For instance, semen has been described as having the consistency of a beaten egg. Really? Who wants to handle or swallow a raw, beaten egg? Maybe we should come up with a different analogy…

Now take a person with cleanliness issues, and you’ve got a real challenge. And I understand how difficult it can be to try to convince someone with OCD traits that everything will be okay if they’ll just do the thing they feel they must avoid. I don’t have that Help! Sex Is Messy issue, but all the presidents on my currency must face the same way in my wallet, and telling me the world won’t crater if a five-dollar-bill is upside down doesn’t stop me from turning it the “right way.”

Thus, telling your husband that his aversion isn’t logical or to just get over it isn’t likely to work. So what can you do? Here are some suggestions. (And a big thank you to those in my Facebook community who chimed in with their thoughts.)

1. Talk about your concerns and desires.

I know you’ve tried talking to him. But keep the conversation lines open. Let him know that you’ll support him, even if he says something that wouldn’t seem logical to others. Be a safe place for him to express his concerns, and be willing to share your desires as well and why addressing this issue is important to you. You might find some helpful tips in this post: How to Talk about Sexual Problems with Your Spouse.

2. Study female lubrication.

If something seems dirty, we might assume it is. But we’re not always right about which substances in nature are harmful or harmless. So what is all that lubrication made of? You can find a bit of a breakdown here on the LiveStrong website. But after reading so much about female fluids that my eyes were starting to cross, it comes down to this: very little sweat or oils are involved in the lubrication that happens with sexual arousal. Instead it’s mostly a mucus — which doesn’t mean ick, mucus! but rather a slippery substance that moistens and protects — secreted through the vaginal walls and Bartholin’s glands. That mucus contains some starch, chemicals that make the substance slick, healthy bacteria, a bit of acid that kills off bacteria that could harm the vagina, and — believe it or not — alcohol.

Point being that the fluid is harmless, unless there is an infection of some kind — which you would probably sense based on feel, smell, consistency, etc. Otherwise, it’s not can hurt anything whatsoever to touch it, it’s actually very useful in making sex comfortable and enjoying for both of you, and it even has its own bacteria-fighting properties.

3. Get clean together.

Since one of the concerns might be cleanliness of the area, take a shower or bath together. Let your husband be in charge of washing you down there; that way he’ll know the area has been thoroughly cleaned. I recommend using cleanser pH-balanced for that area, like the Sliquid Balanced Series (link goes to Christian marital aid store, Marriage Spice).

4. Wear a glove or finger cot.

You mentioned this, and it’s certainly an option for your husband to wear a glove. To make it a comfortable experience, try a thin latex glove and make sure it’s powder-less. Another option is a finger cot, which is basically a latex covering just for a finger. You can find gloves and finger cots at a medical supply store or your local grocery or discount store.

If you go this route, find a personal lubricant that can help make the glove slick as well so that it feels good to you. A silicone lubricant might be a good choice for this particular kind of manual play. You can also try different kinds of gloves made from various fabrics or substances to see if a particular texture feels better to you than another.

5. Use systematic desensitization.

When dealing with high anxiety or fear, psychologists often prescribe systematic desensitization. You can find many resources on how to apply this procedure, but it’s gradually exposing yourself to the anxiety-inducing stimuli and introducing a relaxation response at each stage.

In this case, hubby’s a little freaked out about touching your clitoris (or, really, the whole vulva). Essentially, the steps above could be part of a systematic sensitization program, where he talks about his worries, then gets used to the idea of your female anatomy, then touches you with a washcloth, then moves to sexually stimulating you with a finger cot…

Perhaps the next step is touching your vulva through your panties, feeling some of the wetness on the fabric but not making direct contact. You could also insert steps among the ones I mentioned here: like having him watching you stimulate yourself to climax so that he can clearly see what happens and become more comfortable with the fluids there, or him stimulating your clitoris with a vibrator (see Q&A with J: “Is It Okay to Use Sex Toys?”).

Regardless, the key is him intentionally relaxing at each step, reassuring himself that this act is beautiful and holy and good for your marriage. Indeed, God’s perfect design makes this natural lubrication the perfect substance for sensitivity, slipperiness, and protection. You can encourage him with your words as well.

What if he never gets to the point of touching your bare vulva? It’s likely he can make real progress, especially if he is personally motivated, but there are no guarantees. If he just cannot get there all the way, then you can ask how he feels about you touching yourself while he stimulates you in other ways. You can stroke that knobby bit of flesh while he kisses the rests of your body or gives full attention to your breasts, or while you two are engaged in intercourse. That way the self-touching still adds to mutual intimacy.

Any other ideas from readers on how to address this particular scenario?

13 thoughts on “Q&A with J: “He Won’t Touch My Clitoris”

  1. G

    This one leaves me befuddled — and I truly feel for the sister who’s had this dropped at her feet. Did her husband experience some type of abuse in his past? I realize that’s kind of the de facto question, but this seems to go against male hardwiring. A man not wanting to spend as much time as possible in “the garden” seems incredibly foreign to me. Ergo, something’s not computing.

    So sorry.

    Reply
      1. G

        Good point — I operate the other way around: the male hardwiring outweighs everything else. (Queue snorting horse noise.)

        I wish that good sister the very best — sounds like a very heavy burden. So sorry for her.

        Reply
  2. Happily Married

    I thought of maybe encouraging him to talk to a doctor about it. I know you can read stuff online and hear about it from other people. But maybe just hearing a doctor explain more about why it’s perfectly fine and sanitary would help with the mental block. 🙂

    Reply
  3. Mark

    I’m not sure how old your husband is, but love making should improve with age.

    I wrote a passionate love letter to my wife, making her clitoris feel like “she” is the center of the universe with ultra light feather touches, that be itself took her to the edge. Then I actually feather touched her so soft, that her arousal climbed to a peak, Then I eased a little so another peak could be reached. Then I eased until her clitoris was going insane, when to her relief I didn’t ease and continue to feather touch her clitoris into intimate euphoria.

    If you read it, you might be able to guide your husband to understand what is going on, he simply may not know what is going on with your body. Maybe at a time, he may have rubbed instead of feather touched and isn’t sure..

    I’d share it with permission from J.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      I appreciate your offer, but that sounds like a very personal letter. And perhaps one your wife wouldn’t want shared publicly… I think your comment here about how to touch that area, however, is helpful. Knowing your way around, so to speak, can help you feel more comfortable in a location.

      Reply
  4. Mark

    It is personal and I don’t want to exceed boundaries. It isn’t however, a technique I invented but instead from a book I purchase from a self-help section in a book store 25 years ago, that was written by a woman, who emphasized “intimacy is all about the woman”, this might sound strange as some would suggest it is about both the man and woman.

    But the author did explain what can happen to the mind of a man when he is taking his wife to the edge, and so I did discover that statement to be true.

    We unfortunately tossed the book as we didn’t want our young pre-teen children to find it.

    Who knows where my passionate ideology toward my wife would be if I didn’t discover that book?

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      What you’re describing is “edging” — slowly taking a woman close to orgasm, backing off a little, then taking her up again, then back, and eventually all the way. It’s a technique that some wives say results in an especially strong climax. I’ve been meaning to write about it, so perhaps I’ll move that up in the queue. Thanks!

      Reply
  5. Mark

    Thanks,,, I didn’t know there was a name, I will say it is a very special bonding experience between my wife and I.

    In the book, the female author emphasized ultra-lite feather touching, to where her clitoris can barely feel the finger tips. (no rubbing) Then near the peek, purposely stop and then feather touch her outer swollen right labia and then her outer left labia which by then is also super sensitive to the touch.

    Then slowly navigate back to her clitoris…

    This of course works orally as well.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      I’ve also been known to straighten diplomas hung on the wall in a doctor’s office when I’m alone in the exam room. Is that weird? Lol.

      Reply
  6. Elizabeth

    I’d like to suggest that her husband feels terrible too. Society believes that a man should be able to be able to bring pleasure to his wife, if not by his penis then his tongue or, at a bare minimum, his hand. His washing and leaving her could be a result of embarrassment or shame. Does she want him to touch her or does she want him to care about her pleasure? They are not the same goals.
    I had the same problem with my husband. It was lonely. In desperation I began to rub myself with his penis right after his orgasm but before he left. I ended up masturbating there and then. He enjoyed that, as did I. Did he look forward to it? Yes. It also reassured me that he wasn’t selfish and did care. Has it made him able to touch me? No. Do I think he every will? I don’t know. But I don’t hurt like I used to.
    It took a long time for me to get brave enough to do this. I am sorry I didn’t try sooner. The last couple of years have really been so much better for both of us.

    Reply
    1. Elizabeth

      Another option…try having him touch you while in the shower. My husband didn’t feel quite so hung up on his OCD then.

      Reply

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