From time to time, I invite a husband onto my blog to give his take on Christian sex in marriage. I’m rather particular about who these men are, and today I’m super-excited it’s Scott Means of Heaven Made Marriage.
Scott has been writing some stellar stuff about intimacy in marriage, and he also just released a book I want my readers to know about. Rather than take up any more space bragging about my fellow blogger and friend, I’ll just hand it over to Scott, who is talking to you wives today.
God has hardwired us to desire intimacy, that deep feeling of closeness and connection. I’ve often said that intimacy is the most important goal of marriage, and I’ve found that it is by far the number one longing of most couples.
Why then, do so many couples who desire deeper intimacy in their marriage find it so elusive?
In my new Kindle book, The Path of Intimacy, I explain how every couple is on one of two paths: the Path of Intimacy or the Path of Separation. There is no middle ground. You are either growing together or you are growing apart.
Every couple is on one of two paths: the Path of Intimacy or the Path of Separation. - Scott Means Click To TweetOne reason couples grow apart is that they tend to have some misconceptions about intimacy. In my book I examine these misconceptions, exploring seven common lies that people believe about intimacy in marriage. Buying into these lies can keep couples stuck on the Path of Separation, feeling disconnected and disappointed, when what they desire most is to be together.
“Sex Is for Him”
One of the biggest and most damaging lies a wife can believe is that sexual intimacy is primarily for her husband. It’s amazing to me how many women believe this lie, which ultimately steals the joy and beauty from God’s marvelous design of the sexual union between husband and wife. It robs her of the deep connection with her husband that she actually desires.
One of the biggest and most damaging lies a wife can believe is that sexual intimacy is primarily for her husband. Click To TweetThe majority of women don’t have the same testosterone-laden sex drive as their husbands (though around 20% of wives have a higher drive than their husband). Many of these lower-drive wives think it’s no big deal to go without sex and can just dole it out as a wifely duty.
But it actually is a big deal.
Sex is the only form of intimacy that God strictly reserved to be shared between husbands and wives, which makes sex not only unique but also sacred. Sex is an essential part of the oneness between husband and wife.
In a Sexual Satisfaction Survey that I ran on my blog a few years back, I found that one in five marriages are essentially sexless (defined as having sex less than once a month). My findings are confirmed by a range of scientific studies over the past decade.
These are sad and tragic statistics that point to the damage being done in way too many marriages.
Sex Is for BOTH of You
Believing that sex is primarily for your husband will rob you of the sexual enjoyment and fulfillment that God intends for you. Additionally, a husband whose wife gives him only “duty sex” because she knows “he needs it” will rarely be sexually satisfied. Your husband longs for you to be fully engaged in the bedroom and likely has a strong desire to see you sexually fulfilled as well.
Sexual intimacy is an essential component of marital intimacy, which I define as “being fully known and completely loved.” Because sex brings about the ultimate vulnerability in marriage, doing it only for your husband will cause you to miss out on the deep connection found in a mutually fulfilling sex life.
Keep in mind that sex is not primarily a physical act. It is deeply spiritual and builds a wide pathway to a strong emotional connection as well. Having regular, deeply satisfying sex strengthens your marriage, gives you a sense of well-being, and it can help you actually desire sex more.
Here’s the corresponding truth that you can use to defeat the lie that sex is only for your husband: Even though you may have less physical drive than your husband, don’t allow yourself to miss out on the joy, pleasure and oneness that is rightfully yours.
Explore the other six lies that inhibit intimacy in marriage (and much more) in my book, The Path of Intimacy.
In The Path of Intimacy, Scott Means gives you a road map for your journey into deeper intimacy and greater passion in your marriage. Along with insight into God’s heart for marriage, he offers both invaluable wisdom and practical steps you can take immediately to get off The Path of Separation and to stay on the Path of Intimacy.
Buy the book: Amazon
Visit Scott’s website: Heaven Made Marriage
And for specific tips on how to make sexual intimacy more exciting for you, be sure to also check out my ebooks, currently on sale through Valentine’s Day!
J. If you’re interested, Scott sent me a review copy of this book to see if I’d like to have him on my show. I finished it last night. I managed to get in a good deal. Allie was wanting to watch this thing on TV. Something about some Superb Owl or something like that. I just saw a bunch of hooligans running into each other so it didn’t make sense to me and I opened up my Kindle instead.
I’m regrettably not surprised so many women believe this. I think much of it is the remnants of purity culture gone wrong. “Boys just want sex and girls are responsible for fending them off.” Not exactly setting couples up for a mutually enjoyable sex life there.
My church regrettably still teaches that it’s mainly for men. Can’t wait for our Valentine’s Day dinner next week where we will get our annual dose of “Ladies, your husband needs sex, and it’s your job to give it to him.” Yippee.
Can we just agree already that setting up a supply and demand system is a VERY bad formula for growing marital intimacy? We need to talk more about the amazing benefits of sexual intimacy for WOMEN too, and also your marriage as a whole.
Amen.
One of the reasons that churches think that sex is mainly for men is because, in most marriages, the wife asks/pushes for sex less than the husband does. If wives ever “catch up” to husbands, you will see that feeling in the church quickly diminish.
I disagree. The number of marriages where the wife has a higher drive is rising and those same churches are still teaching their old lines. And, if the wife in one of those marriages go to her patriarchal pastor, bothered by the lack of sex, she’s usually told it must be because she’s driving her husband away, probably through lack of “respect.” So, either way, it’s the wife’s fault.
It mostly stems from a patriarchal mindset that believes that men are spiritually and morally stronger than women. If the husband is struggling, sexually, it must be the wife’s fault. If the wife is struggling, sexually, it must be her fault, too.
It also stems from the way our culture treats boys and young men. Many parents start withholding physical affection from boys at a young age. Men are taught, subconsciously, that the only type of physical affection they need is sexual. They have few other opportunities for oxytocin to do it’s work, few other avenues to be intimate with another person. So they become starved for intimacy and affection with only one culturally acceptable way to get that need met–sex.
Many churches don’t teach this, thankfully. But, the ones that do usually operate this way.
Lisa, wow, I like what you said about how our culture treats boys and young men. That is very enlightening to me. As a guy, I’m taught that the only type of physical affection I need is sexual. Yes, girls hug and touch each other, but boys are taught that they don’t need physical affection. So that’s likely one reason guys are so extra-sexual (only one reason though 🙂 ). And right – we are starved for intimacy and affection – and sex seems to be our only outlet. Wow – what you wrote seems like a revelation for me. Thanks.
I would disagree with you though about churches teaching that men need sex more. Granted that the percentage of wives with a higher sex drive is rising, it still lags behind men. Until and unless it hits 50% or more, I think churches (and society) will always feel that men need sex more than women do. And why wouldn’t they? If the percentage is less than 50%, it’s natural to conclude that (on average) men need and desire sex more than women. It may not be true, but it’s natural to conclude that.
I guess I go to a different denomination than most of the people here.
I’ve rarely heard any sermons that discussed marital intimacy and none that said it was mostly or mainly for men. Even in our pre-marriage course, sex was only barely discussed.
That’s still pretty much the case.
I agree about some of the churches always make the wife to feel guilty. I have been married for few months now. My husband hates sex since the beginning, for him to try (and most of the time unsuccessful) once per fortnight, it’s a big burden for him. One day I asked him why to develop any kind of spiritual and physical intimacy was such a burden for him. He said there was a very attractive woman on his mind, and it stop him for desiring me. I felt broken heart after that, my marriage for me was destroyed that day. We went to look from wisdom from the Pastor .The Pastor heard the story I just told and said that the fact I ask him why he doesn’t want develop intimacy shows insecurity. And he completed saying in front of my husband that a insecure wife was really unatractive. I have never been a insecure person. People who knows me well, my family and my friends can comfirm that. But my husband keep using this against me since he heard from the Pastor. We live in marriage with no intimacy at all. My husband is really happy about our marriage, because I try my best to be kind with him despite all my unhappiness. He has someone who he can present for people as wife. He likes to live the “appearance” marriage. But I feel I live in marriage where I am used for his purpose. A marriage that is prison for me. I ask God for strength everyday to keep going in life.
I think you should seek other counsel, perhaps a different pastor, mentor, or counselor. You need to do something to change the dynamic in your marriage. Praying for you.
Please don’t receive this the wrong way, but why go to a church that teaches things like this, “Ladies, your husband needs sex, and it’s your job to give it to him?” Wouldn’t it be best for everyone if people stood up to these false teachings/teachers and let the “leaders” know that what they’re preaching and/or allowing to be taught is not in line with what God says? And if they still choose to do the wrong thing then to find a church that does align their teachings with that of God’s word?
“Having regular, deeply satisfying sex strengthens your marriage, gives you a sense of well-being, and it can help you actually desire sex more.” – Amen!
Seeing sex as intimacy is difficult for me. My husband used to always talk about wanting more intimacy in our marriage, I equated that to sex. So I was the one misunderstanding what he meant. But when he complained about intimacy he also complained about the amount (lack) of sex the we were having. At that point it was 2 times a week and he traveled five days a week for work so I thought we were doing pretty darn good. Then I discovered he had met someone in the city his assignment was in. That discovery led to finding out she wasn’t the only one. She was his long term affair and there were other one nighters or short term in addition. I figured at one point he has getting it somewhere at least 5-6 times a week and still said he wasn’t getting enough sex. Of course when he said that I thought he was just having sex with me. Looking back and realizing all this and reading blogs like this I realized that it wasn’t me that was the issue, it was him. He had a sex addiction. All that to say it’s so hard for me to equate the oneness of husband and wife through sex and seeing it as building intimacy in marriage. We’ve worked through much of this, he has sought help but I suspect still struggles more than he will admit. But still as far as physical affection goes, he pushes everything to lead to sex. He won’t cuddle on the couch or snuggle in bed. I long for talks that don’t involve work, what someone I don’t know said on Facebook that he disagrees with, the latest political controversy, etc. I want that physical connection, I want that emotional connection, I want to experience intimacy. I just don’t know what it really looks like anymore. I read blogs like this to help understand. And I do in theory. I just want it in reality.
Oh, I just want to hug you. How difficult that discovery must have been! He clearly has some wrong views about sexuality. Yes, sex is highly related to intimacy, but sometimes people seek sex as a way to feel false intimacy and acceptance. He needs to continue his journey to get to a place of seeing sex the God way created it for marriage.
And if you haven’t been in counseling, you might consider that too. You need support for what you’ve gone through.
We’ve been to marriage counseling, he’s been to a sexual addiction counselor (went twice), he’s also been to sex addicts anonymous and got a lot out of it for the first month or so. After that he felt it was just a bunch of people trying to impress the facilitator who happened to be the guy who started the whole organization. We stopped marriage counseling because he felt it was all about him needing to change and I didn’t need to do anything. While I agree she focused more on him, his behavior was much more damaging and he did have more changing to do. He just doesn’t like being told he is in the wrong. I have continued counseling on my own and have benefited from it. I hope to eventually get him to see the counselor I’m seeing. I like his approach a lot better than the marriage counselor we saw and while he isn’t a marriage counselor he takes a whole family approach which I think would benefit our marriage.
Hi, I’m looking for a counselor sometimes. I like regular Sex very much actually I like to do it almost every day, it gives me a more positive day I’m the higher drive spouse! And it seems like my wife just doesn’t like sex that much, some times it feels like she even hates sex. And then some times she says, well just do it and then we’re over with it. That hurts because that’s not intimate, or she just doesn’t want it at all what do I have to do then. And sometimes I’m getting mad about it what do I do?
So she hates sex, and you continue doing it to her when she says to just do it, and then you’re mad because it’s not intimate? It seems like your responses are making the situation even harder for her. And most wives need to feel safe and secure in the marriage bed to participate and enjoy the experience: Safety & Vulnerability in the Bedroom
The issue seems to me to be less about you getting the frequency and kind of sex you want (understandable but selfish goal) and you helping her figure out how to enjoy the experience of sexual intimacy. I agree that a counselor would be a good step for you to take. That could help you figure out positive ways to proceed. Many blessings as you move forward!
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