5 Ways to Initiate Sex with Your Spouse

It’s Saturday, which is the day I give y’all a high-five — that is, a high-five list of practical tips or resources to nurture your marriage bed. And today, I want you to get lucky.

So let’s talk about five ways to initiate sex.

Blog post title + illustration of man and woman kissing and hearts above them

1. Plan a special date.

I don’t know what “special” means to your spouse, but you do (or should). If what turns your honey on is romance, line up the babysitter, plan a romantic dinner out, and return home to a bedroom you’ve set up with candles, rose petals, music, and anything else needed for a night of lovemaking.

If you want to go bigger, book a hotel room. If you have kids, also take care of who’ll be watching the children overnight, so your spouse can relax and know that’s handled. Ask your honey to “dress up” (again, whatever that means to you), and take them out for an evening of dinner, dancing, or a scenic walk. Order room service if you want, and spend the night enjoying one another.

And If you’re on the cheap, make a wonderful meal at home, put on something sexy or lay out something sexy for your spouse to wear, and then snuggle up together for a movie and make-out session. See where it leads.

Just be the one to set things up and show that you long to spend time, in and out of the bedroom, with your spouse.

2. Build anticipation with flirtation.

Send a sexy text telling your beloved what you’re looking forward to. Or share a photo of what you plan to wear that evening (like a string of pearls and a pair of lace undies). Leave a note in your sweetheart’s car or work bag telling them what you want to do later. Whisper in their ear what you’ve got on your mind.

Tease by running your finger along your spouse’s skin at the edge of the fabric they’re wearing or using feather-light touches over the fabric at their erogenous zones. Wives, wear a skirt, nix the underwear, and then tell him you’re going commando. 

Just flirt with your spouse in romantic, affectionate, and sexy ways. Express your longing not only to have sex but to give them sexual pleasure to their heart’s delight.

Whatever sexy flirtation you can come up could help you both anticipate lovemaking.

3. Get an inspiring resource.

Buy something for your marriage bed and then tell your spouse you want to try it out. That can anything from a flavored lube, to a bedroom game, to the Ultimate Intimacy app — which has both conversations and games to play. It can involve getting new lingerie to show off and take off.

Hot, Holy, and Humorous 3D CoverOr hey, I hear there’s this fabulous book with all kinds of ideas you can try: Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design. Bookmark a page or chapter to read together and then experiment to your heart’s delight.

A new item for your marriage bed could be just the inspiration needed to get things revving.

4. Grab the goods.

I probably shouldn’t use the word “grab,” since I don’t want you to injure important jewels by being too rough. However, there’s really no doubting what you have in mind when you just reach over and cup his package. Likewise, some wives enjoy having sudden attention given to their erogenous zones, especially breasts.

Now this doesn’t work for all spouses, because some don’t enjoy being “grabbed” out of nowhere. This can especially be an issue for someone has experienced sexual harassment or assault or a young mom who has had kids hands on her body all day long.

But if you both enjoy it, then touching the goodies could give your spouse that clear signal — it’s go time.

5. Just ask.

This may seem like the least sexy option, but it could be the most effective. The straightforward approach might be just what you need, saying something like: “I love and desire you so much. Could we make love tonight?” It could even be as simple as a wink-wink, nudge-nudge, “Do you wanna?” And if you get turned down, ask when would be a better time and then follow through.

A tip for those with lower-drive spouses: Don’t ask, “Are you in the mood?” because the answer is probably no, even if they would enjoy a session of lovemaking. Instead, ask if they’re willing to have sex and how you can help them get in the mood.

“Just ask” may not sound romantic enough, but it worked for the poetic wife in Song of Songs : “Come, my beloved, let us go to the countryside, let us spend the night in the villages” (7:11). Spoiler alert: He said yes.

Pick your pleasure among these five tips or check out my other post on 40 Ways to Initiate Sex with Your Husband, and get things going in your marriage bed!

10 thoughts on “5 Ways to Initiate Sex with Your Spouse

  1. Andrew Budek-Schmeisser

    Though any of this would be unthinkable in my circumstances, I enjoyed reading these ideas (and, honestly, wondering what Might Have Been).

    I’m going out on a limb here (even Asians blush!) but how about, for those with swimming pools and privacy fencing and a place to park the kids, a game of Marco Polo, minus swimsuits?

    Reply
  2. Nick Peters

    I would encourage wives to not try to be subtle. We men are not that great at getting hints. My own wife is really low-drive, but there have been at least three times when she’s been in the mood and hinted at me and I missed it and…..

    Excuse me…..

    I have to go mourn now….

    Reply
  3. Mark

    Nice article,, love all 5 little playful hints as it creates passion between spouses that causes spouses to mentally or physically bond.

    Strangely our “date” is going to start in a few minutes as my wife and I are going to shampoo a couple of carpets in the B & B, she is managing. For some reason we see the romance in that. She needs it done today and me helping her, stimulates her mind and mine as well. (silly,, right?)

    One of the things that becomes a reality after 37 years of marriage, with our kids being adults and we have 3 grandkids, is tomorrow is promised to no-one. So we are choosing to savor every minute of everyday with each other.

    We enjoy reading different ideas in this site, because when it comes to making love or simply cuddling, it truly is all about the experience of being emotionally connected.

    My favorite words in this article is “dating” and “anticipation”. Whether anticipation builds for 2 days or a week or two (because of life’s circumstances) that makes flirting even more fun and playful.
    The string of pearls is nice, may have to buy her some cultured pearls for an anniversary gift!!!

    Intimacy is nice, but ultimately as the years add up, bonding and emotionally connecting is our strength.

    Reply
  4. Lynn

    My husband gets up a few times during the night to use the bathroom. If I’m awake and not sleep-deprived at that moment when he comes back to bed, I’ll ask him if he has any ‘NPT’. Usually he says “I’m ok” but if he says “Well…”, then it’s on.

    Reply
      1. Lynn

        Nocturnal Penile Tumescence. NPT is a handy little term. Sometimes he’s say no and I say, “Would you like to have some?” He usually laughs and tells me to go back to sleep.

        Reply
  5. B

    Oh my. As much as I wish it were different, as much as I don’t want it to be this way, I’m gonna have to agree with number 5.

    I wish I could be enticing and coy, but my husband, as much as I love him, just does not get hints. He seemed genuinely sad when I told him he had probably missed out on sex a couple hundred times because he didn’t respond when I came on to him.

    For a long time I really let this bother me, thinking if he cared or wanted sex with me he would’ve paid attention and caught onto my obvious hints.

    The good news is, I’m finally getting past this and getting over myself and just asking. We have a lot more sex now.

    Yup, I still wish I could just be cute and flirty and that he’d find me irresistible – and I still kinda hate having to ask – but when I just ask, we have a lot more sex. 🙂

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      I think missing hints is more common than you think, B. But regardless, I’m so glad you’re moving past this!

      Reply

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