Godly Sources of Intimacy with Guest Daniel Purcell

I haven’t had many men write for my blog — not that I don’t think they have a lot to say on the subject of God’s design for sex in marriage, but my primary goal has always been reaching wives. But when I came into contact with the creator of a neat little marriage app called Ultimate Intimacy, he told me a bit of his story and I asked him to share his perspective with my readers.

Hope y’all enjoy this as much as I did and that you’ll check out the Ultimate Intimacy app! (More into at the bottom.)

I’ve been married to my sweetheart for 14 years. We’re both active in our faith and church. We avoid R-rated movies, and definitely anything pornographic or salacious.  We have an Internet filter to help protect us and our six kids. We’ve seen friends marriages disintegrate because of pornography and a view of sex that’s more like what you read in grocery store checkout-line magazines.

Although my wife and I had what we thought was a good intimate relationship, there were many things we didn’t know we didn’t know because we didn’t feel safe looking for answers. We were too afraid that reading or watching something wouldn’t be appropriate, so we avoided it altogether. It appeared that it was easier than to navigate what appeared to be a moral minefield.

A Friend Tells Me…

One day a friend told my wife and me that his marriage changed dramatically in the last few months after he and his wife got a few things working really well in the bedroom. He mentioned a community of Christian bloggers that discuss sex in positive and wholesome ways. Let’s just say it was an exciting conversation I don’t usually have on a regular basis!

I was intrigued, but skeptical. I didn’t want to compromise my values, and going online  searching for information about sex seemed scary. However, I was yearning for what my friend had in his marriage. He just seemed so sincere! My wife and I jumped in together and decided to see what my friend was so excited about. This is how we found the blog and book, Hot, Holy & Humorous.

…But Is It Okay?

Besides unanswered questions we’ve always had about sex, we were now introduced to new ideas we hadn’t considered (I guess you don’t know what you don’t know, right?). In addition, we weren’t sure if it was right to be reading tips from other couples of what they enjoy their lovemaking (in general terms). This became our moral dilemma — if reading material like this was right with God. I believe that we can receive answers to prayers and guidance from a loving Heavenly Father, but He expects us to do our homework too.

The answers didn’t come all at once, but little bits at a time. Here were some of our guiding principles that helped us along the way:

  • “Seek and ye shall find” (Matthew 7:7). I believe that God is the source of all truth, including truths about sex. We could rely on him to teach us if we put in the effort.
God is the source of all truth, including truths about sex. We could rely on him to teach us if we put in the effort. ~ Daniel Purcell Click To Tweet
  • God is a giver of good gifts (Matthew 7:11). Although I knew God approved of sex (multiply and replenish the earth!), for the first time I came to realize deep in my heart that God actually loves sex. He invented it! He designed it not only for procreation but for husbands and wives to express love and strengthen marital bonds. As the creator of it, He made it amazing and wants His children to partake fully of this special gift He’s set apart for his children.
  • By their fruit you will recognize them” (Matthew 7:16). To me, this meant I could experiment a little with what we read and observe the outcome. The fruits I was looking for were a strengthened connection with my wife and things that would encourage me to be a faithful and devoted husband. If the fruits are good, then the tree the fruits come from must also be good.

With the above in mind, my wife and I spent a lot of time over the next few weeks talking, reading, and … ahem … doing our “homework.”  

The Fruits of a Healthy & Happy Sex Life

All of the sudden our marriage started to change! The first “fruit” we noticed is we started communicating better about everything, including the sensitive and the sacred. Another “fruit” was those twitterpated feelings from early on came back. We felt like newlyweds all over again, but better! I couldn’t (and still can’t) stop thinking of my wife during the day, just like back in the earlier dating days.

As for our physical intimacy, our frequency doubled, quality quadrupled, and overall marital satisfaction increased by an order of a magnitude. A weekly date night became a real set-in-stone thing. We were sleeping better and our stress levels went down. As a result, there was more peace in the home; it seemed like the kids started getting along better too.

My desire to be the best person I could be for my precious wife increased dramatically too. This meant I had some personal changes to make. Changing one’s habits aren’t easy, and it took some sacrifice on my part but have been well worth it for my dear, sweet angel wife Emily. I could go on further about the blessings we’ve enjoyed, but I think you get the picture.

My Soapbox

Improving the sexual dimension was just a part of our renewed enthusiasm for each other in our marriage. It seems though that a healthy, happy sexual relationship brings out the best in us. It leads people to be honest, true, chaste, benevolent, and to do good. It gives us strength to endure all things and fills our days with hope and excitement for our future. It leads us to honor our vows and be fully committed to each other.

It seems though that a healthy, happy sexual relationship brings out the best in us. ~ Daniel Purcell #marriage Click To Tweet

In our situation, it was knowhow, techniques, and new things to explore to keep things fresh that made the initial difference. Then, like a virtuous cycle, other areas of our marriage improved. When other areas improved, our sexually intimate area improved too.

I learned how important it is to make lovemaking fun and mutually fulfilling. None of this would be possible without feeling safe to explore helpful resources that we could apply in the bedroom. We’re grateful for the brave souls out there that are willing to share what they’ve learned in a healthy, positive, and constructive way. They’re blessing many lives, probably more than they’d ever know.

If there are readers with a spouse who’s unsure about this blog, podcast, books, or Facebook group, I hope they’ll at least read about our experience and reconsider. I want to tell them to be brave and realize there’s a lot of good people out there sharing real experiences based on true principles. I hope they find that learning more about God’s design for intimacy is uplifting, wholesome, and encouraging. And can be really, really fun too!

J again: Be sure to check out Daniel’s app! Trust me—go ahead and pay for the premium. (It’s about the same cost as a Chick-fil-A meal, y’all.) You can thank me later.

Ultimate Intimacy App Banner

10 thoughts on “Godly Sources of Intimacy with Guest Daniel Purcell

  1. Catherine Gray

    Bravo. I second this, and I can’t say enough about you, J. Parker and your site. It was one of the first sites that we found, and it restored our marriage. You see, we didn’t know our marriage needed restored because we had always been amazing communicators. But if you only have sex 3 to 4 times a year, well, there’s a problem. That was the kicker. Neither one of us knew there was a problem because we thought that was simply “okay.” My husband became very vulnerable one night in January, and laid his heart out to me over how he made a mistake 2 years ago and never apologized for it. I taught my girls growing up all the time the dad always apologizes in a 24-hour period; this was actually the first time he did NOT apologize…at all. While I forgave him and moved on, he said (in Jan) that he knew that he had hit the lowest point spiritually as the head of the house and he needed to change. He worked hard at changing, and there was noticeable improvements, however he never addressed the issue with me via communication. After baring his soul this January and finally apologizing the next morning when we woke up it was as if God had peeled a piece of Saran wrap from my eyeballs and I saw my husband in a completely different light. We’re going on 30 years of marriage this August. Our lives have been incredible together, yet both of us fell into a deep dark hole that Satan created to try to destroy our marriage. I don’t even have any idea how I stumbled upon your site, J. But I started to read, and then I devoured.
    Then one night in February, my husband confessed to me that he had done some “manscaping,” shall we say? It was something I didn’t even notice. I asked him when? He said two years ago. I was sad that I didn’t notice but when he brought it to my attention, I was enthralled and delighted. The next step was that he had gotten a ring, (I will leave it at that so others can look it up,) to help him because he was having occasional difficulties with erection. For the past two years, I just assumed he wasn’t very much interested in me anymore. Again, what a terrible way to communicate!? As a doctor, my family can tell me anything, correct? Yet it just goes to show how hard it is to be vulnerable even with somebody that you’ve been with for 32 years. The ring solved a problem and then we started our journey on what I call restorative intimacy.
    Literally spiritually being intimate with my husband because this is what God wanted for us.
    Daniel, I can so relate. I wasn’t sure where to search out there or even what was available in a Christian marriage because growing up Roman Catholic, anything besides PIV is simply “wrong.” ( I have been a recovering Catholic for a long time now :-)) The more I read, the more I shared, the more my husband read and now close to four months later, I can’t even begin to describe how sweet our relationship is. I am off to download the premium app; I’ve purchased your books, J. and I am eternally thankful for you!

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      Thank you so much! What a beautiful testimony. So thrilled you found me and hope you enjoy the app! (I know you will.)

      Reply
  2. The Baby Mama

    I don’t usually comment, but I have to on this one: While I am still walking the journey (It is a journey, right…???) I have seen some amazing things happen in my marriage. And it took lots of prayer, lots of research, a little (lots!!!) guidance which all combined together is intention, i.e. being intentional. I still have a long way to go, but I am excited about the changes being brought about by the Grace of God. Honouring God in your marriage and in the marriage bed is so, so worth it!

    Reply
  3. Eric

    There is a good Catholic book about sex in marriage. It is called:
    Holy Sex!: A Catholic Guide to Toe-Curling, Mind-Blowing, Infallible Loving by Gregory K. Popcak PhD

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      Engaged Marriage is also a website/blog run by a Catholic couple about godly sex in marriage. There are good resources for Catholics out there, but their Church has also had to have an awakening on this topic.

      Reply
  4. Stephanie

    Hi J!
    Enjoying your site! I was wondering about the above commenter saying she was a “recovering Catholic” and about you saying the Church needs an “awakening”? I am Catholic, have been my whole life, and thank God for it and for the truths the Holy Catholic Church has preserved and taught. Catholicism is where true respect for women, marriage, holy marriage l, etc….came from! So I was a little confused by these comments….I am passionate about marriage and hot and holy sex in marriage and I honestly would like to know what it is that people need more from the Church…the Church has written, taught and instructed on all these matters before anyone else. But, I agree it’s hard to find good info these days from Catholic sources on marriage. There seem to be far more Protestant marriage bloggers than Catholic. I agree. So again, in earnesty, I would like to know what you think people are not getting from the Catholic Church? Again, I was raised Roman Catholic, and am raising my six children in my loved Faith, and I feel that my view on sexuality was whole and holy!:)

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      I believe the Church — Catholic and Protestant — has begun address the subject of sex in marriage more thoughtfully and effectively in recent years. For some time, both branches of the Christian faith held views that discouraged sexual pleasure even within marriage, by pitting body and spirit against one another, by implying or sometimes outright stating that sex was intended solely for procreation, and by urging women to be the gatekeepers of sexual behavior before and within marriage. I’m not implying anything about Catholicism that I don’t also believe here about Protestantism.

      You can read more about my thoughts here: Q&A with J: Why Doesn’t the Church Talk about Song of Songs?

      Reply
      1. Trista

        Hi my fellow Catholics! It is nice to see us all here. I bet we felt a little hurt by the first comment…but perhaps in the past, we can all acknowledge, Church members (whether priests/religious or laity) painted sex in negative terms. Official Church teaching was not always correctly conveyed. I think those of us commenting are in our 20s or 30s, and we’ve had better teaching through Theology of the Body. However, even my own mom gave me a message of “Sex is a good thing made by God…but don’t think about or do it until you’re married.”

        For those who were hurt by poor Church teaching, we pray for healing and peace!

        Reply
        1. J Post author

          Yes, I think Theology of the Body was an important factor. I’ve heard such great things about that from long-time Catholics!

          Both Protestant and Catholic faiths have had some historical mistakes that we have needed to address. I’m really glad for those who speak up clearly about God’s design for sex. And I really do think the Church’s message on sex is getting better, slowly but surely.

          Reply

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