Category Archives: How To Tips

5 Reasons to Love a Quickie

Quickie (n). a brief or spontaneous episode of sexual activity.

Quickies should not comprise the majority of your lovemaking. If they do, you’re not giving your sex life enough time and attention. Because the ultimate goal of sex in marriage is intimacy. And you can’t get super-intimate with your spouse in 5-10 minutes.

That said, when you’ve invested a lot of time with someone, those brief encounters can be great touch-base moments. I’ve seen this with texting my best friend in between seeing one another, quick greetings at church with people I later sit down and talk to at length, and quickies with my husband when we also have longer lovemaking times.

With all that in mind, let me tell you why you should embrace—even love—the quickie!

Stopwatch illustration + blog post title

1. You can take the edge off.

One of the primary reasons to have a quickie is because one or both of you is feeling edgy about not having had sex in a while. A while could be a few days or a week, but for higher interest spouses, the longer they go without, the more the desire translates to physical tension.

Some spouses report getting antsy or cranky without both the physical release and intimate connection sex in marriage provides. Having a quickie can sate that hunger until you have more time for a longer lovemaking encounter.

2. You can avoid little-people detection.

When you have young children in your home, it can be difficult to find time to eat a decent meal or take a shower, much less have extended nookie time. Sometimes, 5-10 minutes is all you have, so you make the best of what you’ve got.

Nearly all kids can be left alone for the time it takes to have a quickie. Yes, you might need to put the baby in the playpen, turn on a kids’ show, or drag out the craft supplies and hope glue doesn’t end up on your walls, but you can figure out how to safely make it happen. And then you can figure out how to make the quickie happen.

3. You can bless your spouse.

Quickies don’t necessarily mean sexual intercourse — any brief sexual activity counts. That means you can take a short period of time and use it to bless your spouse by taking care of their sexual/emotional needs or by just making this time all about them.

Specifically speaking, give him a blow job or a hand job. Give her cunnilingus (aka oral sex) or manually bring her to orgasm. You may need to bring out your best plays and a bit of lube to accomplish what you want, but you might well be able to get in a sweet blessing in only a few minutes.

4. You can have it in places other than the bed.

Quickies are great for the shower, the closet, the car… Wherever space is limited, quickies are wonderful option. You may need to get creative enough with positions to make your bodies come together, but check out Christian Friendly Sex Positions or the Ultimate Intimacy app for ideas. CFSP even has the best sex positions for in a car!

By the way, couples often ask how they can still have sex while on a family vacation, and this might be your best bet. You may not be able to get the hotel room all to yourselves, but even a small hotel bathroom could work for a quickie.

5. You can express true familiarity.

Yes, a long, lazy time of kissing, caressing, and lovemaking is an absolutely beautiful, and crucial, experience in marriage. But the quick, playful moments of a quickie also express how well you’ve come to know each other and your bodies. By cutting to the chase of what he/she really likes, you express the familiarity you’ve come to have.

You know just where to touch her. You know just how to stroke him. Even if it’s not that easy to get revved up yourself, you know how to bless your spouse. We’re better at quickies now than when we were younger, because we’re just better with each other.

What do you like about quickies? And what tips do you have to make quickies go well?

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Yes, quickies are covered more in the book!

5 Techniques to Knock Hubby’s Bedroom Socks Off

We can overemphasize the physicality and techniques of sex. But once you’ve built that emotional and spiritual connection in your marriage bed, why not discover some good moves that can bring intense pleasure to your husband?

For many wives, knowing more of what they’re doing in the bedroom empowers them to embrace their own sexuality, feel confident about themselves, and get aroused by the effect they have on their man.

So let’s talk about five ways to knock your hubby’s bedroom socks off!

5 Techniques to Knock Hubby's Bedroom Socks Off + graphic of green socks

Quick warning: Some of the following is pretty specific, so if you visualize as you read, please make sure it’s an image of your spouse in your mind. If you struggle with that, step away.

1. Undress yourself slowly.

How do you eat a drive-through hamburger versus a gourmet chocolate dessert? I suspect your partake of the latter more slowly, savoring every bite. Not that I’m opposed to hamburger days, but why not tease out the experience of undressing yourself as if you’re the gourmet dessert. (You totally are, you sexy wife, you!)

A little background music and low lighting can set the mood. Let your husband know that you’ll do the undressing, and he just gets to watch. Then take your time slipping off each item of clothing and tossing it onto the floor or over to him. For added excitement, a wife can touch herself as she goes, stroking her leg sensually as she removes her skirt, running her hands over her breasts as she removes her shirt, even stroking a finger over her pubic mound or lower as she removes her panties.

2. Give him real access.

Many wives feel uncomfortable spreading their legs really wide. But there’s something really arousing to a husband about his wife confidently, unabashedly opening up that area fully so he can have access to see, touch, and pleasure her.

There are a few ways you can give him real access to your vulva. Sit up in a bed or on a chair, tilt your hips forward, and bend your knees out wide. Or lie down, tilt your hips forward, and make a butterfly pose with your legs. Or spread out full-eagle on the bed, one leg to the east, one to the west. For added oomph, specifically invite your husband into your garden with words, a come-hither gesture, or stroking your own vulva a few times to ready the area for his attention.

3. Make it a “yes” night.

Want to know what turns you both on? It’s actually good if you just tell each other, rather than expecting you both to be mind-readers. But for a twist on that, limit what you say during a sexual encounter to the just the word “yes.”

That is, he can only direct you with a yes and should say yes when something feels good. If he wants, you can do the same. But make sure to vary your yeses, showing your enthusiasm for certain sensations. A whispered “yes” and a shouted “yes” strike a different chord with your lover, so use volume, pitch, and tone to communicate your excitement and enjoyment of sexual intimacy.

4. Stroke the underside.

I’ve written about this area before, but there’s a section between a man’s testicles and his anus that can be especially sensitive. It’s called the perineum, or colloquially you might hear the term “taint.” By stroking that underside, you are in contact with the base interior of your husband’s penis, as well as indirectly stimulating the prostate gland, which can be an erogenous zone for men.

Massage or press that perineum on its own or when giving him oral sex, or hook your arm around to stroke him while engaging in intercourse. Pressure against this area can feel really good and intensify his orgasm.

5. Take charge.

Most husbands love seeing their wives filled with enthusiasm for sex — they want their woman to really get into the experience. And nothing says, “I want this, I want you,” quite like taking charge of the movements of intercourse.

Straddle your husband, and then either squat to use your legs to pump up and down on him or sit and rock your hips back and forth. Add in a hip-circle now and then to mix things up and get a new sensation. You can also use a chair, asking him to sit first, then sit on top of him, straddle the chair, and go at your own rhythm until you, he, or both of you reach climax. (For more ideas on positions, Christian Friendly Sex Positions also has an entire section for Wife in Control.)

And for all kinds of ideas on amping up your pleasure and his, check out my book, Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design.

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Q&A with J: “How Can I Orgasm with Penetration?”

Today’s reader question reflects a common goal for many wives: reaching orgasm through intercourse. Here’s what she asks:

I’m not really sure how to ask this in a way that makes sense, but how can my husband and I achieve bringing me to orgasm with his penis or with vaginal penetration? We’ve been married for a few years and have a wonderful love life, but it frustrates me so badly that I can’t seem to orgasm easily unless he uses his hand or mouth. I’m starting to think there is something wrong with me.

It feels amazing when he’s inside, but it doesn’t take too long and I get so sore down there. (not because he isn’t gentle or patient, either.) Do some people just not work they are supposed to? We’ve tried the whole getting me almost there manually before he goes in but by then usually he’s so close it doesn’t take very long before he goes and then it’s really hard to finish me off, although the dear man makes sure we do. What can we try?

Blog post title + fireworks

Let me start with this question: “Do some people just not work [how] they are supposed to?” There’s a myth in there that women are supposed to orgasm through penetration. But studies have reported that 70% or more of women cannot orgasm through intercourse alone.

I recently wrote about the “golden trio” of deep kissing, manual play, and oral sex that seems to best help women achieve climax. Missing from that list of three is intercourse. Why? Because the engagement of our minds and direct stimulation of the clitoris are the two factors more important in getting us to the pleasure peak.

So if you have difficulty getting there through intercourse, please realize that your body might be working just fine. It’s just that we have unrealistic expectations about attaining orgasm with intercourse, based on what we’ve heard, read in romance novels, or seen in TV or movies.

Now let’s go over some questions to consider and some options to try. Because you likely can, one way or another, have a wonderful orgasm during intercourse.

What’s your C-V distance?

The ability to orgasm just with penis-in-vagina (PIV) intercourse seems to be a function of anatomy, specifically the distance between your clitoris and vagina (“C-V distance”). The “magic number,” according to researchers is 2.5 centimeters.

I suppose you can pull out your measuring tape, even enlist your husband to help, and measure to see what your C-V distance is. But one researcher suggests you can get a good sense of your C-V by simply using the “rule of thumb.” The distance from the tip of your thumb to your first knuckle is about 2.5 centimeters. If you’re around or under that distance, you should be able to achieve climax with intercourse.

However, if your C-V is higher, say 3 centimeters or a bit longer than that first thumb joint, then it’s unlikely you’ll climax through intercourse alone. That doesn’t mean you’re broken (see 70% stat above), but that you’ll have to add some additional stimulation.

What positions and angles are you using?

The traditional missionary position is among the worst for a woman to climax. Since an intercourse orgasm relies on indirect stimulation of the clitoris with his penis, the angle at which he penetrates and thrusts determines how much clitoral contact she feels.

If you’re lying in the missionary position, you can move your hips and legs to bring your clitoral head closer to the action, thus making it more likely that his penis will make contact there. I talk about this stuff in more detail in chapters on positions, what to do with your hips, and what to do with your legs in my book, Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design.

But other positions might work very well for you. Some women report PIV entry from behind as being more stimulating or woman on top allowing her to “grind” against him more. Test out different positions and angles and see which ones give you the most pleasure.

Do you have enough lubrication?

You say it feels amazing when he’s inside, but then you struggle with quickly getting sore. This could happen because you’re going at it for so long, chasing that elusive climax. But it could also be that your body runs out of lubrication. In which case, you should consider what you can do to remedy that.

Lack of lubrication is often a function of hormones, which is why it’s a struggle for many menopausal women. But it’s also a challenge at certain times in a woman’s cycle, meaning you might have an easier time climaxing through intercourse when you are ovulating. Also, if you’re taking oral contraception or on certain medications, they could affect your body’s ability to lubricate sufficiently.

If this is part of the issue, keep personal lubricant handy, apply it liberally, and add it as needed. He can always pull out, add some lubrication to his penis, and then thrust back in. Even if you do this a few times, it could help you go long enough to get to the climax without discomfort.

Why not add manual stimulation?

There is zero wrong with adding stimulation to get you over the edge. Likely, the best way to do this is to get you close to climax, or even have one climax already, and then have your husband penetrate. After that, he can add his hand, or you can add your own, to directly stimulate the clitoral head (the part of your clitoris that sticks out under the clitoral hood).

Get in a position that allows access to the clitoral head. Just a few choices include:

  • “Doggy style” (which fellow blogger Chris Taylor recently suggested we rename “stallion style,” a definite improvement), with your legs far enough apart for him to wrap his hand around or you to reach
  • Adapted missionary with your legs spread far apart, even like a butterfly yoga pose, so that your clitoral head is exposed for touching
  • “Cowgirl” (woman on top) with your hips tilted forward so he can view and reach your clitoral head

Christian Friendly Sex Positions even has an entire section on positions that allow access for manual clitoral stimulation you can check for ideas.

And those who are screaming at me right now, “A vibrator! You can use a vibrator!” Yes, you can use a bullet style vibrator as well to stimulate your clitoral head. I’m personally a fan of first seeing what magic you can work with your hands, but this is a good option for wives who have tried various options and still struggle to reach climax.

Is adding additional stimulation “cheating”? Or somehow less fulfilling than having a climax through intercourse alone? No. It’s engaging in sexual intimacy that is mutually arousing and satisfying to both of you.

You might be able to someday orgasm through intercourse alone … and you might not. Either way, you can orgasm with your husband inside you. And that produces the same wonderful sensations of your vagina spasming around his penis. That’s pretty great stuff, however it happens.

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5 Tips for Choosing a Personal Lubricant

There’s a line in “Jungle Love” by the Steve Miller Band: “Everything’s better when wet.” Well, I don’t know about everything, but that’s certainly true for sex!

However, things don’t always get as lubricated down there as they need to for sexual activity to feel as good as it could. For instance, certain times of the month, perimenopause / menopause, and other issues can throw off the natural system of lubrication.

Thank goodness we have the ability to add personal lubricant to the mix in our marriage beds! And today I want to give five quick tips on choosing a personal lubricant for the sexual intimacy in your marriage.

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1. Figure out your goal.

If you asked me for a lube recommendation, I’d first ask why you want a personal lubricant. Because which one works best depends on the goal.

If your hormones are making lubrication difficult, I’d steer you toward a silicone lube rather than a water-based one, because water-based absorbs more quickly. If you’re looking to add a perk to oral sex, of course I’d say to get a flavored lube. If you’ve had issues with infections, I’d advise you to check ingredients and find an organic, all-natural option.

Thinking about why you want lubricant will help you decide which alternatives are best.

2. Pick a type of lube.

Once you know your goal, you can better choose a type. Types of personal lubricant include water-based, silicone-based, and oil-based. I break down each in this post: Q&A with J: A Guide to Using Personal Lubricant.

When deciding type, you’ll want to look at issues like these:

  • Water-based lube is easy to apply and clean up, but doesn’t last as long.
  • Silicone-based lasts longer and is especially good for sexual activity in water, but sticks longer and is harder to clean up.
  • Coconut oil is all-natural, but has a tendency to break down the latex in condoms.
  • Lubes that purport to warm or stimulate could be exciting or discomforting, depending on your skin.
  • Check ingredients carefully if you have allergies or sensitivities to certain substances.

Figure out the type of lube, and then you can start shopping.

3. Find a quality brand.

Like you, I don’t want to spend money on a product that costs $10 when the $5 one is just as good. That said, there’s a distinct difference between the budget lubricants and middle-to-higher priced brands. Look for a quality brand because:

  1. You’re only using a little bit each time, so even a small bottle lasts a while.
  2. You’ll end up using more with a budget brand anyway because it won’t do its job well and you’ll have to apply extra, and then you’re not actually saving money.
  3. Girlfriend, this is your va-jay-jay. Don’t you think you can spend as much on it as you would a restaurant meal?

Now, despite writing about sex as much as I do, I have not tried every brand of lubricant. (Unless they all send me samples, that would get expensive.) But of those I’ve tried, I consistently recommend Sliquid and Good Clean Love. I’ve also heard good things about Swiss Navy and Slippery Stuff. But do a little research, and you can figure out what’s worth trying.

4. Decide where to shop.

Part of what brand you buy depends on where you shop. Admittedly, if you go to Amazon, you’ll find nearly every option there. But if you head to your grocery store, you won’t find Sliquid but you might find Good Clean Love. Then again, you might rather purchase online so you don’t run into your child’s Sunday school teacher while standing in line with your tube of lube. Regardless, your actual choices will depend on where you buy.

Now I’m a fan of purchasing from Christian-based online retailers, because (1) they specifically carry products that promote the marriage bed, (2) they are picky about what they stock so what you find there is typically high quality, and (3) they affiliate with websites like mine so you can bless a ministry while you’re at it. Two options I endorse are:

Honoring Intimates sells lingerie, as well as lubricants and other intimacy aids.

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Affiliate Link for Hot, Holy & Humorous

Marriage Spice carries a range of marital aids and intimacy products, including lube.

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Affiliate Link for Sex Chat for Christian Wives Podcast

5. Try different lubes.

If you use a lube and don’t love it, try something else. Or simply try something else to branch out and have options. For example, you might use coconut oil most of the time but keep one flavored lubricant around just for those times when oral is on the menu. Or you might prefer water-based but want a silicone-based lube on hand if you decide to go for shower sex.

Honestly, you probably won’t find your favorite personal lubricant on the first try. It may take trial-and-error. That said, I bet you and you spouse can think of plenty of ways to conduct this personal research!

Now go do something that requires you pull out some lube. You might find your weekend really is better when wet!

Q&A with J: Engaging Your Mind in Lovemaking

A while ago, I talked about having over 300 emails in my inbox. Through various efforts, I’m now down to 69 messages. (And yes, I do see the humor in that.)

Slowly but surely, I’m trying to get to the remaining questions either directly or through posts. And today’s question is from (gasp!) May 2017. But it’s such a good one, I wanted to cover it today. Here’s what the reader asks:

I have a question about “engaging your mind.” I’ve read from various Christian intimacy bloggers that many women need to engage their minds in order to be aroused. I feel like this is true for me, but I’m uncertain how to do it in the holiest way. I often feel guilty if I visualize anything because it usually involves other people (not specific people just general other people), or other situations, think anything that doesn’t necessarily involve being happily married. I know it’s a flesh desire, and I have learned, whether I meant to or not, that the arousal from that thinking is very fleeting and doesn’t help me feel close to my husband. So I don’t allow it, but then I feel like I can’t let loose. So what does it mean to engage your mind without turning to something sinful?

Blog post title + silhouette of woman with colored lines swirling through her head

I periodically talk about all the myths that romance novels perpetuate, and I’m no fan whatsoever of erotica, but there are some things the romance genre gets right. And here’s one: Not once have I ever read a love scene where the woman was mentally going through her to-do list, fantasizing about some random guy she saw in a movie or a magazine, or thinking yeah, that feels okay, but I’d rather be watching Netflix.

Oh no — if you’re going to write a romantic, passionate, or even sexy scene, your main character is going to be into it. Seriously into it. Sure, she might think about how she wishes she hadn’t worn the granny panties tonight, but most of her thoughts are about what she’s seeing, hearing, feeling, tasting, and touching. She’s sinking deeply into her senses, as well as her emotions about the man with whom she’s making love.

Much as I hate to grab any wisdom from the pages of a bodice-ripper, I think they’re onto something here.

But wait a minute… God was way ahead of the romance section of your bookstore! Thousands of years ago, He made sure we have examples of what it means to engage in your mind in lovemaking with your spouse. Together let’s visit a book I’ve mentioned quite a bit on my blog (and in my books): Song of Songs, a poetic exchange between husband and wife, lover to lover.

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It begins like this:

Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—
for your love is more delightful than wine.
Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes;
your name is like perfume poured out.
No wonder the young women love you!
Take me away with you—let us hurry!
Let the king bring me into his chambers.

What’s her mind doing here? She’s thinking about the sensations and taste of her husband’s kiss and his oh-so-appealing scent. Also, how much she loves him, and even how his stellar reputation is alluring. She imagines getting whisked away by this particular man to make mad, passionate love!

Whew. Wipe off your brow, y’all — that was sexy.

Now as much as I’d like to go through the remaining 7¾ chapters, breaking down all the amazing takeaways, that would be an insanely long blog post. Instead, I encourage you to go read it for yourself. And notice where and how these lovers engage their minds.

Focus on your five senses.

Instead of fantasizing about someone or something that’s not in the bed with you, how about paying attention to the sights, sounds, smells, tastes, and touches of lovemaking. There’s a bounty of all that going on, and you can train yourself to tune in to it.

While making love, ask yourself what your senses are experiencing, and revel in those sensations. This practice is really what people now call “mindfulness,” where you increase your awareness of what’s right around you and learn to attend to it more fully.

Here’s an example from the husband in Song of Songs attending to the senses:

Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride; milk and honey are under your tongue. The fragrance of your garments is like the fragrance of Lebanon” (4:1).

Open your eyes.

It’s harder to think about someone or something else when you’re looking your spouse in the eye. Or really, anywhere on their body. Oftentimes, we find it uncomfortable to keep our eyes open, because there’s vulnerability in that — especially given that our facial expressions during sex can be rather curious, shall we say.

But looking into one another’s eyes, taking in the sight of our beloved, and even watching intently where and how your bodies connect can also be beautifully intimate. And it can help your focus remain right there, on the wonderful husband with whom you are making love.

Here’s one example of how the Song of Songs wife gazed at her husband:

His eyes are like doves by the water streams, washed in milk, mounted like jewels.
His cheeks are like beds of spice yielding perfume.
His lips are like lilies dripping with myrrh.
His arms are rods of gold set with topaz.
His body is like polished ivory decorated with lapis lazuli.
His legs are pillars of marble set on bases of pure gold.
His appearance is like Lebanon, choice as its cedars (5:12-16).

Use your voice.

It’s also hard not to concentrate on what’s happening right here and right now if you have to describe it. So speak up and talk about what you’re seeing, what you’re sensing, what you desire. Express the depth of your feelings for your husband through everything from “I love you” to “You rock my world, baby!”

All of that can keep your mind preoccupied on coming up with relevant thoughts and translating that into words. Besides, verbal expression can also increase the arousal factor in your marriage bed.

Consider this was something the husband in Song of Songs requested:

My dove in the clefts of the rock, in the hiding places on the mountainside, show me your face, let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely” (2:14).

Keep on trying.

One reason we fail when we try to engage our minds is we give up too soon. Distractions invade, and we push away the first one or two, but then others come and it feels hopeless. How can we ever stop getting sidetracked? And especially if those rabbit trails lead to greater arousal?

But retraining your mind isn’t a one-day workout program. You’re in a marathon, girlfriend. When that first stray thought comes in the middle of lovemaking, push it aside. Then push aside the next one, and the next, and the next…and so on. Replace each with the kind of engagement discussed in previous points — for instance, shifting your thoughts from that one general guy to gazing into your husband’s eyes. Do this again and again, and you’ll build a new habit. And your pleasure will be even better because it will be all you and all him engaging intimately in the marriage bed.

Remember this verse from Song of Songs:

Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave.
It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame.
Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot sweep it away (8:6-7).

Your marital love is unyielding. Lean into that — mind, heart, body, and soul.

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