Category Archives: How To Tips

Q&A with J: “What Are the 7 Erogenous Zones?”

This was such an intriguing reader question, I just had to answer it.

Hey there ūüôā¬†I have a question and thought since you’re so knowledgeable you could help. There’s a friends episode where Monica teaches chandler about the 7 basic erogenous zones. If you haven’t seen it just google. My question is….what are those 7 zones?!

Title with man and woman head silhouettes

When¬†Friends aired, I was a fan. Unfortunately, the series got more PG-13-ish the longer it ran, so I fell off watching after a while. But I definitely remember the characters. Here’s the clip this reader refers to (and this is not a video you want your kids to watch with you):

Monica’s statement that “everybody knows the basic erogenous zones” is obviously overstated. Even the two other people in the scene didn’t know exactly what Monica was talking about.

But what are these seven erogenous zones? Wouldn’t it be nice to know?

And so the internet has pondered this question. Not only can you Google for this video, you can run a search for “Monica’s 7 erogenous zones” and several articles and chats will appear with people conjecturing which areas of the female body are the most erotic.

Ultimately, we don’t know what Monica was talking about. Because this was just a bit — a comedy bit. Maybe the writers in the room had seven places in mind, but I doubt it. Having written a few stories myself, I know that sometimes hints are more effective than complete explanations. This is an example, because this scene got people wondering what Monica sketched on that pad and talking about this episode with others. More buzz about the episode = more people watching = higher ratings.

But from all the research I’ve done about sexual arousal, and reading through some of the interesting posts on these erogenous zones, I’m willing to take my own stab at where most wives like to be touched and stimulated.

1.¬†Hands. Do you remember the spark you felt the first time you and your husband held hands? That cozy feeling of your softer hand in his rougher one, the way his fingers intertwined with yours, and how your palms seemed extra-sensitive to his touch? So what if a bunch of years have passed — touching hands is still sexy. I’m putting them in the erogenous zone category.

Because in addition to holding hands, he can gently stroke your palms, give you a hand massage, suck on your fingers. Those are all very sensual activities, and you might want to point out that your hands are one way to your heart. Or, to get his attention, you could always say they’re a great pit stop on the way to “seven.”

2. Lips. Our lips are quite sensitive. The skin of our lips have fewer cellular layers (3-5) than face skin (up to 16 layers), and many sensory receptors are concentrated there. Moreover, when you get close enough to kiss, you also get a whiff of your beloved’s pheromones, which can kick your desire into gear.

I’ve written about the importance of kissing several times, but here’s one post to get you thinking about this erogenous zone:¬†You’re Not Kissing Enough

3.¬†Neck. I’d like to provide scientific data on why touching and kissing the neck is so sexy. But honestly, this one is based on hearing from¬†so many women that they like it. And frankly, it’s part of many book and movie romance scenes, and if this practice didn’t appeal to women, it wouldn’t be.

One theory is that the neck is both sensitive to touch, but also a rather private area. After all, whom do you let touch your neck? So exposing it to your beloved feels both vulnerable and arousing. Now some wives are too ticklish there, but plenty of gals enjoy a husband working his way up or down her neck with his lips.

4. Breasts. How you like them handled depends on you, but most wives enjoy being aroused through their breasts. You might enjoy your whole breast being held, massaged, or squeezed, or you might prefer total concentration on your nipples. Wives vary in sensitivity, so let your husband know what you enjoy.

It might change as stimulation increases, meaning you want him to start gently but desire greater pressure as you get more and more turned on. But very few women don’t enjoy¬†something in this area. (Breastfeeding moms, you get a pass on this one if it bothers you right now.) Our breasts are pretty erogenous.

5.¬†Vulva.¬†Vulva¬†is a catch-all term for the external female genitalia. It includes your vaginal lips (labia), clitoris, vaginal opening, and more. I’m going to remove clitoris from this list, because it deserves its own section. But the other parts are sensitive to varying degrees and can be aroused with manual or oral contact. In particular, the labia and vaginal opening are sensitive.

Your husband probably doesn’t understand that you’d like him to spend a little more time here, getting your engine revving and your juices flowing. It’s all so close to the part he really wants to be¬†in¬†that the vulva can get short shrift at times. Ask him to massage or lick your labia, tease your vaginal opening, and generally explore down there for what feels good.

6.¬†Vagina. I suspect most husbands think this is Erogenous Zone #1. And it’s certainly in the running. When you’re highly aroused, having your husband penetrate your vagina is an incredibly satisfying feeling. Even before then, many wives enjoy digital penetration (his finger inside) to get them going.

God uniquely created vagina to receive your husband’s penis, and you can experience many amazing sensations there, using various positions and angles. He might even make contact with your Skene’s glands or G-spot. It’s a wonderfully erogenous area, and nothing feels quite like intercourse.

7.¬†Clitoris.¬†After some consideration, however, I decided this was “seven.” Because if you want to have an orgasm, you need direct or indirect stimulation of your clitoris. You can get indirect stimulation through intercourse, but intercourse isn’t guaranteed to produce that orgasm. Direct contact¬†is an easier way to achieve climax.

But it has to be the right kind of stimulation. As Monica said, some guys hit the early zones, then “go to seven and set up camp.” Yet it’s unlikely to feel good if your husband kisses you a couple of times, then starts in on your clitoris. Stimulation there is going to feel much better when your lubrication is sufficient and your clitoris begins to swell. Guide your husband to give this erogenous zone the attention it desires and enjoys.

Are those really the seven erogenous zones?

No. They’re my suggestions. My online research proposed several other possibilities: scalp and hair, ears and ear lobes, stomach, buttocks, behind the knees, feet and toes.

Which should remind us that God created us differently. I give a lot of how-to tips here on my blog, but you have to try things out and see what gets you — and your husband — going. Your seven erogenous zones may not be the same seven erogenous zones as other women.

And, to confuse things even more, your seven erogenous zones could¬†change! Because our bodies change throughout life. What felt good before you had kids might not feel as good after, or what felt good when your body was 25 years old might not feel the same when you’re 52 years old.

So here’s my advice: Treat your whole body as a potential erogenous zone. Yes, you’ll immediately be able to knock certain locations out of the running (“You want to kiss my armpit? I don’t think so!”), but you might be surprised to discover what turns you on.

Also, what turns your husband on. Maybe licking the skin behind his ear drives him utterly wild. Or he adores you squeezing his bum.

That’s the beauty of sex in marriage — you have time and a safe space to explore. Take your time and enjoy the discovery of all the erogenous zones you can find!

Why You Should Try This Sex Position

If you listened to our recently launched podcast, Sex Chat for Christian Wives, episode two, you heard myself, Bonny of OysterBed7, Gaye of Calm.Healthy.Sexy, and Chris of The Forgiven Wife talk about the benefits of trying various sexual positions in the marriage bed. I’ve written about positions as well here on my blog and in my book,¬†Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design.

But at some point, that podcast conversation got to this exchange:

I’ve been mulling that moment over many times since. Funny as it was at the time, it really is a problem for many Christian wives to try sex “doggy-style.” (In case you’re unfamiliar with that position, you can find out more¬†here, courtesy of christianfriendlysexpositions.com.)

Why You Should Try This Sex Position with sketched bed in background

First, let’s talk about the arguments against this position. I’ve heard, from various Christian wives over the years, two main protests about incorporating it into their sexual repertoire.

1. It’s named “doggy-style.” And when you hear that, you immediately picture a female dog in heat and a male dog going at it with all the intimacy that a Super Bowl viewer feels for his next potato chip. (Yum, that was great ‚ÄĒ let’s move on.)

Your brain says,¬†This is how animals copulate. And you don’t want to be an animal. You’re human, with human emotion and depth and desires. How can you let yourself be treated like the stray bitch* in the neighborhood?

It’s true that the vast majority of animals have sex facing the same direction, but primates such as bonobos and orangutans also mate face-to-face and dolphins mate belly-to-belly. And there’s a rather funny depiction of other animal sex positions in this popularly shared post:¬†What If Humans Had Sex like the Rest of the Animal Kingdom?¬†It doesn’t make you an animal to use a sexual position used by pets, livestock, or the wild kingdom.¬†Because so much else is entirely different ‚ÄĒ especially the emotion, communication, and intimacy involved in sex in marriage. That, not the position, distinguishes your very human¬†marriage bed.

2.¬†He’s looking at my butt. Yes, I get it. Especially if your derri√®re is not your favorite part of your body. But even more so, I’ve heard women wonder why a husband wouldn’t want to look her in the face. Isn’t that far more intimate?

Actually, there’s something quite intimate about giving your husband access to view your body from all angles. Men like feminine curves, and from behind, you’ve got a lot of curvy-ness for his eye to appreciate. Indeed, I’ve heard a man compare a woman’s bum to an upside-down heart shape, which is quite a lovely thought and makes it understandable why a husband might find that appealing.

Sex is the whole kit-and-caboodle. And you’re probably not eye-to-eye the entire time, no matter what you do. So perhaps you can invest in face-to-face moments, but then not worry about the view from behind when you switch to this position.

But why should you try the rear-entry position? Even if it’s okay to engage in, what are the advantages to this position?¬†Let me give you a rundown of some benefits.

1.¬†You’re more likely to orgasm.¬†Originally, I had this lower down on the list, and then I thought,¬†This should get top billing!¬†Having your husband enter from behind means that he’s more likely to stimulate the G-spot and could even make contact with your Skene’s glands (which, while not orgasmic per se, is an interesting sensation). He can also provide direct clitoral stimulation by reaching around and touching you, or you can stimulate the clitoris yourself. Point being: You’re more likely to feel pleasure and sexual satisfaction.

I could end this post right here. Isn’t that a sufficient reason to give it a shot? But…

2.¬†He can thrust deeper.¬†Your husband, and you, might enjoy this position as well because he can go deeper. The angle, especially if you tilt your bum upward, permits him to slide more easily and deeply into the vagina. Even though you don’t necessarily feel the entire length of his penis inside you (see here), it’s a pleasurable experience for him to go all the way in and to have his hips touch you when his penis enters completely.

3. Other areas can be stimulated during intercourse. As I said before, your husband, or you, can stimulate your clitoris during intercourse from this position. But he can also reach around and fondle your breasts and caress your derrière. And you can reach down underneath and stroke his testicles or the length of penis that extends behind his testicles. Yes, other positions allow access to these areas, but you might give rear-entry a try and see what you can touch and pleasure.

4.¬†It’s more comfortable for women with a tilted uterus. I’ve mentioned this before ‚ÄĒ that my uterus was rather tilted before childbirth, making rear entry a more comfortable position. Honestly, I can’t tell you why this is true, because your husband is only entering your vagina, but there is a sense of pressure on that tilted uterus if the position isn’t a good one. So if you have a tilted, or tipped, uterus, you might want to try this position to see if it doesn’t work better for you.

5. It’s a good option for pregnant women. When you’re seven or eight months pregnant, your belly is in the way. But, unless your doctor says otherwise, sex doesn’t need to be off the table. You can still have sex, but you’ll need to change positions. Woman-on-top might work, but rear-entry is also a great choice.

6. Did I mention you might orgasm more easily? Oh yeah, I guess I did.

Anyway, if you haven’t been a fan of “doggy-style” or haven’t tried it in a long time, why not give it a shot? If it makes you nervous, remind yourself that it isn’t animalistic ‚ÄĒ it’s creative. And he likes the way you look, from the front and from behind. Moreover, the pleasure he can bring you from this position will make you both feel good.

And yes, I do think we should rename this position. Doggy-style, rear-entry, unicorns and rainbows … there’s got to be something better. You’re welcome to make a suggestion in the comments.

(*Do not write me hate mail. “Bitch” is an accurate, appropriate word in this usage.)

Q&A with J: How Do I Express What I Want in Bed?

Last week, we talked some about difficulty reaching orgasm, and we’re back at it again today. But it’s a different issue with this wife, who needs some specific tips. Read on:

Do you have any tips for communicating with your husband during intercourse? Hubby and I have been married less than two years, and with most of that entailing some pretty serious physical issues, let’s just say orgasms for me have been hard to come by. We’re finally getting back on track, but still struggling with getting me “across the finish line.” I know we’re supposed to give our husbands in-the-moment feedback, but I literally can’t even figure out how to use words to describe what I want! And what words I can come up with, just the act of thinking and then speaking completely derails any momentum we had going, so end up either frustrated or bored trying to figure out how quickly I can wrap things up! I have tried guiding hubby’s hands but that ends up being more awkward and cumbersome than trying to speak! We talk outside of the bedroom, and I still have a hard time conveying specifically what I might want. And when I tell DH to try changing things up or experimenting a little, he seems to just go back to exactly what he’s used to doing! i love my husband dearly, but it’s like if I don’t give him point by point (by point by point by point) instructions he will always default to the same non-effective thing. Is it really completely my job to completely figure out and explain everything? (If you say yes I’ll believe you J ūüôā any tips for us?

Fessing up, I think communicating verbally during sex is one of the most awkward things I’ve done. Have you ever watched a lovemaking scene on-screen where someone said, “Hold on, I need you to move your hand a little to the left. Okay, there. Softer”? No. No, you have not. What do the scripts say?¬†“I love you,” “You’re beautiful,” “You’re my soul mate,” etc.

And that’s all great. But sometimes you’re right in the throes of passion and intensity is building, and you know ‚ÄĒ just know ‚ÄĒ that if he could touch you differently, just a bit, you’d plunge into the orgasm pool¬†with a great big¬†aaaaah. So how do you help him know what brings you the greatest pleasure?

Let’s start with the last question this reader asked:¬†Is it really completely my job to completely figure out and explain everything?¬†No, it’s not. Ideally, you figure out together what works best for you. For instance, even though I’ve encouraged women to explore their own sexual organs to see what feels good so they can then translate that knowledge into the marriage bed, your hand and his hand feel different. So you still have some discovery to do¬†together.

This is actually pretty cool, the way God designed sex. Rather than viewing it as an obstacle, it’s an opportunity take a guided tour of your spouse’s body and explore this amazing territory.¬†What happens when I touch you like this? Do you like it when I kiss you here? How about here? What are your most sensitive places? How can I stir your sensuality and satisfy your senses? What can I do to take you over the edge?

So how do you do experiment and find out what works?¬†Because that’s the first step. You can’t tell somehow what you like if you’ve had no experience with what you like. And it sounds like you two are doing this in the midst of making love. Maybe you need to step back, put intercourse on the back burner for a bit, and actually have a session of exploration, experimentation, and experience.

When you’re not focused on having intercourse or reaching an orgasm, you can slow down, take your time, and see what feels good. If you can swing it, it might be worth you stripping down but him leaving on his clothes, so that the focus is totally on you and your pleasure. Do this once, twice, or a few times, and it might be rather eye-opening for you both.

But even when you’re in the middle of exploration or foreplay,¬†how do you know what you want? Do you really want more pressure or less? To be touched higher or lower? To have him go slower or faster? This is a mindfulness exercise for us women. We have to be very focused on what’s happening with our bodies. We have to mentally concentrate on the sensations we’re feeling and then think,¬†What might feel even better?

It’s often very intentional at first. You purposefully set out to think about what you’re feeling, what might feel good, ask for that, then adjust ‚ÄĒ moment by moment, touch by touch. But it’s like learning anything else: after a while, you get better and know more quickly and intuitively what you like. Also, most husbands begin to read their wives better, recognizing certain kinds of tension in her body or sounds she’s making indicate greater pleasure.

But what words do you use?¬†It depends somewhat on your own communication style. But, like you, I’ve found that forming words during lovemaking can be difficult at times. So I think a limited vocabulary can help in getting what you want. Keep it to single words and short phrases you can quickly get out and he can quickly respond to. Like¬†softer, harder, faster, slower, up, down, deeper,¬†etc.

Mind you, you might have to use opposite words in a row. Like if you say¬†harder and he gets too rough, you’ll need to say¬†softer to get him to back off¬†little. By the way, hubbies, this is¬†not a critique of your sexual performance. We’re actually more impressed with your lovemaking when you’re willing to listen to our suggestions and help us figure out how we can experience the most pleasure. Good lovers listen and learn.

Good lovers listen and learn. Click To Tweet

What about your momentum? Yeah, it’s interrupted. Once again … at first. When you start talking during lovemaking, it feels awkward and can disrupt your flow. But trust the process. Just because you’re playing scales now doesn’t mean you won’t be mastering Bach tomorrow. In fact, you have to play the scales first.

So let it be awkward. Even be playful about it.¬†Faster, slower, there ‚ÄĒ yeah, baby¬†[insert giggle here]. Feeling free enough to be a little off-kilter in the moment with your spouse increases intimacy. Because you’re sharing in this discovery, these private moments, and your eventual success.

One final thought: It’s okay to add yourself to this mix. I have encouraged wives to simply move his hand where you want it (hard to ignore that signal). But you can also put your own hand where you want to be touched and say here. Or even take over the direct stimulation, so that he can do something else that arouses you ‚ÄĒ and together, you bring yourself to climax. Not only is that okay, some husbands find it exciting to see their wives touch themselves. It shows them how¬†into it she is.

I believe you can make this work and experience intimate lovemaking and amazing climaxes. May God bless your efforts!

Q&A with J: Adding Variety to Your Marriage Bed

Today’s question is about variety in the marriage bed. Specifically positions, but I’ll deal with a bit more than that.

… my husband wants more variety. We mainly stick to two positions, missionary and me on top. They are great but I am self conscious about other positions like rear entry or reverse cowgirl. My husband would also like to do positions that show off more of my lady parts. I’m not sure what those would be. Any ideas?

Messy white bed and pillow, in the morning - with blog post title

If you’re going to do only one position, you’d probably start with missionary. It’s face-to-face, he’s putting forth most of the effort, and everybody’s heard about it. It’s also the most often seen position in movies and on TV.

Add one more, and you’ve likely gone to woman-on-top. Which is an excellent addition because the husband gets a great view, the wife gets more control over the action, and many women have an easier time orgasming with this angle.

But that’s a limited repertoire ‚ÄĒ¬†two positions ‚ÄĒ¬†and it makes sense to expand your options. You might¬†find that variety increases your pleasure, the engagement of your five senses, and adds to your shared experiences. And you’ll likely find some favorites among positions you haven’t yet tried!

Let’s start with the self-consciousness about rear entry or reverse cowgirl. Because I totally get it. Waving your behind at your husband during sex can feel a little … awkward. I used to feel anxious about facing the other way from my husband. I wondered:

  • Why doesn’t he want to look into my eyes?
  • Is he more comfortable not looking directly at me during sex?
  • How can a front-seat view of my butt be attractive?

One day, I finally asked: “Why on earth would you want to see me from that angle?!” His explanation helped me understand why a husband would be interested in this position. For one thing, there’s a lovely view of your curves, including a heart shape created by your derri√®re and downward. Then there’s the ease of gripping your hips and thrusting from that angle. Plus, coming into the vagina from behind can allow deeper penetration, which often feels good to both of you.

Whatever your reasons for feeling self-conscious, I suggest you do some relaxation breaths, remind yourself how beautiful you are to your husband and how good this will feel, and then give those from-behind positions an honest try. After several times, I suspect your nervousness will subside, and you might discover you enjoy these options as well.

As for other “positions that show off more of my lady parts,” it’s less a matter of this sexual position or that sexual position than how you move your own body parts. Let me explain what I mean.

Are there numerous positions? If you go look up sexual positions, you’ll see a bunch of options. The well-known Kama Sutra names 64 positions.¬†But if you actually look at them, you’ll see those positions are variations on a few themes. You’ve got sitting, standing, lying down, and then you figure out who’s on top, which way y’all are facing, and where your arms and legs are.

Understanding that there aren’t a gazillion completely different positions can ease anxiety¬†or lack of confidence about trying things. Because once you’ve done some basic stuff, it’s really a matter of moving limbs and changing angles and so on.

How can you create variety with those changes? The same position can feel very different, and quite possibly more pleasurable, once you loosen up and move your legs and hips. For instance, the missionary position has greater potential for deep penetration and contact with your clitoris (hello, female pleasure center!) if you hike your hips upward and plant your feet on his chest or over his shoulders. That’s considered a new position, but it’s basically a tweak to Lying Down, Man on Top.

With your hips, when you’re lying down, try tilting them up. If/when you engage in rear entry, tilt your hips down (bum up). Honestly, a sex pillow can help if you want assistance getting into the right angle. Not only might that feel better to you, but it will give your husband a better glimpse of your “garden.”

The placement of your legs also can help with his view. In the missionary position, you can spread wide, either with your legs straight or your knees bent. If you can still do a butterfly pose (which I never could do in any gym class, but maybe you can), you could give that a try as well. In the Woman on Top position, you can try squatting instead of sitting, which gives you a bit more control but also exposes your genitalia to his sight.

What about the other activities? If your husband wants the best views of your body, those are likely more available with foreplay. You could let him use his hands to stimulate you, and he can do this from various angles. Again, tilting your hips and spreading your legs will provide better access.¬†If you’re both into oral sex (called cunnilingus for women), that’s another way he can get up-close-and-personal. The view is pretty clear when you’re, um, down there.

But even him touching and stroking your naked body ‚ÄĒ moving himself and his viewpoint around as he goes ‚ÄĒ could add some variety and pleasurable exploration for you both. He could also give you a massage or rub lotion on your skin.

What more can you do for variety?¬†Let’s go back to your original question (and not just your husband’s desire to see more of you *wink wink*): How can you get more variety in your sexual intimacy while minimizing all those self-conscious feelings?¬†It’s not just positions or activities that achieve this goal.

Here are some ideas to play into your desire to lessen your nervousness and increase your engagement. How about some bedroom games? You can find some ideas on my Christmas gift posts, or by visiting on online Christian retailer of marital aids, or simply adapting one of your current games for your use, like strip poker or strip Battleship. What about setting the mood? You can add candles and music, and maybe even slow dance naked before you make love.

How about what you wear? Or adding more communication to your lovemaking? Or trying that missionary position in your car’s back seat or a tent in the backyard? Or stripping down and then reading love poetry or the Song of Songs to each other? Check out my¬†40 Ways to Initiate Sex with Your Husband¬†for more ideas.

Just get creative. Think of your marriage bedroom not only as a holy place of deep connection ‚ÄĒ which it is ‚ÄĒ but also an intimate playground where you can enjoy one another and your own pleasure. As Song of Songs 5:1 says: “Drink, be intoxicated with love!” (HCSB).

Q&A with J: Can Christians Get Sex Tips from Cosmo?

Today’s reader question is a practical one and worth covering.

I have a question that I would love to get your thoughts on: Is it “OK” for a Christian woman to go to secular websites (such as Cosmo) for sex tips? I do this every so often to find new positions/foreplay ideas/etc. Obviously, there is a ton of trashy/sinful stuff that goes against God’s Word (porn, threesomes, etc.) and I bypass this. As for sex positions, they are obscure drawings…..but is that considered “pornographic material?” I don’t feel like I’m going against my conscience in looking at these sites, but to be honest, I would feel awkward telling my girlfriends (or even my husband) that I do, I guess because Cosmo has a rep for being trashy. But, are there Cosmo-type Christian sites to get ideas?? Yours is the closest thing I’ve found (for which I’m grateful! As is my husband. ;). But it’s not as detailed as what I can find on secular sites. Anyways, I’m interested to hear your opinion!

Q&A with J Can Christians Get Sex Tips from Cosmo

While standing in the grocery store line, I sometimes pick up the latest issue of¬†Cosmo magazine and flip over to an article titled something like “14 New Ways to Drive Your Lover Wild!” or “Do These 3 Things for a Stronger Orgasm!” ¬†Am I looking for ideas? Not really. I’m just curious what they have to say.

But to gather ideas, I have looked through secular sources like books in used bookstores, articles from websites unaffiliated with Christianity, and studies conducted by state universities and research labs. Even if they don’t share my values, they can have useful information.

You can guess my general answer based on what I do, but the complete perspective requires some clarification. (Please read to the end, because the most important conclusions are at the bottom!)

Lay a strong foundation. At one point in my life looking at¬†Cosmo magazine articles on sex would have been a very bad idea, because I didn’t have a godly view of sexuality. You need spiritual maturity to keep your Christian perspective intact while looking through secular sources ‚ÄĒ that is, a strong foundation.

In Ephesians, the apostle Paul speaks of the importance of¬†God’s people being fully equipped so that “we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming” (4:14). But I suspect more Christians believe they’re mature enough than really are. 1 Corinthians 10:12 always warns: “So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don‚Äôt fall!” Apparently, people can think they’re standing firm, and still be susceptible to falling into temptation.

I can’t tell you when your foundation is strong enough. But I do know what it feels like. I can actually look at more now because I mentally blow off anything that falls short of the beautiful lovemaking I’ve experienced that matches God’s design. At the same time, I’m less interested in looking at anything that wanders from His truth, because it feels like a waste of time. Maybe that’s a paradox, but it’s one way I know that my foundation is solid. And I think that’s the place to start.

Exercise your filter.¬†It’s impossible to avoid all stimuli that contrast with our worldview. Every day, we have to be able to sort through all the messages and choose what’s good and true … while discarding the lies and temptation that Satan wants to put in our path.¬†It’s smart that the reader said, “Obviously, there is a ton of trashy/sinful stuff that goes against God’s Word (porn, threesomes, etc.) and I bypass this.”

Some secular sources have good information we can access and use, as long as we use discretion and wisdom. For some time, the best sexual position site I’d found was a secular, UK-based site that had some too-revealing images on certain pages but their positions section had tastefully drawn images and excellent descriptions. So I made the conscious effort to avoid anything untoward on their website while accessing the areas that met my moral standards.

In fact, my sharing an article or post on social media doesn’t mean I agree with everything on a website. I’m presuming my smart readers will check out the article or post, but filter through anything else on that site that might not agree with biblical teaching. As Proverbs 2:9-11 says, “Then you will understand what is right and just¬†and fair ‚ÄĒ every good path.¬†For wisdom will enter your heart,¬†and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul.¬†Discretion will protect you,¬†and understanding will guard you.”

Know your weaknesses. I don’t keep candy bars in my house. It’s just a very bad plan, because I know how quickly I can devour chocolate if it’s easily within reach. I don’t have a poor foundation of health, nor would I only eat chocolate and avoid broccoli. But it’s a weakness … so I’m better not to plant that temptation in my house.

I don’t know what, if any, weaknesses you have regarding sexuality. But if something appeals to or arouses you that you know isn’t good for you, you’d be far better to avoid it. Which might mean flipping past an article or images or simply putting the¬†Cosmo back on the shelf.

So take stock and ask yourself¬†honestly, deeply, mercilessly whether there’s something you shouldn’t expose yourself to. If something would turn your thoughts away from your husband or God’s design for your sexual intimacy, maybe you should pass over that resource. Just know your weaknesses going in.

Seek better resources.¬†At one time there was a scarcity of quality sources regarding Christian sexuality. But that’s changed! Yes, we still have strides to take in discussing this topic more in churches and small groups and friend circles. But as for articles, books, podcasts, video classes, etc., I can name a¬†lot of current sources. I have a books I recommend page you can check out. And¬†HEY, I wrote a whole book with lots of how-tos, all from a Christian perspective, and you can find it online and in many Barnes & Noble bookstores:¬†Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design.

Remember how I mentioned that secular website where I accessed a positions section? That was years ago, and now there’s Christian Friendly Sex Positions. So why go to a site with lots of stuff I don’t agree with when there’s another website that provides all that information from a biblical perspective? New Christian resources arrive all the time, including¬†Awaken Love’s recent video class launch¬†that gets pretty specific.

Also, you need to think about who you’re supporting.¬†Cosmopolitan‘s cover price is $3.99. I personally don’t want to put that money into the pockets of people who shove cleavage and sensational headlines at me and everyone else every single month.¬†Especially when $4.99 will get me an ebook of Sheila Gregoire’s¬†31 Days to Great Sex or some other Christian resource. So if you’re actually purchasing the magazine, think about whether that’s really where you want your hard-earned money to go.

So¬†can you get sex tips from¬†Cosmo? Yes, I think you can. But¬†whether you should depends on several factors, and it’s best to make spiritually sound resources your initial go-tos. On that note, Julie Sibert of¬†Intimacy in Marriage has been doing a series highlighting marriage blogs and has a blogs and websites page¬†listing quite a few resources.