Category Archives: Marriage and Sex Humor

Most Embarrassing Moments during Sex

So what’s the most embarrassing moment you’ve had during a sexual encounter with your spouse? Here are a few that many married couples will experience at one time or another.

The clothes won’t come off. Did anyone else watch “Happy Days”? I remember Richie Cunningham being worried about how to unhook a bra. (Thankfully, it was a family comedy, and to my knowledge he was too good a guy to actually do that.) But as his best friend “Potsie” proclaimed, “You don’t just say ‘open sesame,’ and it unhooks!”

It can be awkward trying to remove clothing: He goes for the bra hook in the back, and it’s actually in the front. His boxers gets stuck in the zipper, and you can’t get the pants off. He pulls your shirt over your head, and your earring catches (“Ow! Stop!”). In the passionate rush to get naked, the last thing you expect is a wardrobe malfunction. It’s like driving down the highway at 65 mph and suddenly hitting a parking-lot-style traffic jam.

Just pause and deal with the issue at hand. No one has ever been entirely unable to remove clothing and had to walk around with his boxers stuck in his pants zipper for days. You’ll get it worked out, and then the fun can continue.

You wore those panties today. You know the ones. That pair of underwear that sits in the back of your undies drawer and comes out only on days when you’re feeling crampy or forgot to do laundry . . . or you just felt like being lazy and super-comfortable. Suddenly, he proposes a little recreational activity, and you’re game. Why not? Until . . .

Oh no! You realize a little too late that you’re wearing those panties — the ones that remind him of his frumpy and grumpy grandmother with that one blackened tooth. Hardly the image you want him to have for your lovemaking moment.

You can ignore it and see if he even notices (He might not if he’s focused on getting those panties off you). You can brush it off with a joke: “Hey, you said I looked sexy in anything I wore. Just testing that theory.” Or you can excuse yourself briefly before he catches sight of the granny panties: “Hold that thought. I’ll be right back.” Then you can return and let him discover you not wearing undies (always a hit).

Fumbling, stumbling, and tumbling. I’m putting all of these in one category, because it’s essentially about physical awkwardness and possible injury as a result. Examples? He lies on top to kiss you and yanks your hair. You trip on your way to the bed. You reach over to stroke him . . . and rack his balls. He starts to thrust and your head begins to whack the headboard. You fall off the bed.

When you imagine the perfect sex, just remember that movie sex is choreographed. Real sex is two independent people joining their bodies together in intimacy and pleasure. Sometimes it looks like a contest-winning ballroom dance . . . and sometimes it looks like your first attempt to do the Macarena (“Where do my hands go?”).

If you injure your partner, apologize, readjust, and move on. Be willing to laugh at the ridiculousness of the moment, because this is just one more memory that the two of you alone will share and smile about later. And ladies, be gentle with his testicles. From what I can tell, it’s like being shocked in the nether regions when a husband gets racked during sex.

Gaseous moments. Has one of you ever farted in your bed? No? (Oh, that was from the couple married just one week. Just wait, newlyweds, it will eventually happen.)

“Hey, I think I’ll eat a pot of beans and fart right as we’re beginning sex tonight!” said no one ever. If your beloved farts before, during, or after a sexual encounter, it wasn’t intentional. They couldn’t help it. Your response may depend on whether it’s a flatulence noise, sound + stink, or what my husband calls an SBD (silent but deadly). But whether you stay put or create a little distance until things settle down, try not to act like it’s a huge deal or like your husband just couldn’t wait to drop that bomb in the bedroom. And if you did the farting, smile and say “oops,” then move on. Of course, you could also do what I’ve done: Blame the cat.

Another gas-related moment is the queef. What is a “queef”? A queef is a vaginal fart. It’s not uncommon for sexual thrusting to plug up some air into the vaginal passage that then gets released in a farting noise . . . right from the ol’ hooha.

When this happens, what’s a proper lady to say? (Really. I have no idea what a proper lady would say.)

Most men are aware that this happens, and that it isn’t the same as a stink-bomb from the other place. It can be a tiny sound or a rather big one, but either way it’s your body’s natural way of expelling extra air. It shouldn’t change anything you do sexually. Just think of it like sound effects. Laugh a little and keep going.

Somebody walks in. That “somebody” can be your child, your house guest, your parent, your in-law — anyone who’s in the same location with you and can work a door knob. It’s likely the most embarrassing moment of all, because it’s no longer just between you and the hubster. Your private moment has been invaded! (Let’s hope they at least didn’t see those panties.)

How does this happen when you’re very careful? I’ve heard of couples who locked the door, but the door didn’t shut all the way, so it didn’t take. Others are in locations where locking the door isn’t an option. Perhaps they were supposed to be alone all night, but their kid unexpectedly stopped by to grab something he forgot. Maybe the in-laws came for a surprise visit. (“Surprise!…Oh. My.”). Also, I have one child who could pick a basic lock at age three. You never know what could happen.

If it’s a young child and you can gloss over the moment easily, go ahead. They do not need to be privy to your sexual life. They will eventually figure out that Mom and Dad play a different version of Twister, but they don’t need the details . . . especially at a young age.

If the young child sees quite a bit, you may need to explain in simple terms, like “Mom and Dad are having special married couple time” or “Sometimes mommies and daddies like to get naked and touch. God made that a special thing for marriage.” Use your own words and gauge what information is right for your child. But don’t feel compelled to make this an hour-long birds-and-bees talk just because they saw their parents having sex.

But if it’s an older kid, teenager, or adult, and they could tell what was happening (no matter what stage you were at), they don’t need explanations. They knew what was happening and now want to bleach their brains (the teenagers, twice). Send them out and/or cover up quickly, then trade apologies — them for barging in, you perhaps for not barring their entrance. Suggest ways to avoid something like that happening in the future. And if it takes a while before you can make eye contact with them, yeah, that’s understandable. It is rather embarrassing.

But all of these embarrassing moments can be survived. In fact, these moments can become the stories you tell each other that get you laughing. Eventually, you can compile The Varied Adventures of Marital Sex. (Hey, I’m already on Volume 2 in my marriage.)

So what’s been your most embarrassing moment during sex? What other embarrassing things can happen while making love with your spouse?

A Little Marriage Humor from Jeff Foxworthy

Summer schedule can get a little crazy, and today I’m out-of-pocket with a local ministry task. While I’m out, please enjoy a little marriage humor from Jeff Foxworthy:

This video is from Married People Media, who offer marriage resources for churches.

How’s Your Sex Sense of Humor?

See that blog title up there. Yeah, up there. Hot, Holy, and Humorous.

One of my major tenets about marital intimacy is that sex is, well, funny. God must have a real sense of humor to make us get in that position and moan the way we do and then to throw kids in the mix and have us try to stay quiet and then have our bodies age and droop a bit and so on and so on.

Part of being able to truly enjoy God’s gift of sexual intimacy is embracing that it often will not look like a sex scene from a romantic novel or movie. Sometimes, it might look more like slapstick comedy.

But letting that lighthearted tone into your bedroom, being able to go with the flow and laugh together brings you even closer. It gives you and your hubby that wink-wink shared experience of lovemaking. I have a friend who can actually say to her husband, “Remember that time we set the bedroom on fire?” Yeah, there’s definitely a story there — a memory that they, and they alone, share and that makes them grin every time.

So today is a fun little QUIZ!

Yes, I’m a quiz girl. I love those “What kind of friend are you?” and “Which character are you?” quizzes. So I’ve come up with my own quiz below. It should only take a few minutes (just 6 questions), and results are immediate.

(One quick note: I’ve never used this quiz software before. You don’t have to use your real name, and it won’t ask for contact information. There may be ads, but I’m hoping and praying that they are appropriate. If not, please let me know!)

So what did you think? Do you agree with the results? How would you rate your sex sense of humor?

A Seussical Sex Life

In a recent post, 10 Confessions of a Marriage & Sex Blogger, I mentioned that I often have maybe 10 posts outlined in advance. Well, the following one I wrote a full year ago!

Why haven’t I posted? Because I vacillated whether someone would be offended by my use of “wham-bam-ma’am.” I used the phrase because it sounds whimsical, it rhymes easily, and it worked. However, the typical use of the phrase “wham-bam-ma’am” does not represent the way I look at sex, and anyone who reads my blog knows that. It’s never my intent to offend, but rather to enlighten and encourage. But at the nudging of a dear friend, I’m going to trust my readers to go in with a lighthearted attitude as I offer the post below. That phrase worked in the poem, and the theme of the poem is something I do want to get across.

***

green eggs & ham

Is your sexual intimacy like green eggs & ham?

With all due respect to Theodor Geisel, the author fondly known as Dr. Seuss, I will be using his fabulous book Green Eggs and Ham. This famous text has been adapted over and over to various themes. Today I’m wondering if you can relate to a Seussical sex life.

Husband – “Needy Man” (or could be higher drive wife)
Wife – Main character (or could be lower drive husband)

Do you like
that wham-bam-ma’am?

I do not like it,
Needy Man.
I do not like
that wham-bam-ma’am.

Would you like it
here or there?

I would not like it
here or there.
I would not like it
anywhere.
I do not like
that wham-bam-ma’am.
I do not like it,
Needy Man.

Would you like it
in our house?
Would you like it
with this spouse?

I do not like it
in our house.
I do not like it
with my spouse.
I do not like it
here or there.
I do not like it
anywhere.
I do not like wham-bam-ma’am.
I do not like it, Needy Man.

Would you? Could you?
In a car?
Do it! Do it!
Here I are.

I would not,
could not,
in a car.

Pull-out quote

You may like it.
You will see.
You may like it
just with me?

I would not be so free.
I would not, could not — no, not me.
Not in a car! You let me be.

I do not like it in a car.
I do not like to go that far.
I do not like it in our house.
I do not like it with my spouse.
I do not like it here or there.
I do not like it anywhere.
I do not like wham-bam-ma’am.
I do not like it, Needy Man.

Say!
In the dark?
Here in the dark?
Would you, could you, in the dark?

I would not, could not,
in the dark.
Not in the dark. Not in a car.
Not so far. Not so free.
I do not like it, Man, you see.
Not in our house. Not with my spouse.
I will not do it here or there.
I do not like it anywhere!

You do not like
that wham-bam-ma’am?

I do not like it,
Needy Man.

You do not like it,
SO you say.
Try it! Try it!
And you may.
Try it and you may, I say.

Man!
If you will let me be,
I will try it.
You will see.

Say!
I like that wham-bam-ma’am!
I do! I like it, Sexy Man!
And I would do it in the dark.
And I would do it in a car.
I’d go that far. I feel so free.
It’s so good, so good, you see!

So I will do it in our house.
And I will do it with my spouse.
And I will do it here and there.
Say! I will do it ANYWHERE!
(Okay, not anywhere.)

I do so like
that wham-bam-ma’am!
Thank you!
Thank you,
Patient Man.

Has your marriage experienced anything like this poem? Can you relate to anything in it?

By the way, it’s National Poetry Month. 🙂

Sex Initiation Lines: The Good, the Bad, and the Funny

The Cosby Show ranks as one of my favorite family sitcoms of all time. In one episode, Cliff and Clair Huxtable finally get a night away from the stresses of parenthood when they book a room at a local hotel. All these years later, I remember Cliff’s terrible effort at initiating lovemaking with his beautiful wife.

This strikes a chord with me even now because my get-to-the-point husband often skips the romantic words and lets me know in a more direct way when he is interested in physical intimacy. I started to think that I should write these bad sex initiation lines down. I did. Here are a few on my list:

In the bathroom as I’m putting on my moisturizer: “Do you want to copulate this morning or wait until this evening?”

As I’m putting on my clothes in the morning: “I thought we were going to mate.”

In the afternoon after I promised in the morning that we’d make love that day: “I think you owe me a good time.”

Lying on our bed as he’s watching a game and I’m reading: “Do you want a real-quick quickie?”

“You’ve got to service me later.” Albeit we had agreed on lovemaking that day, so he was attempting to redeem a promise.

Taking off all his clothes and lying on the bed: “You can have your way with me now.”

Thankfully, my husband is married to a gal who looks for opportunities to laugh. If he’d been serious in any of those approaches, he’d have been shot down faster than a North Korean missile over California.

In fact, when I shared with my husband that I’d been collecting his bad sex initiation lines, he responded, “That’s funny. I’ve been record-keeping, and in my book those were successful lines.”

Wow. Have I really set the bar that low? *grin*

This exercise did get me to thinking about how husbands and wives likely view the words used for sex initiation a bit differently. We generally sense that men are visual, women are verbal. The temptation for men is porn; for women, erotica. A “guy flick” is filled with action, while a “chick flick” is filled with conversation. A 20-month-old girl typically has twice the vocabulary of a 20-month-old boy.

However, the stereotypes aren’t true for everyone, and the assumption that women speak a whole lot more than men isn’t supported by research. Yes, Tim the Tool Man, hubbies can use their words.

But what words do we wives wish our hubbies would use to initiate sex? Well, Cliff Huxtable eventually masters it. He expresses how he feels about his wife, letting her know that his desire for physical intimacy is connected to the intimacy they have in other areas of their married life.

My husband has also said some of the most beautiful things I’ve ever heard. Those are moments that I treasure and that awaken my desire to be physically intimate with him. I’m not going to share those because they feel so perfect and personal.

But generally, the best sex initiation lines involve one or more of the following:

  • Affirming her beauty
  • Explaining what makes her special
  • Expressing appreciation for what she does
  • Describing what sexual intimacy means to you on a deeper level
  • Proclaiming committed love
  • Thanking God for His gift of marital intimacy

Of course, not every encounter must be worthy of Cyrano de Bergerac. And sometimes, those bad sex initiation lines are funny enough that they work.

But when you read Song of Songs, it’s clear that the Lover totally knows how to use words to make his bride feel beautiful, loved, and desired . . . before he announces his sexual intent.

How beautiful you are and how pleasing,
my love, with your delights!
Your stature is like that of the palm,
and your breasts like clusters of fruit.
I said, “I will climb the palm tree;
I will take hold of its fruit.”

Song of Solomon 7:6-8

Not bad, huh?

So how do you handle sex initiation in your marriage? Are the words important to you? Do you have any of your own less-than-spectacular sex initiation lines to share?

Sources: Sex Linked Lexical Budgets; Cognitive Gender DifferencesBible Gateway