Category Archives: Marriage Blogging

Q&A with J: Good Websites for Husbands About Sex

Since I started blogging in 2010, there has been a flourishing of websites like mine — Christian women devoted to helping other Christian women pursue holy and pleasurable sexual intimacy in marriage. We come from different perspectives, but many of us share a similar mission.

For instance, I’d count all of my Sex Chat for Christian Wives podcast partners: Chris Taylor of The Forgiven Wife, Gaye Christmus of Calm.Healthy.Sexy., Bonny Burns of OysterBed7. Two other favorite voices are Julie Sibert of Intimacy in Marriage and Sheila Gregoire of To Love Honor and Vacuum. Also, the wonderful Juli Slattery of Authentic Intimacy, Keelie Reason of Love Hope Adventure, Ruth Buezis of Awaken Love, and Jessica McCleese of Be Fully Well. (And I’m going to look at this post later and think of someone I forgot!)

When it comes to wives and the issue of godly sexuality, there are so many more resources now than when I was younger. If you are a wife in need of a biblical perspective and practical tips to address sex in your marriage, I now can say with confidence that there is a resource out there for you. It may well be mine, but if not, you’ve got other places to look.

If you are a wife in need of a biblical perspective and practical tips to address sex in your #marriage, I now can say with confidence that there is a resource out there for you. Click To Tweet

BUT I frequently hear from both wives and husbands asking about parallel resources for husbands. Yes, there are blogs for men, but not that many specifically written toward men. And I’ll be honest: I don’t think there are enough.

Blog post title + illustration of man's shirt with necktie (bow shaped in a heart)

I have enormous respect for several male bloggers who have written well about sexual intimacy in marriage — Paul Byerly of The Generous Husband, Scott Means of Heaven Made Marriage, and Brad Aldrich of One Flesh Marriage, just to name a few, but we need more.

And I really would like to see some godly men speak out on issues that could use more focused treatment, like:

  • Lower drive husbands writing for other lower drive husbands to show them how to be sexually engaged in their marriage
  • Husbands sharing how porn is no longer a temptation, because they overcame it and you can too
  • Older men sharing how sexuality changes in later years and how to keep that intimate spark alive
  • Pastors addressing how to responsibly promote godly sexuality in the Church, with real-life ideas for teaching and ministry

As you might surmise, I believe in strong women. Yet I also believe that for godly sexuality to have its revival in the Church, it needs men to champion the cause.

For godly sexuality to have its revival in the Church, it needs men to champion the cause. Click To Tweet

So when I receive questions like “Where are the blogs or books like yours…but for men?”, I have a few suggestions, but I’d love to have more.

That said, I’m not even sure blogs or books are the best way to reach men. My own husband is less likely to read a whole marriage book than he is to listen to a podcast.

Men often respond well to short snippets of information that get to the point and then allow them time to process the idea. So perhaps the ministry on sex to husbands should look different, with such resources as:

  • A video series in church
  • Daily reminders in his email inbox with a godly sex tip
  • A mobile app with Christian sex ideas (oh hey, there is one of those now—see below!)
  • A podcast for men on how to foster their marital intimacy
  • Short online videos with marriage bed tips
  • Online communities (Facebook or elsewhere) for husbands to plug into advice and support

My suggestions are not intended to diminish anything already happening, but I’ve love to see more. Because I still get these questions, and I don’t like how easily I can come up with answers for the ladies but fewer answers for the gentlemen.

Also, I don’t like that many of the resources for husbands focus almost exclusively on sexual sin. Not that we shouldn’t help men break free from porn, refrain from lust, and avoid adultery — we should! — but husbands don’t merely need to turn away from sin but turn toward God’s design for sex in marriage. Many of them need to know how to effectively nurture sexual intimacy with their wife.

Now instead of me advising a bunch of other stuff, I’m shortening this post so I can hear from you in the comments!

Husbands, what resources do you believe would be helpful in encouraging you toward biblical and beautiful sexual intimacy in your marriage? And yes, you wives are welcome to comment! 

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800 Posts, Mostly about Sex

If you’d told me that I would be blogging for seven years, put up 800 posts, most of which have been about sex, and have thousands of people regularly reading them, I’d have said, “Excuse me, I need a vacation from just thinking about all that.”

Actually, I still want that vacation.

But rather than a vacation, I’ve been on a journey. I started in December 2010 with a Blogger site, writing one post a week and agonizing every time my finger hovered over the Publish button. I was sending my thoughts about sex into the world! A subject I was passionate about, but that not everyone was comfortable discussing.

Still, I believed that:

  • Sex mattered in marriages, more than people often spoke aloud.
  • The Word of God had far more to say about sex than I’d known while growing up or struggling with premarital promiscuity.
  • God wanted me to do something with my story of redemption—and wouldn’t leave me alone until I did!

Seven years later, here’s my blog by the numbers:

Pardon that pause. I had to be awakened from my faint with smelling salts. Because good gravy! those are some big numbers.

But the number I don’t have—the number I’m curious about, but don’t need to know—is how many marriages God has strengthened through Hot, Holy & Humorous.

He deserves all the credit. While I believe wholeheartedly in what I do, and think I do it well, even that comes from God.

As Paul says in 1 Corinthians 3:4-7:

For when one says, “I follow Paul,” and another, “I follow Apollos,” are you not mere human beings? What, after all, is Apollos? And what is Paul? Only servants, through whom you came to believe—as the Lord has assigned to each his task. I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God has been making it grow. So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow.

I’m just glad I got to be part of the gardening. (Because in real life, I suck at gardening.)

And you have made my journey so much nicer! I started this venture alone — well, me and God — but along the way, I’ve encountered so many who have trusted me with their stories, invited me to share what I’ve learned, encouraged me with generous words and deeds, and thanked me for whatever part I’ve played in their journey to a stronger, more intimate marriage.

As we approach Valentine’s Day, I simply want to say thank you to my brothers and sisters in Christ who have kept me and this blog going. You’re all sweethearts!

Now go bless your spouse with your love! And a little bow-chicka-wow-wow, while you’re at it. 😉

And DO NOT FORGET, this sale ends soon. Don’t miss it!

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Merry Christmas from J

For to us a child is born, to us a son is given... And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Isaiah 9:6

Praying that you and yours have a lovely Christmas. If you have any spare time, you might want to check out some of the following gifts I’ve offered readers in the past.

2011 – A Christmas Card to My Readers

2012 – Love & Sex Coupons for Christmas

2013 – My Gift to You: Christmas Intimacy Playlist

Under the Mistletoe short story cover - Title + sprig of mistletoe2016 – A Free Christmas Short Story for You!

And if you don’t have access to Amazon or the Kindle app, you can get a PDF of the story HERE.

I will be taking a holiday break this week to spend time with family, but I’ll be back on New Year’s Day with more encouragement for your marriage and your marriage bed. Many blessings for the remainder of 2017!

Hurricane Harvey & Me

In case you hadn’t heard, there’s a big hurricane in South Texas. Hurricane Harvey barreled through Rockport, just north of my hometown of Corpus Christi, and is hovering inland and dumping buckets and buckets of rain.

I’m in the Houston area, on the Galveston side. In the last 24 hours, my town has had somewhere around 15 inches of rain dumped on it. And it’s still raining pretty hard.

Hurricane Harvey radar snapshot

Pic from spacecityweather.com, a great resource for Houston weather

Let me assure readers that I and my family are fine. We happen to live on a street that has never flooded, not even in Tropical Storm Allison (the last storm here responsible for major flooding), and the water puddles in my yard are nowhere near our house.

However, I do have friends impacted, and I ask that you pray for them. Additionally, I need to let y’all know that I might be back up and running on schedule this week. Or I might not.

Because more rain and power outages are expected. We currently don’t have internet, so I’m posting this through my phone’s mobile hotspot. And most importantly to us, we may need to turn our attention to opening up our home to any friends and family who are affected by flooding.

Stay safe wherever you are. I’ll be back as soon as I can — tomorrow, I hope — but in the meantime, I’m praying that God carries you and your marriage through the storms of life and you find calm and happiness.

When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
For I am the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;

Isaiah 43:2a, 3a

Praying for Marriage Blog Readers

This week, I’m not asking you so much to pray for your marriage — although you should keep doing that! — but I want to focus instead on praying for other readers.

Blog post title + two sets of hands praying on tops of Bibles

In the comments and emails I receive, I see the wide variety of questions, struggles, and victories couples have in the area of sexual intimacy. If you read through comment threads on marriage blogs, you see some of that as well.

From time to time, I will answer someone with “I’m saying a prayer for your situation.” And then I do it, right then and there.

I used to say, “I’ll pray” or “I’ll be praying,” but I have to admit that I did a very poor job of tracking who I wanted to be praying for. Some people are great at this, but what organizational skills I have don’t really extend to my prayer life. Instead I found that it was better to pray for the couple when I felt emotionally moved in the moment and when their story was fresh on my mind.

Sometimes, couples are dealing with great conflict over sexual intimacy in the marriage, sometimes it’s a blind spot one spouse has regarding sex, sometimes it’s a lack of communication or bad theology, and sometimes — God be praised! — it’s redemption and healing in the marriage bed. All of these circumstances are worth bringing before God and laying them at His feet.

But while much of our prayer is done privately, there is power in a group praying together for the same thing.

“‘Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them‘” (Matthew 18:19-20).

In Jesus’s direct teachings about prayer, 33 of the 37 times he uses the plural “you.” (You know, if the Bible would adopt the Southern “y’all,” we could clear all that up.) It’s also interesting that the Lord’s model prayer, part of the Sermon on the Mount, uses the plural: “Our Father…Give us today our daily bread…Lead us not into temptation…”

I just love those comments when one reader offers to pray for another reader. Because I think we’re tapping into something really amazing when several people pray for someone. Some possible benefits are:

  • The peace and hope a reader feels when they know others are praying for them.
  • The community we all feel when we pray for one another.
  • The power that God unleashes when we come together in His name. (See Acts 4:23-31.)

Marriage bloggers do pray for their readers. But I invite you to pray for them too.

Pray that those seeking marriage help find the blog, book, or other resource they need. Pray that those who read this blog, and others, come with open hearts and minds, truly desiring God’s design for sex in marriage. Pray that those struggling in their marriage will find practical answers, emotional support, spiritual guidance, and personal healing. Pray that sexual temptations will be overcome. Pray that those who have begun the process of improving their sexual intimacy will have the strength and perseverance to continue along that path. Pray that those who find victory will give glory to God and share their testimony with others.

And if while reading through the comments, you are touched by someone’s situation, say a prayer for the couple right then and there. You’re also welcome to reply to that comment (with your name or something anonymous like “A Friend”) and tell that person you’re praying.

Let’s pray for each other — for individuals, for marriages, and for marriage beds.

Source: Lifeway – Sermon: The Priority of Praying Together – Acts 6 by Lloyd Stilley; GotQuestions.org – What is the importance and value of group prayer?