Category Archives: Praying for Marriage Bed

When I Prayed for His Sexuality, and God Answered

Man sitting on bed (view from the back) + blog post title

Sometimes I wonder if wives who read my blog think things like: Oh, that J — she’s got sex in marriage figured out and has never struggled like we have.

Au contraire, mon amie!

I’ve written before about when my sex life sucked. Yes, it did. And I know how it feels to believe that improving your sexual intimacy is going to be a hard road. Even though you know the journey is worth it, you’re looking forward to that road with about as much excitement as a week’s-worth-of-groceries trip through Walmart with past-their-naptime children.

But this weekend, I was going back through old journals. Yes, I used to keep journals, though I haven’t done that consistently for years. I found entries in one from the time I went through a women’s Bible study based on The Power of the Praying Wife.

Chapter 4, and thus week 4, is titled “His Sexuality.” The author, Stormie Omartian, is not saying that her sexuality doesn’t matter — it most certainly does — but the focus of this study is on how to better pray for our husbands. So the chapters focus on praying for him.

When I read the prayer I’d written for that week, I knew I wanted to share it here, so you’d all know that things weren’t always terrific in J’s household — that it really is possible to improve the sexual intimacy in your marriage.

In my journal, I refer to my husband by name, but on my blog and social media sites, I’ve always referred to him as “Spock” because he is so much about expressing logic, and not so much about expressing emotion. (If you want to know more, read Does Your Husband Stink at Romance? Mine too.)

Without further ado…

The Prayer I Wrote

Lord, I know that sex is a gift from You, which You designed specifically for husband and wife. Spock and I have struggled for a long time now with having the time and ability to experience this gift fully. Please bless us in our sex life. Help us to overcome obstacles and share our bodies with one another in the way You intended.

Please help us to find more time and energy to have sex. Help us to reach out to one another with affection throughout our days so that our sex is a natural flow of our intimacy and touch.

Lord, please held my body respond as it should to stimulation. Help Spock and me to agree on the priority that sex should have in our lives. Please give us the perspective of being unified in our lives — including physically. Thank You that my sex drive has returned somewhat and continue to increase my interest.

Please help Spock and me to remember that our bodies belong to each other. Help us to be willing to offer ourselves to one another and enjoy one another’s wonderfully made body. Help us to respect one another in deciding when to have sex — engaging each other when we should and being patient when we abstain. Give us unity in our sex life.

I know that’s all pretty vague. But I can break down exactly what we were going through from other notes in the workbook.

The Problems I Detailed

Frequency has been low because of finding time with young kids around and my pain (which recently abated).

Want sex more often, and with more affection preceding.

[My husband will] (1) Ignore me the rest of the day, then want to have sex. (2) Approach me just after I’ve been consumed with the role of mother. (Mind you, these were my feelings at the time, and that first complaint probably doesn’t reflect reality or how he saw it at the time.)

I think exercise is the most important thing I could do to make him and me feel better about my body. I’ve also begun to care for my skin better. I also need to find ways to “refresh” myself from the exhaustion I often experience.

So yeah, we weren’t having sex much, we weren’t prioritizing it, we weren’t laying the groundwork of romance and affection beforehand, I was struggling to switch from mother to lover, pain had been an issue, I didn’t feel good about my body, and I was just flat-out exhausted. Sound familiar to anyone?

Look backing, it’s funny how much of my prayers for his sexuality were really about needing God to act on my sexuality.

Look backing, it's funny how much of my prayers for his sexuality were really about needing God to act on my sexuality. Click To Tweet

And while it took some time, God answered those prayers. I’m not saying we’re 100% now in all those areas. By no means! But our sex life was clearly unsatisfying then, and it’s improved a lot since. Moreover, when we face obstacles now, we’re much better talking about our sexual intimacy in ways that help get us back on track.

The Challenge for You

Some of you face challenges now that sound like these I’ve shared. Some face far greater heartache. All I want to do today is issue a challenge to write your prayer down. Ask God for what you want to have happen in your marriage bed.

Ask God for what you want to have happen in your marriage bed. Click To Tweet

Then keep that prayer tucked away somewhere, so you can revisit it later. You might revisit it a few times and feel like you’re still stuck on the same stuff, but keep reading my posts, my books, other great marriage resources, and — most importantly — what God says about sex in His Word; keep praying; and keep pursuing the best for your spouse and your marriage.

You might have that great experience that I did of finding your prayer and thinking, Oh yeah, God is faithful, God is good. And my marriage bed rocks!

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Asking Others to Pray for Your Marriage

One benefit of being in Christian community is having other people pray for you when you’re in the midst of a struggle. There is both comfort and power in praying for one another.

There is both comfort and power in praying for one another. #marriage Click To Tweet

But when my husband and I struggled in our marriage, I don’t recall asking others for prayer. Our problems seemed too personal, too private, and too risky to share with others. What if people looked at us differently after learning how close we were to divorce? What if they responded not simply by praying but offering ongoing advice? What if they shared our problems with others — that is, gossiped about us?

Good relationships require vulnerability and trust. I talk a lot about that in marriage and specifically the marriage bed, but you also need those traits in friendship. And they should be present in a loving church.

Of course, should be doesn’t equal is. Some church communities provide a safe and supportive environment, but some of you have been burned, so to speak. I ache for you, and I pray that you don’t blame God or the Church at large for the failings of some of His people.

But Christians should intentionally create an atmosphere in which individuals and couples can present their concerns to fellow believers and know that they will be covered with prayer, support, and compassion.

To get the support you need, however, let’s think practically about how you can ask others to pray for your marriage and even the sexual intimacy in your marriage. How much should you reveal? And to whom? How can you effectively request the kind of prayer you need?

Blog post title + small group of believers praying together

Determine who to speak to.

Easier said than done, right? But generally speaking, you have two good options:

  1. A person or couple who knows you and your spouse well, and will therefore be invested in maintaining your privacy, following through with prayer, and going to God on behalf of not only you individually but your marriage.
  2. A ministry leader, including a pastor, whose calling is to care for the individuals and relationships in the church. Oftentimes, people in such positions have established policies about how to handle information shared in confidence and a sense of accountability to pray for parishioners.

Be clear about what you’re asking.

Dumping all of your marriage concerns, especially if they involve sexual intimacy, on someone can overwhelm them. What does someone do with that information? They want to help, but what role should they fill?

Make your parameters clear: “For the time being, I’m just asking for you to pray about our situation.” If you’re pursuing other avenues of improving your marriage, tell the person what those are, so they don’t feel like they have to be your marriage’s personal champion. For instance, “we’re seeing a marriage counselor, but I could really use additional prayer” or “I’ve been reading up on the issues in our marriage bed, and I’m still figuring out which path for healing to pursue. Could you help by praying for our marriage’s direction?”

It’s a good idea to let supporters specialize according to their spiritual giftedness (see 1 Corinthians 12:4-11, 1 Peter 4:10). Some people have deep compassion and a heart for prayer; others have excellent practical advice for your marriage; and yet others have a calling and training to deal with serious marriage problems. Be clear that you’re not burdening a single individual to fulfill all of these roles. You just want this person or couple to be your prayer ally.

Don’t reveal more information than you should.

Explain what’s happening on a need-to-know basis. What specifics do these advocates need to have when going before God? You don’t want to a friend or church leader to know details that make them highly uncomfortable or that make them see you or your spouse in an unnecessarily bad light. There’s a reason why TMI has become a well-known acronym; don’t make your prayer advocate want to use it about you.

This is especially important regarding struggles in the marriage bed. No one needs or wants to know your specific sexual activities, the size or nature of anyone’s body parts, or what you two have privately said to one another in your bedroom. At least no one that you recruit to pray for you. If you need help with such issues, take them to a qualified individual, whether that’s a physician, a pastor, or hey, a Christian sex blogger. Dump them on people ready and able to address those problems, but give your prayer pal just enough to pray with some specificity for your marriage.

Keep your advocate(s) updated.

Has God answered one of your prayer requests? Tell the person or people who are praying for you! Let their next prayer be thanking God for His presence and goodness. Have your prayer needs changed? Tell your allies what you and your spouse need now, so they can adjust their prayer requests. Do you feel like things are just getting worse? Tell them so they can add hope and perseverance to the list.

Prayer for your marriage will likely to be a long-term undertaking. Stay in contact and let those praying for you know when and how the prayers should be modified to stay current. In doing so, you’re also showing your gratitude for that prayer.

Intimacy Revealed book ad - click for more info or to buyFinally, let me share a personal story showing why it’s important not just to confess your struggles but to ask specific people for prayer.

Years back, when my husband and I were going through the Crap Fest part of our marriage, I shared what was going on with a friend in our church. I didn’t tell her what I needed or wanted, but rather vomited my concerns and feelings right at her feet. About a week later, I was standing in our church gym after worship, where people milled about and children — including mine — played. An elder walked right up to me and said he’d heard that our marriage wasn’t doing well.

As you might imagine, I felt blindsided. Not only did my friend break my confidence and tell someone, without any warning, but this church leader chose a public area in which to confront me. I was disheartened, angry, and ashamed.

I wriggled out of the conversation as quickly as possible, grabbed my children, and left. It took longer for me to pursue further help within my church, because this one incident had left me feeling betrayed.

For a long time, I’ve placed all the blame for that inappropriate encounter on my friend and the church leader. But I think I was at fault too. I didn’t go to the right people for the right things. I could have availed myself of some resources to help our marriage and let the church leaders know, at an appropriate time and place, what was going on. But all I really needed from my friend was her support and prayer. And I think if I’d asked for that, she’d have obliged.

What advice do you have for asking others to pray for your marriage?

Pray for My Inbox

Blog post title + email envelope with cursor pointing at it

In the past couple of weeks, I’ve been really thinking about my email inbox, and how many wonderful readers have reached out to tell me their personal story and ask for advice. There really is no end to the questions people have about sexual intimacy in their marriages, and so many of them are excellent inquiries that deserve answer.

But here’s the thing. This is what my current inbox looks like:

Display of j@hotholyhumorous.com inbox title with 333 messages

At this point, the earliest message in my 333-message inbox dates back to May 2016. That’s probably when the tipping point happened: When I could no longer respond to all the messages, because there were just so many and I am just, well, me. As much as I’d love to borrow Santa’s elves to contract out the important work of gifting people with advice, I don’t have that perk. I just cannot get to all the queries — not anywhere near it.

Now, I do read each and every one. But if I tried to answer them all, I’d probably never write another word here on the blog and my family would, at some point, open the pantry and refrigerator to find them bare. (Yes, my guys know where the store is and are capable, but in my house, division of labor means grocery shopping is my task.)

What I can do is:

1. Answer the ones I can, either in a personal email or a post. And those tend to be questions that I haven’t answered before or dire situations.

Oftentimes, the questioner could find something relevant on my blog by using the search bar up there. (Or type in “Hot Holy Humorous” and your topic in Google, and you sometimes get better results that way.) And really, truly … buy one of my books! I have a lot of answers in those.

Intimacy Revealed Cover

2. Pray for the ones I can’t answer. Look, I think I’m good at what I do — writing about sexuality from a Christian perspective — or I wouldn’t do it. But I have no false notions about who really does the work, makes the changes, improves sexual intimacy in marriage: it’s not me. At all. It’s the spouses themselves and God. I am not a required component for these marriage beds to get better.

Moreover, I’m not the only one with insight in the area of sexual intimacy. Thankfully, the number of voices speaking up well for godly sex in marriage has increased in the last ten years, and some counselors and pastors also address this issue very well. Sometimes, what I pray is that the questioners will find help elsewhere, especially when a couple likely needs local counseling or coaching.

What I ask today is that my readers add these questioners to their prayer list. God knows their names. You only have to pray for those seeking righteous answers for difficult challenges in their marriage beds.

Pray for those seeking righteous answers for difficult challenges in their marriage beds. Click To Tweet

You can specifically mention “Hot, Holy & Humorous’s inbox,” if you wish. Or cry out more broadly for a revival of healthy and holy marriage beds in the Church and in our society.

Praying specifically for people by name is a wonderful thing, and what I get to do when I receive these emails. But the Bible has many precedents of believers praying for large groups of people, distinguishing them by their status or behaviors. Jesus Himself prayed “not only for these disciples but also for all who will ever believe in me through their message” (John 17:20). That’s a pretty big group of people.

My inbox represents so many issues Christians face in the realm of marital intimacy: minor problems that need fixing, questions about right and wrong regarding sexual intimacy, worry or resentment toward spouses who’ve sexually misbehaved, sexual baggage dragged into the marriage from prior painful experiences, the vast gamut of libido concerns, and more.

When you pray for my inbox, you’re praying for marriages. And marriage beds.

God is concerned about those marriage beds too. Let’s bring these people before His throne and ask for His presence, His guidance, His answers.

Praying for the Victims of #MeToo

On Saturdays, I’ve been posting about prayers that involve sexual intimacy in your marriage. With my recent Q&A post, and one I have planned about that issue next week, I thought it would be a good time to pause and pray for those who have experienced sexual assault, abuse, and harassment.

Blog Post Title with close-up of woman praying in background

The current wave of allegations and the many #MeToo stories have prompted our nation, and others, to take a look at the culture that has far too long overlooked, dismissed, or opposed those who have been victims of sexual mistreatment.

Sometimes I hear people say this is a recent problem, but it’s not. The Bible mentions sexual harassment and assault. For instance:

  • Dinah’s brothers took revenge on the man (and his family) who raped their sister, saying that she was “defiled” (See Genesis 34).
  • Boaz told his men not lay a hand on Ruth as she gleaned in his fields, indicating that he knew overseers used their positions to approach and even harass women. (See Ruth 2:1-9).
  • King David’s son Amnon lied to his half-sister to get her into his room (sound like any of the “come to my hotel room” harassment stories?) and then raped her. (See 2 Samuel 13:1-22).

What’s recent is the ongoing news headlines and the tangible consequences befalling perpetrators of harassment and assault.

In the wake of all this, plenty of women have felt triggered by the news, by the personal stories, by the discussions. Some have responded with anger, some with sorrow, some with numbness. Some have had to step away because bringing up the memories makes the wounds sting once again.

For all of you — in whatever way you’ve been abused, assaulted, or harassed — I want to offer a prayer.

For all of you—in whatever way you've been abused, assaulted, or harassed—I want to offer a prayer. Click To Tweet

Lord, Father,

We know it breaks Your heart when Your children mistreat Your other children. May it always break our hearts too!

In this time of #MeToo, we are like Jeremiah who proclaimed, “What I see brings grief to my soul because of all the women of my city” (Lamentations 3:51). So many women have come forward with stories of sexual  assault and harassment they endured, and it brings grief to our souls. Men too have been victims and struggle to tell their stories as well, and for them our hearts ache.

God, the sexuality that You created for good, Satan has twisted and nudged others to use for their own pleasure and their own gain. People in positions of power, financially or culturally or physically, have abused those to whom they owed honor (Matthew 20:25-28, Luke 14:7-11). At times, it seems that such people prosper without consequences, that they are getting away with mistreatment and even evil toward others.

“But you, God, see the trouble of the afflicted; you consider their grief and take it in hand” (Psalm 10:14). We commit all victims to you, the helper of the fatherless and defender of the oppressed (see Psalm 10:-13-18). 

We pray for Your justice — that You will “call the evildoer to account for his wickedness that would not otherwise be found out” (v. 15). Make us Your vessels of justice, giving us the courage to speak out against oppressors and to seek justice for those wronged.

We pray for Your mercy — that You will “hear the desire of the afflicted,” “encourage them,” and “listen to their cry” (v. 17). Blanket them with Your presence. Make us Your vessels of mercy, giving us compassion to reach out to those oppressed and to provide comfort for their hurt.

We know that You understand the pain so many have gone through. High-ranking people used their power to mistreat Your one and only Son. Jesus Christ was disrespected, dishonored, and abused in so many ways. He was stripped and mocked (Matthew 27:27-29), mercilessly beaten (John 19:1-3), and crucified on a cross (Luke 23:33). Because Your Son has been there, Lord, You understand and know the pain so many have felt.

When it comes to marriage, some with #Me Too stories have brought bad feelings about sex, or even men, into their relationship. They struggle with wounds and triggers and baggage that don’t seem to go away. Lord, lift that burden! We pray that they will take Your yoke instead, the one that is easy, and thus find rest for their souls (Matthew 11:28-30). Help these victims to see Your plan for sexual intimacy and to view it as a beautiful gift. Give them Your perspective of their husbands and/or their sexuality, so that they can fully enjoy the blessings you have in store, both for them and their marriage.

For those who have assaulted and harassed, Lord, we pray that You will to prick their hearts. Show them that confession and repentance is the way to healing. Help them avoid sexual misconduct in the future and to “learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God” (1 Thessalonians 4:3-5). Do not let them be deceived by the lure of power, but rather turn their hearts to showing respect and care for those in their midst.

God, make Your Church the community that can lead the way. Help us to promote the biblical command to “show proper respect to everyone” (1 Peter 2:17), to be the light of the world and the city on a hill showing what should be (Matthew 5:14-16) in how we treat one another and those we encounter. Help us to see clearly what is happening in our midst and to take action when we should.

Your Word tells us that “The Lord works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed” (Psalm 103:6). Be ever-present in this time in our history, this “#MeToo movement,” when wrong deeds are coming to light and we as Christians have an opportunity to join the path of righteousness and justice.

And God, right now, this very moment, someone is being abused, assaulted, harassed. Give them a voice. Guide the faithful to be there to listen and to support the victim. Help us to stop these cycles as much as we can. Lord, we know that evil will be with us until You come again, but each person we can help matters to You. May every one of them matter just as much to us.

In the name of Your blessed Son, and through the Holy Spirit,

Amen.

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Praying When You Don’t Know What to Pray

As I contemplated what to say about prayer this Saturday, as part of my ongoing series about praying for your marriage bed, I felt empty. What else could I possibly cover? But then a passage from Romans came to mind—in that pushy way that scriptures sometimes do, as if the Holy Spirit is whispering, “Listen up, this one’s for you.”

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:26-28)

Question mark with blog post title

And that, I suppose, is our prayer when we don’t know what we ought to pray for. It’s that moment of saying that we feel weak when it comes to our sexual intimacy, that our own strength isn’t enough to deal with the problems in our bedroom or to simply foster what we know our marriage should have.

It’s wishing that the Spirit would search our heart and see the good motives yet the heartache or exhaustion we feel surrounding this issue. Or simply seeing the few hangups that remain, even when we have good sexual intimacy in marriage overall.

It’s needing to know that God has it covered — that He’s working for our good. It’s trusting that God can and will care for those who love Him.

Yes, I know this passage is about salvation and living out our faith, about persisting through earthly struggles that threaten our relationship with God and our belief in Christ. I agree with those who say we need to consider the clear intent of any scripture in the Bible and not mistakenly apply something where it was never meant to be applied.

However, I also believe in underlying principles in the Bible — that the character of God, the virtues extolled in Scripture, the calling we have remains constant in every area of lives. Whether you’re in a Bible class, a boardroom, or the bedroom, your faith should be there with you.

So even this passage speaks to who we are in the marriage bed — about our need admit our weakness, to trust God’s goodness, and to just go before Him, wordless and knowing that He understands where we are and will be there with us.

Maybe that’s what you need to do today. Maybe your prayer is simply admitting that you don’t know what to pray for, but you want God involved in your life and in your marriage.

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