Category Archives: Praying for Marriage Bed

Praying for Perspective in Your Marriage Bed

Blog post title + redhead woman bowing and praying

This past week, Chris Taylor of The Forgiven Wife posted this question on our Sex Chat for Christian Wives Facebook page:

Image with "What advice would you give a new wife about having a good marriage?"

My answer? “Don’t assume thoughts, feelings, and motives; ask, and listen.”

My marriage experienced some truly terrible years, and one of the reasons we came out of that fog into the sunlight is because I changed my perspective. I realized I was making assumptions about my husband that weren’t true. Things like:

  • If I said/did that, it would mean X. But it didn’t mean that for my husband, because he’s a different person.
  • If he loved me, he would X. Except that his love language is not mine, so he didn’t always express love the way I expected him to.
  • If he does something I don’t like, it’s personal. Except that his irritating habits would exist no matter who he married, so it’s not personal.
  • If he says or does something hurtful, it shows he doesn’t care. Yet a lot of times, it was about the bad day he’d had, the stress he was experiencing, or not feeling physically good.
  • If he doesn’t do the things I long for when we make love, he’s selfish. But when that happened, it was about him not knowing what would feel good for me and what I needed.

When I dropped those assumptions — when I changed my perspective of my husband and our interactions — several problems went away and I knew better how to tackle the ones that remained.

However, the light bulb didn’t just go on one day and stay lit. Rather, I prayed quite a bit for God to alter my thinking. I needed His help to clearly see who my husband really was and how our relationship needed to change.

That’s why I think it’s important to pray for perspective regarding your marriage and your marriage bed.

Too often, readers ask questions or make comments about the sex in the marriage that shows they’re making assumptions about how their spouse thinks and feels. Maybe you’re right, but maybe you’re wrong. Do you know for sure that your perspective is accurate?

I guarantee God knows what the truth is. You can ask Him.

And the reason I start with God, rather than your spouse, is because some of the issues just dissipated once I saw them more clearly. That is, things I thought were problems with my husband were really problems with how I saw him, and once my vision cleared, I didn’t need to address that issue with him because it was resolved.

But with the problems that remain, it’s still worth praying for perspective so that your conversations with your spouse will go well. Ask God to help you see your husband accurately and to respond with a longing to understand him better.

Let’s try this out with a common scenario: You believe that your husband (or wife) says no to sex because they don’t love you like you love them. But as you pray for God’s perspective, you realize that sex is the primary way you express love, but it isn’t the primary way they express love. So you now recognize the problem isn’t a matter of their love for you. Of course, the problem still remains that you’re getting rejected in the marriage bed. But now that you have a clearer diagnosis, you can tackle the underlying issue.

So then you pray for an accurate perspective as you go to your spouse to talk about your feelings on this topic. You find yourself more willing to ask questions and listen to the reasons why your beloved isn’t up for sex. Maybe they don’t even give you clear reasons, but you make a positive impression on the subject (a first step) by simply being there and listening. Instead of arguing to get your point across, you find yourself listening with a calm that could only be provided by God and a willingness to sort through the information to discover the real problem.

Does the epiphany come right then? Are the problems solved by next Tuesday?

Nope. Not in my experience. But do you know how you climb a mountain? You don’t stand at the bottom grousing about how steep the incline is. You take the first step, then the next, and the next.

But if your perspective is all wrong, your path will be off, and you’ll end up on another mountain, screaming over at your spouse standing on the one you should be on.

Pray for perspective. Start today. Take the first step. Let God work in your marriage.

“[Love] does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth” (1 Corinthians 13:6).

Learning to Pray for Sexual Intimacy

It’s another Saturday where we talk about your marriage bed and your prayer life, and what the two have to do with each other. (Hint: a lot.)

Last week, I shared an excellent post from Black and Married with Kids, and today I want to point y’all to another post that caught my eye. It’s from Bonny Burns of OysterBed7, who just happens to be one of my podcast partners with Sex Chat for Christian Wives.

Bonny speaks specifically to low-libido wives, but her message in this article is one we can all identify with. I particularly love this line: “The best sex starts on your knees in prayer.” Read on for a tease of her article and be sure to click below to read more.

I Love Learning to Pray for Sexual Intimacy

I would have rather slammed my pinky finger in the car door than to have talked about sex. The ‘talks’ my husband and I were having about sex, weren’t really ‘talks’ but anger fueled spats. We didn’t know how to have an actual conversation without it being tied to our anger at neither being understood.

Whenever the topic of sex came out of his mouth, it was like he became Vladimir Putin. All I heard was Russian manipulation. I couldn’t understand a word he was saying and I knew I wouldn’t like it even if I could understand.

I prayed to end the cold war, for his desire to diminish and mine to increase. God didn’t answer.

I was tired of fighting my natural inclination. The old battles weren’t being won with the old strategies. I needed a new strategy, a new understanding but had no idea what to pray.

READ MORE…

5 Prayers to Say for Your Marriage Bed

As you might have heard, I’ve been a bit busy lately, what with old Hurricane Harvey coming to visit my neck-of-the-woods. So when I contemplated what to write about sex and prayer this week, I decided to first go see what I could find online.

Immediately I came upon a post from Black and Married with Kids, which is a good site to follow. I decided to let their words be the ones you read this week, since they walk you through five wonderful prayers you can say for your marriage bed. Here’s a tease, and I encourage you to click the link at the end to read the rest of the article.

5 Prayers for Better Sex and Intimacy in Your Marriage

We pray for many things in our marriage. So why not better sex and intimacy? If the Bible dedicates an entire book to this subject, it must be important and require our attention. It may seem weird at first to pray over sex and intimacy, but God is concerned about every aspect of your marriage.

When praying be sure to cover these five areas.

READ MORE…

Isn’t Praying about Sex Kind of Selfish?

This past week, protests in Charlottesville, Virginia quickly became violent, and a young woman was run over and killed. In Barcelona, Spain, fourteen died when an Islamist militant plowed his vehicle into a crowd; a hundred more were injured.

In some regions in the world, starvation is still a real possibility. And disease, civil war, and economic hardship are daily challenges. Christians are persecuted in some nations, all the way to their life being taken. Sex trafficking is happening across the world, and each day children are abused emotionally, physically, and sexually.

My heart breaks just writing about these things. So, in the midst of all of the evil and pain in the world, how can we go to God and ask Him for help with our sex life? Aren’t there way bigger issues worth His time and our focus?

Blog post title + man praying, up close

When I recently asked on Facebook what my readers wanted me to cover about sex and prayer, this is what one commenter said:

I’ve wrestled with this one a bit, but am slowly getting better at understanding that if something is important to me, and is righteous, than it’s important to God. But there is still a nagging feeling in the background when I ask for help regarding our marital intimacy that says, “this isn’t that big a deal, there are people starving in this world, I know this sounds selfish of me…but”.

I know he’s not alone. And it’s a good question: With people starving in the world, isn’t praying about your sex life kind of selfish?

With people starving in the world, isn't praying about your sex life kind of selfish? Click To Tweet

Here are some thoughts to consider.

God is infinitely able to hear our prayers.

We exist in time. We check clocks, keep calendars, make appointments at specific times. All of our to-dos are therefore done in a linear fashion: I take out the trash, then I do the laundry, then I write my post, then I have lunch. I can’t do all of those things at once.

We tend to place God in time too, even though He’s not. In fact, of all the ways to explain this, I think a scene in the movie Bruce Almighty did a really good job. Here’s what might happen if we had to deal with prayers.

But that’s not God. He’s infinitely able to hear and address everyone’s prayers at once, from the plea for justice for a sexually abused child, to the prayer for patience of caregivers whose burden is heavy, to your request to find greater unity in the marriage bed.

Your prayer for your sex life isn’t taking any time or effort away from God dealing with the “big issues.” He’s got it all covered. Because He’s, well, GOD.

C.S. Lewis wrote a fabulous, and more thorough, essay addressing the issue of God’s ability to answer many prayers at once: “Time And Beyond Time” from Mere Christianity. Check it out.

God cares about everything about you.

Have you ever listened in on a conversation of moms talking about their infants or preschoolers? They can describe everything from their child’s major personality characteristics down to exactly what they found in the last diaper. If their child gets a splinter in his precious little finger, they stop everything and tend to relieving that little bit of pain. I consider this a helpful mental picture when I think about God, my Heavenly Parent. He’s totally into everything His kids have got going. And He’s far better at it than we are, so He really can attend to all the poop going on in our lives.

Just listen to these descriptions of how God cares for us:

You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways” (Psalm 139:1-3).

You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book” (Psalm 56:8, NLT)

Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows” (Luke 12:6).

If God is familiar with all of our ways, keeps track of all our sorrows and collects our tears, and has numbered the hairs on our head, I think He cares about our sexual intimacy. Especially since He talks about sex quite a bit in His Word.

Rest assured, He wants to be there. He’s the parent who wants to know every detail and to be the one you come to when you have a splinter in your heart or when things are going well.

God cares about our sex lives.

In this section, I almost want to say, “Go read everything else I’ve ever written about God and sex.” Because it’s basically my entire mission to convince people that God has something to say about our sex lives and that it’s really, really good stuff.

However, I will point to one particular post, which might be an eye-opener for some: Is Christian Sex in Marriage a Threesome?

So many of us have the view that God is present in all these areas of our lives, except the marriage bed; that’s really a private place between husband and wife, no one else invited — including the Big Guy. But that’s neither biblical nor wise. As you saw in the scripture above, God discerns our going out and our lying down, including when we lie down with our spouse. He’s omniscient, meaning He knows what’s going on in your bedroom!

And I simply cannot tell you enough about the positive impact I experience when I realized that God had something to say about every single area of my life — including the bedroom. Aligning my desires with His in my sex life, a goal I still work on, has made all the difference in how I view sexuality and how we experience sexual intimacy in our marriage. If He cares that much, then of course we can talk to Him about it; any part of our sex life is fair game for discussion with God.

Any part of our sex life is fair game for discussion with God. Click To Tweet

I hope this helps make some feel more comfortable talking to God about their sexuality. Don’t worry if it’s awkward at first. Just trust that He listens and cares and answers.

Do You Thank God for Your Spouse?

On Saturdays when I’ve been talking about praying more, many of my posts have focused on praying about problems you’re experiencing in your marriage and specifically your marriage bed.

But this week, I’ve been thinking about gratitude and how important it is in our prayers and our lives. Pastor James MacDonald, of Walk in the Word Ministries, words it this way: “Gratitude is the attitude that sets the altitude for living.”

Blog post title + THANK YOU written on the sand at a beach

Complainers and grumps feel like they’re at the bottom of life, whether or not that’s true. Whereas thankful people fly above their circumstances. Instead of wallowing in the dirt, they look up toward Heaven with gratefulness for what they have.

And the truth is, nearly everybody has something about their spouse for which they’re thankful. What’s your thing?

I hope it’s a lot of things. But sometimes we need to start small. This past week, I asked a simple question on Facebook and got over a hundred responses:

Facebook image with the following question: "One thing that my spouse does for me that I hate to do is _________."

Spouses responded with everything from taking care of insects in the house to scrubbing toilets to putting gas in the car to painting her toenails (well done, hubby). But one lovely comment from a reader stuck with me:

“What I love about this question is the fact that it makes the ladies think about the precious gifts they are being given. I hope each of you takes a moment to share with him today. 

Good idea! We should share those things with our husbands and wives.

Perhaps we should also share our thankfulness for our spouse with the One who created our mate, put him in our lives, and blesses us now in our marriage.

When’s the last time you went to God in prayer and said, “Thank you, Lord, for my husband and how he __________ for me”? You can fill in the blank with whatever your husband (or wife) does for you. Even something from your bedroom time, if you wish.

As Romans 11:36 says, “For from him and through him and for him are all things. To him be the glory forever! Amen.” We have free will, but the creation itself is from God. So this blessing in your life is because your Father God created your spouse, and you came together as one flesh before Him.

Take some time today, think of what your spouse does for you in your marriage, and then thank God for that benefit. Build that into your prayer repertoire so that gratitude becomes a part of who you are, both in your marriage and in your life. Learn to approach God with thankfulness in your heart for what you have.

Lift your whole marriage’s altitude with more gratitude.