Tag Archives: anal sex

Q&A with J: He Doesn’t Want Regular Intercourse

Today’s reader question addresses a husband who prefers oral or anal sex over regular PIV (penis-in-vagina) intercourse. There’s more to the email that the wife sent me, but the pertinent parts are here:

Because of my husband’s past sexual experiences he tends to prefer sexual acts other than just vaginal intercourse to get aroused and to climax. For example, he seems to only get aroused if I give him oral sex and he likes anal sex. I have told him that anal sex is very painful for me and that I do not find it to be an appropriate sexual act for two Christians. He has since stopped trying to initiate anal which I feel is respectful to me and I appreciate his response.

However, when we do have sex I have to start out with oral to get him hard and sometimes he never even penetrates me, he just finishes by climaxing in my mouth. I do not mind giving him oral sex but the semen in my mouth makes me gag every time. Also, if he does penetrate I am grossed out when he wants his penis back in my mouth almost immediately (I do not like the taste of my own juices). He sometimes can’t even stay hard unless he puts it back in my mouth.

Is this normal for a man to not like or to not prefer his penis in a vagina and just like it in a mouth?

Blog post title + illustration of worried woman with thought bubble

I hate to break it to you, but no, this isn’t normal. Or at least, it’s not good and how God designed sexual intimacy in marriage.

It sounds to me like your husband’s view of sexuality is that it’s primarily physical and for his own pleasure. Additionally, I suspect his desire for edgier sexual practices could be based on previous partners or pornography.

Regardless, he’s missing the core goal of intimacy. Becoming “one flesh” can mean a number of things in marriage, but it certainly involves the physical connection of husband and wife in intercourse.

Becoming one flesh can mean a number of things in marriage, but it certainly involves the physical connection of husband and wife in intercourse. Click To Tweet

What about anal sex?

As for anal sex, I advise against it for a number of reasons. In fact, my podcast partners and I discussed a listener’s question on anal sex in our last episode. I shared my opinion that it’s not okay for Christians to misuse the bodies God gave them.

And I believe it is a misuse of our bodies since health professionals give clear warnings that anal sex:

  • Can lead to fecal incontinence, by stretching the sphincter muscle intended to hold in feces
  • Can increase the risk of anal cancer, by passing the HPV virus
  • Is the riskiest sexual behavior for contracting HIV, more  than 17 times higher than vaginal intercourse and twice as risky as needle-sharing during injection drug use
  • Is more likely to transmit other diseases and infections, such as gonorrhea, Hepatitis A, B, and C, parasites, and bacteria such as E.Coli

Why does anal sex pose greater risk? Because the anus lacks the natural lubrication of a vagina, such that penetration can tear the interior tissue, allowing bacteria and viruses to enter the bloodstream. Using lubricants alleviates, but does not eliminate, tearing. Moreover, the interior tissue lacks the protective barrier protection our outer tissue has, making it more vulnerable to fissures and the spread of infection.

Just looking at all this information convinces me that God did not intend for the penis to penetrate the anus, and your husband needs to know it’s a bad idea.

Not to mention that the vast majority of women report pain with anal sex. While some later report pleasure, after many penetrations, they might have merely loosened their sphincter muscle enough to not hurt in the moment—but clearly, there’s a price to pay for damaging your sphincter muscle this way.

“’I have the right to do anything,’ you say—but not everything is beneficial. ‘I have the right to do anything’—but not everything is constructive. No one should seek their own good, but the good of others” (1 Corinthians 10:23-24).

What about oral sex?

What’s more concerning right now is your husband’s seeming fixation on oral arousal. While I’m certainly not opposed to “blow jobs,” the crown jewel of sexual intimacy should be penis-in-vagina (PIV) intercourse.

And it’s not typical for a man to require oral manipulation to maintain an erection or reach climax. It sounds like this has become the way he gets aroused, probably because of past experiences that rewired his pleasure process.

As frustrating as it may be in the short term, I’d suggest you stop doing oral. Because your husband needs to rewire how he gets turned on, maintains an erection, and achieves orgasm.

Now I don’t think it’s ever a good idea to march in the bedroom and say, “That’s it, buddy; no more ____ for you!” That’s likely to devolve into an argument. And understandably so. Neither spouse should be the sole determinant of what happens in your marriage bed.

But you need to discuss the situation with your husband and explain that you want to experience better sexual intimacy, including more exploration of one another’s bodies, more romance and foreplay, and a focus on learning how to engage in PIV. To that end, you feel like you need to move away from oral for a while until his body can respond to other sensations involved in making love.

Encourage your husband to read Song of Songs with you and see how much they engage in flirtation, kissing, touching and appreciation of one another’s bodies, and lovemaking. It may inspire him to see how sensual and erotic the Word of God is regarding sex in marriage. We could learn a lot from those godly lovers!

Also, if he is struggling with his past or what he saw in porn, he should consider getting counseling to undo the damage of those experiences. If porn remains a draw, get internet filtering software to keep the temptation at bay, like Covenant Eyes. And work together for true physical intimacy in your marriage.

Sources: The Consequences of Heterosexual Anal Sex for Women – Medical Institute for Sexual HealthAnal Sex Safety and Health Concerns – Web MD

Uh, No: Off Limits Practices in the Bedroom

So God designs marital sexuality to be like a feast that delights the senses.  It’s beyond any meal we could prepare for ourselves, with course after course of succulent samplings, mouth-watering meals, and delectable desserts.

Imagine your favorite food.  Is it Chateaubriand?  Chicken enchiladas?  Seafood gumbo?  You look down at your plate in anticipation, ready to bring each bite to your mouth and savor its taste.  At which point, I dump a cockroach right in the middle.

Do you want to eat it now?  Uh, no.

Some things should be off limits — for food and in the bedroom.  Yes, I understand that some cultures eat roaches, but that’s disgusting.  And some people also partake in bedroom activities that are as repulsive as eating a six-legged exoskeleton.  It’s as if they’ve dumped a cockroach in the middle of an otherwise perfectly good supper.  Here are some OFF LIMITS sexual activities, in my opinion:

Viewing Pornography.  This is inviting a third party into your bedroom and supporting prostitution.  Remember that porn models and actors are paid to titillate their viewers.  It doesn’t matter whether they consented or whether your partner consents to using pornography.  Some people attempt to justify the practice by claiming there is educational value in watching films or viewing photographs, that they get new ideas from these sources.  May I point you to your nearest Christian bookstore where you can peruse the Marriage & Sexuality section for tasteful, godly ideas that do not involve third persons?

Reading Graphic Erotica.  Men have greater desire to view pornography, but women are given to reading erotic romance novels that are tantamount to inviting a third person into the bedroom as well.  Yes, the character that makes your eyelids sweat and that you imagine as your husband takes you in his arms is fictional, but he is taking focus away from the partner in your marital relationship.  Moreover, erotica also places an unrealistic ideal into the minds of the participants.  In a book, Mr. Rippling Muscles can spend three hours pleasuring his love interest until she explodes in a frenzied peak that makes her perfectly coiffed hair frizz.  By comparison, you might think, “Hey, where’s my earth-shattering climax?”  Hello! Your guy is, um, real.  You can get that climax, but it takes relationship, communication, true intimacy.  Not fictional shortcuts.

Anal Sex.  I will have some Christians who disagree with this one.  After all, there is no specific command against it in the Bible.  Listen, there are a lot of things with no specific commands against them that we shouldn’t do because they do not comport with God’s principles or could harm others.  This isn’t about trying to figure out how close to the “no further” line we can get.  Its about honoring God and your partner.  The rectum is not designed for penetration, and such entry can have negative health consequences.  This is supported by medical evidence, and Joe Beam of Family Dynamics does a good job addressing the potential harm of this practice. (See his post on Another Question about Sex.)   Moreover, any references to anal sex in the Bible are condemned (though some believe such condemnation is due to other issues God had with the relationship).

S&M.  That stands for Sadism & Masochism — like bondage, spanking, and a plethora of more intense activities.  The focus is on dominance and submission here.  And not the kind of submission discussed in Ephesians 5!  This is not God-honoring.  Domination, injury, and subjection play no part in godly sexuality.   Physical intimacy is for mutual pleasure, not pain.  Anyone who thinks that hard-core S&M is pleasurable needs to see a counselor immediately; your past may have imprinted negative thought patterns that will cause nothing but harm to your relationship.

Force.  Neither partner should ever be forced to participate in a sexual activity that is distasteful or unwanted.  That means that if your spouse does not like oral sex, don’t have it. If it’s been six months since you had sex together and you feel the need to take what’s rightfully yours, get thee to a pastor!  It is never okay to demand by physical force anything in the sexual realm.  Sex is supposed to be a relational bond, one that elevates your partner and reinforces closeness.  Force will never achieve that.  If you feel that your partner is withholding something from you, discuss that with them, your pastor, and/or a marriage counselor to resolve the issues.  But force is completely opposed to 1 Corinthians 13 love.

Now and then, we need a good dose of Thou Shall Nots.  The secular approach to sexuality wants to take this beautiful thing that God offers and pervert it.

But remember how much God does allow!  He provides His children the very best sexual relationship when they follow His plan.  Read the Song of Songs in its entirety, if you need a reminder.  Or make a list of all the great things you get to do with each other now that you are married.  Isn’t it nice?  (My post-vow self is having a lot more bedroom fun than my pre-vow self ever did.)

In fact, the best is to be had when we pursue sexuality that honors Him and our partner in every way!  Deuteronomy 10:13 says, “Keep the Lord’s commands and statutes I am giving you today, for your own good.”  That’s what all of God’s plan and commands are:  for our own good.

What do you think?  What’s okay?  What’s not?