Tag Archives: Christian sex resources

Q&A with J: Resources for Spicing Things Up in the Marriage Bed

Let’s get right to our reader question today. Here it is:

Happily married 30 years. Both came into the marriage as virgins. Desiring to spice things up, but the purity of our past doesn’t help my husband. There is concern if he researches, he will come across websites that we’ll regret. Any direction you can send us?

Why, yes! Yes, I do have a direction to send you. Have you heard of this book?

Hot, Holy, and Humorous book cover

I wrote that book specifically to answer your question! How do you make the sex in your marriage bed more exciting, intimate, and loving?

How do you make the sex in your marriage bed more exciting, intimate, and loving? Click To Tweet

It has chapters like Considering Sexual Positions, Oral Sex, The Hands-On Experience, and Using Your Body Parts. I give specific, practical tips for romance, arousal, and orgasm.

And you know what? I just saw my latest royalty statement, and I know a bunch of you haven’t bought my book yet! I don’t mean to be pushy, but seriously, y’all, WHY NOT?!

I’m really proud of this book and how it has helped couples spice things up in their marriage bed. It covers a lot of ground in a short time and can help you and your spouse start some important conversations about what sexual intimacy should look like in your marriage.

Mind you, that won’t look the same in various healthy, holy marriages. You have to figure out your own sexual repertoire. But my book can help you do that.

And it’s $10 for the ebook, less than $13 for the paperback. Jeez, y ‘all spent that the last time you drove through the hamburger joint and upsized your fries. C’mon, buy this book for your marriage!

Okay, I’m off my soapbox for a moment and will share a few other resources … since you asked.

Christian Friendly Sex Positions provides both tasteful illustrations and thorough descriptions for you to try new positions and angles. This information is also available in a recently release app, Ultimate Intimacy, which I’m still checking out and will review later.

The Marriage Bed has quite a few articles with ideas for adding spice to your bedroom. You might notice that the Byerlys and I disagree on a few sexual activities, but that’s okay. We’re foundationally in sync, and good Christians can disagree about particulars. Their overall advice is excellent. And I love this article on orgasmic massage from Paul Byerly’s other website, The Generous Husband.

Awaken Love also has articles on spicing things up, as well as an online video class for women. I’ve reviewed her curriculum and found it to be solid.

If you’re looking for spicy stuff, i.e., marital aids, you can check out Married Spice, for which my podcast, Sex Chat for Christian Wives, is an affiliate. This company impressed me greatly when they responded directly to a concern I had about one of their products. It was clear that they desire to promote holy and healthy sex through their online store.

Other blogs I follow that give both general and specific advice for the marriage bed:

There are other blogs that cater more toward husbands, but my own blog feed is populated primarily with sites intended for wives.

Now I’m staring at my screen knowing I’ve forgotten some fabulous resource that I should have mentioned. If I remember more later, I’ll add them.

But in summary, BUY THIS BOOK, because I wrote it and it’s awesome, and then check out the sites above. Some of these sites will also link to other resources that could be worth checking out. That’s how I often find others as well — just the old-fashioned, can’t-beat-it word of mouth. Albeit that word is text on a trusted website.

And don’t discount one of the best ways to add spice to your marriage bed: talk and try. Discuss ideas you have, try them out, and see what you think. You might discover something truly awesome that way.

Q&A with J: Can Christians Get Sex Tips from Cosmo?

Today’s reader question is a practical one and worth covering.

I have a question that I would love to get your thoughts on: Is it “OK” for a Christian woman to go to secular websites (such as Cosmo) for sex tips? I do this every so often to find new positions/foreplay ideas/etc. Obviously, there is a ton of trashy/sinful stuff that goes against God’s Word (porn, threesomes, etc.) and I bypass this. As for sex positions, they are obscure drawings…..but is that considered “pornographic material?” I don’t feel like I’m going against my conscience in looking at these sites, but to be honest, I would feel awkward telling my girlfriends (or even my husband) that I do, I guess because Cosmo has a rep for being trashy. But, are there Cosmo-type Christian sites to get ideas?? Yours is the closest thing I’ve found (for which I’m grateful! As is my husband. ;). But it’s not as detailed as what I can find on secular sites. Anyways, I’m interested to hear your opinion!

Q&A with J Can Christians Get Sex Tips from Cosmo

While standing in the grocery store line, I sometimes pick up the latest issue of Cosmo magazine and flip over to an article titled something like “14 New Ways to Drive Your Lover Wild!” or “Do These 3 Things for a Stronger Orgasm!”  Am I looking for ideas? Not really. I’m just curious what they have to say.

But to gather ideas, I have looked through secular sources like books in used bookstores, articles from websites unaffiliated with Christianity, and studies conducted by state universities and research labs. Even if they don’t share my values, they can have useful information.

You can guess my general answer based on what I do, but the complete perspective requires some clarification. (Please read to the end, because the most important conclusions are at the bottom!)

Lay a strong foundation. At one point in my life looking at Cosmo magazine articles on sex would have been a very bad idea, because I didn’t have a godly view of sexuality. You need spiritual maturity to keep your Christian perspective intact while looking through secular sources — that is, a strong foundation.

In Ephesians, the apostle Paul speaks of the importance of God’s people being fully equipped so that “we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming” (4:14). But I suspect more Christians believe they’re mature enough than really are. 1 Corinthians 10:12 always warns: “So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!” Apparently, people can think they’re standing firm, and still be susceptible to falling into temptation.

I can’t tell you when your foundation is strong enough. But I do know what it feels like. I can actually look at more now because I mentally blow off anything that falls short of the beautiful lovemaking I’ve experienced that matches God’s design. At the same time, I’m less interested in looking at anything that wanders from His truth, because it feels like a waste of time. Maybe that’s a paradox, but it’s one way I know that my foundation is solid. And I think that’s the place to start.

Exercise your filter. It’s impossible to avoid all stimuli that contrast with our worldview. Every day, we have to be able to sort through all the messages and choose what’s good and true … while discarding the lies and temptation that Satan wants to put in our path. It’s smart that the reader said, “Obviously, there is a ton of trashy/sinful stuff that goes against God’s Word (porn, threesomes, etc.) and I bypass this.”

Some secular sources have good information we can access and use, as long as we use discretion and wisdom. For some time, the best sexual position site I’d found was a secular, UK-based site that had some too-revealing images on certain pages but their positions section had tastefully drawn images and excellent descriptions. So I made the conscious effort to avoid anything untoward on their website while accessing the areas that met my moral standards.

In fact, my sharing an article or post on social media doesn’t mean I agree with everything on a website. I’m presuming my smart readers will check out the article or post, but filter through anything else on that site that might not agree with biblical teaching. As Proverbs 2:9-11 says, “Then you will understand what is right and just and fair — every good path. For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul. Discretion will protect you, and understanding will guard you.”

Know your weaknesses. I don’t keep candy bars in my house. It’s just a very bad plan, because I know how quickly I can devour chocolate if it’s easily within reach. I don’t have a poor foundation of health, nor would I only eat chocolate and avoid broccoli. But it’s a weakness … so I’m better not to plant that temptation in my house.

I don’t know what, if any, weaknesses you have regarding sexuality. But if something appeals to or arouses you that you know isn’t good for you, you’d be far better to avoid it. Which might mean flipping past an article or images or simply putting the Cosmo back on the shelf.

So take stock and ask yourself honestly, deeply, mercilessly whether there’s something you shouldn’t expose yourself to. If something would turn your thoughts away from your husband or God’s design for your sexual intimacy, maybe you should pass over that resource. Just know your weaknesses going in.

Seek better resources. At one time there was a scarcity of quality sources regarding Christian sexuality. But that’s changed! Yes, we still have strides to take in discussing this topic more in churches and small groups and friend circles. But as for articles, books, podcasts, video classes, etc., I can name a lot of current sources. I have a books I recommend page you can check out. And HEY, I wrote a whole book with lots of how-tos, all from a Christian perspective, and you can find it online and in many Barnes & Noble bookstores: Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design.

Remember how I mentioned that secular website where I accessed a positions section? That was years ago, and now there’s Christian Friendly Sex Positions. So why go to a site with lots of stuff I don’t agree with when there’s another website that provides all that information from a biblical perspective? New Christian resources arrive all the time, including Awaken Love’s recent video class launch that gets pretty specific.

Also, you need to think about who you’re supporting. Cosmopolitan‘s cover price is $3.99. I personally don’t want to put that money into the pockets of people who shove cleavage and sensational headlines at me and everyone else every single month. Especially when $4.99 will get me an ebook of Sheila Gregoire’s 31 Days to Great Sex or some other Christian resource. So if you’re actually purchasing the magazine, think about whether that’s really where you want your hard-earned money to go.

So can you get sex tips from Cosmo? Yes, I think you can. But whether you should depends on several factors, and it’s best to make spiritually sound resources your initial go-tos. On that note, Julie Sibert of Intimacy in Marriage has been doing a series highlighting marriage blogs and has a blogs and websites page listing quite a few resources.

The (New & Improved) Sex Book You Need for Your Marriage

Once upon a time, there was a Christian marriage and sex blogger who decided to write a book. She took some of her blog content, massaged it into book format, and self-published Sex Savvy: A Lovemaking Guide for Christian Wives. Some people bought it. They liked it. More people bought it. And it was a lovely, unexpected thing for the author. She thought no more about it and kept writing.

Fast forward a few years, and her self-published book caught the interest of a literary agent and traditional publisher. Bringing their expertise to the table, Sex Savvy took on new life. It was expanded, reworked, repackaged, and generally made a whole lot better.

And now I get to share it with all of you!

My new & improved book!

My new & improved book!

This has been working behind the scenes for a while, but Sex Savvy is going off sale and will be replaced by Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design. This is truly a new and improved version, put out by the fabulous folks at BroadStreet Publishing. What can you can expect from Hot, Holy, and Humorous? I thought I’d answer a few questions you might have.

Is it the same content as Sex Savvy? Yes, and no. Everything in Sex Savvy is in this book, but there are several added chapters with even more information and tips for sexual intimacy in your marriage. Also, chapters have been reworked for better flow and readability. If it were me, I’d definitely buy the new version.

Why go with a traditional publisher, instead of sticking with self-publishing? A couple of reasons. One, if you go to a Barnes & Noble, a Lifeway Christian Store, or ChristianBook.com, you won’t find my self-pubbed book. Large book retailers almost exclusively buy from traditional publishers. BroadStreet has relationships with bookstores, and I’m hoping that my book will reach a broader audience through their efforts. Two, traditional publishers have a whole lot of experience putting out their products. They bring their know-how to bear on the quality of the product, and I saw that firsthand as I worked through this process. Hot, Holy, and Humorous is professionally packaged, polished, and produced.

When does it go on sale? June. I’ll be here with a specific date, but that’s when it will go up for sale. Whether it hits your local bookstore depends on the buyers in your market. But it will be up on major online retailers, like Amazon and Barnes & Noble, and hopefully several other, easy-to-reach book distributors.

How can you help the book launch? Order it today! Buy it when it releases. Tell others about it. If you read it, please post a positive review online at B&N, Amazon, iBooks, Goodreads, etc. (By the way, anything less than 4 stars doesn’t work to an author’s advantage for Amazon’s algorithms. Just an FYI.) And ask your local bookstore to carry it. Sometimes, book buyers will respond to requests from their customers.

A book of books…ready to go! Don’t you love that cover?!

Why do you need this book? That’s really the most important question of all. Why on earth should you buy a book about “Sex in Marriage by God’s Design” anyway? First of all, I assume you being here means you’re at least mildly interested in the subject. Second, I’ve gained a bit of wisdom on this topic — made it my forte, my bailiwick, my wheelhouse, my passion. I have a personal story about sex done the wrong way and done God’s way, but I’ve also read a lot on the topic, studied the Bible for God’s instructions, talked to many people about their sexual struggles and successes, and advised plenty of spouses and couples on improving their marriage beds. I’ve heard from more than a few that I have indeed helped, for which I give all credit to God.

But whether you’re clueless about your marital intimacy, have a few issues left to resolve, or think things are going pretty well overall, Hot, Holy, and Humorous has biblically based perspectives and tips for you. It’s a easy-to-read book with lots of practical suggestions, all from a Christian point of view.

So why do you need this book? Because it will help your marriage.

Over the years, I’ve invested in resources that have nurtured my marriage, and it’s a great feeling to be able to offer that to others. I pray this book blesses you and those you love!

My Blog, 3 Marriage Books, and an Upcoming Interview with “J”

Does it ever feel like there’s just a whole lot going on? If you’re more Christmas-inclined than I am (honestly, a rather low bar), perhaps you’re looking forward to a busy season. As long as what’s going on is positive and you’re not feeling overwhelmed, then it’s all good.

Well, it’s all good here.

For me, this has felt like a busy, busy month, and I want to share with you some current resources and upcoming releases to help you in your marriage.

Tips about my blog. Since moving over to a self-hosted site, I’ve been discovering small issues to address. For instance, a fabulous reader recently informed me that I didn’t have sharing buttons (Twitter, Facebook, etc.) below each post. To which I thought, Duh, J! Sharing buttons! I’ve remedied that oversight. So share away!

I asked my website designer to move the “Leave a reply” button from its default position at the top of a post to below the post, where it makes sense after you read. So it’s now a nice red button you can easily see and click.

I also want readers to know that the option to leave a comment as “Anonymous” is still available. When you click “Leave a reply,” you’re presented with blank boxes to input name, email address, and website. Simply type “Anonymous,” or your made-up moniker, into the name box, write your comment, and post.

Given the subject matter here, all comments are approved before they appear. You can find my policy by clicking the Comments button on the menu bar above. A summary of the policy is “Treat others the way you want to be treated” (Matthew 7:12).

31 Days to a Better Marriage. Jolene Engle of the Alabaster Jar coordinated and hosted a series of marriage posts for wives all throughout October. I was thrilled to contribute my own post on “Can Sexy Wives Be Godly Wives Too?” But if you missed the series or any posts in the series, don’t worry. You can get the whole thing in a free downloadable ebook! Sweet deal, right? To get your copy, click the pic below! 31 Days to a Better Marriage ebook

The Pursuit of Passion. Fellow Christian sex blogger, Julie Sibert of Intimacy in Marriage, has co-authored a book titled The Pursuit of Passion: Discovering True Intimacy in Your Marriage, which was released just this past week. I haven’t read it yet, but it’s on my e-reader. And since I agree with almost everything that gal says on her blog, I feel very comfortable recommending her book.

Pursuit of Passion book cover

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Sex Savvy: A Lovemaking Guide for Christian Wives. Doesn’t that title alone make you want to get my upcoming book? It’s a handbook for Christian wives to learn the ins and outs of sexuality in marriage, to become savvy women in the bedroom.

When can you get your hands on copy? Thanksgiving Day. (‘Cause nothing says sex like eating turkey and cranberry sauce, right?) For those of you not in the United States and not celebrating turkey day, that would be next Thursday, November 28.

For those wives in the United States, just make sure to finish the cooking and serve the bird at Thanksgiving before you buy and start reading Sex Savvy. I’d hate to be responsible for your family having to hungrily wait an extra hour because you got distracted by the chapter on orgasm.

Sex Savvy will be available first by ebook and then by print. But first, here’s the cover reveal. You ready?

1…

2…

3…Awesome book cover for Sex Savvy

Besides thinking ooh and aah, I know what you’re asking yourself: What’s that?!!! Is that a last name? Is that her real last name?! Why yes, yes, it is. After much consideration, prayer, and consultation of close friends (also known as relentless prodding from close friends), I decided to forgo the pen name I’d considered and use my married name instead.

Upcoming Interview. I love listening to podcasts and audio books. In my opinion, it’s really the only way to clean a toilet.

One of my favorites is The Stupendous Marriage Show with Stu and Lisa Gray. If you’re not subscribed to their podcast, check them out. There’s such an authenticity to their Christianity, their marriage, and their answers for couples seeking help. I’ll be appearing in the next few weeks on their podcast when they interview me about the book, Sex Savvy, and sex in general. (Although I also hope Stu and I can chat about Batman for a little bit. If Lisa will let us.)

So that’s it! All of my announcements for today. If you have any questions about anything, leave them in the comments and I’ll answer as soon as I can. Blessings!